§;«-.; 


^r' 


,v<*i22:^!^o-n 


'^mm'itMM^J        ^ 


THE 


INGOLDBBY  LEGENDS 


OB, 


MIETH    AND    MAHYELS 


THOMAS    INGOLDSBY,    Esq., 

(the  rev.  RICHARD  HARRIS  jBARHAM). 


GLOBE    EDITION,    (TWO   VOLUMES     IN    ONE.) 
WITH    CRUIKSHANKS'    ILLUSTRATIONS. 


NEW   YORK: 
W.  J.  WIDDLETON,  PUBLISHER. 

isvo. 


Ada  to  Lib, 


GIFT 


TO  RICHARD  BENTLEY,  Esq. 


1210 


My  Dear  Sir, 

You  wish  me  to  collect  into  a  single  volume  certain  ramb- 
ling extracts  from  our  family  momoranda.  many  of  which  have 
already  appeared  in  the  pages  of  your  Miscellany.  At  the  same 
time  you  tell  me  that  doubts  are  entertained  in  certain  quarters 
as  to  the  authenticity  of  their  details. 

Now,  with  respect  to  their  genuineness,  the  old  oak  chest, 
in  which  the  originals  are  deposited,  is  not  more  familiar  to  my 
eyes  than  it  is  to  your  own  ;  and  if  its  contents  have  any  value 
at  all,  it  consists  in  the  strict  veracity  of  the  facts  they  record. 

To  convince  the  most  incredulous,  I  can  only  add,  that 
should  business— pleasure  is  out  of  the  question — ever  call  them 
into  the  neighbourhood  of  Folkestone,  let  them  take  the  high 
road  from  Canterbury  to  Dover  till  they  reach  the  eastern  ex- 
tremity of  Barham  Downs.  Here  a  bemtiful  green  lane  diverg- 
ing abruptly  to  the  right,  will  carry  them,  through  the  Oxenden 
plantations  and  the  unpretending  village  of  Denton,  to  the  foot 
of  a  very  respectable  hill — as  hills  go  in  tliis  part  of  Europe. 
On  reaching  its  summit  let  them  look  straight  before  them, — 
and  if  among  the  hanging  woods  wliich  crown  the  opposite  side 
of  the  valley,  ihey  cannot  distinguish  an  antiquated  Manor-house 
of  Elizabethan  architecture,  with  its  gahle  ends,  stone  stanchions, 
and  tortuous  chimneys  rising  above  the  surrounding  treos,  why 
— the  sooner  they  procure  a  pair  of  Dolland's  patent  spectacles 
the  better. 


358 


If,  on  the  contrary,  they  can  manage  to  descry  it,  and,  pro- 
ceeding some  five  or  six  furlongs  through  the  avenue,  will  ring 
at  the  Lodge-gate — they  cannot  mistake  the  stone  lion  with  the 
Ingoldsby  escutcheon  (Ermiiie,  a  saltire  engrailed  Gules)  in  his 
paws, — they  will  be  received  with  a  hearty  old  English  welcome. 

The  papers  in  question  having  been  written  by  different  par- 
ties, and  at  various  periods,  I  have  thought  it  advisable  to  re- 
duce the  more  ancient  of  them  into  a  comparatively  modern 
phraseology,  and  to  iQake  my  collateral  ancestor  Father  John, 
especially,  '  deliver  himself  like  a  man  of  this  world  ; '  Mr.  Ma- 
guire,  indeed,  is  the  only  Gentleman  who,  in  his  account  of  the 
late  Coronation,  retains  his  own  rich  veinacular. 

As  to  arrangement,  I  sliall  adopt  the  sentiment  expressed' 
by  the  Constable  of  Bourbon  four  centuries  ago,  /e.s  c  Shaks- 
pciire,  one  which  seems  to  become  more  fashionable  every  day, 

"Tliu  Dovil  take  (ill  crddr! !— I'll  to  the  throng  !  " 

Believe  ms  to  be. 

My  dear  Sir, 
Yonrs,  most  indubitably  and  immeasurably, 

Thomas  Ingoi-dsby. 
Tnpiiin<rton  Evonird, 
Jsn.  20,  1840. 


I'ltEf  AOE 

To     THE     SECOND     EDITION. 


TO  RICHARD  BENTLEY,  Esq., 

My  Dear  Sir, 

1  SHOULD  have  replied  sooner  to  your  letter,  buf 
l;iat  the  last  three  days  in  January  are,  as  you  are  aware, 
always  dedicated,  at  the  Hall,  to  an  especial  haiiue,  and  the 
old  house  is  full  of  shooting-jackets,  shot-belts,  and 
"double  Joes."  Even  the  women  wear  percussion  caps, 
and  your  favourite  (?)  Rover,  who,  you  may  remember, 
examined  the  calves  of  your  legs  with  such  suspicious 
curiosity  at  Christmas,  is  as  pheasant-mad  as  if  he  were 
a  biped,  instead  of  being  a  genuine  four-legged  scion  of 
the  Blenhefm  breed.  I  have  managed,  however,  to  avail 
myself  of  a  lucid  interval  in  the  general  hallucufation  (how 
the  rain  did  come  down  on  Monday  !),  and  as  you  tell  me 
the  excellent  friend  whom  you  are  in  the  habit  of  styling 
*a  Generous  and  Enlightened  Public,"  has  emptied  your 
shelves  of  the  first  edition,  and  "  asks  for  more,"  why  I 
*agi-ee  v.ith  you,  it  would  be  a  want  of  respect  to  that  very 
respectable    personification,   when    furnishing    him    with    a 


VI  PREFACK    TO    THE    SECOND    EDITION. 

farther  supply,  not  to  endeavour,  at  least,  to  amend  my  faults, 
which  are  few,  and  your  own,  which  are  more  numerous; 
[  have,  therefore,  gone  to  work  con  amore^  supplying 
occasionally  on  my  own  part  a  deficient  note,  or  elucidatory 
stanza,  and  on  yours  knocking  out,  without  remorse,  your 
superfluous  i's,  and  now  and  then  eviscerating  your  colon. 

My  duty  to  our  illustrious  friend  thus  performed,  I  have 
a  crow  to  pluck  with  hira — Why  will  he  persist — as  you 
tell  me  he  does  persist — in  calling  me  by  all  sorts  of 
names  but  those  to  which  I  am  entitled  by  birth  and 
baptism — my  "  Sponsorial  and  Patronymic  appellations," 
as  Dr.  Pangloss  has  it? — Mrs.  Malaprop  complains,  and 
'Aith  justice,  of  "an  assault  upon  her  parts  of  speech,"  but 
to  attack  one's  very  existence — to  deny  that  one  is  a  person 
in  esse.,  and  scarcely  to  admit  that  one  may  be  a  person 
in  posse,  is  tenfold  cruelty ; — "  it  is  pressing  to  death, 
whipping,  and  hanging !" — let  me  entreat  all  such  likewise 
to  remember  that,  as  Shakspearo  beautifully  expresses 
himself  elsewhere — I  give  his  words  as  quoted  by  a  very 
worthy  Baronet  in  a  neighbouring  county,  when  protesting 
against  a  defamatory  placaM  at  a  general  election — 

"Who  steals  my  purse  steals  stuff!— 
'Twas  mine — tisn't  his— nor  nobody  else's! 
But  he  who  runs  away  with  my  Good  Name, 
Robs  me  of  what  does  not  do  him  any  good, 
And  makes  me  deuced  poor!"  * 

Tn  order  utterly  to  squabash  and  demolish  every  gainsayer 

*  A  reading  which  seems  most  unaccountably  to  have  escaped  the  researches 
of  all  modem  Shakspearians,  including  the  rival  editors  of  the  new  &nd  illus- 
tniled  versions. 


PREFACE    TO   THE    SECOND    EDITION.  yii 

1  had  thought,  at  one  time,  of  asking  my  old  and  esteemed 
friend,  Richard  Lane,  to  crush  thorn  at  once  with  his  magic 
pencil,  and  to  transmit  my  features  to  posterity,  where 
all  his  works  are  sure  to  be  "delivered  according  to  the 
direction ;"  but  somehow  the  noble-looking  profiles  which 
he  has  recently  executed  of  the  Kemble  family  put  me  a 
little  out  of  conceit  with  my  own,  while  the  undisguised 
amusement  which  my  "  Mephistopheles  Eyebrow,"  as  he 
termed  it,  afforded  him,  in  the  "  full  face,"  induced  me  to  lay 
aside  the  design.  Besides,  my  dear  Sir,  since,  as  has  well 
been  observed,  "  there  never  was  a  married  man  yet  who  had 
not  somebody  remarkably  like  him  walking  about  town,"  it 
is  a  thousand  to  one  but  my  lineaments  might,  after  all,  out  of 
sheer  perverseness  be  ascribed  to  any  body  rather  than  to 
the  real  owner.  I  have  therefore  sent  you,  instead  thereof, 
a  very  fair  sketch  of  Tappington,  taken  from  the  Folkestone 
road  (I  tore  it  last  night  out  of  Julia  Simpkinson's  album)  ; 
get  Gilks  to  make  a  woodcut  of  it.  And  now,  if  any 
miscreant  (I  use  the  word  only  in  its  primary  and 
"  Pickwickian "  sense  of  "  Unbeliever,")  ventures  to  throw 
any  further  doubt  upon  the  matter,  why,  as  Jack  Cade'e 
friend  says  in  the  play,  "  There  are  the  chimneys  in  my 
father's  house,  and  the  bricks  are  alive  at  this  day  to  testify 
it!" 

"  Why,  very  well  then — we  hope  here  be  truths !" 
Heaven  be  with  you,  my  dear  Sir ! — ^I  was  getting  a  little 
'jccited;  but  you,  who  are  mild  as  the  milk  that  dews  tb'^ 


Vm  PREFACE    TO    THE    SECOND    EDITION. 

soft  whisker  of  the  new-weaned  kitten,  will  forgive  ne 
when,  wiping  away  the  nascent  moisture  from  my  brow,  1 
'•  pull  in,"  and  subscribe  myself, 

Yours  quite  as  much  as  his  own, 

Thomas  ^ngoldsby. 

rappiuglon  Everan! 
Fel)  ?']   If-n 


FIRST   SERIES. 


CONTENTS 


THE  SPECTRE  OlT  TAPPINGTON 

THE  NURSE'S  STORY— THE  HAND  OF  GLOlli    . 

PATTY  MORGAN  THE  MILKMAID'S  STORY—"  LOOK  AT  THE 

CLOCK"        

GREY  DOLPHIN 

THE  GHOST       . 

THE  CYNOTAPH 

MRS.  BOTHERBY'S  STORY— THE  LEECH  OF  FOLKESTONE 

LEGEND  OF  HAMILTON  TIGHE 

THE  WITCHES'  FROLIC 

SINGULAR  PASSAGE  IN  THE  LIFE  OF  THE  LATE    HEXRY 

HARRIS,  D.D. 
THE  JACKDAW  OF  RHEIMS 
A  LAY  OF  ST.  DUNSTAN    . 
A  LAY  OF  ST.  GENGULPHU3 
A  LAY  OF  ST.  ODILLE 
A  LAY  OF  ST.  NICHOLAS  . 
THE  LADY  ROHESIA 
THE  TRAGEDY 
MR.  BARNEY  MAGUIRE'S  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  CORONATION. 
THE  "MONSTRE"  BALLOON       .  ... 

HON.  MR.  SUCKLETHUMBKIN'S  STORY— THE  EXECUTION 
SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  A  NEW  PLAY     .... 
MR.  PETERS'S  STORY— THE  BAGMAN'S  DOG       . 
A.PPENDJX  ,  .  ... 


PAGB 
13 


61 
71 

m 

109 
117 
155 
159 


275 
279 
283 
289 
301 
320 


SECOTSTD    SERIES. 


0  )  N  T  I :  N  T  8 


Page 

THK  BLACK  MOUSQUETAIRE 7 

Sill  KUl'EI'.T  TIIK  FEAIILESS 33 

Tllfcl  MKKCIIANT  OF  VENICH 46 

THE  AUTO-DA-FE 62 

TIIK  TXGOLDSBY  PENANCK  87 

>'KTLEY  ABBEY lOr) 

FRAGMENT Ill 

NELL  COOK 113 

NURSERY  REMINISCENCES 122 

AUNT  FANNY 124 

MTSAOVENTURES  AT  MARGATK 134 

THE  SMUGGLER'S  LEAP , 139 

BLOUDFE  JACKE  OF  SIIREWSBERRIE 148 

THE  BABES  IN  THE  WOOD 1G3 

THE  DEAD  DRUMMER 178 

A  ROW  IN  AN  OMNIBUS  (BOX) 184 

THE  LAY  OF  ST.  CUTIIBERT 100 

THE  LAY  OF  ST.  ALOYS : 205 

THE  LAY  OF  THE  OLD  WOMAN  CL'rrHl'n  TN  GT.EY 219 

RAISING  THE  DEVIL 23& 

THE  LAY  OF  ST.  MEDARD  241 


THIRD    SERIES. 


COJnTTENTS. 

page 
THE  LORD  OP  THOULOUSE 250 

TEIK  WEDDING-DAY;  OR,  THE  BUCCANEER'S  CURSE 267 

THE  BLASPHEMER'S  WARNING 284 

THE  BROTHERS  OF  BIRCHINGTON 310 

THE  KNIGHT  AND  THE  LADY 325 

THE  HOUSE-WARMING 338 

THE  FORLORN  ONE , 355 

JERRY  JARVIS'S  WIG 356 

UNSOPHISTICATED  WISHES 380 

HERMANN;  OR,  THE  BROKEN  SPEAR 383 

HINTS  FOR  AN  HISTORICAL  PLAY 386 

MARIE  MIGNOT 388 

THE  TRUANTS 391 

THE  POPLAR 306 

MY  LETTERS 397 

NEW-MADE  HONOUR 401 

THE  CONFESSION 401 

SONG 402 

EPIGRAM 40.? 

EPIGRAM 404 

SONG 404 

AS  I  LAYE  A-THYNKYNGK 40.-) 


ILLUSTEATIONS. 


Lay  of  St.  Nicholas to  face  title. 

Spkctrk  of  Tappington.      ...              "  page    13 

Witches'  Fkolic.             .         .         .         .          "  "     171 

Merchant  of  Venice  (2d  vol.).     ..."  "66 

Dead  Drummer.                "         .        .        .         "  "      174 

Old  Woman  Clothed  in  Grey  (2d  vol.).      .     "  "      224 

Wedding  Day  (2d  vol.).        .        .        .        ,    "  "      280 

House  Warming      "..,.*'  "      851 


THE 

INGOLDSBY    LEGEinDS, 


THE  SPECTRE  OF  TAPPINGTOK 

"  It  is  very  odd,  though ;  what  can  have  become  of 
them  ?"  said  Charles  Seaforth,  as  he  peeped  imder  tho 
valance  of  an  old-fashioned  bedstead,  in  an  old-fashioned 
apartment  of  a  still  more  old-fashioned  manor-house ; 
"  't  is  confoundedly  odd,  and  I  can't  make  it  out  at  all. 
"Why,  Barney,  where  are  they  ? — and  where  the  d — 1 
are  you !" 

No  answer  was  returned  to  this  appeal;  and  the 
Lieutenant,  who  was,  in  the  main,  a  reasonable  person, — 
at  least  as  reasonable  a  person  as  any  young  gentleman 
of  twenty-two  in  "  the  service"  can  fairly  be  expected  to 
be, — cooled  when  he  reflected  that  his  servant  could 
scarcely  reply  extempore  to  a  summons  which  it  was 
impossible  he  should  hear. 

An  application  to  the  bell  was  the  considerate  result ; 
and  the  footsteps  of  as  tight  a  lad  as  ever  put  pipe-clay 
to  belt  sounded  along  the  gallery. 

"  Come  in  !"  said  his  master. — An  ineffectual  attemp*. 
upon  the  door  reminded  Mr.  Seaforth  th-^t  he  had  locked 


14  THE    SPECTRE 

himself  in. — "  By  Heaven  !  this  is  the  oddest  thing  of 
all,"  said  he,  as  he  turned  the  key  and  admitted  Mr, 
Maguire  into  his  dormitory. 

"  Barney,  where  are  ray  pantaloons  ?" 

"  Is  it  the  breeches  ?"  asked  the  valet,  casting  an 
inquiring  eye  round  the  apartment ; — "  is  it  the  breeches, 
sir?" 

"  Yes ;  what  liave  you  done  with  them  ?" 

"  Sure  then  your  honour  had  them  on  when  you  went 
to  bed,  and  it's  hereabout  they'll  be,  I'll  be  bail ;"  and 
Barney  lifted  a  fashionable  tunic  from  a  cane-backed 
arm-chair,  proceeding  in  his  examination.  But  the 
search  was  vain :  there  was  the  tunic  aforesaid, — there 
was  a  smart-looking  kerseymere  waistcoat;  but  the  most 
important  article  of  all  in  a  gentleman's  wardrobe  was 
still  wanting. 

"  Where  can  they  be  ?"  asked  the  master,  with  a  strong 
accent  on  the  auxiliary  verb. 

"  Sorrow  a  know  I  knows,"  said  the  man. 

"  It  m/ast  have  been  the  Devil,  then,  after  all,  who 
has  been  here  and  carried  them  off!"  cried  Seaforth, 
staring  full  into  Barney's  face. 

Mr.  Maguire  was  not  devoid  of  the  superstition  of  his 
countrymen,  still  he  looked  as  if  he  did  not  quite 
Bubscribe  to  the  sequitur. 

His  master  read  incredulity  in  his  countenance.  "  Why, 
I  tell  you,  Barney,  I  put  them  there,  on  that  arm-chair, 
when  I  got  into  bed  ;  and,  by  Heaven  !  I  distinctly  saw 
the  ghost  of  the  old  fellow  they  told  me  of,  come  in  at 
midnight,  put  on  my  pantaloons,  and  walk  away  with 
them." 

"  May  be  so  "  w;is  the  cautious  reply. 


OF    TAFPINOTON.  15 

"  I  thought,  of  course,  it  was  a  dream  ;  hut  then, — 
where  the  d — 1  are  the  breeches  ?" 

The  question  was  more  easily  asked  than  answered. 
Barney  renewed  his  search,  while  the  lieutenant  folded 
his  arms,  and,  haning  against  the  toilet,  sunk  into  a 
reverie. 

"  After  all,  it  must  be  some  trick  of  my  laughter-loving 
cousins,"  said  Seaforth. 

"  Ah !  then,  the  ladies !"  chimed  in  Mr.  Maguire, 
though  the  observation  was  not  addressed  to  him  ;  "  and 
will  it  be  Miss  Carohne,  or  Miss  Fanny,  that's  stole  your 
honour's  things  ?" 

"  I  hardly  know  what  to  think  of  it,"  pursued  the 
bereaved  lieutenant,  still  speaking  in  soliloquy,  with  his 
eye  resting  dubiously  on  the  chamber-door.  "  I  locked 
myself  in,  that's  certain  ;  and — but  there  must  be  some 
other  elitrance  to  the  room — pooh  !  I  remember — the 
private  staircase  ;  how  could  I  be  such  a  fool  ?"  and  he 
crossed  the  chamber  to  where  a  low  oaken  doorcase  was 
dimly  visible  in  a  distant  corner.  He  paused  before  it. 
Nothing  now  interfered  to  screen  it  from  observation ; 
but  it  bore  tokens  of  having  been  at  some  earlier  period 
concealed  by  tapestry,  remains  of  which  yet  clothed  the 
walls  on  either  side  of  the  portal. 

"  This  way  they  must  have  come,"  said  Seaforth ;  "  I 
wish  with  all  my  heart  I  had  caught  them !" 

"  Och  !  tlie  kittens  !"  sighed  Mr.  Barney  Maguire. 

But  the  mystery  was  yet  as  far  from  being  solved  as 
before.  True,  there  luas  the  "other  door;"  but  then 
that,  too,  on  examination,  was  even  more  firmly  secured 
than  the  one  wliich  opened  on  the  gallery, — two  heavy 
bolts  on  the  insidr-    etTectuallv  prevented  any  couj^  dc 


16  THE    SPECl'RE 

main  on  the  lieutenant's  bivouac  from  that  quarter. 
He  was  more  puzzled  than  ever ;  nor  did  the  minutest 
inspection  of  the  walls  and  floor  throw  any  light  upon 
the  subject:  one  thing  only  was  clear, — the  breeches 
were  gone  !  "  It  is  vcr]/  singular,"  said  the  lieutenant. 
***** 

Tappington  (generaily  called  Tapton)  Everard,  isi 
an  antiquated  but  commodious  manor-house  in  the 
eastern  division  of  the  county  of  Kent.  A  former 
proprietor  had  been  High-sheriflf  in  the  days  of  Elizabeth, 
and  many  a  dark  and  dismal  tradition  was  yet  extant  of 
the  licentiousness  of  his  life,  and  the  enormity  of  his 
offences.  The  Glen,  which  the  keeper's  daughter  was 
seen  to  enter,  but  never  known  to  quit,  still  frowns 
darkly  as  of  yore  ;  while  an  ineradicable  bloodstain  on 
the  oaken  stair  yet  bids  defiance  to  the  united  energies  of 
soap  and  sand.  But  it  is  with  one  particular  apartment 
that  a  deed  of  more  especial  atrocity  is  said  to  be 
connected.  A  stranger  guest — so  runs  the  legend — 
arrived  unexpectedly  at  the  mansion  of  the  "Bad  Sir 
Giles."  They  met  in  apparent  fnendship;  but  the 
ill-concealed  scowl  on  their  master's  brow  told  the 
domestics  that  the  visit  was  not  a  welcome  one.  The 
banquet,  however,  was  not  spared  ;  the  wine-cup  circulat- 
ed freely, — too  freely,  perhaps, — for  sounds  of  discord 
at  length  reached  the  ears  of  even  the  excluded  serving- 
men  as  they  were  doing  their  best  to  imitate  their 
betters  in  the  lower  hall.  Alarmed,  some  of  them 
ventured  to  approach  the  parlour;  one,  an  old  and 
favoured  retainer  of  the  house,  went  so  fiir  as  to  break 
in  upon  his  master's  privacy.  Sir  Giles,  already  high  m 
oath,  fiercely  enjoined  his  absence,  and  he  retired ;  not, 


OF    TAPPINGTON.  l7 

however,  before  he  had  distinctly  heard  from  the 
stranger's  hps  a  menace  that  "  There  was  that  within 
his  pocket  which  could  disprove  the  knight's  right  to 
issue  that  or  any  other  command  within  the  walls  of 
Tapton." 

The  intrusion,  though  momentary,  seemed  to  have 
produced  a  beneficial  effect;  the  voices  of  the  dispu- 
tants fell,  and  the  conversation  was  carried  on  thence- 
forth in  a  more  subdued  tone,  till,  as  evening  closed  in, 
the  domestics,  when  summoned  to  attend  with  lights, 
found  not  only  cordiality  restored,  but  that  a  still 
deeper  carouse  was  meditated.  Fresh  stoups,  and  fioni 
the  choicest  bins,  were  produced ;  nor  was  it  till  at  a 
late,  or  rather  early  hour,  that  the  revellers  sought  their 
chambers. 

The  one  allotted  to  the  stranger  occupied  the  first 
floor  of  the  eastern  angle  of  the  building,  and  had  once 
been  the  favourite  apartment  of  Sir  Giles  himself. 
Scandal  ascribed  this  preference  to  the  facility  which  a 
private  staircase,  communicating  with  the  grounds,  had 
aff'orded  him,  in  the  old  knight's  time,  of  following  his 
wicked  courses  unchecked  by  parental  observation;  a 
consideration  which  ceased  to  be  of  weight  when  the 
death  of  his  father  left  him  uncontrolled  master  of  his 
estate  and  actions.  From  that  period  Sir  Giles  had 
established  himself  in  what  were  called  the  "  state 
apartments ;"  and  the  "  oaken  chamber"  was  rarely 
tenanted,  save  on  occasions  of  extraordinary  festivity, 
or  when  the  yule  log  drew  an  unusually  large  acces- 
sion of  guests  around  the  Christmas  hearth. 

On  this  eventful  night  it  was  prepared  for  the  un- 
known visiter,  who  sought  his  couch   heated   and  in- 


18  THE  SPECTRE 

flamed  from  his  midnight  orgies,  and  in  the  morning 
was  found  in  his  bed  a  swollen  and  blackened  corpse. 
No  marks  of  violence  appeared  upon  the  body  ;  but  the 
livid  hue  of  the  lips,  and  certain  dark-coloured  spots 
visible  on  the  skin,  aroused  suspicions  which  those  who 
entertained  them  were  too  timid  to  express.  Apo- 
plexy, induced  by  the  excesses  of  the  preceding  night, 
Sir  Giles's  confidential  leech  pronounced  to  be  the  cause 
of  his  sudden  dissolution :  the  body  was  buried  in 
peace;  and  though  some  shook  their  heads  as  they 
witnessed  the  haste  with  which  the  funeral  rites  were 
hurried  on,  none  ventured  to  murmur.  Other  events 
arose  to  distract  the  attention  of  the  retainers ;  men's 
minds  became  occupied  by  the  stirring  politics  of  the 
day,  while  the  near  approach  of  that  formidable  armada, 
so  vainly  arrogating  to  itself  a  title  which  the  very  ele- 
ments joined  with  human  valour  to  disprove,  soon  inter- 
fered to  weaken,  if  not  obliterate,  all  remembrance  of 
the  nameless  stranger  who  had  died  within  the  walls 
of  Tapton  Everard. 

Years  rolled  on  :  the  "  Bad  Sir  Giles"  had  himself 
long  since  gone  to  his  account,  the  last,  as  it  was  be- 
lieved, of  his  immediate  line ;  though  a  few  of  the 
older  tenants  were  sometimes  heard  to  speak  of  an 
elder  brother,  who  had  disappeared  in  early  life,  and 
never  inherited  the  estate.  Rumours,  too,  of  his  having 
left  a  son  in  foreign  lands  were  at  one  time  rife ;  but 
they  died  away,  nothing  occurring  to  support  them  : 
the  property  passed  unchallenged  to  a  collateral  branch 
of  the  family,  and  the  secret,  if  secret  there  were,  was 
buried  in  Denton  churchyard,  in  the  lonely  grave  of  the 
mysterious  stranger.     One  circumstance  alone  occurred, 


OF    TAI'PINGTON.  V. 

after  a  long-intervening  period,  to  revive  the  memor;y 
of  these  transactions.  Some  workmen  employed  in 
grubbing  an  old  plantation,  for  the  purpose  of  raising 
on  its  site  a  modern  shrubbery,  dug  up,  in  the  execu- 
tion of  their  task,  the  mildevi^ed  remnants  of  what 
seemed  to  have  been  once  a  garment.  On  more 
minute  inspection  enough  remained  of  silken  slashes 
and  a  coarse  embroidery  to  identify  the  relics  as  hav- 
ing once  formed  part  of  a  pair  of  trunk  hose ;  while  a 
few  papers  which  fell  from  them,  altogether  illegible  from 
damp  and  age,  were  by  tlie  unlearned  rustics  conveyed 
to  the  then  owner  of  the  estate. 

Whether  the  squire  was  more  successful  in  deciphei- 
ing  them  was  never  known  ;  he  certainly  never  alluded 
to  their  contents ;  and  little  would  have  been  thought 
of  the  matter  but  for  the  inconvenient  memory  of  one 
old  woman,  who  declared  she  heard  her  grandfather 
say  that  when  the  "stranger  guest"  was  poisoned, 
though  all  the  rest  of  his  clothes  were  there,  his 
breeches,  the  supposed  repository  of  the  supposed 
documents,  could  never  be  found.  The  master  of  Tap- 
ton  Everard  smiled  when  he  heard.  Dame  Jones's  hint 
of  deeds  which  might  impeach  the  validity  of  his 
own  title  in  favour  of  some  unknown  descendant  of 
some  unknown  heir ;  and  the  story  was  rarely  alluded 
to,  save  by  one  or  two  miracle-mongers,  who  had 
heard  that  others  had  seen  the  ghost  of  old  Sir  Giles, 
in  his  night-cap,  issue  from  the  postern,  enter  the 
adjoining  copse,  and  wring  his  shadowy  hands  in 
agony,  as  he  seemed  to  search  vainly  for  something 
hidden  among  the  evergreens.  The  stranger's  death- 
room   had,  of  course,  been  occasionally  hauntod  fi'om 


20  THE    Sl^KCTKE 

the  time  of  his  decease ;  but  the  periods  of  visitation 
had  lattei'ly  become  very  rare, — even  Mrs.  Botherby, 
the  housekeeper,  being  forced  tc  admit  that,  during  hei 
long  sojourn  at  the  manor,  she  had  never  "  met  with 
anything  worse  than  herself ;"  though  as  the  old  lady 
afterwards  added  upon  more  mature  reflection,  "I 
must  say  I  think  I  saw  the  devil  oncey 

Such  was  the  legend  attached  to  Tapton  Everard, 
and  such  the  story  which  the  lively  Caroline  Ingoldsby 
detailed  to  her  equally  mercurial  cousin  Charles  Sea- 
forth,  lieutenant  in  the  Hon.  East  India  Company's 
second  regiment  of  Bombay  Fencibles,  as  arm-in-arm 
they  promenaded  a  gallery  decked  with  some  dozen 
grim-looking  ancestral  portraits,  and,  among  others, 
with  that  of  the  redoubted  Sir  Giles  himself.  The 
gallant  commander  had  that  very  morning  paid  his 
first  visit  to  the  house  of  his  maternal  uncle,  after  an 
absence  of  several  years  passed  with  his  regiment  on  the 
arid  plains  of  Hindostan,  whence  he  was  now  returned 
on  a  three  years'  furlough.  He  had  gone  out  a  boy, 
— he  returned  a  man  ;  but  the  impression  made  upon 
his  youthful  fancy  by  his  favourite  cousin  remained 
unimpaired,  and  to  Tapton  he  directed  his  steps,  even 
before  he  sought  the  home  of  his  widowed  mother, — 
comforting  himself  in  this  breach  of  filial  decorum  by 
the  reflection  that,  as  the  manor  was  so  little  out  of  his 
way,  it  would  be  unkind  to  pass,  as  it  were,  the  dooT' 
of  his  relatives  without  just  looking  in  for  a  few  hours. 

But  he  found  his  uncle  as  hospitable  and  his  cousin 
more  charming  than  ever ;  and  the  looks  of  one,  and 
iJie  requests  of  the  other,  soon  precluded  the  possibility 
of  refusing  to  lengthen   the  "  fe\v  hours "  into   a   few 


CF    TAPriNGTON.  21 

days,  though  the  house  was  at  the  moment  full  of 
visiters. 

The  Peterses  were  there  from  Ramsgate;  and  Mr., 
Mrs.,  and  the  two  Miss  Simpkinsons,  from  Bath,  had 
come  to  pass  a  month  with  the  family;  and  Tom 
Ingoldsby  had  brought  down  his  college  friend,  the 
Honourable  Augustus  Sucklethumbkin,  with  his  groom 
and  pointers,  to  take  a  fortnight's  shooting.  And  then 
there  was  Mrs.  Ogleton,  the  rich  yoimg  widow,  with  her 
large  black  eyes,  who,  people  did  say,  was  setting  her 
cap  at  the  young  squire,  though  Mrs.  Botherby  did  not 
believe  it ;  and,  above  all,  there  was  Mademoiselle  Pau- 
line, h.Q:Y  femme  de  chambre,  who  ^^  Tfion-Dieu'd  "  every- 
thing and  everybody,  and  cried  ^^  Quel  horreur  /  "  at 
Mrs.  Botherby's  cap.  In  short,  to  use  the  last-named 
and  much  respected  lady's  own  expression,  the  house 
was  "choke-full"  to  the  very  attics, — all,  save  the 
"  oaken  chamber,"  which,  as  the  lieutenant  expressed  a 
most  magnificent  disregard  of  ghosts,  was  forthwith 
appropriated '  to  his  particular  accommodation.  Mr. 
Maguire,  meanwhile,  was  fain  to  share  the  apartment 
of  Oliver  Dobbs,  the  squire's  own  man :  a  jocular  pro- 
posal of  joint  occupancy  having  been  at  first  indignantly 
rejected  by  "  Mademoiselle,"  though  preferred  with  the 
"  laste  taste  in  life "  of  Mr.  Barney's  most  insinuatino; 

brogue. 

*  *  *  *  * 

"  Come,  Charles,  the  urn  is  absolutely  getting  cold  ; 
your  breakfast  will  be  quite  spoiled  :  what  can  have 
made  you  so  idle  ?  "  Such  was  the  morning  salutation 
of  Mihs  Ingoldsby  to  the  militaire  as  he  entered  the 
breakfast- room  half  an  hour  after  the  Litest  of  the  party 


22  THE    SPECTRE 

"x\  pretty  gontieman,  truly,  to  make  an  appointment 
with,"  chimed  in  Miss  Frances.  "  What  is  become  of 
our  ramble  to  the  rocks  before  breakfast  ? " 

"  Oh  !  the  young  men  never  think  of  keeping  a  pro- 
mise now,"  said  Mrs.  Peters,  a  little  ferret-faced  woman 
with  underdone  eyes. 

"  When  I  was  a  young  man,"  said  Mr.  Peters,  "  I 
remember  I  always  made  a  point  of " 

"  Pray  how  long  ago  was  that  ? "  asked  Mr.  Simpkin- 
Bon  from  Bath. 

"  Why,  sir,  when  I  mari-ied  Mrs.  Peters,  I  was — let 
me  see — I  was " 

"  Do  pray  hold  your  tongue,  P.,  and  eat  your  break- 
fast ! "  interrupted  his  better  half,  who  had  a  mortal 
hoiTor  of  chronological  references ;  "  it's  very  rude  to 
tease  people  with  your  family  affairs." 

The  lieutenant  had  by  this  time  taken  his  seat  in 
silence, — a  good-humoured  nod,  and  a  glance,  half- 
smiling,  half-inquisitive,  being  the  extent  of  his  saluta- 
tion. Smitten  as  he  was,  and  in  the  immediate  presence 
of  her  who  had  made  so  large  a  hole  in  his  heart, 
his  manner  was  evidently  distrait,  which  the  fair  Caro- 
Hne  in  her  secret  soul  attributed  to  his  being  solely 
occupied  by  her  agremens, — how  w^ould  she  have 
bridled  had  she  known  that  they  only  shared  his  medi- 
tations with  a  pair  of  breeches ! 

Charles  drank  his  coffee  and  spiked  some  half-dozen 
eggs,  darting  occasionally  a  penetrating  glance  at  the 
ladies,  in  hope  of  detecting  the  supposed  waggery  by 
the  evidence  of  some  furtive  smile  or  conscious  look. 
But  in  vain  ;  not  a  dimple  moved  indicative  of  roguery, 
nor  did  the  slightest  ei^^vation  of  oyebrov  rise  con  firm  t 


OF    TAPPINGTON.  23 

tive  of  Ill's  suspicions.  Hints  and  insinuatii-Hs  passed 
unheeded, — more  particular  inquiries  were  out  of  the 
question  : — the  subject  was  unapproachable. 

In  the  meantime,  "  patent  cords  "  were  just  the  thing 
for  a  morning's  ride ;  and,  breakfast  ended,  away  can- 
tered the  party  over  the  downs,  till,  every  faculty  ab- 
sorbed by  the  beauties,  animate  and  inanimate,  which 
surrounded  him,  Lieutenant  Seaforth  of  the  Bombay 
Fencibles  bestowed  no  more  thought  upon  his  breeches 

than  if  he  had  been  born  on  the  top  of  Ben  Lomond. 
%  ^  ^  ^  % 

Another  night  had  passed  away ;  the  sun  rose  bril- 
liantly, forming  with  his  level  beams  a  splendid  rain- 
bow in  the  far-off  west,  whither  the  heavy  cloud,  which 
for  the  last  two  hours  had  been  pouring  its  waters  on 
the  earth,  was  now  flying  before  him. 

"Ah  !  then,  and  it's  little  good  it'll  be  the  claning  of 
ye,"  apostrophised  Mr.  Barney  Maguire,  as  he  deposited 
in  front  of  his  master's  toilet,  a  pair  of  "  bran-new " 
jockey  boots,  one  of  Hoby's  primest  fits,  which  the 
lieutenant  had  purchased  in  his  way  through  town.  On 
that  very  morning  had  they  come  for  the  first  time 
under  the  valet's  depurating  hand,  so  little  soiled, 
indeed,  from  the  tui-fy  ride  of  the  preceding  day,  that  a 
less  scrupulous  domestic  might,  perhaps,  have  considered 
the  application  of  "  Warren's  Matchless,"  or  oxalic  acid, 
altogether  superfluous.  Not  so  Barney  :  with  the  nicest 
care  had  he  removed  the  slightest  impurity  from  each 
polished  surface,  and  there  they  stood  rejoicing  in  their 
sable  radiance.  No  wonder  a  pang  shot  across  Mr. 
Maguire's  breast,  as  he  thought  on  the  work  now 
cut  out  for  them,  so  different  from'  the  light  labours  of 


24  THK    SPECTRE 

the  day  before ;  no  wonder  he  mui'mured  with  a  sigh, 
as  the  scarce-dried  window-panes  disclosed  a  road  now 
inch-deep  in  mud,  "Ah  !  then,  it's  Httle  good  the  claning 
of  ye ! " — for  well  had  he  learned  in  the  hall  below 
that  eight  miles  of  a  stiff  clay  soil  lay  between  the  ma- 
nor and  Bolsover  Abbey,  whose  picturesque  ruins, 

"  Like  ancient  Rome,  majestic  in  decay," 

the  party  had  determined  to  explore.  The  master  had 
already  commenced  dressing,  and  the  man  was  fitting 
straps  upon  a  light  pair  of  crane-necked  spurs,  when  his 
hand  was  arrested  by  the  old  question, — "Barney, 
where  are  the  breeches  ? " 

They  were  nowhere  to  be  found  ! 

***** 

Mr.  Seaforth  descended  that  morning,  whip  in  hand, 
and  equipped  in  a  handsome  green  riding-frock,  but  nc 
"  breeches  and  boots  to  match  "  were  there  :  loose  jean 
trowsers,  surmounting  a  pair  of  diminutive  WeUingtons, 
embraced,  somewhat  incongruously,  his  nether  man, 
vice  the  "  patent  cords,"  returned,  like  yesterday's  panta- 
loons, absent  without  leave.  The  "  top-boots "  had  a 
holiday. 

"  A  fine  morning  after  the  rain,"  said  Mr.  Simpkinson 
from  Bath. 

"  Just  the  thing  for  the  'ops,"  said  Mr.  Peters.  "  I 
remember  when  I  was  a  boy — " 

"  Do  hold  your  tongue.  P.,"  said  Mrs.  Peters, — advice 
whtch  that  exemplary  matron  was  in  the  constant  habit 
of  administering  to  "  her  P."  as  she  called  him,  when- 
ever he  prepaied  ^o  vent  his  reminiscences.     Her  preciso 


01    TAPPINGTON.  25 

reason  for  this  it  would  be  difficult  to  determine,  aniess, 
indeed,  the  story  be  true  which  a  httle  bird  had  whis- 
pered into  Mrs.  Botherby's  ear, — Mr.  Peters,  though  now 
a  wealthy  man,  had  received  a  liberal  education  at  a 
charity  school,  and  was  apt  to  recur  to  the  days  of  his 
rnuffin-cap  and  leathers.  As  usual,  he  took  his  wife's 
hint  in  good  part,  and  "  paused  in  his  reply." 

"  A  glorious  day  for  the  ruins ! "  said  young  Ingoldsby. 
"  But,  Charles,  what  the  deuce  are  you  about  ? — you 
don^t  mean  to  ride  through  our  lanes  in  such  toggery 
as  that?" 

"  Lassy  me ! "  said  Miss  Julia  Simpkinson,  "  wont 
you  be  very  wet  ?  " 

"  You  had  better  take  Tom's  cab,"  quoth  the  squire. 

But  this  proposition  was  at  once  overruled  ;  Mrs, 
Ogleton  had  already  nailed  the  cab,  a  vehicle  of  all 
others  the  best  adapted  for  a  snug  tiirtittion. 

"Or  drive  Miss  Julia  in  the  phaeton?"  No;  that 
was  the  post  of  Mr.  Peters,  who,  inditferent  as  an  eques- 
trian, had  acquired  some  fame  as  a  whip  while  travel- 
lino:  throuo'h  the  midland  counties  for  the  firm  of  Bai^- 
shaw,  Snivelby,  and  Ghrimes. 

"Thank  you,  I  shall  ride  with  my  cousins,"  said 
Charles  w^ith  as  much  nonchalance  as  he  could  assume, 
— and  \\e.  did  so  ;  Mi-.  Ingoldsby,  Mrs.  Peters,  Mr.  Simp 
kinson  from  Bath,  and  his  eldest  daughter  with  h<T 
album,  following  in  the  family  coach.  The  gentleman- 
commoner  "  voted  the  aflair  d — d  slow,"  and  declined 
the  party  altogether  in  favour  of  the  game-keeper  and  a 
cigar.  "  There  was  '  no  fun '  in  looking  at  old  houses ! " 
Mrs.  Simpkinson  preferred  a  short  sejour  in  the  still- 
room  with  Mrs.  Botherby,  who  had  promised  to  initiate 

FIRST    SERIES.  2 


26  THE    SPECTRE 

bei  in  that  grand  arcanum^  tlie  transmutation  of  goobe- 

berry  jam  into  Guava  jelly. 

%  %  Vf  *  -^ 

"  Did  you  ever  see  an  old  abbey  before,  Mr  Peters  ?  " 

"  Yes,  miss,  a  French  one  ;  we  have  got  one  at  Rams- 
gate  ;  lie  teaches  the  Miss  Joneses  to  parley-voo,  and  is 
turned  of  sixty." 

Miss  Simpkinson  closed  her  album  with  an  air  of 
ineffable  disdain. 

Mr.  Simpkinson  from  Bath  was  a  professed  antic^uary, 
and  one  of  the  first  water ;  he  was  master  of  Gwillim's 
Heraldry,  and  Milles's  History  of  the  Crusades  ;  knew 
every  plate  in  the  Monasticon  ; — had  written  an  essay 
on  the  origin  and  dignity  of  the  office  of  overseer,  and 
settled  the  date  of  a  Queen  Anne's  farthing.  An  influ- 
ential member  of  the  Antiquarian  Society,  to  whose 
"  Beauties  of  Bagnigge  Wells  "  he  had  been  a  liberal 
subscriber,  procured  him  a  seat  at  tlie  board  of  that 
learned  body,  since  which  happy  epoch  Sylvanus  Urban 
had  not  a  more  indefatigable  correspondent.  Ilis 
inaugural  essay  on  the  President's  cocked  hat,  was  con 
sidered  a  miracle  of  erudition  ;  and  his  account  of  the 
earliest  application  of  gilding  to  gingerbread,  a  master 
piece  of  antiquarian  research.  His  eldest  daughter  was 
of  a  kindred  spirit :  if  her  father's  mantle  had  not  fallen 
upon  her,  it  was  only  because  he  had  not  thrown  it  ofif 
himself;  she  had  caught  hold  of  its  tail,  however,  while 
it  yet  hung  upon  liis  honoured  shoulders.  To  souls  so 
congenial  what  a  sight  was  the  magnificent  ruin  of 
Bolsover !  its  broken  arches,  its  mouldering  pinnacles, 
and  the  airy  tracery  of  its  half-demolished  windows. 
The  party  weie  in  raptures;  Mr.  Simpkinson  began  to 


OF    TAI'PINGTON.  27 

meditate  an.  essay,  and  liis  daughter  an  ode  ;  evet  Sea- 
forth,  as  lie  gazed  on  these  lonely  relics  of  the  olden 
time,  was  betrayed  into  a  momentary  forgetfulness  of 
his  love  and  losses :  the  widow's  eye-glass  turned  from 
jier  cicisheo's  whiskers  to  the  mantling  ivy  :  Mrs.  Peters 
wiped  her  spectacles  ;  and  "  her  P."  supposed  the  cen- 
tral tower  "  had  once  been  the  county  Jail."  The  squire 
was  a  philosopher,  and  had  been  there  often  before ;  so 
he  ordered  out  the  cold  tongue  and  chickens. 

"  Bolsover  Priory,"  said  Mr.  Simpkinson,  with  the  aii 
of  a  connoisseur — "  Bolsover  Priory  was  founded  in  the 
reign  of  Henry  the  Sixth,  about  the  beginning  of  the 
eleventh  century.  Hugh  de  Bolsover  had  accompanied 
that  monarch  to  the  Holy  Land,  in  the  expedition  under- 
taken by  w^ay  of  penance  for  the  murder  of  his  young 
nephews  in  the  Tower.  Upon  the  dissolution  of  the 
monasteries,  the  veteran  was  enfeofi'ed  in  the  lands  and 
manor,  to  which  he  gave  his  own  name  of  Bowlsover,  or 
Bee-owls-over,  (by  corruption  l^olsover,) — a  Bee  in  chief, 
over  three  Owls,  all  proper,  being  the  armorial  ensigns 
borne  by  this  distinguished  crusader  at  the  siege  of  Acre." 

"  Ah  1  that  was  Sir  Sidney  Smith,"  said  Mr.  Peters ; 
"  I've  heard  tell  of  him,  and  all  about  Mrs.  Partington, 
and—" 

"P.  be  quiet,  and  don't  expose  yourself!"  sharply 
interrupted  his  lady.  P.  was  silenced,  and  betook 
himself  to  the  bottled  stout. 

"  These  lands,"  continued  the  antiquary,  "  were  held 
ja  grand  serjeantry  by  the  presentation  of  three  white 
owls  and  a  pot  of  honey — " 

"Lassy  me  !  how  nice  !"  said  Miss  Julia.  Mr.  Peterp 
Hcked  his  lips. 


28  THE    SPECTRE 

"Pray  give  me  leave,  my  dear — o^\ls  and  honey, 
whenever  the  king  should  come  a  rat-catching  into  this 
part  of  the  country." 

"  Rat-catching  !"  ejaculated  the  squire,  pausing  ab- 
ruptly ill  the  mastication  of  a  drumstick. 

"To  be  sure,  my  dear  sir:  don't  you  remember  that 
rats  once  came  under  the  forest  laws — a  minor  species 
of  venison  ?  '  Rats  and  mice,  and  such  small  deer,'  eh  ? 
— Shakspeare,  yoii  know.  Our  ancestors  ate  rats  ;  ("  The 
nasty  fellows !"  shuddered  Miss  Julia  in  a  parenthesis) 
"  and  owls,  you  know,  are  capital  mousers " 

"  I've  seen  a  howl,"  said  Mr.  Peters ;  "  there's  one  in 
the  Sohological  Gardens, — a  little  hook-nosed  chap  in  a 
wig, — only  its  feathers  and " 

Poor  P.  Avas  destined  never  to  finish  a  speech. 

"  Do  be  quiet !"  cried  the  authoritative  voice,  and  the 
would-be  naturalist  shrank  into  his  shell  like  a  snail  in 
the  "  Sohological  Gardens." 

"You  shoukl  read  Blount's 'Jocular  Tenures,'  Mr. 
Ingoldsby,"  pursued  Simpkinson.  "  A  learned  man  was 
Blount !  Why,  sir,  his  Royal  Highness  the  Duke  of 
York  once  paid  a  silver  horse-shoe  to  Lord  Ferrers " 

"  I've  heard  of  him,"  broke  m  the  incorrigible  Peters ; 
"he  was  hanged  at  the  Old  Bailey  in  a  silk  rope  for 
shootings  Dr.  Johnson." 

The  antiquary  vouchsafed  no  notice  of  the  interrup- 
tion; but,  taking  a  pinch  of  snuft',  continued  his 
harangue. 

"A  silver  horse-shoe,  sir,  which  is  due  from  every 
scion  of  royalty  who  rides  across  one  of  his  manors ; 
and  if  you  look  into  the  penny  county  histories,  now 
publishing  by  an  eminent  friend  of  mine,  you  will  find 


OF    TAITINGTON.  29 

that  Langhale  in  Co.  Norf.  was  lield  by  one  Baldwin 
per  saltuiii^  suffiahmi,  et  pettum  ;  that  is,  he  was  to  come 
every  Christmas  into  Westminster  Hall,  there  to  take  a 
leap,  cry  hem  !  and " 

"  Mr.  Simpkinson,  a  glass  of  sherry  ?"  cried  Tom 
Ingoldsby,  hastily. 

"  Not  any,  thank  you,  sir.  This  Baldwin,  surnamed 
Le " 

"  Mrs.  Ogleton  challenges  you,  sir ;  she  insists  upon 
it,"  said  Tom  still  more  rapidly;  at  the  same  time  filling 
a  glass,  and  forcing  it  on  the  Sfavant,  who,  thus  arrested 
in  the  very  crisis  of  liis  narrative,  received  and  swallowed 
the  potation  as  if  it  had  been  physic. 

"What  on  earth  has  Miss  Simpkinson  discovered 
there  ?"  continued  Tom  ;  "  something  of  interest.  See 
how  fast  she  is  writing." 

The  divei-sion  was  eftectual ;  every  one  looked  towards 
Miss  Simpkinson,  who,  far  too  ethereal  for  "  creature 
comforts,"  was  seated  apart  on  the  dilapidated  remains 
of  an  altar-tomb,  committing  eagerly  to  paper  something 
that  had  strongly  impressed  her :  the  air, — the  eye  "  in 
a  fine  frenzy  rolling," — all  betokened  that  the  divine 
afflatus  was  come.  Her  father  rose,  and  stole  silently 
towards  her. 

"  What  an  old  boar !"  muttered  young  Ingoldsby  ; 
alluding,  perhaps,  to  a  slice  of  brawn  which  he  had  just 
begun  to  operate  upon,  but  which,  from  the  celerity  with 
which  it  disappeared,  did  not  seem  so  very  difficult  of 
mastication. 

But  what  liad  become  of  Seaforth  and  his  fair  Caro- 
line all  this  while  ?  Why,  it  so  happened  that  they  had 
been    simultaneously    stricken     with     the    picturesque 


30  THE    SPECTRE 

appearance  of  one  of  those  high  and  pointed  arche-s, 
which  that  eminent  antiquary,  Mr.  Horsley  Curties,  has 
described  in  his  "  Ancient  Records"  as  "  a  Gothic  window 
of  the  Saxon  order ;" — and  then  the  ivy  clustered  so 
thickly  and  so  beautifully  on  the  other  side,  that  they 
went  round  to  look  at  that; — and  then  their  proximity 
deprived  it  of  half  its  effect,  and  so  they  walked  across^ 
to  a  little  knoll,  a  hundred  yards  off,  and  in  crossing 
a  small  ravine,  they  came  to  what  in  Ireland  they  call 
"a  bad  step,"  and  Charles  had  to  cariy  his  cousin  over 
it ; — and  then,  when  they  had  to  come  back,  she  woidd 
not  give  him  the  trouble  again  for  the  world,  so  they 
followed  a  better  but  more  circuitous  route,  and  there 
were  hedges  and  ditches  in  the  way,  and  stiles  to  get 
over,  and  gates  to  get  through  ;  so  that  an  hour  or  more 
had  elapsed  before  they  were  able  to  rejoin  the  party. 

"  Lassy  me!"  said  Miss  Julia  Simpkinson,  "how  long 
you  have  been  gone  !" 

And  so  they  had.  The  remark  was  a  very  just  as 
well  as  a  very  natural  one.  They  were  gone  a  long 
while,  and  a  nice  cosey  chat  they  had  ;  and  what  do  you 
think  it  was  all  about,  ray  dear  miss  ? " 

"  O,  lassy  me  !  love,  no  doubt,  and  the  moon,  and  eyes, 
'and  nightingales,  and " 

Stay,  stay,  my  sweet  young  lady ;  do  not  let  the 
fervour  of  your  feelings  run  away  with  you  !  I  do  not 
pretend  to  say,  indeed,  that  one  or  more  of  these  pretty 
subjects  might  not  have  been  introduced  ;  but  the  most 
important  and  leading  topic  of  the  conference  was — 
Lieutenant  Seaforth's  breeches. 

"  Caroline,"  said  Charl  ^s,  "  I  liave  had  some  very  odd 
dreams  since  I  have  been  at  Ta})pington." 


OF    TAI'PINGTON.  31 

"  Dres^ms,  have  you  ?"  smiled  the  young  lady,  arch- 
ing her  taper  neck  Uke  a  swan  in  pluming.  "  Dreams, 
have  you  ?" 

"  Ay,  dreams, — or  dream,  perhaps,  I  should  say ;  for, 
though  repeated,  it  was  still  the  same.  And  wdiat  do 
you  imagine  was  its  subject  ?" 

"  It  is  impossible  for  me  to  divine,"  said  the  tongue  ; 
■ — "  I  liave  not  the  least  difficulty  in  guessing,"  said 
the  eye  as  plainly  as  ever  eye  spoke. 

"I  dreamt — of  your  great  grandfather  !" 

There  was  a  change  in  the  glance — "My  great 
grandfather  1" 

"Yes,  the  old  Sir  Giles,  or  Sir  John,  you  told  me 
about  the  other  day  :  lie  walked  into  my  bedroom  in 
liis  short  cloak  of  murrey-coloured  velvet,  his  long 
rapier,  and  his  Raleigh-looking  hat  and  feather,  just 
as  the  picture  represents  him  ;  but  with  one  excep- 
tion." 

"  And  what  was  that  ?" 

"  Why  his  lower  extremities,  which  were  visible, 
were — those  of  a  skeleton." 

"  Well." 

"  Well,  after  taking  a  turn  or  two  about  the  room, 
and  looking  round  him  with  a  wistful  air,  he  came  to 
the  bed's  foot,  stared  at  me  in  a  manner  impossible  to 
describe, — and  then  he — he  laid  hold  of  my  panta- 
loons; whipped  his  long  bony  legs  into  them  in  a 
twinkling;  and,  strutting  up  to  the  glass,  seemed  to 
view  himself  in  it  with  great  complacency.  I  tried 
to  speak,  but  in  vain.  The  effort,  however,  seemed  tc 
excite  his  attention  ;  for,  wheeimg  about,  he  showed 
me  the   sfrimmest-lookino-  death's   he?d  vou  can    well 


82  THE    SPECTRE 

imagine,  and  with  an  indescribable  grin  strutted  out  oi 
the  room." 

"  Absurd  1  Charles.  How  can  you  talk  such  non- 
sense ?" 

"  But,  Caroline, — the  breeches  are  really  gone." 

•'it  -^  *  'k  %>v 

On  the  following  morning,  contrary  to  his  usual 
custom,  Seaforth  was  the  first  person  in  the  break- 
fast parlour.  As  no  one  else  was  present,  he  did 
precisely  what  nine  young  men  out  of  ten  so  situated 
would  have  done ;  lie  walked  up  to  the  mantel-piece, 
establislied  himself  upon  the  rug,  and  subducting  his 
3oat-tails  one  under  each  arm,  turned  towards  the  five 
that  portion  of  tlie  liuman  frame  which  it  is  con- 
sidered equally  indecorous  to  present  to  a  friend  or 
an  enemy.  A  serious,  not  to  say  anxious,  expression 
was  visible  upon  his  good-humoured  countenance',  and 
his  mouth  was  fast  buttoning  itself  up  for  an  incipient 
whistle,  when  little  Flo,  a  tiny  spaniel  of  the  Blenheim 
breed, — the  pet  object  of  Miss  Julia  Simpkinson's  affec- 
tions,— bounced  out  from  beneath  a  sofa,  and  began  to 
bark  at — his  pantaloons. 

They  were  cleverly  "  built,"  of  a  light  gTey  mixture, 
a  broad  strii>e  of  the  most  vivid  scarlet  traversing  each 
seam  in  a  perpendicular  direction  from  hip  to  ankle, — 
in  short,  the  regimental  costume  of  the  Royal  Bombay 
Fencibles.  The  animal,  educated  in  the  country,  had 
never  seen  such  a  pair  of  breeches  in  her  life — Omne 
ignotumiyro  magnijico  !  The  scarlet  streak,  inflamed  as 
it  was  by  the  reflection  of  the  fire,  seemed  to  act  on 
Flora's  nerves  as  the  same  colour  does  on  those  of  bulls 
and  turkeys  ;  she  advanced  at  theT^f/.s^  de  charge^  and  hef 


OF    TAPPTNGTON.  60 

vociferation,  like  her  amazement,  was  unbounded.  A 
sound  kick  from  the  disgusted  officer  changed  its  cha- 
racter, and  induced  a  retreat  at  the  very  moment  when 
the  mistress  of  the  pugnacious  quadruped  entered  to 
the  rescue. 

"Lassy  me!  Flo!  what  is  the  matter?"  cried  the 
sympathising  lady,  with  a  scrutinizing  glance  levelled 
at  the  gentleman. 

It  might  as  well  have  lighted  on  a  feather  bed. — 
His  air  of  imperturbable  unconsciousness  defied  ex- 
amination ;  and  as  he  would  not,  and  Flora  could  not, 
expound,  that  injured  individual  was  compelled  to 
pocket  up  her  wrongs.  Others  of  the  household  soon 
dropped  in,  and  clustered  round  the  board  dedicated 
to  the  most  sociable  rf  meals;  the  urn  was  paraded 
"hissing  hot,"  and  the  cups  which  "cheer,  but  not 
inebriate,"  steamed  redolent  of  hyson  and  pekoe ; 
muffins  and  marmalade,  newspapers  and  Finnan  bad- 
dies, left  little  room  for  observation  on  the  character 
of  Charles's  warlike  "  turn-out."  At  length  a  look 
from  Caroline,  followed  by  a  smile  that  nearly  ripened 
to  a  titter,  caused  him  to  turn  abruptly  and  address 
his  neigiibour.  It  was  Miss  Simpkinson,  who,  deeply 
engaged  in  sipping  her  tea  and  turning  over  her  album, 
seemed,  like  a  female  Chronohotonthologos,  "  immersed 
in  cogibundity  of  cogitation."  An  interrogatory  on  the 
subject  of  her  studies  drew  from  her  the  confession  that 
she  was  at  that  moment  employed  in  putting  the  finish- 
ing touches  to  a  poem  inspiied  by  the  romantic  shades 
of  Bolsover.  The  entreaties  of  the  company  were  of 
course  urgent.  Mr.  Peters,  "who  liked  verses,"  was 
especial  I V  i^ersev(  rino-,  and  Sappho  at  length  compHant. 
2* 


34  THE    RPEf'THE 

After  a  preparatory  liem !  and  a  glance  at  the  mii'i-or 
to  ascertain  that  lier  look  was  sufliciently  sentimental, 
the  poetess  began  : — 

"There  is  a  calm,  u  holy  feeling, 

Vulj^ar  minds  can  never  know, 
O'er  the  bosom  softly  stealing,-  - 

ChastenM  grief,  delicious  woe  ! 
Oil  I   how  sweet  at  eve  regaining 

Yon  lone  tower's  scijuester'd  shade — 
Sadly  mule  and  uncomplaining "' 

— Yow  ! — yeongli ! — yeongli ! — yow  ! — yow  !  yelled  a 
hapless  sntferer  from  beneath  the  table. — It  was  an 
unhicky  hour  for  quadrupeds  ;  and  if  "  every  dog  will 
have  his  day,"  he  could  not  have  selected  a  more  unpro- 
pitious  one  than  this.  Mrs.  Ogleton,  too,  had  a  pet, — a 
favourite  pug, — whose  squab  figure,  black  muzzle,  and 
tortuosity  of  tail,  that  curled  like  a  head  of  celery  in  a 
salad-bowl,  bespoke  his  Dutch  extraction.  Yow  ! 
yow  !  yow  I  continued  the  brute,- — a  chorus  in  which 
Flo  instantly  joined.  Sooth  to  say,  pug  had  more 
reason  to  express  his  dissatisfaction  than  was  given  him 
by  the  muse  of  Simpkinson  ;  the  other  only  barked  for 
company.  Scarcely  had  the  poetess  got  through  her 
first  stanza,  when  Tom  Tngoldsby,  in  the  enthusiasm 
of  the  moment,  became  so  lost  to  the  material  world, 
that,  in  his  abstraction,  he  unwarily  laid  his  hand  on 
the  cock  of  the  urn.  Quivering  with  emotion,  he  gave 
it  such  an  unlucky  twist,  that  tlie  full  stream  of  its 
scalding  contents  descended  on  the  gingerbread  hide 
of  the  unhicky  Cupid. — The  confusion  was  complete ; 
— the  whole  economy  of  the  table  disarranged; — the 
company   broke    up  in   most  admired    disorder ; — and 


OF    TAIM'INGTON  35 

"  Vulgar  minds  will  never  know'*  anytli'ng  more  of 
Miss  >Sinipkinson's  ode  till  tliey  peruse  it  in  some 
forthcoming  Annual. 

Seafortli  profited  by  the  confusion  to  take  the  delin- 
quent who  had  caused  this  "stramash"  by  the  arm,  and 
to  lead  him  to  the  lawn,  where  he  had  a  word  or  two 
for  his  private  ear.  The  conference  between  the  young 
gentlemen  was  neither  brief  in  its  duration  nor  unim- 
portant in  its  result.  Tlie  subject  was  what  the  lawyers 
call  tripartite,  embracing  the  information  that  Charles 
Seaforth  was  over  head  and  ears  in  love  with  Tom 
Ingoldsby's  sister ;  secondly,  that  the  lady  had  referred 
him  to  "papa"  for  his  sanction;  thirdly,  and  lastly,  his 
nightly  visitations,  and  consequent  bereavement.  At 
the  two  first  items  Tom  smiled  auspiciously ; — at  the 
last  he  burst  out  into  an  absolute  "  guffaw." 

"  Steal  your  breeches  ! — Miss  I^ailey  over  again,  by 
Jove,"  shouted  Ingoldsby.  "  But  a  gentleman,  you  say, 
—and  Sir  Giles  too. — I  am  not  sure,  Charles,  whether 
I  ought  not  to  call  you  out  for  aspersing  the  honour  of 
the-family ! " 

"Laugh  as  you  will,  Tom, — be  as  incredulous  as 
you  please.  One  fact  is  incontestable, — the  breeches 
are  gone !  Look  here — I  am  reduced  to  ray  regi- 
mentals ;  and  if  these  go,  to-morrow  I  must  bori-ow  of 
y  )u  ! " 

Rechefoucault  says,  there  is  somethinof  in  the  misfor- 
tunes  of  our  very  best  friends  that  does  not  displease  us; 
—  assuredly  we  can,  most  of  us,  laugh  at  their  peiiy 
inconveniences,  till  called  upon  to  supply  them.  Tom 
composed  his  features  on  the  instant,  and  replied  with 
more  c^ravity,  as  well  as  with  an  expletive,  which,  if  my 


36  THE    SPECTRE 

Lord  Mayor  had  been  witliin  hearing,  niiglit  ha\e  cost 
him  five  shillings. 

"  There  is  something  very  queer  in  this,  after  all.  The 
clothes,  you  say,  have  positively  disappeared.  Some- 
body is  playing  you  a  trick  ;  and,  ten  to  one,  your  ser- 
vant has  a  hand  in  it.  By  the  way,  I  heard  something* 
yesterday  of  his  kicking  up  a  bobbery  in  the  kitchen, 
and  seeing  a  ghost,  or  something  of  that  kind,  himself. 
Depend  upon  it,  Barney  is  in  the  plot !" 

It  now  struck  the  Lieutenant  at  once,  that  the  usually 
buoyant  spirits  of  his  attendant  had  of  late  been  mate- 
rially sobered  down,  his  loquacity  obviously  circum- 
scribed, and  that  he,  the  said  Lieutenant,  had  actually 
rung  liis  bell  three  several  times  that  very  morning 
before  he  could  procure  his  attendance.  Mr.  Maguire 
was  forthwith  summoned,  and  underwent  a  close  exami- 
nation. The  "bobbery"  was  easily  explained.  Mr. 
Oliver  Dobbs  had  hinted  his  disapprobation  of  a  flirta- 
tion carrying  on  between  the  gentleman  from  Munster 
and  tlie  lady  from  the  Rue  St.  Ilonore.  Mademoiselle 
had  boxed  Mr.  Maguire's  ears,  and  Mr.  Maguire  had 
pulled  Mademoiselle  upon  his  knee,  and  the  lady  had 
not  cried  Mon  Dicu  !  And  Mr.  Oliver  Dobbs  said  it 
was  very  wrong ;  and  Mrs.  Botherby  said  it  was  "  scan- 
dalous," and  what  ought  not  to  be  done  in  any  moral 
kitchen ; — and  Mr.  Maguire  had  got  liold  of  the  Ho- 
nourable Augustus  Sucklethumbkin's  powder-flask,  and 
had  put  large  pinches  of  the  best  double  Dartford 
into  Mr.  Dobbs's  tobacco-box  ; — and  Mr.  Dobbs's  pipe 
had  exploded,  and  set  fire  to  Mrs.  Botherby's  Sunday 
cap ; — and  Mr.  Maguire  had  put  it  out  with  the  slop- 
Iv'isin,  ''barring  the  wis;;" — and  then  they  were  all  sc 


OF    TAPPINGTON.         '  31 

•'  cantankerous,"  that  Barney  had  gone  to  take  a  wall 
in  the  garden ;  and  tlien — then  Mr.  Barney  had  seen 
ghost ! ! 

"A  what  ?  you  blockhead  !  "  asked  Tom  Ingoldsby. 

"  Sure  then,  and  it's  meself  will  tejl  your  honour  the 
rights  of  it,"  said  the  Ghost-seer.  "  Meself  and  Miss 
Pauline,  sir, — or  Miss  Pauline  and  meself,  for  the  ?adies 
come  first  anyhow, — we  got  tired  of  the  hobstroppylous 
skrimmaging  among  the  ould  servants,  that  didn't  know 
a  joke  when  they  seen  one  :  and  we  went  out  to  look 
at  the  comet,  that's  the  rory-bory-alehouse,  they  calls 
him  in  this  country, — and  we  walked  upon  the  lawn, — 
and  divil  of  any  alehouse  there  was  there  at  all ;  and 
Miss  Pauline  said  it  was  because  of  the  shrubbery  may- 
be, and  why  w^ouldn't  we  see  it  better  beyonst  the  trees  ? 
— and  so  we  went  to  the  trees,  but  sorrow  a  comet  did 
meself  see  there,  barring  a  big  Ghost  instead  of  it." 

"A  ghost?     And  what  sort  of  a  ghost,  ]>arney  ?  " 

"  Och,  then,  divil  a  lie  PU  tell  your  honour.  A  tall 
ould  gentleman  he  was,  all  in  white,  with  a  shovel  on 
the  shoulder  of  him,  and  a  big  torch  in  his  fist, — though 
what  he  wanted  with  that  it's  meself  can't  tell,  for  his 
eyes  were  like  gig-lamps,  let  alone  the  moon  and  the 
comet,  which  wasn't  there  at  all ; — and  'Barney,'  says 
he  to  me, — 'cause  why  he  knew  me, — '  Barney,'  says  he, 
'  what  is  it  you're  doing  with  the  colleen  there,  Barney  ? ' 
— Divil  a  word  did  I  say.  Miss  Pauline  screeched,  and 
cried  murther  in  French,  and  ran  oft'  with  herself;  and 
of  course  meself  was  in  a  mighty  hurry  after  the  lady, 
and  had  no  time  to  stop  palavering  with  him  any  way: 
BO  I  dispersed  at  once,   and  the  Ghost  vanished  in  p 


38  TMF,    SPF.CTHE 

Mr.  Maguira's  account  was  received  with  avowed 
incredulity  by  botli  gentlemen  ;  but  Barney  stuck  to  his 
text  with  unliincliing  pertinacity.  A  reference  to  Ma- 
demoiselle was  suggested,  but  abandoned,  as  neither 
party  had  a  taste  for  delicate  investigations. 

"  I'll  tell  you  what,  Seaforth,"  said  Ingoldsby,  after 
T3arney  had  received  his  dismissal,  "  that  there  is  a  trick 
here,  is  evident ;  and  Barney's  vision  may  possibly  be 
a  part  of  it.  Whether  ho  is  most  knave  or  fool,  you 
best  know.  At  all  events,  I  will  sit  up  with  you  t<~'- 
night,  and  see  if  I  can  convert  my  ancestor  into  a  visit- 
ing  acquaintance.      Meanwhile   your   finger   on    your 

lip!" 

***** 

"'Twas  now  the  very  witching  time  of  night, 
When  cimrchyaids  yawu,  and  graves  give  up  their  dead." 

Gladly  would  I  grace  my  tale  with  decent  horror,  and 
therefore  I  do  beseech  the  "  gentle  reader  "  to  believe, 
that  if  all  the  succedatiea  to  this  mysterious  narrative 
are  not  in  strict  keeping,  he  will  ascribe  it  only  to  the 
dlsgi-aceful  innovations  of  modern  degeneracy  upon  the 
sober  and  dignified  habits  of  our  ancestors.  I  can 
introduce  him,  it  is  true,  into  an  old  and  high-roofed 
chamber,  its  walls  covered  on  three  sides  with  black  oak 
wainscotting,  adorned  with  carvings  of  fruit  and  flowers 
long  anterior  to  those  of  Grinling  Gibbons  ;  the  fourth 
side  is  clothed  with  a  curious  remnant  of  dingy  tapestry, 
once  elucidatory  of  some  Scriptural  history,  but  of 
which  not  even  Mrs.  Botherby  could  determine.  Mr. 
Simpkinson,  who  had  examined  it  carefully,  inclined  to 
believe  the  principal  figure  to  bo  either  Bathshcba,  or 
Daniel  in  the  lions'  don  ;  while   Tom  Tno^oldsby  decided 


OF    TAf'lMNGTOX.  39 

m  favour  of  the  King  of  Bcishan.  All,  however,  was 
2onjectiire,  tradition  being  silent  on  the  subject. — A 
lofty  arched  portal  led  into,  and  a  little  arched  portal  led 
out  of,  this  apartment ;  they  were  opposite  each  other, 
and  each  possessed  the  security  of  massy  bolts  on  its 
interior.  The  bedstead,  too,  was  not  one  of  yesterday, 
but  manifestly  coeval  with  days  ere  Seddons  waK,  and 
when  a  good  four-post  "article"  was  deemed  worthy 
of  being  a  royal  bequest.  The  bed  itself,  with  all  the 
appurtenances  of  palliasse,  mattresses,  &c.,  was  of  far 
later  date,  and  looked  most  incongruously  comfortable  ; 
the  casements,  too,  with  their  little  diamond-shaped 
panes  and  iron  binding,  had  gi\'en  way  to  the  modern 
heterodoxy  of  the  sash-window.  Nor  was  this  all  that 
conspired  to  i-uin  the  costume,  and  render  the  room  a 
meet  haunt  for  such  "  mixed  spirits  "  only  as  could  con- 
descend to  don  at  the  same  time  an  Elizabethan  doublet 
and  Bond-street  inexpressibles. 

Witii  their  green  morocco  slippers  on  a  modern 
fender,  m  front  of  a  disgracefully  modern  grate,  sat  two 
young  gentlemen,  clad  in  "  shawl-pattern "  dressing 
gowns  and  black  silk  stocks,  much  at  variance  with  the 
high,  cane-backed  chairs  which  supported  them.  A 
bunch  of  abomination  called  a  cigar,  reeked  in  the  left- 
hand  corner  of  the  mouth  of  one,  and  in  the  right-hand 
corner  of  the  mouth  of  the  other ; — an  arrangement 
happily  adapted  for  the  escape  of  the  noxious  fumes  up 
tlie  chimney,  without  that  unmerciful  "funking"  each 
other,  which  a  less  scientific  disposition  of  the  weed 
would  have  induced.  A  small  pembroke  table  filled  up 
the  intervening  space  between  them,  sustaining,  at  each 
extremity,  an   elbow  and    a   glass   of  toddv  ; — thus  ii} 


40  TTIE    SPECTRE 

"  lonely  pensive  contemplation  "  were  the  two  worthies 
occupied,  when  the  "  iron  tongue  of  midnight  had  tolled 
twelve." 

"  Ghost-time's  come !  "  said  Ingoldsby,  taking  from 
nis  waistcoat  pocket  a  watch  like  a  gold  half-crown,  and 
consulting  it  as  though  he  suspected  the  turret-clock 
over  the  stables  of  mendacity. 

"  Hush  ! "  said  Charles  ;  "  did  I  not  hear  a  footstep  ?  " 

There  was  a  pause  : — there  was  a  footstep — it  sounded 
distinctly — it  reached  the  door — it  hesitated,  stopped, 
and — passed  on. 

Tom  darted  across  the  room,  threw  open  the  door, 
and  became  aware  of  Mrs.  Botherby  toddHng  to  her 
chamber  at  the  other  end  of  the  gallery,  after  dosing 
one  of  the  housemaids  with  an  approved  julep  from  the 
Countess  of  Kent's  "  Choice  Manual." 

"  Good  night,  sir  !  "  said  Mrs.  l^otherby. 

''  Go  to  the  d — 1 !  "  said  the  disappointed  ghost- 
hunter. 

An  hour — two — rolled  on,  and  still  no  spectral  visita- 
tion ;  nor  did  aught  intervene  to  make  night  hideous ; 
and  when  the  turret-clock  sounded  at  length  the  hour 
of  three,  Tngoldsby,  whose  patience  and  grog  were  alike 
exhausted,  sprang  from  his  chair,  saying — 

"  This  is  all  infernal  nonsense,  my  good  fellow.  Deuce 
of  any  ghost  shall  we  see  to-night ;  it's  long  past  the 
canonical  hour.  I'm  off  to  bed ;  and  as  to  your 
breeches,  I'll  insure  them  for  the  next  twenty-four  hours 
at  least,  at  the  price  of  the  buckram." 

"  Certainly. — Oh  !  thank'ee  ; — to  be  sure  !  "  stam- 
mered Charles,  rousing  himself  from  a  rev^erie,  which 
had  deo-enerated  into  an  absolute  snooze. 


OF    TAPI'INGTON.  41 

*'  Good  night,  ray  boy !  Bolt  the  door  behind  me ; 
and  defy  the  Pope,  the  Devil,  and  the  Pretender  ! — " 

Seaforth  followed  his  friend's  advice,  and  the  next 
morning  came  down  to  breakfast  dressed  in  the  habili- 
ments of  the  preceding  day.  The  charm  was  broken, 
the  demon  defeated  ;  the  light  greys  with  the  red  stripe 
down  the  seams  were  yet  in  rerum  naturd,  and  adorned 
the  person  of  their  lawful  proprietor. 

Tom  felicitated  himself  and  his  partner  of  the  watch 
on  the  result  of  their  vigilance ;  but  there  is  a  rustic 
adage,  which  warns  us  against  self-gratulation  before  we 
are  quite  "out  of  the  wood." — Seaforth  was  yet  within 
its  verge. 

^  %  -i:  *  % 

A  rap  at  Tom  Ingoldsby's  door  the  following  morn- 
m<y  startled  him  as  he  was  shavino- : — he  cut  his  chin. 

"  Come  in,  and  be  d — d  to  you  ! "  said  the  martyr, 
pressing  his  thumb  on  the  scarified  epidermis. — The 
door  opened,  and  exhibited  Mr.  Barney  Maguire. 

"  Well,  Barney,  what  is  it  ? "  quoth  the  sufferer, 
adopting  the  vernacular  of  his  visitant. 

"  The  master,  sir " 

''  Well,  what  does  he  want  ?  " 

"  The  loanst  of  a  breeches,  plase  your  honour." 

"  Why,  you  don't  mean  to  tell  me — By  Heaven,  this 
is  too  ffood  !  "  shouted  Tom,  burstino-  into  a  fit  of  uncon- 
trollable  laughter.  "  Why,  Barney,  you  don't  mean  to 
say  the  ghost  has  got  them  again  ? " 

Mr.  Maguire  did  not  respond  to  the  young  squire's 
risibility;  the  cast  of  his  countenance  was  decidedly 
serious. 

"  Faith,  then,  it's  gone  they  are. 


42  THE    SPEOTRE 

meself  been  looking  over  tlie  bed,  and  under  the  bed, 
and  in  the  bed,  for  the  matter  of  that,  and  divil  a 
ha'p'orth  of  breeches  is  there  to  the  fore  at  all  : — I'ln 
bothered  entirely ! " 

"  Hark'ee !  Mr.  Barney,"  said  Tom,  incautiously 
removing  his  thumb,  and  letting-  a  crimson  stream 
"incarnadine  the  multitudinous"  lather  that  plastered 
his  throat, — "  this  may  be  all  very  well  with  your 
master,  but  you  don't  humbug  me,  sir  : — tell  me  in- 
stantly what  have  you  done  with  the  clothes  ?" 

This  abrupt  transition  from  "  lively  to  severe "  cer- 
tainly took  Maguire  by  surprise,  and  he  seemed  for 
an  instant  as  much  disconcerted  as  it  is  possible  to 
disconcert  an  Irish  gentleman's  gentleman. 

"  Me  ?  is  it  meself,  then,  that  's  the  Ghost  to  your 
honour's  thinking  ? "  said  he,  after  a  moment's  pause, 
and  with  a  slight  shade  of  indignation  in  his  tones : 
*'  is  it  I  would  sta^e  the  master's  things, — and  what 
would  I  do  with  them  ? " 

"  That  you  best  know : — what  your  purpose  is  I 
can't  guess,  for  I  don't  think  you  mean  to  'stale' 
them,  as  you  call  it ;  but  that  you  are  concerned  in 
their  disappearance,  I  am  satisfied.  Confound  this 
blood  ! — give  me  a  towel,  Barney." 

Maguire  acquitted  himself  of  the  commission. 
"As  I've  a  sowl,  your  honour,"  said  he  solemnly, 
"  little  it  is  meself  knows  of  the  matter  ;  and  after 
^vhat  I  seen " 

"  What  you've  seen  ?  Why,  what  have  you  seen  ? 
— Barney,  I  don't  want  to  inquire  into  your  flirtations; 
but  don't  suppose  you  can  palm  otf  your  saucer  eyes 
and  gig-lamps  upon  me!" 


OF    TAPPIXGTON.  43 

"  Then,  as  sure  as  your  honour  's  standing  there  I 
saw  liini :  and  why  wouldn't  T,  v/lien  Miss  Pauline  was 
to  the  fore  as  well  as  meself,  and " 

"  Get  along  with  your  nonsense, — leave  the  room, 
sir!" 

"  But  the  master  ?  "  said  Barney,  imploringly  ;  "  and 
without  a  breeches  ? — sure  he'll  be  catching  cowld  ! — " 

"  Take  that,  rascal ! "  replied  Ingoldsby,  throwing 
a  pair  of  pantaloons  at,  rather  than  to,  him ;  "  but 
don't  suppose,  sir,  you  shall  carry  on  your  tricks 
here  with  .impunity  ;  recollect  there  is  such  a  thing 
as  a  treadmill,  and  that  my  ftither  is  a  county  magis- 
trate." 

Barney's  eye  flashed  fire, — he  stood  erect,  and  was 
about  to  speak  ;  but,  mastering  himself,  not  without 
an  effort,  he  took  up  the  gai-ment,  and  left  the  room 
as  perpendicular  as  a  Quaker. 

*  %  %  *  -;? 

"  Ingoldsby,"  said  Charles  Seaforth,  after  breakfast, 
"  this  is  now  past  a  joke  ;  to-day  is  the  last  of  my  stay  ; 
for,  notwithstanding  the  ties  which  detain  me,  common 
decency  obliges  me  to  visit  home  after  so  long  an 
absence.  I  shall  come  to  an  immediate  explanation 
with  your  father  on  the  subject  nearest  my  heart,  and 
depart  vv^hile  I  have  a  change  of  dress  left.  On  his 
answer  will  my  return  depend  I  in  the  meantime  tell 
me  candidly, — I  ask  it  in  all  seriousness,  and  as  a 
friend, — am  I  not  a  dupe  to  3'our  well-known  propen- 
sity to  hoaxing  ?  have  you  not  a  hand  in " 

''  No,  by  Heaven  !  Seaforth  ;  I  see  what  you  mean  : 
on  my  honour,  I  am  as  much  mystified  as  yourself ;  and 
if  your  servant " 


14  THE    Sl'ECTRE 

"  Not  lie  : — if  there  be  a  trick,  he  at  least  is  noi 
privy  to  it." 

"  If  there  he  a  trick  ?  Why,  Charles,  do  you 
think " 

"  I  know  not  what  to  think,  Tom.  As  surely  as  you 
are  a  living  man,  so  surely  did  that  spectral  anatomy 
visit  my  room  again  last  night,  grin  in  my  face,  and 
walk  away  with  my  trousers  ;  nor  was  I  able  to  spring 
from  my  bed,  or  break  the  chain  which  seemed  to  bind 
me  to  my  pillow." 

"Scaforth!"  said  Ingoldsby,  after  a  short  pause, 
"  I  will — but  hush  !  here  are  the  girls  and  my 
father. — I  will  carry  off  the  females,  and  leave  you  a 
clear  field  with  the  Governor  :  carry  your  point  with 
him,  and  we  will  talk  about  your  breeches  after- 
wards." 

Tom's  diversion  was  successful ;  he  carried  off  the 
ladies  en  masse  to  look  at  a  remarkable  specimen  of 
the  class  Dodecandria  Monor/j/ma, — which  they  could 
not  find  ; — while  Seaforth  marched  boldly  up  to  the 
encounter,  and  carried  "  the  Governor's "  outworks 
by  a  coup  de  main.  I  shall  not  stop  to  describe  the 
progress  of  the  attack  ;  suffice  it  that  it  was  as  success- 
ful as  could  have  been  wished,  and  that  Seaforth  was 
referred  back  again  to  the  lady.  The  happy  lover  was 
oft"  at  a  tangent ;  the  botanical  party  was  soon  over- 
taken ;  and  the  arm  of  Caroline,  whom  a  vain  endea- 
vour to  spell  oat  the  Linnaean  name  of  a  dafly-down- 
dilly  had  detained  a  little  in  the  rear  of  the  others,  "-as 
soon  firmly  looked  in  his  own. 

"  What  was  the  world  to  thoni, 
Its  nf)isc,  Its  nmisoiise,  and  its  '  hr'^ntlies'  all  '" 


OF    TAPPINGTON.  4d 

Seaforth  was  in  the  seventh  heaven  ;  he  retirea  to 
hift  room  that  night  as  happy  as  if  no  such  thing  as  a 
goblin  liacl  ever  been  heard  of,  and  personal  chattels 
were  as  well  fenced  in  by  law  as  real  property.  Not 
so  'I'om  Ingoldsby  :  the  mystery — for  mystery  there 
evidently  w^as, — had  not  only  piqued  his  curiosity, 
but  uiffled  his  temper.  The  watch  of  the  previous 
night  had  been  unsuccessful,  probably  because  it  was 
nndis(>aised.  To-night  he  would  "ensconce  himself," 
— not  mdeed  "  behind  the  arras," — for  the  little  that 
remained  w^as,  as  we  have  seen,  nailed  to  the  wall, — 
but  in  n  small  closet  which  opened  from  one  corner 
of  the  loom,  and,  by  leaving  the  door  ajar,  would  give 
to  its  Occupant  a  view  of  all  that  might  pass  in  the 
apartment.  Here  did  the  young  Ghost-hunter  take 
up  a  position,  wnth  a  good  stout  sapling  under  his 
arm,  a  flTil  half-hour  before  Seaforth  retired  for  the 
night.  IVot  even  his  friend  did  he  let  into  his  con- 
fidenco,  fu?iy  determined  that  if  his  plan  did  not 
succeed,  the  failure  should  be  attributed  to  himself 
alone. 

At  the  usual  hour  of  separation  for  the  night,  Tom 
saw,  from  his  concealment,  the  Lieutenant  enter  his 
room,  and,  after  taking  a  few  turns  in  it,  with  an 
expression  so  joyous  as  to  betoken  that  his  thoughts 
were  mainly  occupied  by  his  approaching  happiness, 
_proceed  slowly  to  disrobe  himself.  The  coat,  the 
waistcoat,  the  black  silk  stock,  were  gradually  dis- 
carded;  the  green  morocco  slippers  were  kicked  off, 
and  then — ay,  and  then  —  his  countenance  gi-ew 
grave ;  it  seemed  to  occur  to  him  all  at  once  that  this 
was  his  last  stake,-— nay,  that  the  very  breeches  h^ 


4tj  THE    SPKCT.JK 

had  on  wei'e  not  his   own, — that   to-morrow  mornmo 

was  his  last,  and  that  if  he  lost  tlieui A  gl-ince 

showed  that  his  mind  was  made  up  ;  he  replaced  the 
single  button  he  had  just  subducted,  and  threw  him- 
self upon  the  bed  in  <'i  state  of  transition, — half 
chrysalis,  half-grub. 

Wearily  did  Tom  Ingoldsby  watch  the  sleeper  by  the 
fliclcering  light  of  the  night-lamp,  till  the  clock,  striking 
one,  induced  him  to  increase  the  narrow  opening  which 
he  had  left  for  the  purpose  of  observation.  The  motion, 
slight  as  it  was,  seemed  to  attract  Charles's  attention  ; 
for  he  raised  himself  suddenly  to  a  sitting  posture, 
listened  for  a  moment,  and  then  stood  upright  upon  the 
floor.  Ingoldsby  was  on  the  point  of  discovering  him- 
self, when,  the  light  flashing  full  upon  his  friend's 
countenance,  he  perceived  that,  though  his  eyes  were 
open,  "  their  sense  was  shut," — that  he  w^as  yet  under 
the  influence  of  sleep.  Seaforth  advanced  slowly  to  the 
toilet,  lit  his  candle  at  the  lamp  that  stood  on  it,  then, 
going  back  to  the  bed's  foot,  appeared  to  search  eagerly 
for  something  which  he  could  not  find.  For  a  few  mo- 
ments he  seemed  restless  and  uneasy,  walking  round  the 
apartment  and  examining  the  chairs,  till,  coming  fully 
in  front  of  a  large  swing-glass  that  flanked  the  dressing- 
table,  he  paused,  as  if  contemplating  his  figure  in  it. 
He  now  returned  towards  the  bed  ;  put  on  his  slippers, 
and,  with  cautious  and  stealthy  steps,  proceeded  towai'ds 
the  little  arched  doorway  that  opened  on  the  private 
staircase. 

As  he  drew  the  l)olt,  Tom  Ingoldsby  emerged  from 
his  hiding-place;  but  the  sleep-walker  heard  him  not; 
he  proceeded  softly  down  stairs,  followed  at  a  due  di? 


OF    TAPPING  TON.  4  7 

tauce  by  Lis  friend;  opened  the  door  which  led  out 
upon  the  gardens ;  and  stood  at  once  among  the  thick- 
est of  tlie  shrubs,  which  there  clustered  round  the  base 
of  a  corner  turret,  and  screened  the  postern  from  com- 
mon observation.  At  this  moment  Ingoldsby  had  nearly 
spoiled  all  by  making  a  false  «tep  :  the  sound  attracted 
Seaforth's  attention, — he  paused  and  turned ;  and,  as 
the  full  moon  shed  her  light  directly  upon  his  pale  and 
troubled  features,  Tom  marked,  almost  with  dismay,  the 
fixed  and  rayless  appearance  of  his  eyes : — 

"There  was  no  speculalion  in  those  orbs 
That  he  did  glare  withal." 

The  perfect  stillness  preserved  by  his  follower  seemed  to 
reassure  him;  he  turned  aside;  and  from  the  midst  of 
a  thickset  laurustinus,  di'ew  forth  a  gardener's  spade, 
shouldering  which  he  proceeded  with  greater  rapidity 
into  the  midst  of  tlie  shrubbery.  Arrived  at  a  certain 
point  where  tl  e  earth  seemed  to  have  been  recently  dis- 
turbed, he  set  himself  heartily  to  the  task  of  digging, 
till,  having  thrown  up  sevei-al  shovelfuls  of  mould,  he 
stopped,  flung  down  his  tool,  and  very  composedly  began 
to  disencumber  himself  of  his  pantaloons. 

Up  to  this  moment  Tom  had  watched  him  with  a 
wary  eye ;  he  now  advanced  cautiously,  and,  as  his 
friend  was  busily  engaged  in  disentangling  himself  from 
his  garment,  made  himself  master  of  the  spade.  Sea- 
forth,  meanwhile,  had  accomplished  his  purpose:  ha 
stood  for  a  moment  with 

"  His  streamers  waving  in  the  wind," 

occupied  in  carefully  rolling  up  the  small-clothes  into  a:- 


48  THE    SPECTRE 

compact  a  form  as  possible,  and  all  heedless  of  the 
breath  of  heaven,  which  might  certainly  be  supposed, 
at  siivh  a  moment,  and  in  such  a  plight,  to  "  visit  his 
frame  too  roughly." 

— He  was  in  the  act  of  stooping  low  to  deposit  the 
pantaloons  in  the  grave  which  he  had  been  digging  for 
them,  wdien  Tom  Ingoldsby  came  close  behind  him,  and 
with  the  flat  side  of  the  spade 


The  shock  was  etlectual ; — never  again  was  Lieu- 
tenant Seaforth  known  to  act  the  part  of  a  somnam- 
bulist. One  by  one,  his  breeches, — his  trousers, — his 
pantaloons, — his  silk-net  tights, — his  patent  cords, — his 
showy  greys  with  tiie  broad  red  stripe  of  the  Bombay 
Fencibles,  were  brought  to  light, — rescued  from  the 
gi'ave  in  which  they  had  been  buried  like  the  strata  of 
a  Christmas  pie ;  and,  after  having  been  well  aired  by 
Mrs.  Botherby,  became  once  again  &ft"ective. 

The  family,  the  ladies  especially,  i  'ughed ; — the 
Peterses  laughed  ; — the  Simpkinsons  laughed  ; — Barney 
Maguire  cried  "  Botheration  !  "  and  Mahnselle  Pauline, 
''Mon  Dleuf' 

Charles  Seaforth,  unable  to  face  the  quizzing  which 
awaited  him  on  all  sides,  started  off  two  hours  earlier 
than  he  had  proposed  : — he  soon  returned,  however 
and  having,  at  his  father-in-law's  request,  given  up  the 
occupation  of  Rajah-hunting  and  shooting  nabobs,  led 
his  blushing  bride  to  the  altar. 

Mr.  Sirapkinson  from  Bath  did  not  attend  the  cere- 
mony, being  engaged  at  the  Grand  Junction  Meeting  of 
Scavans,  then  congregating  from  all  parts  of  the  known 
world  in  tlie  city  of  Dublin.     His  essay,  deuivmstrating 


OF    TAPPINGTOX.  49 

that  the  globe  is  a  great  custard,  whipped  into  coagula- 
tion b}^  whirlwinds,  and  cooked  by  electricity, — a  little 
too  much  baked  in  the  Isle  of  Portland,  and  a  thought 
underdone  about  the  Bog  of  Allan, — was  highly  spoken 
of,  and  narrowly  escaped  obtaining  a  Bridgewater 
piize. 

Miss  Simpkinson  and  her  sister  acted  as  brides- 
maids on  the  occasion ;  the  former  wrote  an  epithala- 
mium,  and  the  latter  cried  "  Lassy  me  ! "  at  the  clei'gy- 
man's  wig.  Some  years  have  since  rolled  on ;  the 
union  has  been  crowned  with  two  or  three  tidy  little  off- 
shoots from  the  family  tree,  of  whom  Master  Neddy  is 
"  grand-papa's  darling,"  and  Mary-Anne  mamma's  par- 
ticular "  Sock."  I  shall  only  add,  that  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Seaforth  are  living  together  quite  as  happily  as  two 
good-hearted,  good-tempered  bodies,  very  fond  of  each 
other,  can  possibly  do :  and  that,  since  the  day  of  his 
marriage,  Charles  has  shown  no  disposition  to  jump  out 
of  bed,  or  ramble  out  of  doors  o'  nights, — though,  from 
liis  entire  devotion  to  every  wish  and  whim  of  his  young 
wife,  Tom  insinuates  that  the  fair  Caroline  does  still 
occasionally  take  advantage  of  it  so  far  as  to  "  slip  on 
the  Breeches." 


It  was  not  till  some  years  after  the  events  just  recorded, 
that  Miss  Mary-Anne,  the  "  Pet  Sock  "  before  alluded 
to,  was  made  acquainted  with  the  following  piece  of 
family  biography.  It  was  communicated  to  her  in  strict 
confidence  by  Nurse  Botherby,  a  maiden  niece  of  the 
old  lady's,  then  recently  promoted  from  the  ranks  in  the 

FIRST    SERIES.  3 


50  THE  SPECTRE  OF  TAFPINGTON. 

still-room  to  be  second  in  command  in  the  Nursery 
department. 

The  story  is  connected  with  a  dingy  wizen-faced  por 
trait  in  an  oval  frame,  generally  known  by  the  name  of 
"  Uncle  Stephen,"  though  from  the  style  of  his  cut-velvet, 
it  is  evident  that  some  generations  must  have  passed 
away  since  any  living  being  could  have  is'z/o.i  t>«warda 
him  in  that  degree  of  consanguinity. 


I 

I 


THE    NURSE'S    STORY. 


THE  HAND  OF  GLORY. 

"Mnlefica  qusedam  auguriatrix  in  Anglia  fuit,  quani  demones  horribihtet 
ostraxeiua*:,  et  imponentes  super  equuin  lerribilem,  per  aera  rapueruiit , 
Clamoresque  terribiles  (ut  ferunt)  per  quatuor  ferme  miliaria  audiebaiitur." 

Nurenib.  Chron 

On  the  lone  bleak  moor, 

At  the  midnight  hour, 
Beneath  the  Gallows  Tree, 

Hand  in  hand 

The  Murderers  stand 
By  one,  by  two,  by  three! 

And  the  Moon  tliat  night 

With  a  grey,  cold  light 
Each  baleful  object  tips; 

One  half  of  her  form 

Is  seen  through  the  storm, 
The  other  half's  hid  in  Eclipse. 

And  the  cold  Wind  howls. 

And  the  Thunder  growls, 
And  the  Lightning  is  broad  and  bright; . 

And  altogether 

It 's  very  bad  weather. 
And  an  unpleasant  sort  of  a  night  I 

"  Now  mount  who  list. 

And  close  by  the  wrist 
Sever  me  quickly  the  Dead  Man's  fist!— 


52  THE    NURSES    STORY. 

Now  climb  who  dare 

AVhere  he  swings  in  air, 
And  pluck  me  five  locks  of  the  Dead  Man's  hair  I " 
*  *  *  *  *  * 

There's  an  old  woman  dwells  upon  Tappington  Moor, 
She  hath  years  on  her  back  at  the  least  fourscore, 
And  some  people  fancy  a  great  many  more 

ller  nose  it  is  hook'd, 

Her  back  it  is  crook'd, 

Her  eyes  blear  and  red  : 

On  the  top  of  her  head 

Is  a  mutch,  and  on  that 

A  shocking  bad  hat. 
Extinguisher-shaped,  the  brim  narrow  and  flat ! 
Then, — My  Gracious ! — her  beard ! — it  would  sadly  perplex 
A  spectator  at  first  to  distinguish  her  sex  ; 
Nor,  I  '11  venture  to  say,  without  scrutiny  could  he 
Pronounce  her,  off-handed,  a  Punch  or  a  Judy. 
Did  you  see  her,  in  short,  that  mud-hovel  within, 
"With  her  knees  to  her  nose,  and  her  nose  to  her  chin. 
Leering  up  with  that  queer,  indescribable  grin, 
You'd  lift  up  your  hands  in  amazement,  and  cry, 
" — Well ! — I  never  did  see  such  a  regular  Guy  1  " 

And  now  before 

That  old  "Woman's  door, 
Where  naught  that's  good  may  be,   . 

Hand  in  hand 

The  Murderers  stand 
By  one,  by  two,  by  three  I 
Oh !  'tis  a  horrible  sight  to  view, 
In  that  horrible  hovel,  that  horrible  crew. 
By  the  pale  blue  glare  of  that  flickering  flame, 
Doing  the  deed  that  hath  never  a  name! 

'Tis  awful  to  hear 

Those  words  of  fear  I 
The  pray'r  mutter'd  backwards,  and  said  with  a  sneer  1 
(Matthew  Hopkins  himself  has  assured  us  that  when 
A  witch  says  her  privy'rs,  she  begins  with  "  Amen.**) — 


THE    HAiND    OF    (rLOi'lY.  63 

— ^"Tis  awful  to  see 

On  that  Old  Woman's  knee 
Tlie  dead,  shrivell'd  Land,  as  she  clasps  it  with  glee ! 

And  now,  with  care, 

The  five  locks  of  hair 
From  the  skull  of  the  Gentleman  dangling  up  there, 

With  the  grease  and  the  fat 

Of  a  black  Tom  Cat 

6he  hastens  to  mix, 

And  to  twist  into  wicks, 
And  one  on  the  thumb,  and  each  finger  to  fix. — 
(For  another  receipt  the  same  charm  to  prepare, 
Consult  Mr.  Ainsworth  and  Petit  Albert.) 

"  Now  open  lock 

To  the  Dead  Man's  knock  I 
Fly  bolt,  and  bar,  and  band  1 — 

Nor  move,  nor  swerve 

Joint,  muscle,  or  nerve, 
At  the  spell  of  the  Dead  Man's  hand  1 
Sleep  all  who  sleep ! — Wake  all  who  wake ! — 
And  be  as  the  Dead  fof  the  Dead  Man's  sake ! !  " 

****** 
\11  is  silent  1  all  is  still, 
Save  the  ceaseless  moan  of  the  bubbling  rill 
As  it  wells  from  the  bosom  of  Tappington  Hill ; 

And  in  Tappington  Hall 

Great  and  Small, 
Gentle  and  Simple,  Squire  and  Groom, 
Each  one  hath  sought  his  separate  room, 
And  sleep  her  dark  mantle  hath  o'er  them  cast, 
For  the  midnight  hour  hath  long  been  past ! 

All  is  darksome  in  earth  and  sky, 

Save,  from  yon  casement,  narrow  and  high, 

A  quivering  beam 

On  the  tiny  stream 
Plays,  like  some  taper's  fitful  gleam 
By  one  that  is  watching  wearily. 


54 

Within  that  casement,  naiTow  and  high, 
In  his  secret  lair,  where  none  may  spy, 
Sits  one  whose  brow  is  wrinkled  with  care, 
And  the  thin  grey  locks  of  his  failing  hair 
Have  left  his  little  bald  pate  all  bare  ; 

For  his  full-bottom'd  wig 

Hangs,  bushy  and  big, 
On  the  top  of  his  old-fashion'd,  high-back'd  chair. 

Unbraced  are  his  clothes, 

Ungarter'd  his  hose, 
His  gown  is  bedizened  with  tulip  and  rose, 
Flowers  of  remarkable  size  and  hue. 
Flowers  such  as  Eden  never  knew ; 
— And  there,  by  many  a  sparkling  heap 

Of  the  good  red  gold, 

The  tale  is  told 
What  powerful  spell  avails  to  keep 
That  care-worn  man  from  his  needful  sleep ! 
Haply,  he  deems  no  eye  can  see 
As  he  gloats  on  his  treasure  greedily, — 

Tlie  shining  store 

Of  glittering  ore, 
Tlie  fair  Rose-lS'oble,  the  bright  Moidore, 
And  the  broad  Double  Joe  from  ayont  the  sea,— 
But  there's  one  that  watches  as  well  as  he ; 

For,  wakeful  and  sly, 

In  a  closet  hard  by, 
On  his  tnickle-bed  lieth  a  little  Foot-page, 
A  boy  who's  uncommonly  sharp  of  his  age, 

Like  young  Master  Horner,  . 

Who  erst  in  a  corner 
Sat  eating  his  Christmas  pie : 
And,  while  that  Old  Gentleman's  counting  liis  hoardfl^ 
Little  Hugh  peeps  through  a  crack  in  tlie  boards! 
***** 

There's  a  voice  in  the  air. 

There's  a  step  on  the  stair, 
The  old  man  starts  in  his  cane-back'd  chaii*; 


THE    HAND    OF    GLORY.  5/} 

At  the  first  faint  sound 

He  gazes  around, 
And  holds  up  his  dip  of  sixteen  to  the  pound. 

Then  half  arose 

From  beside  his  toes 
His  little  pug-dog  with  his  little  pug  nose, 
But,  ere  he  can  vent  one  inquisitive  sniflf, 
That  little  pug-dog  stands  stark  and  stiff, 

For  low,  yet  clear, 

Now  fall  on  the  ear, 
— Where  once  pronounced  for  ever  thej  dwell,— 
The  unholy  words  of  the  Dead  Man's  spell  1 

"Open  lock 

To  the  Dead  Man's  knock ! 
Fly  bolt,  and  bar,  and  band  I 

Nor  move,  nor  swerve 

Joint,  muscle,  or  nerve. 
At  the  spell  of  the  Dead  Man's  hand  I 
Sleep  all  who  sleep ! — Wake  all  who  wake ! — 
But  be  as  the  Dead  for  the  Dead  Man's  sake ! !  " 

Now  lock,  nor  bolt,  nor  bar  avails, 

Nor  stout  oak  panel  thick-studded  with  nails. 

Heavy  and  harsh  the  hinges  creak. 

Though  they  had  been  oil'd  in  the  course  of  the  week ; 

The  door  opens  w;ide  as  wide  may  be. 

And  there  they  stand, 

That  murderous  band. 
Let  by  the  light  of  that  Glorious  Hand, 

By  one ! — by  two  I — ^by  three  ! 

They  have  pasp'd  through  the  porch,  they  have  pass'    thiv-x^rh 

the  hall. 
Where  the  Porter  sat  snoring  against  the  wall ; 

The  very  snore  froze 

In  his  veiy  snub  nose. 
You'd  have  verily  deem'd  he  had  snored  his  last 
When  the  Glorious  Hand  by  the  side  of  him  past  I 


56  THE  nurse's  storv. 

E'en  the  little  wee  mouse,  as  it  ran  o'er  the  mat 
At  the  top  of  its  speed  to  escape  from  the  cat, 

Though  half  dead  with  affright. 

Paused  in  its  flight; 
And  the  cat,  that  was  chasing  that  little  wee  thing, 
Lay  crouch'd  as  a  statue  in  act  to  spring ! 

And  now  they  are  there, 

On  the  head  of  the  stair, 
And  the  long  crooked  whittle  is  gleaming  and  bare  1 
— I  really  don't  think  any  money  would  bribe 
Me  the  horrible  scene  that  ensued  to  describe, 
Or  the  wild,  wild  glare 

Of  that  old  man's  eye, 
His  dumb  despair, 

And  deep  agony. 

The  kid  from  the  pen,  and  the  lamb  from  the  fohi, 
Unmoved  may  the  blade  of  the  butcher  behold ; 
They  dream  not — ah,  happier  they ! — that  the  knife. 
Though  uplifted,  can  menace  their  innocent  life ; 
It  falls ; — the  frail  thread  of  their  being  is  riven, 
They  dread  not,  suspect  not,  the  blow  till  'tis  given. — 
But,  oh  1  what  a  thing  'tis  to  see  and  to  know 
That  the  bare  knife  is  raised  in  the  hand  of  the  foe, 
Without  hope  to  repel,  or  to  ward  off  the  blow  I — 
— ^Enough ! — ^let's  pass  over  as  fast  as  we  can 
The  fate  of  that  grey,  that  unhappy  old  man ! 

But  fancy  poor  Hugh, 

Aghast  at  the  view. 
Powerless  alike  to  speak  or  to  do ! 

In  vain  doth  he  try 
'  To  open  the  eye 

That  is  shut,  or  close  that  which  is  clapt  to  the  chink, 
Though  he'd  give  all  the  world  to  be  able  to  wink  I— 
No ! — for  all  that  this  world  can  give  or  refuse, 
I  would  not  be  now  in  that  little  boy's  shoes. 
Or  indeed  any  garment  at  all  that  is  Hugh's  I 


a 


THE    HAND    OF    GLORY.  5*? 

— 'Tis  lucky  for  liim  that  the  ehiok  ia  the  wall 
He  has  peep'd  through  so  long,  is  so  narrow  and  small ! 
Wailing  voices,  sounds  of  woe. 

Such  as  follow  departing  friends, 
Tliat  fatal  night  round  Tappington  go. 

Its  long-drawn  roofs  and  its  gable  ends : 
Ethereal  Spirits,  gentle  and  good. 
Aye  weep  and  lament  o'er  a  deed  of  blood  I 
*  *  *  *  * 

Tis  early  dawn — the  morn  is  grey, 
And  the  clouds  and  the  tempest  have  pass'd  away, 
And  all  things  betoken  a  very  fine  day ; 
But,  while  the  lark  her  carol  is  singing. 
Shrieks  and  screams  are  through  Tappington  ringing  1 
Upstarting  all. 
Great  and  small, 
Each  one  who's  found  within  Tappington  Hall, 
Gentle  and  Simple,  Squire  or  Groom, 
All  seek  at  once  that  old  Gentleman's  room ; 
And  there,  on  the  floor, 
Dronch'd  in  its  gore, 
A  ghastly  corpse  lies  exposed  to  the  view, 
Carotid  and  jugular  both  cut  through  I 
And  there,  by  its  side, 
'Mid  the  crimson  tide. 
Kneels  a  little  Foot-page  of  tenderest  years ; 
Adown  his  pale  cheek  the  fast-falling  tears 
Are  coursing  each  other  round  and  big. 
And  he's  staunching  the  blood  with  a  fuU-bottom'd  wig 
Alas !  and  alack  for  his  staunching ! — 'tis  plain. 
As  anatomists  tell  us,  that  never  again 
Shall  life  revisit  the  foully  slain. 
When  once  they've  been  cut  through  the  jugular  vein. 

There's  a  hue  -and  a  cry  through  the  County  of  Kent, 
And  in  chase  of  the  cut-throats  a  Constable's  sent, 
But  no  one  can  tell  the  man  which  way  they  went 
3* 


58  THE    NURSE  S    STORY. 

There's  a  little  Foot-pfige  with  that  Constable  goes, 
And  a  little  pug-dog  with  a  little  pug-nose. 

***** 

In  Rochester  town 

At  the  sign  of  the  Crown, 
Three  '^liaLby-genteel  men  are  just  sitting  down 
To  a  fat  stubble-goose,  with  potatoes  down  brown ; 

When  a  little  Foot-page 

Rushes  in,  in  a  rage, 
Upsetting  the  apple-sauce,  onions,  and  sage. 
That  little  Foot-page  takes  the  first  by  the  throat, 
And  a  little  pug-dog  takes  the  next  by  the  coat, 
And  a  Constable  seizes  the  one  more  remote  ; 
And  fair  rose-nobles  and  broad  raoidores. 
The  Waiter  pulls  out  of  their  pockets  by  scores. 
And  the  Boots  and  the  Chambermaids  run  in  and  stare; 
And  the  Constable  says,  with  a  dignified  air, 
"You're  vianted,  Gen'lemen,  one  and  all. 
For  that  'ere  precious  lark  at  Tappington  Hall  1" 

There's  a  black  gibbet  frowns  upon  Tappington  Moor, 
WTiere  a  former  black  gibbet  has  frown'd  before  ; 
It  is  as  black  as  black  may  be, 
And  murderers  there 
Are  dangling  in  air, 
By  one  ! — by  two  ! — by  three ! 

There's  a  horrid  old  hag  in  a  steeple-crown'd  hat. 

Round  her  neck  they  have  tied  to  a  hempen  cravat 

A  Dead  Man's  hand,  and  a  dead  Tom  Cat  I 

They  have  tied  up  her  thumbs,  they  have  tied  up  her  toes. 

They  have  tied  up  her  eyes,  they  have  tied  up  her  limbs ! 
Into  Tappington  mill-dam  souse  she  goes 

With  a  whoop  and  a  halloo ! — "  She  swims ! — She  swims !" 
They  have  dragg'd  her  to  land, 
And  every  one's  hand. 

Is  grasping  a  faggot,  a  billet,  or  brand. 


THE    HAND    OF    GLORY.  59 

When  u  queer-looking  horseman,  drest  all  in  black, 
Snatches  up  that  old  harridan  just  like  a  sack 
To  the  crupper  behind  him,  puts  spurs  to  his  hack, 
Makes  a  dash  through  the  crowd,  and  is  off  in  a  crack  !— 

No  one  can  tell, 

Though  they  guess  pretty  well, 
Which  way  that  grim  rider  and  old  woman  go, 
For  all  see  he's  a  sort  of  infernal  Ducrow ; 

And  she  scream'd  so,  and  cried, 

We  may  fairly  decide 
That  the  old  woman  did  not  much  relish  her  ride ! 

ItlORAL. 

Tliis  truest  of  stories  confirms  beyond  doubt 
That  truest  of  adages — "  Murder  will  out !" 
In  vain  may  the  blood-spiller  "double"  and  fly, 
In  vain  even  witchcraft  and  sorcery  try :        * 
Although  for  a  time  he  may  'scape,  by-and-by 
He'll  be  sure  to  be  caught  by  a  Hugh  and  a  Cry  , 


One  marvel  follows  anotlier  as  naturally  as  one 
"  shoulder  of  mutton  "  is  said  "  to  drive  anotlier  down." 
A  little  Welsh  girl,  who  sometimes  makes  her  way  from 
the  kitchen  into  the  nursery,  after  listening  with  intense 
interest  to  tliis  tale,  immediately  started  off  at  score  with 
the  sum  and  substance  of  what,  in  due  reverence  foi 
such  authority,  I  shall  call — 


VATTY  MORGAN  THE  MILKMAID'S  STORY 


**LOOK  AT  THE  CLOCKr 

FYTTB  L 

•*  Look  at  the  Clock !"  quoth  Winifred  Pryce, 

As  she  opea'd  the  door  to  her  husband's  knock, 
Then  paus'd  to  give  him  a  piece  of  advice, 
"You  nasty  Warmint,  look  at  the  Clock! 

Is  this  the  way,  you 

"Wretch,  every  day  you 
Treat  her  who  vow'd  to  love  and  obey  you  ? — 

Out  all  night ! 

Me  in  a  fright ; 
Staggering  home  as  it's  just  getting  light ! 
You  intoxified  brute ! — you  insensible  block ! — 
Look  at  the  Clock !— Do !— Look  at  the  Clock  I" 

Winifred  Pryce  was  tidy  and  clean, 
Her  gown  was  a  flower'd  one,  her  petticoat  green. 
Her  buckles  were  bright  as  her  milking  cans, 
And  her  hat  was  a  beaver,  and  made  like  a  man's ; 
Her  little  red  eyes  were  deep  set  in  their  socket-holes, 
Her  gown-tail  was  turn'd  up,  and  tucked  through  the  pocket 
holes ; 

A  face  like  a  ferret 

Betoken'd  her  spirit : 
To  conclude,  Mrs.  Prj^ce  was  not  over  young, 
Had  very  short  legs,  and  a  very  long  tongue. 


62  PATTY    MORGAN    THE    MILKMAID's    STOIir. 

Now  David  Pryce 

Had  one  darling  vice; 
Remarkably  partial  to  anything  nice, 
Nought  that' was  good  to  him  came  amiss, 
Whether  to  eat,  or  to  drink,  or  to  kiss  I 

Especially  ale— 

If  it  was  not  too  staie 
I  really  believe  he'd  have  emptied  a  pail ; 

Not  that  in  Wales 

They  talk  of  their  Ales ; 
To  pronounce  the  word  they  make  use  ot  ii^ght  troxible  you. 
Being  spelt  with  a  C,  two  lis,  and  a  W, 

That  particular  day, 

As  I've  heard  people  say, 
Mr.  David  Pryce  had  been  soaking  his  clay. 
And  amusing  himself  with  his  pipe  and  cheroots, 
The  whole  afternoon  at  the  Goat-in-Boots, 

With  a  couple  more  soakers, 

Thoroughbred  smokers, 
Both,  like  himself,  prime  singers  and  jokers ; 
And,  long  after  day  had  drawn  to  a  close, 
And  the  rest  of  the  world  was  wrapp'd  in  repose, 
They  were  roaring  out  "Shenkinl"  and  "Ar  hyddynos;" 
While  David  himself,  to  a  Sassenach  tune, 
Sang,  "We've  drunk  down  the  Sun,  boysl  let's  drink  down  the 
Moon ! 

What  have  we  with  day  to  do? 

Mrs.  Winifred  Pryce,  'twas  made  for  you  1" — 
At  length,  when  they  couldn't  well  drink  any  more, 
Old  "Goat-in-Boots"  showed  them  the  door: 

And  then  came  that  knock. 

And  the  sensible  shock 
David  felt  when  his  wife  cried,  "Look  at  the  Clock  1" 
For  the  hands  stood  as  crooked  as  crooked  might  be, 
The  long  at  the  Twelve,  and  the  short  at  the  Three! 
That  self-same  clock  had  long  been  a  bone 
Of  contention  between  this  Darby  and  Joan  ; 


"  LOOK    AT    THE    CLOCK."  63 

And  often,  among  their  pother  and  rout, 
When  this  otherwise  amiable  couple  fell  out, 

Pryce  would  drop  a  cool  hint 

With  an  ominous  squint 
At  its  case,  of  an  "  Uncle  "  of  his,  who  'd  a  "Spout.** 

Tliat  horrid  word  "Spout" 

No  sooner  came  out, 
Than  "Winifred  Pryce  would  turn  her  about, 

And  with  scorn  on  her  lip, 

And  a  hand  on  each  hip, 
"  Spout "  herself  till  her  nose  grew  red  at  the  tip, 

"You  thundering  Willin, 

I  know  you'd  be  killing 
Your  wife — ay,  a  dozen  of"  wives, —^f or  a  shilling  I 

You  may  do  what  you  please, 

You  may  sell  my  chemise, 
(Mrs.  P.  was  too  well  bred  to  mention  her  stock,) 
But  I  never  will  part  with  my  Grandmother's  Clock  I  " 

Mrs.  Pryce's  tongue  ran  long  and  ran  fast ; 

But  patience  is  apt  to  wear  out  at  last. 

And  David  Pryce  in  temper  w^as  quick. 

So  he  stretch'd  out  his  hand,  and  caught  hold  of  a  stick 

Perhaps  in  its  use  he  might  mean  to  be  lenient, 

But  walking  just  then  wasn't  very  convenient, 

So  he  threw  it,  instead. 

Direct  at  her  head  ; 

It  knock'd  off  her  hat ; 

Down  she  fell  flat; 
Her  case,  perhaps,  was  not  much  mended  by  that: 
But  whatever  it  was, — whether  rage  and  pain 
Produced  apoplexy,  or  burst  a  vein, 
Or  her  tumble  induced  a  concussion  of  brain, 
I  can't  say  for  certain, — but  this  I  can, 
When,  sober'd  by  fright,  to  assist  her  ho  ran, 
Mrs.  Winifred  Pryce  was  as  dead  as  Queen  Anne 


64  PATTY    MORGAN    TH^    AlILKMAID  S    STORY. 

The  fearful  catastrophe 

Named  in  my  last  strophe 
As  adding  to  grim  Death's  exploits  such  a  vast  trophy, 
Made  a  great  noise  ;  and  the  shocking  fatality 
Ran  over,  like  wild-fire,  the  whole  Principality. 
And  tlien  came  Mr.  Ap  Thomas,  the  Coroner, 
With  his  jury  to  sit,  some  dozen  or  more,  on  her. 

Mr.  Pryce  to  commence 

His  "  ingenious  defence," 
Made  a  "powerful  appeal  "  to  the  jury's  "  good  sense," 

"The  world  he  must  defy 

Even  to  justify 
Any  presumption  of  'Malice  Prepense  ;'  " — 

The  unlucky  lick     - 

From  the  end  of  his  stick 
He  "  deplored," — he  was  "  apt  to  be  rather  too  quick ;" — 

But,  really,  her  prating 

Was  so  aggravating : 
Some  trifling  correction  was  just  what  he  meant ; — all 
The  rest,  he  assured  them,  was  "  quite  accidental  1  " 

Then  he  calls  Mr.  Jones, 

Who  depones  to  her  tones. 
And  her  gestures,  and  hints  about  "  breaking  his  bones." 
While  Mr.  Ap  Morgan  and  Mr.  Ap  Rhys 

Declared  the  Deceased 

Had  styled  him  "  a  Beast," 
And  swear  they  had  witness'd,  with  grief  and  surprise, 
The  allusions  she  made  to  his  limbs  and  his  eyes. 

The  jnry,  in  fine,  having  sat  on  the  body 

The  whole  day,  discussing  the  case,  and  gin  toddy, 

Return'd  about  half-past  eleven  at  night 

The  following  verdict,  "  We  find,  Sarve  her  right  !  " 

Mr.  Pryce,  Mrs.  Winifred  Pryce  being  dead. 
Felt  lonely,  and  moped  ;  and  one  evening  he  said 
He  would  marry  Miss  Davis  at  once  in  her  stead. 


"  LOOK    AT    THE    CLOCK.'' 

Not  far  from  his  dwelling. 

From  the  vale  proudly  swelling, 
Rose  a  mountain  ;  its  name  you'll  excuse  me  from  telling; 
For  the  vowels  made  use  of  in  Welsh  are  so  few 
That  the  A  and  the  E,  the  I,  0,  and  the  U, 
Have  really  but  little  or  nothing  to  do  ; 
And  the  duty,  of  course,  falls  the  heavier  by  far 
On  the  L,  and  the  II,  and  the  N,  and  the  R. 

Its  first  syllable  "  Pen," 

Is  pronounceable  ; — then 
Come  two  L  Ls,  and  two  II  Hs,  two  F  Fs,  and  an  N" ; 
About  half  a  score  lis,  and  some  Ws  follow, 
Beating  all  my  best  efforts  at  euphony  holl')w : 
But  we  shan't  have  to  mention  it  often,  so  when 
We  do,  with  your  leave,  we'll  curtail  it  to  "  Pkn." 

Well — the  moon  shone  bright 

Upon  "Fen"  that  night. 
When  Pryce,  being  quit  of  his  fuss  and  his  fright. 

Was  scaling  its  side 

With  that  sort  of  a  stride 
A  man  puts  on  when  walking  in  search  of  a  bride, 

Mounting  higher  and  higher, 

He  began  to  perspire, 
Till,  finding  his  legs  were  beginning  to  tire. 

And  feeling  opprest 

By  a  pain  in  his  chest, 
He  paus'd,  and  turn'd  round  to  take  breatli,  and  to  rest ; 
A  walk  all  up  hill  is  apt,  we  know. 
To  make  one,  however  robust,  puff  and  blow, 
So  he  stopp'd  and  look'd  down  on  the  valley  below. 

O'er  fell,  and  o'er  fen. 

Over  mountain  and  glen. 
All  bright  in  the  moonshine,  his  eye  roved,  and  then 
All  the  Patriot  rose  in  his  soul,  and  he  thought 
Vpon  Wales,  and  her  glories,  and  all  he  'd  been  taught 


66  PATTY    MORGAN    THE    MILKMAID'S    STORY. 

Of  her  Heroes  of  old, 

So  brave  and  so  bold, — 
Of  her  Bards  with  long  beards,  and  harps  mounted  in  gold 

Of  King  Edward  the  First, 

Of  memory  accurst ; 
And  the  scandalous  manner  in  which  he  behaved, 

Killing  Poets  by  dozens, 

With  their  uncles  and  cousins, 
Of  whom  not  one  in  fifty  had  ever  been  shaved. — 
Of  the  Court  Ball,  at  which  by  a  lucky  mishap, 
Owen  Tudor  fell  into  Queen  Katherine's  lap ; 

And  how  Mr.  Tudor 

Successfully  woo'd  her. 
Till  the  Dowager  put  on  a  new  wedding  ring. 
And  so  made  him  Father-in  law  to  the  King. 


He  thought  upon  Arthur,  and  Merlin  of  yore, 

On  Gry filth  ap  Conan,  and  Owen  Glendour ; 

On  Pendragon,  and  Heaven  knows  how  many  more. 

He  thought  of  all  this,  as  he  gazed,  in  a  trice. 

And  on  all  things,  in  short,  but  the  late  Mrs.  Pryee ; 

When  a  lumbering  noise  from  behind  made  him  starts 

And  sent  the  blood  back  in  full  tide  to  his  heart 

Which  went  pit-a-pat 

As  he  cried  out  "  What's  that  ?" 

That  very  queer  sound  ? 

Does  it  come  from  the  ground  ? 
Or  the  air, — from  above, — or  below, — or  around  ? — 

It  is  not  like  Talking, 

It  is  not  like  Walking, 
It 's  not  like  the  clattering  of  pot  or  of  pan. 
Or  the  tramp  of  a  horse, — or  the  tread  of  a  man, — 
Or  the  hum  of  a  crowd, — or  the  shouting  of  boys, — 
It 's  really  a  deuced  odd  sort  of  noise ! 
Not  unlike  a  cart's, — ^but  that  can't  be  ;  for  when 
Could  "  all  the  King's  horses  and  all  the  King's  men," 
With  Old  Nick  for  a  waggoner,  drive  one  up  "  Pen  ?" 


"look    at    Tiii.    CLOCK."  67 

F*rjce,  usually  brimful  of  Vcalour  when  drunk, 

Now  experienced  what  schoolboys  denominate  "fank," 

In  vain  he  look'd  back 

On  the  whole  of  the  track 
He  had  traversed  ;  a  thick  cloud,  uncommonly  black, 
At  this  moment  obscured  the  broad  disc  of  the  moon, 
And  did  not  seem  likely  to  pass  away  soon  ; 

While  clearer  and  clearer, 

Twas  plain  to  the  hearer, 
Be  the  noise  what  it  might,  it  drew  nearer  and  nearer, 
And  sounded,  as  Pryce  to  this  moment  declares, 
Very  much  "like  a  Coffin  a-walking  up  stairs." 

Mr.  Pryce  had  begun 

To  "  make  up"  for  a  run. 
As  in  such  a  companion  he  saw  no  great  fun, 

Wlien  a  single  bright  ray 

Shone  out  on  the  way 
He  had  passed,  and  he  saw,  with  no  little  dismay, 
Coming  after  him,  bounding  o'er  crag  and  o'er  rock, 
The  deceased  Mrs.  Winifred's  "  Grandmother's  Clock !  V* 
*Twas  so ! — it  had  certainly  moved  from  its  place, 
And  come,  lumbering  on  thus,  to  bold  hira  in  chase ; 
Twas  the  very  same  Head,  and  the  very  same  Case, 
And  nothing  was  altered  at  all — but  the  Face ! 
In  that  he  perceived,  Avith  no  little  surprise. 
The  two  little  winder-holes  turned  into  eyes 

Blazing  with  ire, 

Like  two  coals  of  fire  ; 
And  the  "  Name  of  the  Maker"  was  changed  to  a  Lip, 
And  the  Hands  to  a  Nose  with  a  very  red  tip. 
No ! — he  could  not  mistake  it, — ^"twas  Sue  to  the  life  I 
rhe  identical  face  of  his  poor  defunct  Wife ! 

One  glance  was  enough. 

Completely  "  Quant.  Stiff '^ 
A.8  the  doctors  write  down  when  they  send  you  their  "  stuff."— 
Like  a  Weather-cock  whirled  by  a  vehement  puff. 


68  PATTY"    MORGAN    THE    MILKMAIDS    STORY, 

David  turned  hiiaself  round  ; 
Ten  feet  of  ground 
He  clear'd,  in  his  start,  at  the  very  first  bound ! 

I  Ve  seen  people  run  at  West-End  Fair  for  cheeses — 

I  've  seen  Ladies  run  at  Bow  Fair  for  chemises-  — 

At  Greenwich  Fair  twenty  men  run  for  a  hat, 

And  one  from  a  Bailiff  much  faster  than  that — ■ 

At  foot-ball  I  've  seen  lads  run  after  the  bladder — 

I  've  seen  Irish  Bricklayers  run  up  a  ladder — 

I  've  seen  little  boys  run  away  from  a  cane — 

And  I  've  seen  (that  is,  read  of)  good  running  in  Spain  ,* 

But  I  never  did  read 

Of,  or  witness,  such  speed 
As  David  exerted  that  evening — Indeed 
All  I  ever  have  heard  of  boys,  women,  or  men, 
Falls  far  short  of  Pryce,  as  he  ran  over  "  Pjen  1 " 

He  now  reaches  its  brow, — 

He  has  past  it, — and  now 
Having  once  gained  the  siimmit,  and  managed  to  cross  it,  he 
Rolls  down  the  side  with  uncommon  velocity  ; 

But,  run  as  he  will, 

Or  roll  down  the  hill. 
That  bugbear  behind  him  is  after  him  still ! 
And  close  at  his  heels,  not  at  all  to  his  liking. 
The  terrible  clock  keeps  on  ticking  and  striking, 

Till,  exhausted  and  sore, 

He  can't  run  any  more. 
But  falls  as  he  reaches  Miss  Davis's  door. 
And  screams  when  they  rush  out,  alarm'd  at  his  knock, 
"  Oh !  Look  at  the  Clock  !— Do !— Look  at  the  Clock  ! !  " 

Miss  Davis  look'd  up,  Miss  Davis  look'd  down. 
She  saw  nothing  there  to  alarm  her ; — a  frown 

*  I-run,  is  a  town  said  to  have  been  so  named  from  somethinpr  of  tM 
lort. 


"  LOOK    AT    THE    CLOCK."  G9 

Came  o'er  her  white  forehead, 

She  said,  "  It  was  horrid 
A  man  should  come  knocking  at  that  time  of  night, 
And  give  her  Mamma  and  herself  such  a  fright ; — 

To  squall  and  to  bawl 

About  nothing  at  all !" — 
She  begg'd  "he'd  not  think  of  repeating  his  call, 

His  late  wife's  disaster 

By  no  means  had  past  her," 
She  'd  "have  him  to  know  she  was  meat  for  his  Master!'' 
Then  regardless  alike  of  his  love  and  his  woes, 
She  turn'd  on  her  heel  and  she  turned  up  her  nose. 

Poor  David  in  vain 

Implored  to  remain. 
He  "  dared  not,"  he  said,  "  cross  the  mountain  again." 

"Why  the  fair  was  obdurate 

None  knows, — to  be  sure,  it 
Was  said  she  was  setting  hei'cap  at  the  Curate; — 
Be  that  as  it  may,  it  is  certain  the  sole  hole 
Pryce  found  to  creep  into  that  night  was  the  Coal-hole  I 

In  that  shady  retreat 

With  nothing  to  eat. 
And  with  very  bruised  limbs,  and  with  very  sore  feet, 

All  night  close  he  kept ; 

I  can't  say  he  slept ; 
But  he  sigh'd,  and  he  sobb'd,  and  he  groan  d,  ami  he  wept 

Lamenting  his  sins, 

And  his  two  broken  shins. 
Bewailing  his  fate  with  contortions  and  grins, 
And  her  he  once  thought  a  complete  Rara  Avis. 
Consigning  to  Satan, — viz.  cruel  Miss  Davis! 

Mr,  David  has  since  had  a  "  serious  call," 
He  never  drinks  ale,  wine,  or  spirits,  at  all. 
And  they  say  he  is  going  to  Exeter  Hall 

To  make  a  grand  speech, 

And  to  preach  and  to  teach 


<0  PATTY    MORGAN    TIIR    MILKMAIDS    STORT. 

People  that  "  they  can't  brew  their  malt  liquor  too  small  I' 
That  an  ancient  Welsh  Poet,  one  Pvndar  ap  Tudoe, 
Was  right  in  proclaiming  "AnisroN  me\  Udor!" 

Which  means  "  The  pure  Element 

Is  for  Main's  belly  meant !" 
And  that  Gin  's  but  a  Snare  of  Old  Nick  the  deluder  I 

And  "  still  on  each  evening  when  pleasure  fills  up," 
At  the  old  Goat-in-Boots,  with  Metheglin,  each  cup, 

Mr.  Pryce,  if  he  's  there, 

Will  get  into  "The  Chair," 
And  make  all  his  quondam  associates  stare 
By  calling  aloud  to  the  Landlady's  daughter, 
"  Patty,  bring  a  cigar,  and  a  glass  of  Spring  Water  1'' 
The  dial  he  constantly  watches  ;  and  when 
The  long  hand  's  at  the  "XII,"  and  the  short  at  the  "  X,** 

He  gets  on  his  legs. 

Drains  his  glass  to  the  dregs, 
Takes  his  hat  and  great-coat  off  their  several  pegs, 
With  his  President's  hammer  bestows  his  last  knock, 
And  says  solemnly — "  Gentlemen  ! 

"Look  at  the  Clock  !  1 1" 


The  succeeding  Legend  has  long  been  an  established 
favourite  with  all  of  us,  as  containing  much  of  the 
personal  history  of  one  of  the  greatest  ornaments  of 
the  family  tree. 

To  the  wedding  between  the  sole  heiress  of  this 
redoubted  hero  and  a  direct  ancestor  is  it  owing  that 
the  Lioncels  of  Sliurland  hang  so  lovingly  parallel  with 
the  Saltire  of  the  Ingoldsbys,  and  now  form  as  cherished 
a  quartering  in  their  escutcheon  as  the  "  dozen  white 
lowses  "  in  the  "  old  coat "  of  Sliallow. 


GKEY  DOLPHIN. 


A    LEGEND    OF    SHEPPEY. 

''  Bi.  won't — won't  he  ?  Then  bring*  me  my  boots  1" 
said  the  Baron. 

Consternation  was  at  its  height  in  the  castle  of  Shiir- 
land — a  caitiff  had  dared  to  disobey  the  Baron  !  and — 
the  Baron  had  called  for  his  boots ! 

A  thunderbolt  in  the  great  hall  had  been  a  bagatelle 
to  it. 

A  few  days  before,  a  notable  miracle  bad  been 
wrought  in  the  neighbourhood ;  and  in  those  times 
miracles  were  not  so  common  as  they  are  now ; — no 
royal  balloons,  no  steam,  no  railroads, — while  the  few 
Saints  who  took  the  trouble  to  walk  with  their  heads 
under  their  arms,  or  to  pull  the  Devil  by  the  nose, 
scarcely  appeared  above  once  in  a  century ;  so  the  affair 
made  the  greater  sensation. 

The  clock  had  done  striking  twelve,  and  the  Clerk  of 
Chatham  was  untrussing  his  points  preparatory  to  seek- 
ing his  truckle-bed ;  a  half-emptied  tankard  of  mild  ale 
stood  at  his  elbow,  the  roasted  crab  yet  floating  on  its 
surface.  Midnight  had  surprised  the  worthy  function 
ary  while  occupied  in  discussing  it,  and  with  his  task 
yet  unaccomplished.    He  meditated  a  mighty  draft :  one 


72  OREV    DOLPIIIX. 

hand  was  fumbling  with  his  tags,  while  the  other  was 
extended  in  the  act  of  grasping  the  jorum,  when  a  knock 
on  the  portal,  solemn  and  sonorous,  arrested  his  fingers. 
It  was  repeated  thrice  ere  Emmanuel  Saddleton  had 
presence  of  mind  sufficient  to  iuqui.T«  who  sought  admit- 
tance at  that  untimeous  hour. 

"  Open  !  open !  good  Clerk  of  St.  Bridget's,"  said  a 
female  voice,  small,  yet  distinct  aud  sweet, — an  excel- 
lent thing  in  woman. 

The  Clerk  arose,  crossed  to  the  doorway,  and  undid 
the  latchet. 

On  the  threshold  stood  a  Lady  of  surpassing  beauty : 
her  robes  were  rich,  and  large,  and  full ;  and  a  diadem, 
sparkling  with  gems  that  shed  a  halo  around,  crowned 
her  brow  :  she  beckoned  the  Clerk  as  he  stood  in  asto- 
nishment before  her. 

"Emmanuel !  "  said  the  Lady  ;  and  her  tones  sounded 
like  those  of  a  silver  flute.  "  Emmanuel  Saddleton,  truss 
up  your  points,  and  follow  me  !  " 

The  worthy  Clerk  stared  aghast  at  the  vision ;  the 
purple  robe,  the  cymar,  the  coronet, — above  all,  the 
smile ;  no,  there  was  no  mistaking  her ; — ^it  was  the 
blessed  St.  Bridget  herself! 

And  what  could  have  brought  the  sainted  lady  out 
of  her  warm  shrine  at  such  a  time  of  night  ?  and  on 
such  a  night?  for  it  was  as  dark  as  pitch,  and,  meta- 
phorically speaking,  "  rained  cats  and  dogs." 

Emmanuel  could  not  speak,  so  he  looked  the  ques- 
tion. 

"  No  matter  for  that,"  said  the  Saint,  answering  to  hia 
thought.  "  No  matter  for  that,  Emmanuel  Saddleton  : 
only  follow  me,  and  you'll  see  !  " 


A    LEGEND    OF    SIIEPPEY.  73 

The  Clerk  turned  a  wistful  eye  at  tlie  corner-cup- 
board. 

"  Oh  !  never  mind  the  lantern,  Emmanuel :  you'll  not 
want  it :  but  you  may  bring  a  mattock  and  a  shovel." 
As  she  spoke,  the  beautiful  apparition  held  up  her  deli- 
cate hand.  From  the  tip  of  each  of  her  long  taper 
fingers  issued  a  lambent  flame  of  such  surpassing  bril- 
liancy as  would  have  plunged  a  whole  gas  company 
into  despair — it  was  a  "  Hand  of  Glory,"  *  such  a  one 
as  tradition  tells  us  yet  burns  in  Rochester  Castle  every 
St.  Mark's  Eve.  Many  are  the  daring  individuals  who 
have  watched  in  Gundulph's  Tower,  hoping  to  find  it, 
and  the  treasure  it  guards  ;— but  none  of  them  ever  did. 

"  This  way,  Emmanuel ! "  and  a  flame  of  peculiar 
radiance  streamed  from  her  little  finger  as  it  pointed  to 
the  pathway  leading  to  the  churchyard. 

Saddleton  shouldered  his  tools,  and  followed  in 
silence. 

The  cemetery  of  St.  Bridget's  was  some  half-mile 
distant  from  the  Clerk's  domicile,  and  adjoined  a  chapel 
dedicated  to  that  illustrious  lady,  who,  after  leading 
but  a  so-so  life,  had  died  in  the  odour  of  sanctity.  Em- 
manuel Saddleton  was  fat  and  scant  of  breatli,  the 
mattock  was  heavy,  and  the  Saint  walked  too  fast  for 
liim :  he  paused  to  take  a  second  wind  at  the  end  of 
the  first  furlong. 

"  Emmanuel,"  said  tlie  holy  lady,  good-humoured ly, 
for  she  heard  him  puffing ;  "  rest  awhile,  Emmanuel, 
and  I'll  tell  you  what  I  want  with  you." 

•  One  of  the  uses  to  which  this  mystic  chandelier  was  put,  was  the  pro- 
tection of  secret  treasure.  Blow  out  all  the  fingers  at  one  puff  and  you  h;i^ 
«ho  money. 

FIRST    SERIES.  4 


74  GREY    DOLPHIN. 

Iler  auditor  wiped  his  brow  with  the  back  of  his 
hand,  and  looked  all  attention  and  obedience. 

"Emmanuel,"  continued  she,  "what  did  you  and 
Father  FothergiH,  and  the  rest  of  you,  mean  yesterday 
by  burying  that  drowned  man  so  close  to  me?  He 
died  in  mortal  sin,  Emmanuel ;  no  shrift,  no  unction, 
no  absolution  :  why,  he  might  as  well  have  been  excom- 
municated. He  plagues  me  with  his  gi-inning,  and  I 
can't  have  any  peace  in  my  shrine.  You  must  howk 
him  up  again,  Emmanuel." 

"  To  be  sure,  madam, — my  lady, — that  is,  your  holi- 
ness," stammered  Saddleton,  trembling  at  the  thought 
of  the  task  assigned  him.  "  To  be  sure,  your  ladyship  ; 
only — that  is — " 

"  Emmanuel,"  said  the  Saint,  "  you'll  do  my  bidding ; 
or  it  would  be  better  you  had  !  "  and  her  eye  changed 
from  a  dove's  eye  to  that  of  a  hawk,  and  a  flash  came 
from  it  as  bright  as  the  one  from  her  little  finger.  The 
Clerk  shook  in  his  shoes ;  and,  again  dashing  the  cold 
perspiration  from  his  brow,  followed  the  footsteps  of  his 
mysterious  guide. 

*  *  *  ^  % 

The  next  morning  all  Chatham  was  in  an  uproar. 
The  Clerk  of  St  Bridget's  had  found  himself  at  home 
at  daybreak,  seated  in  his  own  arm-chair,  the  fire  out, 
and — the  tankard  of  ale  out  too  !  Who  had  drunk  it  ? 
— where  had  he  been  ? — how  had  he  got  home  ? — all 
was  a  mystery  ! — he  remembered  "  a  mass  of  things,  bu* 
nothing  distinctly."  All  was  fog  and  fantasy.  What 
he  could  clearly  recollect  was,  that  he  had  dug  up  the 
Grinning  Sailor,  and  that  the  Saint  had  helped  to  throw 
him  into  the  river  again.     All  was  thenceforth  wonder- 


A    LEGEND    OF    SIlEPrEY. 


ment  and  devotion.  Masses  were  sung,  tapers  were  kin- 
dled, bells  were  tolled  ;  the  monks  of  St.  Komaiild  had  a 
solemn  procession,  the  abbot  at  their  head,  the  sacristan 
at  their  tail,  and  the  holy  breeches  of  St.  Thomas  a 
Becket  in  the  centre ; — Father  Fothergill  brewed  a 
XXX  puncheon  of  holy-water.  The  Rood  of  GiUing- 
ham  was  deserted ;  the  chapel  of  Rainham  forsaken  ; 
every  one  who  had  a  soul  to  be  saved,  flocked  with  his 
offering  to  St.  Bridget's  shrine,  and  Emmanuel  Saddle- 
ton  gathered  more  fees  from  the  promiscuous  piety  of 
that  one  week  than  he  had  pocketed  during  the  twelve 
preceding  months. 

Meanwhile  the  corpse  of  the  ejected  reprobate  oscil- 
lated like  a  pendulum  between  Sheerness  and  Gilling- 
ham  Reach.  Now  borne  by  the  Medway  into  the 
Western  Swale, — now  carried  by  the  refluent  tide  back 
to  the  vicinity  of  its  old  quartei's, — it  seemed  as  though 
the  RivBr  god  and  Neptune  were  amusing  themselves 
with  a  game  of  subaqueous  battledore,  and  had  chosen , 
this  unfortunate  carcass  as  a  marine  shuttlecock.  For 
some  time  the  alternation  was  kept  up  with  great  spirit, 
till  Boreas,  interfering  in  the  shape  of  a  stiffish  "  Nor'- 
wester,"  drifted  the  bone  (and  flesh)  of  contention 
ashore  on  the  Shurland  domain,  where  it  lay  in  all  the 
majesty  of  mud.  It  was  soon  discovered  by  the  retain- 
ers, and  dragged  from  its  oozy  bed,  grinning  worse  than 
ever.  Tidings  of  the  god-send  were  of  courte  carried 
instantly  to  the  castle ;  for  the  Baron  w^as  a  very  great 
man ;  and  if  a  dun  cow  had  flown  across  his  property 
unannounced  by  the  warder,  the  Baron  would  have 
kicked  him,  the  said  warder,  from  the  topmost  battle- 
ment into  the  bottommost  ditch, — .1  descent  of  peril, 


76  GREY    DOLPHIN. 

and  one  wliich  "  Luclvvig-  tlie  leaper,"  or  the  illustrious 
Trenck  himself,  might  well  have  shrunk  from  encoun- 
tering. 

"  An't  please  your  lordship — "  said  Peter  Periwinkle. 

"  No,  villain !  it  does  not  please  me !"  roared  the  Baron. 

His  lordship  was  deeply  engaged  witli  a  peck  of 
Feversham  oysters, — he  doated  on  shellfish,  hated  inter- 
ruption at  meals,  and  had  not  yet  despatched  more  than 
twenty  dozen  of  the  "  natives." 

"  There's  a  body,  my  lord,  washed  ashore  in  the 
lower  creek,"  said  the  Seneschal. 

The  Baron  was  going  to  throw  the  shells  at  his  head ; 
but  paused  in  the  act,  and  said  with  much  dignity, — 

"  Turn  out  the  fellow's  pockets  !" 

But  the  defunct  had  before  been  subjected  to  the 
double  scrutiny  of  Father  Fothergill,  and  the  Clerk  of 
St.  Bridget's.  It  was  ill  gleaning  after  such  hands ; 
there  was  not  a  single  maravedi. 

We  have  already  said  that  Sir  Robert  de  Shurland, 
Lord  of  the  Isle  of  Sheppey,  and  of  many  a  fair  m.anor 
on  the  main-land,  was  a  man  of  worship.  He  had 
rights  of  freewarren,  saccage  and  sockage,  cuisage  and 
jambage,  fosse  and  fork,  infang  theofe  and  outfang 
theofe :  and  all  waifs  and  strays  belonged  to  him  in  fee 
simple. 

"Turn  out  his  pockets !"  said  the  Knight. 

"An't  please  you,  my  lord,  I  must  say  as  hoAv  they 
was  turned  out  afore,  and  the  devil  a  rap's  left." 

"  Then  bury  the  blackguard  !  " 

"  Please  your  lordship,  he  has  been  buried  once." 

"Then  bury  him  again,  and  be !"     The  BaroD 

bestowed  a  benediction. 


A    LEGEND    OF    SHEFTEV.  •  / 

The  Seneschal  bowed  low  as  he  left  the  room,  and  the 
Baron  went  on  with  his  oysters. 

Scarcely  ten  dozen  more  had  vanished  when  Peri- 
winkle reappeared. 

"An't  please  you,  my  lord,  Father  Fothergill  says  as 
how  that  it's  the  Grinning  Sailor,  and  he  won't  bury 
him  anyhow." 

"  Oh  !  he  won't — won't  he  ?  "  said  the  Baron.  Can 
it  be  wondered  at  that  he  called  for  his  boots  ? 

Sir  Robert  Shurland,  Lord  of  Shurland  and  Minster, 
Baron  of  Sheppey  in  comitatu  Kent,  was,  as  has  been 
before  hinted,  a  very  great  man.  He  was  also  a  very 
little  man  ;  that  is,  he  was  relatively  great,  and  rela- 
tively little, — or  physically  little,  and  metaphorically 
great, — like  Sir  Sidney  Smith  and  the  late  Mr.  Bona- 
parte. To  the  frame  of  a  dwarf  he  united  the  soul  of 
a  giant,  and  the  valour  of  a  gamecock.  Then,  for  so 
small  a  man,  his  strength  was  prodigious  ;  his  fist  would 
fell  an  ox,  and  his  kick — oh !  his  kick  was  tremendous, 
and,  when  he  had  his  boots  on,  would, — to  use  an 
expression  of  his  own,  which  he  had  picked  up  in  the 
holy  wars, — would  "send  a  man  from  Jericho  to  June." 
ITe  was  bull-necked  and  bandy-legged;  his  chest  was 
broad  and  deep,  his  head  lai-ge  and  uncommonly  thick, 
his  eyes  a  little  blood-shot,  and  his  nose  retrousse  with 
a  remarkably  red  tip.  Strictly  speaking,  the  Baron 
could  not  be  called  handsome :  but  his  tout  ensemble 
was  singularly  impressive :  and  when  he  called  for  his 
boots,  everybody  trembled  and  dreaded  the  woi^t. 

"  Periwinkle,"  said  the  Baron,  as  he  encased  his  better 
;eg,  "let  the  grave  be  twenty  feet  deep!" 
"  Your  lordship's  command  is  law." 


70  GREV    DOLPHIN. 

"  And,  Periwinkle," — Sir  Robert  stamped  liis  left  heei 
into  its  receptacle, — "and,  Periwinkle,  see  that  it  be 
wide  enouo^h  to  hold  not  exceeding  two ! " 

"  Ye — ye — yes,  my  lord." 

"And,  Periwinkle,  tell  Father  Fothergill  I  would  fain 
speak  with  his  Reverence." 

"  Ye — ye — yes,  my  lord." 

The  Baron's  beard  was  peaked ;  and  his  mustaches, 
stiff'  and  stumpy,  projected  horizontally  like  those  of  a 
Tom  Cat ;  he  twirled  the  one,  he  stroked  the  other,  he 
drew  the  buckle  of  his  surcingle  a  thought  tighter,  and 
strode  down  the  great  staircase  three  steps  at  a  stride. 

The  vassals  were  assembled  in  the  great  hall  of  Shur- 
land  Castle ;  every  cheek  was  pale,  every  tongue  was 
mute :  expectation  and  perplexity  v/ere  visible  on  every 
brow.  What  would  his  lordship  do  ? — Were  the  recu- 
sant anybody  else,  gyves  to  the  heels  and  hemp  to  the 
throat  were  but  too  good  for  him  : — but  it  was  Father 
Fothergill  who  had  said  "  I  won't ; "  and  though  the 
Baron  was  a  very  great  man,  the  Pope  was  a  greater, 
and  the  pope  was  Father  Fothergill's  great  friend — some 
people  said  he  was  his  uncle. 

Father  Fothergill  w^as  busy  in  the  refectory  trying 
conclusions  with  a  venison  pasty,  when  he  received  the 
summons  of  his  patron  to  attend  him  in  the  chapel 
cemetery.  Of  course  he  lost  no  time  in  obeying  it,  for 
obedience  was  the  general  rule  in  Shurland  Castle.  If 
any  body  ever  said  "  I  won't,"  it  w^as  the  exception  ; 
and,  like  all  other  exceptions,  only  proved  the  rule  the 
stronger.  The  Father  was  a  friar  of  the  Augustine  per- 
suasion ;  a  brotherhood  which,  having  been  planted  in 
Kent  some  few  centuries  earlier,  had  taken  very  kindly 


A    LEGEND    OF    SHEPPEY.  79 

to  the  soil,  and  overspread  the  county  much  as  hops  did 
some  few  centuries  later.  He  was  plump  and  portly,  a 
little  thick-winded,  especially  after  dinner, — stood  five 
feet  four  in  his  sandals,  and  weighed  hard  upon 
eighteen  stone.  He  was  moreover  a  personage  of 
singular  piety ;  and  the  iron  girdle  which,  he  said,  he 
wore  under  his  cassock  to  mortify  withal,  might  have 
been  well  mistaken  for  the  tire  of  a  cart-wheel. — When 
he  arrived,  Sir  Robert  was  pacing  up  and  down  by  the 
side  of  a  newly  opened  grave. 

"  Benedicite  !  fair  son," — (the  Baron  was  as  brown  as 
a  cigar,) — "  Benedicite  !  "  said  the  Chaplain. 

The  Baron  was  too  angry  to  stand  upon  compliment. 
— "  Bury  me  that  grinning  caitiff"  there !  "  quoth  he, 
jx)inting  to  the  defunct. 

"  It  may  not  be,  fair  son,"  said  the  Friar  ;  "  he  hath 
perished  without  absolution." 

"  Bury  the  body  !  "  roared  Sir  Robert. 

"  Water  and  earth  alike  reject  him,"  returned  the 
Chaplain  ;  "  holy  St.  Bridget  herself " 

"  Bridget  me  no  Bridgets ! — do  me  thine  office 
quickly.  Sir  Shaveling;  or,  by  the  Piper  that  played 

before  Moses ! "     The  oath  was  a  fearful  one  ;  and 

whenever  the  Baron  swore  to  do  mischief,  he  was  never 
known  to  perjure  himself.  He  was  playing  with  the 
hilt  of  his  sword. — "  Do  me  thine  office,  I  say.  Give 
him  his  passport  to  Heaven  ! " 

"  He  is  already  gone  to  hell ! "  stammered  the  Friar. 

"  Then  do  you  go  after  him  ! "  thundered  the  Lord 
of  Shurland. 

His  sword  half  leaped  from  its  scabbard.  No  ! — the 
trenchant  blade,  that  had  cut  Suleiman  Ben  Malek  Ben 


80  GREY    D01>PHIN. 

Uuckskiii  from  helmet  to  chine,  disdained  to  daub  itselr 
with  the  cerebelkim  of  a  miserable  monk  ; — it  leaped 
back  again ; — and  as  the  Chaplain,  scared  at  its  flash, 
turned  him  in  terror,  the  Baron  gave  him  a  kick  1 — one 
kick  ! — it  was  but  one  ! — but  such  a  one  !  Despite  its 
obesity,  up  flew  his  holy  body  in  an  angle  of  forty- 
five  degrees  ;  then,  having  reached  its  highest  point  oi 
elevation,  sunk  headlong  into  the  open  grave  thai 
yawned  to  receive  it.  If  the  reverend  gentleman  hari 
possessed  such  a  thing  as  a  neck,  he  had  infallibly 
broken  it ;  as  he  did  not,  he  only  dislocated  liis  verte- 
bra?,— but  that  did  quite  as  well.  He  was  as  dead  as 
ditch-water  1 

"  In  with  the  other  rascal !  "  said  the  Baron, — and 
he  was  obeyed  ;  for  there  he  stood  in  his  boots.  Mat- 
tock and  shovel  made  short  work  of  it ;  twenty  feet  of 
superincumbent  mould  pressed  down  alike  the  saint  and 
the  sinner.  "  Now  sing  a  requiem  who  list !  "  said  the 
Baron,  and  his  lordship  went  back  to  his  oystei-s. 

The  vassals  at  Castle  Shurland  were  astounded,  or,  as 
the  Seneschal  Hugh  better  expressed  it,  "  perfectly  con- 
glomerated," by  this  event.  What !  murder  a  monk  in 
the  odour  of  sanctity, — and  on  consecrated  ground  too  ! 
— They  trembled  for  the  health  of  the  Baron's  soul. 
To  the  unsophisticated  many  it  seemed  that  matters 
could  not  have  l>een  much  worse  had  he  shot  a  bishop's 
coach-horse  ; — all  looked  for  some  signal  judgment. 
The  melancholy  catastrophe  of  their  neighbours  at  Can- 
terbury was  yet  rife  in  their  memories  :  not  two  centuries 
had  elapsed  since  those  miserable  sinners  had  cut  oflf  the 
tail  of  the  blessed  St.  Thomas's  mule.  The  tail  of  the 
mule,  it  was  well  known,  had  been  forthwith  affixed  to 


A     LEGEND    OF    8HEPPEY.  81 

tliat  of  the  mayor ;  and  rumour  said  it  had  since  been 
hereditary  in  the  corporation.  The  least  that  could  be 
expected  was,  that  Sir  Robert  should  have  a  friar  tacked 
on  to  his  for  the  term  of  his  natural  life !  Some  bolder 
spirits  there  were,  'tis  true,  who  viewed  the  matter  in 
various  lights,  according  to  their  different  temperaments 
and  dispositions ;  for  perfect  unanimity  existed  not  even 
in  the  good  old  times.  The  verderer,  roistering  Rob 
Roebuck,  swore  roundly  "  'Twere  as  good  a  <leed  as  eat 
to  kick  down  the  chapel  as  well  as  the  monk." — Hob 
had  stood  there  in  a  white  sheet  for  kissing  Giles  Miller's 
daughter.  On  the  other  hand,  Simpkin  Agnew,  the 
bell-ringer,  doubted  if  the  devil's  cellar,  which  runs 
under  the  bottomless  abyss,  were  quite  deep  enough  for 
the  delinquent,  and  speculated  on  the  probability  of  a 
hole  being  dug  in  it  for  his  especial  accommodation. 
The  philosophers  and  economists  thought,  with  Saunders 
McBuUock,  the  Baron's  bagpiper,  that  "  a  feckless  monk 
more  or  less  was  nae  great  subject  for  a  clamjamphry," 
especially  as  "  the  supply  considerably  exceeded  the 
demand  ;"  while  Malthouse,  the  tapster,  was  arguing  to 
Dame  Martin  that  a  murder  now  and  then  was  a  season- 
able check  to  population,  without  which  the  Isle  of 
Sheppey  would  in  time  be  devoured,  like  a  mouldy 
clieese,  by  inhabitants  of  its  own  producing. — Mean- 
while, the  Baron  ate  his  oysters  and  thought  no  more 
of  the  matter. 

But  this  tranquillity  of  his  lordship  was  not  to  last. 
A  couple  of  Saints  had  been  seriously  offended  ;  and  we' 
have  all  of  us  read  at  school  that  celestial  minds  ai-e  by 
no  means  insensible  to  the  provocations  of  anger. 
There  were  those  who  expected  that  St.  Bridget  would. 
4* 


82  GREY    DOLPHIN. 

come  m  person,  and  have  tlie  friar  up  again,  as  she  dio 
the  sailor  ;  but  perhaps  her  ladyship  did  not  care  to 
trust  herself  within  the  walls  of  Shnrland  Castle.  To 
say  the  truth,  it  was  scarcely  a  decent  house  for  a  female 
Saint  to  be  seen  in.  The  Baron's  gallantries,  since  he 
became  a  widower,  had  been  but  too  notorious  ;  and 
her  own  reputation  was  a  little  blown  upon  in  the  earlier 
days  of  her  earthly  pilgrimage  :  then  things  were  so  apt 
to  be  misrepresented  :  in  short,  she  would  leave  the 
whole  affair  to  St.  Austin,  who,  being  a  gentleman, 
could  interfere  with  propriety,  avenge  her  affi'ont  as 
well  as  his  own,  and  leave  no  loop-hole  for  scandal.  St. 
Austin  himself  seems  to  have  had  his  scruples,  though 
their  precise  nature  it  would  be  difficult  to  determine, 
for  it  were  idle  to  suppose  him  at  all  afraid  of  the 
Baron's  boots.  Be  this  as  it  may,  the  mode  which  he 
adopted  was  at  once  prudent  and  efficacious.  As  an 
ecclesiastic,  he  could  not  well  call  the  Baron  out, — had 
his  boots  been  out  of  the  question  ; — so  he  resolved  to 
have  recourse  to  the  law.  Instead  of  Shurland  Castle, 
therefore,  he  repaired  forthwith  to  his  own  magnificent 
monastery,  situate  just  without  the  walls  of  Canterbury, 
and  presented  himself  in  a  vision  to  its  abbot.  No  one 
who  has  ever  visited  that  ancient  city,  can  fail  to  recol- 
lect the  splendid  gateway  which  terminates  the  vista  of 
St.  Paul's  street,  and  stands  there  yet  in  all  its  pristine 
beauty.  The  tiny  train  of  miniature  artillery  which  now 
adorns  its  battlements  is,  it  is  true,  an  ornament  of  a 
later  date  ;  and  is  said  to  have  been  added  some  centu- 
ries ?».fter  by  a  learned  but  jealous  proprietor,  for  the 
pui-p'-se  of  shooting  any  wiser  man  than  himself  wdio 
mig'-^  ''.  chance  to  come  that  way.     Tradition  is  silent  as 


A    LEGEND    OF    SIIEPPEY.  83- 

to  any  discharge  having*  taken  i)lace,  nor  can  the  oldest 
inhabitant  of  modern  days  recollect  any  such  occur- 
rence.* Here  it  was,  in  a  handsome  chamber,  imme- 
diately over  the  lofty  archway,  that  the  Superior  of  the 
monastery  lay  buried  in  a  brief  slumber  snatched  from 
his  accustomed  vigils.  His  mitre — for  he  was  a  Mitred 
Abbot,  and  had  a  seat  in  parliament — rested  on  a  table 
beside  him  ;  near  it  stood  a  Silver  flagon  of  Gascony  wine, 
ready,  no  doubt,  for  the  pious  uses  of  the  morrow.  Fast- 
ing and  watching  had  made  him  more  than  usually 
somnolent,  than  which  nothing  could  have  been  better 
for  the  purpose  of  the  Saint,  who  now  appeared  to  hira 
radiant  in  all  the  colours  of  the  rainbow. 

"Anselm!"  —  said  the  beatific  vision,  —  "Anselm! 
are  you  not  a  pretty  fellow  to  lie  snoring  there,  when 
your  brethren  are  being  knocked  at  head,  and  Mother 
Church  herself  is  menaced  ! — It  is  a  sin  and  a  shame, 
Anselm ! " 

"  What's  the  matter  ? — Who  are  you  ? "  cried  the 
Abbot,  rubbing  his  eyes,  which  the  celestial  splendour 
of  his  visitor  had  set  a-winking.  "  Ave  Maria !  St. 
Austin  himself ! — Speak,  Beatissime  !  what  would  you 
with  the  humblest  of  your  votaries  ?" 

"  Anselm  !"  said  the  saint,  "  a  brother  of  our  order, 
whose  soul  Heaven  assoilzie  !  hath  been  foully  murdered. 
He  hath  been  ignorainiously  kicked  to  the  death, 
Anselm  ;  and  there  he  lieth  cheek-by-jowl  with  a 
wretched  carcass,  which  our  sister  Bridget  has  turned 
out  of  her  cemetery  for  unseemly  grinning. — Arouse 
tliee,  Anselm  ! " 

*  Since  the  appearance  of  the  first  C'lUion  of  this  Legend  "  the  guns" 
lave  been  dismounted.  Rumour  hiuti  at  some  alarm  on  the  part  of  the 
^3wn  Council. 


84  GREY    DOLPHIN. 

"  Ay,  so  please  you,  Sanetissime  /"  said  the  Abbot ' 
"  I  will  order  forthwith  that  thirty  masses  be  said,  thirt} 
Paters^  and  thirty  AvesT 

"  Thirty  fools'  heads  !"  interrupted  his  patron,  who 
was  a  little  peppery. 

"  I  will  send  for  bell,  book,  and  candle — " 

"  Send  for  an  inkhorn,  Anselm. — Write  me  now  a 
letter  to  his  Holiness  the  Pope  in  good  round  terms, 
and  another  to  the  Coroner,  and  anotlier  to  the  Sheriff, 
and  seize  me  the  never-enough-to-be  anathematised 
villain  who  hath  done  this  deed  !  Hang  him  as  high 
as  Haman,  Anselm  ! — up  with  him  ! — down  with  his 
dwelling-place,  root  and  branch,  hearthstone  and  roof-^ 
tree, — down  with  it  all,  and  sow  the  site  with  salt  and 
sawdust ! " 

St.  Austin,  it  will  be  perceived,  was  a  radical 
reformer. 

"  Marry  will  I,"  quoth  the  Abbot,  warming  with  the 
Saint's  eloquence  ;  "  ay,  marry  will  I,  and  that  instanter. 
But  there  is  one  thing  you  have  forgotten,  most  Beati- 
fied—the name  of  the  culprit." 

"  Robert  de  Shurland." 

"  The  Lord  of  Slieppey  !  Bless  me  ! "  said  the 
Abbot,  crossing  himself,  "  won't  that  be  rather  incon- 
venient ?  Sir  l^obert  is  a  bold  baron,  and  a  powerful ; 
— blows  will  come  and  go,  and  crowns  will  be  cracked, 
and " 

"  What  is  that  to  you,  since  yours  will  not  be  of  the 
number  ?" 

"  Very  true,  Beatissime  ! — I  will  don  me  with  speed, 
'dnd  do  your  bidding." 

'*^Do  so.  Anselm  ! — fail   not  to  hang  the  baron,  burn 


A    LEGEND    OF    SHEPPEY.  85 

his  castle,  confiscate  liis  estate,  and  buy  me  two  large 
wax  candles  for  my  own  particular  slirine  out  of  your 
share  of  the  property." 

AVith  this  solemn  injunction  the  vision  began  to  fade. 

"  One  thing  more  !"  cried  the  Abbot,  grasping  his 
rosary. 

"  What  is  that  ?"  asked  the  Saint. 

"  0  Beate  Augustine^  or  a  pro  nobis  /" 
.   "  Of  course  I  shall,"  said  St.  Austin.    "  Pax  vohiscum  P^ 
—and  Abbot  Anselm  was  left  alone. 

Within  an  hour  all  Canterbury  was  in  commotion. 
A  friar  had  been  murdered, — two  friars — ten — twenty ; 
a  whole  convent  had  been  assaulted, — sacked, — burnt, 
— all  the  monks  had  been  killed,  and  all  the  nuns  had 
been  kissed  ! — Murder  ! — fire  ! — Sacrilege  !  Never  was 
a  city  in  such  an  uproar.  From  St.  George's  gate  to 
St.  Dunstan's  suburb,  from  the  Donjon  to  tlie  borough 
of  Staplegate,  all  was  noise  and  hubbub.  "  Wliere  was 
it  ?"— "  When  was  it  ? "— "  How  was  it  ?"  The  mayor 
caught  up  his  chain,  the  Aldermen  donned  their  furred 
gowns,  the  Town-clerk  put  on  his  spectacles.  "  Who 
was  he  ?"— "  What  was  he  ?  "~"  Where  was  he  ?"— he 
should  be  hanged, — he  should  be  burned, — he  should 
be  broiled, — he  should  be  fried, — he  should  be  scraped 
to  death  with  red-hot  oyster  shells  !  "  Who  was  he  ? " 
— "  What  was  his  name  ?" 

The  Abbot's  Apparitor  drew  forth  his  roll  and  read 
uloud  : — ■'  Sir  Robert  de  Shurland^  Knight  banneret, 
Baron  of  Shurland  and  Minster,  and  Lord  of  Shep- 
|*ey." 

The  Mayor  put  his  chain  in  his  pocket,  the  Aldermen 
took  off  their  gowns,  the  Town-clerk  put  his  pen  behind 


86  GREY    DOLPHIN. 

his  ear. — It  was  a  county  business  altogether  : — the 
Sheriff  had  better  call  out  the  posse  comitatus. 

"While  saints  and  sinners  were  thus  leaguing  against 
him,  the  Baron  de  Shurland  was  quietly  eating  his 
breakfast.  He  had  passed  a  tranquil  night,  undisturbed 
by  dreams  of  cowl  or  capuchin ;  nor  was  his  appetite 
more  affected  than  his  conscience.  On  the  contrary,  he 
sat  rather  longer  over  his  meal  than  usual ;  luncheon- 
time  came,  and  he  was  ready  as  ever  for  his  oysters: 
but  scarcely  had  Dame  Martin  opened  his  first  half-dozen 
when  the  warder's  horn  was  heard  from  the  barbican. 

"  Who  the  devil's  that  ?"  said  Sir  Robert.  "  I'm  not 
at  home.  Periwinkle.  I  hate  to  be  disturbed  at  meals, 
and  I  won't  be  at  home  to  anybody." 

"  An't  please  your  lordship,"  answered  the  Seneschal, 
*'  Paul  Prior  hath  given  notice  that  there  is  a  body " 

"Another  body  !"  roared  the  Baron.  "Am  I  to  be 
everlastingl}^  plagued  with  bodies  ?  No  time  allow^ed 
me  to  swallow  a  morsel.     Throw  it  into  the  moat !" 

"  So  please  you,  my  lord,  it  is  a  body  of  horse — and 
— and  Paul  says  there  is  a  still  larger  body  of  foot 
behind  it ;  and  he  thinks,  my  lord, — that  is,  he  does 
not  know,  but  he  thinks — and  we  all  think,  my  lord, 
that  they  are  coming  to — to  besiege  the  castle  !" 

"  Besiege  the  castle  !     Who  ?     What  ?     What  for  ?" 

"  Paul  says,  my  lord,  that  he  can  see  the  banner  of 
St.  Austin,  and  the  bleeding  heart  of  Hamo  de  Creve- 
coeur,  the  Abbot's  chief  vassal ; — and  there  is  John  de 
North  wood,  the  sheriff,  with  his  red-cross  engrailed ;  and 
Hever.  and  Leybourne,  and  Heaven  know^s  how  many 
more ;  and  they  are  ar  coming  on  as  fast  as  ever  they 


A    LEGEND    OP    SHEPPEV.  87 

"  I'eriwinkle,"  said  the  Baron,  "  up  with  the  draw- 
bridge ;  down  with  the  portcullis ;  bring  me  a  cup  of 
canary,  and  iny  nightcap.  I  won't  be  bothered  with 
them.     I  shall  go  to  bed." 

"  To  bed,  my  lord  ?"  cried  Periwinkle,  with  a  look 
that  seemed  to  say,  "  He's  crazy  !" 

At  this  moment  the  shrill  tones  of  a  trumpet  were 
heard  to  sound  thrice  from  the  champaign.  It  was  the 
signal  for  parley  :  the  Baron  changed  his  mind  ;  instead 
of  going  to  bed  he  went  to  the  ramparts. 

"  Well,  rapscallions  !  and  what  now  ! "  said  the 
Baron. 

A  herald,  two  pursuivants,  and  a  trumpeter,  occupied 
the  foreground  of  the  scene  ;  behind  them,  some  three 
liundred  paces  off,  upon  a  rising  ground,  was  drawn 
up  in  battle  array  the  main  body  of  the  ecclesiastical 
forces. 

"  Hear  you,  Robert  de  Shurland,  Knight,  Baron  of 
Shurland  and  Minster,  and  Lord  of  Sheppey,  and 
know  all  men  by  these  presents,  that  I  do  hereby 
attach  you,  the  said  Robert,  of  murder  and  sacrilege, 
now,  or  of  late,  done  and  committed  by  you,  the  said 
Robert,  contrary  to  the  peace  of  our  Sovereign  Lord 
the  King,  his  crown  and  dignity  :  and  I  do  hereby 
require  and  charge  you  the  said  Robert,  to  forthwith 
surrender  and  give  up  your  own  proper  person,  toge- 
ther with  the  castle  of  Shurland  aforesaid,  in  order 
that  the  same  may  be  duly  dealt  with  according  to  law. 
And  here  standeth  John  de  North  wood.  Esquire,  good 
man  and  true,  sheriff  of  this  his  Majesty's  most  loyal 
county  of  Kent,  to  enforce  the  same,  if  need  bo,  witb 
his  posse  comitatas — " 


88  GREV    DOLPHIN. 

"  His  what  ?"  said  the  Baron. 
'■'' Wis  posse  comitatus,  and " 


"  Go  to  Bath  !"  said  the  Baron. 

A  defiance  so  contemptuous  roused  the  ire  of  tlif 
adverse  commanders.  A  volley  of  missiles  rattled 
about  the  Baron's  ears.  Nightcaps  avail  little  against 
contusions.  He  left  the  walls,  and  returned  to  the 
great  hall. 

"  Let  them  pelt  away,"  quoth  the  Baron  :  "  there  are 
no  windows  to  break,  and  they  can't  get  in." — So  he 
took  his  afternoon  nap,  and  the  siege  went  on. 

Towards  evening  his  lordship  awoke,  and  grew  tired 
of  the  din.  Guy  Pearson,  too,  had  got  a  black  eye  from  a 
brick-bat,  and  the  assailants  were  clambering  over  the 
outer  wall.  So  the  Baron  called  for  his  Sunday  hau- 
berk of  Milan  steel,  and  his  great  two-handed  sword 
vvith  the  terrible  name : — it  was  the  fashion  in  feudal 
times  to  give  names  to  swords :  King  Arthur's  was 
christened  Excah bar ;  the  ]3aron  called  his  Tickletoby, 
and  whenever  he  took  it  in  hand  it  was  no  joke. 

"  Up  with  the  portculhs  !  down  with  the  bridge  !"  said 
Sir  Robert ;  and  out  he  sallied,  followed  by  the  elite  of 
his  retainers.  Then  there  was  a  pretty  to-do.  Heads 
flew  one  way — arms  and  legs  another ;  round  w^ent 
Tickletoby;  and,  wherever  it  alighted,  down  came  horse 
and  man  :  the  Baron  excelled  himself  that  day.  All 
that  he  had  done  in  Palestine  faded  in  the  comparison ; 
he  had  fought  for  fun  there,  but  now  it  was  for  life  and 
lands.  Away  went  John  de  Northwood ;  away  went 
William  of  Hever,  and  Roger  of  Leybourne.  Hamo 
de  Ci-evecoeur,  with  the  church  vassals  and  the  banner 
of  St.  Austin,  had  been  gone  some  time.  The  siege  was 


A    LEGEND    OF    RHEPPEY,  80 

raised,  and  the  Lord  of  Sheppey  was  left  alone  in  his 
glory. 

But,  brave  as  the  Baron  iindoiihtedly  was,  and  total 
as  had  been  the  defeat  of  his  enemies,  it  cannot  be  sup- 
posed that  La  Stoccata  would  be  allowed  to  carry  it 
away  thus.  It  has  before  been  hinted  that  Abbot  An- 
selni  had  written  to  the  Pope,  and  Boniface  the  Eighth 
piqued  himself  on  his  punctuality  as  a  correspondent  in 
all  matters  connected  with  church  discipline,  lie  sent 
back  an  answer  by  return  of  post ;  and  by  it  all  Chris- 
tian people  were  strictly  enjoined  to  aid  in  exterminat- 
ing the  otlender,  on  pain  of  the  greater  excommunica- 
tion in  this  world,  and  a  million  of  years  of  purgatory 
in  the  next.  But  then,  again,  Boniface  the  Eighth  was 
rather  at  a  discount  in  England  just  then.  He  had 
affronted  Longshanks,  as  the  loyal  lieges  had  nicknamed 
their  monarch  ;  and  Longshanks  had  been  rather  sharp 
upon  the  clergy  in  consequence.  If  the  Baron  de  Shur- 
land  could  but  get  the  King's  pardon  for  what,  in  his 
cooler  moments,  he  admitted  lo  be  a  peccadillo,  he 
might  sniff  at  the  Pope,  and  bid  him  "  do  his  devil- 
most." 

Fortune,  who,  as  the  poet  says,  deliglits  to  favour  the 
bold,  stood  his  friend  on  this  occasion.  Edward  had 
been,  for  some  time,  collecting  a  large  force  on  the 
coast  of  Kent,  to  carry  on  his  French  wars  for  the 
recovery  of  Guienne  ;  he  was  expected  shortly  to  review 
it  in  person ;  but,  then,  the  troops  lay  principally  in 
cantonments  about  the  mouth  of  the  Thames,  and  his 
Majesty  was  to  come  down  by  water.  What  was  to  be 
done? — the  royal  barge  was  in  sight,  and  John  de 
Northwood  and  Hamo  de  Crevecceur  had  broken  up  all 


90  GREY    DOLPHIN. 

tlie  boats  to  boil  their  camp-kettles.  A  truly  great 
mind  is  never  without  resources. 

"  Bring  me  my  boots !"  said  the  Baron. 

They  brought  him  his  boots,  and  his  dapple-grey 
steed  along  with  them.  Such  a  courser  !  all  blood  and 
bone,  short-backed,  broad-chested,  and, — but  that  he 
was  a  little  ewe-necked, — faultless  in  form  and  figure. 
The  Baron  sprang  upon  his  back,  and  dashed  at  once 
into  the  river. 

The  barge  which  carried  Edward  Longshanks  and 
his  fortunes  had  by  this  time  nearly  reached  the  Nore ; 
the  stream  was  broad  and  the  current  strong,  but  Sir 
Robert  and  his  steed  were  almost  as  broad,  and  a  great 
deal  stronger.  After  breasting  the  tide  gallantly  for  a 
couple  of  miles,  the  Knight  was  near  enough  to  hail  the 
steei-sman. 

"  What  have  we  got  here  ?"  said  the  King.  "  It's  a 
mermaid,"  said  one.  "  It's  a  grampus,"  said  another. 
"It's  the  devil,"  said  a  third.  But  they  were  all 
wrong ;  it  was  only  Robert  de  Shurland.  "  Grammercy," 
quoth  the  King,  "that  fellow  was  never  born  to  be 
drowned ! " 

It  has  been  said  before  that  the  Baron  had  fought  in 
the  Holy  wars ;  in  fact,  he  had  accompanied  Long- 
shanks,  when  only  heir  apparent,  in  his  expedition 
twenty -five  years  before,  although  his  name  is  unac- 
countably omitted  by  Sir  Harris  Nicolas  in  his  list  of 
crusaders.  He  had  been  present  at  Acre  when  Amirand 
of  Joppa  stabbed  the  prince  with  a  poisoned  dagger, 
and  had  lent  Pi-incess  Eleanor  his  own  tooth-brush  after 
she  had  sucked  out  the  venom  from  the  wound.  He 
Iiad  slain  certain  Saracens,  conterted  himself  with  his 


A    LEGEND    OF    SHEPPEV.  91 

own  plunder,  and  never  dunned  the  commissariat  for 
arrears  of  pay.  Of  course  he  ranked  high  in  Edward'? 
good  graces,  and  had  received  the  honour  of  knight- 
hood at  his  hands  on  the  field  of  battle. 

In  one  so  circumstanced  it  cannot  be  supposed  that 
such  a  trifle  as  the  killing  of  a  frowzy  friar  would  be 
much  resented,  even  had  he  not  taken  so  bold  a  mea- 
sure to  obtain  his  pardon.  His  petition  was  granted,  of 
course,  as  soon  as  asked ;  and  so  it  would  have  been 
had  the  indictment  drawn  up  by  the  Canterbury  town- 
clerk,  viz.  "  That  he  the  said  Robert  de  Shurland,  (fee. 
had  then  and  there,  with  several,  to  wit,  one  thousand 
pairs  of  boots,  given  sundry,  to  wit,  two  thousand  kicks, 
and  therewith  and  thereby  killed  divers,  to  wit,  ten 
thousand,  Austin  friars,"  been  true  to  the  letter. 

Thrice  did  the  gallant  grey  circumnavigate  the  barge, 
while  Robert  de  Winchelsey,  the  chancellor,  and  arch- 
bishop to  boot,  was  making  out,  albeit  with  great  reluc- 
tance, the  royal  pardon.  The  interval  was  sufficiently 
long  to  enable  His  Majesty,  who,  gracious  as  he  was, 
had  always  an  eye  to  business,  just  to  hint  that  the  gi*a- 
titude  he  felt  towards  the  Baron  was  not  unmixed  with 
a  lively  sense  of  services  to  come ;  and  that,  if  life  were 
now  spared  him,  common  decency  must  oblige  him  to 
make  himself  useful.  Before  the  archbishop,  who  had. 
scalded  his  fingers  with  the  wax  in  affixing  the  great 
seal,  had  time  to  take  them  out  of  his  mouth,  all  was 
settled,  and  the  Baron  de  Shurland  had  pledged  him- 
self to  be  forthwith  in  readiness,  cum  suis^  to  accom- 
pany his  liege  lord  to  Guienne. 

With  the  royal  pardon  secured  in  his  vest,  boldly  did 
his  lordship  turn  again  to  the  shore ;  and  as  boldly  did 


9!2  GREY    DOLPHIN. 

his  coiirs(!r  oppose  liis  breadth  of  chest  to  the  stream, 
It  was  a  work  of  no  common  difficulty  or  danger ;  a 
steed  of  less  ''  metal  and  bone  "  had  long  since  sunk  in 
the  effort :  as  it  was,  the  Baron's  boots  were  full  of 
water,  and  Grey  Dolphin's  chanifrain  more  than  once 
dipped  beneath  the  wave.  The  convulsive  snorts  of  the 
noble  animal  showed  his  distress;  each  instant  they 
became  more  loud  and  frequent ;  when  his  hoof  touched 
the  strand,  and  "  the  horse  and  his  rider "  stood  once 
again  in  safety  on  the  shore. 

.  Rapidly  dismounting,  the  Baron  was  loosening  the 
girtlis  of  his  demi-pique,  to  give  the  panting  animal 
breath,  when  he  was  aware  of  as  ugly  an  old  woman 
as  he  had  ever  clapped  eyes  upon,  peeping  at  him  under 
the  horse's  belly. 

"  Make  much  of  your  steed,  Robert  Shurland  !  Make 
much  of  your  steed ! "  cried  the  hag,  shaking  at  him 
her  long  and  bony  linger.  "  Groom  to  the  hide  and 
corn  to  the  manger !  lie  has  saved  your  life,  Robert 
Shurland,  for  the  nonce  ;  but  he  shall  yet  be  the  means 
of  your  losing  it,  for  all  that ! " 

The  Baron  started:  "What's  that  you  say,  you  old 
faggot  ? "  He  ran  round  by  his  horse's  tail ; — the  wo- 
man was  gone ! 

The  Baron  paused ;  his  great  soul  was  not  to  be 
shaken  by  triiies;  he  looked  around  him,  and  solemnly 
ejaculated  the  w^ord  "  Humbug  !  " — then  slinging  the 
bridle  across  his  arm,  walked  slowly  on  in  the  direction 
of  tlie  castle. 

The  a]>pearance,  and  slill  more,  the  disappearance  of 
the  crone,  had  however  made  an  impression  ;  every  step 
he   took  he  became   more   thoughtful.      "  'Twould  be 


A    LEGEND    OF    SIIEPPEY.  93 

deuced  provoking  though,  if  ho  should  break  my  neck 

after  all."     He  turned,  and  gazed  at  Dolphin  with  the 

scrutinizing  eye  of  a  veterinary  surgeon.     "  I'll  be  shot 

if  he  is  not  groggy  ! "  said  the  Baron. 

With  his  lordship,  like  another  great  Commander, 

"  Once  to  be  in  doubt,  was  once  to  be  resolved  : "  it 

would  never  do  to  go  to  the  wars  on  a  rickety  prad. 

He  dropped  the  rein,  drew  forth  Tickletoby,  and  as  the 

enfranchised  Dolphin,   good  easy  horse,  stretched   out 

his  ewe-neck  to  the  herbage,  struck  off  his  head  at  a 

single  blow.    "  There,  you  lying  old  beldame  !  "  said  the 

Baron ;  "  now  take  him  away  to  the  knacker's." 
%  %  %  *  * 

Three  years  were  come  and  gone.  King  Edward's 
French  wars  were  over;  both  parties,  having  fought  till 
they  came  to  a  stand-still,  shook  hands  ;  and  the  quarrel, 
as  usual,  was  patched  up  by  a  royal  marriage.  This 
happy  event  gave  his  Majesty  leisure  to  turn  his  atten- 
tion to  Scotland,  where  things,  through  the  intervention 
of  William  Wallace,  were  looking  rather  queerish.  As 
his  reconciliation  with  Philip  now  allowed  of  his  fight- 
ing the  Scotch  in  peace  and  quietness,  the  monarch  lost 
no  time  in  marching  his  long  legs  across  the  border, 
and  the  short  ones  of  the  Baron  followed  him  of  course. 
At  Falkirk,  Tickletoby  was  in  great  request;  and,  in 
the  yeai-  following,  we  find  a  contemporary  poet  hint- 
ing at  his  master's  prowess  under  the  walls  (>f  Caer- 
laverock, 

©bee  ciis  fu  aefefr.tfnej 
2Lt  beau  lAobrrt  He  Stjurlanti 
3^1  (ant  scoi't  sur  le  cfjebal 
^e  s  mb  oft  !)jnte  te  somcflle 


04  GREY    DOLPHIN" 

A  quatrain  which  Mr.  Simpkinson  translates, 

"  With  them  was  marching 
The  good  Robert  de  Shiirland, 
Who,  when  seated  on  horseback, 
Does  not  resemble  a  man  asleep ! " 

So  thoroughly  awake,  indeed,  does  he  seem  to  havy 
proved  himself,  that  the  bard  subsequently  exclaims,  in 
an  extasy  of  admiration, 

Sil  fe  Estofe  um  pucelette 
3e  U  tionrie  cnir  ft  rors 
Cant  est  Tic  hi  bons  If  rpcors- 

"  If  [  were  a  young  maiden, 
I  would  give  my  lieart  and  person. 
So  great  is  his  fame !" 

Fortunately  the  poet  was  a  tough  old  monk  of  Exeter ; 
since  such  a  present  to  a  nobleman,  now  in  his  grand 
climacteric,  would  hardly  have  been  worth  the  carriage. 
With  the  reduction  of  this  stronghold  of  the  Maxwells 
seem  to  have  concluded  the  Baron's  military  servic-^s ; 
as  on  the  very  first  day  of  the  fourteenth  century  we 
find  him  once  more  landed  on  his  native  shore,  and 
marching,  with  such  of  his  retainers  as  the  wars  had 
left  him,  towards  the  hospitable  shelter  of  Shurland 
Castle.  It  was  then,  upon  that  very  beach,  some  hun- 
dred yards  distant  from  high-water  mark,  that  his  eye 
fell  upon  something  like  an  ugly  old  woman  in  a  red 
cloaiv !  She  was  seated  on  what  seemed  to  be  a  large 
stone,  in  an  interesting  attitude,  with  her  elbows  resting 
upon  her  knees,  and  her  chin  upon  her  thumbs.  The 
Baron  started :  the  remembrance  of  his  interview 
with  a  similar  personage  in  the  same  place,  some  thre« 


A    LEGEND    OF    SHEl'PEr.  i?5 

years  since,  flashed  upon  his  recollection,  ile  rushed 
towards  the  spot,  but  the  form  was  gone; — nothing 
remained  but  the  seat  it  had  appeared  to  occupy.  This, 
on  examination,  turned  out  to  be  no  stone,  but  the 
whitened  skull  of  a  dead  horse ! — A  tender  remem- 
brance of  the  deceased  Grey  Dolphin  shot  a  momentary 
pang  into  the  Baron's  bosom ;  he  drew  the  back  of  his 
hand  across  his  face ;  the  thought  of  the  hag's  predic- 
tion in  an  instant  rose,  and  banished  all  softer  emotions. 
In  utter  contempt  of  his  own  weakness,  yet  with  a 
tremour  that  deprived  his  redoubtable  kick  of  half 
its  wonted  force,  he  spurned  the  relic  with  his  foot. 
One  word  alone  issued  from  his  lips,  elucidatory  of  what 
was  passing  in  his  mind, — it  long  remained  imprinted 
on  the  memory  of  his  faithful  followers, — that  word 
was  "  Gammon  ! "  The  skull  bounded  across  the  beach 
till  it  reached  the  very  margin  of  the  stream  ; — one 
instant  more  and  it  would  be  engulfed  for  ever.  At 
that  moment  a  loud  "  Ha !  ha !  ha ! "  was  distinctly 
heard  by  the  whole  train  to  issue  from  its  bleached  and 
toothless  jaws :  it  sank  beneath  the  flood  in  a  horse  laugh ! 

Meanwhile  Sir  Robert  de  Shurland  felt  an  odd  sort  of 
sensation  in  his  right  foot.  His  boots  had  suflered  in 
the  wars.  Great  pains  had  been  taken  for  their  preser- 
vation. They  had  been  "  soled"  and  "  heeled"  more 
than  once; — had  they  been  "  goloshed,"  their  owner 
might  have  defied  Fate  !  Well  has  it  been  said  that 
"  there  is  no  such  thing  as  a  trifle."  A  nobleman's  life 
depended  upon  a  question  of  ninepence  ! 

The  Baron  marched  on  ;  the  uneasiness  in  his  foot 
increased.  He  plucked  off  his  boot ; — a  horse's  tooth 
was  sticking  in  his  great  toe ! 


96  GREY    DOLPHIN. 

The  result  may  be  anticipated.  Lame  as  he  was,  liig; 
lordship,  with  characteristic  decision,  would  hobble  on 
to  Shurland  ;  his  walk  increased  the  inflammation  ;  a 
flagon  of  aqua  vitce  did  not  mend  matters.  He  was  in 
a  high  fever ;  he  took  to  his  bed.  Next  morning  the 
toe  presented  the  appearance  of  a  Bedfordshire  carrot ; 
by  dinner-time  it  had  deepened  to  beet-root ;  and  when 
Bargrave,  the  leech,  at  last  sliced  it  ofl",  the  gangrene 
was  too  confirmed  to  admit  of  remedy.  Dame  Martin 
thought  it  high  time  to  send  for  Miss  Margaret,  who, 
ever  since  her  mother's  death,  had  been  living  with  her 
maternal  aunt,  the  abbess,  in  the  Ursuline  convent  at 
Greenwich.  The  young  lady  came,  and  with  her  came 
one  Master  Ingoldsby,  her  cousin-german  by  the  mothers 
side  ;  but  the  Baron  was  too  far  gone  in  the  dead- 
thaw  to  recognise  either.  He  died  as  he  lived,  uncon- 
quered  and  unconquerable.     His  last  words  were — "  Tell 

the  old  hag  she  may  go  to ."     Whither  remains  a 

secret.  He  expired  without  fully  articulating  the  place 
of  her  destination. 

But  who  and  what  ivas  the  crone  who  prophesied  the 
catastrophe?  Ay,  "that  is  the  mystery  of  this  w^on- 
derful  history." — Some  say  it  was  Dame  Fothergill,  the 
late  confessor's  mamma ;  others,  St.  Bridget  hereelf ; 
others  thought  it  was  nobody  at  all,  but  only  a  phantom 
conjured  up  by  conscience.  As  we  do  not  know,  we 
decline  giving  an  opinion. 

And  what  became  of  the  Clerk  of  Chatham  ? — Mr. 
Simpkinson  avers  that  he  lived  to  a  good  old  age,  and 
was  at  last  hanged  by  Jack  Cade,  with  his  inkhorn 
about  his  neck,  for  "  setting  boys  copies."  In  support 
of  this  he  adduces  his  name  "  Emmanuel  "  and  refei's  to 


A     LEGEND    OF    SHEPPEY.  97 

the  liistoriaii  Shakspeare.  Mr.  Peters,  on  the  contrary, 
considers  this  to  be  what  he  calls  one  of  Mr.  Siinpkin- 
son's  "  Anacreonisms,"  inasmuch  as,  at  the  introduction 
of  Mr.  Cade's  reform  measure,  the  Clerk,  if  alive,  would 
have  been  hard  upon  two  hundred  years  old.  The 
probability  is,  that  the  unfortunate  alluded  to  was  his 
great-grand  son. 

Margaret  Shurland  in  due  course  became  Margaret 
Ingoldsby,  her  portrait  still  hangs  in  the  gallery  at  Tap- 
pington.  The  features  are  handsome,  but  shrewish,  be- 
traying, as  it  were,  a  touch  of  the  old  Baron's  tempera- 
ment ;  but  we  never  could  learn  that  she  actually  kicked 
her  husband.  She  brought  him  a  very  pretty  fortune 
in  chains,  owches,  and  Saracen  ear-rings ;  the  barony, 
being  a  male  fief,  reverted  to  the  Crown. 

In  the  abbey-church  at  Minster  may  yet  be  seen  the 
tomb  of  a  recumbent  warrior,  clad  in  the  chain-mail  of 
the  13th  century.*  His  hands  are  clasped  in  prayer ; 
his  legs,  crossed  in  that  position  so  prized  by  Templars 
in  ancient,  and  tailors  in  modern,  days,  bespeak  him  a 
soldier  of  the  ftiith  in  Palestine.  Close  behind  his  dex- 
ter calf  lies  sculptured  in  bold  relief  a  horse's  head ; 
and  a  respectable  elderly  lady,  as  she  shews  the  monu- 
ment, fails  not  to  read  her  auditors  a  fine  moral  lesson 
on  the  sin  of  ingratitude,  or  to  claim  a  sympathising 
tear  to  the  memory  of  poor  "  Grey  Dolphin  !" 

*  Subsequent  to  the  fii-st  appearance  of  the  forecroin;*  narrative,  the 
tomb  alluded  to  has  been  opened  during  the  course  of  certain  repairs  which 
the  church  has  undc^rgone.  Mr.  Simpkin<on,  who  was  present  at  the  ex- 
humation of  the  body  within,  and  has  enriched  his  coUeclion  wilh  three  of 
its  grinders,  snys  the  bones  of  one  of  the  great  toes  were  wantiiig.  He 
speaks  in  terms  of  great  admiration  at  the  thickness  of  the  skulL,  and  is  of 
opinion  that  the  skeleton  is  that  of  a  great  patriot  much  addicted  to  Lundy- 
t'ooL 


It  is  oil  my  own  personal  reminiscences  that  I  draw 
for  the  following  story  ;  the  scene  of  its  leading  event 
was  most  familiar  to  me  in  early  life.  If  the  principal 
actor  in  it  be  yet  living,  he  must  have  reached  a  very 
advanced  age.  He  was  often  at  the  Hall,  in  my  infancy, 
on  professional  visits.  It  is,  however,  only  from  those 
who  "prated  of  his  whereabouts"  that  I  learned  the 
history  of  his  adventure  with 


0d 


THE  GHOST. 

There  stands  a  City, — neither  large  nor  small. 
Its  air  and  situation  sweet  and  pretty ; 

It  matters  very  little — if  at  all — 

Whether  its  denizens  are  dull  or  witty, 

Whether  the  ladies  there  are  short  or  tall, 

Brunettes  or  blondes,  only,  there  stands  a  city  t- 

Perhaps  'tis  also  requisite  to  minute 

That  there's  a  Castle  and  a  Cobbler  in  it. 

A  fair  Cathedral,  too,  the  story  goes. 

And  kings  and  heroes  lie  entomb'd  within  her ; 

There  pious  Saints  in  marble  pomp  i-epose. 

Whose  shrines  are  worn  by  knees  of  many  a  Sinner 

There,  too,  full  many  an  Aldermanic  nose 
Roll'd  its  loud  diapason  after  dinner  ; 

And  there  stood  high  the  holy  sconce  of  Beeket;, 

— ^Till  four  assassins  came  from  France  to  crack  it. 

The  Castle  was  a  huge  and  antique  mound. 
Proof  against  all  th'  artillery  of  the  quiver, 

Ere  those  abominable  guns  were  found 

To  send  cold  lead  through  gallant  warrior's  liver. 

It  stands  upon  a  gently  rising  ground. 
Sloping  down  gradually  to  the  river, 

Resembling  (to  compare  great  things  with  smaller) 

A  well-scooped,  mouldy  Stilton  cheese, — but  taller. 

The  Keep,  I  find,  's  been  sadly  alter'd  lately. 

And,  'stead  of  mail-clad  knights,  of  honour  jealouei, 

In  martial  panoply  so  grand  and  stately. 

Its  walls  are  filled  with  -^oney-niakiiig  felloAvs. 


100  THE    onosT. 

And  stuff' J,  xmless  I  'm  misinformed  greatly, 

With  leaden  pipes,  and  coke,  and  coals,  and  bellows; 
In  short,  so  great  a  change  has  come  to  pass, 
*Tis  now  a  manufactory  of  Gas. 

But  to  my  tale. — Before  this  profanation. 

And  ere  its  ancient  glories  Avere  cut  short  nli, 

A  poor  hard-working  Cobbler  took  his  station 
In  a  small  house,  just  opposite  the  portal ; 

His  birth,  his  parentage,  and  education, 

I  know  but  little  of — a  strange,  odd  mortal 

llis  aspect,  air,  and  gait,  were  all  ridiculous ; 

His  name  was  Mason — he'd  been  christened  Nichola.s. 

Nick  had  a  wife  possessed  of  many  a  charm, 

And  of  the  Lady  Huntingdon  persuasion  ; 
But,  spite  of  all  her  piety,  her  arm 

She'd  sometimes  exercise  when  in  a  passion  ; 
And,  being  of  a  temper  somewhat  warm. 

Would  now  and  then  seize,  upon  small  occasion, 
A  stick,  or  stool,  or  anything  that  round  did  lie. 
And  baste  her  lord  and  master  most  confoundedly. 

No  matter ! — 'tis  a  thing  that's  not  uncommon, 

'Tis  what  we  all  have  heard,  and  most  have  read  of, — 

I  mean,  a  bruizing,  pugilistic  woman. 
Such  as  I  OAvn  I  entertain  a  dread  of, 

— And  so  did  Nick, — whom  sometimes  there  would  come  on 
A  sort  of  fear  his  Spouse  might  knock  his  head  off. 

Demolish  half  his  teeth,  or  drive  a  rib  in. 

She  shone  so  much  in  "facers"  and  in  "fibbing." 

nere's  time  and  place  for  all  things,"  said  a  sage, 
(King  Solomon,  I  think,)  and  this  I  can  say, 

Within  a  well-roped  ring,  or  on  a  stage, 
Boxing  may  be  a  very  pretty  Fancy, 

When  Messrs.  Burke  or  Bendigo  engage ; 

—Tis  not  so  well  in  Susan,  Jane,  or  Nancy :— 


nrE  GHOST.  101 

To  get  well  mill'd  by  any  one's  an  evil. 
But  by  a  lady — 'tis  the  very  Devil. 

And  so  thought  Nicholas,  whose  only  trouble, 
(At  least  his  worst),  was  this  his  rib's  propensity. 

For  sometimes  from  the  alehouse  he  would  hobble, 
His  senses  lost  in  a  sublime  immensity 

Of  cogitation — then  he  couldn't  cobble — 

And  then  his  wife  would  often  try  the  density 

Of  his  poor  skull,  and  strike  with  all  her  might, 

As  fast  as  kitchen-wenches  strike  a  light. 

Mason,  meek  soul,  who  ever  hated  strife, 

Of  this  same  striking  had  a  morbid  dread. 
He  hated  it  like  poison — or  his  wife — 

A  va^t  antipathy ! — but  so  he  said — 
And  very  often,  for  a  quiet  life. 

On  these  occasions  he'd  sneak  up  to  bed, 
Grope  darkling  in,  and,  soon  as  at  the  door 
lie  heard  his  lady — he'd  pretend  to  snore. 

One  night,  then,  ever  partial  to  society, 

Nick,  with  a  friend  (another  jovial  fellow). 
Went  to  a  Club — I  should  have  said  Society — 

At  the  "  City  Arms,"  once  call'd  the  Porto-Bello 
A  Spouting  party,  which,  though  some  decry  it,  I 

Consider  no  bad  lounge  when  one  is  mellow ; 
There  they  discuss  the  tax  on  salt,  and  leather, 
And  change  of  ministers  and  change  of  weather. 

In  short,  it  was  a  kind  of  British  Forum, 

Like  John  Gale  Jones's,  erst  in  Piccadilly, 
Only  they  managed  things  with  more  decorum, 

And  the  Orations  were  not  quite  so  silly ; 
Far  different  questions,  too,  would  come  before  'em, 

Not  always  Politics,  whicli,  will  ye  nill  ye, 
Their  London  prototypes  were  always  willing, 
To  give  one  quantum  snff.  of — for  a  shilling. 


102  THE    GaOST. 

It  more  resembled  one  of  later  date. 

And  tenfold  talent,  as  I'm  told  in  Bov^  «*^^reet, 

Whej'e  kindlier  natured  souls  do  congregate, 

And,  though  there  are  who  deem  that  same  a  low  street. 

Yet,  I'm  assured,  for  frolicsome  debate 

And  genuine  humour  it's  surpassed  bj  no  street, 

Wlien  the  "  Chief  Baron"  enters,  and  assumes 

To  "  rule"  o'er  mimic  "  Thesigers"  and  "  Broughams. 

Here  they  would  oft  forget  their  Rulers'  faults, 
And  waste  in  ancient  lore  the  midnight  taper, 

Inquire  if  Orpheus  first  produced  the  Waltz, 
How  Gas-lights  differ  from  the  Delphic  Vapour, 

Whether  Hippocrates  gave  Glauber's  Salts, 

And  what  the  Romans  wrote  on  ere  they'd  paper ; — 

This  night  the  subject  of  their  disquisitions 

Was  Ghosts,  Hobgoblins,  Sprites,  and  Apparitions. 

One  learned  gentleman,  "  a  sage  grave  man," 

Talk'd  of  the  Ghc  st  in  Hamlet,  "  sheath'd  in  steel  ;"— 

His  well-read  friend,  who  next  to  speak  began. 
Said,  "  Tliat  was  Poetry,  and  nothing  real ;" 

A  tliird,  of  more  extensive  learning,  ran 

To  Sir  George  Villiers'  Ghost,  and  Mrs.  Veal  ; 

Of  sheeted  Spectres  spoke  with  shorten'd  breath. 

And  thrice  he  quoted  "Drelincourt  on  Death." 

Nick  smoked,  and  smoked,  and  trembled  as  he  heard 
The  point  discussed,  and  all  they  said  upon  it, 

How,  frequently,  some  murder'd  man  appear'd. 
To  tell  his  wife  and  children  who  had  done  it; 

Or  how  a  Miser's  ghost,  with  grisly  beard, 

And  pale  lean  visage,  in  an  old  Scotch  bonnet, 

Wander'd  about  to  watch  his  buried  money ! 

When  all  at  once  Nick  heard  the  clock  strike  One, — he 

Sprang  from  his  seat,  not  doubting  but  a  lecture 
Impended  from  his  fond  and  faithful  She; 


THE    GHOST.  103 

^or  could  he  avcH  to  f>ardoii  him  expc.t  her, 
For  he  had  promiiied  to  *'  be  home  to  tea ; " 

But  having  luckily  the  key  o'  the  back  door, 
He  fondly  hoped  that,  unperceived,  he 

Might  creep  up  stairs  again,  pretend  to  doze, 

And  hoax  his  spouse  with  music  from  his  nose. 

Vain,  fruitless  hope — ^The  wearied  sentinel 

At  eve  may  overlook  the  crouching  foe, 
Till  ere  his  hand  can  sound  the  alarum-bell, 

He  sinks  beneath  the  unexpected  blow  ; 
Before  the  whiskers  of  Grimalkin  fell, 

When  slumbering  on  her  post,  the  mouse  may  go  ; — 
But  woman,  wakeful  woman,  's  never  weary, 
— ^Above  all,  when  she  waits  to  thump  her  deary., 

Soon  Mrs.  Mason  heard  the  well-known  tread ; 

She  heard  the  key  slow  creaking  in  the  door. 
Spied  through  the  gloom  obscure,  towards  the  bed 

Nick  creeping  soft^  as  oft  he  had  crept  before; 
"Wlien,  bang,  she  threw  a  something  at  his  head. 

And  Nick  at  once  lay  prostrate  on  the  floor ; 
While  she  exclaimed  with  her  indignant  face  on, — 
"How  dare  you  use  your  Avife  so,  Mr.  Mason  ?  " 

Spare  we  to  tell  how  fiercely  she  debated. 

Especially  the  length  of  her  oration, — 
Spare  we  to  tell  how  Nick  expostulated, 

Roused  by  the  bump  into  a  good  set  passion. 
So  great,  that  more  than  once  he  execrated. 

Ere  he  crawl'd  into  bed  in  his  usual  fashion , 
— ^The  Muses  hate  brawls ;  suffice  it  then  to  say, 
He  duck'd  beneath  the  clothes — and  there  he  lay ! 

'Twas  now  the  very  witching  time  of  night, 

When  churchyards  groan,  and  graves  give  up  their  .]p,a<l. 
And  many  a  mischievous,  enfranchised.  Sprite 

Had  long  since  burst  his  bonds  of  stone  or  lead, 


104  THK    GHOST. 

And  liurried  off,  with  schoolboy-like  delight, 

To  plaj  his  pranks  near  some  ]K)or  wretch's  bei 
Sleeping  perhaps  sei-enely  as  a  porpoise, 
Nor  dreaming  of  this  fiendish  Habeas  Corpus. 

Not  so  our  Nicholas,  his  meditations 

Still  to  the  same  tremendous  theme  recuiTcd, 
The  same  dread  subject  of  the  dark  narrations, 

Which,  back'd  with  such  authority,  he'd  heard 
Lost  in  his  own  horrific  contemplations, 

lie  ponder'd  o'er  each  well-remember'd  word  ; 
When  at  his  bed's  foot,  close  beside  the  post., 

IFe  vej'ily  bclievc<^l  he  saw — a  Ghost! 

Plain  and  more  plain  the  unsubstantial  Sprite 
To  his  astonished  gaze  each  moment  grew  ; 

Ghastly  and  gaunt,  it  i-ear'd  its  sliadowy  heiglit., 
Of  moi-e  than  mortal  seeming  to  the  view. 

And  round  its  long,  thin,  bony  fingei-s  drew 
A  tatter'd  winding-sheet,  of  course  all  ivkitfi  ;— 

The  moon  that  moment  peeping  through  a  cloud, 

Nick  very  plainly  saw  it  through  the  shroud! 

And  now  those  matted  locks,  which  never  yet 
Had  yielded  to  the  comb's  unkind  divorce, 

Their  long-contracted  amity  forget. 
And  spring  asunder  with  elastic  force ; 

Nay,  e'en  the  very  cap,  of  texture  coarse, 

Whose  ruby  cincture  crown'd  that  brow  of  je 

Uprose  m  agony — the  Gorgon's  head 

Was  but  a  type  of  Nick's  up-squatting  in  the  be. 

From  every  pore  distill'd  a  clammy  dew, 

Quaked  every  limb, — the  candle  too  no  doub: 

^n  regie,  zvotdd  have  burnt  extremely  blue. 
But  Nick  unluckily  had  put  it  out; 

And  he,  though  naturally  bold  and  stout, 
In  short,  was  in  a  most  tremendous  stew; — 


THE    GHOST.  105 

The  room  was  filled  with  a  sulphureous  smell, 
But  where  that  came  from  Mason  could  not  tell. 

All  motionless  the  Spectre  stood, — and  now 
Its  rev'rend  form  more  clearly  shone  eonfest ; 

From  the  pale  cheek  a  beard  of  purest  snow 
Descended  o'er  its  venerable  breast ; 

The  thin  grey  hairs,  that  crown'd  its  furrow'd  brow, 
Told  of  years  long  gone  by. — An  awful  guest 

It  stood,  and  with  an  action  of  command, 

Beckon'd  the  Cobbler  with  its  wan  right  hand. 

"  Whence,  and  what  art  thou,  Execrable  Shape  ?  " 
ISick  might  have  cried,  could  he  have  found  a  tongue, 

But  his  distended  jaws  could  only  gape. 
And  not  a  sound  upon  the  welkin  rung . 

His  gooseberry  orbs  seem'd  as  they  would  have  sprung 
Forth  from  their  socket?, — like  a  frightened  Ape 

He  sat  upon  his  haunches,  bolt  uiiriglit. 

And  shook,  and  griun'd,  and  chatter'd  with  affright. 

And  still  the  shadowy  finger,  long  and  lean, 
Now  beckon'd  Kick,  now  pointed  to  the  door ; 

And  many  an  ireful  glance,  and  frown,  between, 
The  angry  visage  of  the  Phantom  wore. 

As  if  quite  vex'd  that  Nick  would  do  no  more 
Than  stare,  without  e'en  asking,  "What  d'ye  mean  I" 

Because,  as  we  are  told, — a  sad  old  joke  too, — 

Ghosts,  like  the  ladies,  "never  speak  till  spoke  to." 

Cowards,  'tis  said,  in  certain  situations. 

Derive  a  sort  of  courage  from  despair, 
And  then  perform,  from  downright  desperation. 

Much  more  than  many  a  bolder  man  would  dare. 
Nick  saw  the  Ghost  was  getting  in  a  passion, 

And  therefore,  groping  till  he  found  the  chair. 
Seized  on  his  awl,  crept  softly  out  of  bed. 
And  follow'd  quaking  where  the  Spectre  led. 


106  THE    GHOST. 

And  down  the  winding  stair,  with  noiseless  tread, 
The  tenant  of  the  tomb  pass'd  slowly  on, 

Each  mazj  turning  of  the  humble  shed 
Seem'd  to  his  step  at  cnce  familiar  grown, 

So  safe  and  sure  the  labyrinth  did  he  tread 
As  though  tlie  domicile  had  been  his  own, 

Tliough  Nick  himself,  in  parsing  througli  the  shop, 

Had  almost  broke  his  nose  against  the  mop. 

Despite  its  wooden  bolt,  with  jarring  sound. 

The  door  upon  its  hinges  open  flew ; 
And  forth  the  Si)irit  issued, — ^yet  around 

It  turn'd  as  if  its  follower's  fears  it  knew. 
And,  once  more  beckoning,  pointed  to  the  mound, 

Tlie  antique  Keep,  on  which  the  bright  moon  tlirew 
With  such  effulgence  her  mild  silvery  gleam. 
The  visionary  form  seem'd  melting  in  her  beam. 

Beneath  a  pond'rous  archway's  sombre  shade. 
Where  once  the  huge  portcullis  swung  sublime, 

'Mid  ivied  battlements  in  ruin  laid. 
Sole,  sad  memorials  of  the  olden  time. 

The  Phantom  held  its  way, — and  though  afraid, 
Even  of  the  owls  that  sung  their  vesper  chime. 

Pale  Nicholas  pursued,  its  steps  attending, 

And  wondering  what  on  earth  it  all  would  end  in. 

Within  the  mouldering  fabric's  deep  recess 

At  length  they  reach  a  court  obscure  and  lone  ; — 

It  seem'd  a  drear  and  desolate  wilderness, 
The  blacken'd  walls  with  ivy  all  o'ergrown  ; 

The  night-bird  shriek'd  her  note  of  wild  distress, 
Disturb'd  upon  her  solitary  throne, 

As  though  indignant  mortal  step  should  dare. 

So  led,  at  such  an  hour,  to  venture  there ! 

—Tlie  Apparition  paused,  and  would  have  spoke 
Pointing  to  what  Nick  thought  an  iron  ring. 


THE    GHOST.  107 

But  then  a  ntughbouring  chanticleer  awoke, 

And  loudly  'gan  his  early  matins  sing ; 
And  then  "  it  started  like  a  guilty  thing," 

As  that  shrill  clarion  the  silence  broke. 
— We  know  how  much  dead  gentlefolks  escliew 
The  appalling  sound  of  "  Cock-a-doodle-do  !" 

Tlie  vision  was  no  more — and  Nick  alone — 
"  His  streamers  waving"  in  the  midnight  wind, 

"Which  through  the  ruins  ceased  not  to  groan  ; 

— His  garment,  too,  was  somewhat  short  behind, — 

And,  worst  of  all,  he  knew  not  where  to  find 

The  ring, — which  made  him  most  his  fate  bemoan— 

The  iron  ring — no  doubt  of  some  trap  door, 

'Neath  which  the  old  dead  Miser  kept  his  store. 

"  What's  to  be  done?"  he  cried,  "  'Twere  vain  to  stay 

Here  in  the  dark  without  a  single  clue — 
Oh,  for  a  candle  now,  or  moonlight  ray  ! 

'Fore  George,  I'm  vastly  puzzled  what  to  do," 
(Then  clapped  his  hand  behind) — "'Tis  chilly  too — 

I'll  mark  the  spot,  and  come  again  by  day. 
What  can  I  mark  it  by  ? — Oh,  here's  the  wall — 
The  mortar's  yielding — Here  I'll  stick  my  awl !" 

Then  rose  from  earth  to  sky  a  withering  shriek, 

A  loud,  a  long  protracted  note  of  woe, 
Such  aa  when  tempests  roar,  and  timbers  creak. 

And  o'er  the  side  the  masts  in  thunder  go ; 
While  on  the  deck  resistless  billows  break. 

And  drag  their  victims  to  the  gulfs  below ; — 
Such  was  the  scream  when,  for  the  want  of  candle, 
Nick  Mason  drove  his  awl  in  up  to  the  handle. 

Scared  by  his  Lady's  heart-appalling  cry. 

Vanished  at  once  poor  Mason's  golden  dream — 

For  dream  it  was ; — and  all  his  visions  high, 

Of  wealth  and  grandeur,  fled  before  that  scream — 


108  THE    GHOST. 

Aud  still  he  listens  with  averted  eye, 

When  gibing  neighbours  make  "  the  Ghost"  their  theme ; 
"While  ever  from  that  hour  they  all  declare 
That  Mrs.  Mason  used  a  cushion  in  her  chair  I 


Confound  not,  I  beseech  thee,  reader,  the  subject  of 
the  following  monody  with  the  hapless  hero  of  the  tea- 
urn,  Cupid,  of  "  Yow-Yow"-ing  memory.  Tray  was  an 
attached  favourite  of  many  years'  standing.  Most 
people  worth  loving  have  had  a  friend  of  this  kind  ; 
Lord  Byron  says  he  "  never  had  but  one,  and  here  he 
(the  dog,  not  the  no])leman,)  lies !" 


100 


THE   CYNOTAPH. 


Poor  Tray  churmant  ' 
Poor  Tray  de  mon  ^mi  I 

Dog-bury,  and  VergerM* 

Oh  !  where  shall  I  bury  mj  poor  dog  Tray, 

Now  his  fleeting  breath  has  passed  away  ? — 

Seventeen  years  I  can  venture  to  say, 

Have  I  seen  him  gambol,  and  frolic,  and  play, 

Evermore  happy,  and  frisky,  and  gay, 

As  though  every  one  of  his  months  was  May, 

And  the  whole  of  his  life  one  long  holiday— 

H'ow  he's  a  lifeless  lump  of  clay. 

Oh  !  where  shall  I  bury  my  faithful  Tray  ? 

I  am  almost  tempted  to  think  it  hard 

That  it  may  not  be  there,  in  yon  sunny  churchyard. 

Where  the  green  willows  wave 

O'er  the  peaceful  grave. 
Which  holds  all  that  once  was  honest  and  brave, 
Kind,  and  courteous,  and  faithful,  and  true ; 
Qualities,  Ti-ay,  that  were  found  in  you. 
But  it  may  not  be — yon  sacred  ground, 
By  holiest  feelings  fenced  around. 
May  ne'er  within  its  hallo w'd  bound 
Receive  the  dust  of  a  soul-less  hound. 

1  would  not  place  him  in  yonder  fane, 

Whore  the  mid-day  sun  through  the  storied  pane 

Throws  on  the  pavement  a  crimson  stain  ; 


110  THE    CYNOTAPH. 

Where  the  banners  of  ehivahy  heavily  swing 
O'er  the  pinnacled  tomb  of  the  Warrior  King, 
With  helmet  and  shield,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 

No !  come  what  maj, 

My  gentle  Tray 
Shan't  be  an  intruder  on  bluff  Harry  Tudor, 
Or  panoplied  monarchs  yet  earlier  and  ruder 

Whom  you  see  on  their  backs, 

In  stone  or  in  wax, 
Though  the  Sacristans  now  are  *'  forbidden  to  ax" 
For  what  Mister  Hume  calls  '*a  scandalous  tax  ;" 
W'hile  the  Chartists  insist  they've  a  right  to  go  snacks.- 
No  ! — Tray's  humble  tomb  would  look  but  shabby 
'Mid  the  sculptured  shrines  of  that  goi-geous  Abbey 

Besides,  in  the  ])hice 

They  say  there's  not  space 
To  bury  what  wet-nurses  call  "  a  Babby." 
Even  "Rare  Ben  Jonson,"  that  famous  wight, 
I  am  told,  is  interr'd  there  bolt  upright, 
In  just  such  a  posture,  beneath  his  bust, 
As  Tray  used  to  sit  in  to  beg  for  a  crust. 

The  epitaph,  too, 

Would  scarcely  do 
For  what  could  it  say,  but  "  Here  lies  Tray,    ' 
A  very  good  kind 'of  a  dog  in  his  day  ?" 
And  satirical  folks  might  be  apt  to  imagine  it 
Meant  as  a  quiz  on  the  House  of  Plantagenet. 


No  I  no  ! — The  abbey  may  do  very  well 
For  a  feudal  "  Nob,"  or  poetical  "  Swell," 
"Crusaders,"  or  "Poets,"  or  "Knights  of  St.  John," 
Or  Knights  of  St,  John's  Wood,  who  once  went  on 
To  the  ©astic  of  eSooUc  Hortre  ISfllinfltonnc, 
Count  Fiddle-fumkin,  and  Lord  Fiddle  faddle, 
"Sir  Craven,"  "Sir  Gael,"  and  "Sir  Campbell  of  Saddell. 
(Who,  as  poor  Hook  said,  when  he  heard  of  the  feat, 
"Was  somehow  knock'd  out  of  his  family-scat;  " 


THE    CYNOTAPH.  Ill 

The  Esquires  of  the  body 

To  my  Lord  Tomnoddy ; 
'Sir  Fah'lie,"  "Sir  Lamb," 
And  the  "  Knight  of  the  Ram," 
The  "Knight  of  the  Rose,"  and  the  "Knight  of  the  Dragon," 

Who,  save  at  the  flagon, 

And  prog  in  the  wagon, 
The  newspapers  tell  us  did  little  "  to  brag  on  ;  " 
And  more,  though  the  Muse  knows  but  littFe  concerning  'em, 
"Sir  Hopkins,"  "Sir  Popkins,"  "Sir  Gage,"  and  "Sir  Jerning 

ham." 
All  Preux  Chevaliers,  in  friendly  rivalry 
Who  should  best  bring  back  the  glory  of  Chi-valry. — 
— (Pray  be  so  good,  for  the  sake  of  my  song. 
To  pronounce  here  the  ante-penultimate  long ; 
Or  some  hyper-critic  will  certainly  cry, 
"The  word  '  Chivalry'  is  but  a  'rhyme  to  the  eye.' " 

And  I  own  it  is  clear 

A  fastidious  ear 
Will  be,  more  or  less,  always  annoy'd  with  you  when  you  in 
sert  any  rhyme  that 's  not  perfectly  genuine. 

As  to  pleasing  the  "  eye  " 

'Tisn't  worth  while  to  try, 
Since  Moore  and  Tom  Campbell  themselves  admit  "  Spinach  * 
Is  perfectly  antiphonetic  to  "  Greenwich.") — 
But  stay ! — I  say ! — 
Let  me  pause  while  I  may — • 
This  digression  is  leading  me  sadly  astray 
From  my  object — A  grave  for  my  poor  dog  Tray  I 

1  woidd  not  place  him  beneath  thy  walls, 

And  proud  o'ershadowing  dome,  St.  Paul's ! 

Though  I  've  always  eonsider'd  Sir  Christopher  Wren, 

As  an  architect,  one  of  the  greatest  of  men ; 

And, — talking  of  Epitaphs, — Much  I  admire  his, 

"  Circumsplce,  si  Monumentmn  requiris;" 

Which  an  erudite  Verger  translated  to  me, 

"  K  vou  ask  for  his  moniuneat,  Sir-come-spii-see  ! — ^ 


112  THE    C'VI^OTAPH. 

No !— I  should  not  know  where 

To  place  him  there ; 
I  would  not  have  him  by  surlj  Johnson  be; — 
Or  that  queer-looking  horse  that  is  rolling  on  Ponsonby  ;— 

Or  those  ugly  minxes 

The  sister  Sphynxes, 
Mix'd  creatures,  half  lady,  half  lioness,  ergo, 
(Denon  says,)  the  emblems  of  Leo  and  Virgo  ; 
On  one  of  the  back?  of  which  singular  jumble, 
Sir  Ralph  Abercrombie  is  going  to  tumble, 
With  a  thump  which  alone  were  enough  to  despatch  him, 
If  the  Scotchman  in  front  shouldn't  happen  to  catch  him. 

No!  I'd  not  have  him  there, — nor  nearer  the  door. 
Where  the  man  and  the  Angel  have  got  Sir  John  Moore,* 
And  are  quietly  letting  him  down  through  the  floor, 
By  Gillespie,  the  one  who  escaped,  at  Vellore, 

Alone  from  the  row  ; — 

Neither  he,  nor  Lord  Howe 
Would  like  to  be  plagued  with  a  little  Bow-wow. 

No,  Tray,  we  must  yield, 

And  go  further  a-field  ; 
To  lay  you  by  Nelson  were  downright  effront'ry ; 
— We'll  be  off  from  the  City,  and  look  at  the  country. 

It  shall  not  be  there, 

In  that  sepulchred  square, 
Where  folks  are  interr'd  for  the  sake  of  the  air, 
(Though,  pay  but  the  dues,  they  could  hardly  refuse 
To  Tray  what  they  grant  to  Thuggs,  and  Hindoos, 
Turks,  Infidels,  Heretics,  Jumpers,  and  Jews,) 

Where  the  tombstones  are  placed 

In  the  very  best  taste. 

At  the  feet  and  the  head 

Of  the  elegant  Dead, 
And  no  one's  received  who's  not  ''buried  in  lead: 

•  See  note  at  end  of  "  T!ip  Cynotaph." 


TllK    CVNOTAPH.  113 

For,  there  lie  the  bones  of  Deputy  Jones, 
Wliorn  the  widow's  tears,  and  the  orphan's  groans 
Affected  as  much  as  they  do  the  stones 
His  executors  laid  on  the  Deputy's  bones ; 

Little  rest,  poor  knave  ! 

Would  Tray  have  in  his  graye  ; 

Since  Spirits,  'tis  plain, 

Are  sent  back  again, 
To  roam  round  their  bodies, — the  bad  ones  in  pair,,  - 
Dragging  after  them  sometimes  a  heavy  jack  chain  ; 
Whenever  the}'-  met,  alarm'd  by  its  groans,  his 
Ghost  all  night  long  Avould  be  barking  at  Jones's. 

Nor  shall  he  be  laid 

By  that  cross  Old  Maid, 
Miss  Penelope  Bird, — of  whom  it  is  said 
All  the  dogs  in  the  parish  were  ever  afraid. 

lie  must  not  be  placed 

By  one  so  strait-laced 
In  her  temper,  her  taste,  and  her  morals,  and  waist. 
For,  'tis  said,  when  she  went  up  to  heaven,  and  St.  I'eteC, 

Who  happened  to  meet  her, 

Came  forward  to  greet  her 
She  pursed  up  with  scorn  every  vinegar  feature, 
And  bade  him  "  Get  out  for  a  horrid  Male  Creature  I " 
So,  the  Saint,  after  looking  as  if  he  could  eat  her, 
Not  knowing,  perhaps,  very  well  how  to  treat  her, 
And  not  being  willing, — or  al)le, — to  beat  her, 
Sent  her  back  to  her  giave  till  her  temper  grew  sweeter, 
With  an  epithet — which  I  decline  to  repeat  here. 

No, — if  Tray  were  interr'd 

By  Penelope  Bird, 
No  dog  would  be  e'er  so  be-"  whelp  "  'd  and  be-"cur''r'd— 
All  the  night  long  her  cantankerous  Sprite 
■Would  be  running  about  in  the  pale  moon-light, 
Chasing  him  round,  and  attempting  to  lick 
llie  ghost  of  poor  Tray  with  the  ghost  of  a  stick 


1 14  THE    CVNOTAPH. 

Stay  !— let  me  see ! — 

Ay — here  it  shall  be 
At  the  root  of  this  gnarled  and  time-worn  tree, 

Where  Tray  and  I 

Would  often  lie, 
And  watch  the  bright  clouds  as  they  floated  by 
In  the  broad  expanse  of  the  clear  bhie  sky, 
When  the  sun  was  bidding  the  world  good  b'ye  j 
And  the  plaintive  Nightingale,  warbling  nigh, 
Pour'd  forth  her  mournful  melody  ; 
While  the  tender  Wood-pigeon's  cooing  cry 
Has  made  me  say  to  myself,  with  a  sigh, 
"  How  nice  you  would  eat  with  a  steak  in  a  pie !  " 

Ay,  here  it  shall  be ! — far.  far  from  the  view 
Of  the  noisy  world  and  its  maddening  crew. 

Simj)]e  and  few, 

Tender  and  true 
The  lines  o'er  his  grave. — They  have,  some  of  them  too, 
The  advantage  of  being  remarkably  new. 

Epitaph. 

Affliction  8or4j 

Long  time  he  bore, 
Physicians  were  in  vain ! — 

Grown  blind,  alaa!  lie'<.l 

Some  Prussic  Acid, 
And  that  put  him  out  of  his  pain! 


Note,  page  112. 


In  the  autumn  of  1824,  Captain  Medwin  having  hinted 
that  certain  beautiful  lines  on  the  burial  of  this  gallant 
officer  might  liave  been  the  production  of  Lord  Byron's 
Muse,  the  late  Mr.  Sydney  Taylor,  somewhat  indignant- 


THE    CYNOTAPH.  115 

iy,  claimed  them  for  tlieir  rightful  owner,  the  late  Rev. 
Charles  Wolfe.  During  the  controversy  a  third  claim- 
ant started  up  in  the  person  of  a  soi-disant  "  Doctor 
Marshall,"  who  turned  out  to  be  a  Durham  blacksmith, 
and  his  pretensions  a  hoax.  It  was  then  that  a  certain 
"  Doctor  Peppercorn  "  put  forth  his  pretensions  to  what 
he  averred  was  the  only  "  true  and  original "  version, 
viz. : — 

Not  a  sous  had  he  got, — not  a  guinea  or  note, 

And  he  looked  confoundedly  flurried, 
As  he  bolted  away  without  paying  his  shot, 

And  the  Landlady  after  him  hurried. 

We  saw  him  again  at  dead  of  night, 

When  home  from  the  Club  returning: 

We  twigg'd  the  Doctor  beneath  the  liirht 
Of  the  gas-lamp  brilliantly  burning. 

All  bare,  and  exposed  to  the  midnight  dews. 

Reclined  in  the  gxitter  we  found  him ; 
And  he  look'd  like  a  gentleman  taking  a  snooze. 

With  his  Marshall  cloak  around  him. 

"Tlie  Doctor  's  as  drunk  as  the  d ,"  w^e  said. 

And  we  managed  a  shutter  to  borrow ; 

We  raised  him,  and  sigh'd  at  the  thought  that  his  heaa 
Would  "  consumedly  ache  "  on  the  morrow. 

We  bore  him  home,  and  we  put  him  to  bed, 
And  we  told  his  wife  and  his  daughter 

To  give  him,  next  morning,  a  couple  of  red 
Herrings,  with  soda-water. — 

Loudly  they  talk'd  of  his  money  that 's  gone, 

And  his  Lady  began  to  upbraid  him  ; 
But  little  he  reck'd,  so  they  let  him  snore  on 

'Neath  the  counterpane  just  as  we  laid  hiin. 


116  THE    CVNOTAPH. 

We  tuck'd  him  in,  and  had  hardly  done 
When,  beneath  the  window  calling, 

We  heard  the  rough  voice  of  a  son  of  a  gun 
Of  a  watchman  "  One  o'clock  1"  bawling 

Slowly  and  sadly  we  all  walked  down 

From  his  room  in  the  uppermost  story; 

A  rushlight  we  placed  on  the  cold  hearth-stone, 
And  we  left  him  alone  in  his  glory  1 1 


Hos  ego  versiculos  feci,  tiilit  alter  lionores. 

ViRaiL. 

I  wrote  the  lines — *  ^^  owned  them — he  told  stories  ! 

TuoMAs  Ingoldsby 


117 


MRS.  BOTHERBY'S  STORY. 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE. 


Reader,  were  you  ever  bewitched  ? — I  do  not  mean 
t>y  a  "  white  wencli's  bhick  eye,"  or  by  love-potions  im- 
bibed from  a  ruby  lip ; — but,  were  you  ever  really  and 
bond  fide  bewitched,  in  the  true  Matthew  Hopkins  sense 
of  the  word  ?  Did  you  ever,  for  instance,  find  yourself 
from  head  to  heel  one  vast  complication  of  cramps  ? — 
or  burst  out  into  sudorific  exudation  like  a  cold  thaw, 
with  the  thermometer  at  zero  ? — Were  your  eyes  ever 
turned  upside  down,  exhibiting  nothing  but  their 
whites  ? — Did  you  ever  vomit  a  paper  of  crooked  pins  ? 
or  expectorate  Whitechapel  needles  ? — These  are  genu- 
ine and  undoubted  marks  of  possession ;  and  if  you 
never  experienced  any  of  them, — why,  "  happy  man  be 
his  dole !" 

Yet  such  things  have  been  :  yea,  we  are  assured,  and 
that  on  no  moan  authority,  still  are. 

The  World,  according  to  the  best  geographers,  is 
divided  into  Europe,  Asia,  Africa,  America,  and  Romney 
Marsh.  In  this  last-named,  and  fifth,  quarter  of  the 
globe,  a  Witch  may  still  be  occasionally  discovered  in 
favourable,  i.  e.  stormy  seasons,  weathering  Dungeness 
Point  in  an  egg-shell,  or  careering  on  her  broomstick 


118  MRS.    BOTIIERDV'S    STORV. 

over  Djmchui'ch  wall.  A  cow  may  yet  be  sometimes 
seen  galloping  like  mad,  with  tail  erect,  and  an  old  pair 
of  breeches  on  her  horns,  an  unerring  guide  to  the  door 
of  the  crone  whose  magic  arts  have  drained  her  udder. 
T  do  not,  however,  remember  to  have  heard  that  any 
Conjuror  has,  of  late,  been  detected  in  the  district. 

Not  many  miles  removed  from  the  verge  of  this 
recondite  region,  stands  a  collection  of  houses,  which 
its  maligners  call  a  fishing-town,  and  its  well-wishers  a 
Watering-place.  A  limb  of  one  of  the  Cinque  Ports,  it 
has,  (or  lately  had,)  a  corporation  of  its  own,  and  has 
been  thought  considerable  enough  to  give  a  second 
title  to  a  noble  family.  Rome  stood  on  seven  hills ; 
Folkestone  seems  to  have  been  built  upon  seventy. 
Its  streets,  lanes,  and  alleys, — fanciful  distinctions  with- 
out much  real  ditierence, — are  agreeable  enough  to  per- 
sons who  do  not  mind  running  up  and  down  stairs ; 
and  the  only  inconvenience  at  all  felt  by  such  of  its 
inhabitants  as  are  not  asthmatic,  is  when  some  heedless* 
urchin  tumbles  down  a  chimney,  or  an  impertinent 
pedestrian  peeps  into  a  garret  window. 

At  the  eastern  extremity  of  the  town,  on  the  sea- 
beach,  and  scarcely  above  high  water  mark,  stood,  in 
the  good  old  times,  a  row  of  houses  then  denominated 
"  Frog-hole."  Modern  refinement  subsequently  eupho- 
nized the  name  into  "  East  street ;"  but  "  what's  in  a 
name  ?" — the  encroachments  of  Ocean  have  long  since 
levelled  all  in  one  common  ruin. 

Here,  in  the  early  part  of  the  seventeenth  century, 
flourished  in  somewhat  doubtful  reputation,  but  com- 
parative opulence,  a  compounder  of  medicines,  one 
Master  Erasmus   Buckthorne ;    the   effluvia   of   wliose 


THE    LEECH    OF    lOLKESTONE.  119 

drug:*  from  witliin,  mingling  agreeably  with  the  "  ancient 
and  fish-like  smells"  from  without,  wafted  a  delicious 
perfume  throughout  the  neighbourhood. 

At  seven  of  the  clock,  on  the  morning  when  Mrs. 
Botherby's  narrative  commences,  a  stout  Suffolk  "  punch," 
about  thirteen  hands  and  a  half  in  height,  was  slowly 
led  up  and  down  before  the  door  of  the  pharmacopolist 
by  a  lean  and  withered  lad,  whose  appearance  warranted 
an  opinion,  pretty  generally  expressed,  that  his  master 
found  him  as  useful  in  experimentalizing  as  in  house- 
hold drudgery ;  and  that,  for  every  pound  avoirdupoise 
of  solid  meat,  he  swallowed,  at  the  least,  two  pounds 
troy  weight  of  chemicals  and  galenicals.  As  the  town 
clock  struck  the  quarter.  Master  Buckthorne  emerged 
from  liis  laboratory,  and,  putting  the  key  carefully  into 
his  pocket,  mounted  the  surefooted  cob  aforesaid,  and 
proceeded  up  and  down  the  acclivities  and  declivities  of 
the  town  with  the  gravity  due  to  his  station  and  pro- 
fession. When  he  reached  the  open  country,  his  pace 
was  increased  to  a  sedate  canter,  which,  in  somewhat 
more  than  Jialf  an  hour,  brought  "  the  horse  and  liis 
rider  "  in  front  of  a  handsome  and  substantial  mansion, 
the  numerous  gable-ends  and  bayed  windows  of  which 
bespoke  the  owner  a  man  of  worship,  and  one  well  to 
do  in  the  world. 

"  How  now,  Hodge  Gardener  ?"  quoth  the  Leech, 
scarcely  drawing  bit ;  for  Punch  seemed  to  be  aware 
that  he  had  reached  his  destination,  and  paused  of  his 
own  accord  ;  "  How  now,  man  ?  How  fares  thine  em- 
ployer, worthy  Master  Marsh  ?  How  hath  lie  done  ^ 
How  hath  he  slept  ? — My  potion  hath  done  its  office 
Ha!" 


120  MKS.    BOTHERBY'S    STORY. 

"  Alack  !  ill  at  ease,  worthy  sir — ill  at  ease,"  returned 
the  hind  ;  "  his  honour  is  up  and  stirring ;  but  he  hatb 
rested  none,  and  complaineth  that  the  same  gnawing 
pain  devoureth,  as  it  were,  his  very  vitals ;  in  sooth  he 
is  ill  at  ease." 

"  Morrow,  doctor !"  interrupted  a  voice  from  a  case- 
ment opening  on  the  lawn.  "  Good  morrow !  I  have 
looked  for,  longed  for,  thy  coming  this  hour  and  more ; 
enter  at  once  ;  the  pasty  and  tankard  are  impatient  for 
thine  attack ! " 

"  Marry,  Heaven  forbid  that  I  should  baulk  their 
fancy!"  quoth  the  Leech  sotto  voce^  as,  abandoning  the 
bridle  to  honest  Hodge,  he  dismounted,  and  followed  a 
buxom-looking  handmaiden  into  the  breakfast  parlour. 

There,  at  the  head  of  his  well-furnished  board,  sat 
Master  Thomas  Marsh,  of  Marston-hall,  a  Yeoman  well 
respected  in  his  degree:  one  of  that  sturdy  and  sterling 
class  which,  taking  rank  immediately  below  the  Esquire, 
(a  title  in  its  origin  purely  military,)  occupied,  in  the 
wealthier  counties,  the  position  in  society  now  jfilied  by 
the  Country  Gentleman.  He  was  one  of  those  of  whom 
the  proverb  ran  : 

"  A  Knight  of  Cales, 
A  GeuUeinan  of  Wales, 

And  a  Laird  of  tlie  North  Coiintree  ; 
A  Yeoman  of  Kent, 
With  his  yearly  rent, 

Will  buy  them  out  all  three  1" 

A  cold  sirloin,  big  enough  to  frighten  a  Frenchman, 
filled  the  place  of  honour,  counter-checked  by  a  game- 
pie  of  no  stinted  dimensions ;  while  a  silver  flagon  of 
"humming-bub," — viz.  ale  strong    enough    to   blow  a 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  121 

man's  beaver  off, — smiled  opposite  in  treaclierous 
amenity.  The  sideboard  groaned  beneath  sundry 
massive  cups  and  waiters  of  the  purest  silver ;  while  the 
huge  skull  of  a  fallow  deer,  with  its  branching  horns, 
frowned  majestically  above.  All  spoke  of  affluence,  of 
comfort, — all  save  the  master,  whose  restless  eye  and 
feverish  look  hinted  but  too  plainly  the  severest  mental 
or  bodily  disorder.  By  the  side  of  the  proprietor  of  the 
mansion  sat  his  consort,  a  lady  now  past  the  bloom  of 
youth,  yet  still  retaining  many  of  its  charms.  The  clear 
olive  of  her  complexion,  and  "  the  darkness  of  her  Anda- 
lusian  eye,"  at  once  betrayed  her  foreign  origin  ;  in  fact, 
her  "  lord  and  master,"  as  husbands  were  even  then,  by 
a  legal  fiction,  denominated,  had  taken  her  to  his  bosom 
in  a  foreign  country.  The  cadet  of  his  family,  Master 
Thomas  Marsh,  had  early  in  life  been  engaged  in  com- 
merce. In  the  pursuit  of  his  vocation  he  had  visited 
Antwerp,  Hamburg,  and  most  of  the  Hanse  Towns ;  and 
had  already  formed  a  tender  connexion  with  the  orphan 
offspring  of  one  of  old  Alva's  officers,  when  the  unex- 
pected deaths  of  one  immediate,  and  two  presumptive, 
heirs  placed  him  next  in  succession  to  the  family  acres. 
He  married,  and  brought  home  his  bride ;  who,  by  the 
decease  of  the  venerable  possessor,  heart-broken  at  the 
loss  of  his  elder  children,  became  eventually  lady  of 
Marston-Hall.  It  has  been  said  that  she  was  beautiful, 
yet  was  her  beauty  of  a  character  that  operates  on  the 
fancy  more  than  the  affections;  she  was  one  to  be 
admired  rather  than  loved.  The  proud  curl  of  her  lip, 
the  firmness  of  her  tread,  her  arched  brow,  and  stately 
carriage,  showed  the  decision,  not  to  say  haughtiness,  of 
ner  soul;    while  her  glances,  whether  lightening  with 

FIRST    SEFJES.  Q 


122  MRS.    BOTHERBYS    STORY. 

anger,  or  melting  in  extreme  softness,  betrayed  the 
existence  of  passions  as  intense  in  kind  as  opposite  in 
quality.  She  rose  as  Erasmus  entered  the  parlour,  and, 
bestowing  on  him  a  look  fraught  with  meaning,  quitted 
the  room,  leaving  him  in  unrestrained  communication 
with  his  patient. 

"  'Fore  George,  Master  Buckthorne  !"  exclaimed  the 
latter,  as  the  Leech  drew  near,  "  I  will  no  more  of  your 
pharmacy  ; — burn,  burn — gnaw,  gnaw, — I  had  as  lief 
the  foul  fiend  w^ere  in  my  gizzard  as  one  of  your  drugs. 
Tell  me  in  the  devil's  name,  what  is  the  matter  with  me !" 

Thus  conjured,  the  practitioner  paused,  and  even 
turned  somewhat  pale.  There  was  a  perceptible  falter- 
ing in  his  voice,  as,  evading  the  question,  he  asked, 
"  What  say  ycnr  other  physicians  ?" 

"  Doctor  Phiz  says  it  is  wind, — Doctor  Fuz  says  it  is 
water, — and  Doctor  Buz  says  it  is  something  between 
wind  and  water." 

"  They  are  all  of  them  wrong,"  said  Erasmus  Buck- 
thorne. 

"Truly,  I  think  so,"  returned  the  patient.  "Thej 
are  manifest  asses ;  but  you,  good  Leech,  you  are  a  hors^ 
of  another  colour.  The  world  talks  loudly  of  your 
learning,  your  skill,  and  cunning  in  arts  the  most 
abstruse ;  nay,  sooth  to  say,  some  look  coldly  on  you 
therefore,  and  stickle  not  to  aver  that  you  are  cater- 
cousin  with  Beelzebub  himself." 

"  It  is  ever  the  fate  of  science,"  murmured  the  profes- 
sor, "  to  be  maligned  by  the  ignorant  and  superstitious. 
But  a  truce  with  such  folly ; — let  me  examine  your 
palate." 

Master  Marsh  thrust  out  a  tongue  long,  clear,  and  red 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  123 

as  beet-root.  "  There  is  nothing  wrong  there,''  said  tlie 
Leech.  "  Your  wrist : — no  ; — the  pulse  is  firm  and 
regular,  the  skin  cool  and  temperate.  Sir,  there  is 
nothing  the  matter  with  you  !" 

"  Nothing  the  matter  with  me.  Sir  'Potecary  ? — Bui 
I  tell  you  there  is  the  matter  with  me, — much  the 
matter  with  me.  Why  is  it  that  something  seems  ever 
gnawing  at  my  heart-strings  ? — Whence  this  pain  in 
the  region  of  the  liver  ? — Why  is  it  that  I  sleep  not  o' 
nights, — rest  not  o'  days  ?     Why " 

"  You  are  fidgety.  Master  Marsh,"  said  the  doctor. 

Master  Marsh's  brow  grew  dark ;  he  half  rose  from 
bis  seat,  supported  himself  by  both  hands  on  the  arms 
of  his  elbow-chair,  and  in  accents  of  mingled  anger  and 
astonishment  repeated  the  word  "  Fidgety  !" 

"  Ay,  fidgety,"  returned  the  doctor  calmly.  "  Tut, 
man,  there  is  naught  ails  thee  save  thine  own  over-ween- 
ing fancies.  Take  less  of  food,  more  air,  put  aside  thy 
flagon,  call  for  thy  horse ;  be  boot  and  saddle  the  word ! 
Why, — hast  thou  not  youth  ? — " 

"  I  have,"  said  the  p-atient. 

"  Wealth  and  a  fair  domain  ?" 

"  Granted,"  quoth  Marsh  cheerily. 

"And  a  fair  wife?" 

"  Yea,"  was  the  response,  but  in  a  tone  something  les? 
satisfied. 

"  Then  arouse  thee,  man,  shake  oft*  this  fantasy, 
betake  thyself  to  thy  lawful  occasions, — use  thy  good 
lap, — follow  thy  pleasures,  and  think  no  more  of  these 
fancied  ailments." 

"  But  I  tell  you,  master  mine,  these  ailments  are  not 
fancied.     I  lose  my  rest.  I  loathe  my  food,  my  doublet 


124  MRS.    BOTHERBYS    STORY. 

site  loosely  on  me, — these  racking  pains.  My  wife,  top, 
when  I  meet  her  gaze,  the  cold  sweat  stands  on  my 

forehead,  and  I  could  almost  think ^"     Marsh  paused 

abruptly,  mused  awhile,  then  added,  looking  steadily  at 
his  visitor,  "  These  things  are  not  right ;  they  pass  the 
common,  Master  Erasmus  Buckthorne." 

A  slight  shade  crossed  the  brow  of  the  Leech,  but  its 
passage  was  momentary  ;  his  features  softened  to  a  smile 
in  which  pity  seemed  slightly  blended  with  contempt. 
"  Have  done  with  such  follies.  Master  Marsh.  You  are 
well,  an  you  would  but  think  so.  Ride,  I  say,  hunt, 
shoot,  do  anything,  —  disperse  these  melancholic 
humours,  and  become  yom-self  again." 

"  Well,  I  will  do  your  bidding,"  said  Marsh,  thought- 
fully. "  It  may  be  so  ;  and  yet, — but  I  will  do  your 
bidding.  Master  Cobbe  of  Brenzet  writes  me  that  he 
hath  a  score  or  two  of  fat  ewes  to  be  sold  a  penny- 
worth ;  I  had  thought  to  have  sent  Ralph  Looker,  but 
I  will  essay  to  go  myself.  Ho,  there  ! — saddle  me  the 
brown  mare,  and  bid  Ralph  be  ready  to  attend  me  on 
the  gelding." 

An  expression  of  pain  contracted  the  features  of 
Master  Marsh  as  he  rose  and  slowly  quitted  the 
apartment  to  prepare  for  his  journey  ;  while  the 
Leech,  having  bidden  him  farewell,  vanished  through 
an  opposite  door,  and  betook  himself  to  the  private 
boudour  of  the  fair  mistress  of  Marston,  muttering 
as  he  went  a  quotation  from  a  then  newly-published 
play, 

"Not  poppy,  nor  mandragora, 
Nor  all  the  drowsy  syrups  of  the  world, 
Shall  ever  medicine  thee  to  that  sweet  sleep, 
Which  thou  own'dst  yesterday." 
***** 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  125 

Of  what  passed  at  this  interv.ew  between  the 
Folkestone  doctor  and  the  fair  Spaniard,  Mrs.  BotheK'^y 
declares  she  could  never  obtain  any  satisfactory  elucidav 
tion.  Not  that  tradition  is  silent  on  the  subject, — quite 
the  contrary ;  it  is  the  abundance,  not  paucity,  of  the 
materials  she  supplies,  and  the  consequent  embarrass- 
ment of  selection,  that  makes  the  difficulty.  Some 
have  averred  that  the  Leech,  whose  character,  as  has 
been  before  hinted,  was  more  than  threadbare,  employed 
his  time  in  teaching  her  the  mode  of  administering 
certain  noxious  compounds,  the  unconscious  partaker 
whereof  would  pine  and  die  so  slowly  and  gradually  as 
to  defy  suspicion.  Others  there  were  who  affirmed  that 
i^ucifer  himself  was  then  and  there  raised  in  proprid 
permnd,  with  all  his  personal  attributes  of  horn  and 
hoof.  In  support  of  this  assertion,  they  adduce  the  testi- 
mony of  the  "aforesaid  buxom  housemaid,  who  protested 
that  the  Hall  smelt  that  evening  like  a  manufactory  of 
matches.  All,  however,  seemed  to  agree  that  the  con- 
fabulation, whether  human  or  infernal,  was  conducted 
with  profound  secresy,  and  protracted  to  a  considerable 
length  ;  that  its  object,  asftir  as  could  be  divined,  meant 
anything  but  good  to  the  head  of  the  family  ;  that  the 
lady,  moreover,  was  heartily  tired  of  her  husband  ;  and 
that,  in  the  event  of  his  removal  by  disease  or  casualty, 
Master  Erasmus  Buckthorne,  albeit  a  great  philosophist, 
would  have  no  violent  objection  to  "  throw  physic  to 
the  dogs,"  and  exchange  his  laboratory  for  the  estate 
of  Marston,  its  hve  stock  included.  Some,  too,  have 
inferred  that  to  him  did  Madam  Isabel  seriously  incline  ; 
while  others  have  thought,  induced  perhaps  by  subscr 
quent  events,  that  she  was  merely'  using  him  for  he? 


126  MRS.  hotherby's  story. 

purposes  ;  that  one  Jose,  a  tall,  bright-eyed,  hook- 
nosed stripling  from  her  native  land,  was  a  personage 
not  unlikely  to  put  a  spoke  in  the  doctor's  wheel ;  and  that 
should  such  a  chance  arise,  the  Sage,  wise  as  he  was, 
would  after  all  run  no  slight  risk  of  being  "  bamboozled." 

Master  Jose  was  a  youth  well-favoured,  and  ccmely 
to  look  upon.  His  office  was  that  of  page  to  the  dame ; 
an  office  which,  after  long  remaining  in  abeyance,  has 
been  of  late  years  revived,  as  may  well  be  seen  in  the 
persons  of  sundry  smart  hobbledehoys,  now  constantly  to 
be  met  with  on  staircases  and  in  boudoirs,  clad,  for  the 
most  part,  in  garments  fitted  tightly  to  the  shape,  the 
(ower  moiety  adorned  with  a  broad  stripe  of  crimson  or 
silver  lace,  and  the  upper  with  what  the  first  Wit  of 
our  times  has  described  as  "  a  favourable  eruption  of 
buttons."  The  precise  duties  of  this  employment  have 
never,  as  far  as  we  have  heard,  been  accurately  defined. 
The  perfuming  a  handkerchief,  the  combing  a  lap-dog, 
and  the  occasional  presentation  of  a  sippet-shaped  billet- 
doux^  are,  and  always  have  been,  among  them  ;  but 
these  a  young  gentleman  standing  five  foot  ten,  and 
aged  nineteen  "  last  grass,"  might  well  be  supposed  to 
have  outgrown.  Jose,  however,  kept  his  place,  perhaps 
because  he  was  not  fit  for  any  other.  To  the  confer- 
ences between  his  mistrees  and  physician  he  had  not 
been  admitted  ;  his  post  was  to  keep  watch  and  ward 
in  the  ante-room  ;  and,  when  the  interview  was  con- 
cluded, he  attended  the  lady  and  her  visitor  as  far  as 
the  court-yard,  where  he  held,  with  all  due  respect,  the 
stirrup  for  the  latter,  as  he  once  more  resumed  his 
position  on  the  lack  of  Punch. 

Who   was   it   that   says  "little  pitchers  have  large 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  127 

ears  T'  Some  deep  metaphysician  of  the  potteries,  who 
might  have  added  that  they  have  also  quick  eyes,  and 
sometimes  silent  tongues.  There  was  a  little  meta- 
phorical piece  of  crockery  of  this  class,  who,  screened 
by  a  huge  elbow-chair,  had  sat  a  quiet  and  unobserved 
spiectator  of  the  whole  proceedings  between  her  mamma 
and  Master  Erasmus  Buckthorne.  This  ^vas  Miss 
Marian  Marsh,  a  rosy-cheeked  laughter-loving  imp  of 
some  six  years  old  ;  but  one  who  could  be  mute  as  a 
mouse  when  the  fit  was  on  her.  A  handsome  and 
highly  polished  cabinet  of  the  darkest  ebony  occupied 
a  recess  at  one  end  of  the  apartment ;  this  had  long  been 
a  great  subject  of  speculation  to  little  ISIiss.  Her 
curiosity,  however,  had  always  been  repelled ;  nor  had 
all  her  coaxing  ever  won  her  an  inspection  of  the  thou- 
sand and  one  pretty  things  which  its  recesses  no  doubt 
contained.  On  this  occasion  it  was  unlocked,  and 
Marian  was  about  to  rush  forward  in  eager  anticipation 
of  a  peep  at  its  interior,  when,  cliild  as  she  was,  the 
reflection  struck  her  that  she  would  stand  a  better 
chance  of  carrying  her  point  by  remaining  perdue. 
Fortune  for  once  favoured  her  :  she  crouched  closer 
than  before,  and  saw  her  mother  take  something  from 
one  of  the  drawers,  which  she  handed  over  to  the 
Leech.  Strange  mutterings  followed,  and  words  whose 
sounds  were  foreign  to  her  youthful  ears.  Had  she 
been  older,  their  import,  perhaps,  might  have  been 
equally  unknown.  After  a  while  there  was  a  pause ; 
and  then  the  lady,  as  in  answer  to  a  requisition  from 
the  gentleman,  placed  in  his  hand  a  something  which 
she  took  from  her  toilet.  The  transaction,  whatever  its 
nature,  seemed  now  to  be  complete,  and  the  article  wa? 


128 

carefully  replaced  in  the  drawer  fpom  which  it  had  beec 
taken.  A  long,  and  apparently  interesting,  conversa- 
tion then  took  place  between  the  parties,  carried  on  in 
a  low  tone.  At  its  termination,  Mistress  Marsh  and 
Master  Erasmus  Buckthorne  quitted  the  boudoir  toge- 
ther. But  the  cabinet ! — ay,  that  was  left  unfastened  * 
the  folding-doors  still  remained  invitingly  expanded,  the 
bunch  of  keys  dangling  from  the  lock.  In  an  instant 
the  spoiled  child  was  in  a  chair;  the  drawer  so  recently 
closed,  yielded  at  once  to  her  hand,  and  her  hurried 
researches  were  rewarded  by  the  prettiest  little  waxen 
tloll  imaginable.  It  was  a  firet-rate  prize,  and  Miss 
lost  no  time  in  appropriating  it  to  herself.  Long 
before  Madame  Marsh  had  returned  to  her  Sanctum^ 
Marian  was  seated  under  a  laurustinus  in  the 
garden,  nursing  her  new  baby  with  the  most  affec- 
tionate solicitude. 

***** 

"  Susan,  look  here  ;  see  what  a  nasty  scratch  I  have 
got  upon  my  hand,"  said  the  young  lady,  when  routed 
out  at  length  from  her  hiding  place  to  her  noontide 
meal. 

"  Yes,  Miss,  this  is  always  tlie  way  with  you !  mend, 
mend,  mend, — nothing  but  mend  !  Scrambling  about 
among  the  bushes,  and  tearing  your  clothes  to  rags. 
What  with  you,  and  with  madam's  farthingales  and 
kirtles,  a  poor  boAver-maiden  has  a  fine  time  of  it!" 

"  But  I  have  not  torn  my  clothes,  Susan,  and  it  was 
not  the  bushes  ;  it  was  the  doll :  only  see  what  a  great 
ngly  pin  I  have  pulled  out  of  it !  and  look,  here  is 
another!"  As  she  spoke,  Marian  drew  forth  one  of 
those  extended  pieces  of  black  pointed  wire,  with  which, 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  120 

in  the  days  of  toupees  and  pompoons,  our  foremothera 
were  wont  to  secure  their  fly-caps  and  head-gear  from 
the  impertinent  assaults  of  "  Zephyrus  and  the  Little 
Breezes." 

"  And  pray,  Miss,  where  did  you  get  this  pretty  doll, 
as  you  call  it  ?"  asked  Susan,  turning  over  the  puppet, 
and  viewing  it  with  a  scrutinizing  eye. 

*'  Mamma  gave  it  me,"  said  the  cliild. — This  was  a 
fib! 

"  Indeed  ! "  quoth  the  girl  thoughtfully ;  and  then, 
in  half  soliloquy,  and  a  lower  key,  "  Well !  I  wish  I 
may  die  if  it  doesn't  look  like  master ! — But  come  to 
your  dinner.  Miss  !     Hark  !  the  hell  is  striking  One  P'' 

Meanwhile  Master  Thomas  Marsh,  and  his  man 
Ralph,  were  threading  the  devious  paths,  then,  as  now, 
most  pseudonymously  dignified  with  the  name  of  roads, 
that  wound  between  Marston-Hall  and  the  frontier  of 
Romney  Marsh.  Their  progress  was  comparatively 
slow  ;  for  though  the  brown  mare  was  as  good  a  road- 
ster as  man  might  back,  and  the  gelding  no  mean  nag 
of  his  hands,  yet  the  tracts,  rarely  traversed  save  by 
the  rude  wains  of  the  day,  miry  in  the  "  bottoms,"  and 
covered  with  loose  and  rolling  stones  on  the  higher 
grounds,  rendered  barely  passable  the  perpetual  alter- 
nation of  hill  and  valley. 

The  master  rode  on  in  pain,  and  the  man  in  listless- 
ness  ;  although  the  intercourse  between  two  individuals 
so  situated  was  much  less  restrained  in  those  days  than 
might  suit  the  refinement  of  a  later  age,  little  passed 
approximating  to  conversation  beyond  an  occasional 
and  half-stifled  groan  from  the  one,  or  a  vacant  whistle 
from  the  other.  An  hour's  riding  had  brought  them 
6* 


laO  MRS.  botiierby's  story. 

among-  the  woods  of  Acryse  ;  and  they  were  about  tc 
descend  one  of  those  green  and  leafy  Lanes,  rendered  by 
matted  and  overarching  branches  ahke  impervious  to 
shower  or  sunbeam,  when  a  sudden  and  violent  spasm 
seized  on  Master  Marsh,  and  nearly  caused  him  to  fall 
from  his  horse.  With  some  difficulty  he  succeeded  in 
dismounting,  and  seating  himself  by  the  road  side. 
Here  he  remained  for  a  full  half  hour  in  great  apparent 
agony ;  the  cold  sweat  rolled  in  large  round  drops 
adown  his  clammy  forehead,  a  universal  shivering 
palsied  every  limb,  his  eye-balls  appeared  to  be  starting 
from  their  sockets,  and  to  his  attached,  though  dull 
and  heavy  serving-man,  he  seemed  as  one  struggling  in 
the  pangs  of  impending  dissolution.  His  groans  rose 
thick  and  frequent ;  and  the  alarmed  Ralph  was  hesi- 
tating between  his  disinclination  to  leave  him,  and  his 
desire  to  procure  such  assistance  as  one  of  the  few  cot- 
tages, rarely  sprinkled  in  that  wild  country,  might  afford, 
when,  after  a  long-drawn  sigh,  his  master's  features  as 
suddenly  relaxed  ;  he  declared  himself  better,  the  pang 
had  passed  away,  and,  to  use  his  own  expression,  he, 
"  felt  as  if  a  knife  had  been  drawn  from  out  his  very 
heart."  With  Ralph's  assistance,  after  a  while,  he  again 
reached  his  saddle ;  and,  though  still  ill  at  ease  from  a 
deep-seated  and  gnawing  pain,  which  ceased  not,  as  he 
averred,  to  torment  him,  the  violence  of  the  paroxysm 
was  spent,  and  it  returned  no  more. 

Master  and  man  pursued  their  way  with  increased 
ipeed,  as,  emerging  from  the  wooded  defiles,  they  at 
length  neared  the  coast;  then,  leaving  the  romantic 
castle  of  Saltwood,  with  its  neiglibouring  town  of 
Hithe,  a  little  on  their  left,  they  proceeded  along  the 


THE    LEEOH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  131 

ancient  paved  causeway,  and,  crossing  the  old  Roman 
road,  or  Watling,  plunged  again  into  the  woods  that 
stretched  between  Lympne  and  Ostenhanger. 

The  sun  rode  high  in  the  heavens,  and  its  meridian 
blaze  was  powerfully  felt  by  man  and  horse,  when, 
again  quitting  their  leafy  covert,  the  travellers  debouched 
on  the  open  plain  of  Aldington  Frith,  a  wide  tract  of 
unenclosed  country  stretchmg  down  to  the  very  borders 
of  "  the  Marsh  "  itself. 

Here  it  was,  in  the  neighbouring  chapelry,  the  site 
of  which  may  yet  be  traced  by  the  curious  antiquary, 
that  Elizabeth  Barton,  the  "  Holy  Maid  of  Kent,"  had, 
something  less  than  a  hundred  years  previous  to  the 
period  of  our  narrative,  commenced  that  series  of  super- 
natural pranks  which  eventually  procured  for  her  head 
an  unenvied  elevation  upon  London  Bridge ;  and  though 
the  parish  had  since  enjoyed  the  benefit  of  the  incum- 
bency of  Master  Erasmus's  illustrious  and  enlightened 
Namesake,  still,  truth  to  tell,  some  of  the  old  leaven 
was  even  yet  supposed  to  be  at  work.  The  place  had, 
in  fact,  an  ill  name ;  and,  though  Popish  miracles  had 
ceased  to  electrify  its  denizens,  spells  and  charms, 
operating  by  a  no  less  wondrous  agency,  were  said  to 
have  taken  their  place.  Warlocks,  and  other  unholy 
subjects  of  Satan,  were  reported  to  make  its  wild 
recesses  their  favourite  rendezvous,  and  that  to  an  extent 
which  eventually  attracted  the  notice  of  no  less  a  per- 
sonage than  the  sagacious  Matthew  Hopkins  himself, 
Witchfinder-General  to  the  British  government. 

A  great  portion  of  the  Frith,  or  Fright,  as  the  name 
was  then,  and  is  still  pronounced,  had  formerly  been  a 
Chase,  with  rights  of  Free-warren,  &c.,  appertaining  to 


132  MRS.    r.OTIIERBYS    STORY. 

the  Archbishops  of  the  Province.  Since  the  Reforma- 
tion, however,  it  liad  been  disparted ;  and  when  Master 
Thomas  Marsh,  and  his  man  Ralph,  entered  npon  its 
confines,  the  open  greensward  exhibited  a  hvely  scene, 
sufficiently  explanatory  of  certain  sounds  that  had  already 
reached  their  ears  while  yet  within  the  sylvan  screen 
which  concealed  their  origin. 

It  was  Fair-day:  booths,  stalls,  and  all  the  rude  para- 
phernalia of  an  assembly  that  then  met  as  much  for 
the  purposes  of  traffic  as  festivity,  were  scattered  irre- 
gularly over  the  turf;  pedlars,  with  their  packs,  horse- 
croupers,  pig-merchants,  itinerant  venders  of  crockery 
and  cutlery,  wandered  promiscuously  among  the  min- 
gled groups,  exposing  their  several  wares  and  commo- 
dities, and  soliciting  custom.  On  one  side  was  the 
gaudy  riband,  making  its  mute  appeal  to  rustic  gal- 
lantry; on  the  other  the  delicious  brandy-ball  and 
allui-ing  lollipop,  compounded  after  the  most  approved 
receipt  in  the  "  True  Gentlewoman's  Garland,"  and 
"  raising  the  waters  "  in  the  mouth  jf  many  an  expec- 
tant urchin. 

Nor  were  rural  sports  wanting  to  those  whom  plea 
sure,  rather  than  business,  had  drawn  from  their  humble 
homes.  Here  Avas  the  tall  and  slippeiy  pole,  glittering 
in  its  grease,  and  crowned  with  the  ample  cheese,  that 
mocked  the  hopes  of  the  discomfited  climber.  There  the 
fugitive  pippin,  swimming  in  water  not  of  the.purest,  and 
bobbing  from  the  expanded  lips  of  the  juvenile  Tan- 
talus. In  this  quarter  the  ear  was  pierced  by  squeaks 
from  some  beleaguered  porker,  whisking  his  well-soaped 
tail  from  the  grasp  of  one  already  in  fancy  his  captor 
In  that,  the  eye  rcste(.],  with  undisguised  delight,  upov 


THE    LEECFI    OF    FOLKESTONE.  133 

the  grimaces  of  grinning  candidates  for  the  honours  of 
the  horse-collar.  All  was  fun,  frolic,  courtship,  junket- 
ing, and  jollity. 

Maid  Marian,  indeed,  with  her  lieges,  Robin  Hood, 
Scarlet,  and  little  John,  was  wanting ;  Friar  Tuck  was 
absent;  even  the  Hobby-horse  had  disappeared;  but 
the  agile  Morrice-dancers  yet  were  there,  and  jingled 
their  bells  merrily  among  stalls  well  stored  with  ginger- 
bread, tops,  whips,  whistles,  and  all  those  noisy  instru- 
ments of  domestic  torture  in  which  scenes  like  these  are 
even  now  so  fertile.  Had  I  a  foe  whom  I  held  at  dead- 
liest feud,  I  would  entice  his  favourite  child  to  a  Fair, 
and  buy  him  a  Whistle  and  a  Penny-trumpet. 

In  one  corner  of  the  green,  a  little  apart  from  the 
thickest  of  the  throng,  stood  a  small  square  stage,  nearly 
level  with  the  chins  of  the  spectators,  whose  repeated 
bursts  of  laughter  seemed  to  intimate  the  presence  of 
something  more  than  usually  amusing.  The  platform 
was  divided  into  two  unequal  portions ;  the  smaller  of 
which,  surrounded  by  curtains  of  a  coarse  canvass, 
veiled  from  the  eyes  of  the  profane  the  penetralia  of 
this  moveable  temple  of  Esculapius,  for  such  it  was. 
Within  its  interior,  and  secure  from  vulgar  curiosity, 
the  Quack-salver  had  hitherto  kept  himself  ensconced ; 
occupied,  no  doubt,  in  the  preparation  and  arrangement 
of  that  wonderful  panacea  which  was  hereafter  to  shed 
the  blessings  of  health  among  the  admiring  crowd. 
Meanwhile  his  attendant  Jack-pudding  was  busily* em- 
ployed on  the  proscenium^  doing  his  best  to  attract 
attention  by  a  practical  facetiousness  which  took  won- 
derfully with  the  spectators,  interspersing  it  with  the 
melodious  notes  of  a  huge  cow's  horn.     Tiie   fellow's 


134  N 

costume  varied  but  little  in  character  from  that  in  wh^^n 
the  late  (alas !  that  we  should  have  to  write  the  word 
— late  !)  Mr.  Joseph  Grimaldi  was  accustomed  to  pre- 
sent himself  before  "  a  generous  and  enlightened  public ;" 
the  principal  difterence  consisted  in  this,  that  the  upper 
-garment  was  a  long  white  tunic  of  a  coarse  linen,  sur- 
mounted by  a  caricature  of  the  ruft'  then  fast  falling 
into  disuse,  and  was  secured  from  the  throat  downwards 
by  a  single  row  of  broad  white  metal  buttons ;  and  his  legs 
were  cased  in  loose  wide  trousers  of  the  same  material ; 
while  his  sleeves,  prolongued  to  a  most  disproportionate 
extent,  descended  far  below  the  fingers,  and  acted  as 
flappers  in  the  somersets  and  caracoles,  with  which  ho 
diversified  and  enlivened  his  antics.  Consummate  im- 
pudence, not  altogether  unmixed  with  a  certain  sly 
humour,  sparkled  in  his  eye  through  the  chalk  and 
ochre  with  which  his  features  were  plentifully  bedaubed ; 
and  especially  displayed  itself  in  a  succession  of  jokes, 
the  coarseness  of  which  did  not  seem  to  detract  from 
their  merit  in  the  eyes  of  his  applauding  audience. 

He  was  in  the  midst  of  a  long  and  animated  harangue 
explanatory  of  his  master's  high  pretensions ;  he  had 
informed  his  gaping  auditors  that  the  latter  was  the 
seventh  son  of  a  seventh  son,  and  of  course,  as  they 
very  well  knew,  an  IJnborn  Doctor ;  that  to  this  happy 
accident  of  birth  he  added  the  advantage  of  most 
extensive  travel ;  that  in  search  after  science  he  had 
not  only  perambulated  the  whole  of  this  world,  but  had 
trespassed  on  the  boundaries  of  the  next :  that  the 
depths  of  the  Ocean  and  the  bowels  of  the  Earth  were 
alike  familiar  to  him ;  that  besides  salves  and  cataplasms 
of  sovereign  virtue,  by  combining  sundry  mosses,  ga- 


THE    LEE(;H    of    FOLKESTONE.  185 

tliered  many  tliousand  fathoms  below  the  surface  of  the 
sea,  with  certain  unknown  drugs  found  in  an  undis- 
covered ishmd,  and  boiHng  the  whole  in  the  lava  of 
Vesuvius,  he  had  succeeded  in  producing  his  celebrated 
balsam  of  Crackapanoka,  the  never-failing  remedy  foi 
all  human  disorders,  and  which,  with  a  proper  trial 
allowed,  would  go  near  to  reanimate  the  dead.  "  Draw 
near  !  "  continued  the  worthy,  "  draw  near,  my  masters  ! 
and  you,  my  good  mistresses,  draw  near,  every  one  of 
you.  Fear  not  high  and  haughty  carriage ;  though 
greater  than  King  or  Kaiser,  yet  is  the  mighty  Aldro- 
vando  milder  than  mother's  milk ;  flint  to  the  proud,  to 
the  humble  he  is  as  melting  as  wax ;  he  asks  not  your 
disorders,  he  sees  them  himself  at  a  glance — nay,  with- 
out a  glance ;  he  tells  your  ailments  with  his  eyes  shut ! 
— Draw  near !  draw  near !  tlie  more  incurable  the 
better !  List  to  the  illustrious  Doctor  Aldrovando,  first 
Physician  to  Prester  John,  Leech  to  the  Grand  Llama, 
\m\  Hakim  in  Ordinary  to  Mustapha  Muley  Bey ! '' 

"  Hath  your  master  ever  a  charm  for  the  toothache, 
an't  please  you  ?"  asked  an  elderly  countryman,  whose 
swollen  cheek  bespoke  his  interest  in  the  question. 

"  A  charm  ! — a  thousand,  and  every  one  of  them 
infallible.  Toothache,  quotha  '  I  had  hoped  you  had 
come  with  every  bone  in  your  body  fractured  or  out  of 
joint.  A  toothache  ! — j)ropound  a  tester,  master  o'  mine 
— we  ask  not  more  for  such  trifles  :  do  my  bidding,  and 
thy  jaws,  even  with  the  word,  shall  cease  to  trouble  thee." 

The  clown,  fumbling  a  while  in  a  deep  leathern 
pui-se,  at  length  produced  a  sixpence,  which  he  tendered 
to  the  jester.  "  Now  to  thy  master,  and  bring  me  the 
charm  forthwith." 


]3(5  MRS.    BOTHERBY^S    STORV 

"  Nay,  honest  man  ;  to  disturb  the  mighty  xVldro- 
vando  on  such  shght  occasion  were  pity  of  my  life : 
areed  my  counsel  aright,  and  I  will  warrant  thee  for  the 
nonce.  Hie  thee  home,  friend ;  infuse  this  powder  in 
cold  spring-water,  fill  thy  mouth  with  the  mixture,  and 
sit  upon  thy  fire  till  it  boils  I" 

"  Out  on  thee  for  a  pestilent  knave !"  cried  the 
cozened  countryman  ;  but  the  roar  of  merriment  around 
bespoke  the  by-standers  well  pleased  with  the  jape  put 
upon  him.  He  retired,  venting  his  spleen  in  audible 
murmurs  ;  and  the  mountebank,  finding  the  feelings  of 
the  mob  enlisted  on  his  side,  waxed  more  impudent 
every  instant,  filling  up  the  intervals  between  his  fool- 
eries with  sundry  capers  and  contortions,  and  discordant 
notes  from  the  cow's  horn, 

"  Draw  near,  draw  near,  my  masters  !  Here  have 
ye  a  remedy  for  every  evil  under  the  sun,  moral,  pliy- 
sical,  natural,  and  supernatural !  Hath  any  man  a 
termagant  wife  ? — here  is  that  will  tame  her  presently  ! 
Hath  any  one  a  smoky  chimney  ? — here  is  an  incon- 
tinent cure !" 

To  the  first  infliction  no  man  ventured  to  plead 
guilty,  though  there  were  those  standing  by  who 
thought  their  neighbours  might  have  profited  withal. 
For  the  last  named  recipe  started  forth  at  least  a  dozen 
candidates.  With  the  greatest  gravity  imaginable, 
Pierrot,  having  pocketed  their  groats,  delivered  to  each 
a  small  packet,  curiously  folded  and  closely  sealed,  con 
raining,  as  he  averred,  directions  which,  if  truly  observed, 
would  preclude  any  chimney  from  smoking  for  a  whole 
year.  .  They  whose  curiosity  led  them  to  dive  into  the 
mystery,  found  that  a  s}«rig  of  mountain  ash,  culled  by 


THE    LPJECII    OF    FOLKESTONE.  1537 

moonliglit,  was  the  charm  recommended,  coupled,  how- 
ever, with  the  proviso  that  no  fire  should  be  lighted  on 
the  hearth  during*  its  exercise. 

The  frequent  bursts  of  merriment  proceeding  from 
this  quarter,  at  length  attracted  the  attention  of  Master 
Marsh,  whose  line  of  road  necessarily  brought  him  near 
this  end  of  the  fair ;  he  drew  bit  in  front'  of  the  stage 
just  as  its  noisy  occupant,  having  laid  aside  his  formida- 
li]e  horn,  was  drawing  still  more  largely  on  the  amaze- 
ment of  "the  public"  by  a  feat  of  especial  wonder, — he 
was  eating  fire  !  Curiosity  mingled  with  astonishment 
was  at  its  height ;  and  feelings  not  unallied  to  alarm 
were  beginning  to  manifest  themselves,  among  the  softer 
sex  especially,  as  they  gazed  on  the  flames  that  issued 
from  the  mouth  of  the  living  volcano.  All  eyes,  indeed, 
were  fixed  upon  the  fire-eater,  with  an  intentness  that 
left  no  room  for  observing  another  worthy  who  had  now 
emerged  upon  the  scene.  This  was,  however,  no  less  a 
personage  than  the  Deus  ex  machind, — the  illustrious 
Aldrovando  himself 

Short  in  stature  and  spare  in  form,  the  sage  had 
somewhat  increased  the  former  by  a  steeple-crowned 
hat,  adorned  with  a  cock's  feather ;  while  the  thick 
shoulder-padding  of  a  quilted  doublet,  surmounted  by  a 
falling  band,  added  a  Httle  to  his  personal  importance 
in  point  of  breadth.  His  habit  was  composed  through- 
out of  black  serge,  relieved  with  scarlet  slashes  in  the 
sleeves  and  trunks;  red  was  the  feather  in  his  hat,  i-ed 
were  the  roses  in  his  shoes,  which  rejoiced  moreover  in 
a  pair  of  red  heels.  The  lining  of  a  short  cloak  of  fade<3 
velvet,  that  hung  transversely  over  his  left  shoulder,  we 
also  red.   Indeed,  from  all  that  we  could  ever  sec  or  hea 


1H8  MRS.    BOTHERBY  S    STORY. 

this  agreeable  alternation  of  red  and  black  appears  lo 
be  the  mixture  of  colours  most  approved  at  the  court  ol 
Beelzebub,  and  the  one  most  generally  adopted  by  hia 
friends  and  favourites.  His  features  were  sharp  and 
shrewd,  and  a  fire  sparkled  in  his  keen  grey  eye,  much 
at  variance  with  the  wrinkles  that  ran  their  irregular 
furrows  above  his  prominent  and  bushy  brows.  He 
had  advanced  slowly  from  behind  his  screen  while  the 
attention  of  the  multitude  was  absorbed  by  the  pyro- 
technics of  Mr.  Merry  man,  and,  stationing  himself  at 
the  extreme  corner  of  the  stage,  stood  quietly  leaning 
on  a  crutch-handle  walking-staff  of  blackest  ebony,  his 
glance  steadily  fixed  on  the  face  of  Marsh,  from  whose 
countenance  the  amusement  he  had  insensibly  begun 
to  derive  had  not  succeeded  in  removing  all  traces  of 
bodily  pain. 

For  a  while  the  latter  was  unobservant  of  the  inqui- 
sitorial survey  with  which  he  was  regarded;  the  eyes 
of  the  parties,  however,  at  length  met.  The  brown 
mare  had  a  fine  shoulder ;  she  stood  pretty  nearly  six- 
teen hands.  Marsh  himself,  though  slightly  bowed  by 
ill  health  and  the  "coming  autumn"  of  life,  was  full 
six  feet  in  height.  His  elevation  giving  him  an  unob- 
structed view  over  the  heads  of  the  pedestrians,  he  had 
naturally  fallen  into  the  rear  of  the  assembly,,  which 
brought  him  close  to  the  diminutive  Doctor,  with  whose 
face,  despite  the  red  heels,  his  own  was  about  upon  a  level. 

"  And  what  makes  Master  Marsh  here  ? — what  sees 
he  in  the  mummeries  of  a  miserable  buffoon  to  divert 
him  when  his  life  is  in  jeopardy  ?"  said  a  shrill  cracked 
7oice  that  sounded  as  in  his  very  ear.  It  was  the 
Doctor  who  spoke. 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  139 

"Knowest  thou  me,  friend?"  said  Marsh,  scanning 
with  awakened  interest  the  figure  of  his  questioner :  "  I 
call  thee  not  to  mind  ;  and  yet — stay,  where  have  we 
met  ?" 

"  It  skills  not  to  declare,"  was  the  answer  ;  "  suffice 
it  we  have  met, — in  other  climes  perchance, — and  now 
meet  happily  again — happily  at  least  for  thee." 

"  Why  truly  the  trick  of  thy  countenance  reminds 
me  of  somewhat  I  have  seen  before ;  where  or  when  I 
know  not:  but  what  wouldst  thou  with  me?" 

"  Nay,  rather  what  wouldst  thou  here,  Thomas 
Marsh  ?  What  wouldst  thou  on  the  Frith  of  Alding- 
ton ? — is  it  a  score  or  two  of  paltry  sheep  ?  or  is  it 
something  nearer  to  thy  heart  V 

Marsh  started  as  the  last  words  were  pronounced 
with  more  than  common  significance :  a  pang  shot 
through  him  at  the  moment,  and  the  vinegar  aspect 
of  the  charlatan  seemed  to  relax  into  a  smile  half 
compassionate,  half  sardonic. 

"  Grammercy,"  quoth  Marsh,  after  a  long-draw u 
breath,  "  what  knowest  thou  of  me,  fellow,  or  of  my 
concerns  ?     What  knowest  thou " 

"  This  know  I,  Master  Thomas  Marsh,"  said  the 
stranger  gravely,  "  that  thy  life  is  even  now  perilled, 
evil  practices  are  against  thee  ;  but  no  matter,  thou 
art  quit  for  the  nonce — other  hands  than  mine  have 
saved  thee !  Thy  pains  are  over.  Hark  !  the  clock 
strikes  One  /"  As  he  spoke,  a  single  toll  from  the 
bell-tower  of  Belsington  came,  wafted  by  the  western 
breeze,  over  the  thick-set  and  lofty  oaks  which  inter- 
vened between  the  Frith  and  what  had  been  once 
a   priory.      Doctor    Aldrovando   turned    as  the  sound 


140  MRS.  botherby's  MORr. 

came  floating  on  the  wind,  and  was  moving,  as  if  half 
in  anger,  towards  the  other,  side  of  the  stage,  where 
the  mountebank,  his  fires  extinct,  was  now  disgorging 
to  the  admiring  crowd  yard  after  yard  of  gaudy- 
coloured  riband. 

"  Stay  !  Nay,  prithee  stay  !"  cried  Marsh  eagerly, 
"  I  was  wrong  ;  in  faith  I  was.  A  change,  and  that  a 
sudden  and  most  marvellous,  hath  indeed  come  over 
me ;  I  am  free  ;  I  breathe  again  ;  I  feel  as  though  a 
load  of  years  had  been  removed  ;  and — is  it  possible  ? 
— hast  thou  done  this  ?" 

"  Thomas  Marsh  !"  said  the  doctor,  pausing,  and 
turning  for  the  moment  on  his  heel,  "  I  have  not :  I 
repeat,  that  other  and  more  innocent  hands  than  mine 
have  done  this  deed.  Nevertheless,  heed  my  counsel 
well !  Thou  art  parlously  encompassed  ;  I,  and  I 
only,  have  the  means  of  relieving  thee.  Follow  thy 
courses ;  pursue  thy  journey  ;  but  as  thou  valuest  life 
and  more  than  hfe,  be  at  the  foot  of  yonder  woody 
knoll  what  time  the  rising  moon  throws  her  first 
beam  upon  the  bare  and  blighted  summit  that  towers 
above  its  trees." 

He  crossed  abruptly  to  the  opposite  quarter  of  the 
scaffolding,  and  was  in  an  instant  deeply  engaged  in 
listening  to  those  whom  the  cow's  horn  had  attracted, 
and  in  prescribing  for  their  real  or  fancied  ailments. 
Vain  were  all  Marsh's  efforts  again  to  attract  his 
notice ;  it  was  evident  that  he  studiously  avoided  him  ; 
and  when,  after  an  hour  or  more  spent  in  useless 
endeavour,  he  saw  the  object  of  his  anxiety  seclude 
himself  once  more  within  his  canvass  screen,  he  rod€ 
slowly  and  thoughtfully  off  the  field. 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  141 

AVhat. should  he  do  ?  Was  the  man  a  mere  quack  ? 
\n  impostor  ? — His  name  thus  obtained  ? — that  might 
be  easily  done.  But  then,  his  secret  griefs  :  the  doctor's 
knowledge  of  them ;  their  cure ;  for  he  felt  that  his 
pains  were  gone,  his  healthful  feelings  restored  ! 

True ;  Aldrovando,  if  that  were  his  name,  had  dis- 
claimed all  co-operation  in  his  recovery :  but  he  knew, 
or  he  at  least  announced  it.  Nay,  more  ;  he  had  hinted 
that  he  was  yet  in  jeopardy ;  that  practices — and  the 
chord  sounded  strangely  in  unison  with  one  that  had 
before  vibrated  within  him — that  practices  were  in  ope- 
ration against  his  life  !  It  was  enough  !  He  would 
keep  tryst  with  the  Conjurer,  if  conjurer  he  were; 
and,  at  least,  ascertain  who  and  what  he  was,  and 
hov/  he  had  become  acquainted  with  his  own  person 
and  secret  afflictions. 

When  the  late  Mr.  Pitt  was  determined  to  keep  out 
Bonaparte,  and  prevent  his  gaining  a  settlement  in  the 
county  of  Kent,  among  other  ingenious  devices  adopted 
for  that  purpose,  he  caused  to  be  constructed  what  was 
then,  and  has  ever  since  been,  conventionally  termed  a 
"  Military  Canal."  This  is  a  not  very  practicable  ditch, 
some  thirty  feet  wide,  and  nearly  nine  feet  deep — in 
the  middle, — extending  from  the  town  and  port  of 
Hithe  to  within  a  mile  of  the  town  and  port  of  Rye,  a 
distance  of  about  twenty  miles ;  and  forming  as  it 
were,  the  cord  of  a  bow,  the  arc  of  which  constitutes 
that  remote  fifth  quarter  of  the  globe  spoken  of  by 
travellers.  Trivial  objections  to  the  plan  were  made  at 
the  time  by  cavillers ;  and  an  old  gentleman  of  the 
neighbourhood,  who  proposed  as  a  cheap  substitute,  to 
put  down  his  own  cocked-hat  upon  a  pole,  was  deserv 


142 

eclly  pooh-pooh'd  down ;  in  fact,  the  job,  though 
rather  an  expensive  one,  Avas  found  to  answer  remark- 
ably well.  The  French  managed,  indeed,  to  scramble 
over  the  Rhine,  and  the  Rhone,  and  other  insignificant 
currents;  but  they  never  did,  nor  could,  pass  Mr. 
Pitt's  "  Military  Canal."  At  no  great  distance  from 
the  centre  of  this  cord  rises  abruptly  a  sort  of  woody 
promontory,  in  shape  almost  conical;  its  sides  covered 
with  thick  underwood,  above  which  is  seen  a  bare  and 
brown  summit  rising  like  an  Alp  in  miniature.  The 
''defence  of  the  nation"  not  being  then  in  existence, 
Master  Marsh  met  Avith  no  obstruction  in  re?.ching  this 
place  of  appointment  long  before  the  time  prescribed. 

So  much,  indeed,  w^as  his  mind  occupied  by  his  adven- 
ture and  extraordinary  cure,  that  his  original  design  had 
been  abandoned,  and  Master  Cobbe  remained  unvisited. 
A  rude  hostel  in  the  neighbourhood  furnished  enter- 
tainment for  man  and  horse ;  and  here,  a  full  hour 
before  the  rising  of  the  moon,  he  left  Ralph  and  the 
other  beasts,  proceeding  to  his  rendezvous  on  foot  and 
alone. 

"You  are  punctual.  Master  Marsh,"  squeaked  th(. 
shrill  voice  of  the  doctor,  issuing  from  the  thicket  as  the 
first  silvery  gleam  trembled  on  the  aspens  above.  "  'Tis> " 
well :  now  follow  me  and  in  silence." 

The  fii-st  part  of  the  command  Marsh  hesitated  not  to 
obey ;  the  second  was  more  difficult  of  observance. 

"  Who  and  what  are  you  ?  Whither  are  you  lead- 
ing me  ?  "  burst  not  unnaturally  from  his  lips  ;  but  all 
question  was  at  once  cut  shoH  by  the  peremptory  tone? 
of  his  guide. 

"Hush!  I   say;  your  finger  on   your  lip,  thero   br 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  143 

nawks  abroad  :  follow  me,  and  that  silently  and  quickly." 
The  little  man  turned  as  he  spoke,  and  led  the  way 
through  a  scarcely  perceptible  path,  or  track,  which 
wound  among  the  underwood.  The  lapse  of  a  few 
minutes  brought  them  to  the  door  of  a  low  building,  so 
hidden  by  the  surrounding  trees  that  few  would  have 
suspected  its  existence.  It  was  a  cottage  of  rather 
extraordinary  dimensions,  but  consisting  of  only  one 
floor.  No  smoke  rose  from  its  solitary  chimney ;  no 
cheering  ray  streamed  from  its  single  window,  which 
was,  however,  secured  by  a  shutter  of  such  thickness  as 
to  preclude  the  possibility  of  any  stray  beam  issuing 
from  within.  The  exact  size  of  the  building  it  was,  in 
that  uncertain  light,  difficult  to  distinguish,  a  portion  of 
it  seeming  buried  in  the  wood  behind.  The  door  gave 
way  on  the  application  of  a  key,  and  Marsh  followed  his 
conductor  resolutely,  but  cautiously,  along  a  narrow 
passage,  feebly  lighted  by  a  small  taper  that  winked  and 
twinkled  at  its  farther  extremity.  The  Doctor,  as  he 
approached,  raised  it  from  the  ground,  and,  opening  an 
adjoining  door,  ushered  his  guest  into  the  room  beyond. 
It  was  a  large  and  oddly  furnished  apartment,  insuffi- 
ciently lighted  by  an  iron  lamp  that  hung  from  the 
roof,  and  scarcely  illumined  the  walls  and  angles,  which 
seemed  to  be  composed  of  some  dark-coloured  wood. 
On  one  side,  however.  Master  Marsh  could  discover  an 
article  bearing  strong  resembance  to  a  coffin  ;  on  the 
other  was  a  large  oval  mirror  in  an  ebony  frame,  and 
in  the  midst  of  the  floor  was  described,  in  red  chalk,  a 
double  circle,  about  six  feet  in  diameter,  its  inner  verge 
inscribed  with  sundry  hieroglypliics,  agreeably  relieved 
at  intervals  with  an  alternation  of  skulls  and  cross  bones. 


144  MRS.    BOTHERBYS    STORY. 

In  the  very  centre  was  deposited  one  skull  of  such  siir 
passing  size  and  thickness  as  would  have  filled  the  soul 
of  a  Spurzheira  or  De  Ville  with  wonderment.  A  large 
book,  a  naked  sword,  an  hour  glass,  a  chafing  dish,  and 
a  black  cat,  completed  the  list  of  moveables  ;  with  the 
exception  of  a  couple  of  tapers  which  stood  on  each  side 
of  the  mirror,  and  which  the  strange  gentleman  now 
proceeded  to  light  from  the  one  in  his  hand.  As  they 
flared  up  with  what  Marsh  thought  a  most  unnatural 
brilliancy,  he  perceived,  reflected  in  the  glass  behind,  a 
dial  suspended  over  the  coffin-like  article  already  men- 
tioned ;  the  hand  was  fast  verging  towards  the  hour  of 
nine.  The  eyes  of  the  little  Doctor  seemed  riveted  on 
the  horologe. 

"  Now  strip  thee,  Master  Marsh,  and  that  quickly : 
untruss,  I  say  !  discard  thy  boots,  doflf  doublet  and  hose, 
and  place  thyself  incontinent  in  yonder  bath." 

The  visiter  cast  his  eyes  again  upon  the  formidable- 
looking  article,  and  perceived  that  it  was  nearly  filled 
with  water.  A  cold  bath,  at  such  an  hour  and  under 
such  auspices,  was  anything  but  inviting :  he  hesitated, 
and  turned  his  eyes  alternately  on  the  Doctor  and  the 
Black  Cat. 

"  Trifle  not  the  time,  man,  an  you  be  wise,"  said  the 
former :  "  Passion  of  my  heart !  let  but  yon  minute- 
hand  reach  the  hour,  and  tho'i  not  immersed,  thy  life 
were  not  w^orth  a  pin's  fee  !  " 

The  Black  Cat  gave  vent  to  a  single  Mew, — a  most 
unnatural  sound  for  a  mouser, — it  seemed  as  it  were 
mewed  through  a  cow's  horn. 

"  Quick,  Master  Marsh !  uncase,  or  you  perish ! " 
repeated  his  strange  host,  throwing  as  he  spoke  a  hand- 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  145 

ful  of  some  dingy-looking  powders  into  the  brasier. 
"  Behold  the  attack  is  begun !  "  A  thick  cloud  rose 
from  the  embers  ;  a  cold  shivering  shook  the  astonished 
Yeoman  ;  sliarp  pricking  pains  penetrated  his  ankles 
and  tho  palms  of  his  hands,  and,  as  the  smoke  cleared 
away,  he  distinctly  saw  and  recognised  in  the  mirror  the 
boudoir  of  Marston  Hall. 

The  doors  of  the  well-known  ebony  cabinet  were 
closed;  but  fixed  against  them,  and  standing  out  in 
strong  relief  from  the  contrast  afforded  by  the  sable 
background,  was  a  waxen  image — of  himself !  It 
appeared  to  be  secured,  and  sustained  in  an  upright 
posture,  by  large  black  pins  driven  through  the  feet  and 
palms,  the  latter  of  which  were  extended  in  a  cruciform 
position.  To  the  right  and  left  stood  his  wife  and  Jose  ; 
in  the  middle,  with  his  back  towards  him,  was  a  figure 
which  he  had  no  difficulty  in  recognising  as  that  of  the 
Leech  of  Folkestone.  The  latter  had  just  succeeded  in 
fastening  the  dexter  hand  of  the  image,  and  was  now 
in  the  act  of  drawing  a  broad  and  keen-edged  sabre 
from  its  sheath.  The  Black  Cat  mewed  again. 
"  Haste  or  you  die  ! "  said  the  Doctor, — Marsh  looked 
at  the  dial;  it  w^anted  but  four  minutes  of  nine:  he 
felt  that  the  crisis  of  his  fate  was  come.  Off"  went 
his  heavy  boots ;  doublet  to  the  right,  galligaskins  to 
the  left ;  never  was  man  moi*#swiftly  disrobed  :  in  two 
minutes,  to  use  an  Indian  expression,  "  he  was  all 
face ! "  in  another  he  was  on  his  back,  and  up  to  his 
chin,  in  a  bath  which  smelt  strongly  as  of  brimstone  and 
garlic. 

"  Heed  well  the  clock  !"  cried  the  Conjuror :  "  with 
the  first  stroke  of  Nine  plunge  thy  head  beneath  the 

FIRST    SERIES.  ^ 


146  MRS.  botherby's  story. 

water,  sufter  not  a  hair  above  tlie  surface ;  plunge 
deeply  or  thou  art  lost !" 

The  little  man  had  seated  himself  in  the  centre  of 
the  circle  upon  the  large  skull,  elevating  his  legs  at  an 
angle  of  forty-five  degrees.  In  this  position  he  spun 
round  with  a  velocity  to  be  equalled  only  by  that  of  a 
tee-totum,  the  red  roses  on  his  insteps  seeming  to 
describe  a  circle  of  fire.  The  best  buckskins  that  ever 
mounted  at  Melton  had  soon  yielded  to  such  rotatory 
friction — but  he  spun  on — the  Cat  mewed,  bats  and 
obscene  birds  fluttered  over  head  ;  Erasmus  was  seen  to 
raise  his  weapon,  the  clock  struck  ! — and  Marsh,  who 
had  "  ducked"  at  the  instant,  popped  up  his  head  again, 
spitting  and  sputtering,  half-choked  with  the  infernal 
solution,  which  had  insinuated  itself  into  his  mouth,  and 
ears,  and  nose.  All  disgust  at  his  nauseous  dip,  was, 
however,  at  once  removed,  when,  casting  his  eyes  on  the 
glass,  he  saw  the  consternation  of  the  party  whose 
persons  it  exhibited.  Erasmus  had  evidently  made  his 
blow  and  failed ;  the  figure  was  unmutilated  ;  the  hilt 
remained  in  the  hand  of  the  striker,  while  the  shivered 
blade  lay  in  shining  fragments  on  the  floor. 

The  Conjuror  ceased  his  spinning,  and  brought  him- 
self to  an  anchor;  the  Black  Cat  purred, — its  purring 
seemed  strangely  mixed  with  the  self-satisfied  chuckle 
of  a  human  being. — Wlro-e  had  Marsh  heard  something 
like  it  before  ? 

He  was  rising  from  his  unsavoury  couch,  when  a 
motion  from  the  little  man  checked  him.  "  Rest  where 
you  are,  Thomas  Marsh ;  so  far  all  goes  well,  but  the 
danger  is  not  yet  over!"  He  looked  again,  and  per- 
ceived that  the  shadowy  triumvirate  were  in  deep  and 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  .147 

eager  consultation ;  the  fragments  of  the  shattered 
weapon  appeared  to  undergo  a  close  scrutiny.  The 
result  was  clearly  unsatisfactory ;  the  lips  of  the  parties 
moved  rapidly,  and  much  gesticulation  might  be 
observed,  but  no  sound  fell  upon  the  ear.  The  hand  of 
the  dial  had  nearly  reached  the  quarter:  at  once  the 
parties  separated :  and  Buckthorne  stood  again  before 
the  figure,  his  hand  armed  with  a  long  and  sharp- 
pointed  misericorde,  a  dagger  little  in  use  of  late,  but 
such  as,  a  century  before,  often  performed  the  part  of  a 
modern  oyster-knife,  in  tickling  the  osteology  of  a  dis- 
mounted cavalier  through  the  shelly  defences  of  his 
plate  armour.  Again  he  raised  his  arm.  "Duck!" 
roared  the  Doctor,  spinning  away  upon  his  cephalic 
pivot : — the  black  Cat  cocked  his  tail,  and  seemed  to 
mew  the  word  "  Duck  !" — Down  went  Master  Marsh's 
head  ; — one  of  his  hands  had  unluckily  been  resting  on 
the  edge  of  the  bath  :  he  drew  it  hastily  in,  but  not  alto- 
gether scathless ;  the  stump  of  a  rusty  nail,  projecting 
from  the  margin  of  the  bath,  had  caught  and  slightly 
grazed  it.  The  pain  was  more  acute  than  is  usually 
produced  by  such  trivial  accidents ;  and  Marsh,  on  once 
more  raising  his  head,  beheld  the  dagger  of  the  Leech 
sticking  in  the  little  finger  of  the  wax  figure,  which  it 
had  seemingly  nailed  to  the  cabinet  door. 

"  By  my  truly,  a  scape  o'  the  narrowest !"  quoth  the 
Conjuror  :  "  the  next  course,  dive  you  not  the  readier, 
there  is  no  more  life  in  you  than  in  a  pickled  herring. — 
What !  courage,  Master  Marsh  :  but  be  heedful ;  an 
they  miss  again,  let  them  bide  the  issue  !" 

He  drew  his  hand  athwart  his  brow  as  he  spoke  and 
dashed  off"  the  perspiration,  which  the  violence  of  hifi 


148  MRS.    BOTHERBY  S    STORY. 

exercise  liad  drawn  from  every  pore.  Black  Tom 
sprang  upon  the  edge  of  tlie  bath,  and  stared  full  in  the 
face  of  the  bather :  his  sea-green  eyes  were  lambent 
with  unholy  fire,  but  their  marvellous  obliquity  of  vision 
was  not  to  be  mistaken  ;  the  very  countenance,  too  ! — 
Could  it  be  ? — the  features  were  feline,  but  their  expres- 
sion was  that  of  the  Jack  Pudding  !  Was  the  Mounte- 
bank a  Cat? — or  the  Cat  a  Mountebank? — it  was  all  a 
mystery  ; — and  Heaven'  knows  how  long  Marsh  might 
have  continued  staring  at  Grimalkin,  had  not  his  atten- 
tion been  again  called  by  Aldrovando  to  the  magic 
mirror. 

Great  dissatisfaction,  not  to  say  dismay,  seemed  now 
to  pervade  the  conspirators ;  Dame  Isabel  was  closely 
inspecting  the  figure's  wounded  hand,  while  Jose  was 
aiding  the  pharmacopolist  to  charge  a  huge  petronel 
with  powder  and  bullets.  The  load  was  a  heavy  one ; 
but  Erasmus  seemed  determined  this  time  to  make  sure 
of  his  object.  Somewhat  of  trepidation  might  be 
observed  in  his  manner  as  he  rammed  down  the  balls, 
and  his  withered  cheek  appeared  to  have  acquired  an 
increase  of  paleness  ;  but  amazement  rather  than  fear 
was  the  prevailing  symptom,  and  his  countenance 
betrayed  no  jot  of  irresolution.  As  the  clock  was  about 
to  chime  half-past  nine,  he  planted  himself  with  a  firm 
foot  in  front  of  the  image,  waved  his  unoccupied  hand 
with  a  cautionary  gesture  to  his  companions,  and,  as 
they  hastily  retired  on  either  side,  brought  the  muzzle 
of  his  weapon  within  half  a  foot  of  his  mark.  As  the 
shadowy  form  was  about  to  draw  the  trigger.  Marsh 
again  plunged  his  head  beneath  the  surface ;  and  the 
sound  of  an  explosion,  as  of  fire-arms,  mingled  with  the 


TTIK    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  149 

rush  of  water  that  poured  into  his  ears.  His  immersion 
was  but  momentary,  yet  did  he  feel  as  though  half 
suffocated  :  he  sprang  from  the  bath,  and,  as  his  eye 
fell  on  the  mirror,  he  saw, — or  thought  he  saw, — the 
Leech  of  Folkestone  lying  dead  on  the  floor  of  his  wife's 
boudoir,  his  head  shattered  to  pieces,  and  his  hand  still 
grasping  the  stock  of  a  bursten  petronel. 

He  saw  no  more ;  his  head  swam,  his  senses  reeled, 
the  whole  room  was  turning  round,  and,  as  he  feL 
to  the  ground,  the  last  impressions  to  which  he  was  con- 
scious were  the  chucklings  of  a  hoarse  laughter,  and  the 
mewings  of  a  Tom  Cat ! 

Master  Marsh  was  found  the  next  morning  by  his 
bewildered  serving-man,  stretched  before  the  door  of  the 
humble  hostel  at  which  Tie  sojourned.  His  clothes 
were  somewhat  torn  and  much  bemired  !  and  deeply  did 
honest  Ralph  marvel  that  one  so  staid  and  grave,  as 
Master  Marsh  of  Marston  should  thus  have  played  the 
roisterer,  missing,  perchance,  a  profitable  bargain  for  the 
drunken  orgies  of  midnight  wassail,  or  the  endearments 
of  some  rustic  light-o'-love.  Tenfold  was  his  astonish- 
ment increased  when,  after  retracing  in  silence  their 
journey  of  the  preceding  day,  the  Hall,  on  their  arrival 
about  noon,  was  found  in  a  state  of  uttermost  confusion. 
No  wife  stood  there  to  greet  with  the  smile  of  bland 
affection  her  returning  spouse ;  no  page  to  hold  his 
stirrup,  or  receive  his  gloves,  his  hat,  and  riding-rod. — 
The  doors  were  open,  the  rooms  in  most  admired 
disorder;  men  and  maidens  peeping,  hurrying  hither 
and  thither,  and  popping  in  and  out,  like  rabbits  in  a 
warren. — The  lady  of  the  mansion  was  nowhere  to  be 
found. 


160  MHs,  botherby's  story. 

Jose,  too,  had  disappeared ;  the  latter  had  been  last 
Been  riding  furiously  towards  Folkestone  early  in  the 
preceding  afternoon;  to  a  question  from  Hodge  Gar- 
dener he  had  hastily  answered,  that  he  bore  a  missive 
of  moment  from  his  mistress.  The  lean  apprentice  of 
Erasmus  Buckthorne  declared  that  the  page  had  sum- 
moned his  master,  in  haste,  about  six  of  the  clock,  and 
that  they  had  rode  forth  together,  as  he  verily  believed, 
on  their  way  back  to  the  Hall,  where  he  had  supposed 
Master  Buckthorne's  services  to  be  suddenly  required  on 
some  pressing  emergency.  Since  that  time  he  had  seen 
nought  of  either  of  them  :  the  grey  cob,  however,  had 
returned  late  at  night,  masterless,  with  his  girths  loose, 
and  the  saddle  turned  upside  down. 

Nor  was  Master  Erasmus  Buckthorne  ever  seen  again. 
Strict  search  was  made  through  the  neighbourhood,  but 
without  success ;  and  it  was  at  length  presumed  that 
he  must,  for  reasons  which  nobody  could  divine,  have 
absconded,  together  Avith  Jose  and  his  faithless  mistress. 
The  latter  had  carried  off"  with  her  the  strong  box,  divers 
articles  of  valuable  plate,  and  jewels  of  price.  Her 
boudoir  appeared  to  have  been  completely  ransacked ; 
the  cabinet  and  drawers  stood  open  and  empty;  the 
very  carpet,  a  luxury  then  newly  introduced  into  Eng- 
land, was  gone.  Marsh,  however,  could  trace  no  vestige 
of  the  visionary  scene  which  he  affirmed  to  have  been 
last  night  presented  to  his  eyes. 

Much  did  the  neighbours  marvel  at  his  story: — 
some  thought  hira  mad  ;  others,  that  he  was  merely 
indulging  in  that  privilege  to  which,  as  a  traveller,  he 
had  a  right  indefeasible.  Trusty  Ralph  sfiid  nothing, 
but  shrugged  his  shoulders  ;  and,  falling  into  the  rear, 


THE    LEECH    OF    FOLKESTONE.  151 

imitated  the  act  on  of  raising  a  wine-cup  to  his  lips 
An  opinion,  indeed,  soon  prevailed,  that  Master  Thomas 
Marsh  had  gotten,  in  common  parlance,  exceedingly 
drunk  on  the  preceding  evening,  and  had  dreamt  all 
that  he  so  circumstantially  related.  This  belief  acquired 
additional  credit  when  they,  whom  curiosity  induced  to 
visit  the  woody  knoll  of  Aldington  Mount,  declared  that 
they  could  find  no  building  such  as  that  described,  nor 
any  cottage  near ;  save  one,  indeed,  a  low-roofed  hovel, 
once  a  house  of  public  entertainment,  but  now  half  in 
ruins.  The  "  Old  Cat  and  Fiddle" — so  was  the  tene- 
ment called — had  been  long  uninhabited ;  yet  still  ex- 
hibited the  remains  of  a  broken  sign,  on  which  the  keen 
observer  might  decipher  something  like  a  rude  portrait 
of  the  animal  from  which  it  derived  its  name.  Tt  was 
also  supposed  still  to  aftbrd  an  occasional  asylum  to  the 
smugglers  of  the  coast,  but  no  trace  of  any  visit  Trom 
sage  or  mountebank  could  be  detected  ;  nor  was  the 
wise  Aldrovando,  whom  many  remembered  to  have 
seen  at  the  fair,  ever  found  again  on  all  that  country 
side. 

Of  the  runaways,  nothing  was  ever  certainly  known. 
A  boat,  the  property  of  an  old  fisherman  who  plied  his 
trade  on  the  outskirts  of  the  town,  had  been  seen  to 
quit  the  bay  that  night ;  and  there  were  those  who  de- 
clared that  she  had  more  hands  on  board  than  Garden 
and  his  son,  her  usual  complement ;  but,  as  a  gale  came 
on,  and  the  frail  bark  was  eventually  found  keel  upwards 
on  the  Goodwin  Sands,  it  was  presumed  that  she  had 
struck  on  that  fatal  quicksand  in  the  dark,  and  that  all 
on  board  had  perished. 

Little   Marian,    whom    her    profligate    mother   had 


152  MRS.  botherby's  story. 

abandoned,  grew  up  to  be  a  fine  girl,  ai  I  a  handsome. 
She  became,  moreover,  heiress  to  Mai-ston  Hall,  and 
brought  the  estate  into  the  Ingoldsby  family  by  her 
marriage  with  one  of  its  scions. 

Thus  far  Mrs.  Botherby. 

It  is  a  little  singular  that,  on  pulling  down  the  old 
Hall  in  my  grandfather's  time,  a  human  skeleton  was 
discovered  among  the  rubbish :  under  what  particular 
part  of  the  building,  I  could  never  with  any  accuracy 
ascertain ;  but  it  was  found  enveloped  in  a  tattered 
cloth,  that  seemed  to  have  been  once  a  carpet,  and 
which  fell  to  pieces  almost  immediately  on  being  ex- 
posed to  the  air.  The  bones  were  perfect,  but  those  of 
one  hand  were  wanting;  and  the  skull,  perhaps  from 
the  labourer's  pick-axe,  had  received  considerable  injury  ; 
the  worm-eaten  stock  of  an  old-fashioned  pistol  lay 
near,  together  with  a  rusty  piece  of  iron  which  a  work- 
man, more  sagacious  than  his  fellows,  pronounced  a 
portion  of  the  lock,  but  nothing  was  found  which  the 
utmost  stretch  of  human  ingenuity  could  twist  into  a 
barrel. 

The  portrait  of  the  fair  Marian  hangs  yet  in  the 
Gallery  of  Tappington ;  and  near  it  is  another,  of  a 
young  man  in  the  prime  of  life,  whom  Mrs.  Botherby 
affirms  to  be  that  of  her  father.  It  exhibits  a  mild  and 
rather  melancholy  countenance,  with  a  high  forehead, 
and  the  peaked  beard  and  moustaches  of  the  seventeenth 
century.  The  signet-finger  of  the  left  hand  is  gone, 
and  appears,  on  close  inspection,  to  have  been  painted 
out  by  some  later  artist ;  possibly  in  compliment  to  the 
tradition,  which,  teste  Botherby,  records  that  of  Mr. 
Mai*sh  to  have  gangrened,  and  to  have  undergone  ?yi- 


THE    LEECH    OF    P^OLKESTONE.  153 

putation  at  the  knuckle-joint.  If  really  the  resemblance 
of  the  gentleman  alluded  to,  it  must  have  been  taken 
at  some  period  antecedent  to  his  marriage.  There  is 
neither  date  nor  painter's  name  ;  but,  a  little  above  the 
head,  on  the  dexter  side  of  the  picture,  is  an  escutcheon, 
bearing  "  Quarterly,  Gules  and  Argent,  in  the  first 
quarter  a  horse's  head  of  the  second ;"  beneath  it  are 
the  words  "  ^tatis  suce  26."  On  the  opposite  side  is 
a  mark,  which  Mr.  Simpkinson  declares  to  be  that  of  a 
Merchant  of  the  Staple,  and  pretends  to  discover,  in  the 
monogram  comprised  in  it,  all  the  characters  which 
compose  the  name  of  THOMAS  MARSH,  of 
MARSTON. 


Respect  for  ilie  feelings  of  an  honourable  family, — 
nearly  connected  with  the  Ingoklsbys, — has  induced 
me  to  veil  the  real  "  sponsorial  and  patronymic  appel- 
lations "  of  my  next  hero  under  a  sobriquet  interfering 
neither  with  rhyme  nor  rhythm."^  I  shall  merely  add 
that  every  incident  in  the  story  bears,  on  the  face  of  it, 
the  stamp  of  veracity,  and  that  many  "  persons  of 
honour"  in  the  county  of  Berks  who  well  recollected 
Sir  George  Rooke's  expedition  against  Gibraltar,  would, 
if  they  were  now  alive,  gladly  bear  testimony  to  the 
truth  of  every  syllable. 


•  Pack  o'  nonsense !— Every  body  as  belongs  to  him  is  dead  and  gone— 
and  every  body  knows  that  the  poor  young  gentleman's  real  name  wasn't 
Sobriquet  at  all,  but  Hampden  Pye,  Esq.,  and  that  one  of  his  uticles— or 
cousins— used  to  make  verses  about  the  king  and  the  queen,  and  had  a 
sack  of  money  for  doing  it  every  year  ; — and  that's  his  picture  in  the  blue 
coat  and  little  gold-laced  cocked  hat,  that  hangs  on  the  stairs  over  the  door 
of  the  passage  that  leads  to  the  blue  room.— Sobriquet  ?— but  there !— The 
Squire  wrote  it  after  dinner  1 

Elizabeth  Botherby. 


155 


LEGEND  OF  HAMILTON  TIGHE. 

The  Captain  is  walking  his  quarter-deck, 
"With  a  troubled  brow  and  a  bended  neck ; 
One  eye  is  down  through  the  hatchway  cast, 
The  other  turns  up  to  the  truck  on  the  mast ; 
Yet  none  of  the  crew  may  venture  to  hint 
"  Our  Skipper  hath  gotten  a  sinister  squint  1 " 

The  Captain  again  the  letter  hath  read 

Which  the  bum-boat  woman  brought  out  to  Spithead- 

Still,  since  the  good  ship  sail'd  away, 

He  reads  that  letter  thi*ee  times  a-day ; 

Yet  the  writing  is  broad  and  fair  to  see, 

As  a  Skipper  may  read  in  his  degree. 

And  the  seal  is  as  black,  and  as  broad,  and  as  flat, 

As  his  own  cockade  in  his  own  cock'd  hat : 

He  reads,  and  he  says,  as  he  walks  to  and  fro, 

"  Curse  the  old  woman — she  bothers  me  so !  '* 

He  pauses  now,  for  the  topmen  hail — 

"  On  the  larboard  quarter  a  sail !  a  sail !  " 

Tliat  grim  old  Captain  he  turns  him  quick, 

And  bawls  through  his  trumpet  for  Hairy-faced  Dick. 

"  The  breeze  is  blowing — ^huzza !  huzza ! 

The  breeze  is  blowing — away  1  away ! 

The  breeze  is  blowing — a  race !  a  race ! 

The  breeze  is  blowing — we  near  the  chase ! 

Blood  will  flow,  and  bullets  will  fly, — 

Oh  where  will  be  then  young  Hamilton  Tighe !  ** 

— "  On  the  foeman's  deck,  where  a  man  should  be, 
"With  his  sword  in  his  hand,  and  his  foe  at  his  knee. 
Cockswain  or  boatswain,  or  reefer  may  try, 
Rut  tlie  first  man  on  board  will  be  Hamilton  Tighe  I' 
*  •»  *  * 


156  LEGEND    OF 

Hairy-faced  Dick  hath  a  swarthy  hue, 
Between  a  ginger-bread-nut  and  a  Jew, 
And  his  pigtail  is  long,  and  bushy,  and  thick, 
Like  a  ])Uinp-handle  stuck  on  the  end  of  a  stick 
Hairy-faced  Dick  understands  his  trade ; 
He  stands  by  the  breech  of  a  long  carronade, 
The  linstock  glows  in  his  bony  hand, 
Waiting  that  grim  old  Skipper's  command. 

"  The  bullets  are  flying — ^huzza !  huzza ! 

The  bullets  are  flying — away !   away !  "— r 

The  brawny  boarders  mount  by  the  chains, 

And  are  over  their  buckles  in  blood  and  in  brains : 

On  the  foeman's  deck,  where  a  man  should  be. 

Young  Hamilton  Tighe 

Waves  his  cutlass  high. 
And  Capitaine  Crapaud  bends  low  at  his  knee 

Hairy-faced  Dick,  linstock  in  hand, 

Is  waiting  that  grim-looking  Skipper's  command: — 

A  wink  comes  sly 

From  that  sinister  eye — 
Hairy-faced  Dick  at  once  lets  fly. 
And  knocks  off  the  head  of  yonng  Hamilton  Tighe  1 

There's  a  lady  sits  lonely  in  bower  and  hall, 

Her  pages  and  handmaidens  come  at  her  call : 

"  Now,  haste  ye,  my  handmaidens,  haste  and  see 

How  he  sits  there  and  glow'rs  with  his  head  on  his  knee 

The  maidens  smile,  and,  her  thoughts  to  destroy. 

They  bring  her  a  little,  pale,  mealy-faced  boy ; 

And  the  mealy-faced  boy  says,   "  Mother  dear, 

Now  Hamilton's  dead,  I've  a  thousand  a  year  J  " 

The  lady  has  donn'd  her  mantle  and  hood. 
She  is  bound  for  shrift  at  St.  Mary's  Rood  ; — 
"  Oh !  the  taper  shall  burn,  and  the  bell  shall  toll. 
And  the  mass  shall  be  said  for  my  step-son's  soul, 
And  tiie  tablet  fair  shall  be  hung  on  high, 
Orate  pro  anima  Hamilton  l^ghe  1 " 


IIAMfLTON    TTGHE.  157 

Her  eoacli  and  four 

Draws  up  to  the  door 
"With  her  groom,  and  her  footman,  and  half  a  score  moro  • 
The  Lady  steps  into  her  coach  alone. 
And  they  hear  her  sigh,  and  they  hear  her  groan  ; 
They  close  the  door,  and  they  turn  the  pin. 
But  there^s  One  rides  with  her  that  never  stepped  in  ! 
All  the  way  there  and  all  the  way  back. 
The  harness  strains,  and  the  coach-springs  crack, 
The  horses  snort,  and  plunge,  and  kick, 
Till  the  coachman  thinks  he  is  driving  Old  Nick ; 
And  the  grooms  and  the  footmen  wonder,  and  say, 
"  What  makes  the  old  coach  so  heavy  to-day  ?" 
But  the  mealy-faced  boy  peeps  in,  and  sees 
A  man  sitting  there  with  his  head  on  his  knees  1 

'Tis  ever  the  same, — in  hall  or  in  bower. 
Wherever  the  place,  whatever  the  hour, 
That  Lady  mutters,  and  talks  to  the  air. 
And  her  eye  is  fixed  on  an  empty  chair ; 
But  the  mealy-faced  boy  still  whispers  with  dread, 
"  She  talks  to  a  man  with  never  a  head !  " 

***** 
There's  an  old  Yellow  Admiral  living  at  Bath, 
As  gray  as  a  badger,  as  thin  as  a  lath ; 
And  his  very  queer  eyes  have  such  very  queer  leers. 
They  seem  to  be  trying  to  peep  at  his  ears ; 
That  old  Yellow  Admiral  goes  to  the  Rooms, 
And  he  plays  long  whist,  but  he  frets  and  he  fumes, 
For  all  his  Knaves  stand  upside  down. 
And  the  Jack  of  Clnbs  does  nothing  but  frown  ; 
And  the  Kings,  and  the  Aces,  and  all  the  best  trumps 
Get  into  the  hands  of  the  other  old  frumps ; 
While,  close  to  his  partner,  a  man  he  sees 
Counting  the  tricks  with  his  head  on  his  knees. 

In  Ratcliffe  Highway  there's  an  old  marine  store, 
And  a  (itreat  black  doll  hangs  out  at  the  dcor ; 
Ther »,  are  rusty  locks  and  dusty  bags, 
An-l  uuisty  phials,  and  fusty  rags, 


158  LEGEND    OF    ITAMTLTON    TTiJHE. 

And  a  lusty  old  woman,  call'd  Thirsty  Nan, 
And  her  crusty  old  husband's  a  Hahy -faced  man ! 

That  Hairy-faced  man  is  sallow  and  wan, 
And  his  great  thick  pigtail  is  withered  and  gone  ; 
And  he  cries,   "  Take  away  that  lubberly  chap 
That  sits  there  and  grins  with  his  head  in  his  lap !  " 
And  the  neighbours  say,  as  they  see  him  look  sick, 
"  What  a  rum  old  covey  is  Hairy-faced  Dick !  " 

That  Admiral,  Lady,  and  Hairy-faced  man 

May  say  what  they  please,  and  may  do  what  they  can 

But  one  thing  seems  remarkably  clear, — 

They  may  die  to-morrow,  or  live  till  next  year, — 

But  wherever  they  live,  or  whenever  they  die. 

They'll  never  get  quit  of  young  Hamilton  Tighe. 


The  When, — the  Where, — and  the  How, — of  the 
succeeding  narrative  speak  for  themselves.  It  may  be 
proper,  however,  to  observe,  that  the  ruins  here  alluded 
to,  and  improperly  termed  "  the  Abbey,"  are  not  those 
of  Bolsover,  described  in  a  preceding  page,  but  the 
remains  of  a  Preceptory  once  belonging  to  the  Knights 
Templars,  situate  near  Swynfield,  Swinkefield,  or,  as  it  is 
now  generally  spell  and  pronounced,  Swingfield,  Minnis, 
a  rough  tract  of  common  land  now  undergoing  the 
process  of  enclosure,  and  adjoining  the  woods  and  arable 
lands  of  Tappington,  at  the  distance  of  some  two  miles 
from  the  Hall,  to  the  South-eastern  windows  of  which 
the  time-worn  walls  in  question,  as  seen  over  the  inter- 
vening coppices,  present  a  picturesque  and  stnking 
object. 


159 


THE   WITCHES'    FROLIC. 

Scene,  the  "Snuggery"  at  Tappington- — Grandpapa  in  i  high-backed 
cane-bottomed  elbow-chair  of  carved  walnut-tree,  dozing  ;  kis  nose  at  ai 
angle  of  forty-five  degrees, — his  thumbs  slowly  perform  the  rotatory 
motion  described  by  lexicographers  as  "twiddling." — The  "  Hope  of  the 
family"  astride  on  a  walking-stick,  with  burnt-cork  mustachios,  and  a 
pheasant's  tail  pinned  in  his  cap,  solaceth  himself  with  martial  music. — 
Roused  by  a  strain  of  surpassing  dissonance,  Grandpapa  loquitur.] 

Come  hither,  come  hither,  my  little  boy  Ned  I 

Come  hither  unto  my  knee — 
I  cannot  away  with  that  horrible  din, 
That  sixpenny  drum,  and  that  trumpet  of  tin. 
Oh,  better  to  wander  frank  and  free 
Through  the  Fair  of  good  Saint  Bartlemy, 
Than  list  to  such  awful  minstrelsie. 
Now  lay,  little  Ned,  those  nuisances  by, 
And  I'll  rede  ye  a  lay  of  Graramarye. 

"Grandpapa  riseth,  yawneth  like  the  crater  of  an  extinct  volcano,  pro 
ceedeth  slowly  to  the  window,  and  apostrophizeth  the  Abbey  in  the 
distance.] 

I  love  thy  tower,  Grey  ruin, 
I  joy  thy  form  to  see. 

Though  reft  of  all. 

Cell,  cloister,  and  hall, 
Nothing  is  left  save  a  tottering  wall 
That  awfully  grand  and  darkly  dull. 
Threatened  to  fall  and  demolish  my  skull. 
As,  ages  ago,  I  wander'd  along 
Careless  thy  grass-grown  courts  among. 
In  sky-blue  jacket,  and  trowsors  laced, 
The  latter  uneommonlv  short  in  the  waist. 


ICO  THE  witches'  frolic. 

Thou  art  dearer  to  ine,  thou  Ruin  grey, 
Than  the  Squire's  verandah  over  the  way ; 
And  fairer,  I  wefin, 
The  ivy  sheen 
That  thy  mouldering  turret  binds, 
llian  the  Alderman's  house  about  half  a  mile  off, 
With  the  green  Venetian  blinds. 

Full  many  a  tale  would  my  Grandam  tell, 

In  many  a  bygone  day, 
Of  darksome  deeds,  which  of  old  befell 

In  thee,  thou  Ruin  grey  I 
And  I  the  readiest  ear  would  lend, 

And  stare  like  frighten'd  pig ! 
While  my  Grandfather's  hair  would  have  stood  up  on  end. 

Had  he  not  worn  a  wig. 

One  tale  I  remember  of  mickle  dread — 
Now  lithe  and  listen,  my  little  boy  Ned  1 

*  *  *  *  » 

Thou  mayest  have  read,  my  little  boy  Ned, 

Though  thy  mother  thine  idlesse  blames, 
In  Doctor  Goldsmith's  history  book. 

Of  a  gentleman  called  King  James, 
In  quilted  doublet,  and  great  trunk  breeches, 
Who  held  in  abhorrence  Tobacco  and  Witches. 
Well, — in  King  James's  golden  days, — 

For  the  days  were  golden  then, — 
They  could  not  be  less,  for  good  Queen  Bess 

Had  died,  aged  three  score  and  ten. 
And  her  days  we  know. 
Were  all  of  them  so ; 
While  the  Court  poets  sung,  and  the  Court  gallants  swore 
That  the  days  were  as  golden  still  as  before. 

Some  people,  'tis  true,  a  troublesome  few, 

Who  historical  points  would  unsettle, 
Have  lately  thrown  out  a  sort  of  a  doubt 

Of  the  genuine  ring  of  the  metal ; 


THE    WITCHES*    FROLIC.  161 

But  who  can  believe  to  a  monarch  so  wise 
People  would  dare  tell  a  parcel  of  lies ! 

— Well,  then,  in  good  King  James's  days, — 

Golden  or  not  does  not  matter  a  jot, — 

Yon  Ruin  a  sort  of  a  roof  had  got ; 

For  though,  repairs  lacking,  its  walls  had  been  cracking 

Since  Harry  the  Eighth  sent  its  people  a-packing, 

Though  joists,  and  floors, 

And  windows,  and  doors 
Had  all  disappear'd,  yet  pillars  by  scores 
Remain'd,  and  still  proj>p'd  up  a  ceiling  or  two, 
While  the  belfry  was  almost  as  good  as  new ; 
You  are  not  to  suppose  matters  look'd  just  so 
In  the  Ruin  some  two  hundred  years  ago. 

Just  in  that  farthermost  angle,  where 

There  are  still  the  remains  of  a  winding-stair, 

One  turret  especially  high  in  air 

Uprear'd  its  tall  gaunt  form  ; 
As  if  defying  the  power  of  Fate,  or 
The  hand  of  "  Time  the  Innovator ;" 

And  though  to  the  pitiless  storm 
Its  weaker  brethren  all  around 
Bowing,  in  ruin  had  strew'd  the  ground, 
Alone  it  stood,  while  its  fellows  lay  strewM, 
Like  a  foxir-bottle  man  in  a  company  "  screw'd,** 
Not  firm  on  his  legs,  but  by  no  means  subdued. 

One  night — 'twas  in  sixteen  hundred  and  six, — 
I  like  when  I  can,  Ned,  the  date  to  fix, — 

The  month  was  May, 

Though  I  can't  well  say 
At  this  distance  of  time  the  particular  day — 
Bnt  oh  !  that  night,  that  horril)le  night ! 
— ^Folks  ever  afterwards  said  with  affright 
That  they  never  had  seen  such  a  terrible  sight. 


162  THE  witches'  frolic. 

The  Sun  had  gone  down  fiery  red ; 

And  if  that  evening  he  laid  his  head 

In  Thetis's  lap  beneath  the  seas, 

He  must  have  scalded  the  goddess's  knees. 

He  left  behind  him  a  lurid  track 

Of  blood-red  light  upon  clouds  so  black, 

That  Warren  and  Hunt,  with  the  whole  of  their  crew, 

Could  scarcely  have  given  them  a  darker  hue. 

There  came  a  shrill  and  a  whistling  sound. 
Above,  beneath,  beside,  and  around, 

Yet  leaf  ne'er  moved  on  tree ! 
So  that  some  people  thought  old  Belzebub  must 
Have  been  lock'd  out  of  doors,  and  was  blowing  the  dust 
From  the  pipe  of  his  street-door  key. 
And  then  a  hollow  moaning  blast 
Came,  sounding  more  dismally  still  than  the  last ; 
And  the  lightning  flash'd  and  the  thunder  growl'd, 
And  louder  and  louder  the  tempest  howl'd. 
And  the  rain  came  down  in  such  sheets  as  would  stagger  a 
Bard  for  a  simile  short  of  Niagara, 

Rob  Gilpin  "was  a  citizen;" 

But  though  of  some  "renown," 
Of  no  great  "credit"  in  his  own. 

Or  any  other  town. 

He  was  a  wild  and  roving  lad. 

For  ever  in  the  alehouse  boozing; 
Or  romping, — which  is  quite  as  bad, — 

With  female  friends  of  his  own  choosing. 

And  Rob  this  very  day  had  made, 

Not  dreaming  such  a  storm  was  brewing, 

An  assignation  with  Miss  Slade, — 

Tlaeir  try  sting-place  that  same  grey  Ruin. 

But  Gertrude  Slade  became  afraid. 

And  to  keep  her  appointment  unwilling, 


FROLIC.  168 


Wlien  she  spied  the  rain  on  her  window-pane 

In  drops  as  big  as  a  shilling ; 
She  put  off  her  hat  and  her  mantle  again,— 
"He'll  never  expect  me  in  all  this  rain! " 

But  little  he  recks  of  the  fears  of  the  sex, 

Or  that  maiden  false  to  her  tryst  could  be, 
He  had  stood  there  a  good  half  hour 
Ere  yet  had  commenced  that  perilous  shower, 
Alone  by  the  trystingtreel 

Eobin  looks  east,  Robin  looks  west, 

But  he  sees  not  her  whom  he  loves  the  best; 

Robin  looks  up,  and  Robin  looks  down, 

But  no  one  comes  from,  the  neighbouring  town 

The  storm  came  at  last, — ^loud  roar'd  the  blast, 
And  the  shades  of  evening  fell  thick  and  fast ; 
The  tempest  grew  ;  and  the  straggling  yew, 
His  leafy  umbrella,  was  w«t  through  and  through , 
Rob  was  half  dead  with  cohl  and  fright. 
When  he  spies  in  the  Ruins  a  twinkling  light — 
A  hep,  two  skips,  and  a  jump,  and  straight 
Rob  stands  within  that  postern  gate. 

And  there  were  gossips  sitting  there, 

By  one,  by  two,  by  three : 

Two  were  an  old  ill-favour'd  pair , 

But  the  third  was  yoiing,  and  passing  fair. 
With  laughing  eyes,  and  with  coal-black  hair 

A  dainty  quean  was  she ! 
Rob  would  have  given  his  ears  to  sip 
But  a  single  salute  from  her  cherry  lip. 

As  they  sat  in  that  old  and  haimted  room. 
In  each  one's  liand  was  a  huge  birch  broom, 
On  each  one's  head  was  a  steeple-crown'd  hat^ 
On  each  one's  knee  was  a  coal-black  cat ; 


164  THFJ  witches'  frolic. 

Each  had  a  kirtle  of  Lincoln  green — 
It  was,  I  tz'ow,  a  fearsome  scene. 

'*JS"ow  riddle  me,  riddle  me  right,  Madge  Gray, 
What  foot  unhallow'd  wends  this  way  ? 
Goody  Price,  Goody  Price,  now  areed  me  aright, 
Who  roams  the  old  Ruins  this  drearysome  night!" 

Then  up  and  spake  that  sonsie  quean, 
And  she  spake  both  loud  and  clear ; 
"  Oh,  be  it  for  weal,  or  be  it  for  woe, 
Enter  friend,  or  enter  foe, 
Rob  Gilpin  is  welcome  here  I — 

"  JN'ow  tread  we  a  measure  I  a  hall !  a  hall  I 
Now  tread  we  a  measure,"  quoth  she — 
The  heart  of  Robin 
Beat  thick  and  throbbing — 
"Roving  Bob,  tread  a  measure  with  me!  " 
"Ay,  lassie !"  quoth  Rob,  as  her  hand  he  gripes, 
"Though  Satan  himself  were  blowing  the  pipes.' 

'Now  around  they  go,  and  around,  and  around, 
With  hop-skip-and-jump,  and  frolicsome  bound, 


Such  sailing  and  glid 


ins:, 


»> 


Such  sinking  and  sliding. 

Such  lofty  curvetting. 

And  grand  pirouetting; 
Ned,  yoti  would  swear  that  Monsieur  Gilbert 
And  Miss  Taglioni  were  capering  there ! 

And  oh !  such  awful  music ! — ne'er 

Fell  sounds  so  uncanny  on  mortal  ear, 

There  were  the  tones  of  a  dying  man's  groans 

Mix'd  with  the  rattling  of  dead  men's  bones: 

Had  you  heard  the  shrieks,  and  the  squeals  an^  ^hfc  ^sq'jpal; 

You'd  not  have  forgotten  the  sound  for  weeks. 

And  around,  and  around,  and  around  they  go, 
Heel  to  heel,  and  toe  to  toe, 


THE    WITCH  »£S'    FROLIC.  165 

Prance  and  caper,  curvet  ar  d  wheel, 
Toe  to  toe,  and  heel  to  heel. 

*"Tis  merry,  'tis  merry.  Cummers,  I  trow, 

To  dance  thus  beneath  the  nightshade  bough  1  ** 

*'  Goody  Price,  Goody  Price,  now  riddle  me  right, 
"Where  may  we  sup  this  frolicsome  night  ? " 

"  Mine  host  of  the  Dragon  hath  mutton  and  veal ! 

The  Squire  hath  partridge,  and  widgeon,  and  teal ; 

But  old  Sir  Thopas  hath  daintier  cheer, 

A  pasty  made  of  the  good  red  deer, 

A  huge  grouse  pie,  and  a  fine  Florentine, 

A  fat  roast  goose,  and  a  turkey  and  chine." 

— "  Madge  Gray,  Madge  Gray, 

Now  tell  me,  I  pray, 

Wliere's  the  best  wassail  bowl  to  our  roundelay  ? " 

" — ^There  is  ale  in  the  cellars  of  Tappington  Hall, 
But  the  Squire  *  is  a  churl,  and  his  drink  is  small ; 

Mine  host  of  the  Dragon 

Hath  many  a  flaggon 
Of  double  ale,  lamb's  wool,  and  eau  de  vie, 

But  Sir  Thopas  the  Vicar, 

Hath  costlier  liquor, — 
A  butt  of  the  choicest  Malvoisie 

He  doth  not  lack 

Canary  or  sack ; 
And  a  good  pint  stoop  of  Clary  wine 
Smacks  merrily  off  with  a  Turkey  and  Chine  I** 

"Now  away!  and  away!  without  delay, 
Hey  OoclcoloTum  !  my  Broomstick  gay  1 

♦  Stephen  Ingoldsby,  surnamed  "  The  Niggard,"  second  cousin  and  sue 
cesaor  to  ''The  Bad  Sir  Giles."  (Visitation  of  Kent,  1666.)  For  an 
account  of  his  murder  by  burglars,  and  their  subsequent  execution,  see 
Dodsley'8  "  Remarkable  Trials,"  &c.  London.  1770,  vol.  ii.  p.  2fr4,  ox  thf 
present  volume,  Art.  "  Hand  of  Glory." 


166  THE  witches'  frolic. 

We  must  be  back  ere  the  dawn  of  the  day ; 
liey  up  the  chimney!  away!  away!" — 

Old  Goody  Price 

Mounts  in  a  trice, 
In  showing  her  legs  she  is  not  over  nice ; 

Old  Goody  Jones, 

All  skin  and  bones. 
Follows  "like  winking." — Away  go  the  crones, 
Knees  and  nose  in  a  line  with  the  toes, 
Sitting  their  brooms  like  so  many  Ducrows ; 

Latest  and  last 

The  damsel  pass'd. 
One  glance  of  her  coal-black  eye  she  cast; 
She  laugh'd  with  glee  loud  laughters  three, 
"Dost  fear,  Rob  Gi]i)in,  to  ride  with  me?" — 
Oh,  never  might  man  unsc/ith'd  espy 
One  single  glance  from  that  coal-black  eye. 

— Away  she  flew ! — 

Without  more  ado 
Rob  seizes  and  mounts  on  a  broomstick  too, 
"  Hey  !  up  the  chimney,  lass  !     Iley  after  you  !** 

It's  a  very  fine  thing,  on  a  fine  day  in  June, 
To  ride  through  the  air  in  a  Nassau  Balloon  ; 
But  you'll  find  very  soon,  if  you  aim  at  the  Moon 
In  a  carriage  like  tliat,  you're  a  bit  of  a  "Spoon," 

For  the  largest  can't  fly  , 

Above  twenty  miles  high, 
And  you're  not  half  way  then  on  your  journey,  nor  nigh ; 

While  no  man  alive 

Could  ever  contrive, 
Mr.  Green  has  declared,  to  get  higher  than  five. 
And  the  soundest  Philosophers  liold  that,  perhaps, 
If  you  reach'd  twenty  miles  your  balloon  would  colla  (Se, 

Or  pass  by  such  action 

Tlie  sphere  of  attraction, 
Getting  into  the  track  of  some  Comet — Good-lack  I 
Tis  a  thousand  to  one  tha*.  you'd  never  come  back ' 


THE  witches'  frolic.  167 

And  the  boldest  of  mortals  a  danger  like  that  must  fear, 
Rashly  ])rotruding  beyond  our  own  atmosphere. 

No,  no  ;  when  I  try 

A  trip  to  the  sky, 
I  shan't  go  in  that  thing  of  yours,  jMr.  Gye, 
Though  Messieurs  Monk  Mason,  and  Spencer,  and  Beazly, 
All  join  in  saying  it  travels  so  easily. 

No ;  there's  nothing  so  good 

As  a  pony  of  wood — 
Not  like  that  w^hich,  of  late,  they  stuck  up  on  the  gate 
At  the  end  of  the  Park,  which  caused  so  much  debate, 
And  gave  so  much  trouble  to  make  it  stand  straight, — 

But  a  regular  Broomstick — ^you'll  find  that  the  favourite- 
Above  all,  when,  like  Robin,  you  haven't  to  pay  fur  it. 

— Stay — really  I  dread — 

I  am  losing  the  thread 
Of  my  tale  ;  and  it's  time  you  should  be  in  your  bed. 
So  lithe  now,  and  listen,  my  little  boy  Ned  1 

******* 
Tlie  Vicarage  walls  are  lofty  and  thick,  • 

And  the  copings  are  stone,  and  the  sides  are  brick, 
The  casements  are  narrow,  and  bolted  and  barr'd, 
And  the  stout  oak  door  is  heavy  and  hard  ; 
Moreover,  by  way  of  additional  guard, 
A  great  big  dog  runs  loose  in  the  yard. 
And  a  horse-slioe  is  nail'd  on  the  threshold  sill,-  - 
To  keep  out  aught  that  savours  of  ill, — 
But,  alack!  the  chimney-pot's  open  still  I 
— That  great  big  dog  begins  to  quail. 
Between  his  hiud-legs  he  drops  his  tail 
Crouch'd  on  the  ground,  the  terrified  hound 
Gives  vent  to  a  very  odd  sort  of  a  sound  ; 
It  is  not  a  bark,  loud,  open,  and  free. 
As  an  honest  old  watch-dog's  bark  sliould  be  ; 
It  is  not  a  yelp,  it  is  not  a  growl. 
But  a  something  between  a  whine  and  a  howl 
And,  hark  ! — a  sound  from  the  window  high 


108  THE  witches'  fkolic. 

Responds  to  the  watch-dog's  pitiful  cry : 

It  is  not  a  moan, 

It  is  not  a  groan : 
It  comes  from  a  nose, — ^but  is  not  what  a  ncse 
Produces  in  healthy  and  sound  repose. 
Yet  Sir  Thopas  the  Vicar  is  fast  asleep, 
And  his  respirations  are  heavy  and  deep  1 

He  snores,  'tis  true,  but  he  snores  no  more 
.    As  he's  aye  been  accustom'd  to  snore  before, 
And  as  men  of  his  kidney  are  wont  to  snore ; — 
(Sir  Tliopas's  weight  is  sixteen  stone  four ;) 
He  draws  his  breath  like  a  man  distress'd 
By  pain  or  grief,  or  like  one  oppress'd 
By  some  ugly  old  Incubus  perch'd  on  his  breast. 

A  something  seems 

To  disturb  his  dreams, 
And  thrice  on  his  ear,  distinct  and  clear, 
Falls  a  voice  as  of  somebody  whispering  near, 
In  still  small  accents,  faint  and  few, 
"Hey  down  the  chimney-pot! — Hey  after  you  !" 

Tliroughout  the  Vicarage,  near  and  far, 
There  is  no  lack  of  bolt  or  of  bar ; 

There  are  plenty  of  locks 

To  closet  and  box. 
Yet  the  pantry  wdcket  is  standing  ajar  1 
And  the  little  low  door,  through  which  you  must  go, 
Down  some  half-dozen  steps,  to  the  cellar  below. 
Is  also  unfastened,  though  no  one  may  know, 
By  so  much  as  a  guess,  how  it  comes  to  be  so ; 

For  wicket  and  door. 

The  evening  before. 
Were  both  of  them  lock'd,  and  the  key  safely  placed 
On  the  bunch  that  hangs  down  from  the   Housekeeper 
waist. 

Oh  I  'twas  a  jovial  sight  to  view 

In  that  snug  little  cellar  that  frolicsome  crew! 


THE    WITCHES     FROLIC.  IHO 

Old  Goody  Price 

Had  got  something  nice, 
A  turkey  poult  larded  with  bacon  and  spice ; — 

Old  Goody  Jones 

Would  touch  nought  that  had  bones, — 
She  might  just  as  well  mumble  a  parcel  of  stones. 
Goody  Jones,  in  sooth,  hath  got  never  a  tooth, 
And  a  New-College  pudding  of  marrow  and  plums 
Ts  the  dish  of  all  others  that  suiteth  her  gums. 

Madge  Gray  was  picking 

The  breast  of  a  chicken. 
Her  coal-black  eye,  with  its  glance  so  sly, 
"Was  fixed  on  Rob  Gilpin  himself  sitting  by 
With  his  heart  full  of  love,  and  his  mouth  full  of  pie ; 

Grouse  pie,  with  hare 

In  the  middle,  is  fare 
Which,  duly  concocted  with  science  and  care, 
Doctor  Kitchener  says,  is  beyond  all  compare ; 

And  a  tenderer  leveret 

llobin  had  never  ate  ; 
80,  in  after  times,  oft  he  was  wont  to  asseverate. 

•'Now  pledge  we  the  wine-cup! — a  health!  a  health! 

Sweet  are  the  pleasures  obtain'd  by  stealth ! 

Fill  up!  fill  up! — the  brim  of  the  cup 

Is  the  part  that  aye  holdeth  the  toothsomest  sup ! 

Here's  to  thee.  Goody  Price ! — Goody  Jones,  to  thee  I— 

To  thee.  Roving  Rob !  and  again  to  me ! 

Many  a  sip,  never  a  slip 

Come  to  us  four  'twixt  the  cup  and  the  lip  !** 

The  cups  pass  quick. 

The  toasts  fly  thick, 
Rob  tries  in  vain  out  their  meaning  to  pick^ 
But  hears  the  words  "Scratch,"  and  "Old  Bogey,"  and  "Nick 

More  familiar  grown, 

Now  he  stands  up  alone. 
Volunteering  to  give  them  a  toast  of  his  own. 
FIRST   SERIES.  8 


170  THE  witches'  frolic. 

"  A  bumper  of  wine ! 

Fill  thine !     Fill  mine  ! 
Here's  a  health  to  old  Noah  who  planted  the  Vine  I'' 

Oh  then  what  sneezing, 

"VVJiat  coughing  and  wheezing, 
Ensued  in  a  way  that  was  not  over  pleasing ! 
Goody  Price,  Goody  Jones,  and  the  pretty  Madge  Gray, 
All  seem'd  as  their  liquor  had  gone  the  wrong  way 

But  the  best  of  the  joke  was,  the  moment  he  spoke 

Those  words  which  the  party  seem'd  almost  to  choke, 

As  by  mentioning  Noah  some  spell  had  been  broke, 

Every  soul  in  the  house  at  that  instant  awoke  1 

And,  hearing  the  din  from  barrel  and  bin, 

Drew  at  once  the  conclusion  that  thieves  had  got  in. 

Up  jump'd  the  Cook  and  caught  hold  of  her  spit : 

Up  jump'd  the  Groom  and  took  bridle  and  bit ; 

Up  jump'd  the  Gardener  and  shoulder'd  his  spade  : 

Up  jump'd  the  Scullion, — the  Footman, — the  Maid  ; 

(The  two  last,  by  the  way,  occasioned  some  scandal, 

By  appearing  together  with  only  one  candle, 

Which  gave  for  unpleasant  surmises  some  handle  ;) 

Up  jump'd  the  Swineherd, — and  up  jump'd  the  big  boy, 

A  nondescript  under  hini,  acting  as  Pig-boy ; 

Butler,  Housekeeper,  Coachman — from  bottom  to  top 

Everybody  jump'd  up  without  parley  or  stop, 

With  the  weapon  which  first  in  their  way  chanced  to  drop, 

Whip,  warming-pan,  wig-block,  mug,  musket,  and  mop. 

Last  of  all  doth  appear, 

With  some  symptoms  of  fear. 
Sir  Thopas  in  person  to  bring  up  the  rear. 
In  a  mix'd  kind  of  costume  half  Pontificalihis, 
Half  what  scholars  denominate  Pure  Naturalibus  ; 

Nay,  the  truth  to  express, 

As  you  '11  easily  guess. 
They  have  none  of  them  time  to  attend  much  to  dress : 


THE  wircnEs'  frolic.  171 

But  He,  or  She, 

As  the  case  may  be, 
He  or  She  seizes  what  He  or  She  pleases, 
Trunk-hosen  or  kirtles,  and  shirts  or  chemises. 
And  thus  one  and  all,  great  and  small,  short  and  tall, 
Muster  at  once  in  the  Vicarage-hall, 
With  upstanding  locks,  starting  eyes,  shorten'd  breath, 
Like  the  folks  in  the  Gallery  Scene  in  Macbeth, 
When  Macduff  is  announcing  their  Sovereign's  death. 
And  hark ! — what  accents  clear  and  strong, 
To  the  listening  throng  came  floating  along ! 
'Tis  Robin  encoring  himself  in  a  song — 
"  Very  good  song!  very  well  sung! 
Jolly  companions  every  one  I" 

On,  on  to  the  cellar !  away  !  away ! 

On,  on,  to  the  cellar  without  more  delay  ! 

The  whole  posae  rush  onwards  in  battle  array — 

Conceive  the  dismay  of  the  party  so  gay. 

Old  Goody  Jones,  Goody  Price,  and  Madge  Gray. 

When  the  door  bursting  wide,  they  descried  the  allied 

Troops,  prepared  for  the  onslaught,  roll  in  like  a  tide, 

And  the  spits,  and  the  tongs,  and  the  pokers  beside  ! — 

'*  Boot  and  saddle's  the  word  !  mount.  Cummers,  and  ride  !" 

Alarm  was  ne'er  caused  more  strong  and  indigenous 

By  cats  among  rats,  or  a  hawk  in  a  pigeon-house : 

Quick  from  the  view 

Away  they  all  flew, 
With  a  yell,  and  a  screech,  and  a  halliballoo, 
"  Hey  up  the  chimney !     Hey  after  you  !" — 
Tlie  Volscians  themselves  made  an  exit  less  speedy 
From  Corioli,  "flutter'd  like  doves"  by  Macready. 

They  are  gone, — save  one 

Robin  alone ! 
Robin,  whose  high  state  of  civilization 
Precludes  all  idea  of  aerostation, 


1V2  THE  witches'  frolic. 

And  who  now  has  no  notion 
Of  more  locomotion 
Than  snflfices  to  kick,  with  much  zeal  and  devotion, 
Right  and  left  at  the  party,  who  pounced  on  tlieir  victim, 
And  maul'd  hin:,  and  kick'd  him,  and  lick'd  him,  and  prick'd 

him. 
As  they  bore  him  away  scarce  aware  what  was  done, 
And  believing  it  all  but  a  part  of  the  fun. 
Hie — hiccoughing  out  the  same  strain  he'd  begun, 
"Jol — jolly  companions  every  one!" 

******* 

Morning  gray 

Scarce  bursts  into  day 
Ere  at  Tappington  Hall  there's  the  deuce  to  pay ; 
The  tables  and  chairs  are  all  placed  in  array 
In  the  old  oak-parlour,  and  in  and  out 
Domestics  and  neighbours,  a  motley  rout. 
Are  walking,  and  wliispering,  and  standing  about- 

And  the  Squire  is  there 

In  his  large  arm-chair. 
Leaning  back  with  a  grave  magisterial  air  ; 

In  the  front  of  a  seat  a 

Huge  volume,  called  Fleta, 
And  Bracton,  a  tome  of  an  old-fashion'd  look, 
And  Coke  upon  Lyttleton,  then  a  new  book  ; 

And  he  moistens  his  lips 

With  occasional  sips 
From  a  luscious  sack-posset  that  smiles  in  a  tankard 
Close  by  on  a  side-table — not  that  he  drank  hard, 

But  because  at  that  day, 

I  hardly  need  say. 
The  Hong  Merchants  had  not  yet  invented  How  Qua, 
Nor  as  yet  would  you  see  Souchong  or  Bohea 
At  the  tables  of  persons  of  any  degree ; 
How  our  ancestors  managed  to  do  without  tea 
I  must  fairly  confess  is  a  mystery  to  me  ; 

Yet  your  Lydgates  and  Chaucera 

Had  no  cups  and  saucers; 


THE  witches'  frolic.  173 

Their  breakfast,  in  fact,  and  the  best  they  could  get, 
Was  a  sort  of  a  dejeuner  a  la  fourchette  ; 

Instead  of  our  slops 

They  had  cutlets  and  chops, 
And  sack-possets,  and  ale  in  stoups,  tankards,  and  pots ; 
And  they  wound  up  the  meal  with  rumpsteaks  and  'schalot;* 

Now  the  Squire  lifts  liis  hand 

With  an  air  of  command. 
And  gives  them  a  sign,  which  they  all  understand, 
To  bring  in  the  culprit;  and  straightway  the  carter 
And  huntsman  drag  in  that  unfortunate  martyr. 
Still  kicking  and  crying,  "  Come, — what  are  you  artor  ? " 
Tlie  charge  is  prepared,  and  the  evidence  clear, 
'"•lie  was  caught  in  the  cellar  a-drinking  the  beer! 
And  came  there,  there's  very  great  reason  to  fear, 
With  companions, — to  say  but  the  least  of  them, — queer; 

Such  as  Witches,  and  creatures 

With  horrible  features, 

And  liorrible  grins, 

And  hook'd  noses  and  chins, 
Who'd  been  playing  the  deuce  with  his  Reverence's  binns." 

Tlie  face  of  his  worship  grows  graver  and  graver. 
As  the  parties  detail  Robin's  shameful  behaviour  ; 
Mister  Buzzard,  the  clerk,  while  the  tale  is  reciting, 
Sits  down  to  reduce  the  aflfair  into  writing,  , 

With  all  proi)er  diction. 

And  due  "legal  fiction ;  " 
Viz. :  "  That  he,  the  said  prisoner,  as  clearly  was  shown, 
Conspiiing  with  folks  to  deponents  unknown, 
With  divers,  that  is  to  say,  two  thousand  peoj^le. 
In  two  thousand  hats,  each  liat  peak'd  like  a  stocjile, 

With  force  and  with  arms, 

And  with  sorcery  and  charms. 

Upon  two  thousand  brooms 

Entered  four  thousand  rooms ; 


IV4  THE  witches'  frolic. 

To  wit,  two  thousand  pantries,  and  two  tiiousand  cellara 

Put  in  bodily  fear  twenty  thousand  in-dwellers, 

And  with  sundry, — that  is  to  say,  two  thousand, — forks, 

Drew  divers, — that  is  to  say,  ten  thousand — corks, 

And,  with  malice  prepense,  down  their  two  thousand  tKi-ot- 

tles. 
Emptied  various, — that  is  to  say,  ten  thousand — ^bottles , 
All  in  breach  of  the  peace, — moved  by  Satan's  malignity — 
And  in  spite  of  King  James,  and  his  Crown,  and  his  Dig 
nity." 

At  words  so  profound 

Rob  gazes  arounv'.. 
But  no  glance  sympathetic  to  cheer  him  is  found. 

— No  glance,  did  I  say? 

Yes,  one! — Madge  Gray! — 
She  is  there,  in  the  midst  of  the  crowd  standing  by. 
And  she  gives  him  one  glance  from  her  coal-black  eye, 
One  touch  to  his  hand,  and  one  word  to  his  ear, — 
(That's  a  line  which  I've  stolen  from  Sir  Walter  I  fear,) 

While  nobody  near 

Seems  to  see  her  or  hear ; 
As  his  worship  takes  up,  and  surveys,  with  a  strict  eye, 
The  broom  now  produced  as  the  corpus  delicti. 

Ere  his  fingers  can  clasp. 

It  is  snatch'd  from  his  grasp. 
The  end  pok'd  in  his  chest  with  a  force  makes  him  gasp, 
And,  despite  the  decorum  so  due  to  the  Quorum., 
His  wor'ship's  upset,  and  so  too  is  his  jorum ; 
And  Madge  is  astride  on  the  broomstick  before  'eni. 
^'^ Hocus  Pocus  !  Quick,  Presto !  and  Hey  Cockolorum  I 
Mount,  mount  for  your  life,  Rob  I — Sir  Justice,  adieu  I — 
- — Hey  up  the  chimney-pot !  hey  after  you  !  " 

Through  the  mystified  group. 

With  a  halloo  and  whoop, 
Madge  on  the  pommel,  and  Robin  en  croupe. 
The  pair  though  the  air  ride  as  if  in  a  chair. 
While  the  pav>y  below  stand  mouth  open  and  siare! 


THE    witches'    frolic.  17o 

"Clean   buni>>aized"  and   amazed,   and  fix'd,   all  tlie   room 

stick, 
"Ohl    what's    gone    with    Robin, — and    Madge, — and    the 

broomstick  ? " 
Ay,  "  what's  gone  "  indeed,  Ifed  ? — of  what  befell 
Madge  Gray  and  the  broomstick,  I  never  heard  tell : 
But  Robin  was  found,  that  morn  on  the  ground. 
In  yon  old  grey  Ruin  again,  safe  and  sound, 
Except  that  at  first  he  complain'd  much  of  thirst. 
And  a  shocking  bad  headach,  of  all  ills  the  worsts 
And  close  by  his  knee 
A  flask  you  might  see. 
But  an  empty  one,  smelling  of  eati  de  vie. 

Rob  from  this  hour  is  an  alter'd  man ; 

He  runs  home  to  his  lodgings  as  fast  as  he  can. 

Sticks  to  his  trade, 

Marries  Miss  Slade, 
Becomes  a  Tee-totaller — that  is  the  same 
As  Tee-totallers  now,  one  in  all  but  the  name ; 
Grows  fond  of  Small-beer,  which  is  always  a  steady  sign. 
Never  drinks  spirits  except  as  a  medicine , 

Learns  to  despise 

Coal-black  eyes. 
Minds  pretty  girls  no  more  than  so  many  Guys ; 
Has  a  family,  lives  to  be  sixty,  and  dies ! 

Now,  my  little  boy  Ned, 
Brush  off  to  your  bed. 
Tie  your  night-cap  on  safe,  or  a  napkin  instead. 
Or  these  terrible  nights  you'll  catch  cold  in  your  head  ; 
And  remember  my  tale,  and  the  moral  it  teaches, 
Which  you'll  find  much  the  same  as  what  Solomon  preachea 
Don't  flirt  with  young  ladies !  don't  practise  soft  speeches ; 
Avoid    waltzes,    quadrilles,    pumps,    silk    hose,   and   knee 

breeches. — 
Frequent  not  grey  Ruins, — shun  riot  and  revelry. 
Hocus  Pocus,  and  Conjuring,  and  all  sorts  of  devilry;— » 


JVC)  THE    witches'    frolic. 

Don't     meddle     with     broomsticks, — they're     Beelzebub' 

switches; 
Of  cellars  keep  clear, — they're  the  devil's  own  ditches ; 
And  beware  of  balls,  banquettings,  brandy,  and — witches! 
Above  all !  don't  run  after  black  eyes ! — ^if  you  do, — 
Depend  on't  you'll  find  what  I  say  will  come  true, — 
Old  Nick,  some  fine  morning,  will  "  hey  after  you  {  " 


Strantre  as  the  events  detailed  in  the  siicccedincf  nar- 
rative  may  appear,  they  are,  I  have  not  tlie  slightest 
doubt,  true  to  the  letter.  Whatever  impression  tney 
may  make  upon  the  Reader,  that  produced  by  them 
on  the  narrator  I  can  aver,  was  neither  light  noi  tran- 
Rient. 


177 


SINGULAR   PASSAGE   IN    THE   LIFE  OF  THE 
LATE  HENRY  HARRIS,  D.  D. 

AS    RELATED    BY    THE    REV.  JOSEPH    INGOLDSBY,   M.A.,  HIS 
FRIEND    AND    EXECUTOR. 

In  order  that  the  extraordinary  circumstance  which 
I  am  about  to  relate,  may  meet  with  the  credit  it  de- 
serves, I  tliink  it  necessary  to  premise,  that  my  reverend 
friend,  among  whose  papers  I  find  it  recorded,  was,  in 
his  Hfetime,  ever  esteemed  as  a  man  of  good  plain 
understanding,  strict  veracity,  and  Imimpeached  morals 
— by  no  means  of  a  nervous  temperament,  or  one  likely 
to  attach  undue  weight  to  any  occurrence  out  of  the 
common  course  of  events,  merely  because  his  reflections 
might  not,  at  the  moment,  afford  him  a  ready  solution 
of  its  difficulties. 

On  tlie  truth  of  his  narrative,  as  far  as  lie  was  per- 
sonally concerned,  no  one  who  knew  him  would  hesitate 
to  place  the  most  implicit  reliance.  His  history  is  briefly 
this  : — He  had  married  early  in  life,  and  was  a  widower 
at  the  age  of  thirty-nine,  with  an  only  daughter,  who 
had  then  arrived  at  puberty,  and  was  just  married  to  a 
near  connection  of  our  own  family.  The  sudden  death 
!)f  her  husband,  occasioned  by  a  fall  from  his  horse, 
only  three  days  after  her  confinement,  was  abruptly 

communicated  to  Mrs.  S by  a  thoughtless  c;irl,  who 

8* 


178  SINGULAR    I'ASSAGil    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

saw  lier  master  brought  lifeless  into  the  house,  and,  with 
all  that  inexplicable  anxiety  to  be  the  first  to  tell  bad 
new9,  so  common  among  the  lower  ordei'S,  ruslied  at 
once  into  the  sick-room  with  her  intellio-ence.  The 
shock  was  too  severe  ;  and  though  the  young  widow 
survived  the  fetal  event  several  months,  yet  she  gradu 
ally  sunk  under  the  blow,  and  expired,  leaving  a  boy, 
not  a  twelvemonth  old,  to  the  care  of  his  maternal 
grandfather. 

My  poor  friend  was  sadly  shaken  by  this  melancholy 
catastrophe ;  time,  however,  and  a  strong  religious  feel- 
ing, succeeded  at  length  in  moderating  the  poignancy 
of  his  grief — a  consummation  much  advanced  by  his 
infant  charge,  who  now  succeeded,  as  it  were  by  inhe- 
ritance, to  the  place  in  his  aftections  left  vacant  by  his 

daughter's  decease.     Frederick  S grew  up  to  be  a 

fine  lad ;  his  person  and  features  were  decidedly  hand- 
some ;  still  there  was,  as  I  remember,  an  unpleasant 
expression  in  his  countenance,  and  an  air  of  reserve, 
attributed,  by  the  few  persons  who  called  occasionally 
at  the  vicarage,  to  the  retired  life  led  by  his  grandfather, 
and  the  little  opportunity  he  had,  in  consequence,  of 
mixing  in  the  society  of  his  equals  in  age  and  intellect. 
Brought  up  entirely  at  home,  his  progress  in  the  com- 
mon branches  of  education  was,  without  any  great  dis- 
play of  precocity,  rather  in  advance  of  the  generality  of 
boys  of  his  own  standing ;  partly  owing,  perhaps,  to  the 
turn  which  even  his  amusements  took  from  the  first. 
His  sole  associate  was  the  son  of  th  3  village  apothecary, 
a  boy  about  two  year?  older  than  himself,  whose  father, 
being  really  clever  in  his  profession,  and  a  good  opera- 
tive chemist,  had  constructed  for  himself  a  small  labo- 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  1 YO 

ratory,  in  which,  as  he  was  fond  of  children,  the  two 
boys  spent  a  great  portion  of  their  leisure  time,  wit- 
nessing many  of  those  little  experiments  so  attractive 
to  youth,  and  in  time  aspiring  to  imitate  what  they 
admired. 

In  such  society,  it  is  not  surprising  that  Frederick 

S should  imbibe  a  strong  taste  for  the  sciences 

which  formed  his  principal  amusement ;  or  that,  .when, 
in  process  of  time,  it  became  necessary  to  choose  his 
walk  in  life,  a  profession  so  intimately  connected  with 
his  favourite  pursuit,  as  that  of  medicine,  should  be 
eagerly  selected.  No  opposition  was  offered  by  my 
friend,  who,  knowing  that  the  greater  part  of  his  own 
income  would  expire  with  his  life,  and  that  the  remain- 
der would  prove  an  insufficient  resource  to  his  grand- 
child, was  only  anxious  that  he  should  follow  such  a 
path  as  would  secure  him  that  moderate  and  respectable 
competency  which  is,  perhaps,  more  conducive  to  real 
happiness  than  a  more  elevated  or  wealthy  station. 
Frederick  was,  accordingly,  at  the  proper  age,  matricu- 
lated at  Oxford,  with  the  view  of  studying  the  higher 
branches  of  medicine,  a  few  months  after  his  friend, 

■John  W ,  had  proceeded  to  Leyden,  for  the  purpose 

of  making  himself  acquainted  with  the  practice  of  sur- 
gery in  the  hospitals  and  lecture-rooms  attached  to  that 
university.  The  boyish  intimacy  of  their  younger  days 
did  not,  as  is  frequently  the  case,  yield  to  separation; 
on  the  contrary,  a  close  correspondence  w^as  kept  up 
between  them.  Dr.  Harris  was  even  prevailed  upon  to 
allow  Frederick  to  take  a  trip  to  Holland  to  see  his 
friend;  and  John  returned  the  visit  to  Frederick  Jit 
Oxford. 


130  SINGULAR.   TASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

Satiafactoiy  aa,  for  some  time,  were  the  accounts  of 

the  general  course    of  Frederick  S 's   studies,  by 

degrees  rumours  of  a  hiss  pleasant  nature  reached  the 
ears  of  some  of  his  friends;  to  the  vicarage,  however,  I 
have  reason  to  believe  they  never  penetrated.  The 
good  old  Doctor  was  too  well  beloved  in  his  parish  for 
any  one  voluntarily  to  give  him  pain ;  and,  after  all, 
nothing  beyond  whispei-s  and  surmises  had  reached 
X- ,  when  the  worthy  vicar  was  surprised  on  a  sud- 
den by  a  request  from  his  grandchild,  that  he  might  be 
permitted  to  take  his  name  off  the  books  of  the  univer- 
sity, and  proceed  to  finish  his  education  in  conjunction 

with   his  friend  W at  Leyden.     Such  a  proposal, 

made,  too,  at  a  time  when  the  period  for  his  graduating 
could  not  be  far  distant,  both  surprised  and  grieved  the 
Doctor ;  he  combated  the  design  with  more  perseverance 
than  he  had  ever  been  known  to  exert  in  opposition  to 
any  declared  wish  of  his  darling  boy  before,  but,  as 
usual,  gave  way,  when  more  strongly  pressed,  from  sheer 
inability  to  persist  in  a  refusal  which  seemed  to  give  so 
much  pain  to  Frederick,  especially  when  the  latter,  with 
more  energy  than  was  quite  becoming  their  relative 
situations,  expressed  his  positive  determination  of  not 
returning  to  Oxford,  whatever  might  be  the  result  of  his 
grandfather's  decision.  My  friend,  his  mind,  perhaps, 
a  little  weakened  by  a  short  but  severe  nervous  attack 
which  he  had  scarcely  recovered  from,  at  length  yielded 
a  reluctant  consent,  and.  Frederick  quitted  England. 

It  was  not  till  some  months  had  elapsed  after  his 
departure,  that  I  had  reason  to  suspect,  that  the  eager 
desire  of  availing  himself  of  opportunities  for  study 
abroad,  not  aftbrded  him  at  home,  Was  not  the  sole. 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  181 

or  even  the  principal,  reason  wliicli  had  drawn  Frede- 
rick so  abruptly  from  his  Alma  Mater.  A  chance  visit 
to  the  university,  and  a  conversation  with  a  senior  fellow 
belonging  to  his  late  college,  convinced  me  of  this  ;  still 
I  found  it  impossible  to  extract  from  the  latter  the  pre- 
cise nature  of  his  offence.  That  he  had  given  way  to 
most  culpable  indulgences,  I  had  before  heard  hinted  ; 
and,  when  I  recollected  how  he  had  been  at  once 
launched,  from  a  state  of  what  might  be  well  called 
seclusion,  into  a  world  where  so  many  enticements 
were  lying  in  wait  to  allure, — with  liberty,  example, 
every  thing  to  tempt  him  from  the  straight  road, — 
regret,  I  frankly  own,  was  more  the  predominant  feel- 
ing in  my  mind  than  either  surprise  or  condemnation. 
13ut  here  was  evidently  something  more  than  mere 
ordinary  excess — some  act  of  profligacy,  perhaps,  of  a 
deeper  stain,  which  had  induced  his  superiors,  who,  at 
first,  had  been  loud  in  his  praises,  to  desire  him  to 
withdraw  himself  quietly,  but  for  ever ;  and  such  an 
intimation,  I  found,  had,  in  fact,  been  conveyed  to  him 
from  an  authority  which  it  was  impossible  to  resist. 
Seeing  that  my  informant  was  determined  not  to  be 
explicit,  I  did  not  press  for  a  disclosure,  which,  if  made, 
would,  in  all  probability,  only  have  given  me  pain,  and 
that   the    rather,   as   my   old  friend  the    Doctor    had 

recently  obtained  a  valuable  living  from  Lord  M , 

only  a  few  miles  distant  from  the  market  town  in 
which  I  resided,  where  he  now  was,  amusing  himself 
in  putting  his  grounds  into  order,  ornamenting  his 
house,  and  getting  everything  ready  against  his  grand- 
son's expected  visit  in  the  following  autumn.  October 
came,  and  with  it  came  Frederick  •  he  rode  over  morr 


182  sixoii.a:!  pashagk  in  the  life  of 

tlian  once  to  see  me,   sonietiines  accompaniec  by  the' 
Doctor,  between   whom  and   myself  the  recent  loss  of 
my  poor   daughter  Louisa  had  drawn  the  chords  of 
sympathy  still  closer. 

More  than  two  years  had  flown  on  in  this  way,  in 

which    Frederick    S had  as    many   times    made 

temporary  visits  to  his  native  country.  The  time  was 
fast  approaching  when  he  was  expected  to  return,  and 
finally  take  up  his  residence  in  England,  when  the 
sudden  illness  of  my  wife's  father  obliged  us  to  take  a 
journey  into  Lancashire,  my  old  friend,  who  had 
himself  a  curate,  kindly  oft'ering  to  fix  his  quarters  at 
my  parsonage,  and  superintend  the  concerns  of  my 
parish  till  my  return. — Alas!  when  I  saw  him  next  he 
was  on  the  bed  of  death  ! 

My  absence  was  necessarily  prolonged  much  beyond 
what  I  had  anticipated.  A  letter,  with  a  foreign  post- 
mark, had,  as  I  afterwards  found,  been  brought  over 
from  his  own  house  to  my  venerable  substitute  in  the 
interval,  and  barely  giving  himself  time  to  transfer  the 
charge  he  had  undertaken  to  a  neighbouring  clergy- 
man, he  had  hurried  oft'  at  once  to  Leyden.  His  arrival 
there  was,  however,  too  late.  Frederick  was  dead  ! — 
killed  in  a  duel,  occasioned,  it  was  said,  by  no  ordinary 
provocation  on  his  part,  although  the  flight  of  his 
antagonist  had  added  to  the  mystery  which  enveloped 
its  origin.  The  long  journey,  its  melancholy  termina- 
tion, and  the  complete  overthrow  of  all  my  poor  friend's 
earthly  hopes,  were  too  much  for  him.  He  appeared 
too, — as  I  was  informed  by  the  proprietor  of  the 
house  in  which  I  found  him,  when  his  summons 
at    length     ha<^]     brouglit     me    to    his    bed-side, — to 


183 

have  received  some  sudden  ami  unaccountable  shock, 
which  even  the  death  of  his  grandson  was  inadequate 
to  explain.  There  was,  indeed,  a  wildness  in  his  fast- 
glazing  eye,  which  mingled  strangely  with  the  glance 
of  satisfaction  thrown  upon  me  as  he  pressed  my  hand  ; 
— he  endeavoured  to  raise  himself,  and  would  have 
opoken,  but  fell  back  in  the  effort,  and  closed  his  eyes 
for  ever. — I  buried  him  there,  by  the  side  of  the  object 
of  his  more  than  parental  affection, — in  a  foreign  land. 

It  is  from  the  papers  that  I  discovered  in  his  travel- 
ling-case that  I  submit  the  following  extracts,  without, 
however,  presuming  to  advance  an  opinion  on  the 
strange  circumstances  which  they  detail,  or  even  as  to 
the  connection  which  some  may  fancy  they  discover 
between  different  parts  of  them. 

The  first  was  evidently  written  at  my  own  house,  and 
bears  date  August  the  loth,  18 — ,  about  three  weeks 
after  my  own  departure  for  Preston.     It  begins  thus  : — 

"  Tuesday,  August  15. — Poor  girl ! — I  forget  who  it 
is  that  says,  '  the  real  ills  of  life  are  light  in  comparison 
with  fancied  evils  ;'  and  certainly  the  scene  I  have  just 
witnessed  goes  some  way  towards  estabhsliing  the  truth 
of  the  hypothesis. — Among  the  afflictions  which  flesh 
is  heir  to,  a  diseased  imagination  is  far  from  being  the 
lightest,  even  when  considered  separately,  and  without 
taking  into  the  account  tliose  bodily  pains  and  suffer- 
inofs  wliichs — so  close  is  the  connection  between  mind 
and  matter, — are  but  too  frequently  attendant  upon  any 
disorder  of  the  fancy.  Seldom  has  my  interest  been 
more  powerfully  excited  than  by  poor  Mary  Graham. 
Her  age,  her  appearance,  her  pale,  melancholy  features, 
the  very  contoT  of  her   countenance,  all   conspired    to 


184  SINGULAR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

j-eniiiicl  me,  but  too  forcibly,  of  one  wlio,  waking  or 
sleeping,  is  never  long  absent  from  my  thoughts, — but 
enough  of  this. 

"  A  fine  morning  had  succeeded  one  of  the  most 
tempestuous  nights  I  ever  remember,  and  I  was  just 
sitting  down  to  a  substantial  breakfast,  which  the  care 
of  my  friend  Ingoldsby's  housekeeper,  kind-hearted 
Mrs.  Wilson,  had  prepared  for  me,  when  I  was  inter- 
rupted by  a  summons  to  the  sick-bed  of  a  young 
parishioner  whom  I  had  frequently  seen  in  my  walks, 
and  had  remarked  for  the  regularity  of  her  attendance 
at  Divine  worship. — Mary  Graham  is  the  elder  of  two 
daughters,  residing  with  their  mother,  the  widow  of  an 
attorney,  who,  dying  suddenly  in  the  prime  of  life,  left 
his  family  but  slenderly  provided  for.  A  strict  though 
not  parsimonious  economy  has,  however,  enabled  them 
to  live  with  an  appearance  of  respectability  and  com- 
fort ;  and  from  the  personal  attractions  which  both  the 
girls  possess,  their  mother  is  evidently  not  without  hopes 
of  seeing  one,  at  least,  of  them  advantageously  settled 
in  life.  As  far  as  poor  Mary  is  concerned,  I  fear  she  is 
doomed  to  inevitable  disappointment,  as  I  am  much 
mistaken  if  consumption  has  not  laid  its  wasting  finger 
upon  her;  while  this  last  recurrence,  of  what  I  cannot 
but  believe  to  be  a  most  formidable  epileptic  attack, 
threatens  to  shake  out,  with  even  added  velocity,  the 
little  sand  that  may  yet  remain  within  the  hour-glass 
of  time.  Her  very  delusion,  too,  is  of  such  a  nature  as, 
by  adding  to  bodily  illness  the  agitation  of  superstitious 
terror,  can  scarcely  fail  to  accelerate  the  catastrophe, 
which  I  think  I  see  fast  approaching. 

"  Before   I  Avas  introduced  into  the   sick-room,   ho? 


T.'IK    LA'IE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  185 

sister,  who  had  been  watching  my  arrival  from  the 
window,  took  me  into  their  httle  parlour,  and,  after 
the  usual  civihties,  began  to  prepare  me  for  the  visit 
I  was  about  to  pay.  Her  countenance  was  marked  at 
once  with  trouble  and  alarm,  and  in  a  low  tone  of  voice, 
which  some  internal  emotion,  rather  than  the  fear  of 
disturbing  the  invalid  in  a  distant  room,  had  subdued 
almost  to  a  whisper,  informed  me  that  my  presence  was 
become  necessary,  not  more  as  a  clergyman  than  a 
magistrate ; — that  the  disorder  with  which  her  sister 
had,  during  the  night,  been  so  suddenly  and  unaccounta- 
bly seized,  was  one  of  no  common  kind,  but  attended 
with  circumstances  which,  coupled  with  the  declarations 
of  the  sufferer,  took  it  out  of  all  ordinary  calculations, 
?.nd,  to  use  her  own  expression,  that  '  malice  was  at  the 
bottom  of  it.' 

"Naturally  supposing  that  these  insinuation*  were 
intended  to  intimate  the  partaking  of  some  deleterious 
substance  on  the  part  of  the  invahd,  I  inquired  what 
reason  she  had  for  imagining,  in  the  first  place,  that 
anything  of  a  poisonous  nature  had  been  administered 
at  all ;  and,  secondly,  what  possible  incitement  an^^ 
human  being  could  have  for  the  perpetration  of  so  foul 
a  deed  towards  so  innocent  and  unoffending  an  indivi- 
dual? Her  answer  considerably  relieved  the  appre- 
hensions I  had  begun  to  entertain  lest  the  poor  girl 
should,  from  some  unknown  cause,  have  herself  been 
attempting  to  rush  uncalled  into  the  presence  of  her 
Creator ;  at  the  same  time,  it  surprised  me  not  a  little 
by  its  apparent  want  of  rationality  and  common  sense. 
She  had  no  reason  to  believe,  she  said,  that  her  sister 
had  taken  poison,  or  that  any  attempt  upon  her  life 


186  SINGUT,AR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    L[FE    OF 

had  been  made,  or  was,  perhaps,  contemplated,  but 
that  '  still  malice  was  at  work, — the  malice  of  villains 
or  fiends,  or  of  both  combined  ;  that  no  causes  purely 
natural  would  suffice  to  account  for  the  state  in  which 
her  sister  had  been  now  twice  placed,  or  for  the  dread- 
ful sufferings  she  had  undergone  while  in  tliat  state ; 
and  that  she  was  determined  the  whole  aff*air  should 
undergo  a  thorough  investigation.'  Seeing  that  the 
poor  girl  was  now  herself  labouring  imder  a  great 
degree  of  excitement,  I  did  not  think  it  necessary  to 
enter  at  that  moment  into  a  discussion  upon  the  absur- 
dity of  her  opinion,  but  applied  myself  to  the  tranquil- 
lizing her  mind  by  assurances  of  a  proper  inquiry,  and  then 
drew  her  attention  to  the  symptoms  of  the  indisposition, 
and  the  way  in  which  it  had  first  made  its  appearance^ 

"  The  violence  of  the  storm  last  night  had,  I  found, 
induced  the  whole  family  to  sit  up  far  beyond  their 
usual  hour,  till,  wearied  out  at  length,  and,  as  their 
mother  observed,  '  tired  of  burning  fire  and  candle  to 
no  purpose,'  they  repaired  to  their  several  chambers. 

"  The  sisters  occupied  the  same  room  ;  Elizabeth  was 
already  at  their  humble  toilet,  and  had  commenced  the 
arrangement  of  her  hair  for  the  night,  when  her  atten- 
tion was  at  once  drawn  from  her  employment  by  a  half 
smothered  shriek  and  exclamation  from  her  sister,  who, 
in  her  delicate  state  of  health,  had  found  walking  up 
two  flights  of  stairs,  perhaps  a  little  more  quickly  than 
usual,  an  exertion,  to  recover  from  which  she  had  sen  ted 
herself  in  'i  large  arm-chair. 

"  Turning  hastily  at  the  sound,  she  perceived  Mary 
'leadly  pale,  grasping,  as  it  were  convulsively,  each  arm 
of  the  clmir  which  supported  her,  and  bending  forward 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  187 

in  the  attitude  of  listening ;  her  lips  were  trembling  and 
bloodless,  cold  drops  of  perspiration  stood  upon  her 
forehead,  and  in  an  instant  after,  exclaiming  in  a  pierc 
ing  tone,  '  Hark  !  they  are  calling  me  again  !  it  is — 
it  is  the  same  voice  ; — Oh  no  !  no  ! — Oh  my  God  !  save 
me,  Betsy, — hold  me — save  me  !'  she  fell  forward  upon 
the  floor.  Elizabeth  flew  to  her  assistance,  raised  her, 
and  by  her  cries  brought  both  her  mother,  who  had 
not  yet  got  into  bed,  and  their  only  servant  girl,  to  her 
aid.  The  latter  was  despatched  at  once  for  medical 
help ;  but,  from  the  appearance  of  the  sufterer,  it  was 
much  to  be  feared  that  she  would  soon  be  beyond  the 
reach  of  art.  Her  agonized  parent  and  sister  succeeded 
in  bearing  her  between  them  and  placing  her  on  a  bed  ; 
a  ftiint  and  intermittent  pulsation  was  for  a  while  percepti- 
ble ;  but  in  a  few  moments  a  general  shudder  shook  the 
whole  body  ;  the  pulse  ceased,  the  eyes  became  fixed  and 
glassy,  the  jaw  dropped,  a  cold  clamminess  usurped  the 

place  of  the  genial  warmth  of  life.     Before  Mr.  I 

arrived,  everything  announced  that  dissolution  had  taken 
place,  and  that  the  freed  spirit  had  quitted  its  mortal 
tenement. 

"The  appearance  of  the  surgeon  confirmed  their 
worst  apprehensions ;  a  vein  was  opened,  but  the  blood 

refused  to  flow,  and  Mr.  I pi-onounced  that  the 

vital  spark  was  indeed  extinguished. 

"  The  poor  mother,  whose  attachment  to  lier  children 
was  perhaps  the  more  powerful,  as  they  were  the  sole 
relatives  or  connections  she  had  in  the  world,  was  over- 
whelmed with  a  grief  amounting  almost  to  frenzy ;  it 
was  with  difficulty  that  she  w;is  removed  to  her  own 
room  bv  the   united    strength   of   her    daughter,   and 


188  SINGULAR    PASSAGE    FN    THE    LIFE    OF 

medical  adviser.  Nearly  an  lioiir  elapsed  during  the 
endeavo  ir  at  calming  her  transports  ;  they  had  suc- 
ceeded, however,  to  a  certain  extent,  and  Mr.  I had 

taken  his  leave,  when  Elizabeth,  re-entering  the  bed- 
chamber in  which  her  sister  lay,  in  order  to  pay  the  last 
sad  duties  to  her  corpse,  was  horror-struck  at  seeing  a 
crimson  stream  of  blood  running  down  the  side  of  the 
counterpane  to  the  floor.  Her  exclamation  brought  the 
girl  again  to  her  side,  when  it  was  perceived,  to  their 
astonishment,  that  the  sanguine  stream  proceeded  from 
the  arm  of  the  body,  which  was  now  manifesting  signs 
of  returning  life.  The  half  frantic  mother  flew  to  the 
room,  and  it  was  with  difficulty  that  they  could  prevent 
her,  in  her  agitation,  from  so  acting  as  to  extinguish  for 
ever  the  hope  which  had  begun  to  rise  in  their  bosoms. 
A  long-drawn  sigh,  amounting  almost  to  a  groan,  fol- 
lowed by  several  convulsive  gaspings,  was  the  prelude 
to  the  restoration  of  the  animal  functions  in  poor  Mary : 
a  shi-iek  almost  preternaturally  loud,  considering  her 
state  of  exhaustion,  succeeded  ;  but  she  did  recover,  and 
with  the  help  of  restoratives,  was  well  enough  towards 
morning  to  express  a  strong  desire  that  I  should  be  sent 
for, — a  desire  the  more  readily  complied  with,  inas- 
much as  the  strange  expressions  and  declarations  she 
had  made  since  her  restoration  to  consciousness,  had 
filled  her  sister  with  the  most  horrible  suspicions.  The 
nature  of  these  suspicions  was  such  as  would  at  any 
other  time,  perhaps,  have  raised  a  smile  upon  my 
lips  ;  but  the  distress,  and  even  agony  of  the  poor 
girl,  as  she  half  hinted  and  half  expressed  them,  weic 
such  as  entirely  to  preclude  every  sensation  at  al) 
approaching  to  mirth.      Without  endeavouring,   there 


THE    LATE    IIENflY    HARRIS,    D.D.  189 

fore,  to  combat  ideas,  evidently  too  strongly  impressed 
up(~jn  lier  mind  at  the  moment  to  admit  of  present  refu- 
tation, I  merely  used  a  few  encouraging  words,  md 
requested  lier  to  precede  me  to  the  sick-chamber. 

"The  invahd  was  lying  on  the  outside  of  the  bed, 
partly  dressed,  and  wearing  a  white  dimity  wrapping- 
grown  the  colour  of  which  corresponded  but  too  well 
with  the  deadly  paleness  of  her  complexion.  Her  cheek 
was  wan  and  sunken,  giving  an  extraordinary  promi- 
nence to  her  eye,  which  gleamed  with  a  lustrous 
briUiancy  not  unfrequently  characteristic  of  the  aberra- 
tion of  intellect.  I  took  her  hand ;  it  was  chill  and 
clammy,  the  pulse  feeble  and  intermittent,  and  the 
general  debility  of  her  frame  was  such,  that  I  would  fain 
have  persuaded  her  to  defer  any  conversation  which,  in 
her  piesent  state,  she  might  not  be  equal  to  support. 
Her  positive  assurance  that,  until  she  had  disburdened 
herself  of  what  she  called  her  'dreadful  secret,'  she 
could"  know  no  rest  either  of  mind  or  body,  at  length 
induced  me  to  comply  with  her  wish,  opposition  to 
which,  in  her  then  fi-ame  of  mind,  might  perhaps  be 
attended  with  even  worse  effects  than  its  indulgence.  I 
bowed  acquiescence,  and  in  a  low  and  faltering  voice, 
with  frequent  interruptions,  occasioned  by  her  weakness, 
she  gave  me  the  following  singular  account  of  the  sen- 
sations which,  she  averred,  had  been  experienced  by  her 
during  her  trance  : — 

"  '  This,  sir,'  she  began,  '  is  not  the  first  time  that  the 
cruelty  of  others  has,  for  what  purpose  I  am  unable  to 
conjecture,  put  me  to  a  degree  of  torture  which  I  can 
compare  to  no  Stiffering,  either  of  body  or  mind,  which 
T  have  e^'e^*  before  experienced.     On  a  former  occasion 


',90  SINGULAR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

I  was  willing  to  believe  it  the  mere  effect  of  a  hideous 
dream,  or  wliat  is  vulgarly  termed  the  nightmare ;  but, 
this  repetition,  and  the  circumstances  under  which  I  was 
last  summoned,  at  a  time,  too,  when  x.  had  not  even 
composed  myself  to  rest,  fatally  convince  me  of  the 
reality  of  what  I  have  seen  and  suffered. 

"  '  This  is  no  time  for  concealment  of  any  kind. — It 
is  now  more  than  a  twelvemonth  since  I  was  in  the 
habit  of  occasionally  encountering  in  my  walks  a  young 
man  of  prepossessing  appearance,  and  gentlemanly 
deportment :  he  was  always  alone,  and  generally  read- 
ing ;  but  I  could  not  be  long  in  doubt  that  these 
rencounters,  which  became  every  week  more  frequent, 
were  not  the  eftect  of  accident,  or  that  his  attention, 
when  we  did  meet,  was  less  directed  to  his  book  than 
to  my  sister  and  myself.  He  even  seemed  to  wish  to 
address  us,  and  I  have  no  doubt  would  have  taken  some 
other  opportunity  of  doing  so,  had  not  one  been 
afforded  him  by  a  strange  dog  attacking  us  one  Sunday 
morning  in  our  way  to  church,  which  he  beat  oflf,  and 
made  use  of  this  little  service  to  promote  an  acquaint- 
ance. His  name,  he  said,  was  Francis  Somers,  and 
added  that  he  was  on  a  visit  to  a  relation  of  the  same 

name,  resident  a  few  miles  from  X .     He  gave  us  to 

understand  that  he  was  himself  studying  surgery  with 
the  view  to  a  medical  appointment  in  one  of  the  colonies. 
Vou  are  not  to  suppose,  sir,  that  he  had  entered  thus 
into  his  conceras  at  the  first  interview ;  it  was  not  till 
our  acquaintance  had  ripened,  and  he  had  visited  our 
house  more  than  once  with  my  mv>ther's  sanction,  thai 
these  particulars  were  elicited.  He  never  disguised, 
from  the  first,  that  an  attachment  to  myself  was  his 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  191 

object  originally  in  introducing  himself  to  our  notice ;  as 
his  prospects  were  comparatively  flattering,  my  mother 
did  not  raise  any  impediment  to  his  attentions,  and  1 
own  I  received  them  with  pleasure. 

"  '  Days  and  weeks  elapsed  ;  and  although  the  dis- 
tance at  which  his  relation  resided,  prevented  the  possi- 
bility of  an  uninterrupted  intercourse,  yet  neither  was  it 
so  great  as  to  preclude  his  frequent  visits.  The  interval 
of  a  day,  or  at  most  of  two,  was  all  that  intervened,  and 
these  temporary  absences  certainly  did  not  decrease  the 
pleasure  of  the  meetings  with  which  they  terminated. 
At  length  a  pensive  expression  began  to  exhibit  itself 
upon  his  countenance,  and  I  could  not  but  remark  that 
at  every  visit  he  became  more  abstracted  and  reserved. 
The  eye  of  affection  is  not  slow  to  detect  any  symptom 
of  uneasiness  in  a  quarter  dear  to  it.  I  spoke  to  him, 
questioned  him  on  the  subject :  his  answer  was  evasive, 
and  I  said  no  more.  My  mother  too,  liowever,  had 
marked  the  same  appearance  of  melancholy,  and  pressed 
him  more  strongly.  He  at  length  admitted  that  his 
spirits  were  depressed,  and  that  their  depression  was 
caused  by  the  necessity  of  an  early,  though  but  a 
temporary,  separation.  His  uncle,  and  only  friend,  he 
said,  had  long  insisted  on  his  spending  some  months  on 
the  Continent,  with  the  view  of  completing  his  profes- 
sional education,  ari  that  the  time  was  now  fast 
approaching  when  it  would  be  necessary  for  him  to 
commence  his  journey.  A  look  made  the  inquiry  which 
my  tongue  refused  to  utter.  '  Yes,  dearest  Mary,'  was 
his  reply,  'I  have  communicated  our  attachment  to 
him,  partially  at  least :  and  though  I  dare  not  say  that 
the  intimation  was  received  as  I  could  have  wished,  yet 


192  SINGULAR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

I  have,  perhaps,  on  the  whole,  no  fair  reason  to  be  dis- 
satisfied with  his  reply. 

"  '  The  completion  of  my  studies,  and  my  settlement 
in  the  world,  must,  my  uncle  told  me,  be  the  first  con- 
sideration ;  when  these  material  points  were  achieved, 
he  should  not  interfere  with  any  arrangement  that 
might  be  found  essential  to  my  happiness  ;  at  the  same 
time  he  has  positively  refused  to  sanction  any  engage- 
ment at  present,  which  may,  he  says,  have  a  tendency 
to  divert  my  attention  from  those  pursuits,  on  the  due 
prosecution  of  which  my  future  situation  in  life  must 
depend.  A  compromise  between  love  and  duty  was 
eventually  wrung  from  me,  though  reluctantly  ;  I  have 
pledged  myself  to  proceed  immediately  to  my  destination 
abroad,  with  a  full  understanding  that  on  my  return,  a 
twelvemonth  hence,  no  obstacle  shall  be  thrown  in  the 
way  of  what  are,  I  trust,  our  mutual  wishes.' 

"'I  will  not  attempt  to  describe  the  feehngs  with 
which  I  received  this  communication,  nor  will  it  be  ne- 
cessary to  say  anything  of  what  passed  at  the  few  inter- 
views which  took  place  before  Francis  quitted  X . 

The  evening  immediately  previous  to  that  of  his  depar- 
ture lie  passed  in  this  house,  and,  before  we  separated, 
renewed  his  protestations  of  an  unchangeable  aflfection, 
requiring  a  similar  assurance  from  me  in  return.  I  did 
not  hesitate  to  make  it.  '  Bo  satisfied,  my  dear  Francis,* 
said  I,  'that  no  diminution  in  the  regard  I  have  avowed 
can  ever  take  place,  and  though  absent  in  body,  my 
heart  and  soul  will  still  be  with  you.' — '  Swear  this,'  lie 
cried,  with  a  suddenness  and  energy  which  surprised, 
and  rather  startled  me ;  'promise  that  you  will  be  with 
me  in  spirit^  at  least,  when  I  am  far  away.'    I  gave  him 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  193 

Tiiy  hand,  but  that  was  not  sufficient.  '  One  of  these 
dark  shining  ringlets,  my  dear  Mary,'  said  he,  '  as  a 
pledge  that  you  will  not  forget  your  vow  !'  I  suffered 
him  to  take  the  scissors  from  my  work-box  and  to  sever 
a  lock  of  my  hair,  which  he  placed  in  his  bosom. — The 
next  day  he  was  pursuing  his  journey,  and  the  waves 
were  already  bearing  him  from  England. 

"  'I  had  letters  from  him  repeatedly  during  the  first 
three  months  of  his  absence  ;  they  spoke  of  his  health, 
his  prospects,  and  of  his  love,  but  by  degrees  the  inter- 
vals between  each  arrival  became  longer,  and  I  fancied 
I  perceived  some  falling  off  from  that  warmth  of  ex- 
pression which  had  at  first  characterized  his  commu- 
nications. 

"  *  One  night  I  had  retired  to  rest  rather  later  than 
usual,  having  sat  by  the  bedside,  comparing  his  last 
brief  note  with  some  of  his  earlier  letters,  and  was 
endeavouring  to  convince  myself  that  my  apprehensions 
of  his  fickleness  were  unfounded,  when  an  undefinable 
sensation  of  restlessness  and  anxiety  seized  upon  me.  I 
cannot  compare  it  to  anything  I  had  ever  experienced 
before  ;  my  pulse  fluttered,  ray  heart  beat  with  a  quick- 
ness and  violence  which  alarmed  me,  and  a  strange 
tremor  shook  my  whole  frame.  I  retired  hastily  to 
bed,  in  hopes  of  getting  rid  of  so  unpleasant  a  sensation, 
but  in  vain  ;  a  vague  apprehension  of  I  knew  not  what 
occupied  my  mind,  and  vainly  did  I  endeavour  to  shake 
it  off.  I  can  compare  ray  feelings  to  nothing  but  those 
which  we  sometimes  experience  when  about  to  under- 
take a  long  and  unpleasant  journey,  leaving  those  we 
love  behind  us.  More  than  once  did  I  raise  myself  in 
my  bed  and  listen,  fancying  that  I  heard  myself  called^ 

FIRST    SERIES.  r< 


194  SINGULAR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

and  on  each  of  these  occasions  the  fluttering  of  my 
heart  increased.  Twice  I  was  on  the  point  of  caUing-  to 
my  sister,  who  then  slept  in  an  adjoining  room,  but  she 
had  gone  to  bed  indisposed,  and  an  unwilHngness  to  dis- 
turb either  her  or  my  mother  checked  me  ;  the  large 
clock  in  the  room  below  at  this  moment  began  to  strike 
the  hour  of  twelve.  I  distinctly  heard  its  vibrations,  but 
ere  its  sounds  had  ceased,  a  bm*ning  heat,  as  if  a  hot 
iron  had  been  applied  to  my  temple,  was  succeeded  by  a 
dizziness, — a  swoon, — a  total  loss  of  consciousness  as  to 
where  or  in  what  situation  I  was. 

"  '  A  pain,  violent,  sharp,  and  piercing,  as  though  my 
whole  frame  were  lacerated  by  some  keen-edged  weapon, 
roused  me  from  this  stupor, — but  where  was  I  ?  Every- 
thing was  strange  around  me — a  shadowy  dimness  ren- 
dered every  object  indistinct  and  uncertain  ;  methought, 
however,  that  I  was  seated  in  a  large,  antique,  high- 
backed  chair,  several  of  which  were  near,  their  tall  black 
carved-frames  and  seats  interwoven  with  a  lattice-work 
of  cane.  The  apartment  in  which  I  sat  was  one  of 
moderate  dimensions,  and  from  its  sloping  roof,  seemed 
to  be  the  upper  story  of  the  edifice,  a  i'act  confirmed  by 
the  moon  shining  without,  in  full  effulgence,  on  a  huge 
round  tower,  which  its  light  rendered  plainly  visible 
through  the  open  casement,  and  the  summit  of  which 
appeared  but  little  superior  in  elevation  to  the  room  1 
occupied.  Rather  to  the  right,  and  in  the  distance,  the 
spire  of  some  cathedral  or  lofty  church  was  visible,  while 
sundry  gable-ends,  and  tops  of  houses,  told  me  I  was  in 
the  midst  of  a  populous  but  unknown  city. 

" '  The  apartment  itself  had  something  strange  in  ita 
appearance  ;  and,  in  the  character  of  its  furniture  and 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  195 

appurtenances,  bore  little  or  no  resemblance  to  any  I  had 
ever  seen  before.  The  fire-place  was  large  and  wide, 
with  a  pair  of  what  are  sometimes  called  andirons, 
betokening  that  wood  was  the  principal,  if  not  the 
only  fuel  consumed  within  its  recess  ;  a  fierce  fire  was 
now  blazing  in  it,  the  light  from  which  rendered  visible 
the  remotest  parts  of  the  chamber.  Over  a  lofty  old- 
fashioned  mantelpiece,  carved  heavily  in  imitation  of 
fruits  and  flowers,  hung  the  half-length  portrait  of  a 
gentleman  in  a  dark-coloured  foreign  habit,  with  a 
peaked  beard  and  mustaches,  one  hand  resting  upon  a 
table,  the  other  supporting  a  sort  of  baton,  or  short 
military  staft",  the  summit  of  which  was  surmounted  by 
a  silver  falcon.  Several  antique  chaii-s,  similar  in  appear- 
ance to  those  already  mentioned,  surrounded  a  massive 
oaken  table,  the  length  of  which  much  exceeded  its 
width.  At  the  lower  end  of  this  piece  of  furniture  stood 
the  chair  I  occupied ;  on  the  upper,  was  placed  a  small 
chafing  dish  filled  with  burning  coals,  and  darting  forth 
occasionally  long  flashes  of  various-coloured  fire,  the  bril- 
liance of  which  made  itself  visible,  even  above  the  strong 
illumination  emitted  from  the  chimney.  Two  huge, 
black,  japanned  cabinets,  with  clawed  feet,  reflecting 
from  their  polished  surfaces  the  effulgence  of  the  flame, 
were  placed  one  on  each  side  the  casement-window  to 
which  I  have  alluded,  and  with  a  few  shelves  loaded 
with  books,  many  of  which  were  also  strewed  in  disorder 
on  the  floor,  completed  the  list  of  the  furniture  in 
the  apartment.  Some  strange-looking  instruments,  of 
unknown  form  and  purpose,  lay  on  the  table  near  the 
chafing-dish,  on  the  other  side  of  which  a  miniature  por- 
trait of  myself  hung,  reflected  by  a  small  c  val  mirror  iD 


196  BI^rGDLAR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

a  dark-coloured  frame,  while  a  large  open  volume,  traced 
with  strange  characters  of  the  colour  of  blood,  lay  in 
front :  a  goblet,  containing  a  few  drops  of  liquid  of  the 
same  ensanguined  hue,  was  by  its  side. 

"*But  of  the  objects  which  I  have  endeavoured  to 
describe,  none  arrested  my  attention  so  forcibly  as  two 
others.  These  were  the  figures  of  two  young  men,  in 
the  prime  of  life,  only  separated  from  me  by  the  table 
They  were  dressed  alike,  each  in  a  long  flowing  gown, 
made  of  some  sad -coloured  stuff,  and  confined  at  the 
waist  by  a  crimson  girdle  ;  one  of  them,  the  shorter  of 
the  two,  was  occupied  in  feeding  the  embers  of  the 
chafing-dish  with  a  resinous  powder,  which  produced 
and  maintained  a  brilliant  but  flickering  blaze,  to  the 
action  of  which  his  companion  was  exposing  a  long  lock 
of  dark  chestnut  hair,  that  shrank  and  shrivelled  as  it 
approached  the  flame.  But,  O  God  ! — that  hair ! — and 
the  form  of  him  who  held  it!  that  face !  those  features  ! 
— not  for  one  instant  could  I  entertain  a  doubt — it  was 
He !  Francis  ! — the  lock  he  grasped  was  mine,  the  very 
pledge  of  affection  I  had  given  him,  and  still,  as  it  par- 
tially encountered  the  fire,  a  burning  heat  seemed  to 
Bcorch  the  temple  from  which  it  had  been  taken,  con- 
veying a  torturing  sensation  that  affected  my  very  brain. 

"  '  How  shall  I  proceed  ? — but  no,  it  is  impossible, — 
not  even  to  you,  sir,  can  I — dare  I — recount  the  proceed- 
ings of  that  unhallowed  night  of  horror  and  of  shame. 
Were  my  life  extended  to  a  term  commensurate  with 
that  of  the  Patriarchs  of  old,  never  could  its  detestable, 
its  damning  pollutions  be  effaced  from  my  remembrance ; 
and  oh  !  above  all,  never  could  I  forget  the  diabolical 
glee  which  sparkled  ir  the  eyes  of  my  fiendish  tormen- 


THE    LATE    HENilY    HARRIS,    D.D.  19T 

tors,  as  they  witnessed  the  worse  than  useless  strugi/les  of 
their  miserable  victim.  Oh  1  why  was  it  not  permitted  me 
to  take  refuge  in  unconsciousness — nay,  in  death  itself 
from  the  abominations  of  which  I  was  compelled  to  be, 
not  only  a  witness,  but  a  partaker  ?  But  it  is  enough, 
sir ;  I  will  not  further  shock  your  nature  by  dweUing 
%  longer  on  a  scene,  the  full  horrors  of  which,  words,  if  I 
even  dared  employ  any,  would  be  inadequate  to  express ; 
suffice  it  to  say,  that  after  being  subjected  to  it,  how 
long  I  knew  not,  but  certainly  for  more  than  an  hour,  a 
noise  from  below  seemed  to  alarm  my  persecutors ;  a 
pause  ensued, — the  lights  were  extinguished, — and,  as 
the  sound  of  a  footstep  ascending  a  staircase  became 
more  distinct,  my  forehead  felt  again  the  excruciating 
sensation  of  heat,  while  the  embers,  kindling  into  a 
momentary  flame,  betrayed  another  portion  of  the  ring- 
let consuming  in  the  blaze.  Fresh  agonies  succeeded, 
not  less  severe,  and  of  a  similar  description  to  those 
which  had  seized  upon  me  at  first ;  oblivion  again  fol- 
lowed, and  on  being  at  length  restored  to  consciousness, 
I  found  myself  as  you  see  me  now,  faint  and  exhausted, 
weakened  in  every  limb,  and  every  fibre  quivering  with 
agitation. — My  groans  soon  brought  my  sister  to  my 
aid ;  it  was  long  before  I  could  summon  resolution  to 
confide,  even  to  her,  the  dreadful  secret,  and  when  I  had 
done  so,  her  strongest  efibrts  were  not  wanting  to  per- 
suade me  that  I  had  been  labouring  under  a  severe  attack 
of  nightmare.  I  ceased  to  argue,  but  I  was  not  con- 
vinced :  the  whole  scene  was  then  too  present,  too 
awfully  real,  to  permit  me  to  doubt  the  character  of  the 
transaction  ;  and  if,  when  a  few  days  had  elapsed,  the 
hopelessness  of  imparting   to  others  the  conviction  T 


198  SINGUl-AR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

entertained  mj^self,  produced  in  me  an  apparent  acquies- 
cence with  their  opinion,  I  have  never  been  the  less 
satisfied  that  no  cause  reducible  to  the  known  laws  of 
nature  occasioned  my  sufterings  on  that  hellish  evening. 
Whether  that  firm  belief  might  have  eventually  yielded 
to  time, — whether  I  might  at  length  have  been  brought 
to  consider  all  that  had  passed,  and  the  circumstances  " 
which  I  could  never  cease  to  remember,  as  a  mere  phan- 
tasm, the  oflfspring  of  a  heated  imagination  acting  upon 
an  enfeebled  body,  I  know  not — last  night,  however, 
would  in  any  case  have  dispelled  the  flattering  illusion 
— last  night — last  night  was  the  whole  horrible  scene 
acted  over  again.  The  place — the  actors — the  whole 
infernal  apparatus  were  the  same ; — the  same  insults,  the 
same  torments,  the  same  brutalities — all  were  renewed, 
Bave  that  the  period  of  my  agony  was  not  so  prolonged. 
I  became  sensible  to  an  incision  in  my  arm,  though  the 
hand  that  made  it  was  not  visible  ;  at  the  same  moment 
ray  persecutors  paused;  they  were  manifestly  discon- 
certed, and  the  companion  of  him,  whose  name  shall 
never  more  pass  my  lips,  muttered  something  to  his 
abettor  in  evident  agitation  ;  the  formula  of  an  oath  of 
horrible  import  was  dictated  to  me  in  terms  fearfully 
distinct.  I  refused  it  unhesitatingly  ;  again  and  again 
was  it  proposed,  with  menaces  I  tremble  to  think  on — 
but  I  refused  ;  the  same  sound  was  heard — interruption 
was  evidently  apprehended, — the  same  ceremony  was 
hastily  repeated,  and  I  again  found  myself  released,  lying 
on  my  own  bed,  with  my  mother  and  my  sister  weep- 
in  «•  over  me. — O  God !  0  God  !  ^vhen  and  how  is  this 
to  end  ? — When  will  my  spirit  be  left  in  peace  ?— 
Where,  or  with  whom  shall  I  find  refuge  ? ' 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  199 

"  It  is  impossible  to  convey  any  adequate  idea  of 
the  emotions  with  which  this  unhappy  girl's  narrative 
affected  me.  It  must  not  be  supposed  that  her  story 
was  delivered  in  the  same  continuous  and  uninterrupted 
strain  in  which  I  have  transcribed  its  substance.  On 
the  contrary,  it  was  not  without  frequent  intervals,  of 
longer  or  shorter  duration,  that  her  account  was  brouglit 
to  a  conclusion  :  indeed,  many  passages  of  her  strange 
dream  were  not  without  the  greatest  difficulty  and  re- 
luctance communicated  at  all. — My  task  was  no  easy 
one;  never,  in  the  course  of  a  long  life  spent  in  the 
active  duties  of  my  Christian  calling, — never  had  I  been 
summoned  to  such  a  conference  before  ! 

"To  the  half-avowed,  and  palliated,  confession  of 
committed  guilt,  I  had  often  listened,  and  pointed  out 
the  only  road  to  secure  its  forgiveness.  I  had  succeeded 
in  cheering  the  spirit  of  despondency,  and  sometimes 
even  in  calming  the  ravings  of  despair  ;  but  here  I  had 
a  different  enemy  to  combat,  an  ineradicable  prejudice 
to  encounter,  evidently  backed  by  no  common  share  of 
superstition,  and  confirmed  by  the  mental  weakness  at- 
tendant upon  severe  bodily  pain.  To  argue  the  sufferer 
out  of  an  opinion  so  rooted  was  a  hopeless  attempt.  I 
did,  however,  essay  it :  I  spoke  to  her  of  the  strong  and 
mysterious  connection  maintained  between  our  waking 
images  and  those  which  haunt  us  in  our  dreams,  and 
more  especially  during  that  morbid  oppression  com- 
monly called  nightmare.  I  was  even  enabled  to  adduce 
myself  as  a  strong,  and  living,  instance  of  the  excess  to 
which  fancy  sometimes  carries  her  freaks  on  tliese  occa- 
sions ;  while  by  an  odd  coincidence,  the  impression  made 
upon  my  own  mind,  which  I  adduced  as  an  example, 


200  SINGULAR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

bore  no  slight  resemblance  to  her  own.  I  stated  to 
her,  that  on  my  recovery  from  the  fit  of  epilepsy,  which 
had  attacked  me  about  two  years  since,  just  before  my 
grandson  Frederick  left  Oxford,  it  was  with  the  greatest 
difficulty  I  could  persuade  myself  that  I  had  not  visited 
him,  during  the  interval,  in  his  rooms  at  Brazenose,  and 

even  conversed  both  with  himself  and  his  friend  W , 

seated  in  his  arm-chair,  and  gazing  through  the  window 
full  upon  the  statue  of  Cain,  as  it  stands  in  the  centre 
of  the  quadrangle.  I  told  her  of  the  pain  I  underwent 
both  at  the  commencement  and  termination  of  my 
attack, — of  the  extreme  lassitude  that  succeeded ;  but 
my  eflbrts  were  all  in  vain :  she  listened  to  me,  indeed, 
with  an  interest  almost  breathless,  especially  when  I 
informed  her  of  my  having  actually  experienced  the 
very  burning  sensation  in  the  brain  alluded  to,  no  doubt 
a  strong  attendant  symptom  of  this  peculiar  affection, 
and  a  proof  of  the  identity  of  the  complaint ;  but  I 
could  plainly  perceive  that  I  failed  entirely  in  shaking 
the  rooted  opinion  which  possessed  her,  that  her  spirit 
had,  by  some  nefarious  and  unhallowed  means,  been  ac- 
tually subtracted  for  a  time  from  its  earthly  tenement." 
***** 
The  next  extract  which  I  shall  give  from  my  old 
friend's  memoranda  is  dated  August  ?4th,  more  than 
a  w^eek  subsequent  to  his  first  visit  at  Mrs.  Graham's. 
He  appears,  from  his  papers,  to  have  viaited  the  poor 
young  woman  more  than  once  during  the  interval,  and 
to  have  aff'orded  her  those  spiritual  consolations  which 
no  one  was  more  capable  of  communicatinjs^.  His 
patient,  for  so  in  a  religious  sense  she  may  well  be 
termed,  had  been  sinking  under  the  agitation  sh^^  ^ad 


THE  LATE  HENRY  HARRIS,  D.D.         201 

ex})erienced  ;  and  the  constant  dread  she  was  under  of 
similar  sufferings,  operated  so  strongly  on  a  frame  al- 
ready enervated,  that  life  at  length  seemed  to  hang 
only  by  a  thread.     His  papers  go  on  to  say, 

"  I  have  just  seen  poor  Mary  Graham, — I  fear  for  the 
last  time.  Nature  is  evidently  quite  worn  out ;  she  is 
aware  that  she  is  dying,  and  looks  forward  to  the  ter- 
mination of  her  existence  here,  not  only  with  resigna- 
tion, but  with  joy.  It  is  clear  that  her  dream,  or  what 
she  persists  in  calling  her  '  subtraction,'  has  much  to 
do  with  this.  For  the  last  few  days  her  behaviour  has 
been  altered ;  she  has  avoided  conversing  on  the  sub- 
ject of  her  delusion,  and  seems  to  wish  that  I  should 
consider  her  as  a  convert  to  my  view  of  her  case.  This 
may,  perhaps,  be  partly  owing  to  the  flippancies  of  her 

medical  attendant  upon  the  subject,  for  Mr.  I has, 

somehow  or  other,  got  an  inkling  that  she  has  been 
much  agitated  by  a  dream,  and  thinks  to  laugh  off  the 
impression, — in  my  opinion  injudiciously  ;  but  though 
a  skilful,  and  a  kind-hearted,  he  is  a  young  man,  and 
of  a  disposition,  perhaps,  rather  'oo  mercurial  for  the 
chamber  of  a  nervous  invalid.  Her  maimer  has  since 
been  much  more  reserved  to  both  of  us :  in  my  case, 
probably  because  she  suspects  me  of  betraying  her 
secret." 

%  Hi  %  ^  % 

"  August  26th. — Mary  Graham  is  yet  ahve,  but 
sinking  fast ;  her  cordiality  towards  me  has  returned 
since  her  sister  confessed  yesterday  that  she  had,  herself, 
told  Mr.  I that  his  patient's  mind  '  had  been  affect- 
ed by  a  terrible  vision.'  I  am  evidently  restored  to  her 
confidence. — She  asked  me  this  morning,  with  much 


202  SINGULAR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

earnestness,  '  What  I  believed  to  be  the  state  of  departed 
spirits  during  tlie  interval  between  dissolution  and  the 
final  day  of  account ! — And  whether  I  thought  they 
would  be  safe,  in  another  world,  from  the  influence 
of  wicked  persons  employing  an  agency  more  than 
human  V — Poor  child  ! — One  cannot  mistake  the  pre- 
vailing bias  of  her  mind. — Poor  child  !" 

¥r  ife  *  *  * 

"August  27th. — It  is  nearly  over;  she  is  sinking 
rapidly,  but  quietly  and  w^ithout  pain.  I  have  just 
administered  to  her  the  sacred  elements  of  which  her 
mother  partook.  Elizabeth  declined  doing  the  same  ; 
she  cannot,  she  says,  yet  bring  herself  to  forgive  the 
villain  who  has  destroyed  her  sister.  It  is  singular  that 
she,  a  young  woman  of  good  plain  sense  in  ordinary 
matters,  should  so  easily  adopt,  and  so  pertinaciously 
retain,  a  superstition  so  puerile  and  ridiculous.  This 
must  be  matter  of  future  convei-sation  between  us ;  at 
present,  with  the  form  of  the  dying  girl  before  her  eyes, 
it  were  vain  to  argue  with  ler.  The  mother,  I  find, 
has  written  to  young  Somers,  stating  the  dangerous 
situation  of  his  afliianced  wife ;  indignant,  as  she  justly 
is,  at  his  long  silence ;  it  is  fortunate  that  she  has  no 
knowledge  of  the  suspicions  entertained  by  her  daugh- 
.^er.  I  have  seen  her  letter,  it  is  addressed  to  Mr.  Francis 
Somers,  in  the  Hogewoeri,  at  Leyden, — a  fellow-student 
then  of  Frederick's.  I  must  remember  to  enquire  if  he 
ifl  acquainted  with  this  young  man." 

*  *  ¥r  *  * 

Mary  Graham,  it  appears,  died  the  same  nigliL 
Before  her  departure,  she  repeated  to  my  friend  the 
lingular  story  she  had   before  told  him,  without  any 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D,  203 

material  variation  from  the  detail  she  had  Ibrmerl)' 
given.  To  the  las  she  pei-sisted  iii  believing  that  hei 
unworthy  lover  had  practised  upon  her  by  forbidden 
arts.  She  once  more  described  the  apartment  with 
great  minuteness,  and  even  the  person  of  Francis's 
alleged  companion,  who  was,  she  said,  about  the  middle 
height,  hard  featured,  with  a  rather  remarkable  scar 
upon  his  left  cheek,  extending  in  a  transverse  direction 
from  below  the  eye  to  the  nose.  Several  pages  of  my 
reverend  friend's  manuscript  are  filled  with  reflections 
upon  this  excraordinary  confession,  which,  joined  with 
its  melancholy  termination,  seems  to  have  produced  no 
common  eftect  upon  him.  He  alludes  to  more  than 
one  subsequent  discussion  with  the  surviving  sister,  and 
piquea  himself  on  having  made  some  progress  in  con- 
vincing her  of  the  folly  of  her  theory  respecting  the 
origin  and  nature  of  the  illness  itself. 

His  memoranda  on  this,  and  other  subjects,  arc  con- 
tinued till  about  the  middle  of  September,  when  a  break 
ensues,  occasioned,  no  doubt,  by  the  unwelcome  news 
of  his  grandson's  dangerous  state,  which  induced  him 
to  set  out  forthwith  for  Holland.    His  arrival  at  Leyden 

was,  as  I  have  already  said,  too  late.     Frederick  S 

had  expired,  after  thirty  hours'  intense  suffering,  from  a 
wound  received  in  a  duel  with  a  brother  student.  The 
cause  of  the  quarrel  was  variously  related  ;  but,  accord- 
ing to  his  landlord's  version,  it  had  originated  in  some 
silly  dispute  about  a  dream  of  his  antagonist's,  who  had 
been  the  challenger.  Such,  at  least,  was  the  account 
given  to  him,  as  he  said,  by  Frederick's  friena  and  fel 

low-lodger,  W ,  who  had  acted  as  second  on  the 

occasion,  thus  acquitting  himself  of  an  obligation  of  the 


204  SINGULAR    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OF 

same  kind  due  to  the  deceased,  whose  services  he  had 
put  in  requisition  about  a  year  before  on  a  similar  occa- 
sion, when  he  iaad  himself  been  severely  wounded  in 
the  face. 

From  the  same  authority  I  learned  that  my  poor 
friend  was  much  affected  on  finding  that  his  arrival  had 
been  deferred  too  long.  Every  attention  was  shown 
him  by  the  proprietor  of  the  house,  a  respectable  trades- 
man, and  a  chamber  was  prepared  for  his  accommoda- 
tion ;  the  books,  and  few  effects  of  his  deceased  grand- 
son were  delivered  over  to  him,  duly  inventoried,  and, 
late  as  it  was  in  the  evening  when  he  reached  Leyden, 
he  insisted  upon  being  conducted  immediately  to  the 
apartments  which  Frederick  had  occupied,  there  to 
indulge  the  first  ebullitions  of  his  soirow,  before  he 
retired  to  his  own.  Madame  Miiller  accoi'dingly  led  the 
way  to  an  upper  room,  which,  being  situated  at  the  top 
of  the  house,  had  been,  from  its  privacy  and  distance 
from  the  stieet,  selected  by  Frederick  as  his  study.  The 
Doctor  entered,  and  taking  the  lamp  from  his  conduc- 
tress motioned  to  be  left  alone.  His  implied  wish  was 
of  course  complied  with :  and  nearly  two  hours  had 
elapsed  before  his  kind-hearted  hostess  reascended,  in 
the  hope  of  prevailing  upon  him  to  return  with  her, 
and  partake  of  that  refreshment  which  he  had  in  the 
first  instance  peremptorily  declined.  Her  application 
for  admission  was  unnoticed: — she  repeated  it  more 
than  once,  without  success ;  then,  becoming  somewhat 
alarmed  at  the  continued  silence,  opened  the  door  and 
perceived  her  new  inmate  stretched  on  the  floor  in  a 
fainting  fit.  Restoratives  were  instantly  administered, 
and  prompt  medical  aid  succeeded  at  length  in  restoring 


THE    LATE    HENRY     HARRIS,    D.D.  205 

Ilim  to  consciousness.  13 ut  his  mind  had  icceived  a 
shock  from  which,  during  the  few  weeks  he  survived, 
he  never  entirely  recovered.  His  thoughts  wandered 
perpetually  :  and  though,  from  the  very  slight  acquaint- 
ance which  his  hosts  had  with  the  English  language, 
ihe  greater  part  of  what  fell  from  him  remained  un- 
known, yet  enough  was  understood  to  induce  them  to 
believe  that  something*  more  than  the  mere  death  of 
his  grandson  had  contributed  thus  to  paralyze  his 
faculties. 

When  his  situation  was  first  discovered,  a  small 
miniature  was  found  tightly  grasped  in  his  right  hand. 
It  had  been  the  property  of  Frederick,  and  had  more 
than  once  been  seen  by  the  Miillers  in  his  possession. 
To  this  the  patient  made  continued  reference,  and  would 
not  suffer  it  one  moment  from  his  sight :  it  was  in  his 
hand  when  he  expired.  At  my  request  it  was  produced 
to  me.  The  portrait  was  that  of  a  young  woman,  in  an 
English  morning  dress,  whose  pleasing  and  regular  fea- 
tures, with  their  mild  and  somewhat  pensive  expression, 
were  not,  I  thought,  altogether  unknown  to  me.  Her 
age  was  apparently  about  twenty.  A  profusion  of  dark 
chestnut  hair  was  arranged  in  the  Madonna  style,  above 
a  brow  of  unsullied  whiteness,  a  single  ringlet  depend- 
ing on  the  left  side.  A  glossy  lock  of  the  same  colour, 
and  evidently  belonging  to  the  original,  appeared  be- 
neath a  small  crystal,  inlaid  in  the  back  of  the  picture, 
which  was  plainly  set  in  gold,  and  bore  in  a  cipher  the 
letters  M.  G.  with  the  date  18 — .  From  the  inspection 
of  this  portrait,  I  could  at  that  time  collect  nothing, 
nor  from  that  of  the  Doctor  himself,  which  also  I  found 
the  next  morning  in  Frederick's  desk  accompanied  by 


206  SINGULAR,    PASSAGE    IN    THE    LIFE    OP 

iwo  separate  portions  of  hair.  Ojie  of  them  was  a  lock, 
thort,  and  deeply  tinged  with  g'l'ey,  and  had  been  taken, 
i  have  httle  doubt,  from  the  head  of  ray  old  friend  him- 
self; the  other  corresponded  in  colour  and  appearance 
with  that  at  the  back  of  the  miniature.  It  was  not  till 
a  few  days  had  elapsed,  and  I  had  seen  the  worthy 
Doctor's  remains  quietly  consigned  to  the  narrow  house, 
that,  while  arranging  his  papers  previous  to  my  intended 
return  upon  the  morrow,  I  encountered  the  narrative 
I  liave  already  transcribed.  The  name  of  the  unfortu- 
nate young  woman  connected  with  it  forcibly  arrested 
my  attention.  I  recollected  it  immediately  as  one  be- 
longing to  a  parishioner  of  my  own,  and  at  once  recog- 
nised the  original  of  the  female  portrait  as  its  owner. 

I  rose  not  from  the  perusal  of  his  very  singular  state- 
ment till  I  had  gone  through  the  whole  of  it.  It  was 
late, — and  the  rays  of  the  single  lamp  by  which  I  was 
reading  did  but  very  faintly  illumine  the  remoter  parts 
of  the  room  in  which  I  sat.  The  brilliancy  of  an 
unclouded  November  moon,  then  some  twelve  nights 
old,  and  shining  full  into  the  apartment,  did  much 
towards  remedying  the  defect.  My  thoughts  filled  with 
the  melancholy  details  I  had  read,  I  rose  and  walked  to 
the  window.  The  beautiful  planet  rode  high  in  the  fir- 
mament, and  gave  to  the  snowy  roofs  of  the  houses, 
and  pendant  icicles,  all  the.  sparkling  radiance  of  cluster- 
ing gems.  The  stillness  of  the  scene  harmonized  well 
with  the  state  of  my  feelings.  I  threw  open  the  case- 
ment and  looked  abroad.  Far  below  me,  the  waters 
of  the  principal  canal  shone  like  a  broad  mirror  in  the 
moonlight.  To  the  left  rose  the  Burght,  a  huge  round 
tower  of  remarkable  appearance,   pierced  v/ith  embra- 


THE    LATE    HENRY    HARRIS,    D.D.  207 

sures  at  its  summit ;  while  a  little  to  the  right^  and  in 
the  distance,  the  spire  and  pinnacles  of  the  Cathedral 
of  Leyden  rose  in  all  their  majesty,  presenting  a  coup 
(Toeil  of  surpassing  though  simple  beauty.  To  a  spec- 
tator of  calm,  unoccupied  mind,  the  scene  would  have 
been  delightful.  On  me  it  acted  with  an  electric  effect. 
I  turned  hastily  to  survey  the  apartment  in  which  I  had 
been  sitting.    It  was  the  one  designated  as  the  study  of 

the  late  Frederick  S .     The  sides  of  the  room  wer6 

covered  with  dark  wainscot ;  the  spacious  fireplace  oppo- 
site to  me,  with  its  polished  audi  ons,  was  surmounted 
by  a  large  old-fashioned  mantelpiece,  heavily  carved  in 
the  Dutch  style  with  fruits  and  flowers ;  above  it  frowned 
a  portrait,  in  a  Vandyke  dress .  with  a  peaked  beard  and 
mustaches ;  one  hand  of  the  figure  rested  on  a  table, 
while  the  other  bore  a  marshal's  staff,  surmounted  by  a 
silver  falcon !  and — either  my  imagination,  already 
heated  by  the  scene,  deceived  me, — or  a  smile  as  of 
malicious  triumph  curled  the  lip  and  glared  in  the  cold 
leaden  eye  that  seemed  fixed  upon  my  own.  The  heavy, 
antique,  cane-backed  chairs, — the  large  oaken  table, — 
the  book-shelves,  the  scattered  volumes — all,  all  were 
there ;  while,  to  complete  the  picture,  to  my  right  and 
left,  as  half-breathless  I  leaned  my  back  against  the 
casement,  rose,  on  each  side,  a  tall,  dark,  ebony  cabinet, 
in  whose  polished  sides  the  single  lamp  upon  the  table 
shone  reflected  as  in  a  mirror. 

Hi  %  %  %  % 

What  am  I  to  think? — Can  it  be  that  the  story  1 
have  been  reading  was  written  by  my  poor  friend  here, 
and  under  the  influence  of  delirium? — Impossible! 
Besides  thev  all  assure  me,  that  from  the  fatal  niofht  of 


208  THE  JACKDAW  OF  RHEIMS. 

his  arrival  he  never  left  his  bed — never  put  pen  to  paper. 
His  very  directions  to  have  me  summoned  from  Eng- 
land were  verbally  given,  during  one  of  those  few  and 
brief   intervals   in    which   reason   seemed    partially  to 

resume  her  sway.     Can  it  then  be  possible  that ? 

W ?  where  is  he,  who  alone  may  be  able  to  throw 

light  on  this  horrible  mystery  ? — No  one  knows.  lie 
absconded,  it  seems,  immediately  after  the  duel.  No 
trace  of  him  exists,  nor,  after  repeated  and  anxious  in- 
quiries, can  I  find  that  any  student  has  ever  been  known 
in  the  University  of  Leyden  by  the  name  of  Francis 
Somers. 

"There  are  more  tilings  in  heaven  and  earth 
Than  are  dreamt  of  in  your  philosophy." 


Father  John  Ingoldsby,  to  whose  papers  I  am  largely 
indebted  for  the  Saintly  records  which  follow,  was 
brought  up  by  his  father,  a  cadet  of  the  family,  in  the 
]lomish  faith,  and  was  educated  at  Douai  for  the  church. 
Besides  the  manuscripts  now  at  Tappington,  he  was  the 
author  of  two  controversial  treatises  on  the  connection 
between  the  Papal  Hierarchy  and  the  Nine  of  Dia- 
monds. 

From  his  well-known  loyalty,  evinced  by  secret  ser- 
vices to  l>he  Royal  cause  during  the  Protectorate,  he  was 
excepted  by  name  out  of  the  acts  against  the  Papists, 
became  superintendent  of  the  Queen  Dowager's  chapel 
at  Somerset  House,  and  enjoyed  a  small  pension  until 
his  death,  which  took  place  in  the  third  year  of  Queen 
Anne  (1704),  at  the  mature  age  of  ninety-six.  He 
was   an    ecclesiastic  of  great  learning  and  piety,  but 


THE    JACKDAW    OF    KIIEIMS.  209 

fiom  the  stiff  and  antiquated  phraseology  which  h« 
adopted,  I  have  thought  it  necessary  to  modernize  it  a 
httle:  this  will  account  for  certain  anachronisms  that 
have  unavoidably  crept  in ;  the  substance  of  his  nar- 
ratives has,  however,  throughout,  been  strictly  adhered 
to. 

His  hair-shirt,  almost  as  good  as  new,  is  still  preserved 
at  Tappington, — but  nobody  ever  wears  it. 


THE  JACKDAW  OF  RHEIMS. 


"Tunc  mfscr  Corvus  adeo  conscientise  stimulia  compunctus  fuit,  et  exe- 
cratio  cum  tantopere  excarneficavit,  ut  exinde  tabescere  iiiciperet,  maciera 
contraheret,  oinnem  cibum  aversaretur,  uec  aniplius  crocitaret ;  peniia) 
praeterea  ei  defluebant,  et  alls  pendulis  oranes  facetius  intermisit,  ct  tain 
macer  apparuit  ut  omnes  ejus  miserescent."  *  *  * 

"Tunc  abbas  sacerdotibus  mandavit  ut  rursus  furem  absolverent ;  quo 
facto,  Corvus,  omnibus  mirantibus,  propediem  convaluit,  et  pristinam  sur 
nitatem  recuperavit." 

De  Illust.  Ord.  CisUrc 

The  Jackdaw  sat  on  the  Cardinal's  chair ! 
Bishop  and  abbot,  and  prior  were  there ; 

Many  a  monk,  and  many  a  friar. 

Many  a  knight,  and  many  a  squire, 
AVith  a  great  many  more  of  lesser  degree, — 
In  sooth  a  goodly  company ; 
And  they  served  the  Lord  Primate  on  bended  knee. 

Never,  I  ween, 

Was  a  prouder  seen, 
Read  of  in  books,  or  dreamt  of  in  dreams, 
Than  the  Cardinal  Lord  Archbishop  of  Rheimsl 


210  THE    JACKDAW    OF    KHEIM8. 

In  and  out 

Tlu'ough  the  motley  rout, 
That  little  Jackdaw  kept  hopping  about- 

Here  and  there, 

Like  a  dog  in  a  fair, 

Over  comfits  and  cates, 

And  dishes  and  plates, 
Cowl  and  cope,  and  rochet  and  pall ! 
Mitre  and  crosier !  he  hopp'd  upon  all 

With  a  saucy  air, 

He  perch'd  on  the  chair 
Where,  in  state,  the  great  Lord  Cardinal  sat 
In  the  great  Lord  Cardinal's  great  red  hat ; 

And  he  peer'd  in  the  face 

Of  his  Lordship's  Grace, 
With  a  satisfied  look,  as  if  he  would  say, 
"  We  Two  are  the  greatest  folks  here  to-day !  " 

And  the  priests,  with  awe. 

As  such  freaks  they  saw, 
Said,  "The  Devil  must  be  in  that  little  Jackdaw! 

Tlie  feast  was  over,  the  board  was  clear'd 
The  flawns  and  the  custards  had  all  disappear'd. 
And  six  little  Singing-boys, — dear  little  souls 
In  nice  clean  faces,  and  nice  white  stoles, 

Came,  in  order  due, 

Two  by  two, 
Marching  that  grand  refectory  through  1 
A  nice  little  boy  held  a  golden  ewer, 
Emboss'd  and  fill'd  with  water,  as  pure 
As  any  that  flows  between  Rheims  and  N"amur, 
Which  a  nice  little  boy  stood  ready  to  catch 
In  a  fine  golden  hand-basin  made  to  match. 
Two  nice  little  boys  rather  more  grown, 
Carried  lavender-water  and  eau  de  Cologne ; 
And  a  nice  little  boy  had  a  nice  cake  of  soap, 
Worthy  of  washing  the  hands  of  the  Pope. 

One  little  boy  more 

A  napkin  bore. 


THE    JACKDAW    OF    RIIEIMS.  211 

Of  the  best  white  diaper,  fringed  witli  pink, 
And  a  Cardinal's  Hat  mark'd  in  "permanent  ink." 

The  great  Lord  Cardinal  turns  at  the  sight 
Of  these  nice  little  boys  dress'd  all  in  white ; 

From  his  finger  he  draws 

His  costly  turquoise : 
And,  not  thinking  at  all  about  little  Jackdaws, 

Deposits  it  straight 

By  the  side  of  his  plate, 
While  the  nice  little  boys  on  his  Eminence  wait; 
Till,  when  nobody's  dreaming  of  any  such  thing, 
That  little  Jackdaw  hops  off  with  the  ring  1 
*  *  «  * 

There's  a  cry  and  a  shout, 

And  a  deuce  of  a  rout, 
And  nobody  seems  to  know  what  they're  about, 
But  the  monks  have  their  pockets  all  turn'd  inside  out; 

The  friars  are  kneeling, 

Anl  hunting  and  feeling 
The  carpet,  the  floor,  and  the  walls,  and  the  ceiling. 

The  Cardinal  drew 

Off  each  plum-color'd  shoe. 
And  left  his  red  stockings  exposed  to  the  view ; 

He  peeps,  and  he  feels 

In  the  toes  and  the  heels 
They  turn  up  the  dishes, — they  turn  up  the  plates,-  ■ 
They  take  up  the  poker  and  poke  out  the  grateg, 

— They  turn  up  the  rugs, 

They  examine  the  mugs : — 

But,  no ! — no  such  thing ; — 

They  can't  find  the  ring  ! 
And  the  Abbot  declared  that,   "  when  nobody  twigg'd  it, 
Some  rascal  or  other  had  popp'd  in,  and  prigg'd  it  ! " 

The  Cardinal  rose  with  a  dignified  look, 

He  called  for  his  candle,  his  bell,  and  his  book  I 

In  holy  anger,  and  pious  grief. 

He  solemnly  cursed  that  rascally  thief  I 


212  THE    JACKDAW    OF    RHELMS. 

He  cursed  him  at  board,  he  cursed  hiin  in  b<>d  ; 
From  the  sole  of  his  foot  to  the  crown  of  his  head  • 
He  cursed  him  in  sleeping,  that  every  night 
He  should  dream  of  the  devil,  and  wake  in  a  fright* 
He  cursed  liim  in  eating,  he  cursed  him  in  drinking, 
He  cursed  liim  in  coughing,  in  sneezing,  in  winking; 
He  cursed  him  in  sitting,  in  standing,  in  lying ; 
He  cursed  him  in  walking,  in  riding,  in  flying, 
He  cursed  him  living,  he  cursed  him  dying ! — 
Never  was  heard  such  a  terrible  curse] 

But  what  gave  rise 

To  no  little  sui'prise, 
Nobody  seemed  one  penny  the  worse  I 

The  day  was  gone, 

The  night  came  on, 
l"lie  Monks  and  the  Friars  they  search'd  till  dawn; 

When  the  Sacristan  saw, 

On  crumpled  claw, 
Come  limping  a  poor  little  lame  Jackdaw ! 

No  longer  gay, 

As  on  yesterday ; 
His  feathers  all  seem'd  to  be  turn'd  the  wrong  way  ; — 
His  pinions  droop'd — he  could  hardly  stand, — 
His  head  was  as  bald  as  the  palm  of  youi'  hand ; 

His  eye  so  dim, 

So  wasted  each  limb, 
That,  heedless  of  grammar,  they  all  cried,   "That  iiimI- 
That's  the  scamp  that  has  done  this  scandalous  thing 
That's  the  thief  that  has  got  my  Lord  Cardinal's  Ring  I ' 

The  poor  little  Jackdaw, 

When  the  monks  he  saw. 
Feebly  gave  vent  to  the  ghost  of  a  caw ; 
And  turn'd  his  bald  head,  as  much  as  to  say, 
"  Pray  be  so  good  as  to  walk  this  way !  " 

Slower  and  slower 

He  limp'd  on  before. 
Till  they  came  to  the  back  of  the  belfry-door. 


THE    JACKDAW    OF    llIlb:iMS.  213 

Where  the  first  thing  they  saw. 

Midst  the  sticks  and  the  straw, 

Was  the  ring,  in  the  nest  of  that  little  Jackdaw  I 

Then  the  great  Lord  Cardinal  eall'd  for  his  book. 
And  off  that  terrible  curse  he  took ; 

The  mute  expression 

Served  in  lieu  of  confession, 
And,  being  thus  coupled  with  full  restitution. 
The  Jackdaw  got  plenary  absolution! 

— When  those  words  were  heard, 

That  poor  little  bird  • 

Was  so  changed  in  a  moment,  'twas  really  absurd : 

He  grew  sleek,  and  fat ; 

In  addition  to  that, 
A  fresh  crop  of  feathers  came  thick  as  a  mat! 

His  tail  waggled  more 

Even  than  before ; 
But  no  longer  it  wagg'd  with  an  impudent  air, 
No  longer  he  perch'd  on  the  Cardinal's  chair. 

He  hopp'd  now  about 

With  a  gait  devout ; 
At  Matins,  at  Vespers,  he  never  was  out ; 
And,  so  far  from  any  more  pilfering  deeds. 
He  always  seem'd  telling  the  Confessor's  beads. 
If  any  one  lied, — or  if  any  one  swore, — 
Or  slumber'd  in  pray'r-time  and  happen'd  to  snore, 

Tliat  good  Jackdaw 

Would  give  a  great  "  Caw !  " 
As  much  as  to  say,   "  Don't  do  so  any  more  I  " 
While  many  remark'd,  as  his  manners  they  saw. 
That  they  "never  had  known  such  a  pious  Jackda-w  I* 

He  long  lived  the  pride 

Of  that  country  side, 
And  at  last  in  the  odor  of  sanctity  died  ; 

When,  as  words  were  too  faint 

His  merits  to  paint, 
Tlie  Conclave  determined  to  make  him  a  Saint 


214  THE  JACKDAW  OF  RHETMS. 

And  on  newly  made  Saints  and  Popes  as  you  kno-vv, 
ItVi  tlie  custom,  at  Rome,  new  names  to  bestow^, 
So  they  canonized  him  by  the  name  of  Jein  Cro-w  1 


215 


A  LAY    OF  ST.  DUNSTAN. 


"2ri)f»  |)oId  centre  ISunstan  toas  &o):ne  in  j)*  i)cre  of  out 
Hottie  ix.  !)on:reti  &;  xxv.  tljat  tjinip  rrfln^iifle  fn  tjfs  lontJC 
itfuflc  ^tljclston,    *  *  * 

**^j^^nn  It  so  to  IS  t|)nt  ;S:ai)nt  ©iinstan  teas  torrj)  of 
praijcr  tl)ait  useTi  ije  to  toorttt  lii  floltrsmftjjrs  bjrrfte  toiti)  fits 
otone  l)antiis  (or  to  esJjctoc  gticlncs." 

Golden  Legend. 
St.  Dunstan  stood  in  his  ivied  tower, 
Alembic,  crucible,  all  were  there ; 
When  in  came  Nick  to  play  him  a  trick, 
In  guise  of  a  damsel  passing  fair. 
Every  one  knows 
How  the  story  goes : 
He  took  up  the  tongs  and  caught  hold  of  his  nose. 
But  I  beg  that  you  won't  for  a  moment  suppose 
That  I  mean  to  go  through,  in  detail,  to  you 
A  story  at  least  as  trite  as  it's  true  ; 
Nor  do  I  intend 
An  instant  to  spend 
On  the  tale,  how  he  treated  his  monarch  and  Iriend, 
When,  bolting  away  to  a  chamber  remote, 
Inconceivably  bored  by  his  Witen-gemote, 
Edwy  left  them  all  joking. 
And  drinking,  and  smoking. 
So  tipsily  grand,  they'd  stand  nonsense  from  no  King, 
But  sent  the  Archbishop 
Their  Sovereign  to  fish  up, 
With  a  liint  that  perchance  on  his  crown  he  might  feel  tap. 
Unless  he  came  baek  straight  and  took  off  his  heel-tapa. 


216  A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTAN. 

Yon  must  not  be  plagued  with  the  same  story  twice, 
And  perhaps  have  seen  this  one,  by  "\V.  Dyce, 
At  the  Royal  Academy,  very  well  done, 
And  mark'd  in  the  catalogue  Four,  seven,  one. 

You  might  there  view  the  Saint,  who  in  sable  array 'd  ;», 
Coercing  the  Monarch  away  from  the  Ladies ; 
His  right  hand  has  hold  of  his  Majesty's  jerkin, 
Ilis  left  shews  the  door,  and  he  seems  to  say,  "  Sir  King, 
Your  most  faithful  Commons  won't  hear  of  your  shirkingl 
Quit  your  tea,  and  return  to  your  Barclai  and  Ferkyn, 
Or,  by  Jingo,*  ere  morning,  no  longer  alive,  a 
Sad  victim  you'll  lie  to  your  love  for  Elgiva !  " 

No  farther  to  treat 

Of  this  ungallant  feat, 
What  I  mean  to  do  now  is  succinctly  to  paint 
One  particular  fact  in  the  life  of  the  Saint, 
"Which  somehow,  for  want  of  due  care,  I  presume, 
Has  escaped  the  researches  of  Rapin  and  Hume, 
In  recounting  a  miracle,  both  of  them  men,  who  a 
Great  deal  fall  short  of  Jacques  Bishop  of  Genoa, 
An  Historian  who  likes  deeds  like  these  to  record — 
See  his  Aurea  Legenda,  by  SUJ^gnhsn  Tie  2121/orTjr. 

St  Dunstan  stood  again  in  his  tower. 

Alembic,  crucible,  all  complete  ; 
He  had  been  standing  a  good  half  hour. 
And  now  he  utter'd  the  words  of  power, 

And  call'd  to  his  broomstick  to  bring  him  a  seat. 

The  words  of  power! — and  what  be  they 

To  which  e'en  Broomsticks  bow  and  obey  ? — 

Why, — ^'twere  uncommonly  hard  to  say. 

As  the  prelate  I  named  has  recorded  none  of  tliem, 

■  St.  Jingo,  or  Gengo  (Gengulphus),  sometimes  styled  "The  Living 
Jingo,"  from  the  gi'eat  teiiaciousness  of  vitality  exhibited  by  his  severed 
mijmbers.    See  his  Legend,  as  recorded  hereafter  in  the  present  vohime. 


A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTAN.  217 

What  they  may  be, 

But  I  know  they  are  three, 
And  ABRACADABRA,  I  take  it,  is  one  of  them: 
For  I'm  told  that  most  Cabalists  use  that  identical 
Word,  written  thus,  in  what  they  call  "  a  Peutacle." 


However  that  be, 

You  '11  doubtless  agree 
It  signifies  little  to  you  or  to  me. 
As  not  being  dabblers  in  Grammarye ; 
Still,  it  must  be  confess'd,  for  a  Saiat  to  rejieat 
Such  language  aloud  is  scarcely  discreet; 
For,  as  Solomon  hints  to  folks  given  to  chatter, 
*•  A  bird  of  the  air  may  carry  the  matter ;" 

And  in  sooth. 

From  my  youth 

I  remember  a  truth 
Insisted  on  much  in  my  earlier  years. 
To  wit,  "  Little  Pitchers  have  very  long  ears !" 
Now,  just  such  a  "  Pitcher  "  as  those  I  allude  to 
Was  outside  the  door,  which  his  "  ears  **  appeared  glued  to 
FIRST    SEPIES.  10 


218  A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNBIAW. 

Peter,  the  Lay-brother,  meagre  and  thin, 

Five  feet  one  in  his  sandal  shoon, 
While  the  saint  thought  him  sleeping,. 
Was  listening  and  peeping, 

And  watching  his  master  the  whole  afternoon. 

'riiis  Peter  the  Saint  had  pick'd  out  from  his  fellows, 
To  look  to  his  fire,  and  to  blow  with  the  bellows, 
To  put  on  the  Wall's-Ends  and  Lambtons  whenever  ho 
Chose  to  indulge  in  a  little  orfevrerie  ; 

— Of  course  you  have  read. 

That  St.  Dunstan  was  bred 
A  Goldsmith,  and  never  quite  gave  up  the  trade ! 
Tlie  Company — richest  in  London,  'tis  said — 
Acknowledge  him  still  as  their  Patron  and  Head ; 

Nor  is  it  so  long 

Since  a  capital  song 
In  his  praise — now  recorded  their  archives  among — 
Delighted  the  noble  and  dignified  throng 
Of  their  guests,  who,  the  newspapers  told  the  whole  town, 
With  cheers  "pledged  the  wine-cup  to  Dunstan's  renown," 
When  Lord  Lyndhurst,  The  Duke,  and  Sir  Robert,  were  dining 
At  the  Hall  some  time  since  with  the  Prime  Warden  Twin- 
ing.— 
— ^I  am  sadly  digressing — a  fault  which  sometimes 
One  can  hardly  avoid  in  these  gossiping  rhymes — 
A  slight  deviation's  forgiven !  but  then  this  is 
Too  long,  I  fear,  for  a  decent  parenthesis, 
So  I'll  rein  up  my  Pegasus  sharp,  and  retreat,  or 
You'll  think  I've  forgotten  the  Lay -brother  Peter, 

Whom  the  Saint,  as  I  said. 

Kept  to  turn  down  his  bed, 

Dress  his  palfreys  and  cobs, 

And  do  other  odd  jobs, — 

As  reducing  to  writing 

Whatever  he  might,  in 
The  course  of  the  day  or  the  night,  be  inditing. 
And  cleaning  the  plate  of  his  mitre  with  whiting ; 


A    LAY    Oe    ST.    DUNSTAN.  219 

Performing,  in  short,  all  those  duties  and  offices 
Abbots  exact  from  Lay-brothers  and  Novices. 

It  occurs  to  me  here 

You'll  perhaps  think  it  queer 
That  St.  Dunstan  should  have  such  a  personage  near, 

"When  he'd  only  to  say 

Those  words, — be  what  they  may, — 
And  his  Broomstick  at  once  his  commands  would  obey,— 

That's  true  but  the  fact  is 

'Twas  rarely  his  practice 
Such  aid  to  resort  to,  or  such  means  apply. 
Unless  he'd  some  "  dignified  knot "  to  untie, 
Adopting,  though  sometimes,  as  now,  he'd  reversed  it, 
Old  Horace's  maxim  "  iVec  Brooynstick  intersit." — 
— ^Peter,  the  Lay-brother,  meagre  and  thin, 
Heard  all  the  Saint  was  saying  within  ; 
Peter,  the  Lay-brother,  sallow  and  spare, 
Peep'd  through  the  key-hole,  and — what  saw.  he  there  !— 
Why,  —  A  Broomstick  bringing  a  rush-bottom'd  chair. 

"What  Shakspeare  observes  in  his  play  of  King  John, 

Is  undoubtedly  right, 

That  "  ofttimes  the  sight 
Of  means  to  do  ill  deeds  will  make  ill  deeds  done." 
Here's  Peter,  the  Lay-brother,  pale-faced  and  meagre, 
A  good  sort  of  man,  only  rather  too  eager 
To  listen  to  what  other  people  are  saying, 
"When  he  ought  to  be  minding  his  business  or  praying, 
Gets  into  a  scrape, — and  an  awkward  one  too, — 
As  you'll  find,  if  you've  patience  enough  to  go  through 

The  whole  of  the  story 

I'm  laying  before  ye, — 
Entirely  from  having  "  the  meana  "  in  his  view 
Of  doing  a  thing  which  he  ought  not  to  do' 

Still  rings  in  his  ear, 
Distinct  and  clear. 


220  A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTAN. 

Abracadabra!  that  word  of  fear 

And  the  two  which  I  never  yet  happen'd  to  hear. 

Still  doth  he  spy, 

With  Fancy's  eye, 
The  Broomstick  at  work,  and  the  Saint  standing  by ; 
And  he  chuckles,  and  says  to  himself  with  glee, 
"  Aha !  that  Broomstick  shall  work  for  me  !" 

Hark ! — that  swell 

O'er  flood  and  o'er  fell. 
Mountain,  and  dingle,  and  moss-covered  delll 
List! — 'tis  the  soimd  of  the  Compline  bell. 
And  St.  Dunstan  is  quitting  his  ivied  cell ; 

Peter,  I  wot. 

Is  off  like  a  shot, 
Or  a  little  dog  scalded  by  something  that's  hot. 
For  he  hears  his  Master  approaching  the  spot 
Where  he'd  listened  so  long,  though  he  knew  he  ought  not 
Peter  remember'd.his  Master's  frown — 
He  trembled — he'd  not  have  been  caught  for  a  crown ; 

Howe'er  you  may  laugh. 

He  had  rather,  by  half, 
Have  run  up  to  the  top  of  the  tower  and  jurap'd  down. 
***** 

The  Compline  hour  is  past  and  gone, 
'  Evening  service  is  over  and  done ; 
The  monks  repair 
To  their  frugal  fare, 
A  snug  little  supper  of  something  light 
And  digestible,  ere  they  retire  for  the  night. 
For  in  Saxon  times,  in  respect  to  their  cheer, 
St.  Austin's  Rule  was  by  no  means  severe. 
Bat  allowed,  from  the  Beverley  Roll  'twould  appear. 
Bread  and  cheese,  and  spring  onions,  and  sound  table-i)eer 
And  even  green  pea:?,  wiien  they  were  not  too  dear ; 
Not  like  the  rule  of  La  Trappe,  whose  chief  merit  is 
Said  to  consist  in  its  greater  austerities ; 
And  whose  monks,  if  I  rightly  remember  their  laws. 


A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTAN.  221 

Ne'er  are  suffer'd  to  speak, 

Think  only  in  Greek, 
And  subsist,  as  the  Bears  do,  by  sucking  their  pawa 

Astonish'd  I  am 

The  gay  Baron  Geramb, 
With  his  head  sav'ring  more  of  the  Lion  than  Lamb, 
Could  e'er  be  pursuaded  to  join  such  a  set — i 
Extend  the  remark  to  Signor  Ambrogetti.— 
For  a  monk  of  La  Trappe  is  as  thin  as  a  rat, 
While  an  Austin  Friar  was  jolly  and  fat ; 
Though,  of  course,  the  fare  to  which  I  allude, 
With  as  good  table-beer  as  ever  was  brew'd, 
Was  all  "  caviare  to  the  multitude," 
Extending  alone  to  the  clergy,  together  in 
Hall  assembled, — and  not  to  Lay-brethren. 
St.  Dunstan  liimself  sits  there  at  his  post^ 

On  what  they  say  is 

Called  a  Dais. 
O'erlooking  the  whole  of  his  clerical  host, 
And  eating  poach'd  eggs  with  spinach  and  toabt; 
Five  Lay -brothers  stand  behind  his  chair. 
But  where  is  the  sixth  ?— Where's  Peter !— Ay,  WHERE  f 

'TIS  an  evening  in  June, 

And  a  little  half  moon, 
A  brighter  no  fond  lover  ever  set  eyes  on. 

Gleaming  and  beaming. 

And  dancing  the  stream  in, 
Has  made  her  appearance  above  the  horizon ; 
Just  such  a  half  moon  as  you  see,  in  a  play. 
On  the  turban  of  Mustapha  Muley  Bey, 

Or  the  fair  Turk  who  weds  with  the  "  Noble  Lord  Bateman ;  " 
—  Vide  plate  in  George  Cruickshank's  memoirs  of  that  great 
man. 

She  shines  on  a  turret  remote  and  lone, 
A  turret  with  ivy  and  moss  overgrown, 
And  lichens  that  thrive  on  the  cold  dank  stone* 


222  A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTAN. 

Such  a  tower  as  a  poet  of  no  mean  ealihre 

1  once  knew  and  loved,  poor,  dear  Reginald  Heber, 

Assigns  to  oblivion* — a  den  for  a  She  bear ; 

Within  it  are  found, 

Strew'd  above  and  around, 
On  the  hearth,  on  the  table,  the  shelves,  and  the  ground. 
All  sorts  of  instruments,  all  sorts  of  tools, 
To  name  which,  and  their  uses,  would  puzzle  the  Schools 
And  make  very  wise  people  look  very  like  fools  ; 

Pincers  and  hooks. 

And  black-letter  books, 
All  sorts  of  pokers,  and  all  sorts  of  tongs, 
And  all  sorts  of  hammers,  and  all  that  belongs 
To  Goldsmith's  work,  chemistry,  alchymy, — all, 

In  short  that  a  Sage, 

In  that  erudite  age, 
Could  require,  was  at  hand,  or  at  least  within  call. 
In  the  midst  of  the  room  lies  a  Broomstick  I — and  there 
A  lay-brother  sits  in  a  rush-bottom'd  chair  I 

Abracadabra,  that  fearful  word. 

And  the  two  which,  I  said,  I  have  never  yet  heard, 

Are  utter'd: — 'Tis  done ! 

Peter,  full  of  his  fun, 
Cries,  "  Broomstick  1  you  lubberly  son  of  a  gun  ! 
Bring  ale ! — ^bring  a  flagon — a  hogshead — a  tun  ! 

'Tis  the  same  thing  to  you ; 

I  have  nothing  to  do  ; 
*nd,  'fore  George,  I  '11  sit  here,  and  I'll  drink  tiJl  alJ  s  Dine. 

No  doubt  you  've  remark'd  how  uncommonly  quick 

A  Newfoundland  puppy  runs  after  a  stick, 

Brings  it  .back  to  his  master,  and  gives  it  him — AVcll, 

So  potent  the  spell, 
The  Broomstick  perceived  it  was  vain  to  rebel, 

•  And  cold  oblivion,  midst  the  ruin  laid, 
Folds  her  dank  wing  bei-eath  the  ivy  shade. 

PalbstiiID. 


A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTAN.  22S 

So  ran  off  like  that  puppy ; — ^some  cellar  was  neai% 
For  in  less  than  ten  seconds  'twas  back  with  the  beer  I 
Peter  seizes  the  flagon ;  but  ere  he  can  suck 
Its  contents,  or  enjoy  what  he  thinks  his  good  luck, 
The  Broomstick  comes  in  with  a  tub  in  a  truck ; 

Continues  to  run 

At  the  rate  it  begun. 
And,  au  pied  de  lettre,  next  brings  in  a  tun ! 
A  fresh  one  succeeds,  then  a  third,  then  another, 
Discomfiting  muchAlie  astounded  Lay-brother; 
Who,  had  he  possess'd  fifty  pitchers  or  stoups, 
They  all  had  been  too  few ;  for,  arranging  in  grouj>8 
The  barrels,  the  Broomstick  next  started  the  hoops ; 

The  ale  deluged  the  floor, 

But,  still,  through  the  door. 
Said  Broomstick  kept  bolting,  and  bringing  in  more. 

E'en  Macbeth  to  Macduff 

Would  have  cried  "  Hold !  enouglil  " 
If  half  as  well  dreneh'd  with  such  "perilous  stuft," 
And,  Peter,  who  did  not  expect  such  a  rough  visit. 
Cried  lustily,  "Stop!— That  will  do,  Broomstick  I—Sujlcit I ** 

But  ah,  well-a-day ! 

The  Devil,  they  say, 
'Tis  easier  at  all  times  to  raise  than  to  lay. 

Again  and  again 

Peter  roar'd  out  in  vain 
Mis  Abracadabra,  and  t'  other  words  twain : — 

As  well  might  one  try 

A  pack  in  full  cry 
To  check,  and  call  off  from  their  headlong  career, 
By  bawling  out  "  Yoicks !  "  with  one's  hand  at  on.  i«  ear. 
The  longer  he  roar'd  and  the  louder  and  quicker, 
Tha  faster  the  Broomstick  was  bringing  in  liquor. 

The  poor  Lay-brother  knew 
Not  on  earth  what  to  do — 
H*  caught  ho'd  of  the  Broomstick  and  snapt  it  in  tw<v—» 


224  A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTAN. 

"Worse  and  worse ! — Like  a  dart 

Each  part  made  a  start, 
And  he  found  he'd  been  adding  more  fuel  to  fire, 
For  both  now  came  loaded  with  Meux's  entire ; 
Combe's,  Delafi eld's,  Hanbury's,  Truman's — no  stoppmg — 
Coding's,  Charenton's,  Whitbread's  continue  to  drop  in, 
With  Ilod&on's  pale  ale,  from  the  Sun  Brewhouse,  Wapping. 
riie  firms  difFer'd  then,  but  I  can't  put  a  tax  on 
My  memory  to  say  what  their  names  were  in  Saxon. 

To  be  sure  the  best  beer  • 

Of  all  did  not  appear 
For  I've  said  'twas  in  June,  and  so  late  in  the  year 
The  "  Trinity  Audit  Ale"  is  not  come-at-able, 
— As  I've  found  to  my  great  grief  when  dining  at  that  tal>!e 


Now  extremely  alarm'd,  Peter  scream'd  without  ceasint^ 
For  a  flood  of  brown-stout  he  was  up  to  his  knees  in. 
Which,  thanks  to  the  Broomstick,  continued  increiising  •. 

He  fear'd  he'd  be  drowu'd. 

And  }je  yell'd  till  the  sound 
Of  his  voice,  wing'd  by  terror,  at  last  I'each'd  the  ear 
Of  St.  Dunstan  himself,  who  hadfinish'd  /tzsboer, 
And  had  put  off  his  mitre,  dalmatic,  and  shoeSy 
And  was  just  stepping  into  his  bed  for  a  snooze. 

His  Holiness  paused  when  he  heard  such  a  clatter ; 

He  could  not  conceive  what  on  earth  was  the  matter. 

Slipping  on  a  few  things,  for  the  sake  of  decorum, 

He  issued  fortliwith  from  his  Sanctum  sanctorum. 

And  calling  a  ievr  of  the  lay-brothers  near  him. 

Who  were  not  yet  in  bed,  and  who  happen'd  to  hear  him. 

At  once  led  the  way, 

Witliout  farther  delay. 
To  the  tower  where  he'd  been  in  the  course  of  the  day. 
Poor  Peter ! — alas  ?  though  St.  Dunstan  was  quick. 
There  were  two   there   before  him — Grim   Death,    and    Old 
Nick!- 


A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTAN.  22i 

When  they  open'd  the  door  out  the  malt-liquor  flowed, 
Just  as  when  the  great  Vat  burst  in  Tot'n'am  Court  Road  ; 
The  Lay-brothers  nearest  were  up  to  their  necks 
In  an  instant,  and  swimming  in  strong  double  X ; 
While  Peter,  who,  spite  of  himself  now  had  drank  hard. 
After  floating  awhile,  like  a  toast  in  a  tankard, 

To  the  bottom  had  sunk, 

And  was  spied  by  a  monk, 
Stone-dead,  like  poor  Clarence,  half  drown'd  and  half  drunk 

In  vain  did  St  Dunstan  exclaim,  "  Vade  retro 
Strongbeerum  ! — discede  a  Lay-fratre  Petro  /" 

Queer  Latin,  you'll  say. 

That  prefix  of  "  Xay," 
And  Strongbeerum! — I  own   they'd  have  call'd  me  a  block 

head  if 
At  school  I  had  ventured  to  use  such  a  Vocative 
'Tis  a  barbarous  word,  and  to  me  it's  a  query 
If  you'll  find  it  in  Patrick,  Morell,  or  Moreri ; 
But,  the  fact  is,  the  S'lint  was  uncommonly  flurried, 
And  apt  to  be  loose  in  his  Latin  when  hurried ; 
The  Brown-stout,  however,  obeys  to  the  letter, 
Quite  as  well  as  if  talk'd  to,  in  Latin  much  better, 

By  a  grave  Cambridge  Johnian, 

Or  graver  Oxonian, 
Whose  language,  we  all  know,  is  quite  Ciceronian. 
It  retires  from  the  corpse,  which  is  left  high  and  dry ; 
But,  in  vain  do  they  snuff  and  hot  towels  apply, 
And  other  means  used  by  the  faculty  try. 

When  once  a  man's  dead 

There's  no  more  to  be  said  ; 
Peter's  "  Beer  with  an  e"  was  his  "  Bier  with  an  i  I T 

movnU 

By  way  of  a  moral,  permit  me  to  pop  in 
The  following  maxims : — Beware  of  eaves-dropping  ! — 
Don't  make  use  of  language  that  isn't  well  scann'd  !— 
Don't  meddle  with  matters  you  don't  understand!  — 
10* 


226  A    LAY    OF    ST.    DUNSTA^T. 

Above  all,  what  I'd  wish  to  impress  on  both  sexes 

Is, — ^Keep  clear  of  Broomsticks,  Old  Nick,  and  three  XXXs. 

In  Goldsmith's  Hall  there's  a  handsome  glass-case, 

And  in  it  a  stone  figure,  found  on  the  place, 

When,  thinking  the  old  Hall  no  longer  a  pleasant  one. 

They  pull'd  it  all  down,  and  erected  tlie  present  one. 

If  you  look,  you'll  perceive  that  this  stone  figure  twists 

A  thing  like  a  broomstick  in  one  of  its  fists. 

It's  so  injured  by  time,  you  can't  make  out  a  feature ; 

But  it  is  not  St.  Danstan, — so  doubtless  it's  Peter. 


Gengulphus,  or,  as  he  is  usually  styled  in  this  coun- 
try, "  Jingo,"  was  psrbaps  more  in  the  mouths  of  the 
"  general"  than  any  other  Saint,  on  occasions  of  adjura- 
tion (see  note,  page  216).  Mr.  Simpkinson  from  Bath 
had  kindly  transmitted  me  a  portion  of  a  primitive 
ballad,  which  has  escaped  the  researches  of  Ritson  and 
Ellis,  but  is  yet  replete  with  beauties  of  no  common 
order.  I  am  happy  to  say  that,  since  these  Legends 
first  appeared,  I  have  recovered  the  whole  of  it. —  Vide 

infra. 

'  %  jFranklsTt'jJ  bojjijt  Icptii  obrr  a  stjlf, 
%,\iii  i^2S  namt  baas  IitttI  B^nao 
33  bottf)  a  i— i  tojtf)  art  N,— 
N  tojt]^  a  (5— (5  b32t^  an  ©,— 
®l)t2  tairiJ  f)ini  littU  Bwnjgo  ! 

%x{ii  f)«  ^airii  it  3aart  ^ooJit  ^tjitgi 
%,  ®,  i,  N,  (E^,  © ! 
^t  tall'lJ  it  3£lart  jgoolr^  ^t^it^o ! 

NobDC  15  ttotle  t!)25  a  prcttp  sonja? 
$  tf)tnkc  it  IS  i^t  3(3)ttso  I 
3  boBtfit  a  i— N,  (&",  ©— 
3c  sbatart  jt  is  1)2  Jjinso  !** 


227 


A  LAY  OF  ST.  GENGULPHUS. 


"  Noa  multo  post,  Gengulphus,  m  domo  suA  dormiens,   occisus  est  d 
([uodam  clerico  qui  cum  uxoro  sua  adulterare  solebat.     Cujus  corpus  dura,  ir, 
fereto,  in  sepulturam  portaretur,  multi  iufirmi  de  tactu  sanati  sunt." 
•  «»•••• 

"  Cum  hoc  illius  uxori  refcrretur  ab  ancilla  sua,  scilicet  dominum  suura 
quam  martyrem  sanctum,  miracula  facere,  irrideus  ilia,  et  subsurraus,  aiV 
'  Ita  Gengulphus  miracula  facitat  ut  pulvinarium  meum  canta^,'  "  <kc.  &c. 

WoLFU    MkMORAB. 


Gexgulphus  comes  from  the  Holy  Land, 

With  his  scrip,  and  his  bottle,  and  sandal  shoou ; 

Full  many  a  day  hath  he  been  away. 

Yet  his  lady  deems  him  return'd  full  soon. 

Full  many  a  day  hath  he  been  away. 
Yet  scarce  had  he  crossed  ayont  the  sea, 

Ere  a  spruce  young  spark  of  a  Learned  Clerk 
Had  called  on  his  Lady,  and  stopp'd  to  tea. 

This  spruce  young  guest,  so  trimly  drest, 
Stay'd  with  that  Lady,  her  revels  to  crown ; 

They  laugh'd,  and  they  ate  and  they  drank  of  the  best, 
And  they  turn'd  the  old  castle  quite  upside  down. 

Tliey  would  walk  in  the  park,  that  spruce  young  Clerk, 
With  that  frolicksome  Lady  so  frank  and  free, 

Trying  balls  and  plays,  and  all  manner  of  ways. 
To  get  rid  of  what  French  people  call  Ennui. 

****** 


228  A    LAY    ')F 

Now  the  festive  board  with  viands  is  stored, 

Savoury  dishes  be  there,  I  ween. 
Rich  puddings  and  big,  and  a  barbecued  pig. 

And  oxtail  soup  in  a  China  tureen. 

There  's  a  flagon  of  ale  as  large  as  a  pail — 

When,  cockle  on  hat,  and  staff  in  hand. 
While  on  nought  they  are  thinking  save  eating  and  drinking 

Gengulphus  walks  in  from  the  Holy  Land  I 

"  You  must  be  pretty  deep  to  catcli  weazels  asleep," 
Says  the  proverb  :  that  is  "  take  the  Fair  unawares ;  " 

A  maid  o'er  the  bannisters  chancing  to  peep. 

Whispers,  "Ma'am,  here  's  Gengulphus  a-coming  upstairi 

Pig,  pudding,  and  soup,  the  electrified  group. 
With  the  flagon,  pop  under  the  sofa  in  haste, 

And  contrive  to  deposit  the  Clerk  in  the  closet, 
As  the  dish  least  of  all  to  Gengulphus's  taste. 

Then  ol» !  what  rapture,  Avhat  joy  wsis  exprest, 
When  "poor  dear  Gengulphus"  at  last  appear'd  I 

She  kiss'd  and  she  press'd  "  the  dear  man  "  to  her  breast, 
In  spite  of  his  great,  long,  frizzly  beard. 

Such  hugging  and  squeezing!  'twas  almost  unpleasing, 

A  smile  on  her  lip,  and  a  tear  in  her  eye  ;* 
She  was  so  very  glad,  that  she  seem'd  half  mad, 

And  did  not  know  whether  to  laugh  or  to  cry. 

Then  she  calls  up  the  maid  and  the  table-clotli's  laid. 
And  she  sends  for  a  pint  of  the  best  Brown  Stout ; 

On  the  fire,  too,  she  pops  some  nice  mutton  chops, 
And  she  mixes  a  stiff"  glass  of  "  Cold  Without." 

Then  again  she  beg  ^n  at  the  "  poor  dear  "  man  ; 

She  press'd  him  to  drink,  and  she  press'd  him  to  eat, 
And  she  brought  a  foot-pan,  with  hot  water  and  bran. 

To  comfort  his  "  poor  dear,"  travel-worn  feet. 

*   F.vi  6aKf)vai  yeXuffaca.  -  HoM. 


ST.    GENGULPHUS. 


2^C« 


"  Nor  iiighl  nor  day  since  he  'd  been  away, 

Had  she  had  any  rest "  she  "  vow'd  and  declared." 

She  "never  could  eat  one  morsel  of  meat, 

For  thinking  how  '  poor  dear  '  Gengulphus  fared." 

She  "really  did  think  she  had  not  slept  a  wink 

Since  he  left  her,  although  he  'd  been  absent  so  long,** 

lie  here  shook  his  head, — right  little  he  said. 

But  he  thought  she  was  "  coming  it  rather  too  strong.** 

Now  his  palate  she  tickles  with  the  chops  and  the  pickles, 
Till,  so  great  the  effect  of  that  stiff  gin  grog, 

His  weaken'd  body,  subdued  by  the  toddy, 
Falls  out  of  the  chair,  and  he  lies  like  a  log. 

Then  out  comes  the  Clerk  from  his  secret  lair ; 

He  lifts  up  the  legs,  and  she  lifts  up  the  head. 
And,  between  them,  this  most  reprehensible  pair 

Undress  poor  Gengulphus,  and  put  him  to  bed. 

Then  the  bolster  they  place  athwart  his  face, 

And  his  night-cap  into  his  mouth  they  cram ; 
And  she  pinches  his  nose  underneath  the  clothes, 

Till    the  "poor  dear  soul  "  goes  off  like  a  lamb. 
****** 
And  now  they  tried"  the  deed  to' hide  ; 

For  a  little  bird  whisper'd,  "Perchance  you  may  swing; 
Here  's  a  corpse  in  the  case  with  a  sad  swell'd  face, 

And  a  Medical  Crowner  's  a  queer  sort  of  thing ! " 

So  the  Clerk  and  the  wife,  they  each  took  a  knife, 
And  the  nippers  that  nipp'd  the  loaf-sugar  for  tea ; 

With  the  edges  and  points  they  sever'd  the  joints 
At  the  clavicle,  elbow,  hip,  ankle,  and  knee. 

Thus,  limb  from  limb,  they  dismember'd  him 

So  entirely,  that  e'en  when  they  came  to  his  wrists. 

With  those  great  sugar-nippers  they  nipp'd  off  his  "flippera.* 
As  the  Clerk,  very  flippantly,  term'd  his  fists. 


230  A    LAY    OF 

"When  they  'd  cut  off  his  head,  entertaining  a  dread 
Lest  folks  should  remember  Gengiilphus's  face, 

They  determined  to  throw  it  where  no  one  could  know  it, 
Down  the  well, — and  the  limbs  in  some  different  place. 

But  first  the  long  beard  from  the  chin  they  shear'd, 

And  managed  to  stuff  that  sanctified  hair, 
With  a  good  deal  of  pushing,  all  into  the  cushion 

That  filled  up  the  seat  of  a  large  arm-chair. 

They  contriv'd  to  pack  up  the  trunk  in  a  sack, 
Which  they  hid  in  an  osier-bed  outside  the  town. 

The  Clerk  bearing  arms,  legs,  and  all  on  his  back, 
As  that  vile  Mr.  Greenacre  served  Mrs.  Brown. 

But  to  see  now  how  strangely  things  sometimes  turn  out, 

And  that  in  a  manner  the  least  expected  I 
Who  could  surmise  a  man  ever  could  rise 

Who'd  been  thus  carbonado'd,  cut  up,  and  dissected  I 

No  doubt  'twould  surprise  the  pupils  at  Guy's ; 

I  am  no  unbeliever — no  man  can  say  that  o'  me — 
But  St.  Thomas  himself  would  scarce  trust  his  own  eyes 

If  he  saw  such  a  thing  in  his  School  of  Anatomy. 

You  may  deal  as  you  please  with  Hindoos  and  Chinese, 

Or  a  Mussulman  making  his  heathen  salaam,  or 
A  Jew  or  a  Turk,  but  it 's  other  guess  work 

When  a  man  has  to  do  with  a  Pilgrim  or  Palmer. 
*  *  *  *  *  *  * 

By  chance  the  Prince  Bishop,  a  Royal  Divine, 

Sends  his  cards  round  the  neighbourhood  next  dny,  and 
urges  his 
Wish  to  receive  a  snug  party  to  dine 

Of  the  resident  clergy,  the  gentry,  and  burgesses 

At  a  quarter  past  five  they  are  all  alive. 

At  the  palace,  for  coaches  are  fast  rolling  in ; 

And  to  every  guest  his  card  had  express'd 
'*  Half  past  "  as  the  hour  for  "  a  greasy  chin." 


ST.    GENOULPHUS.  23J 

Some  thirty  are  seated,  and  handsomely  treated 

With  the  choicest  Rhine  wines  in  his  Highness's  stock ; 

When  a  Count  of  the  Empire,  who  felt  himself  heated, 
Requested  some  water  to  mix  with  his  Hock. 

The  Butler,  who  saw  it,  sent  a  maid  out  to  draw  it, 
But  scarce  had  she  given  the  windlass  a  twirl. 

Ere  Gengulphus's  head,  from  the  well's  bottom,  said 
In  mild  accents,  *'  Do  help  us  out,  that's  a  good  girl !" 

Only  fancy  her  dread  when  she  saw  a  great  head 

In  her  bucket ; — with  fright  she  was  ready  to  drop  : — 

Conceive,  if  you  can,  how  she  roar'd  and  she  ran. 
With  the  head  rolling  after  her  bawling  out  "  Stop  I  " 

She  ran  and  she  roar'd,  till  she  came  to  the  board 
Wliere  the  Prince  Bishop  sat  with  his  party  around, 

When  Gengulphus's  poll,  which  continued  to  roll 
At  her  heels,  on  the  table  bounced  up  with  a  bound. 

Never  touching  the  cates,  or  the  dishes  or  plates, 
The  decanters  or  glasses,  the  sweetmeats  or  fruits, 

Tlie  head  smiles,  and  begs  them  to  bring  him  his  lega^ 
As  a  well  spoken  gentleman  asks  for  his  boots. 

Kicking  open  the  casement,  to  each  one's  amazement, 
Straight  a  right  leg  steps  in,  all  impediment  scorns, 

And  near  the  head  stopping,  a  left  follows  hopping 
Behind, — for  the  left  leg  was  troubled  with  corns. 

Next,  before  the  beholders,  two  great  brawny  shoulders, 
And  arms  on  their  bent  elbows  dance  through  the  throng, 

While  two  hands  assist,  though  nipp'd  off  at  the  wrist. 
The  said  shoulders  in  bearing  a  body  along. 

They  march  up  to  the  head,  not  one  syllable  said. 
For  the  thirty  guests  all  stare  in  wonder  and  doubt, 

As  the  limbs  in  their  sight  arrange  and  unite, 

Till  Gengulphus,  though  dead,  looks  as  sound  as  a  trout 


232  A    LAY    OF 

I  will  venture  to  saj,  from  that  hour  to  this  day, 
Ne'er  did  such  an  assembly  behold  such  a  scene  ; 

Or  a  table  divide  fifteen  guests  of  a  side 

With  the  dead  body  placed  in  the  centre  between. 

Yes,  they  stared — well  they  might  at  so  novel  a  sight : 
No  one  utter'd  a  whisper,  a  sneeze,  or  a  hem, 

But  sat  all  bolt  upright,  and  pale  with  affright ; 

And  they  gazed  at  the  dead  man,  the  dead  man  at  theia 

The  Prince  Bishop's  Jester,  on  punning  intent, 

As  he  view'd  the  whole  thirty,  in  jocular  terms 
Said,  "They  put  him  in  mind  of  a  Council  of  Trente 
the  Diet  of  Worms." 

But  what  should  they  do? — Oh  I  nobody  knew 

What  was  best  to  be  done,  either  stranger  or  resident ; 

The  Chancellor's  self  read  his  Puffendorf  througli 
In  vain,  for  his  books  could  not  furnish  a  precedent. 

The  Prince  Bishop  mutter'd  a  curse,  and  a  prayer, 

Which  his  double  capacity  hit  to  a  nicety ; 
His  Princely,  or  Lay,  half  induced  him  to  swear, 

His  Episcopal  moiety  said  *^  Benedicite  I " 

The  Coroner  sat  on  the  body  that  night. 
And  the  jury  agreed, — not  a  doubt  could  they  harbour, — 

"Tliat  the  chin  of   the   corpse — the   sole   thing   brought   to 
light- 
Had  been  recently  shaved  by  a  very  bad  barber/' 

They  sent  out  Von  Taiinsend,  Von  Biirnie,  Von  Roe, 

Von  Maine,  and   Von  Rowantz — through  chalets  and  el;3 
teaux. 

Towns,  villages,  hamlets,  they  told  them  to  go, 

Aivd  they  stuck  uj  placai<^s  on  th3  \?alls  of  the  Stadthaus 


ST.    OENGULPHUS.  28S 


"MURDER  I! 

Whereas,  a  dead  Gentleman,  surname  unknown, 
Has  been  recently  found  at  his  Highness's  banquet, 
Rather  shabbily  drest  in  an  Amice,  or  gown 

In  appearance  resembling  a  second-hand  blanket ; 

"  And  Whereas,  there's  great  reason  indeed  to  suspect 
That  some  ill-disposed  person,  or  persons,  with  malice 

Aforethought,  have  kill'd,  and  begun  to  dissect 
The  said  Gentleman,  not  very  far  from  the  palace  ; 

"Tras  IS  TO  GIVE  Notice! — Wlioever  shall  seize. 
And  such  person,  or  persons,  to  justice  surrender, 

Shall  receive — such  Reward — as  his  Higliness  shall  please, 
On  conviction  of  him,  the  aforesaid  offender. 

"  And,  in  order  the  matter  more  clearly  to  trace 
To  the  bottom,  his  Highness,  the  Prince  Bishop,  further. 

Of  his  clemency,  offers  free  Pardon  and  Grace 

To  all  such  as  have  not  been  concern'd  in  the  murther. 

Done  this  day,  at  our  palace, — July  twenty-five, — 
By  Command, 

(Signed) 

Johann  Yon  Rlissell. 

Deceased  rather  in  years — had  a  squint  when  alive  ; 
And  smells  slightly  of  gin — linen  mark'd  wdth  a  G." 

The  Newspapers,  too,  made  no  little  ado. 
Though  a  different  version  each  managed  to  dish  up ; 

Some  said  "the  Prince  Bishop  had  run  a  man  through," 
Others  said  "  an  assassin  had  kill'd  the  Prince  Bishop." 

The  "Ghent  Herald"  fell  foul  of  the  "Bruxelles  Gazette," 
The  "Bruxelles  Gazette,"  with  much  sneering  ironical, 

Seorn'd  to  remain  in  the  "Gh3nt  Herald's"  debt. 

And   the    "  Amsterdam   Times "   quizz'd   the    "  Nuremberg 
Chronicle." 


234  A    LAY    OF 

In  one  thing,  indeed,  all  the  journals  agreed, 
Spite  of  "  politics,"  "  bias,"  or  "  party  collision  ;" 

Viz.:  to  "give,"  when  they'd  "further  accounts"  of  the  deed, 
"Full  particulars"  soon,  in  "a  later  Edition." 

But  now,  while  on  all  sides  they  rode  and  they  ran, 
Trying  all  sorts  of  means  to  discover  the  caitiffs, 

Losing  patience,  the  holy  Gengulphus  began 
To  think  it  high  time  to  "  astonish  the  natives." 

First,  a  Rittmeister's  Frau,  who  was  weak  in  botili  eyes, 
And  supposed  the  most  short-sighted  woman  in  Holland, 

Found  greater  relief,  to  her  joy  and  surprise, 

From  one  glimpse  of  his  "  squint"  than  from  glasses  by  Dol 
lond. 

By  the  slightest  approach  to  the  tip  of  his  Nose, 

Meagrims,  headache,  and  vapours  were  put  to  the  rout ; 

And  one  single  touch  of  his  precious  Gi*eat  Toes 
Was  a  certain  specific  for  chilblains  and  gout. 

Rheumatics, — sciatica, — tic-douloureux ! 

Apply  to  his  shin-bones — not  one  of  them  lingers; — 
All  bilious  complaints  in  an  instant  withdrew. 

If  the  patient  was  tickled  with  one  of  his  fingers. 

Much  virtue  was  found  to  reside  in  his  thumbs ; 

When  applied  to  the  chest,  they  cured  seantness  of  breathing 
Sea-sickness,  and  colic ;  or,  rubb'd  on  the  gums. 

Were  "  A  blessing  to  Mothers,"  for  infants  in  teething. 

Whoever  saluted  the  nape  of  his  neck, 

Where  the  mark  remain'd  visible  still  of  the  knife. 

Notwithstanding  east  winds  perspiration  might  check, 
Was  safe  from  sore-throat  for  the  rest  of  his  life. 

Tims,  while  each  acute,  and  each  chronic  complaint 
Giving  way,  proved  an  influence  clearly  divine, 

Tliey  perceived  tlie  dead  Gentleman  must  be  a  Saint, 
So  tliey  lock'd  hiin  up,  body  and  bones,  in  a  shrine. 


ST.    GENGULPIIUS.  235 

Through  country  and  town  his  new  Saintship's  renown 
As  a  first-rate  physician  kept  daily  increasing, 

Till,  as  Alderman  Curtis  told  Alderman  Brown, 
It  seem'd  as  if  "  Wonders  had  never  done  ceasing." 

The  Three  Kings  of  Cologne  began,  it  was  known, 

A  sad  falling  off  in  their  off'rings  to  find. 
His  feats  were  so  many — still  the  greatest  of  any, — 

In  every  sense  of  the  word  was — behind  ; 

For  the  German  Police  were  beginning  to  cease 

From  exertions  which  each  day  more  fruitless  appear'd 

When  Gengulphus  himself,  his  fame  still  to  increase, 
Unravell'd  the  whole  by  the  help  of — his  beard  1 

If  you  look  back  you'll  see  the  aforesaid  barbe  gris, 

When  divorced  from  the  chin  of  its  murder'd  proprietor, 

Had  been  stuff 'd  in  the  seat  of  a  kind  of  settee. 
Or  double  arm'd  chair,  to  keep  the  thing  quieter. 

It  may  seem  rather  strange,  that  it  did  not  arrange 
Itself  in  its  place  when  the  limbs  join'd  together ; 

P'rhaps  it  could  not  get  out,  for  the  cushion  was  stout, 
And  constructed  of  good,  strong,  maroon-colour'd  leather 

Or,  what  is  more  likely,  Gengulphus  might  choose, 
For  Saints,  e'en  when  dead,  still  retain  their  volition, 

It  should  rest  there,  to  aid  some  particular  views, 
Produced  by  his  very  peculiar  position. 

Be  that  as  it  may,  on  the  very  first  day 

That  the  widow  Gengulphus  sat  down  on  that  settee. 
What  occurr'd  almost  frighten'd  her  senses  away. 

Beside  scaring  her  handmaidens,  Gertrude  and  Betty. 

They  were  telling  their  mistress  the  wonderful  deeds 

Of  the  new  Saint,  to  whom  all  the  Town  said  their  orisons , 

And  especially  how,  as  regards  invalids, 

His  miraculous  cures  far  outrivall'd  Yon  Morison's. 


236  A    LAY    OF 

"The  cripples,"  said  they,  "  fling  their  crutches  away, 
And  people  born  blind  now  can  easily  see  us  1" — 

But  she,  (we  presume,  a  disciple  of  Hume,) 

Shook  her  head,  and  said  angrily,  "  Credat  Judams  /" 

"  Those  rascally  liars,  the  Monks  and  the  Friai  s. 
To  bring  grist  to  their  mill  these  devices  have  hit  on, — 

He  work  miracles !— pooh ! — I'd  believe  it  of  you 

Just  as  soon,  you  great  Geese, — or  the  Chair  that  I  sit  on  * 

The  Chair, — at  that  word — it  seems  really  absurd, 

But  the  truth  must  be  told,-r-what  contortions  and  grins 

Distorted  her  face  ! — She  sprang  up  from  her  place 
Just  as  though  she'd  been  sitting  on  needles  and  pinsl 

For,  as  if  tlie  Saint's  beard  the  rash  challenge  had  heard 
Which  she  utter'd,  of  what  was  beneath  her  forgetful, 

Each  particular  hair  stood  on  end  in  the  chair. 
Like  a  porcupine's  quills  when  the  animal's  fretful. 

Tliat  stout  maroon  leather,  they  pierced  altogether, 
Like  tenter-hooks  holding  when  clench'd  from  within, 

And  th«  maids  cried  "Good  gracious!  how  very  tenacious!** 
— ^They  as  well  might  endeavour  to  pull  off  her  skin ! — 

She  shriek'd  with  the  pain,  but  all  efforts  were  vain  • 
In  vain  did  they  strain  every  sinew  and  muscle, — 

The  cushion  stuck  fast ! — From  that  hour  to  her  last 
She  could  never  get  rid  of  that  comfortless  "  Busth  "* 

And  e'en  as  Macbeth,  when  devising  the  death 

Of  his  King,  heard   "the   very  stones  prate  of  h)    where 
abouts ;" 
So  this  shocking  bad  wife  heard  a  voice  all  her  life 

Crying   "  Murder  1"    resound   from   the   cushion, — OJ    *^ero 
abouts. 


ST.    GBNGULPHUS.  237 

With  regard  to  the  Clerk,  we  are  left  in  the  dark 
As  to  what  his  fate  was ;  but  I  cannot  imagine  he 

Got  off  scot-free,  though  unnoticed  it  be 

Both  bj  Ribadaneira  and  Jacques  de  Voragine : 

For  cut-throats,  we're  sure,  can  be  never  secure, 

And  "  History's  Muse.'  still  to  prove  it  her  pen  holds, 

As  you'll  see,  if  you  look  in  a  rather  scarce  book, 

"  God^s  Revenge  against  Murder"  by  one  Mr.  Reynolds. 


Moral. 


Now,  you  grave  ■narried  Pilgrims,  who  wander  away, 
Like  Ulysses  of  old,*  {vide  Homer  and  Naso,) 

Don't  lengthen  your  stay  to  three  years  and  a  day  ? 
And  when  you  are  coming  home,  just  write  and  say  sol 

And  you,  learned  Clerks,  who're  not  given  to  roam. 
Stick  close  to  your  books,  nor  lose  sight  of  decorum , 

Don't  visit  a  house  when  the  master's  from  home ! 
Shun  drinking, — and  study  the  "  Vitce  Sanctorum  f" 

Above  all,  you  gay  ladies,  who  fancy  neglect 
In  your  spouses,  allow  not  your  patience  to  fail 

But  remember  Gengulphus's  wife  I — and  reflect 
On  the  moral  enforced  by  our  terrible  tale ! 

*  Qui  mores  hominum  multorum  vidit  et  urb*s8. 


238 


Mr.  Barney  Maguire  has  laid  claim  to  tlie  next 
Saint  as  a  countrywoman ;  and  "  Why  wouldn't  he  ?  " 
when  all  the  world  knows  the  O'Dells  were  a  fine  ould, 
ancient  family,  sated  in  Tipperary 

"Ere  the  Lord  Mayor  stole  his  collar  of  gowld, 
And  sowld  it  away  to  a  trader  I "  * 

He  IS  manifestly  wrong ;  but,  as  he  very  rationally 
observes,  "  No  matter  for  that — she's  a  Saint  any 
way ! " 


•  The  "  Inglorious  Memory  "  of  this  ould  ancient  transaction  is  still,  we 
understand,  kept  up  in  Dublin  by  an  annual  proclamation  at  one  of  the 
city  gates.  The  jewel,  which  has  replaced  the  abstracted  ornament,  is  said 
to  have  been  presented  by  King  William,  and  worn  by  Daaiel  O'Cuanell, 
Esq 


239 


THE  LAY  OF  ST.  ODILLE. 


Odille  was  a  maid  of  a  dignified  race ; 
Her  father,  Count  Otto,  was  lord  of  Alsace ; 

Such  an  air,  such  a  grace, 

Such  a  form,  such  a  face, 
All  ^reed,  'twere  a  fruitless  endeavour  to  trace 
In  the  Court,  or  within  fifty  miles  of  the  place. 
Many  ladies  in  Strasburg  were  beautiful,  still 
They  were  beat  all  to  sticks  by  the  lovely  Odilla 

But  Odille  was  devout,  and,  before  she  was  nine, 
Had  "  experienced  a  call "  she  considei''d  divine. 
To  put  on  the  veil  at  St.  Ermengarde's  shrine. — 
Lords,  Dukes,  and  Electors,  and  Counts  Palatine 
Came  to  seek  her  in  marriage  from  both  sides  the  Rliinu 

But  vain  their  design, 

They  are  all  left  to  pine. 
Their  oglings  and  smiles  are  all  useless ;  in  fine 
Not  oLe  of  these  gentlefolks,  try  as  tliey  will. 
Can  draw  ''  Ask  my  papa  "  from  the  cruel  Odille. 

At  length  one  of  her  suitors,  a  certain  Count  Herman, 
A  highly  respectable  man  as  a  German, 
Who  smoked  like  a  chimney,  and  drank  like  a  Merman, 
Paid  his  court  to  her  father,  conceiving  his  firman 

"Would  soon  make  her  bend, 

And  induce  her  to  lend 
Au  ear  to  a  love-tale  in  lieu  of  a  sermon. 
He  gain'd  the  old  Count,  who  said,  "Come,  Mynheer,  fiUl- 
Here's  luck  to  yourself  and  my  daughter  Odille !  " 


240  TIJE    LAY    OF    BT.    ODILLE. 

The  Lady  Odille  was  quite  nervous  with  fear 
When  a  little  bird  whispered  that  toast  in  her  ear ; 

She  murmur'd  "  Oh,  dear  I 

My  Papa  has  got  queer, 
I  am  sadly  afraid,  with  that  nasty  strong  beer ! 
He's  so  very  austere,  and  severe,  that  it's  clear 
If  he  gets  in  his  *  tantrums,'  I  can't  remain  here  ; 
But  St.  Ermengarde's  convent  is  luckily  near  ; 

It  were  folly  to  stay. 

Pour  prendre  conge, 
I  shall  put  on  my  bonnet,  and  e'en  run  away  1  " 
— She  unlock'd  the  back  door  and  descended  the  hill, 
On  whose  crest  stood  the  towers  of  the  sire  of  Odille. 

— When  he  found  she'd  levanted,  the  Count  of  Alsace 
At  first  turned  remarkably  red  in  the  face ; 
He  anathematized,  with  much  unction  and  grace. 
Every  soul  who  came  near,  and  consign'd  the  whole  raoe 
Of  runaway  girls  to  a  very  warm  place ; 

With  a  frightful  grimace 

He  gave  orders  for  chase ; 
His  vassals  set  off  at  a  deuce  of  a  pace, 
And  of  all  Avhom  they  met,  high  or  low.  Jack  or  Jill, 
Ask'd,  "Pray  have  you  seen  anything  of  Odille?  " 

Now  I  think  I've  been  told, — for  I'm  no  sporting  man,  — 
Tliat  the  "  knowing-ones  "  call  this  by  far  the  best  plan, 
"  Take  the  lead  and  then  keep  it!  " — that  is  if  you  can. — 
Odille  thought  so,  too,  as  she  set  off  and  ran, 

Put  her  best  leg  before. 

Starting  at  score. 
As  I  said  some  lines  since,  from  that  little  back  door. 
And  not  being  miss'd  until  half  after  four. 
Had  what  hunters  call  "  law  "  for  a  good  hour  and  more ; 

Doing  her  best. 

Without  stopping  to  rest, 
Like  "young  Lochiuvar  who  came  out  of  the  Wesi." 


THE    LAY    OF    ST.    ODILLE.  241 

"Tis  (lone! — 1  am  gone! — over  briar,  brook,  and  rill! 

Tliey  '11  be  sharp  lads  who  catch  me  1"  said  young  Miss  Odille, 

But  you  've  all  read  in  JEsop,  or  Phsedrus,  or  Gay, 
How  a  tortoise  and  hare  ran  together  one  day ; 

How  the  hare,  making  play, 
"  Progress'd  right  slick  away," 
As  "  them  tarnation  chaps  "  the  Americans  say ; 
While  the  tortoise,  whose  figure  is  rather  outre 
For  racing,  crawl'd  straight  on,  without  let  or  stay. 
Having  no  post-horse  duty  or  turnpikes  to  pay, 

Till,  ere  noon's  ruddy  ray 

Changed  to  eve's  sober  grey, 
Though  her  form  and  obesity  caiised  some  delay, 
Perseverance  and  patience  brought  up  her  lee-way. 
And  she  chased  her  fleet-footed  "  pray  cursor  "  until 
She  o'ertook  her  at  last ; — so  it  fared  with  Odille  1 

For  although,  as  I  said,  she  ran  gaily  at  first, 

And  show'd  no  inclination  to  pause,  if  she  durst; 

She  at  length  felt  opprest  with  the  heat,  and  with  thirst, 

Its  usual  attendant ;  nor  was  that  the  worst, 

Her  shoes  went  down  at  heel ;  at  last  one  of  them  burst. 

Now  a  gentleman  smiles 

At  a  trot  of  ten  miles ; 
But  not  so  the  Fair  ;  then  consider  the  stiles. 
And  as  then  ladies  seldom  wore  things  with  a  frill 
Round  the  ankle,  these  stiles  sadly  bother'd  Odille. 

Still,  despite  all  the  obstacles  placed  in  her  track. 

She  kept  steadily  on,  though  the  terrible  crack 

In  her  shoe  made  of  course  her  progression  more  slack. 

Till  she  reach'd  the  Swartz  Forest  (in  English  the  Black) , 

I  cannot  divine 

How  the  boundary  line 
Was  pass'd  which  is  somewhere  there  form'd  by  the  RMne- 

Perhajjs  she'd  the  knack 

To  float  o'er  on  her  back — 
FIRST    SEIIIES.  11 


2412  THE    LAY    OF    ST.    ODILLE. 

Or,  perhaps,  cross'd  the  old  bridge  of  boats  at  Brisaeh^ 

(Which  Vauban,  some  years  after,  secured  from  attack 

Bj  a  bastion  of  stone  whi(>.h  the  Germans  call  "  Wacke,") 

All  I  know  is,  she  took  not  so  much  as  a  snack, 

Till,  hungry  and  worn,  feeling  wretchedly  ill. 

On  a  mountain's  brow  sank  down  the  weary  Odille. 

I  said  on  its  "brow,"  but  I  should  have  said  "  crown," 

For  'twas  quite  on  the  summit,  bleak,  barren,  and  brown. 

And  so  high  that  'twas  frightful  indeed  to  look  down 

Upon  Friburg,  a  place  of  some  little  renown. 

That  lay  at  its  foot ;  but  imagine  the  frown 

That  contracted  her  brow,  when  full  many  a  clown 

She  perceived  coming  up  from  that  horrid  post-town. 

They  had  follow'd  her  trail. 

And  now  thought  without  fail. 
As  little  boys  say,  to  "  lay  salt  on  her  tail ;" 
While  the  Count,  who  knew  no  other  law  but  his  will, 
Swore  that  Herman  that  evening  should  marry  Odille. 

Alas,  for  Odille  1  poor  dear !  what  could  she  do  ? 
Her  father's  retainers  now  had  her  m  view, 
As  she  found  from  their  raising  a  joyous  halloo  ; 
While  the  Count,  riding  on  at  the  head  of  his  crew. 
In  their  snufF-colour'd  doublets  and  breeches  of  blue. 
Was  huzzaing  and  urging  them  on  to  pursue — 

What,  indeed,  could  she  do  ? 

She  very  well  knew 
If  they  caught  her  how  much  she  would  have  to  go  through ; 
But  then — she'd  so  shocking  a  hole  in  her  shoe ! 
And  to  go  further  on  was  impossible ; — true 
She  might  jump  o'er  the  precipice ; — still  there  are  few, 
In  her  place,  who  could  manage  their  courage  to  screw 
Up  to  bidding  the  world  such  a  sudden  adieu : — 
Alack !  how  she  envied  the  birds  as  they  flew ; 
No  Nassau  balloon,  with  its  wicker  canoe, 
Came  to  bear  her  from  him  she  loath'd  worse  than  a  Jew ; 
'  «>  she  fell  on  her  knees  in  a  terrible  stew. 


4 


THE    LAY'     OF    ST.    ODILLE.  242 

Crying  "  Holy  St.  Ermengarde  1 

Oh,  from  tliese  vermin  guard 
Her  whose  last  hope  rests  entirely  on  you ; — 
Don't  let  papa  catch  me,  dear  Saint! — rather  kiJ 
At  once,  si.r  le  champ,  your  devoted  Odille!" 

It's  delightful  to  see  those  who  strive  to  oppress 

Get  baulk'd  when  they  think  themselves  sure  of  success. 

The  Saint  came  to  the  rescue! — I  fairly  confess 

I  don't  soe,  as  a  Saint,  how  she  well  could  do  less 

Than  to  get  such  a  votary  out  of  her  mess. 

Odille  had  scarce  closed  her  pathetic  address 

When  the  rock,  gaping  wide  as  the  Thames  at  Sheerness, 

Closed  again,  and  secured  her,  within  its  recess, 

In  a  natural  grotto. 

Which  puzzled  Count  Otto, 
Who  could  not  conceive  where  the  deuce  she  had  got  to. 
'Tvvas  her  voice ! — but  'twas  Vox  et  prmterea  Nil ! 
Nor  could  any  one  guess  what  was  gone  with  Odille  1 

Then  burst  from  the  mountain  a  splendour  that  quite 

Eclipsed  in  its  brilliance,  the  finest  Bude  light, 

And  there  stood  St.  Ermengarde,  drest  all  in  white, 

A  palm-branch  in  her  left  hand,  her  beads  iu  her  right ; 

While,  witn  faces  fresh  gilt,  and  with  wings  burnish'd  bright, 

A  great  many  little  boys'  heads  took  their  flight 

Above  and  around  to  a  very  great  height. 

And  seem'd   pretty  lively  considering  their  plight, 

Since  every  one  saw, 

With  amazement  and  awe, 
Tliey  could  never  sit  down,  for  they  hadn't  de  quoi — 

All  at  the  sight. 

From  the  knave  to  the  knight. 
Felt  a  very  unpleasant  sensation,  call'd  fright; 

While  the  Saint,  looking  down. 

With  a  terrible  frown. 
Said,  "My  Lords,  you  are  done  most  remarkably  brown  I — 
f  am  really  asham'd  of  you  both ; — my  nerves  thrill 
it  vour  s(!andalous  conduct  to  poor  dear  Odille ; 


244  THE    LAY    OF    ST.    ODILLE. 

" Come,  make  yourselves  scarce! — it  is  useless  to  stay. 

You  will  gain  nothing  here  by  a  longer  delay. 

'Quick!  Presto!  Begone!'  as  the  conjurors  say ; 

For  Hs  to  the  Lady,  I've  stow'd  her  away 

In  this  hill,  in  a  stratum  of  London  blue  clay ; 

And  I  shan't,  I  assure  you,  restore  her  to-day 

Till  you  faithfully  promise  no  more  to  say  '  Nay,' 

But  declare,  '  If  she  will  be  a  nun,  why  she  may.' 

For  this  you've  my  word,  and  I  never  yet  bro^.;e  it^ 

So  put'that  in  your  pipe,  my  Lord  Otto,  ana  smoke  it!— 

One  hint  to  your  vassals, — a  month  at  '  the  Mill  * 

Shall  be  nuts  to  what  they'll  get  who  worry  Odille  I " 

The  Saint  disappear'd  as  she  ended,  and  so 

Did  the  little  boys'  heads,  which,  above  and  below, 

As  I  told  you  a  very  few  stanzas  ago. 

Had  been  flying  about  her,  and  jumping  Jim  Crow ; 

Tliough,  without  any  body,  or  leg,  foot,  or  toe. 

How  they  managed  such  antics,  I  really  don't  know ; 

Be  that  as  it  may,  they  all  "  melted  like  snow 

Off  a  dyke,"  as  the  Scotch  say  in  sweet  Edinbro'. 

And  there  stood  the  Count 

With  his  men,  on  the  mount, 
Just  like  "  twenty -four  jackasses  all  on  a  row." 
What  was  best  to  be  done  ? — 'twas  a  sad  bitter  pill — 
But  gulp  it  he  must,  or  else  lose  his  Odille. 

The  lord  of  Alsace  therefore  alter'd  his  plan, 

And  said  to  himself,  like  a  sensible  man, 

"  I  can't  do  as  I  would, — I  must  do  as  I  can  ; 

It  will  not  do  to  lie  under  any  Saint's  ban. 

For  your  hide,  when  you  do,  they  all  manage  to  tan ; 

So  Count  Herman  must  pick  up  some  Betsy  or  Nan, 

Instead  of  my  girl, — some  Sue,  Polly,  or  Fan  ; — 

If  he  can't  get  the  corn  he  must  do  with  the  bran. 

And  make  shift  Avith  the  pot  if  he  can't  have  the  pan." 

With  such  proverbs  as  these 

He  went  down  on  his  knees. 
And  said,  "Blessed  St.  Ermengarde,  just  as  you  pleaso — 


TFIE    LAY    OF    ST.    ODTLLE.  Oli^i 

Ttiey  shall  build  a  new  convent^ — I'll  pay  the  whole  bill, 
(Taking  discount,) — its  Abbess  shall  be  my  Odille  I" 

There  are  some  of  my  readers,  I'll  venture  to  say. 

Who  have  never  seen  Friburg,  though  some  of  them  may, 

And  others,  'tis  likely  may  go  there  some  day. 

Now,  if  ever  you  happen  to  travel  that  way, 

I  do  beg  and  pray, — 'twill  your  pains  well  repay, — 

Tliat  you'll  take  what  the  Cockney  folks  call  a  '  po-shay, 

(Though  in  Germany  these  things  are  more  like  a  dray,) 

You  may  reach  this  same  hill  with  a  single  relay, — 

And  do  look  how  the  rock. 

Through  the  whole  of  its  block. 
Is  split  open,  as  though  by  some  violent  shock 
From  an  earthquake,  or  lightning,  or  horrid  hard  knock 
From  the  club-bearing  fist  of  some  jolly  old  cock 
Of  a  Germanized  giant,  Thor,  Woden,  or  Lok : 

And  see  how  it  rears 

Its  two  monstrous  great  ears. 
For  when  once  you're  between  them  such  each  side  appears ; 
And  list  to  the  sound  of  the  water  one  hears 
Drip,  drip,  from  the  fissures,  like  rain-drops  or  tears, 
— Odille's,  I  believe, — which  have  flowed  all  these  years; 
-^I  think  they  account  for  them  so  ; — but  the  rill 
1  am  sure  is  connected  some  way  with  Odille. 


Moral. 
Now  then,  for  a  moral,  which  always  arrives 
At  the  end,  like  the  honey  bees  take  to  their  hives, 
And  the  more  one  observes  it  the  better  one  thrives. — 
We  have  all  heard  it  said  in  the  course  of  our  lives 
"  Needs  must  when  a  certain  old  gentleman  drives," 
Tis  the  same  with  a  lady, — if  once  she  contrives 
To  get  hold  of  the  ribands,  how  vainly  one  strives 
To  escape  from  her  lash,  or  to  shake  off  her  gyves  I 
Then  let's  act  like  Count  Otto,  and  while  one  survive^ 
Succumb  to  our  She-Saints — ^videlicet  wives  I 


246  THE    LAY    OF    ST.    ODILLE. 

(Aside.) 
That  is  if  one  has  not  a  "  good  bunch  of  fives." — 
(I  can't  think  how  that  last  line  escaped  from  my  quill. 
For  I  am  sure  it  has  nothing  to  do  with  Odille.) 

Now  young  ladies,  to  you ! — 

Don't  put  on  the  shrew  1 
And  don't  be  surprised  if  your  father  looks  blue 
When  you're  pert,  and  won't  act  as  he  wants  you  to  do ! 
Be  sure  that  you  never  elope  ; — there  are  few, — 
Believe  me,  you'll  find  what  I  say  to  be  true, — 
Who  run  restive,  but  find  as  they  bake  they  must  brew, 
And  come  off  at  the  last  with  "  a  hole  in  their  shoe  ;" 
Since  not  even  Claphara,  that  sanctified  ville, 
Can  produce  enough  saints  to  save  evert/  Odille. 


"  Ns^oIajGi,  tsliO^s^   of  2«  x^tt*  of  |3anwa{5,  toajsf  iornf  of 

^nts  "ii^s  falj^r  ioas  namxij  33pipi^aitu5,  anb  lis  molsn  defiant.'' 
He  was  born  on  a  cold  frosty  morning,  on  the  6th 
of  December,  (upon  which  day  his  feast  is  still  observed,) 
but  in  what  anno  Domini  is  not  so  clear;  his  baptis- 
mal register,  together  with  that  of  his  friend  and  col- 
league, St.  Thomas  at  Hill,  having  been  "  lost  in  the 
great  fire  of  London." 

St.  Nicliolas  was  a  great  patron  of  Mariners,  and, 
saving  your  presence — of  Thieves  also,  which  honor- 
able fraternity  have  long  rejoiced  in  the  appellation  of 
his  "  Clerks."  Cervantes's  story  of  Sancho's  detecting 
a  sum  of  money  in  a  swindler's  walking-stick,  is  merely 
the  Spanish  version  of  a  "  Lay  of  St.  Nicholas,"  extant 
"  in  choice  Italian"  a  century  before  honest  Miguel 
was  born. 

*  Parish  ^ 


247 


A  LAY  OF  ST.  NICHOLAS. 


*'  Sattim  sacerdoti  apparuit  Qiabolus  in  specie  puella?  pulchritudinis  mira& 
et  ecce  Diviis,  fide  catholica,  et  cruce,  et  aqua  benedicta  armalus  vouit,  ei 
aspersit  aquain  in  nomine  Sanctae  et  Individuae  Trinitatis,  qnani,  qiias') 
ardentem,  diabolus,  nequaquaiu  sustinere  valens,  mugitibus  fugit." 

ROOER    IJOVKUICN. 

"Lord  Abbot!  Lord  Abbot  1  I'd  fain  confess ; 

I  am  a-weaiy,  and  worn  with  woe  ; 
Manj  a  grief  doth  my  lieart  oppress, 

And  haunt  me  whithersoever  I  go !  " 

On  bended  knee  spake  the  beautiful  Maid ; 

"  Now  lithe  and  listen,  Lord  Abbot  to  me  I  " — 
"Now  naye,  Fair  Daughter,"  the  Lord  Abbot  said, 

"Now.naye,  in  sooth  it  may  hard'v  be; 

*'  Tliere  is  Mess  Michael,  and  holy  Mess  John, 

Sage  Penitauncers  I  ween  be  they  I 
And  hard  by  doth  dwell,  in  St.  Catherine's  cell, 

Ambrose,  the  anchorite  old  and  grey  1 " 

*' — Oh,  I  will  have  none  of  Ambrose  or  John, 

Tliough  sage  Penitauncers  I  trow  they  be  ; 
Shrive  me  may  none  save  the  Abbot  alone, 

Now  listen,  Lord  Abbot,  I  speak  to  thee. 

"  Nor  think  foul  scorn,  though  mitre  adorn 

Thy  brow,  to  listen  to  shrift  of  mine ! 
I  am  a  Maiden  royally  born, 

And  I  come  of  old  Plantagenet's  line. 


248  A    LAY    OF    ST.    NICHOLAS. 

*'  Though  hither  I  stray,  in  lowly  array, 

I  am  a  damsel  of  high  degree ; 
And  the  Compte  of  En,  and  the  Lord  of  Ponthiec, 

They  serve  my  father  on  bended  knee  f 

"  Counts  a  many,  and  Dukes  a  few, 

A  suitoring  came  to  my  father's  Hall ; 
But  the  Duke  of  Lorraine,  with  liis  large  domain. 

He  pleased  my  father  beyond  them  alL 

"  Dukes  a  many,  and  Counts  a  few, 
I  would  have  wedded  right  cheerfullie  ; 

But  the  Duke  of  Lorraine  was  uncommonly  jJarn, 
And  I  vow''d  that  he  neVr  should  my  bridegroov»  be  8 

"  So  hither  I  fly,  in  lowly  guise. 

From  their  gilded  domes  and  their  princely  fta.is ; 
Fain  would  I  dwell  in  some  holy  cell. 

Or  within  some  Convent's  peaceful  walls  I " 

—Then  out  and  spake  that  proud  Lord  Abbot, 
"Now  rest  thee,  Fair  Daughter,  withouten  fear; 

Nor  Count  nor  Duke  but  shall  meet  the  rebuke 
Of  Holy  Church  an  he  seek  thee  here : 

"  Holy  Church  denieth  all  search 

*Midst  her  sanctified  ewes  and  her  saintly  rams ; 
And  the  wolves  doth  mock  who  would  scathe  her  Hoek, 

Or,  especially,  worry  her  little  pet  lambs. 

"  Then  lay,  Fair  Daughter,  thy  fears  aside. 
For  here  this  day  shalt  thou  dine  with  me  1 " — 

"  Now  naye,  now  naye,"  the  fair  maiden  cried ; 
"  In  sooth,  Lord  Abbot,  that  scarce  may  be ! 

•*  Friends  would  whisper,  and  foes  would  frown, 
Sith  thou  art  a  Churchman  of  high  degree. 

And  ill  mote  it  match  with  thy  fair  renown 
That  a  wandering  damsel  dine  with  tliee  I 


A    LAY    OF    ST.    NICHOLAS.  249 

There  is  Simon  the  Deacon  hath  pulse  in  store, 
With  beans  and  lettuces  fair  to  se^ ; 
His  lenten  fare  now  let  me  share, 

I  pray  thee,  Lord  Abbot,  in  charitie  I  " 

— **  Though  Simon  the  Deacon  hath  pulse  in  store, 

To  our  patron  Saint  foul  shame  it  were 
Should  wayworn  guest,  with  toil  oppress'd. 

Meet  in  his  abbey  such  churlish  fare. 

•  There  is  Peter  the  Prior,  and  Francis  the  Friar,  ■ 

And  Roger  the  Monk  shall  our  convives  be ; 
Small  scandal  I  ween  shall  then  be  seen ;  •     • 

They  are  a  goodly  companie !  " 


His  rich  dalmatic,  and  maniple  fine 
And  the  choristers  sing,  as  the  lay-brothers  bring 
To  the  board  a  magnificent  turkey  and  chine. 

The  turkey  and  chine,  they  are  done  to  a  nicety ; 

Liver,  and  gizzard,  and    M  are  there ; 
N«'er  mote  Lord  Abbot  pronounce  Benedicite 

Over  more  luscious  or  delicate  fare. 

But  no  pious  stave  he,  no  Pater  or  Ave 

Pronounced,  as  he  gazed  on  that  maiden's  face  : 

She  ask'd  him  for  stuffing,  she  ask'd  him  for  gravy 
She  ask'd  him  for  gizzard ; — but  not  for  Grace ! 

Yet  gaily  the  Lord  Abbot  smiled,  and  press'd. 
And  the  blood-red  wine  in  the  wine-cup  fiU'd ; 

And  he  help'd  his  guest  to  a  bit  of  the  breast. 
And  he  sent  the  drumsticks  down  to  be  grill'd. 

There  was  no  lack  of  old  Sherris  sack. 
Of  Hippocras  fine,  or  of  Malmsey  bright ; 

And  aye,  as  he  di*ain'd  off  his  cup  with  a  smack, 
He  grew  less  ^ious  and  more  polite. 
11* 


250  A    LAY    OF    ST.    NICHOLAS. 

She  pledged  him  once,  and  she  pledged  him  twice, 

And  she  drank  as  Lady  ought  not  to  drink ; 
And  he  press'd  her  hand  'neath  the  table  thrice, 

And  he  wink'd  as  Abbot  ought  not  to  wink. 

And  Peter  the  Prior,  and  Francis  the  Friar, 

Sat  each  with  a  napkin  under  his  chin  ; 
But  Roger  the  Monk  got  excessively  drunk, 

So  they  put  him  to  bed  and  they  tuck'd  him  in ! 

The  lay-brothers  gazed  on  each  other,  amazed ; 

And  Simon  the  Deacon,  with  grief  and  surprise, 
As  he  peep'd  through  the  key-hole,  could  scarce  fancy  rcHi 

The  scene  he  beheld,  or  believe  his  own  eyes. 

In  his  ear  was  ringing  the  Lord  Abbot  singing, — 
He  could  not  distinguish  the  words  very  plain, 

But  'twas  all  about  "  Cole,"  and  "jolly  old  Soul," 

And  "Fiddlers,"  and  "Punch,"  and  things  quite  as  profane. 

Even  Porter  Paul,  at  the  sound  of  -"uch  revelling, 

With  fervour  himself  began  to  bless ; 
For  he  thought  he  must  somehow  have  let  the  Devil  in, — 

And  perhaps  was  not  very  much  out  in  his  guess. 

The  Accusing  Buyers*  "flew up  to  Heaven's  Chancery," 
Blushing  like  scarlet  with  shame  and  concern  ; 

The  Archangel  took  down  his  tale,  and  in  answer  lie 
Wept — (See  the  works  of  the  late  Mr.  Sterne). 

Indeed,  it  is  said,  a  less  taking  both  were  in 

When,  after  a  lapse  of  a  great  many  years. 
They  book'd  Uncle  Toby  five  shillings  for  swearing, 

And  blotted  the  fine  out  again  with  their  tears! 

•  The  Prince  of  Peripatetic  Informera,  and  terror  of  Stage  Coachmen, 
when  such  thin£?3  were.  AlacUl  alack !  the  Railroads  have  ruined  his 
"■  vested  interest." 


A    LAY    OF    ST.    NICHOLAS.  261 

But  St  Nicholas'  agony  who  may  paint  ? 

His  senses  at  first  Avcre  well-nigh  gone ; 
The  beatified  Saint  was  ready  to  faint 

When  he  saw  in  his  Abbey  such  sad  goings  on  I 

For  never,  I  ween,  had  such  doings  been  seen 

There  before,  from  the  time  that  most  excellent  P*rince 

Earl  Baldwin  of  Flanders,  and  other  Commanders, 
Had  built  and  endowed  it  some  centuries  since. 

— But  hark ! — 'tis  a  sound  from  the  outermost  gate  I 

A  startling  sound  from  a  powerful  blow. — 
Who  knocks  so  late  ? — it  is  half  after  eight 

By  the  clock, — and  the  clock's  five  minutes  too  slow. 

Never,  perhaps,  had  such  loud  double  raps 

Been  heard  in  St  Nicholas'  Abbey  before ; 
All  agreed  "it  was  shocking  to  keep  people  knocking,** 

But  none  seem'd  inclined  to  "  answer  the  door." 

Now  a  louder  bang  through  the  cloisters  rang, 

And  the  gate  on  its  hinges  wide  open  flew ; 
And  all  were  aware  of  a  Palmer  there. 

With  his  cockle,  hat,  staff,  and  his  sandal  shoe- 
Many  a  furrow,  and  many  a  frown 

By  toil  and  time  on  his  brow  were  traced ;  ■ 
And  his  long  loose  gown  was  of  ginger  brown, 

And  his  rosary  dangled  below  his  waist 

Now  seldom,  I  ween,  is  such  costume  seen, 

Except  at  a  stage-play  or  masquerade  ; 
But  who  doth  not  know  it  was  rather  the  go 

With  Pilgrims  and  Saints  in  the  second  Crusade  f 

With  noiseless  stride  did  that  Palmer  glide 

Across  that  oaken  floor ; 
And  he  made  them  all  jump,  he  gave  such  a  thump 

Against  the  Refectory  door ! 


252  A    LAY    OF    ST.    NICHOLAS. 

Wide  open  it  flew,  and  plain  to  the  view 

The  Lord  Abl>ot  thej  all  mote  see ; 
In  his  hand  was  a  cup,  and  he  lifted  it  up, 

"Here's  the  Pope's  good  health  with  three! " 

Eang  in  their  ears  three  deafening  cheers, 

"  Huzza  I  huzza !  huzza !  " 
And  on*-  of  the  party  said,  "Go  it,  my  hearty!  " 

When  outspake  the  Pilgrim  grey — 

"  A  boon.  Lord  Abbot !  a  boon !  a  boon ! 

Worn  is  my  foot  and  empty  my  scrip ; 
And  nothing  to  speak  of  since  yesterday  noon 

Of  food,  Lord  Abbot,  hath  passed  my  li]>. 

"  And  I  am  come  from  a  far  countree. 
And  have  visited  many  a  holy  shrine ; 

And  long  have  I  trod  the  sacred  sod 

Where  the  Saints  do  rest  in  Palestine!  " 

"  An  thou  art  come  from  a  far  countree. 
And  if  thou  in  Paynim  lands  hast  been. 

Now  rede  me  aright  the  most  wonderful  sight, 
Thou  Palmer  grey,  that  thine  eyes  have  seen. 

•  Arede  me  aright  the  most  wonderful  sight, 
Grey  Palmer,  that  ever  thine  eyes  did  see, 

Ajid  a  manchette  of  bread,  and  a  good  warm  bed, 
And  a  cup  o'  the  best  slxall  thy  guerdon  be!  ** 

Oh  1  I  have  been  east,  and  I  have  been  west, 
And  I  have  seen  many  a  wonderful  sight ; 
But  never  to  me  did  it  happen  to  see 

A  wonder  like  that  which  I  see  this  night ! 

"To  see  a  Lord  Abbot,  in  rochet  and  stole, 
With  Prior  and  Friar, — a  strange  mar-velle ! — 

O'er  a  jolly  full  bowl,  sitting  cheek  by  jowl. 

And  hob-nobbing  away  with  a  Devil  from  Hell  I' 


A    LAY    OF    ST.    NICHOLAS.  25«l 

He  felt  iu  his  gown  of  ginger  brown, 

And  he  pull'd  out  a  flask  from  beneath ; 
It  was  rather  tough  work  to  get  out  the  cork, 

But  he  drew  it  at  last  with  his  teeth. 

O'er  a  pint  and  a  quarter  of  holy  water 

He  made  the  sacred  sign ; 
And  he  dash'd  the  whole  on  the  soi-disant  daughter 

Of  old  Plantagenet's  line  I 

Oh  1  then  did  she  reek,  and  squeak,  and  shriek, 

"With  a  wild  unearthly  scream ; 
And  fizzl'd,  and  hiss'd,  and  produced  such  a  mist. 

They  were  all  half-choked  by  the  steam. 

Her  dove-like  eyes  turn'd  to  coals  of  firo, 

Her  beautiful  nose  to  a  horrible  snout, 
Her  hands  to  paws,  with  nasty  great  claws, 

And  her  bosom  went  in,  and  her  tail  came  out 

On  her  chin  there  appear'd  a  long  Nanny-goat's  beard, 
And  her  tusks  and  her  teeth  no  man  mote  tell ; 

And  her  horns  and  her  hoofs  gave  infallible  proofs 
Twas  a  frightful  Fiend  from  the  nethermost  Hell  I 

The  Palmer  threw  down  his  ginger  gown. 

His  hat  and  his  cockle;  and,  plain  to  sight. 
Stood  St.  Nicholas'  self,  and  his  shaven  crown 

Had  a  glow-worm  halo  of  heavenly  light. 

The  Fiend  made  a  grasp,  the  Abbot  to  clasp ; 

But  St.  Nicholas  lifted  his  holy  toe, 
And,  just  in  the  nick,  let  fly  such  a  kick 

On  his  elderly  Namesake,  he  made  him  Lit  go. 

And  out  of  the  wmdow  he  flew  like  a  sh:>t, 

For  the  foot  flew  up  with  a  terrible  thwaok, 
And  caught  the  foul  demon  about  tlie  spot 

Wliere  his  tail  joins  on  to  the  small  of  his  back. 


254  A    LAY    OF    ST.    NICHOLAS. 

And  ho  bounded  away,  like  a  foot-ball  at  play, 

Till  into  the  bottomless  pit  he  fell  slap, 
Knocking  Mammon  the  meagre  o'er  pursy  Belphegor, 

And  Lucifer  into  Beelzebub's  lap. 

Oh  I  happy  the  slip  from  his  Suceubine  grip, 

That  saved  the  Lord  Abbot, — though,  breathless  with  fright 
In  escaping  he  tumbled,  and  fractured  his  hip. 

And  his  left  leg  was  shorter  thenceforth  than  his  right  1 


On  the  banks  of  the  Rhine,  as  he's  stopping  to  dine, 
From  a  certain  Inn-window  the  traveller  is  shown 

Most  ])icturesque  ruins,  the  scene  of  these  doings, 
Some  miles  up  the  river,  south-east  of  Cologne. 

And,  while  "  sour-kraut'^  she  sells  you,  the  Landlady  tells  you 

That  there,  in  those  walls,  now  all  roofless  and  bare, 
One  Simon,  a  Deacon,  from  a  lean  grew  a  sleek  one, 
'  On  filling  a  ci-devant  Abbot's  state  chair. 

How  a  ci-devant  Abbot,  all  clothed  in  drab,  but 
Of  texture  the  coarsest,  hair  shirt,  and  no  shoes, 

(Ilis  mitre  and  ring,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing 
Laid  aside,)  in  yon  Cave  lived  a  pious  recluse  ; 

How  he  rose  with  the  sun,  limping  "  dot  and  go  one," 
To  yon  rill  of  the  mountain,  in  all  sorts  of  weather, 

Where  a  Prior  and  a  Friar,  who  lived  somewhat  higher 
Up  the  rock,  used  to  come  and  eat  cresses  together ; 

How  a  thirsty  old  codger,  the  neighbours  called  Roger, 

With  them  drank  cold  water  in  lieu  of  old  wine  1 
What  its  quality  wanted  he  made  up  in  quantity, 
he  would  empty  the  Rhine i 


A    LAY    OF   o\.    NICHOLAS.  255 

And  how,  as  their  bodily  strength  fail'd,  the  mental  uiau 

Gain'd  tenfold  vigour  and  force  in  all  four  ; 
A.nd  how,  to  the  day  of  their  death,  the  "  Old  Gentleman" 

Never  attempted  to  kidnap  them  more. 

And  how,  when  at  length,  in  the  odour  of  sanctity, 
All  of  them  died  without  grief  or  complaint ; 

The  Monks  of  St.  Nicholas  said  'twas  ridiculous 
Not  to  suppose  every  one  was  a  Saint. 

And  how,  in  the  Abbey,  no  one  was  so  shabby 

As  not  to  say  yearly  four  masses  a  head, 
On  the  eve  of  that  supper,  and  kick  on  the  crupper 

Which  Satan  received,  for  the  souls  of  the  dead ! 

How  folks  long  held  in  reverence  their  reliques  and  memories, 
How  the  ci-devant  Abbot's  obtain'd  greater  still, 

When  some  cripples,  on  touching  his  fractured  osfcmoris^ 
Threw  down  their  crutches,  and  danced  a  quadrille  I 

And  how  Abbot  Simon,  (who  turn'd-out  a  prime  one,) 
These  words,  which  gi-ew  into  a  proverb  full  soon, 
O'er  the  late  Abbot's  grotto,  stuck  up  as  a  motto, 


25<i 


Uohesia,  daiii^hter  of  Ambrose,  and  sister  to  Sit 
Everard  Ingoldsby,  was  born  about  the  beginning  of 
the  16th  century,  and  was  married  in  1526,  at  St 
Giles's  Crii)plegate  in  the  City  of  London.  The  follow- 
in  er  narrative  contains  all  else  that  is  known  of 


!35'7 


THE  LADY  ROHESIA. 


The  Lady  Roliesia  lay  on  her  death-bed  ! 

So  said  the  doctor, — and  doctors  are  generally 
allowed  to  be  judges  in  these  mattei-s ; — besides,  Doctor 
Butts  was  the  Court  Physician  :  he  carried  a  crutch- 
handled  staff,  with  its  cross  of  the  blackest  ebony, — 
raison  de  plus  ! 

"  Is  there  no  hope,  Doctor  ?"  said  Beatrice  Grey. 

"  Is  there  no  hope  V  said  Everard  Ingoldsby. 

"  Is  there  no  hope  ?"  said  Sir  Guy  de  Montgomeri. 
— He  was  the  Lady  Rohesia's  husband  ; — he  spoke  the 
last. 

The  doctor  shook  his  head  :  he  looked  at  the  discon- 
solate widower  in  posse,  then  at  the  hour-glass  ; — its 
waning  sand  seemed  sadly  to  shadow  forth  the  sinking 
pulse  of  his  patient.  Dr.  Butts  was  a  very  learned  man. 
"  Ars  longa,  vita  brevis  /"  said  Doctor  Butts. 

"I  am  very  sorry  to  hear  it,''  quoth  Sir  Guy  de 
Montgomeri. 

Sir  Guy  was  a  brave  knight,  and  a  tall ;  but  he  was  no 
scholar. 

"  Alas  !  my  poor  Sister !"  sighed  Ingoldsby. 

"  Alas  !  my  poor  Mistress  !"  sobbed  Beatrice. 

Sir  Guy  neither  sighed  nor  sobbed ;  his  grief  was  too 
deep-seated  for  outward  manifestation. 


258  THE    LADY    HOHESIA. 

"  And  how  long,  Doctor  — V^  The  afflicted  husbana 
could  not  finish  the  sentence. 

Doctor  Butts  withdrew  his  hand  from  the  wrist  of  the 
dying  lady ;  he  pointed  to  the  horologe  ;  scarcely  a 
quarter  of  its  sand  remained  in  the  upper  moiety. 
Again  he  shook  his  head ;  the  eye  of  the  patient  waxed 
dimmer,  the  rattling  in  the  throat  increased. 

"  What's  become  of  Father  Francis  ?"  whimpered 
Beatrice. 

"  The  last  consolations  of  the  church — "  suggested 
Everard. 

A  darker  shade  came  over  the  brow  of  Sir  Guy. 

"  Where  is  the  Confessor  ?"  continued  his  grieving 
brother-in-law. 

"  In  the  pantry,"  cried  Marion  Racket  pertly,  as  she 
tripped  down  stairs  in  search  of  that  venerable  ecclesi- 
astic ; — "  in  the  pantry,  I  warrant  me." — The  bower- 
woman  was  not  wont  to  be  in  the  wrong ; — in  the 
pantry  was  the  holy  man  discovered, — at  his  devotions. 

*^  Pax  vobiscum  P^  said  Father  Francis,  as  he  entered 
the  chamber  of  death. 

"  Vita  hrevis  /"  retorted  Doctor  Butts : — he  was  not 
a  man  to  be  browbeat  out  of  his  Latin, — and  by  a 
paltry  Friar  Minim,  too,  Had  it  been  a  Bishop,  indeed, 
or  even  a  mitred  Abbot ; — but  a  miserable  Franciscan  ! 

"  Benedicite  /"  said  the  friar. 

"  Ars  longa  /"  returned  the  Leech. 

Doctor  Butts  adjusted  the  tassels  of  his  falling  band ; 
drew  his  short  sad-coloured  cloak  closer  around  him  ; 
and,  grasping  his  cross-handled  walking-staff,  stalked 
majestically  out  of  the  apartment.  Father  Francis  had 
r.lie  field  to  himself. 


THE    LADY    ROHESIA.  259 

The  worthy  chaplain  hastened  to  administer  the  last 
rites  of  the  church.  To  all  appearance  he  had  little 
time  to  lose  :  as  he  concluded,  the  dismal  toll  of  the 
passing-bell  sounded  from  the  belfry  tower;  little 
Hubert,  the  bandy-legged  sacristan,  was  pulling  with 
all  his  might.  It  was  a  capital  contrivance  that  same 
passing-bell: — which  of  the  Urbans  or  Innocents 
invented  it  is  a  query ;  but,  whoever  he  was,  he 
deserved  well  of  his  country  and  of  Christendom. 

Ah !  our  ancestors  were  not  such  fools,  after  all,  as 
we,  their  degenerate  children,  conceit  them  to  have 
been.  The  passing  bell !  a  most  solemn  warning  to 
imps  of  every  description,  is  not  to  be  regarded  with 
impunity :  the  most  impudent  Succubus  of  them  all 
dare  as  well  dip  his  claws  in  lioly  water,  as  come  within 
the  verge  of  its  sound.  Old  Nick  himself,  if  he  sets 
any  value  at  all  upon  his  tail,  had  best  convey  himself 
clean  out  of  hearing,  and  leave  the  way  open  to  Para- 
dise. Little  Hubert  continued  pulling  with  all  his 
might,  and  St.  Peter  began  to  look  out  for  a  customer. 

The  knell  seemed  to  have  some  effect  even  upon  the 
Lady  Rohesia  :  she  raised  her  head  slightly ;  inarticu- 
late sounds  issued  from  her  lips, — inarticulate,  that  is, 
to  the  profane  ears  of  the  laity.  Those  of  Father 
Francis,  indeed,  were  sharper ;  nothing,  as  he  averred, 
could  be  more  distinct  than  the  words,  "  A  thousand 
marks  to  the  priory  of  St.  Mary  Rouncival." 

Now  the  Lady  Rohesia  Ingoldsby  had  brought  her 
husband  broad  lands  and  large  possessions ;  much  of 
her  ample  dowry,  too,  was  at  her  own  disposal ;  and 
nuncupative  wills  had  not  yet  been  a]>oll^hed  by  Act 
of  Parliamcinl. 


260  THE    LADY    ROHESIA. 

"  Pious  soul !"  ejaculated  Father  Francis.  "  A 
thousand  marks,  she  said — " 

"  If  she  did,  I'll  be  shot !"  said  Sir  Guy  de  Mont- 
gomeri. 

" — A  thousand  marks !"  continued  the  Confessor, 
fixing  his  cold  grey  eye  upon  the  knight,  as  he  went  on 
heedless  of  the  interruption  ; — "  a  thousand  marks  I 
and  as  many  Aves  and  Paters  shall  be  duly  said — as 
soon  as  the  money  is  paid  down." 

Sir  Guy  shrank  from  the  monk's  gaze ;  he  turned  to 
the  window,  and  muttered  to  himself  something  that 
sounded  like  "  Don't  you  wish  you  may  get  it  f 

TRT  ^  TV  TnT  TnT  tV 

The  bell  continued  to  toll.  Father  Francis  had 
quitted  the  room,  taking  with  him  the  remains  of  the 
holy  oil  he  had  been  using  for  Extreme  Unction. 
Everard  Ingoldsby  waited  on  him  down  staire. 

"  A  thousand  thanks  !"  said  the  latter. 

"  A  thousand  marks  !"  said  the  friar. 

"  A  thousand  devils !"  growled  Sir  Guy  de  Mont- 
gomeri,  from  the  top  of  the  landing-place. 

But  his  accents  fell  unheeded :  his  brother-in-law  and 
the  friar  were  gone ;  he  was  left  alone  with  his 
departing  lady  and  Beatrice  Grey. 

Sir  Guy  de  Montgomeri  stood  pensively  at  the  foot 
of  the  bed :  his  arms  were  crossed  upon  his  bosom,  his 
chin  was  sunk  upon  his  breast ;  his  eyes  were  filled 
with  tears ;  the  dim  rays  of  the  fading  watch-light  gave 
a  darker  shade  to  the  furrows  on  his  brow,  and  a 
brighter  tint  to  the  little  bald  patch  on  the  top  of  his 
head, — for  Sir  Guy  was  a  middle-aged  gentleman,  tall 
and  portly  withal,  with  a  slight  bend  in  his  shoulders, 


THE    LADY    ROHESIA.  261 

but  that  not  much :  his  complexion  was  somewhat 
florid, — especially  about  the  nose ;  but  his  lady  was 
in  extremis,  and  at  this  particular  moment  he  was  paler 
than  usual. 

"  Bim  !  home  !"  went  the  bell.  The  knight  groaned 
audibly ;  Beatrice  Grey  wiped  her  eye  with  her  little 
square  apron  of  lace  de  Malines  ;  there  was  a  moment's 
Dause, — a  moment  of  intense  affliction  ;  she  let  it  fall,— 
alt  but  one  corner,  which  remained  between  her  finger 
and  thumb.  She  looked  at  Sir  Guy  ;  drew  the  thumb 
and  forefinger  of  her  other  hand  slowly  along  its 
border,  till  they  reached  the  opposite  extremity.  She 
sobbed  aloud :  "  So  kind  a  lady  1"  said  Beatrice  Grey. — 
"  So  excellent  a  wife  !"  responded  Sir  Guy. — "  So 
good  !"  said  the  damsel. — "  So  dear !"  said  the  knight. — 
"  So  pious  !"  said  she.—"  So  humble  !"  said  he.—"  So 
good  to  the  poor !" — "  So  capital  a  manager  !" — "  So 
punctual  at  matins !" — "  Dinner  dished  to  a  moment !" — 
"  So  devout !"  said  Beatrice. — "  So  fond  of  me  !"  said 
Sir  Guy.— "And  of  Father  Francis  !"— "  What  the  devil 
do  you  mean  by  that  ?"  said  Sir  Guy  de  Montgomeri. 


The  knight  and  the  maiden  had  rung  their  antipho- 
nic  changes  on  the  fine  qualities  of  the  departing  Lady, 
like  the  Strophe  and  Antistrophe  of  a  Greek  play.  The 
cardinal  virtues  once  disposed  of,  her  minor  excellencies 
came  under  review  : — She  would  drown  a  witch,  drink 
lambs*-wool  at  Christmas,  beg  Dominie  Dumps's  boys  a 
holiday,  and  dine  upon  sprats  on  Good  Friday  !  A  low 
moan  from  the  subject  of  these  eulogies  seemed  to 
intimate  that  the  enumeration  of  her  good  deeds  w,is 


262  THE    LADY    UOIIESIA. 

not  altogether  lost  on  lier, — that  the  parting  spirit  fell 
and  rejoiced  in  the  testimony. 

"  She  was  too  good  for  earth  !"  continued  Sir  Guy. 

"  Ye-ye-yes  !"  sobbed  Beatrice. 

"  I  did  not  deserve  her  !"  said  the  knight. 

"  No-o-o-o  !"  cried  the  damsel. 

"  Not  but  that  I  made  her  an  excellent  husband,  and 
a  kind ;  but  she  is  going,  and — and — where,  or  when, 
or  how — shall  I  get  such  another  ?" 

"  Not  in  broad  England — not  in  the  whole  wide 
world  !"  responded  Beatrice  Grey  ;  "  that  is,  not  just 
such  another  !"  Her  voice  still  faltered,  but  her  accents 
on  the  whole  were  more  articulate ;  she  dropped  the 
corner  of  her  apron,  and  had  recourse  to  her  handker- 
chief; in  fact  her  eyes  were  getting  red, — and  so  was 
tlie  tip  of  her  nose. 

Sir  Guy  was  silent ;  he  gazed  for  a  few  moments 
stedfastly  on  the  face  of  his  lady.  The  single  word 
"  Another  !"  fell  from  his  hps  like  a  distant  echo  ;  it  is 
not  often  that  the  viewless  nymph  repeats  more  than  is 
necessary. 

"  Bim  !  home  :"  went  the  bell.  Bandy-legged  Hu- 
bert had  been  tolling  for  half  an  hour ;  he  began  to 
grow  tired,  and  St.  Peter  fidgety. 

"  Beatrice  Grey !"  said  Sir  Guy  de  Montgomeri, 
"  what's  to  be  done  ?  Y/hat's  to  become  of  Montgomeri 
Hall  ? — and  the  buttery, — and  the  servants  ?  And 
what — what's  to  become  of  mc,  Beatrice  Grey  ?"  There 
was  pathos  in  his  tones,  and  a  solemn  pause  succeeded. 
■'  I'll  turn  monk  myself !"  said  Sir  Guy. 

''  Monk  V  said  Beatrice. 

"  I'll  be  a  Carthusian  !"  repeated  the  knight,  but  in  a 


THE    LADY    KOHESIA.  263 

tone  less  assured  :  lie  relapsed  into  a  reverie.  Shave 
his  head  ! — he  did  not  so  much  mind  that, — he  was 
getting  rather  bald  already ;  but,  beans  for  dinner, — and 
those  without  butter — and  then  a  horse-hair  shirt ! 

The  knight  seemed  undecided :  his  eye  roamed 
gloomily  around  the  apartment :  it  paused  upon  dif- 
ferent objects,  but  as  if  it  saw  them  not ;  its  sense  was 
shut,  and  there  was  no  speculation  in  its  glance  :  it 
rested  at  last  upon  the  fair  face  of  the  sympathising 
damsel  at  his  side,  beautiful  in  her  grief. 

Her  tears  had  ceased  ;  but  her  eyes  were  cast  down, 
and  mournfully  fixed  upon  her  delicate  little  foot,  which 
was  beating  the  devil's  tattoo. 

There  is  no  talking  to  a  female  when  she  does  not 
look  at  you.  Sir  Guy  turned  round, — he  seated  him- 
self on  the  edge  of  the  bed;  and,  placing  his  hand 
beneath  the  chin  of  the  lady,  turned  up  her  face  in  an 
angle  of  fifteen  degrees. 

"I  don't  think  I  shall  take  the  vows,  Beatrice;  but 
what's  to  become  ©f  me  ?  Poor,  miserable,  old — that 
is,  poor,  miserable,  middle-aged  man  than  I  am  !  JSfy 
one  to  comfort,  no  one  to  care  for  me  !"  Beatrice's  tears 
flowed  afresh,  but  she  opened  not  her  lips.  "  'Pon  my 
life  !"  continued  he,  "  I  don't  believe  there  is  a  creature 
now  would  care  a  button  if  I  were  hanged  to-morrow  !" 

"  Oh  !  don't  say  so.  Sir  Guy  !"  sighed  Beatrice ; 
"  you  know  there's — there's  Master  Everard,  and — and 
Father  Francis — " 

"  Pisb  !"  cried  Sir  Guy  testily. 

"  And — there's  your  favourite  old  bitcli." 

"  I  am  not  thinking  of  old  bitches  !"  quoth  Sir  Guy 
de  Montgomeri. 


264  THE    LADY    ROHESIA. 

Another  pause  ensued :  the  knight  had  released  hei 
chin,  and  taken  her  hand  ;  it  was  a  pretty  little  hand, 
with  long  taper  fingers  and  filbert-formed  nails,  and 
the  softness  of  the  palm  said  little  for  its  owner's 
industry. 

"  Sit  down,  my  dear  Beatrice,"  said  the  knight, 
thoughtfully  ;  "  you  must  be  fatigued  with  your  long 
watching.  Take  a  seat,  my  child."  Sir  Guy  did  not 
relinquish  her  hand  ;  but  he  sidled  along  the  counter- 
pane, and  made  room  for  his  companion  between  him- 
self and  the  bed-post. 

Now  this  is  a  very  awkward  position  for  two  people 
to  be  placed  in,  especiailly  when  the  right  hand  of  the 
one  holds  the  right  hand  of  the  other ;  in  such  an  atti- 
tude, what  the  deuce  can  the  gentleman  do  with  his 
left  ?  Sir  Guy  closed  his  till  it  became  an  absolute  fist, 
and  his  knuckles  rested  on  the  bed  a  little  in  the  rear 
of  his  companion. 

"  Another  !"  repeated  Sir  Guy,  musing  ;  "  if,  indeed, 
I  could  find  such  another !"  He  was  talking  to  his 
thought,  but  Beatrice  Grey  answered  him. 

"  There's  Madam  Fitzfoozle." 

"  A  frump  !"  said  Sir  Guy. 

"  Or  the  Lady  Bumbarton." 

"  With  her  hump  !"  muttered  he. 

"  There's  the  Dowager—" 

"  Stop — stop  !"  said  the  knight,  "  stop  one  moment !" 
He  paused ;  he  was  all  on  the  tremble ;  something 
seemed  rising  in  his  throat,  but  he  gave  a  great  gulp, 
and  swallowed  it.  "  Beatrice,"  said  he,  "  what  think 
you  of — "  his  voice  sank  into  a  most  seductive  softness, 
--*'  wliat  think  you  of — Beatrice  Grey  ?" 


THE    LADY-    ROttESIA.  266 

The  murder  was  out:  the  knight  felt  infinitely 
relieved  ;  the  knuckles  of  his  left  hand  unclosed  spon- 
taneously ;  and  the  arm  he  had  felt  such  a  difficulty  in 
disposing  of,  found  itself, — nobody  knows  how, — all  at 
once,  encircling  the  jimp  waist  of  the  pretty  Beatrice. 
The  young  lady's  reply  was  expressed  in  three  syllables. 
They  were,—"  Oh,  Sir  Guy !"  The  words  might  be 
somewhat  indefinite,  but  there  was  no  mistaking  the 
look.  Their  eyes  met ;  Sir  Guy's  left  arm  contracted 
itself  spasmodically  :  when  the  eyes  meet, — at  least,  as 
theirs  met, — the  lips  are  very  apt  to  follow  the  example. 
The  knight  had  taken  one  long,  loving  kiss — nectar 
and  ambrosia !  He  thought  on  Doctor  Butts  and  his 
repetatur  haustus, — a  prescription  Father  Francis  had 
taken  infinite  pains  to  translate  for  him  :  he  was  about 
to  repeat  it,  but  the  dose  was  interrupted  in  transitu. 
Doubtless  the  adage, 

"  There  is  many  a  slip 
'Twixt  the  cup  and  the  lip," 

hath  reference  to  medicine.  Sir  Guy's  lip  was  agam  all 
but  in  conjunction  with  that  of  his  bride  elect. 

It  has  been  hinted  already  that  there  was  a  little 
round  polished  patch  on  the  summit  of  the  knight's 
pericranium,  from  which  his  locks  had  gradually 
receded ;  a  sort  of  oasis, — or  rather  a  Mont  Blanc  in 
miniature,  rismg  above  the  highest  point  of  vegetation. 
It  was  on  this  little  spot,  undefended  alike  by  Art  and 
Nature,  that  at  this  interesting  moment  a  blow  descended, 
such  as  we  must  borrow  a  term  from  the  Sister  Island 
adequately  to  describe, — it  was  a  "  Whack  !" 

Sir  Guy  started  upon  his  feet ;  Beatrice  Grey  started 

FIRST    SERIES.  12 


266  THE    LADY    ROHESIA. 

upon  hers  :  but  a  single  glance  to  the  rear  reversed  hei 
position, — she  fell  upon  her  knees  and  screamed. 

The  knig-ht,  too,  wheeled  about,  and  beheld  a  sighi 
which  might  have  turned  a  bolder  man  to  stone..  1 
was  She  ! — the  all  but  defunct  Rohesia — there  she  sat 
bolt  upright ! — her  eyes  no  longer  glazed  with  the  film 
(^f  impending  dissolution,  but  scintillating  like  flint  and 
steel  ;  while  in  her  hand  she  grasped  the  bed-staft', — a 
weapon  of  mickle  might,  as  her  husband's  bloody  cox- 
comb could  now  well  testify.  Words  were  yetnvanting, 
for  the  quinsy,  wliich  her  rage  had  broken,  still  impeded 
her  utterance ;  but  the  strength  and  rapidity  of  hei 
guttural  intonations  augured  well  for  her  future  elo- 
quence. 

Sir  Guy  de  Montgomeri  stood  for  a  while  like  a  man 
distraught ;  this  resurrection — for  such  it  seemed — had 
quite  overpowered  him.  "  A  husband  ofttimes  makes 
the  best  physician,"  says  the  proverb ;  he  was  a  living 
pei'sonification  of  its  truth.  Still  it  was  whispered  he 
had  been  content  with  Dr.  Butts;  but  his  lady  was 
restored  to  bless  him  for  many  years.  Heavens,  what  a 
life  he  led ! 

The  Lady  Rohesia  mended  apace;  her  quinsy  was 
cured ;  the  bell  was  stopped ;  and  little  Hubert,  the 
sacristan,  kicked  out  of  the  chapelry.  St.  Peter  opened 
his  wicket,  and  looked  out; — ^there  was  nobody  there; 
so  he  flung-to  the  gate  in  a  passion,  and  went  back  to 
his  lodge,  grumbling  at  being  hoaxed  by  a  runaway 
ling. 

Years  rolled  on.  Tlie  improvement  of  Lady  Rohesia's 
temper  did  not  keep  pace  with  that  of  her  health ;  and 
one  fine  morning  Sir  Guy  de  Montgomeri  was  seen  to 


THE    LAbi     KOHESIA.  267 

enter  the  porte-cochlre  of  Durham  House,  at  that  time 
the  town  residence  of  Sir  Walter  Raleigh.  Nothing 
more  was  ever  heard  of  him  ;  but  a  boat  full  of  adven- 
turers was  known  to  have  dropped  down  with  the  tide 
that  evening  to  Deptford  Hope,  where  lay  the  good 
ship  the  Darling,  commanded  by  Captain  Keymis,  who 
sailed  next  morning  on  the  Virginia  voyage. 

A  brass  plate,  some  eighteen  inches  long,  may  yet 
be  seen  in  Denton  chancel,  let  into  a  broad  slab  of 
Bethersden  marble ;  it  represents  a  lady  kneeling,  in 
her  wimple  and  hood  ;  her  hands  are  clasped  in  prayer, 
and  beneath  is  an  inscription  in  the  characters  of  the 
age— 

"'^iKit  £or  2^  jE?ob)U  of  2®  ^LaJbrg  ^a-Q^st, 
Enif  for  alU  Cbristtit  5o5nk5 !" 

The  date  is  illegible ;  but  it  appears  that  she  survived 
King  Henry  the  Eighth,  and  that  the  dissolution  of 
monasteries  had  lost  St.  Mary  Rouncival  her  thousand 
marks.  As  for  Beatrice  Grey,  it  is  well  known  that  she 
was  alive  in  1559,  and  then  had  virginity  enough  left 
to  be  a  maid  of  Honour  to  "  good  Queen  Bess." 


269 


It  was  during  the  "Honey  (or,  as  it  is  sometimes 
termed,  the  "  Treacle,")  Moon,"  that  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Sea- 
forth  passed  through  London.  A  "  goodnatured  friend," 
who  dropped  in  to  dinner,  forced  them  in  the  evening 
to  the  theatre  for  the  purpose  of  getting  rid  of  him.  I 
give  Charles's  account  of  the  Tragedy,  just  as  it  was 
written,  without  altering  even  the  last  couplet — for 
there  would  be  no  making  "  Egerton"  rhyme  with 
"  Story." 


269 


THE  TRAGEDY. 


Quaeque  ipse  miserrima  vidi.— Vmoit. 

Catherine  of  Cleves  was  a  Lady  of  rank, 

She  liad  lands  and  fine  houses,  and  cash  in  the  Bank ; 

She  had  jewels  and  rings, 

And  a  thousand  smart  things  ; 

Was  lovely  and  young, 

With  a  rather  sharp  tongue, 
And  she  wedded  a  Noble  of  high  degree 
With  the  star  of  the  order  of  St,  Esprit ; 

But  the  Duke  de  Guise 

Was,  by  many  degrees, 
Her  senior,  and  not  very  easy  to  please  ; 
He'd  a  sneer  on  his  lip,  and  a  scowl  with  his  eye, 
And  a  frown  on  his  brow, — and  he  look'd  like  a  Guy,- 

So  she  took  to  intriguing 

With  Monsieur  St.  Megrin, 
A  young  man  of  fashion,  and  figure,  and  worth, 
But  with  no  great  pretensions  to  fortune  or  birth ; 

He  would  sing,  fence,  and  dance 

With  the  best  man  in  France, 
And  took  his  rappee  with  genteel  nonchalance ; 
He  smiled,  and  he  flatter'd,  and  flirted  with  ease, 
And  was  very  superior  to  Monseignexir  de  Guise. 

Now  Monsieur  St  Megrin  was  curious  to  know 
If  the  Lady  approved  of  his  passion  or  no ; 


270  THE    TRAGEDY. 

So  without  more  ado, 

He  put  on  his  surtout, 
And  went  to  a  man  with  a  beard  like  a  Jew, 

One  Signor  Ruggieri, 

A  Cunning-inau  near,  he 
Could  conjure,  tell  fortunes,  and  ealculatc  tides, 
Perform  tricks  on  the  cards,  and  Heaven  knows  what  besides^ 
Bring  back  a  stray'd  cow,  silver  ladle,  or  spoon. 
And  was  thought  to  be  thick  with  the  Man  in  the  Moon. 

The  sage  took  his  stand 

With  his  wand  in  his  hand. 
Drew  a  circle,  then  gave  the  dread  word  of  command. 
Saying  solemnly — "  Presto  ! — Hey,  quick  ! — CocTc-a-lorum  !  1^ 
When  the  Duchess  immediately  popp'd  up  before  'em. 

Just  then  a  Conjunction  of  Venus  and  Mars, 

Or  something  peculiar  above  in  the  stars. 

Attracted  the  notice  of  Signor  Ruggieri, 

Who  "bolted,"  and  left  him  alone  with  his  deary. — 

Monsieur  St.  Megrin  went  down  on  his  knees. 

And  the  Duchess  shed  tears  large  as  marrow-fat  peas, 

When, — fancy  the  shock, — 

A  loud  double  knock. 
Made  the  Lady  cry  "  Get  up,  you  fool ! — there's  De  Guise  I  "— 

'Twas  his  Grace,  sure  enough ; 

So  Monsieur,  looking  bluff. 
Strutted  by,  with  his  hat  on,  and  fingering  his  ruff. 
While,  unseen  by  either,  away  flew  the  Dame 
Through  the  opposite  key -hole,  the  same  way  she  came: 

But,  alack!  and  alas! 

A  mishap  came  to  pass. 
In  her  hurry  she,  somehow  or  other,  let  fall 
A  new  silk  Bandana  she'd  worn  as  a  shawl ; 

She  had  used  it  for  drying 

Her  bright  eyes  while  crying, 
And  blowing  her  nose,  as  her  Beau  talk'd  of  dying!  " 

Now  the  Duke,  who  had  seen  it  so  lately  adorn  her, 
A.nd  knew  the  great  C  with  the  Crown  in  the  corner 


THE    TRAGEDY.  271 

Tlie  mstant  he  spied  it,  smoked  something  amiss, 

And  said,  with  some  energy,   "  D it  I  what's  this  ? " 

He  went  home  in  a  fume, 

And  bounced  into  her  room, 
Crying,   "So,  Ma'am,  I  find  I've  some  cause  to  be  jealous  1 
Look  here ! — ^here's  a  proof  you  run  after  the  fellows! 
— Now  take  up  that  pen, —  if  it's  bad  clioose  a  better, — 
And  write,  as  I  dictate,  this  moment  a  letter 

To  Monsieur — ^you  know  wl^o  ?  " 

The  Lady  look'd  blue  ; 
But  replied  with  much  firmness — "Hang  me  if  I  do!  " 

De  Guise  grasped  her  wrist 

V>'ith  his  great  bony  fist, 
And  pineliM  it,  and  gave  it  so  painful  a  twisty 
That  his  hard,  iron  gauntlet  the  flesh  went  an  inch  in, — 
She  did  not  mind  death,  but  she  could  not  stand  pinching; 

So  she  sat  down  and  wrote 

This  polite  little  note : — 

"  Dear  Mister  St.  Megrin, 

The  Chiefs  of  the  League  in 

Our  house  mean  to  dine 

This  evening  at  nine ; 

I  shall,  soon  after  ten, 

Slip  away  from  the  men. 
And  you'll  find  me  upstairs  in  the  drawing-room  then  ; 
Come  up  the  back  way,  or  those  impudent  thieves 
Of  Servants  will  see  you ;     Yours 

Catherine  of  Cleves." 
She  directed  and  sealed  it,  all  pale  as  a  ghost, 
And  De  Guise  put  it  into  the  Twopenny  Post. 

St.  Megrin  had  almost  jumped  out  of  his  skin 
For  joy  that  day  when  the  post  came  in ; 

He  read  the  note  through, 

Then  began  it  anew, 
And  thought  it  almost  too  good  news  to  be  true.— 

He  clapp'd  on  his  hat, 

And  a  hood  over  that^ 


272  THE    TRAGEDY. 

With  a  cloak  to  disguise  him,  and  make  him  look  fat ; 
So  great  his  impatience,  from  half  after  Four 
He  was  waiting  till  Ten  at  De  Guise's  back  door. 
When  he  heard  the  great  clock  of  St.  Genevieve  chime 
He  ran  up  the  back  staircase  six  steps  at  a  time. 

He  had  scarce  made  his  bow, 

He  hardly  knew  how, 

When  alas !  and  alack  1 

There  was  no  getting  back. 
For  the  drawing-room  door  was  bang'd  to  with  a  whack ; — 

In  vain  he  applied 

To  the  handle  and  tried. 
Somebody  or  other  had  locked  it  outside  ! 
And  the  Duchess  in  agony  mourned  her  mishap, 
"  We  are  caught  like  a  couple  of  rats  in  a  trap." 

Now  the  Duchess's  Page, 

About  twelve  years  of  age, 
For  so  little  a  boy  was  remarkably  sage  ; 
And,  just  in  the  nick,  to  their  joy  and  amazement, 
Popp'd  the  Gas-lighter's  ladder  close  under  the  casement. 

But  all  would  not  do, — 

Though  St  Megrin  got  through 
The  window, — ^below  stood  De  Guise  and  his  crew. 
And  though  never  man  was  more  brave  than  St.  Megrin 
Yet  fighting  a  score  is  extremely  fatiguing ; 

He  thrust  carte  and  tierce 

Uncommonly  fierce, 
But  not  Beelzebub's  self  could  their  cuirasses  pierce ; 

While  his  doublet  and  hose, 

Being  holiday  clothes. 
Were   soon   cut  through   and  through  from  his  knees  to  his 

nose. 
Still  an  old  crooked  sixpence  the  Conjuror  gave  him 
From  pistol  and  sword  was  sufficient  to  save  him, 

But  when  beat  on  his  knees, 

That  confounded  De  Guise 
Came  behind  with  the  "  fogle  "  that  caused  all  this  breeze, 


THE    n./.OEDY.  273 

Whipp'd  it  tight  round  liis  noek,  and,  when   backward  he'd 

jerk'd  him, 
The  rest  of  the  rascals  jumped  on  him  and  Burked  him. 
The  poor  little  Page,  too,  himself  got  no  quarter,  but 

Was  served  the  same  way, 

And  was  found  the  next  day 
With  his  heels  in  the  air,  and  his  head  in  the  water-butt ; 

Catherine  of  Cleves 

Roar'd  "Murder!  "and  "Thieves!" 

From  the  window  above 

While  tliey  murder'd  her  love ; 
Till,  finding  the  rogues  had  accomplish'd  his  slaughter, 
Bhe  drank  Prussic  acid  without  any  water, 
And  died  like  a  Duke-and-a-Duehess's  daughter  1 

Moral. 

Take  warning,  ye  Fair,  from  this  tale  of  the  Bard's, 

And  dont  go  where  fortunes  are  told  on  the  cards. 

But  steer  clear  of  Conjurors, — never  put  query 

To  "  Wise  Mrs.  Williams,"  or  folks  like  Ruggieri. 

When  alone  in  your  room  shut  the  door  close,  and  lock  it ; 

Above  all, — keep  your  handkerchief  safe  in  your  pocket  I 

Lest  you  too  should  stumble,  and  Lord  Leveson  Gower,  he 

Be  eall'd  on, — sad  poet  1 — ^to  tell  your  sad  story  1 


274 


It  was  in  the  summer  of  1838  tliat  a  party  from 
Tappington  readied  the  metropolis  with  a  view  of 
witnessing  the  coronation  of  their  youthful  Queen, 
whom  God  long  preserve  ! — This  purpose  they  were 
fortunate  enough  to  accomplish  by  the  purchase  of  a 
peer's  ticket,  from  a  stationer  in  the  Strand,  who  was 
enabled  so  to  dispose  of  some,  greatly  to  the  indigna- 
tion of  the  hereditary  Earl  Marshal.  How  Mr.  Barney 
managed  to  insinuate  himself  into  the  Abbey  remains  a 
mystery :  his  characteristic  modesty  and  address  doubt- 
less assisted  him,  for  there  he  unquestionably  was. 
The  result  of  his  observations  was  thus  communicated 
to  his  associates  in  the  Servants'  Hall  upon  his  return, 
to  the  infinite  delectation  of  Mademoiselle  Pauline  ovei 
a  Cruiskeen  of  his  own  concocting. 


276 


MR.  BARNEY  MAGUIRE'S  ACCOUNT   OF  /UIK 
CORONATION. 


Air — "  llie  Groves  of  Blarney.** 

OcH !  the  Coronation !  what  celebration 

For  emulation  can  with  it  compare? 
When  to  Westminster  the  Royal  Spinster, 

And  the  Duke  of  Leinster,  all  in  order  did  repair ! 
*Twas  there  you'd  see  the  New  Polishemen 

Making  a  skrimmage  at  half  after  four, 
And  the  Lords  and  Ladies,  and  Miss  O'Gradyi^ 

AJl  standing  round  before  the  Abbey  door. 

Their  pillows  scorning,  that  self-same  morning 

Themselves  adorning,  all  by  the  candle-light, 
With  roses  and  lilies,  and  daffy-do  wn-dillies, 

And  gould,  and  jewels,  and  rich  di'monds  bright 
And  then  approaches  five  hundred  coaches, 

With  Giniral  Dullbeak. — Och!  'twas  mighty  fine 
To  see  how  asy  bould  Corporal  Casey, 

With  his  sword  drawn,  prancing,  made  them  kapc  \\\( 
line. 

Then  the  Guns'  alarums,  and  the  King  of  Arums, 

All  in  his  Garters  and  his  Clarence  shoes. 
Opening  the  massy  doors  to  the  bould  Ambassydors. 

Tlie  Pi'ince  of  Potboys,  and  great  haythen  Jews; 
*Twould  have  made  you  crazy  to  see  Esterhazy 

All  joo'ls  from  his  jasey  to  his  di'mond  boots. 
With  Alderman  Harmer,  and  that  swate  charmer 

Tlie'famalo  heiress,  Miss  Anj  l-ly  Coutts. 


27G 


And  Wellington,  walking  with  his  swoord  drawn,  talking 

To  Ilill  and  Hardinge,  haroes  of  groat  fame  ; 
And  Sir  De  Laej,  and  the  Duke  Dalmasey, 

(They  call'd  him  So  wit  afore  he  changed  his  name,") 
Themselves  presading  Lord  Melbourne,  lading 

The  Queen,  the  darling,  to  her  royal  chair, 
And  that  fine  ould  fellow,  the  Duke  of  Pell-Mello, 

The  Queen  of  Portingal's  Chargy-de-fair. 

Then  the  Noble  Prussians,  likewise  the  Russians, 

In  fine  laced  jackets  with  thoii'  goulden  cuffs. 
And  the  Bavarians,  and  the  proud  Hungarians, 

And  Everythingarians  all  in  furs  and  muffs. 
Then  Misthur  Spaker,  with  Misthur  Pays  the  Quakei-, 

All  in  the  Gallery  you  might  persave ; 
But  Lord  Brougham  was  missing,  and  gone  a-fishing, 

Ounly  crass  Lord  Essex  would  not  give  him  lave. 

Tliere  was  Baron  Alten  himself  exalting. 

And  Prince  Von  Swartzenburg,  and  many  moi'e, 
Oeh  !  rd  be  bother'd  and  entirely  smother'd 

To  tell  the  half  of  'em  was  to  the  fore ; 
With  the  swate  Peeresses,  in  their  crowns  and  di-esses, 

And  Mdermanesses,  and  the  boord  of  Works ; 
But  Mehemet  Ali  said,  quite  gintaly, 

"  I'd  be  proud  to  see  the  likes  among  the  Turks !  " 

Then  the  Queen,  Heaven  bless  her  !  och  !  they  did  dress  her 

In  her  purple  garaments  and  her  goulden  Crown  ; 
Like  Venus  or  Hebe,  or  the  Queen  of  Sheby, 

With  eight  young  Ladies  houlding  up  her  gown. 
Sure  'twas  grand  to  see  her,  also  for  to  he-ar 

The  big  drums  bating,  and  the  trumpets  blow, 
And  Sir  George  Smart !  Oh  !  he  play'd  a  Consarto, 

With  his  tour-and-twenty  fiddlers  all  on  a  row ! 

Tlien  the  Lord  Archbishop  held  a  goulden  difli  up, 
For  to  resave  her  bounty  ar  1  groat  wealtli,  * 


ACCOUNT    OF    THE    COHONATION.  27' 

Saying,   "  Plase  your  Glory,  great  Queen  Vie-tory  ! 

Ye'll  give  the  Clargy  lave  to  dhrink  your  healtli!  " 
Then  his  Riverence,  retrating,  discoorsed  the  mating ; 

"  Boys !  Here's  your  Queen !  deny  it  if  you  can  1 
And  if  any  bould  traitour,  or  infarior  erathur, 

Sneezes  at  that,  I'd  like  to  see  the  man !  " 

Then  the  Nobles  kneeling  to  the  Pow'rs  appealing; 

"  Heaven  send  your  Majesty  a  glorious  reign  !  " 
And  Sir  Claudius  Hunter  he  did  confront  her, 

All  in  his  scarlet  gown  and  gowlden  chain. 
The  great  Lord  May'r,  too,  sat  in  his  chair,  too, 

But  mighty  sarious,  looking  fit  to  cry, 
For  the  Earl  of  Surrey,  all  in  his  hurry, 

Throwing  the  thirteens,  hit  him  in  his  eye. 

Then  there  was  preaching,  and  good  store  of  speech) pv. 

With  Dukes  and  Marquises  on  bended  knee ; 
And  they  did  splash  her  with  raal  Maeasshur, 

And  the  Queen  said,   "Ah  !  then,  thank  ye  all  for  me  I  "— 
Then  the  trumpets  braying,  and  the  organ  playing. 

And  sweet  trombones  with  their  silver  tones; 
But  Lord  Rolle,  was  rolling ; — 'twas  mighty  consoling 

To  think  that  liis  Lordship  did  not  break  his  bones ! 

Then  the  crames  and  custard,  and  the  beef  and  mustard, 

All  on  the  tombstones  like  a  poultherer's  shop  ; 
With  lobsters  and  white-bait,  and  other  swate-meats, 

And  wine,  and  nagus,  and  Imparial  Pop! 
There  was  cakes  and  apples  in  all  the  Chapels, 

With  fine  polonies,  and  rich  mellow  pears, — 
Och  I  the  Count  Von  Strogonoff,  sure  he  got  prog  enough. 

The  sly  old  Divil,  undernathe  the  stairs. 

Then  the  cannons  thunder'd,  and  the  people  wondor'd, 
Crying,   "God  save  Victoii',  our  Royal  Queen  !  " — 

—Och  1  if  myself  shoild  live  to  bo  a  hundred, 
Sure  it's  the  proudest  day  thivt  I'il  have  seen  !— 


278  MR.  maguire's  account  of  the  coronation. 

And  now  I  have  ended,  what  I  pretended, 
This  narration  splendid  in  swate  poe-thry, 

Ye  dear  bewitcher,  just  hand  the  pitcher. 
Faith,  it's  myself  that's  getting  mighty  dhry  I 


As  a  pendant  to  the  foregoing,  I  shall  venture  to 
insert  Mr.  Simpkinson's  lucubrations  on  a  subject  to 
him,  as  a  Savant  of  the  first  class,  scarcely  less  inter- 
esting. The  aerial  voyage  to  which  it  alhules  took 
place  about  a  year  and  a  half  previously  to  the  august 
event  already  recorded,  and  the  excitement  manifested 
in  the  learned  Antiquary's  effusion  may  give  some  faint 
idea  of  that  which  prevailed  generally  among  the  Sons 
of  c>cience  at  that  memorable  epoch. 


279 


THE  "MONSTRE"  BALLOON. 


Oh  I  the  balloon,  the  great  balloon 

It  left  Vaiixhall  one  Monday  at  noon, 

And  every  one  said  we  should  hear  of  it  soon 

"With  news  from  Aleppo  or  Seanderoon. 

But  very  soon  after  folks  changed  their  tune ; 

"  The  netting  had  burst — the  silk — the  shalloon  ; — 

It  had  met  with  a  trade-wind — a  deuced  monsoon — 

It  was  blown  out  to  sea — it  was  blown  to  the  moon — 

They  ought  to  have  put  off  their  journey  till  June ; 

Sure  none  but  a  donkey,  a  goose,  or  baboon 

Would  go  up  in  November  in  any  balloon !  " 

Then  they  talk'd  about  Green — "  Oh !  where's  Mister  Green 

And  where's  Mister  Hollond  who  hired  the  machine  ? 

And  where  is  Monk  Mason,  the  man  that  has  been 

Up  80  often  before — twelve  times  or  thirteen — 

And  who  writes  such  nice  letters  describing  the  scene? 

And  where's  the  cold  fowl,  and  the  ham  and  poteen  ? 

Tlie  press'd  beef,  with  the  fat  cut  off — nothing  but  lean, 

And  the  portable  soup  in  the  patent  tureen  ? 

Have  they  got  to  Grand  Cairo,  or  reach'd  Aberdeen  ? 

Or  Jerusalem — Hamburg — or  Ballyporcen  ? 

No !  they   have   not  been   seen !     Oh !    they  haven't   beor 

seen ! " 
Stayl  here's  Mister  Gye — Mr.  Frederick  Gye-^ 
"At  Paris,"  says  he,   "I've  been  up  very  high, 
A  couple  of  liundred  of  toises,  or  nigh, 

""'""'"  '  ^3,   to  ?OV, 


280  THE    "  MONSTRE  "    BALLOON. 

"With  Dollond's  best  telescope  stuck  at  my  eye, 
And  my  umbrella  under  my  arm  like  Paul  Pry, 
But  I  could  see  nothing  at  all  but  the  sky ; 
So  I  thought  with  myself  'twas  of  no  use  to  try 
Any  longer :  and,  feeling  remarkably  dry 
From  sitting  all  day  stuck  up  there,  like  a  Guy, 
I  came  down  again,  and — ^you  see — here  am  1 1  " 

But  he~e's  Mr.  Hughes ! — "What  says  youn;'  "..:.  Hughes  ?- 
"  Why,  I'm  sorry  to  say  we've  not  sr'^*  ^ny  news 
Since  the  letter  they  threw  dowi  in  one  of  then*  shoes, 
"Which  gave  the  mayor's  nose  such  a  deuce  of  a  bruise, 
As  he  popp'd  up  his  eye-glass  to  look  at  their  cruise 
Over  Dover ;  and  which  the  folks  flock'd  to  peruse 
At  Squier's  bazaar,  the  same  evening,  in  crews — 
Politicians,  news-mongers,  town-council,  and  bluos, 
Turks,  Heretics,  Infidels,  Jumpers,  and  Jews, 
Scorning  Bachelor's  papers,  and  Warren's  reviews  ; 
But  the  wind  was  then  blowing  towards  Helvoetsluys, 
And  my  father  and  I  are  in  terrible  stews, 
For  80  large  a  balloon  is  d  sad  thing  to  lose  !  " — 

Here's  news  come  at  last ! — Here's  news  come  at  last ! — 

A  vessel's  come  in  which  has  sail'd  very  fast ; 

And  a  gentleman  serving  before  the  mast, — 

Mister  Nokes — has  declared,  that  "  the  party  has  past 

Safe  across  to  the  Hague,  where  their  grapnel  tliey  cast 

As  a  fat  burgomaster  was  staring  aghast 

To  see  such  a  monster  come  borne  on  the  blast, 

And  it  caught  in  his  waistband,  and  there  it  .•^tuck  fast!**— 

Oh !  fie  1  Mister  Nokes, — for  shame,  Mr.  Nokes ! 

To  be  poking  your  fun  at  us  plain-dealing  folks — 

Sir,  this  isn't  a  time  to  be  cracking  your  jokes, 

And  such  jesting  your  malice  but  scurvily  cloaks  ; 

Such  a  trumpery  tale  every  one  of  us  smokes, 

And  we  know  very  well  your  whole  story's  a  hoax  I— 

"  Oh  1  what  shall  we  do  ? — Oh !  where  will  it  end  ?— • 
Can  nobody  go  ? — Can  nobo  ly  send 


THE  "monstre"  balloon.  281 

To  Calais — or  Bergen-op-zoom — or  Ostend  ? 

Can't  you  go  there  yourself  ? —  Can't  you  write  to  a  friend, 

For  news  upon  which  we  may  safely  depend  ? " — 

Huzza !  huzza !  one  and  eight-pence  to  pay 

For  a  letter  from  Hamborough,  just  come  to  say 

They  descended  at  Weilburg,  about  break  of  day ; 

Ajid  they've  lent  them  the  palace  there,  during  their  stay, 

And  the  town  is  becoming  uncommonly  gay 

And  they're  feasting  the  party,  and  soaking  their  clay 

With  Johannisberg,  Rudesheim,  Moselle,  and  Tokay ! 

And  the  Landgraves,  and  Margraves,  and  Counts  beg  and 

pray 
That  they  won't  think,  as  yet,  about  going  away; 
Notwithstanding,  they  don't  mean  to  make  much  delay 
But  pack  up  the  balloon  in  a  wagon,  or  dray. 
And  pop  themselves  into  a  German  "po-shay" 
And  get  on  to  Paris  by  Lisle  and  Tournay  ; 
Where  they  boldly  declare,  any  wager  they'll  lay 
If  the  gas  people  there  do  not  ask  them  to  pay 
Such  a  sum  as  must  force  tliem  at  once  to  say  "Nay  ** 
They'll  inflate  the  balloon  in  the  Champs-Elysees, 
And  be  back  again  here  the  beginning  of  May, — 
Dear  me !  what  a  treat  for  a  Juvenile  fete  1 
What  thousands  will  flock  their  arrival  to  greet ! 
There'll  be  hardly  a  soul  to  be  seen  in  the  street, 
For  at  Vauxhall  the  whole  population  will  meet, 
And  you'll  scarcely  get  standing-room,  much  less  a  seat. 
For  this  all  preceding  attraction  must  beat : 
Since  they'll  unfold,  what  we  want  to  be  told. 
How  they  cough'd, — how  they  snoez'd, — how  they  sliiverM 

with  cold, — 
How  they  tippled  the  "cordial "  as  racy  and  old 
As  Hodges,  or  Deady,  or  Smith  ever  sold. 
And  how  they  all  then  felt  remarkably  bold : 
How  they  thought  the  boil'd  beef  worth  its  own  weight  in 

gold ; 
And  how  Mr.  Green  was  beginning  to  scold 


282  THE    "  MONSTRE  "    BALLOON. 

Because  Mr.  Mason  would  try  to  lay  hold 

Of  the  moon,  and  had  very  near  overboard  roll'd ! 

And  there  they'll  be  seen — they'll  be  all  to  be  seen  1 

The  great-coats,  the  coffee-pot,  mugs,  and  tureen ! 

With  the  tight-rope,  and  fire-works,  and  dancing  betv/ecu 

If  the  weather  should  only  prove  fair  and  serene, 

And  there,  on  a  beautiful  transparent  screen. 

In  the  middle  you'll  see  a  large  picture  of  Green, 

Mr.  Hollond  on  one  side,  who  hired  the  machine, 

Mr.  Mason  on  t'other,  describing  the  scene ; 

And  Fame,  on  one  leg,  in  the  air,  like  a  queen. 

With  three  wreatlis  and  a  trumpet,  will  over  them  lean ; 

VVhile  Envy,  in  serpents  and  black  bombazin. 

Looks  on  from  below  with  an  air  of  chagrin ! 

Then  they'll  play  up  a  tune  in  the  Royal  Saloon, 

And  the  people  will  <lance  by  the  light  of  the  moon, 

And  keep  up  the  ball  till  the  next  day  at  noon ; 

And  the  peer  and  the  peasant,  the  lord  and  the  loon 

The  haughty  grandee,  and  the  low  picaroon, 

The  six-foot  life-guardsman,  and  little  gossoon, 

Will  all  join  in  three  cheers  for  the  "  Monstre  "  Balloon. 


It  is  much  to  be  regretted  that  I  have  not  as  yet  been 
able  to  discover  more  than  a  single  specimen  of  my 
friend  "  Sucklethumbkin's  "  Muse.  The  event  it  alludes 
to,  probably  the  euthanasia  of  the  late  Mr.  Greenacre, 
will  scarcely  have  yet  faded  from  the  recollection  of  an 
admiring  public.  Although,  with  the  usual  diffidence  of 
a  man  of  fashion,  Augustus  has  "  sunk  "  the  fact  of  his 
own  presence  on  that  interesting  occasion,  I  have  every 
reason  to  believe,  that,  in  describing  the  party  at  the 
auherge  hereafter  mentioned,  he  might  have  said,  with  a 
brother  Exquisite,  "  Quorum  pars  magna  fui.^^ 


283 


HON.  MR.  SUCKLETHUMBKIN'S  STOKY. 


THE    EXECUTION". 


\    SPORTING    ANECDOTE. 


My  Lord  Tomnoddy  got  up  one  day ; 
It  was  half  after  two, 
He  had  nothing  to  do, 

So  his  Lordship  rang  for  his  cabriolet. 

Tiger  Tim 

Was  clean  of  limb. 
His  boots  were  polish'd,  his  jacket  was  trim  ; 
With  a  very  smart  tie  in  his  smart  cravat. 
And  a  smart  cockade  on  the  top  of  his  hat; 
Tallest  of  boys,  or  shortest  of  men. 
He  stood  in  his  stockings  just  four  foot  ten; 
And  he  ask'd,  as  he  held  the  door  on  the  swing, 
"Pray,  did  your  Lordship  please  to  ring?" 

My  Lord  Tomnoddy  he  raised  his  head, 
And  thus  to  Tiger  Tim  he  said, 
"Malibran's  dead, 
Duvernay's  fled, 
Taglioni  has  not  yet  arrived  in  hev  stead ; 
Tiger  Tim,  come  tell  me  true, 
What  may  a  Nobleman  find  to  do?" — 


284  HON.  MR.  sucklkthumbkin's  story. 

Tim  look'd  up,  and  Tim  look'd  down, 

He  paused,  and  he  put  on  a  thoughtful  frown, 

And  he  held  up  his  hat,  and  he  peep'd  in  the  crown ; 

He  bit  his  lip,  and  he  scratch'd  his  head, 

He  let  go  the  handle,  and  thus  he  said. 

As  th^  door,  released,  behind  him  bang'd  : 

"An't  please  you,  my  Lord,  there's  a  man  to  be  hangj'd.' 

My  Lord  Tomnoddy  jump'd  up  at  the  news, 

"Run  to  M'Fuze, 

And  Lieutenant  Tregooze, 
And  run  to  Sir  Carnaby  Jenks,  of  the  Blues. 

Rope-dancers  a  score 

I've  seen  before — 
Madame  Sacchi,  Antonio,  and  Master  Black-more  : 

But  to  see  a  man  swing 

At  the  end  of  a  string. 
With  his  neck  in  a  noose,  will  be  quite  a  new  thing  1" 

My  Lord  Tomnoddy  stept  into  his  cab — 
Dark  rifle  green,  with  a  lining  of  drab  ; 

Through  street,  and  through  square, 

His  high-trotting  mare, 
Like  one  of  Ducrow's,  goes  pawing  the  air, 
Adown  Piccadilly  and  Waterloo  Place 
Went  the  high-trotting  mare  at  a  very  quick  pace; 

She  produced  some  alarm, 

But  did  no  great  harm, 
Save  frightening  a  nurse  with  a  child  on  her  arm. 

Spattering  with  clay 

Two  urchins  at  play, 
Knocking  down — very  much  to  the  sweeper's  dismay- — 
An  old  woman  who  wouldn't  get  out  of  the  way. 

And  upsetting  a  stall 

Near  Exeter  Hall, 
Which  made  all  the  pious  Church-Mission  folks  squat. 

But  eastward  afar, 

Through  Temple  Bar, 
My  Lord  Tomnoddy  directs  liis  car ; 


THE    EXECUTION.  285 

Never  heeding  their  squalls, 

Or  their  calls,  or  their  bawls, 
He  passet  bj  Waithman's  Emporium  for  shawls, 
And,  merely  just  catching  a  glimpse  of  St.  Paul'?, 

Turns  down  the  Old  Bailey, 

Wliere  in  front  of  the  gaol,  he 
Tnlls  up  at  the  door  of  the  gin-shop,  and  gaily 
Cries,  "  What  must  I  fork  out  to-night,  my  trump, 
r'or  the  whole  fii-st-floor  of  the  Magpie  and  Stump?" 

****** 
The  cluck  strikes  twelve — it  is  dark  midnight — 
Yet  the  Magpie  and  Stump  is  one  blaze  of  light. 

The  parties  are  met ; 

The  tables  are  set ; 
There  is  "punch,"  "cold  witJiout,'^  "hot  with"  "lieuvy  Avet* 

Ale-glasses  and  jugs, 

And  rummers  and  mugs, 
And  sand  on  the  floor,  without  carpets  or  rugs. 

Cold  fowl  and  cigars, 

Pickled  onions  in  jars, 
Welsh  rabbits  and  kidneys — rare  work  for  the  jiws. — 
And  very  large  lobsters,  with  very  large  claws ; 

And  there  is  M'Fuze, 

And  Lieutenant  Tregooze, 
And  there  is  Sir  Carnaby  Jenks,  of  the  Blues, 

All  come  to  see  a  man  "die in  his  shoes!" 

The  clock  strikes  One  ! 

Supper  is  done. 
And  Sir  Carnaby  Jenks  is  full  of  his  fun. 
Singing  "Jolly  companions  every  one!" 

My  Lord  Tomnoddy 

Is  drinking  gin-toddy. 
And  laughing  at  ev'ry  thing,  and  ev'ry  body. — 
The  clock  strikes  Two !  and  the  clock  strikes  Threo  ^ 
— "  Who  so  merry,  so  merry  as  we  ?" 

Save  Captain  M'Fuze, 

Who  is  takinsr  a  snooze. 


286  HON.  MR.  sucklethumbkin's  story. 

While  Sir  Carnaby  Jenks  is  busy  at  work, 
Blacking  his  nose  with  a  piece  of  burnt  cork. 

The  clock  strikes  Four ! — 

Round  the  debtors'  door 
Are  gather'd  a  couple  of  thousand  or  more  ; 

As  many  await 

At  the  press  yard  ga.i, 
Till  slowly  its  folding  doors  open,  and  straight 
The  mob  divides,  and  between  their  ranks 
A  waggon  comes  loaded  with  posts  and  with  planks* 

The  clock  strikes  Five ! 

The  Sheriffs  arrive, 
And  the  crowd  is  so  great  that  the  street  seems  alive 

But  Sir  Carnaby  Jenks 

Blinks,  and  winks, 
A  candle  burns  down  in  the  socket,  and  stinks. 

Lieutenant  Tregooze 

Is  dreaming  of  Jews, 
And  acceptances  all  the  bill-lTokers  refuse  ; 

My  Lord  Tomnoddy 

Has  drunk  all  his  toddy, 
And  just  as  the  dawn  is  beginning  to  peep, 
The  whole  of  the  party  are  fast  asleep. 

Sweetly,  oh !  sweetly,  the  morning  breaks, 

With  roseate  streaks. 
Like  the  first  faint  blush  on  a  maiden's  cheeks 
Seem'd  as  that  mild  and  clear  blue  sky 
Smiled  upon  all  things  far  and  nigh, 
On  all — save  the  wretch  condemn'd  to  die 
Alack!  that  ever  so  fair  a  Sun 
As  tliat  which  its  course  has  now  begun. 
Should  rise  on  such  a  scene  of  misery!— 
Should  gild  with  rays  so  light  and  free 
That  dismal,  dark-frowning  Gallows-tree  1 

And  hark ! — a  sound  comes,  big  with  fate ; 

The  clock  from  St.  Sepulchre's  tower  strikes — Eight !— 


THE    EXECUTION.  'iS'i 

list  to  that  low  funereal  bell : 
It  is  tolling,  alas !  a  living  man's  knell  I — 
And  see ! — from  forth  that  opening  door 
They  come — He  steps  that  threshold  o'er 
Who  never  shall  tread  upon  threshold  more ' 
— God!  'tis  a  fearsome  thing  to  see 
That  pale  wan  man's  mute  agony, — 
The  glare  of  that  wild,  despairing  eye, 
Now  bent  on  the  crowd,  now  turn'd  to  the  sky, 
As  though  'twere  scanning,  in  doubt  and  in  fear. 
The  path  of  the  Spirits  unknown  career  ; 
Those  pinion'd  arms,  those  hands  that  ne'er 
Shall  be  lifted  again, — not  even  in  prayer; 
That  heaving  chest! — Enough — 'tis  done! 
The  bolt  has  fallen  ! — the  spirit  is  gone — 
For  weal  or  for  woe  is  known  but  to  One!— 
— Oh!  'twas  a  foai-sonie  sight! — Ah  me! 
A  deed  to  shudder  at, — not  to  see. 
Again  that  clock  !  'tis  time,  tis  time  ! 
The  liour  is  past ; — with  its  earliest  chime 
The  cord  is  severed,  the  lifeless  clay 
By  "  dungeon  villains"  is  borne  away  : 
xsiiie  '. — ^"twas  the  last  concluding  stroke ! 
And  then — my  Lord  Tomnoddy  awoke! 
And  Tregooze  and  Sir  Carnaby  Jenks  arose. 
And  Captain*]^rFuze,  with  the  black  on  his  nose: 
And  they  stared  at  each  other,  as  much  as  to  say 
"Hollo!  Hollo! 

Here's  a  rum  Go  ! 
Why,  Captain  ! — my  Lord  ! — Here's  the  devil  to  pay  I 
The  fellow's  been  cut  dow^n  and  taken  away ! — 

What's  to  be  done  ? 

We've  missed  all  the  fun ! — 
Why  they'll  laugh  at  and  quiz  us  all  over  the  town, 
We  are  all  of  us  done  so  uncommonly  brown !" 

What  was  to  be  done  ? — 'twas  perfectly  plain 
That  they  could  not  well  hang  the  man  over  again: 


238  HON.    MR.    SUCKLETHUMBKI.V8    STORY. 

What  was  to  be  done  ? — ^The  man  was  dead  I 
Nought  could  be  done — nought  could  be  said; 
So — my  Lord  Tomnoddy  went  home  to  bed  I 


The  following  communication  will  speak  for  itself : 

"  On  their  own  actions  modest  men  are  dumb  !•* 


«.89 


SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  A  NEW  PLAY, 

IN    A    FAMILIAR   EPISTLE   TO    MY    BROTIIER-IN-LAW,    LIEOT. 

SEAFORTU,    H.P.    LATE    OF    THE    HON.    E,LC.'8    2ND 

REGT.    OF    BOMBAY    FENCIBLES. 

"  The  play's  the  thing  V—Namlct 

Tavistock  Hotel,  Nov.  1833. 
Dear  Charles, 

— In  reply  to  your  letter,  and  Fanny's, 
Lord  Brougham,  it  appears,  isn't  dead, — though  Queen  Anne  is ; 
Twas  a  "  plot  "  and  a  "  farce  " — you  hate  farces  you  say — 
Take  another  "  plot,"  then,  viz.  the  plot  of  the  Play. 
***** 
The  Countess  of  Arundel,  high  in  degree, 
As  a  lady  possess'd  of  an  earldom  in  fee, 
Was  imprudent  enough,  at  fifteen  years  of  age, 
— A  period  of  life  when  we're  not  over  sage, — 
To  form  a  liaison — in  fact,  to  engage 
Her  hand  to  a  Hop-o'-my-thumb  of  a  Page. 
This  put  her  Papa — 
She  had  no  Mamma — 
As  may  well  be  supposed,  in  a  deuce  of  a  rage. 

Mr.  Benjamin  Franklin  was  wont  to  repeat^ 

In  his  budget  of  proverbs,  "  Stol'n  kisses  are  sweet  I '' 

But  they  have  their  alloy — 

Fate  assumed,  to  annoy 
Miss  Arundel's  peace,  and  embitter  her  joy. 
The  equivocal  shape  of  a  fine  little  Boy 

When,  through  the  "young  Stranger,"  her  secret  took  wind, 
The  Old  Loz'd  was  neither  "  to  haud  nor  to  binfl,** 
FIRST    SKllTES.  13 


290       SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  A  NEW  PLAY. 

He  bounced  up  and  down, 

And  so  fearful  a  frown 
Contracted  his  brow,  you'd  have  thought  he'd  been  blind. 

The  young  lady,  they  say. 

Having  fainted  away. 
Was  confined  to  her  room  for  the  whole  of  that  day ; 
While  her  beau — no  rare  thing  in  the  old  feudal  system — 
Disappear'd  the  next  morning,  and  nobody  miss'd  him. 

The  fact  is,  his  Lordship,  who  hadn't,  it  seems 
Form'd  the  slightest  idea,  not  ev'n  in  his  dreams, 
That  the  pair  had  been  wedded  according  to  law. 
Conceived  that  his  daughter  had  made  a  faux  pas ; 

So  he  bribed  at  a  high  rate 

A  sort  of  a  Pirate 
To  knock  out  the  poor  dear  young  gentleman's  brains, 
And  gave  him  a  handsome  douceur  for  his  pains. 
The  page  thus  disposed  of,  his  Lordship  now  turns 
His  attention  at  once  to  the  Lady's  concerns ; 

And,  alarm'd  for  the  future, 

Looks  out  for  a  suitor, 
One  not  fond  of  raking,  nor  giv'n  to  "the  pewter," 
But  adapted  to  act  both  the  husband  and  tutor — 
Finds  a  highly  respectable,  middle-aged  widower. 
Marries  her  off,  and  thanks  Heaven  that  he's  rid  of  her. 

Relieved  from  his  cares. 

The  old  Peer  now  prepares 
To  arrange  in  good  earnest  his  worldly  affairs  : 
Has  his  will  made  anew  by  a  Special  Attorney, 
Sickens, — takes  to  his  bed, — and  sets  out  on  his  journey. 

Which  way  he  travell'd 

Has  not  been  unravell'd ; 
To  speculate  much  on  the  point  were  too  curious, 
If  the  climate  he  reach'd  were  serene  or  sulphureous. 
To  be  sure  in  his  balance-sheet  all  must  declare 
One  item, — the  Page — was  an  awkward  affair; 
But  per  contra,  he'd  lately  endow'd  a  new  Chantry 
For  Priests,  with  ten  marks,  and  the  run  of  the  pantry. 


SOME    ACCOUNT    OF    A    NEW    PLAY.  2ii\ 

Be  that  as  it  may, 

It's  sufficient  to  say 
That  his  tomb  in  the  chancel  stands  there  to  this  day, 
Built  of  Bethersden  marble — a  dark  bluish  grey. 
The  figure,  a  fine  one  of  pure  alabaster, 
Some  cleanly  churchwarden  has  cover'd  with  plaster; 

While  some  Vandal  or  Jew, 
With  a  taste  for  virtu, 
Has  knock'd  off  his  toes,  to  place,  I  suppose, 
In  some  Pickwick  Museum,  with  part  of  his  nose ; 

From  his  belt  and  his  sword 

And  his  mlsericorde 
The  enamel's  been  chipp'd  out,  and  never  restored ; 
His  ci-git  in  old  French  is  inscribed  all  around, 
And  his  head  's  in  his  helm,  and  his  heel 's  on  his  hound 
The  palms  of  his  hands,  as  if  going  to  pray, 
Are  joined  and  upraised  o'er  his  bosom — But  stay  1 
T  forgot  that  his  tomb  's  not  described  in  the  Play. 

***** 
Lady  Ariindel,  now  in  her  own  right  a  Peeress, 
Perplexes  her  noddle  with  no  such  nice  queries. 
But  produces  in  time,  to  her  husband's  great  joy. 
Another  remarkably  "  fine  little  boy." 

As  novel  connections 

Oft  change  the  affections. 
And  turn  all  one's  love  into  different  directions, 
Now  to  young  "Johnny  Newcome  "  she  seems  to  confine  hors, 
Neglecting  the  poor  little  dear  out  at  dry-nurse ; 

Nay,  far  worse  than  that, 

She  considers  "  the  brat " 
As  a  bore — fears  her  husband  may  smell  out  a  rat 

For  her  legal  adviser 

She  takes  an  old  Miser, 
A  sort  of  "  poor  cousin."     She  might  have  been  wiser ; 

For  this  arrant  deceiver, 

By  name  Maurice  Beevor, 
A  shocking  old  scamp,  should  her  own  issue  faii, 
By  the  law  of  the  land  stands  the  next  in  entail ; 


\0?.  SOME    ACCOUNT    OF    A    NEW    PLA^ . 

So,  as  soon  as  she  ask'd  him  to  hit  oa  some  plan 

To  provide  for  her  eldest,  away  the  rogue  ran 

To  that  self-same  unprincipled  sea-faring  man ; 

In  his  ear  whisper'd  low  *** — "Bully  Gaussen"  said  "  Done  1  — 

I  Burked  tlie  papa,  now  I'll  Bishop  the  son !  " 

'Twas  agreed ;  and,  with  speed 

To  accomplish  the  deed, 
He  adopted  a  scheme  he  was  sure  would  succeed. 

By  long  cock-and-bull  stories 

Of  Candish  and  Noreys, 
Of  Drake,  and  bold  Raleigh,  (then  fresh  in  his  glories, 
Acquired  'mongst  the  Indians,  and  Rapparee  Tories,) 

He  so  work'd  on  the  lad, 

That  he  left,  which  was  bad, 
The  only  true  friend  in  the  world  that  he  had, 
Father  Onslow,  a  priest,  though  to  quit  him  most  lotb, 
Who  in  childhood  had  furnish'd  his  pap  and  his  broth, 
At  no  small  risk  of  scandal,  indeed,  to  his  cloth. 

The  kidnapping  crimp 

Took  the  foolish  young  imp 
On  board  of  his  cutter  so  trim  and  so  jimp. 
Then,  seizing  him  just  as  you'd  handle  a  shriunp, 
Twirl'd  him  thrice  in  the  air  with  a  whirligig  motion 
And  soused  him  at  once  neck  and  heels  in  the  ocean ; 

This  was  off  Plymouth  Sound, 

And  he  must  have  been  drown'd. 
For  'twas  nonsense  to  think  he  could  swim  to  dry  ground. 

If  "A  very  great  Warman, 

Call'd  Billy  the  Norman," 
Had  not  just  at  that  moment  sail'd  by,  outward  bound. 

A  shark  of  great  size. 

With  his  great  glassy  eyes, 
Sheer'd  off  as  he  came,  and  relinquish'd  the  prize ; 
So   he   pick'd   up   the  lad,*  swabbed  and  dry-rubb'd,  ami 

raopp'd  him, 
And,  having  no  children,  resolved  to  adopt  him. 

•   \n  incident  very  lilic  one  in  Jack  Shepard — 
A  work  some  have  lauded,  and  others  have  pepper'd — 


fSOMR    ACCOUNT    OF    A    NEW    PLAY.  293 

Full  many  a  year 

Did  he  baud,  reef,  and  steer, 
And  by  no  means  consider'd  himself  as  small  beer, 
When  old  Norman  at  length  died  and  left  him  his  frigate, 
With  lots  of  pistoles  in  his  coffer  to  rig  it 

A  sailor  ne'er  moans  ; 

So,  consigning  the  bones 
Of  his  friend  to  the  locker  of  one  Mr.  Jones, 

For  England  he  steers. — 

On  the  voyage  it  appears 
Tliat  he  rescued  a  maid  from  the  Dey  of  Algiers ; 
And  at  length  reach'd  the  Sussex  coast,  where  in  a  bay 
Not  a  great  way  from  Brighton,  most  cosey-ly  lay 
llis  vessel  at  anchor,  the  very  same  day 
That  the  Poet  begins, — thus  commencing  his  play : 


Giles  Gaussen  accosts  old  Sir  Maurice  de  Beevor, 

And  puts  the  poor  Knight  in  a  deuce  of  a  fever, 

By  saying  the  boy,  whom  he  took  out  to  please  him, 

Is  come  back  a  Captain  on  purpose  to  tease  him. — 

Sir  Maurice,  who  gladly  would  see  Mr.  Gaussen 

Breaking  stones  on  the  highway,  or  sweeping  a  crossing 

Dissembles — observes,  It's  of  no  use  to  fret, — 

And  hints  he  may  find  sopae  more  work  for  him  yet ; 

Then  calls  at  the  castle,  and  tells  Lady  A. 

That  the  boy  they  had  ten  years  ago  sent  away 

Is  return'd  a  grown  man,  and,  to  come  to  the  point, 

Will  put  her  son  Percy's  nose  clean  out  of  joint; 

But  adds,  that  hei'self  she  no  longer  need  vex, 

If  she'll  buy  him  (Sir  Maurice)  a  farm  near  the  Ex. 

Where  a  Dutch  pirate  kidnaps,  and  losses  Thames  DarreU 
Just  so  in  the  sea,  and  he's  saved  by  a  barrel, — 
On  the  coast,  if  I  recollect  rightly,  it's  flung  whole, 
And  the  hero,  half-drown'd,  scrambles  out  of  the  bung-hole. 
[It  aint  no  sich  thing!— the  hero  aint  bung'd  in  no  barrel  at  all.— Ue'i 
picked  up  by  a  Captain,  just  as  Norman  was  arterwards.—FiiiNT.  Dkv.] 


C94  SOME    ACCOUNT    OF    A    NEW    PLAY. 

"Oil!  take  it,"  she  cries ;  "but  secure  every  document." 
"A   bargain,"    says   Maurice, — "including   the   stock    you 
meant?"— 

The  Captain,  meanwhile, 

With  a  lover-like  smile, 
And  a  fine  cambric  handkerchief,  wipes  off  the  tears 
From  Miss  Violet's  eyelash,  and  hushes  her  fears. 
(Tliat's  the  Lady  he  saved  from  the  Dey  of  Algiers.) 
Now  arises  a  delicate  point,  and  this  is  it — 
The  young  lady  herself  is  but  down  on  a  visit 

She's  perplex'd  ;  and,  in  fact, 

Does  not  know  how  to  act. 
It's  her  very  first  visit — and  then  to  begin 
By  asking  a  stranger — a  gentleman,  in —  ■*" 

One  with  moustaches  too — and  a  tuft  on  his  chin — 

She  "  really  don't  know — 

He  had  much  better  go," — 
Here  the  Countess  steps  in  from  behind,  and  says  "  No  I— 
Fair  sir,  you  are  welcome.     Do,  pray,  stop  and  dine — 
You  will  take  our  pot-luck — and  we've  decentish  wine." 
lie  bows,  looks  at  Miss, — and  he  does  not  decline. 


After  dinner  the  Captain  recounts,  with  much  glee, 
All  he's  heard,  seen,  and  done  since  he  first  went  to  sea, 

All  his  perils  and  scrapes, 

And  his  hair-breadth  escapes. 
Talks  of  boa-constrictors,  and  lions,  and  apes. 
And  fierce  "Bengal  Tigers,"  like  that  which,  you  know. 
If  you've  ever  seen  any  respectable  "Show," 
"  Carried  off  the  unfortunate  Mr.  Munro." 
Then,  diverging  a  while,  he  adverts  to  the  mystery 
Wliich  hangs,  like  a  cloud,  o'er  his  own  private  histoi-y- 
IIow  he  ran  off  to  sea — how  they  set  him  afloat, 
(Not  a  word,  though,  of  barrel  or  bung-hole — Bee  Note) 

— How  he  happen'd  to  meet 

With  the  Algerine  fleet, 


SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  A  NEW  PLAY.        295 

And  forced  them,  by  sheer  dint  of  arms,  to  retreat, 

Thus  saving  his  Violet — (One  of  his  feet 

Here  just  touch'd  her  toe,  and  she  moved  on  her  seat,) — 

How  his  vessel  was  batter'd — 

In  short,  he  so  chatter'd. 
Now  lively,  now  serious,  so  ogled  and  flatter'd. 
That  the  ladies  much  marvell'd  a  person  should  be  able 
To  "  make  himself^"  both  said,  "  so  very  agreeable." 


Captain  ITorman's  adventures  were  scarcely  half  done 
When  Percy,  Lord  Ashdale,  her  ladyship's  son, 

In  a  terrible  fume, 

Bounces  into  the  room. 
And  talks  to  his  guest  as  you  talk'd  to  your  groom. 
Claps  his  hands  on  his  rapier,  and  swears  he'll  be  through 

him — 
The  CaDtain  does  nothing  at  all  but  "  pooh !  pooh  I  "  him. — 

Unable  to  smother 

His  hate  of  his  brother, 
He  rails  at  his  cousin,  and  blows  up  his  mother. — 
'Fie!  fie  1  "  says  the  first. — Says  the  latter,  "  In  sooth, 
This  is  sharper  by  far  than  a  keen  serpent's  tooth  1  " 
(A  remark,  by  the  way,  which  King  Lear  had  made  ye^ra 

ago. 
When  he   ask'd   for  his  Knights,  and   his   Daughter  said, 
"  Here's  a  go !  ") — 

This  made  Ashdale  ashamed ; 

But  he  must  not  be  blamed 
Too  much  for  his  warmth,  for,  like  many  young  fellows,  he 
Was  apt  to  lose  temper  when  tortur'd  by  jealousy. 

Still  speaking  quite  gruff. 

He  goes  off  in  a  huff; 
Lady  A.,  who  is  now  what  some  call  "  up  to  snufl^'* 

Straight  determines  to  patch 

Up  a  clandestine  match 
Between  the  Sea-Captain  she  dreads  like  Old  Scratch, 
And  Miss, — whom  she  does  not  think  any  great  catch 


29C  SOME    ACCOUNT    OF    A    NEW    PLAY. 

For  Ashdale ; — ^besides,  he  won't  kick  up  sucli  shindies 
"Were  she  once  fairly  married  and  off  to  the  Indies. 


Miss  Violet  takes  from  the  Countess  her  tone  ; 
She  agrees  to  meet  Norman  "  by  moonlight  alone," 
And  slip  off  to  his  bark, 
"  The  night  being  dark," 
Tliongh  "  the  moon,"  the  Sea-Captain  says,  rises  in  Heaven 
'  One  hour  before  midnight,"  i.  e.  at  eleven. 
From  which  speech  I  infer, 
— ^Though  perhaps  I  may  err — 
Tliat,  though  weatherwise,  doubtless,  midst  surges  and  siir( 

he 
When  "capering  on  shore"  was  by  no  means  a  Murj)hy 

He  starts  off,  however,  at  sunset,  to  reach 

An  old  chapel  in  ruins,  that  stands  on  the  beach. 

Where  the  Priest  is  to  bring,  as  he's  promised  by  letter,  a 

Paper  to  prove  his  name,  "birthright,"  &c 

Being  rather  too  late, 

Gaussen,  lying  in  wait. 
Gives  poor  Father  Onslow  a  knock  on  the  pate. 
But  bolts,  seeing  Norman,  before  he  had  wrested 
From  the  hand  of  the  Priest,  as  Sir  Maurice  requested. 
The  marriage  certificate  duly  attested. — 
Norman  kneels  by  the  clergyman  fainting  and  gory. 
And  begs  he  won't  die  till  he's  told  him  his  story. 

The  Father  complies, 

lie-opens  his  eyes, 
And  tells  him  all  how  and  about  it — and  dies  1 

ACT   IV. 

Norman,  now  call'd  Le  Mesnil,  instructed  of  all. 
Goes  back,  though  it's  getting  quite  late  for  a  call, 
Hangs  his  hat  and  his  cloak  on  a  peg  in  the  hall. 
And  tells  the  proud  Countess  it's  useless  to  smother 
The  fact  any  longer — ^he  knows  she's  his  Mother  I 


SOME    ACCOUNT    OF    A    NEW    PLAY.  29^ 

His  Pa's  wedded  Spouse, — 

She  questions  his  vjvi, 
And  threatens  to  have  him  turn'd  out  of  tlio  }iouso.— 

He  still  perseveres, 

Till  in  spite  of  her  fears, 
She  admits  he's  the  son  she  had  east  off  for  years, 
And  he  gives  her  the  papers  all  "blister'd  with  tears," 
When  Ashdale,  who  chances  his  nose  in  to  poke 

Takes  his  hat  and  his  cloak, 

Just  as  if  in  a  joke, 
Determined  to  pxit  in  his  wheel  a  new  spoke, 
And  slips  off  thus  disguised,  when  he  sees  by  the  dial  it 
's  time  for  the  rendesvous  fixed  with  Miss  Violet. — 
— Captain  Norman,  who,  after  all,  feels  rather  sore 
At  his  mother's  reserve,  vows  to  see  her  no  more, 
Rings  the  bell  for  the  servant  to  open  the  door, 
Antl  leaves  his  Mamma  in  a  fit  on  the  floor. 


ACT   V. 

Now  comes  the  catastrophe! — Ashdale,  who's  wrapt  in 
The  cloak,  with  the  hat  and  the  plume  of  the  Captain, 
Leads  Violet  down  through  the  grounds  to  the  chapel 
Where  Gaussen's  conceal'd — he  springs  forward  to  graj'plo 
The  man  he's  erroneously  led  to  suppose 
Captain  Norman  himself,  by  the  cut  of  his  clothes. 

In  the  midst  of  their  strife 

And  just  as  the  knife 
Of  the  Pirate  is  raised  to  deprive  him  of  life, 
Tlie  Captain  comes  forward,  drawn  there  by  the  squeals 
Of  the  Lady,  and,  knocking  Giles  head  over  heels, 

Fractures  his  "  nob," 

Saves  the  hangman  a  job. 
And  executes  justice  most  strictly,  the  rather, 
Twas  the  spot  where  that  rascal  had  murder'd  his  father. 

Then  in  comes  the  mother. 

Who  finding  one  brother 
Had  the  instant  before  saved  the  life  of  the  other 
13* 


208  SOME    ACCOUNT    OF    A    NEW    PLAY. 

Ex])lains  the  whole  case. 

Ashdale  puts  a  good  face 
On  the  matter  ;  and,  since  he's  obliged  to  give  place, 
Yields  his  coronet  np  with  a  pretty  good  grace ; 
Norman  vows  he  won't  have  it — the  kinsmen  embrace, — 
And  the  Captain,  the  first  in  this  generous  race, 

To  remove  every  handle 

For  gossip  and  scandal, 
Sets  the  whole  of  the  papers  alight  with  the  candle ; 
An  arrangement  takes  place — on  the  very  same  night,  all 
Is  settled  and  done,  and  the  points  the  most  vital 
Are,  N.  takes  the  personals; — A.,  in  requital. 
Keeps  the  whole  real  property,  Mansion,  and  Title. — 
V.  falls  to  the  share  of  the  Captain,  and  tries  a 
Sea-voyage,  as  a  Bride,  in  the  "  Royal  Eliza." 
Both  are  pleased  with  the  part  they  acquire  as  joint  hoirs, 
And  old  Maurice  Beevor  is  bundled  down  stairs ! 


The  public,  perhaps,  with  the  drama  might  quarrel 
If  deprived  of  all  epilogue,  prologue,  and  moral ; 
Tliis  may  serve  for  all  three  then : — 

"  Young  Ladies  of  projx  ny. 
Let  Lady  A.'s  history  serve  as  a  stopper  t'ye  ; 
Don't  wed  with  low  people  beneath  your  degree. 
And  if  you've  a  baby,  don't  send  it  to  sea! 

"  Young  Noblemen  I  shun  every  thing  like  a  brawl ; 
And  be  sure  when  yoii  dine  out,  or  go  to  a  ball. 
Don't  take  the  best  hat  that  you  find  in  the  hall, 
And  leave  one  in  its  stead  that's  worth  nothing  at  all ! 

"Old  Knights,  don't  give  bribes! — above  all,  never  urge  a  man 
To  steal  people's  things,  or  to  stick  an  old  Clergyman' 

"  And  you,  ye  Sea-Captains!  who've  nothing  to  do 


SOME    ACCOUNT    OF   A    NEW    PLAY.  299 

But  to  run  round  the  world,  fight,  and  drink  till  all's  blue, 

And  tell  us  tough  yarns,  and  then  swear  they  are  true, 

Reflect,  notwithstanding  your  sea-faring  life, 

That  you  can't  get  on  well  long,  without  you've  a  wife ; 

So  get  one  at  once,  treat  her  kindly  and  gently, 

Write  a  Nautical  novel, — ami  send  it  to  Bentley  1  * 


300 


It  luis  been  already  hinted  that  Mr.  Peters  had  been  a 
'*  traveller  "  in  his  day.  The  only  story  which  his  lady 
would  ever  allow  "  her  P."  to  finish — he  began  as  many 
as  would  furnish  an  additional  volume  to  the  "  Thou- 
sand and  One  Nights  " — is  the  last  I  sliall  ofler.  The 
subject,  I  fear  me,  is  not  over  new,  but  will  remind  my 
friends 

"  Of  Boraething  better  they  have  seen  before." 


301 


MR.  PETERS'S  STORY. 


THE    BAGMAN  S    DOG. 
Stant  littoie  Puppies ! — Virgil. 

It  was  a  litter,  a  litter  of  five, 

Four  are  drowned  and  one  left  alive, 

lie  was  thought  worthy  alone  to  survive  ; 

And  the  Bagman  resolved  upon  bringing  him  np^ 

To  eat  of  his  bread,  and  to  drink  of  his  cup, 

lie  was  such  a  dear  little  cock-tail'd  pup  1 

The  Bagman  taught  him  many  a  trick ; 

He  would  carry,  and  fetch,  and  run  after  a  stick, 

Could  well  understand 

The  word  of  command. 

And  appear  to  doze 

With  a  crust  on  his  nose 
Till  the  Bagman  permissively  waved  his  hand : 
Then  to  throw  up  and  catch  it  he  never  would  fail. 
As  he  sat  up  on  end,  on  his  little  cock-tail. 
Never  was  puppy  so  hien  instruit, 
Oi-  possess'd  of  such  natural  talent  as  he  ; 

And  as  he  grew  older. 

Every  beholder 
Agreed  he  grew  handsomer,  sleeker,  and  bolder.— 

Time,  however  his  wheels  we  may  clog, 

"Wends  steadily  still  with  onward  jog. 

And  tlie  coekVl-tailM  pnppy's  a  cui-ly-tailM  dog 


302  MR.    PFTFIils's    STORV. 

When,  just  at  the  time 

lie  was  reaching  his  prime, 
And  all  thought  he'd  be  turning  out  something  sublime, 

One  unlucky  day, 

How,  no  one  could  say. 
Whether  some  »oft  liaison  induced  him  to  Ptray, 
Or  some  kidnapping  vagabond  coax'd  lil/u  away, 

He  was  lost  to  the  view. 

Like  the  morning  dew ; — 
He  had  been,  and  was  not — that's  all  that  they  knew  t 
And  the  Bagman  storm'd,  and  the  Bagman  swore 
As  never  a  Bagman  had  sworn  before; 
But  storming  or  swearing  but  little  avails 
To  recover  lost  dogs  with  great  curly  tails. — 

In  a  large  paved  court,  close  by  Billiter  Square. 
Stands  a  mansion,  old,  but  in  thorough  repair. 
The  only  thing  strange,  from  the  general  air 
Of  its  size  and  appearance,  is  how  it  got  there  ; 
In  front  is  a  short  semicircular  stair 

Of  stone  steps, — some  half  score, — 

Then  you  reach  the  ground  floor. 
With  a  shell-pattern'd  architrave  over  the  door. 
It  is  spacious,  and  seems  to  be  built  on  the  plan 
Of  a  Gentleman's  house  in  the  reign  of  Queen  Anne; 

Which  is  odd,  for,  although, 

As  we  very  well  know, 
Under  Tudors  and  Stuarts  the  City  could  show 
Many  Noblemen's  seats  above  Bridge  and  below, 
Yet  that  fashion  soon  after  induced  them  to  go 
From  St.  Michael  Cornhill,  and  St.  Mary-le-Bow, 
To  St.  James,  and  St.  George,  and  St.  Anne  in  Soho.  — 
Be  this  as  it  may, — at  the  date  I  assign 
To  my  tale, — that's  about  Seventeen  Sixty  Nino, — 
TTiis  mansion,  now  rather  upon  the  decline, 
Had  less  dignified  owners, — belonging  in  fine. 
To  Turner,  Dry,  Weipersyde,  Rogers,  and  Pyn«? — 
A  respeotiible  Honso  in  1h<^  Miinclu'stor  linf. 


THE  bagman's  dog.  303 

There  were  a  score 

Of  Bagmen,  and  more, 
Who  had  travell'd  full  oft  for  the  firm  before ; 
But  just  at  this  period  they  wanted  to  send 
Some  person  on  whom  tliey  could  safely  depend — 
A  trustworthy  body,  half  agent,  half  friend — 
On  some  mercantile  matter  as  far  as  Ostend  ; 
And  the  person  they  pitch'd  on  vras  Anthony  Blogg, 
A  grave,  steady  man,  not  addicted  to  grog, — 
TJie  Bagman,  in  short,  who  had  lost  this  great  dog. 
*  *  *  *  * 

"The  Sea!  the  Sea!  the  open  Sea!— 
That  is  the  place  where  we  all  wish  to  be, 
Rolling  about  on  it  merrily !  " — 

So  all  sing  and  say 

By  night  and  by  day, 
In  the  boudoir,  the  street,  at  the  concert,  and  play, 
In  a  sort  of  coxcombical  roundelay ; — 
You  may  roam  through  the  City,  transversely  or  straight, 
From  Whitechapel  turnpike  to  Cuuiberland  gate. 
And  every  young  Lady  who  thrums  a  guitai', 
Ev'ry  mustachio'd  Shopman  who  smokes  a  cigar, 

With  affected  devotion, 

Promulgates  his  notion, 
Of  being  a  "  Rover  "  and  "  child  of  the  Ocean  " — 
Whate'er  their  age,  sex,  or  condition  may  be. 
They  all  of  them  long  for  the  "  Wide,  Wide  Sea  1  " 

But  however  they  dote, 

Only  set  them  afloat 
I  n  any  craft  bigger  at  all  than  a  boat. 

Take  them  down  to  the  I^ore, 

And  you'll  see  that,  before 
Tlie  "  Wessel  "  they  "  Woyage  "  in  has  made  half  her  way 
Between  Shell-Ness  Point  and  the  pier  at  Heme  Bay, 
Let  the  wind  meet  the  tide  in  the  slightest  degree, 
They'll  be  all  of  them  heartily  sick  of  "  the  Sea !  ** 


304  MR.    PETETIS'S    STv)RV. 

I've  stood  in  Margate,  on  a  bridge  of  size 
Inferior  far  to  that  described  by  Byron, 

Where  "palaces  and  pris'ns  on  each  hand  rise, — " 
— That  too's  a  stone  one,  tliis  is  made  of  iron — 
And  little  donkey-boys  your  steps  environ, 

Each  proffering  for  your  choice  his  tiny  hack, 

Vaunting  its  excellence ;  and,  should  you  hire  one, 

For  sixpence,  will  he  urge,  with  frequent  thwack. 

The  much-enduring  beast  to  Buenos  Avres — and  back 


And  there,  on  many  a  raw  and  gusty  day, 

I've  stood,  and  turn'd  my  gaze  upon  the  pier, 
And  seen  the  crews,  that  did  embark  so  gay 
That  self  same  morn,  now  disembark  so  queer , 
The/i  to  myself  I've  sigh'd  and  said,  "  Oh  dear ! 
Who  Avould  believe  yon  sickly-looking  man's  a 

London  Jack  Tar,— a  Cheapside  Buccaneer ! — " 
But  hold,  my  Muse  ! — for  this  terrific  stanza 
Is  all  too  stilily  grand  for  our  Extravaganza. 

***** 
''  So  now  we'll  go  up,  up,  up. 

And  now  we'll  go  down,  down,  down, 
And  now  we'll  go  backwards  and  forwards. 
And  now  we'll  go  roun',  roun',  roun'." — 
— I  hope  you've  sufficient  discernment  to  see, 
Gentle  Reader,  that  here  the  discarding  the  d 
Is  a  fault  which  you  must  not  attribute  to  me; 
Thus  my  Nurse  cut  it  off,  when,  "  with  counterfeit  gloe," 
She  sung,  as  she  danced  me  about  on  her  knee. 
In  the  year  of  ou^*  Lord  eighteen  hundred  and  three : — 
All  I  mean  to  say  is,  that  the  Muse  is  now  free 
From  the  self-imposed  trammels  put  on  by  her  betters, 
And  no  longer  like  Filch,  midst  the  felons  and  dfbtoi-a 
At  Prury  Lane,  dances  her  hornj>i2ie  in  fettoi's. 
Resuming  her  track, 
At  once  she  goes  back 
To  our  hero,  the  Bagman— Alas!  and  Alack  I 


THE  bagman's  Doa..  305 

Poor  Autliony  Blogg 

Is  as  sick  as  a  dog, 
Spite  of  sundry  unwonted  potations  of  grog, 
By  the  time  the  Dutch  packet  is  fairly  at  sea. 
With  the  sands  called  the  Goodwin's  a  league  on  her  lee. 

And  now,  my  good  friends,  I've  a  fine  opportunity 
To  obfuscate  you  all  by  sea  terms  with  impunity, 

And  talking  of  "  caulking," 

And  "  quarter-deck  walking," 

"Fore  and  aft," 

And  "abaft," 
"Hookers,"  " bark eys,"  and  "craft," 
(At  which  Mr.  Poole  has  so  wickedly  laiight,) 
Of  binnacles, — bilboes, — the  boom  call'd  the  fpankor,— 
The  best  bower  cable, — the  jib, — and  sheet  anchor ; 
Of  lower-deck  guns, — and  of  broadsides  and  chases. 
Of  taffrails  and  topsails,  and  splicing  main-braces, 
And  "  Shiver  my  timbers  !  "  and  other  odd  phrases 
Employ'd  by  old  pilots  with  hard-featured  faces ; — 
Of  the  expletives  seafaring  Gentlemen  xise. 
The  allusions  they  make  to  the  eyes  of  their  crews ; 

How  the  Sailors,  too,  swear. 

How  they  cherish  their  hair. 
And  what  very  long  pigtails  a  great  many  wear. — 
But,  Reader,  I  scorn  it — the  fact  is,  1  fear. 
To  be  candid,  I  can't  make  these  matters  so  clear 
^s  Marryat,  or  Cooper,  or  Captain  Chamier, 
Or  Sir  E.  Lytton  Bulwer,  who  brought  up  the  rear 
Of  the  "Nauticals,"  just  at  the  end  of  the  year 
Eighteen  thirty-nine — (how  Time  flies ! — Oh,  dear  1) — 
With  a  well  written  preface  to  make  it  appear 
That  his  play,  the  "  Sea-Captain,"  's  by  no  means  small  beer 
There  ! — "brought  up  the  rear" — ^you  see  there's  a  mistake 
Which  none  of  the  authors  I've  mentioned  would  make, 
I  ought  to  have  said,  that  he  "  sail'd  in  their  wake." — 
So  I'll  merely  observe,  as  the  water  grew  rougher 
The  more  my  poor  hero  continued  to  suffer, 
Till  the  Sailors  themselves  cried,  in  pity,   "Poor  Buffer  I*" 


306  MR.    PETERS'S    STOKT. 

Still  rougher  it  grew, 

And  still  liarder  it  blew, 
And  the  thunder  kiek'd  up  such  a  halliballoo, 
That  even  the  Skipper  began  to  look  blue ; 

While  the  crew,  who  were  few, 

Look'd  very  queer,  too, 
And  seem'd  not  to  know  what  exactly  to  do, 
And  they  who'd  the  charge  of  them  wrote  in  the  logs, 
"  Wind  N.  R — ^blows  a  hurricane — rains  cats  and  dogs." 
In  short  it  soon  grew  to  a  tempest  as  rude  as 
That  Shakspeare  describes  near  the  "  still  vext  Bermudas,"  *' 

When  the  winds,  in  their  sport. 

Drove  aside  from  its  port 
The  King's  ship,  with  the  whole  Neapolitan  Court, 
And  swamp'd  it  to  give  "the  King's  Son,  Ferdinand,"  a 
Soft  moment  or  two  with  the  Lady  Miranda, 
While  her  Pa  met  the  rest,  and  severely  rebuked  'em 
For  unhandsomely  doing  him  out  of  his  Dukedom. 
You  don't  want  me,  however,  to  paint  you  a  Storm, 
As  so  many  have  done,  and  in  colours  so  warm ; 
Lord  Byron,  for  instance,  in  manner  facetious, 
Mr.  Ainsworth  more  gravely, — see  also  Lucretius, 
— A  writer  who  gave  me  no  trifling  vexation 
When  a  youngster  at  school  on  Dean  Colet's  foundation. — • 

Suffice  it  to  say 

That  the  whole  of  that  day. 
And  the  next,  and  the  next,  they  were  scudding  away 

Quite  out  of  their  course, 

Propell'd  by  the  force 
Of  those  flatulent  folks  known  in  Classical  story  as 
Aquilo,  Libs,  Notus,  Auster,  and  Boreas, 

Driven  quite  at  their  mercy 

'Twixt  Guernsey  and  Jersey, 
Till   at  length   they   came   bump   on   the   rocks    and    the 

shallows 
In  West  longitude,  One,  fifty-seven,  near  St  Maloes ; 

♦  See  Appendix. 


THE  bagman's  dog.  307 

There  you  will  not  be  surprised 

That  the  vessel  capsized. 
Or  that  Blogg,  who  had  made,  from  intestine  commotions, 
His  specifical  gravity  less  than  the  Ocean's, 

Should  go  floating  away. 

Midst  the  surges  and  spray. 
Like  a  cork  in  a  gutter,  which,  swoln  by  a  shower, 
Runs  down  Holborn-hill  about  nine  knots  an  hour. 

You've  seen,  I've  no  doubt,  at  Bartholomew  fair, 
Centle  Header, — that  is,  if  you've  ever  been  there, — 
With  their  hands  tied  behind  them,  some  two  or  three  pair 
Of  boys  round  a  bucket  set  up  on  a  chair, 

Skipping,  and  dipping 

Eyes,  nose,  chin,  and  lip  in, 
Their  faces  and  hair  with  the  water  all  dripping. 
In  an  anxious  attempt  to  catch  hold  of  a  pippin, 
That  bobs  up  and  down  in  the  water  whenever 
They  touch  it,  as  mocking  the  fruitless  endeavour ; 
Exactly  as  Poets  say, — how,  though,  they  can't  tell  us, — 
Old  Nick's  Nonpareils  play  at  bob  with  poor  Tantalus. 

— Stay ! — I'm  not  clear. 

But  I'm  rather  out  here  ; 
Twas  the  water  itself  that  slipp'd  from  him,  I  fear ; 
Faith,  I  can't  recollect — and  I  haven't  Lempriere. — 
No  matter, — poor  Blogg  went  on  ducking  and  bobbing, 
Sneezing  out  the  salt-water,  and  gulping  and  sobbing 
Just  as  Clarence,  in  Shakspeare,  describes  all  the  qualms  he 
Experienced  while  dreaming  they'd  drown'd  him  in  Malmsey 

'*  0  Lord,"  he  thought,  "  what  pain  it  was  to  drown  !  " 
And  saw  great  fishes  with  great  goggling  eyes. 

Glaring  as  he  was  bobbing  up  and  down, 

And  looking  as  they  thought  him  quite  a  prize ; 

When,  as  he  sank,  and  all  was  growing  dark, 

A  something  seized  him  with  its  jaws ! — A  shark  ? — 

No  such  thing,  Reader  : — most  opportunely  for  Blogg, 
Tv  as  a  very  large,  web-footed,  curly-tail'd  Dog 

***** 


308  MR.    PETERS'S    STORY. 

I'm  not  much  of  a  traveller,  and  really  can't  boast 
That  I  know  a  great  deal  of  the  Brittany  coast, 

But  I've  often  heard  say 

That  e'en  to  this  day. 
The  people  of  Granville,  St.  Maloes,  and  thereabout 
Are  a  class  that  society  doesn't  much  care  about ; 
Men  who  gain  their  subsistence  by  contraband  dealing, 
And  a  mode  of  abstraction  strict  people  call  "  stealing  ;** 
Notwithstanding  all  which,  they  are  civil  of  speech, 
Above  all  to  a  stranger  who  comes  within  reach  ; 

And  they  were  so  to  Blogg, 

When  the  curly-tail'd  Dog 
At  last  dragg'd  him  out,  high  and  dry  on  the  beach. 

But  we  all  have  been  tobl. 

By  the  proverb  of  old. 
By  no  means  to  think  "  all  that  glitters  is  gold  ;" 

And,  in  fact,  some  advance 

Tliat  most  people  in  France 
Join  the  manners  and  air  of  a  Maitre  de  Danse, 
To  the  morals — (as  Johnson  of  Chesterfield  said)— 
Of  an  elderly  Lady,  in  Babylon  bred, 
Much  addicted  to  flirting,  and  dressing  in  red. — 

Be  this  as  it  might 

It  embarrassed  Blogg  quite 
To  find  those  about  him  so  very  polite. 

A  suspicious  observer  perhaps  might  have  traced 
The  petites  soins,  tender'd  with  so  much  good  taste. 
To  the  sight  of  an  old-fashioned  pocket-book,  placed 
In  a  black  leather  belt  well  secured  round  his  waist, 
And  a  ring  set  with  diamonds,  his  finger  that  graced, 
So  brilliant,  no  one  could  have  guess'd  they  were  paste 

The  group  on  the  shore 

Consisted  of  four ; 
You  will  wonder,  perhaps,  there  were  not  a  few  more ; 
But  the  fact  is  they've  not,  in  that  pai't  of  the  nation. 
What  Malthus  would  term,  a  "  too  dense  population." 
Indeed  the  sole  sisrn  there  of  man's  habitation 


'J  HE  bagman's  dog.  309 

W{i3  merely  a  single 
Rude  hut,  in  a  dingle 
That  led  away  inland  direct  from  the  shingle, 
Its  sides  clothed  with  underwood,  gloomy  and  dark, 
Some  two  hundred  yards  above  high-water  mark ; 
And  thither  the  party, 
So  cordial  and  hearty, 
Viz.  an  old  man,  his  wife,  and  two  lads  made  a  start,  he 
The  Bagman  proceeding. 
With  equal  good  breeding, 
To  express,  in  indifferent  French,  all  he  feels, 
The  great  curly-tail'd  Dog  keeping  close  to  his  heels, — 
They  soon  reach'd  the  hut,  which  seem'd  partly  in  ruin, 
All  the  way  bowing,  chattering,  shrugging,  Moii-Bieu-ing, 
Grimacing,  and  what  sailors  call  parley-vooing, 
***** 
Is  it  Paris,  or  Kitchener,  Reader,  exhorts 
You,  whenever  your  stomach's  at  all  out  of  sorts, 
To  try,  if  you  tind  richer  viands  won't  stop  in  it, 
A  basin  of  good  mutton  broth  with  a  chop  in  it? 
(Such  a  basin  and  chop  as  I  once  heard  a  witty  one 
Call,  at  the  Garrick,  "a  c— d  Committee  one," 
An  expression,  I  own,  I  do  not- think  a  pretty  one,) 
However,  it's  clear 
That,  with  sound  table  beer. 
Such  a  mess  as  I  speak  off  is  very  good  cheer ; 
Especially  too 

When  a  pei-son's  wet  tlr-ough. 
And  is  hungry,  and  tired,  and  <ion't  know  what  to  do. 
Now  just  such  a  mess  of  delicious  hot  pottage 
Was  smoking  away  when  they  enter'd  the  cottage. 
And  casting  a  truly  delicious  perfume 
Through  the  whole  of  an  ugly,  old,  ill-furnish'd  room  ; 
"  Hot,  smoking  hot," 
On  the  fire  was  a  pot 
Well  replenish'd,  but  really  I  can't  say  with  what ; 
For,  famed  as  the  French  always  are  for  ragouts, 
No  creature  can  tell  what  they  put  in  their  stews. 
Whether  bull-frogs,  old  gloves,  or  old  wigs,  or  old  sl.oeb; 


310  MU.    PETERS'S    STOR'.'. 

Notwithstanding,  when  ofFer'd  I  rarely  refuse, 
Any  more  than  poor  Blogg  did,  when,  seeing  the  reeky 
Repast  placed  before  him,  scarce  able  to  speak,  he 
In  ecstasy  mutter'd  "By  Jove,  Cocky-leeky  I  " 

In  an  instant,  as  soon 

As  they  gave  him  a  spoon, 
Every  feeling  and  faculty  bent  on  the  gruel,  he 
No  more  blamed  Fortune  for  treating  him  cruelly. 
But  fell  tooth  and  nail  on  the  soup  and  the  bouilli. 

^fr  *  *  *  * 

Meanwhile  that  old  man  standing  by, 
Subducted  his  long  coat-tails  on  high, 
Witli  his  back  to  the  fire,  as  if  to  dry 
A  part  of  his  dress  which  the  watery  sky 
Had  visited  rather  inelemently. — 
Blandly  he  smil'd,  but  still  he  look'd  sly, 
And  a  something  sinister  lurk'd  in  his  eye. 
Indeed,  had  you  seen  him  his  maritime  dress  in, 
Yon'd  have  own'd  his  appearance  was  not  prepossessing ; 
He'd  a  "dreadnought"  coat,  and  heavy  sabots 
With  thick  wooden  soles  turn'd  up  at  the  toes, 
His  nether  man  cased  in  a  striped  quelque  chose. 
And  a  hump  on  his  back,  and  a  great  hook'd  nose, 
So  that  nine  out  of  ten  would  be  led  to  suppose 
That  the  person  before  them  was  Punch  in  plain  clothea 

Yet  still,  as  I  told  you,  he  smiled  on  all  present. 
And  did  all  that  lay  in  his  power  to  look  pleasant. 

The  old  woman,  too, 

Made  a  mighty  ado, 
Helping  her  guest  to  a  deal  of  the  stew; 
She  fish'd  up  the  meat,  and  she  help'd  him  to  that. 
She  help'd  him  to  lean,  and  she  help'd  him  to  fat, 
And  it  look'd  like  Hare — but  it  might  have  been  Cat. 

The  little  gar  cons,  too,  strove  to  express 

Their  sympathy  towards  the  "  Child  of  distress  " 

With  a  great  deal  of  juvenile  French  politcnse  ; 


THE  bagman's  dog.  ;i I  1 

But  the  Bagman  bluff 

Continued  to  "stuff" 
Of  the  fat,  and  the  lean,  and  the  tender  and  tougli. 
Till  they  thought  he  would  never  cry  "Hold,  enough!" 
And  the  old  woman's  tones  became  far  less  agreeable, 
Sounding  like  peste  !  and  sacre  !  and  diable  ! 

I  've  seen  an  old  saw,  which  is  well  worth  repeating, 
That  says, 

"  (Kooif  Batjitst 

You'll  find  it  so  printed  by  Caitoit,  or  SE^nk^it* 
And  a  very  good  proverb  it  is  to  my  thinking. 

Blogg  thought  so  too ; — 

As  he  finish'd  his  stew. 
His  ear  caught  the  sound  of  the  word  "  Morhleu  ! " 
Pronounced  by  the  old  woman  under  her  breath. 
Ifow,  not  knowing  what  she  could  mean  by  ",  Blue  Death  !" 
He  eonceiv'd  she  referr'd  to  a  delicate  brewing 
Which  is  almost  synonymous, — namely,  "  Blue  Ruin." 
So  he  pursed  up  his  lip  to  a  smile,  and  with  glee. 
In  his  cocknefy'd  accent,  responded  "Oh,   Vee  !" 

Which  made  her  understand  he 

Was  asking  for  brandy ; 
So  she  turn'd  to  the  cupboard,  and,  having  some  handy, 
Produced,  rightly  deeming  he  would  .not  object  to  it, 
An  orbicular  bulb  with  a  very  long  neck  to  it; 
In  fact  you  perceive  her  mistake  was  the  same  as  his, 
Each  of  them  "  reasoning  right  from  wrong  premises ; " — 

— And  here  by  the  way, 

Allow  me  to  say. 
Kind  Reader,  you  sometimes  permit  me  to  stray — 
Tis  strange  the  French  prove,  when  they  take  to  aspersing, 
So  inferior  to  us  in  the  science  of  cursing : 

Kick  a  Frenchman  down  stairs, 

How  absurdly  he  swears  1 
And  how  odd  'tis  to  hear  him,  when  beat  to  a  jelly, 
Roar  out,  in  a  passion,  "Blue  Death  1 "  and  "Blue  Belly  I '' 


312  Mil.    TETEIIS'S    STORY. 

"To  return  to  our  sheep"  from  this  little  digression: — 
Blogg's  features  assumed  a  complacent  expression-. 
As  he  emptied  his  glass,  and  she  gave  him  a  fresh  one ; 

Too  little  he  heeded 

IIow  fast  they  succeeded, 
Perhaps  you  or  I  might  have  done,  though,  as  he  did ; 
For  when  once  Madam  Fortune  deals  out  her  hard  rai)8, 

It's  amazing  to  think 

How  one  *' cottons"  to  Drink ! 
At  such  times,  of  all  things  in  nature  perhaps. 
There's  not  one  that  is  half  so  seducing  as  Scknaps. 

Mr.  Blogg,  beside  being  uncommonly  dry. 
Was,  like  most  otlier  Bagmen,  remarkably  shy, 

—  "  Did  not  like  to  deny  " — 

'*  Felt  obliged  to  comply" 
Every  time  that  slie  ask'd  him  to  "  wet  t'other  eye ; '' 
For  'twas  worthy  remark  that  she  spared  not  the  stoup, 
Though  before  she  had  seem'd  so  to  grudge  him  the  soup 

At  length  the  fumes  rose 

To  his  l)rain ;  and  his  nose 
Gave  hints  of  a  strong  disposition  to  doze, 
And  a  vearning  to  seek  "horizontal  repose." — 

His  queer-looking  host^ 

Who,  firm  at  his  post, 
During  all  the  long  meal  had  continued  to  toast 

That  garment  'twere  rude  to 

Do  more  than  allude  to, 
Perceived,  from  his  breathing  and  nodding,  the  views 
Of  his  guest  were  directed  to  "  taking  a  snooze  :  " 
So  he  caught  up  a  lamp  in  his  huge  dirty  paw. 
With  (as  Blogg  used  to  tell  it)  "Mounseer,  swivvy  maw!" 

And  "  marshall'd  "  him  so 

"The  way  he  should  go," 
Upstairs  to  an  attic,  large,  gloomy,  and  1  ow, 

Without  table  or  chair, 

Or  a  moveable  there. 
Save  an  old-fashion'd  be<lstead,  much  out  of  repair, 
That  stood  at  the  end  most  remov'd  from  the  stair.— 


THE  bagman's  dog.  31.'} 

With  a  grin  and  a  shrug 

The  host  points  to  the  rug, 
Just  as  much  as  to  say,  "There! — I  tliink  you  *11  be  snug   * 

Puts  the  light  on  the  floor, 

Walks  to  the  door, 
Makes  a  formal  Salaam,  and  is  then  seen  no  more ; 
When  just  as  the  ear  lost  the  sound  of  his  tread. 
To  the  Bagman's  surprise,  and,  at  first,  to  his  dread. 
The  great  curlj-tail'd  Dog  crept  from  imder  the  bed ! — 

— It's  a  very  nice  thing  when  a  man's  in  a  fright, 
And  thinks  matters  all  wrong,  to  find  matters  all  right ; 
As,  for  instance,  when  going  home  late-ish  at  night 
Through  a  Churchyard,  and  seeing  a  thing  all  in  white, 
Which,  of  course,  one  is  led  to  consider  a  Sprite, 

To  find  that  the  Ghost 

Is  merely  a  post. 
Or  a  miller,  or  chalky -faced  donkey  at  most ; 
Or,  when  taking  a  walk  as  the  evenings  begin 
To  close,  or,  as  some  people  call  it,  "  draw  in," 
And  some  undefined  form,    "  looming  large "   through 

haze. 
Presents  itself,  right  in  your  path,  to  your  gaze. 

Inducing  a  dread 

Of  a  knock  on  the  head. 
Or  a  sever'd  carotid,  to  find  that,  instead 
Of  one  of  those  rufiians  who  murder  and  fleece  men 
It's  your  uncle,  or  one  of  the  "  Rural  Policemen ; " — 

Then  tho  blood  flows  again 

Through  artery  and  vein : 
You're  delighted  with  what  just  before  gave  you  pain , 
You  laugh  at  your  fears — and  your  friend  in  the  fog 
Meets  a  welcome  as  cordial  as  Anthony  Blogg 
Now  bestow'd  on  his  friend — the  great  curly-tailed  Dog 

For  the  Dog  leap'd  up,  and  his  paws  found  a  place 
On  each  side  his  neck  in  a  canine  embrace, 
And  he  lick'd  Blogg's  hands,  and  he  lick'd  his  face, 
FIRST   SERIES.  14 


514  MR.    PETEils'S    STORY. 

And  ho  waggled  his  tail  as  much  as  to  say, 
"Mr.  Blogg,  we've  foregather'd  before  to-day  I  " 
And  the  Bagman  saw,  as  he  now  sprang  up, 

What,  beyond  all  doubt, 

He  might  have  found  out 
Before,  had  he  not  been  so  eager  to  sup, 
Twas  Sancho ! — the  Dog  he  had  reared  from  a  pup  — 
The  Dog  who  when  sinking  had  seized  his  hair, — 
The  Dog  who  had  saved,  and  conducted  him  there, — 
Tlie  Dog  he  had  lost  out  of  Billiter  Square  I ! 

It's  passing  sweet. 

An  absolute  treat. 
When  friends,  long  sever'd  by  distance,  meet, — 
With  what  warmth  and  affection  each  other  they  greet ! 
Especially  too,  as  we  very  well  know. 
If  there  seems  any  chance  of  a  little  cadeau, 
A  "  Present  from  Brighton,"  or  "  Token,"  to  show. 
In  the  shape  of  a  work-box,  ring,  bracelet,  or  so. 
That  our  friends  don't  forget  us,  although  they  may  go 
To  Ramsgate,  or  Rome,  or  Fernando  Po. 
If  some  little  advantage  seems  likely  to  start. 
From  a  fifty-pound  note  to  a  two-penny  tart, 
It's  surprising  to  see  how  it  softens  the  heart. 
And  you'll   find   those   whose   hopes   from   the   other   az« 

strongest. 
Use,  in  common,  endearments  the  thickest  and  longest. 

But,  it  was  not  so  here ; 

For,  although  it  is  clear, 
When  abroad,  and  we  have  not  a  single  friend  near. 
E'en  a  cur  that  will  love  us  becomes  very  dear, 
And  the  balance  of  interest  'twixt  him  and  the  Dog 
Of  course  was  inclining  to  Anthony  Blogg, 

Yet  he,  first  of  all,  ceased 

To  encourage  the  beast, 
I'erhaps  thinking  "  Enough  is  a  good  as  a  feast ;  ** 
A-ncf  besides,  as  w^Ve  sarfdy  being  sleepy  and  mellow^ 
He  grew  tired  of  patting,  and  crying  "  Poor  fellow   * 


THE  UAG man's  dog.  316 

So  bis  smile  by  degrees  hardcn'd  into  a  frown, 

And  his  "  That's  a  good  dog  1  "  into  "  Down,  Sancho!  down  1" 

But  nothing  could  stop  his  mute  fav'riie's  caressing, 
Wlio,  in  fact,  seem'd  resolved  to  prevent  his  undressing, 

Using  paws,  tail,  and  head. 

As  if  he  had  said, 
*  Most  beloved  of  masters,  pray,  don't  go  to  bed  ; 
You  had  much  better  sit  up,  and  pat  me  instead !  " 
Nay,  at  last,  when  determined  to  take  some  repose, 
Blogg  threw  himself  down  on  the  outside  the  clothes. 

Spite  of  all  he  could  do, 

The  Dog  juinp'd  up  too. 
And  kept  him  awake  with  his  very  cold  nose ; 

Scratching  and  whining. 

And  moaning  and  pining. 
Till  Blogg  really  believed  he  must  have  some  design  in 
Thus  breaking  his  rest ;  above  all,  when  at  length 
Tlxe  dog  scratch'd  him  off  from  the  bed  by  sheer  strength 

Rxtremely  annoy'd  by  the  "  tarnation  whop,"  as  it 
's  call'd  in  Kentuck,  on  its  head  and  its  opposite, 

Blogg  show'd  fight ; 

When  he  saw,  by  the  light 
Of  the  flickering  candle,  that  had  not  yet  quite 
Bm'ut  down  in  the  socket,  though  not  over  bright. 
Certain  dark-colour'd  stains,  as  of  blood  newly  spilt, 
Reveal'd  by  the  dog's  having  scratched  off  the  quilt 
AVhich  hinted  a  story  of  horror  and  guilt ! — 

'Twas  "  no  mistake," — 

lie  was  "wide  awake" 
In  an  instant;  for,  when  only  decently  drunk. 
Nothing  sobers  a  man  so  completely  as  "funk,"  .^ 

And  hark  ! — what's  that  ? — 
Tliey  have  got  into  chat 
In  the  kitchen  below — what  the  deuce  are  Ihey  at  — 


316  MR.    PETERS'S    STORY. 

Tliere's  the  ugly  old  Fisherman  scolding  his  wife — 
And  she ! — by  the  Pope !  she's  whetting  a  knife  I — 

At  each  twist 

Of  her  wrist, 
And  her  great  mutton  fist, 
The  edge  of  the  weapon  sounds  shriller  and  louder  1 — 

The  fierce  kitchen  fire 

Had  not  made  Blogg  perspire 
Half  so  much,  or  a  dose  of  the  best  James's  powder. — 
It  ceases — all's  silent ! — and  now,  I  declare 
There's  somebody  crawls  up  that  rickety  stair. 

***** 
The  horrid  old  rufHan  comes,  cat-like,  creeping ; — 
He  opens  the  door  just  sufficient  to  peep  in. 
And  sees,  as  he  fancies,  the  Bagman  sleeping ! 
For  Blogg,  when  he'd  once  ascertain'd  that  there  was  some 
"Precious  mischief"  on  foot  had  resolv'd  to  play  'Possum ;  — 

Down  he  went,  legs  and  head, 

Flat  on  the  bed. 
Apparently  sleeping  as  sound  as  the  dead  ; 
While,  though  none  who  look'd  at  him  would  think  such  a 

thing. 
Every  nerve  in  his  frame  was  braced  up  for  a  spring. 

Then,  just  as  tlie  villain 

Crept,  stealthily  still,  in. 
And  you'd  not  have  innir'd  his  guest's  life  for  a  shilling. 
As  the  knife  gleam'd  on  high,  bright  and  sharp  as  a  razor, 
Blogg,  starting  upright,  "tipped"  the  fellow  "a  facer;" 
—Down  went  man  and  weapon. — Of  all  sorts  of  blows, 
From  what  Mr.  Jackson  repoits,  I  suppose 
There  are  few  that  surpass  a  flush  hit  on  the  nose. 

Now,  had  I  the  pen  of  old  Ossian  or  Homer, 

(Though *r>aeh  of  these  names  some  pronounce  a  misnomer. 

And  say  the  first  person 

Was  call'd  James  M'Pherson, 
While,  as  to  the  second,  they  stoutly  declare 
He  was  no  one  knows  who,  and  born  no  one  knows  where,) 


THE  bagman's  i>oo.  317 

Or  had  I  the  quill  of  Pierce  Egan,  a  writer 
Acknowledged  the  best  theoretical  fighter 

For  the  last  twenty  years, 

By  the  lively  young  Peers, 
Who,  doffing  their  coronets,  collars,  and  ermine,  treat 
Boxers  to  "Max,"  at  the  One  Tun  in  Jerniyn  Street; — 
— I  say,  could  I  borrow  these  Gentlemen's  Muses, 
More  skill'd  than  my  meek  one  in  "  fibbings "  and  bruises, 

rd  describe  now  to  you 

As  "  i^rime  a  Set-to," 
And  **  regular  turn-up,"  as  ever  you  knew ; 
Not  inferior  in  "  bottom  "  to  aught  you  have  read  of 
Since  Cribb,  years  ago,  half  knock'd  Molyneux'  head  off. 
But  my  dainty  Urania  says,  "Such  things  are  shocking  I" 

Lnce  mittens  She  loves. 

Detesting  "  The  Gloves ;" 
And  turning,  with  air  most  disdainfully  mocking, 
From  Melpomene's  buskin,  adopts  the  silk  stocking 

So,  as  far  as  I  can  see, 

I  must  leave  you  to  "  fancy  " 
The  thumps  and  the  bumps,  and  the  ups  and  the  dovms, 
And  the  taps,  and  the  slaps,  and  the  raps  on  the  crowns, 
That  pass'd  twixt  the  Husband,  Wife,  Bagman,  and  Dog, 
As  Blogg  roll'd  over  them,  and  they  roU'd  over  Blogg ; 

While  what's  called  "  The  Claret " 

Flew  over  the  garret : 

Merely  stating  the  fact. 

As  each  other  they  whack'd. 
The  Dog  his  old  master  most  gallantly  back'd  ; 
Making  both  the  garcons,  who  came  running  in,  sheer  ofl^ 
With  "Hippolyte's  "  thumb,  and  "  Alphonse's"  left  ear  off; 

Next,  making  a  stoop  on 

The  buflfeting  group  on 
The  floor,  rent  in  tatters  the  old  woman's  jupon  ; 
Then  the  old  man  turn'd  up,  and  a  fresh  bite  of  Sancho's 
Tore  out  the  whole  seat  of  his  striped  Calimancoes.— 

Really,  which  way 

This  desperate  fray 


318  MR.    TETERS'S    STORY. 

Might  have  ended  at  last,  I'm  not  able  to  say, 
Tlie  dog  keeping  thus  the  assassins  at  bay : 
But  a  few  fresh  arrivals  decided  the  day ; 

For  bounce  went  the  door, 

In  came  half  a  score 
Of  the  passengers,  sailors,  and  one  or  two  more 
Who  had  aided  the  party  in  gaining  the  shore  1 

It's  a  great  many  years  ago — ^raine  then  were  few — 
Since  I  spent  a  short  time  in  the  old  Courageux  ; — 

I  think  that  they  say 

She  had  been,  in  her  day, 
A  First-rate, — but  was  then  what  they  term  a  Rasce, — 
And  they  took  me  on  board  in  tlie  Downs,  where  she  lay 
(Captain  Wilkinson  held  the  command  by  the  way.) 
In  her  I  pick'd  up,  on  that  single  occasion. 
The  little  I  know  that  concerns  Navigation, 
And  obtained,  iM^cr  alia,  some  vague  information 
Of  a  practice  which  often,  in  cases  of  robbing. 
Is  adopted  on  shipboard — I  think  it's  call'd  "Cobbing." 
How  it's  managed  exactly  I  really  can't  say. 
But  I  think  that  a  Boot-jack  is  brought  into  play — 
That  is,  if  I'm  right ; — it  exceeds  my  ability 

To  tell  how  'tis  done ; 

But  the  system  is  one 
Of  which  Sancho's  exploit  would  increase  the  facility. 
And,  from  all  I  can  learn,  I'd  much  rather  be  robb'd 
Of  the  little  I  have  in  my  purse,  than  be  "  cobb'd  ;" 

That's  mere  matter  of  taste : 

But  the  Frenchman  was  placed — 
I  mean  the  old  scoundrel  whose  actions  Ave've  traced — 
In  such  a  position,  that,  on  this  unmasking, 
His  consent  was  the  last  thing  the  men  thought  of  asking. 

The  old  woman,  too. 

Was  obliged  to  go  through, 
With  her  boys,  the  rough  discipline  used  by  the  crew, 
Who,  before  they  let  one  of  the  set  see  the  back  of  them, 
**  Cobb'd  "  the  wliole  oarty, — ay,  "  every  man  Jack  of  thein.*" 


THE    BAOMANS    DOG.  319 


Moral. 


And  now,  Gentle  Keader,  before  that  I  say 
Farewell  for  the  present,  and  wish  you  good  day, 
Attend  to  the  moral  I  draw  from  my  lay ! — 

If  ever  you  travel,  like  Anthony  Blogg, 
Be  wary  of  strangers ! — don't  take  too  much  grog  I — 
And  don't  fall  asleep,  if  you  should,  like  a  hog ! — 
Above  all — carry  with  you  a  curly -tail'd  Dog  I 

Lastly,  don't  act  like  Blogg,  who,  I  say  it  with  blushing. 
Sold  Sancho  next  month  for  two  guineas  at  Flushing ; 
But  still  on  these  words  of  the  Bard  keep  a  fix'd  eye, 
Ingratum  si  dixeris,  omnia  dixti  1 !  1 

V  Envoye^ 

I  felt  so  disgusted  with  Blogg,  from  sheer  shame  of  him, 
I  never  once  thought  to  enquire  what  became  of  hira 
IX  you  want  to  know,  Reader,  the  way  I  opine 
To  achieve  your  design, — 
— Mind,  it's  no  wish  of  mine, — 
la, — (a  ppnny  will  do't,) — by  addressing  a  line 
To  Turnei*,  Dry,  "Weipersyde,  Rogers,  and  Pjne 


320 


A  P  P  E  N  D  I  A. 


Since  penning  this  stanza,  a  learn'd  Antiquary 
Has  put  my  poor  Muse  in  no  trifling  quandary, 
By  writing  an  essay  to  prove  that  he  knows  a 

Spot  which,  in  truth,  is 

Tlie  real  "  Bermoothes," 
*Q  the  Mediterranean, — now  called  Lamped osa  ; 
— For  j)roofs,  having  made,  as  he  further  alleges,  snr 
An  entry  was  found  in  tlie  old  Parish  Register, 
The  which  at  his  instance  the  excellent  Vicar  ex- 
ti'aeted :  viz.  "  Caliban,  base  son  of  Sycorax." 

— He  had  rather,  by  half. 

Have  found  Prospero's  "Staff;" 
But  'twas  useless  to  dig,  for  the  want  of  a  pick  or  axe.- 
Colonel  Pasley,  however,  'tis  everywhere  said, 
Now  he's  blown  up  the  old  Royal  George  at  Spithead, 
And  the  great  cliff  at  Dover,  of  which  we've  all  rea<l. 
Takes  his  whole  apparatus,  and  goes  out  to  look 
And  see  if  he  can't  try  and  blow  up  "  the  Book/' 
— Gentle  Reader  farewell ! — If  I  add  one  more  line, 
**  Hell  be,  in  all  likelihood,  blowing  up  mine  ! 

*  See  page  30G. 


THE  IlfGOLDSBY  LEGEJSTDS, 
SECOND  SERIES. 


TO  RICHARD  BENTLEY,  Esq. 


Mv  DEAR  Sir, 

You  tell  me  that  "  a  generous  and  enlightened  Public" 
has  given  a  favourable  reception  to  those  extracts  from  our 
family  papers,  which,  at  your  suggestion,  were  laid  before 
it  some  two  years  since  ;  —  and  you  hint,  with  all  possible 
delicacy,  that  a  second  volume  might  not  be  altogether  un- 
acceptable at  a  period  of  the  year  when  "auld  warld 
stories "  are  more  especially  in  request.  With  all  my 
heart, —  the  old  oak  chest  is  not  yet  empty;  in  addition  to 
which  I  have  recently  laid  my  hand  upon  a  long  MS, 
correspondence  of  my  great  uncle,  Sir  Peregrine  Ingoldsby, 
a  cadet  of  the  family,  who  somehow  contrived  to  attract  the 
notice  of  George  the  Second,  and  received  from  his 
"honour-giving  hand"  the  accolade  of  knighthood.  To 
this  last-named  source  I  am  indebted  for  several  of  the  ac- 
companying histories,  while  my  inestimable  friend  Simp- 
kinson  has  bent  all  the  powers  of  his  mighty  mind  to  the 
task.  From  Father  John's  stores  I  have  drawn  largely. 
Our  V  Honourable"  friend  Sueklethumbkin  —  by  the  way, 
ho  has  been  beating  our  covers  lately,  when  he  shot  a 
woodcock,  and  one  of  the  Governor's  pointers  —  gives  a 
graphic  account  of  the  Operatic  "  row  "  in  which  he  was 
heretofore  so  conspicuous ;  while  even  Mrs.  Barney 
Maguire  [nie  Mademoiselle  Paulina),  whose  horror  of  Mrs. 
Botherby's  cap  has  no  jot  diminished,  furnishes  me  with 
the  opening  Legend  of  the  series  from  the  Jiistorieties  of 
her  own  hclle  France. 


sn  TO  RTcriAr^D  bextley,  esq. 

Why  will  you  not  run  down  to  Tappington  this  Christ- 
mas ?  — We  have  been  rather  busy  of  late  in  carrying  into 
execution  the  enclosure  of  Swingfield  Minnis  under  the 
auspices  of  m^''  Lord  Radnor,  and  Her  Majesty's  visit  to 
the  neighbourhood  has  kept  us  quite  alive:  the  Prince  in 
one  of  his  rides  pulled  up  at  the  end  of  the  avenue,  and,  as 
A  *  ^^  told  Sucklethumbkin,  was  much  taken  with  the  pic- 
turesque appearance  of  our  old  gable-ends.  Unluckily  we 
were  all  at  Canterbury  that  morning,  or  proud  indeed 
should  we  have  been  to  offer  his  Iloyal  Highness  tlie 
humble  hospitalities  of  the  Hall, —  and  then  —  fancy  Mrs. 
Botherby's  *'My  Gracious!''  By  the  way,  the  old  lady 
tells  me  you  left  your  nightcap  here  on  your  last  visit ;  it 
is  laid  up  in  lavender  for  you  ; — come  and  reclaim  it.  Tlie 
Yule  log  will  burn  bright  as  ever  in  the  cedar  room.  Bin 
No.  6  is  still  one  liquid  ruby  —  the  old  October  yet  smiles 
like  mantling  amber,  in  utter  disdain  of  that  vile  concoction 
of  camomile  which  you  so  pseudonymously  dignify  with 
the  title  of  "Bitter  Ale." — Make  a  start,  then:— pitch 
printer's-ink  to  old  Harry, —  and  come  and  spend  a  fort- 
night with 

Yours,  till  the  crack  of  doom, 

THOMAS  INGOLDSBY. 
Taitington  EvERART), 

Dec.  Uth,  1842. 


THE  BLACK  MOUSQUETAIRE. 

A    LEGEND    OF    FRANCE. 

Francois  Xavier  Auguste  was  a  gay  Mousquetaire, 
Tlie  Pride  of  the  Camp,  the  delight  of  the  Fair ; 
lie  'd  a  mien  so  disiinguS,  and  so  debonnaire, 
And  shrugg'd  with  a  grace  so  recherchi  and  rare, 
And  he  twirl'd  his  moustache  with  so  channing  an  nir, 
—His  moustaches  I  should  say,  because  he  'd  a  pair,  — 
And,  in  short,  sliow'd  so  much  of  the  true  sgavoir /aire. 
All  the  ladies  in  Paris  Avere  wont  to  declare, 
That  could  any  one  draw 
Them  from  Dian's  strict  law, 
Into  what  Mrs.  Ramsbottom  calls  a  "Fox  Paw," 
It  would  be  Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste  do  St.  Foix. 

Now,  I  'm  sorry  to  say. 

At  that  time  of  day. 
The  Court  of  Versailles  was  a  little  too  gay  ; 
The  Courtiers  were  all  much  addicted  to  Play, 
To  Bordeaux,  Chambertin,  Frontignac,  St.  Peray, 

Lafitte,  Chateaux  Margaux, 

And  Sillery  (a  cargo 
On  which  Jolm  Bull  sensibly  (?)  lays  an  embargo), 

a) 


8  A    LEGEND    OF    FRANCE. 

Wliile  Louis  Quatorze 

Kept  about  hun,  in  scores, 
What  the  Noblesse,  in  courtesy,  term'd  his  "Jane  Shores," 
— They  were  call'd  by  a  much  coarser  name  out  of  doors. — 

This,  we  all  must  admit,  in 

A  King's  not  befitting! 
For  such  courses,  when  followed  by  persons  of  quality, 

Are  apt  to  detract  on  the  score  of  morality. 

Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste  acted  much  like  the  rest  of  them, 
Dress'd,  drank,  and  fought,  and  chasse'd  with  the  best  of  them. 

Took  his  ceil  de  perdriz 

Till  he  scarcely  could  see, 
He  would  then  sally  out  in  the  streets  for  a  "  spree ;" 

His  rapier  he  'd  draw, 

Pink  a  Bourgeois, 
(A  word  which  the  English  translate  "Johnny  Raw,") 
For  your  thorough  French  Courtier,  whenever  the  fit  he's  in, 
Thinks  its  prime  fun  to  astonish  a  citizen : 
And,  perhaps  it's  no  wonder  that  this  kind  of  scrapes. 
In  a  nation  which  Voltaire,  in  one  of  his  japes. 
Defines  '*  an  amalgam  of  Tigers  and  Apes," 
►Should  bo  merely  considered  as  "  Little  Escapes," 

But  I  'm  sorry  to  add, 

Things  are  almost  as  bad 
A  great  deal  nearer  home,  and  that  similar  pranks 
Amongst  young  men  who  move  in  the  very  first  ranks, 
Aj*e  by  no  means  confined  to  the  land  of  the  Franks. 

Be  this  as  it  will. 
In  the  general,  still, 
Though  blame  him  we  must, 
It  is  really  but  just 
To  onr  lively  young  friend,  Francois  Xavier  Auguste, 
To  say,  that  howe'er 
Well  known  his  faults  were. 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  9 

At  his  Bacchanal  parties  he  always  drank  fair, 

And,  wlicn  gambling  his  worst,  always  play'd  on  the  square. 

So  that,  being  much  more  of  pigeon  than  rook,  he 

Lost  large  sums  at  faro  (a  game  like  "  Blind  Hookey"), 

And  continued  to  lose. 

And  to  give  I.  0.  U.'s, 
Till  he  lost  e'en  the  credit  he  had  with  the  Jews ; 
And,  a  parallel  if  I  may  venture  to  draw 
Between  Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste  de  St.  Foix, 
And  his  namesake,  a  still  more  distinguished  Francois, 

Who  wrote  to  his  "s«!Mr"* 

From  Pa  via,  "i/on   Coeury 
I  have  lost  all  I  had  in  the  world /or^  VhonneuTy^ 

So  St.  Foix  might  have  wrote 

No  dissimilar  note, 
•*  Vive  la  bagatelle! — toujour s  gai — idem  semper — 
I  've  lost  all  I  had  in  the  world  but — my  temper!" 

From  the  very  beginning. 

Indeed,  of  his  sinning. 
His  air  was  so  cheerful,  his  manners  so  winning. 
That  once  he  prevailed — or  his  friends  coin  the  tale  for  him — 
On  the  bailijBf  who  "nabbed"  him,  himself  to  "go  bail"  for  hint 

Well — we  know  in  these  cases 

Your  "Crabs"  and  " Deuce  Aces" 
Are  wont  to  promote  frequent  changes  of  places , 
Town  doctors,  indeed,  are  most  apt  to  declare 
That  there's  nothing  so  good  as  the  pure  "country  air," 

*  Mrs.  Ingoldsby,  who  is  deeply  read  in  Kobertson,  informs  mo  that  this 
is  a  mistake;  that  the  lady  to  wliom  this  memorahle  JnlJel  was  delivered  by 
the  hands  of  Pcnnalosa,  was  the  unfortunate  monarch's  mamma,  and  not  his 
sister.  I  would  gladly  rectify  tlie  error,  but,  then, — what  am  I  to  do  for  a 
rhyme? — On  the  whole.  I  fear  I  must  content  myself,  like  Talleyrand,  with 
admitting  that  "it  is  worse  than  a  fault — it's  a  blunder!"  for  which  enoi> 
mity, — as  lionest  old  Pepya  says  when  he  records  having  kissed  his  cok- 
maid, — "  I  humbly  bog  pardon  of  Heaven,  and  Mrs.  Ingoldsby !" 


10  A    LEGEND    OF    FRANCE. 

Whenever  exhaustion  of  person,  or  purse,  in 
An  invalid  cramps  him,  and  sets  him  a-cursing ; 
A  -labit,  I  'm  very  much  grieved  at  divulging, 
Fri\n5(»is  Xavier  Auguste  was  too  prone  to  indulge  in. 

But  what  could  be  done  ? 

It's  clear  as  the  sun, 
That,  though  nothing 's  more  easy  than  say  "  Cut  and  run  V 
Yet  a  Guardsman  can't  live  without  some  sort  of  fun — 

E'en  I  or  you. 

If  we'd  nothing  to  do. 
Should  soon  find  ourselves  looking  remarkably  blue. 

And,  since  no  one  denies 

What's  so  plain  to  all  eyes, 
It  won't,  I  am  sure,  create  any  surprise 
That  reflections  like  these  half  reduced  to  despair 
Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste,  the  gay  Black  Mousquetaire. 

Patience  par  force  ! 

He  considered,  of  course, 
But  in  vain — he  could  hit  on  no  sort  of  resource — 

Love  ?  —  Liquor  ?  —  Law  ?  —  Loo  ? 

They  would  each  of  them  do, 
There's  excitement  enough  in  all  four,  but  in  none  he 
Could  hope  to  get  on  sans  V argent — i.  e.  money. 
Love  ? — no ; — ^ladies  like  little  cadeaux  from  a  suitor. 
Liquor  ?  —  no,  —  that    won't     do,    when     reduced     to    "  th* 
Pewter." — 

Then  Law?  —  'tis  the  same; 

It's  a  very  fine  game. 
But  the  fees  and  delays  of  "  the  Courts  "  are  a  shame, 
As  Lord  Brougham  says  himself — ^who  's  a  very  great  name, 
Though  the  Times  made  it  clear  he  was  perfectly  lost  in  his 
Classic  attempt  at  translating  Demosthenes, 

And  don't  know  his  "particles." — 

Who  wrote  the  articles, 
Showing  his  Greek  up  so,  is  not  known  very  well ; 
Many  thought  Barnes,  others  Mitcliell — some  Merivale; 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  11 

But  it's  scarce  worth  debate, 

Because  from  the  date 
Of  my  tale  one  conclusion  we  safely  may  draw, 
Viz, :  'twas  not  Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste  de  St.  Foix ! 

Loo  ?  —  no ;  —  that  he  had  tried ; 

'Twas,  in  fact,  his  weak  side, 
But  required  more  than  any  a  purse  well  supplied. 
< '  Love  ?  —  Liquor  ?  —  Law  ?  —  Loo  ?      No !    'tis   all   the   samo 

story. 
Stay!   I  have   it — Ma  foil    (that's  'Odd's   Bobs!')  there  ia 
Glory ! 

Away  with  dull  care! 

Vive  le  Roi!   Vive  la  Guerre! 
Pesie  1  I  'd  almost  forgot  I  'm  a  Black  Mousquetairo  I 

When  a  man  is  like  me, 

Sans  six  sous,  sans  souci, 

A  bankrupt  in  purse, 

And  in  character  worse. 
With  a  shocking  bad  hat,  and  his  credit  at  Zero, 
What  on  earth  can  he  hope  to  become, — but  a  Hero? 

What  a  famous  thought  this  is! 

I'll  go  as  Ulysses 
Of  old  did — ^like  him  I  '11  see  manners,  and  know  countries ;  ♦ 
Cut  Paris, — and  gaming, — and  throats  in  the  Low  Countries." 

So  said,  and  so  done  —  he  arranged  his  aifairs, 
And  was  off  like  a  shot  to  his  Black  Mousquetaires 

Now  it  happen'd  just  then 
That  Field-Marshal  Turenne 
Was  a  good  deal  in  want  of  "  some  active  young  men," 
To  fill  up  the  gaps 
Which,  through  sundry  mishaps, 

*  Qui  moroa  hominum  multorum  vidil  et  urbes. 

Who  viewed  men's  manners,  London?,  Yorks,  and  Dorbji". 


Am  A  LEGEND    OF    FRANCE. 

Had  been  made  in  his  ranks  by  a  certain  "  Great  Cond^," 
A  general  unrivall'd — at  least  in  his  own  day — 

Whose  valour  was  such, 

That  he  did  not  care  much 
If  he  fought  with  the  French, — or  the  Spaniards, — or  Dutch^ 
A  fact  which  has  stamped  him  a  rather  "  Cool  hand," 
Being  nearly  related  to  Louis  le  Grand. 
It  had  been  all  the  same  had  that  King  been  his  brother ; 
He  fought  sometimes  with  one,  and  sometimes  with  another; 

For  war,  so  exciting, 

He  took  such  delight  in, 
He  did  not  care  whom  he  fought,  so  he  2vas  fighting. 
And,  as  I've  just  said,  had  amused  himself  then 
By  tickling  the  tail  of  Field-Marshal  Turenne ; 
Since  which,  the  Field-Marshal's  most  pressing  concern 
Was  to  tickle  some  other  chief's  tail  in  his  turn. 

What  a  fine  thing  a  battle  is ! — not  one  of  those 
Which  one  saw  at  the  late  Mr.  Andrew  Ducrow's, 
Where  a  dozen  of  scene-shifters,  drawn  up  in  rows, 
Would  a  dozen  more  scene-shifters  boldly  oppose. 

Taking  great  care  their  blows 

Did  not  injure  their  foes. 
And  alike,  save  in  colour  and  cut  of  their  clothes, 
Which  were  varied,  to  give  more  effect  to  "  Tableaux" 

While  Stickney  the  Great 

Flung  the  gauntlet  to  Fate, 
And  made  us  all  tremble,  so  gallantly  did  he  come 
On  to  encounter  bold  General  Widdicombe — 
But  a  real,  good  fight,  like  Pultowa,  or  LUtzen, 
(Which  Gustavus  the  Great  ended  all  his  disputes  in,) 
Or  that  which  Suwarrow  engaged  without  boots  in, 
Or  Dettingen,  Fontenoy,  Blenheim,  or  Minden, 
Or  the  one  Mr.  Campbell  describes,  Hohenlinden, 

Where  "  the  sun  was  low," 

The  ground  all  over  snow, 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  It 

And  dark  as  mid-winter  the  swift  Iser's  flow, — 
Till  its  colour  was  alter'd  by  General  Moreau ; 
While  big  drum  was  heard  in  the  dead  of  the  night, 
Which  rattled  the  Bard  out  of  bed  in  a  fright, 
And  he  ran  up  the  steeple  to  look  at  the  fight. 

'Twas  in  just  such  another  one, 

(Names  only  bother  one — ) 
Dutch  ones,  indeed,  are  sufficient  to  smother  one — ) 
In  the  Netherlands  somewhere — I  cannot  say  where — 

Suffice  it  that  there 

La  Fortune  de  guerre 
Gave  a  cast  of  her  calling  to  our  Mousquetaire. 
One  fine  morning,  in  short,  Fran9ois  Xavicr  Auguste, 
After  making  some  scores  of  his  foes  "bite  the  dust," 
Got  a  mouthful  himself  of  the  very  same  crust ; 
And  though,  as  the  Bard  says,  "No  law  is  more  just 
Than  for  Necia  artifices,'''' — so  they  calFd  fiery 
Soldados  at  Rome, — "  arte  suQ,  perire" 

Yet  fate  did  not  draw 

This  poetical  law 
To  its  fullest  extent  in  the  case  of  St.  Foix, 
His  Good  Genius  most  probably  found  out  some  flaw. 

And  diverted  the  shot 

From  some  deadlier  spot 
To  a  bone  which,  I  think,  to  the  best  of  my  memory,  's 
Call'd  by  Professional  men  the  '■'■  os  femoris ;" 
And  the  ball  being  one  of  those  named  from  its  shape. 
And  some  fancied  resemblance  it  bears  to  the  grape, 

St.  Foix  went  down. 

With  a  groan  and  a  frown. 
And  a  hole  in  his  small-clothes  the  size  of  a  crown. — 

— Stagger'd  a  bit 

By  this  "palpable  hit," 
He  turn'd  on  his  face,  and  went  off  in  a  fit ! 
Yes ! — a  Battle's  a  very  fine  thing  while  you're  fightins;, 
These  same  Ups-and-Downs  are  so  very  exciting. 
2 


M  A   LEGEND    OF    FRANCE. 

But  a  sombre  sight  is  a  Battle-field 

To  the  sad  survivor's  sorrowing  eye, 
Where  those,  who  scorn'd  to  fly  or  yield, 
In  one  promiscuous  carnage  lie ; 
When  the  cannon's  roar 
Is  heard  no  more, 
And  the  thick  dun  smoke  has  roll'd  away, 
And  the  victor  comes  for  the  last  survey 
Of  the  well-fought  field  of  yesterday  ! 

No  triumphs  flush  that  haughty  brow, — 
No  proud  exulting  look  is  there, — 

His  eagle  .glance  is  humbled  now. 
As,  earth-ward  bent,  in  anxious  care 

It  seeks  the  form  whose  stalwart  pride 

But  y ester-morn  was  by  his  side ! 

And  there  it  lies !  —  on  yonder  bank 
Of  corses,  which  themselves  had  breath 

But  yester-morn  —  now  cold  and  dank, 
With  other  dews  than  those  of  death ! 

Powerless  as  it  had  ne'er  been  born 

The  hand  that  clasp'd  his — yester-morn! 

And  there  are  widows  wand'ring  there. 
That  roam  the  blood-besprinkled  plain, 

And  listen  in  their  dumb  despair 

For  sounds  they  ne'er  may  hear  again  I 

One  word,  however  faint  and  low, — 

Ay,  e'en  a  groan, — were  music  now! 

And  this  is  Glory!  —  Fame!  — 

But,  pshaw! 

Miss  Muse,  you're  growing  sentimental ; 
Besides,  such  things  we  never  saw ; 

In  fact  they  're  merely  Continental. 
And  then  your  Ladyship  forgets 
Some  widows  came  for  epaulettes. 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQTTETAIRE. 


15 


So  go  back  to  your  canter ;  for  one,  I  declare, 

Is  now  fumbling  about  our  capsized  Mousquetaire, 

A  beetle-brow'd  hag, 

With  a  knife  and  a  bag, 
And  an  old  tatter'd  bonnet  which,  thrown  back,  discloses 
The  ginger  complexion,  and  one  of  those  noses 
Peculiar  to  females  named  Levy  and  Moses, 
Such  as  nervous  folks  still,  when  they  come  in  their  way  ^hur., 
Old  vixen-faced  tramps  of  the  Hebrew  persuasion. 

You  remember,  I  trust, 

Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste, 
Had  uncommon  fine  limbs,  and  a  very  fine  bust. 
Now  there's  something — I  cannot  tell  what  it  may  be— - 
About  good-looking  gentlemen  tum'd  twenty-three, 
Above  all  when  laid  up  with  a  wound  in  the  knee, 
Which  affects  female  hearts,  in  no  common  degree, 
With  emotions  in  which  many  feelings  combine, 
Very  easy  to  fancy,  though  hard  to  define ; 

Ugly  or  pretty, 

Stupid  or  witty, 
Young  or  old,  they  experience,  in  country  or  city, 
What's  clearly  not  Love — yet  it's  warmer  than  Pity  — 
Aild  some  such  a  feeling,  no  doubt,  'tis  that  stays 
The  hand  you  may  see  that  old  Jezebel  raise, 

Arm'd  with  the  blade. 

So  oft  used  in  her  trade, 
The  horrible  calling  e'en  now  she  is  plying, 
Despoiling  the  dead,  and  despatching  the  dying! 
For  these  "nimble  Conveyancers,"  after  such  battles. 
Regarding  as  treasure  trouve  all  goods  and  chattels, 
Think  nought,  in  *< perusing  and  settling"  the  titles, 
80  safe  as  six  inches  of  steel  in  the  vitals. 

Now  don't  make  a  joke  of 
That  feeling  I  spoke  of; 


16  A  legi:nt>  of  france 

For,  as  sure  as  you're  born,  that  same  feeling, — whate'ei 
It  may  be,  —  saves  the  life  of  the  young  Mousquetaire ! — 
The  knife  that  was  levell'd,  erewhile  at  his  throat, 
Is  employ'd  now  in  ripping  the  lace  from  his  coat. 
And  from  what,  I  suppose,  I  must  call  his  culotte  ; 

And  his  pockets,  ho  doubt, 

Being  turn'd  inside  out, 
That  his  mouchoir  and  gloves  may  be  put  "up  the  &pout,** 
(For  of  coin,  you  may  well  conceive,  all  she  can  do 
Fails  to  ferret  out  even  a  single  ^cu  ;) 
As  a  muscular  Giant  would  handle  an  elf, 
The  virago  at  last  lifts  the  soldier  himself, 
And,  like  a  She-Sampson,  at  length  lays  him  down 
In  a  hospital  form'd  in  the  neighbouring  town ! 

I  am  not  very  sure, 

But  I  think  'twas  Namur ; 
And  there  she  now  leaves  him,  expecting  a  cure. 


I  ABOMINATE  physic — I  Care  not  who  knows 

That  there's  nothing  on  earth  I  detest  like  "a  dose"— 

That  yellowish-green-looking  fluid,  whose  hue 

I  consider  extremely  unpleasant  to  view, 

With  its  sickly  appearance,  that  trenches  so  near 

On  what  Homer  defines  the  complexion  of  Fear ; 

XXuipol/  6eoi,  I  mean, 

A  nasty  pale  green, 
hough  for  want  of  some  word  that  may  better  avail, 
I  presume,  our  translators  have  rendered  it  "pale;" 

For  consider  the  cheeks 

Of  those  "well-booted  Greeks," 
Their  Egyptian  descent  was  a  question  of  weeks ; 
Their  complexion,  of  course,  like  a  half-decay'd  leek's.. 
And  you'll  see  in  an  instant  the  thing  that  I  mean  in  ik 
A  Greek  face  in  a  funk  had  a  good  deal  of  green  iu  it. 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  17 

r  repeat,  I  abominate  physic  ;  but  then, 

If  folks  will  go  campaigning  about  with  such  men 

As  the  Great  Prince  de  Cond^,  and  Marshal  Turenne. 

They  may  fairly  expect 

To  be  now  and  then  check 'd 
By  a  bullet,  or  sabre-cut.     Then  their  best  solace  is 
Found,  I  admit,  in  green  potions,  and  boluses ; 

So,  of  course,  I  don't  blame 

St.  Foix,  wounded  and  lame, 
[f  he  swallowed  a  decent  quant,  suff.  of  the  same ; 
Though  I'm  told,  in  such  cases,  it's  not  the  French  plan 
To  pour  in  their  drastics  as  fast  as  they  can, 
The  practice  of  many  an  English  Savan, 

But  to  let  off  a  man 

With  a  little  plimnne. 
And  gently  to  chafe  the  patella  (knee-pan). 

"Oh,  woman!"  Sir  Walter  observes,  "when  the  brow 
's  wrung  with  pain,  what  a  minist'ring  Angel  art  thou !" 
Thou'rt  a  "minist'ring  Angel"  in  no  less  degree, 
I  can  boldly  assert,  when  the  pain's  in  the  knee; 

And  medical  friction 

Is,  past  contradiction. 
Much  better  performed  by  a  She  than  a  He. 
A  fact  which,  indeed,  comes  within  my  own  knowledge, 
For  I  well  recollect,  when  a  youngster  at  College, 

And,  therefore,  can  quote 

A  surgeon  of  note, 
Mr.  Grosvenor  of  Oxford,  who  not  only  wrote 
On  the  subject  a  very  fine  treatise,  but,  still  as  his 
Vatients  came  in,  certain  soft-handed  Phyllises 
Were  at  once  set  to  work  on  their  legs,  arms,  and  bac  vs. 
And  rubbed  out  their  complaints  in  a  couple  of  cracks.— 

Now,  they  say. 

To  this  day. 
When  sick  people  can't  pay 


18  A    LEGEND    OF    FRANCE. 

On  tlie  Continent,  many  of  this  kind  of  nurs.  i. 

Attend,  "without  any  demand  on  their  purses ; 

And  these  females,  some  old,  others  still  in  their  teens, 

Some  call  '*  Sisters  of  Charity,"  others  "Beguines." 

They  don't  take  the  vows ;  but,  half-Nun  and  half-Lay, 

Attend  you ;  and  when  you  've  got  better,  they  say, 

*'  You  're  exceedingly  welcome !     There 's  nothing  to  pay. 

Our  task  is  now  done. 

You  are  able  to  run. 
We  never  take  money ;  we  cure  you  for  fun !" 
Then  they  drop  you  a  court'sy,  and  wish  you  good  day, 
And  go  off  to  cure  somebody  else  the  same  way. 
— A  great  many  of  these,  at  the  date  of  my  tale, 
In  Namur  walk'd  the  hospitals,  workhouse,  and  jail. 

Among  them  was  one, 

A  most  sweet  Demi-nun. 
Her  cheek  pensive  and  pale ;  tresses  bright  as  the  sun, — 
Not  carroty — no ;  though  you  'd  fancy  you  saw  burn 
Such  locks  as  the  Greeks  lov'd,  which  moderns  call  auburn. 
These  were  partially  seen  through  the  veil  which  they  wore  all ; 
Her  teeth  were  of  peax-l,  and  her  lips  were  of  coral : 
Her  eyelashes  silken ;  her  eyes,  fine  large  blue  ones. 
Were  sapphires  (I  don't  call  these  similes  new  ones ; 
But,  in  metaphors,  freely  confess  I  've  a  leaning 
To  such,  new  or  old,  as  convey  best  one's  meaning)  — 
Then,  for  figure  ?     In  faith  it  was  downright  barbarity 

To  muffle  a  form 

Might  sin  anchorite  warm 
In  the  fusty  stuff'  gown  of  a  Sceur  de  la  Charite ; 
And  no  poet  could  fancy,  no  painter  could  draw 
One  mort  perfect  in  all  points,  more  free  from  a  flaw. 
Than  her  s  who  now  sits  by  the  couch  of  St.  Foix, 
Chafing  there. 
With  such  care, 

And  so  dove-like  an  air, 


TUE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAlRE.  i9 

His  leg,  till  her  delicate  fingers  are  charr'd 
With  the  Steer's  opodeldoc,  joint-oil,  and  goulard 
—  Their  Dutch  appellations  are  really  too  hard 
To  be  brought  into  verse  bj  a  transmarine  Bard.  — 

Now  you  '11  see, 
And  agree, 

I  am  certain,  with  me, 
When  a  young  man 's  laid  up  with  a  wound  in  his  knee: 

And  a  Lady  sits  there, 

On  a  rush-bottom'd  chair, 
To  hand  him  the  mixtures  his  doctors  prepare. 
And  a  bit  of  lump-sugar  to  make  matters  square ; 
Above  all,  when  the  Lady 's  remarkably  fair, 
And  the  wounded  young  man  is  a  gay  Mousquetaire, 
It 's  a  ticklish  affair,  you  may  swear,  for  the  pair. 
And  may  lead  on  to  mischief  before  they  're  aware. 

I  really  don't  think,  spite  of  what  friends  would  call  his 

"  Penchant  for  liasons,^^  and  graver  men  "  follies," 

(For  my  own  part,  I  think  planting  thorns  on  their  pillows, 

And  leaving  poor  maidens  to  weep  and  wear  willows. 

Is  not  to  be  classed  among  mere  peccadillos), 

His  '^ faults,"  I  should  say — I  don't  think  Fran9ois  Xavicr 

Entertaiu'd  any  thoughts  of  improper  behaviour 

Tow'rds  his  nurse,  or  that  once  to  induce  her  to  sin  he  meant 

While  superintending  his  draughts  and  his  liniment. 

But,  as  he  grew  stout, 

And  was  getting  about, 
Thoughts  came  into  his  head  that  had  better  been  out ; 
.  While  Cupid's  an  urchin 

We  know  deserves  birching, 
He's  so  prone  to  delude  folks,  and  leave  them  the  lurch  in 

'Twas  doubtless  his  doing 

That  absolute  ruin 
Was  the  end  of  all  poor  dear  Therese's  sliampooiug. — ■ 


20  A    LEGEND    OF    FRANCE. 

'Tis  a  subject  I  don't  like  to  dwell  on :  but  such 

Things  will  huppen  —  ay,  e'en  'mongst  the  phlegmatic  Dutch. 

"When  Woman,"  as  Goldsmith  declares,  "stoops  to  folly. 
And  finds  out  too  late  that  false  man  can  betray," 

She  is  apt  to  look  dismal,  and  grow  "  melan-choly," 
And,  in  short,  to  be  anything  rather  than  gay. 

He  goes  on  to  remark  that  "  to  punish  her  lover. 
Wring  his  bosom,  and  di-aw  the  tear  into  his  eye, 

There  is  but  one  method"  which  he  can  discover 
That's  likely  to  answer — that  one  is  "to  die!" 

He's  wrong  —  the  wan  and  withering  cheek; 

The  thin  lips,  pale,  and  drawn  apart ; 
The  dim  yet  tearless  eyes,  that  speak 

The  misery  of  the  breaking  heart; 

The  wasted  form,  th'  enfeebled  tone 

That  whispering  mocks  the  pitying  car ; 

Th'  imploring  glances  heaven-ward  thrown, 
As  heedless,  helpless,  hopeless  here; 

These  wring  the  false  one's  heart  enough, 
If  "made  of  penetrable  stuff." 

And  poor  Therese 

Thus  pines  and  decays, 
Til-,  stung  with  remorse,  St.  Foix  takes  a  post-chaise 

With,  for  "wheelers,"  two  bays, 

And,  for  leaders,"  two  greys. 
And  soon  reaches  France,  by  the  help  of  relays, 
Flying  shabbily  off  from  the  sight  of  his  victim. 
And  diuving  as  fast  as  if  Old  Nick  had  kick'd  him. 

She,  poor  sinnner 

Grows  thinner  and  thinner. 
Leaves  off  eating  breakfast,  and  luncheon,  and  dinner, 
Till  you  'd  really  suppose  she  could  have  nothing  in  her. — 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  21 

One  evening — 'hvas  just  as  the  clock  struck  eleven  — 
They  saw  she  'd  been  sinking  fast  ever  since  seven, — 
She  breath'd  one  deep  sigh,  threw  one  look  up  to  Heaven, 

And  all  was  o'er !  — 

Poor  Therese  was  no  more  — 
She  was  gone ! — the  last  breath  that  she  managed  to  draw 
Escaped  in  one  half-utter'd  word — 'twas  "St.  Foix!" 

*  *  -x-  *  ^  * 

Who  can  fly  from  himself?     Bitter  cares,  when  you  feel  'cm, 

Are  not  cured  by  travel  —  as  Horace  says,  "  Coblum 

Non  animum  mutant  qui  currunt  trans  mare.'" 

It 's  climate,  not  mind,  that  by  roaming  men  vary  — 

Remorse  for  temptation  to  which  you  have  yielded,  is 

A  shadow  you  can't  sell  as  Peter  Schlemil  did  his ; 

It  haunts  you  for  ever — in  bed  and  at  board. — 

Ay,  e'en  in  your  dreams. 

And  you  can't  find,  it  seems, 
Any  proof  that  a  guilty  man  ever  yet  snored ! 
It  is  much  if  he  slumbers  at  all,  which  but  fcAV, 
— Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste  was  an  instance — can  do. 

Indeed,  from  the  time 

He  committed  the  crime 
Which  cut  off  poor  sister  Therese  in  her  prime, 
lie  was  not  the  same  man  that  he  had  been  —  his  plan 
Was  quite  changed — in  wild  freaks  he  no  more  led  the  van  ; 

He'd  scarce  sleep  a  wink  in 

A  week;   but  sit  thinking. 

From  company  shrinking  — 

He  quite  gave  up  drinking. 
At  the  mess-table,  too,  where  now  seldom  he  came. 
Fish,  fricasse,  fricandeau,  potage,  or  game, 
Dindon  aux  trujfes,  or  turhot  d,  la  creme, 
No  ! — he  still  shook  his  head, — it  was  always  the  same, 
Still  he  never  complain'd  that  the  cook  was  to  blame ! 
'Twas  his  appetite  fail'd  him  —  no  matter  how  rare 


22  A    LEGEND    OF    FRANCE, 

And  recherche  the  dish,  how  delicious  the  fare, — 
What  he  used  to  like  best  he  no  longer  could  bear ; 

But  he'd  there  sit  and  stare 

With  an  air  of  despair: 

Took  no  care,  but  would  wear 

Boots  that  wanted  repair; 
Such  a  shirt  too !  you  'd  think  he  'd  no  linen  to  spare 
He  omitted  to  shave ;  — he  neglected  his  hair, 
And  look'd  more  like  a  Guy  than  a  gay  Mousquetaire 

One  thing,  above  all,  most  excited  remark  : 
In  the  evening  he  seldom  sat  long  after  dark. 
Not  that  then,  as  of  yore,  he'd  go  ont  for  " a  lark 

With  his  friends;  but  when  they, 

After  taking  caf6 
Would  have  broiled  bones  and  kidneys  brought  in  on  >k  Cray, 
— Which  I  own  I  consider  a  very  good  way. 
If  a  man 's  not  dyspeptic,  to  wind  up  the  day — 
No  persuasion  on  earth  could  induce  him  to  stay ; 
But  he'd  take  up  his  candlestick,  just  nod  his  head 
By  way  of  "Good  evening!"  and  walk  off  to  bed. 
Yet  even  when  there  he  seem'd  no  better  off. 
For  he'd  wheeze,  and  he'd  sneeze,  and  he'd  hem  I  and  he'd 
cough ; 

And  they'd  hear  him  all  night, 

Sometimes,  sobbing  outright, 
While  his  valet,  who  often  endeavour'd  to  peep. 
Declared  that  "  his  master  was  never  asleep ! 
But  would  sigh,  and  would  groan,  slap  his  forehead,  and  weep ; 

That  about  ten  o'clock 

His  door  he  would  lock, 
And  then  never  would  open  it,  let  who  would  knock ! — 

He  had  heard  him,"  he  said, 

**  Sometimes  jump  out  of  bed, 
And  talk  as  if  speaking  to  one  who  was  dead ! 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  23 

He'd  groan,  and  he'd  moan, 

In  so  piteous  a  tone, 
Begging  some  one  or  other  to  let  him  alone, 
That  it  really  would  soften  the  heart  of  a  stone 
To  hear  him  exclaim  so,  and  call  upon  Heaven 
Then — The  bother  began  always  just  at  eleven  T' 

Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste,  as  I've  told  you  before 
I  believe,  was  a  popular  man  in  his  corps^ 

And  his  comrades,  not  one 

Of  whom  knew  of  the  Nun, 
Now  began  to  consult  what  was  best  to  be  done. 

Count  Cordon  Bleu 

And  the  Sieur  de  la  Roue 
Confess'd  they  did  not  know  at  all  what  to  do: 
But  the  Chevalier  Hippolyte  Hector  Achille 
Alphonse  Stanislaus  Emile  de  Grandville 

Made  a  fervent  appeal 

To  the  zeal  they  must  feel 
For  their  friend,  so  distinguish'd  an  officer,  's  weal, 
"  The  first  thing,"  he  said,  "  was  to  find  out  the  matter 
That  bored  their  poor  friend  so,  and  caused  all  this  clatter — 

Mort  de  ma  vie!" 

—  Here  he  took  some  rappee  — 
"  Be  the  cause  what  it  may,  he  shall  tell  it  to  me !" —  . 
He  was  right,  sure  enough — in  a  couple  of  days 
He  worms  out  the  whole  story  of  Sister  Therese, 
Now  entomb'd,  poor  dear  soul!  in  some  Dutch  Phre  la  Chaht 
— "  But  the  worst  thing  of  all,"  Fran9ois  Xavier  declares, 
"  Is,  whenever  I've  taken  my  candle  up  stairs. 
There's  Therese  sitting  there — upon  one  of  those  chairs! 

Such  a  frown,  too,  she  wears, 

And  so  frightfully  glares. 
That  I'm  really  prevented  from  saying  my  pray'rs, 
While  an  odour,  —  the  very  reverse  of  perfume, — 
More  like  rhubarb  or  senna, — pervades  the  whole  room!" 


24  A    LEGEND    CF    FRANCE. 

Hector  Achille 

Stanislaus  Emile, 
When  he  heard  him  talk  so  felt  an  odd  sort  of  feel ; 
Not  that  he  cared  for  Ghosts  —  he  was  far  too  genteel; 
Still  a  queerish  sensation  came  on  when  he  saw 

Him,  whom,  for  fun, 

They'd,  by  way  of  a  pun 
On  his  person  and  principles,  nick-named  Sans  Foi, 

A  man  whom  they  had,  you  see, 

Mark'd  as  a  Sadducee, — 
In  his  horns,  all  at  once,  so  completely  to  draw, 
And  to  talk  of  a  Ghost  with  such  manifest  awe ! — 
It  excited  the  Chevalier  Grandville's  surprise ; 
He  shi-ugg'd  up  his  shoulders,  he  turn'd  up  his  eyes. 
And  he  thought  with  himself  that  he  could  not  do  les* 
Than  lay  me  whole  matter  before  the  whole  Mess. 

Repetition's  detestable; — 

So,  as  you're  best  able 
Paint  to  yourself  the  eiFect  at  the  Mess-table — 

How  the  bold  Brigadiers 

Prick'd  up  their  ears. 
And  received  the  account,  some  with  fears,  some  with  sneers; 

How  the  Sieur  de  la  Roue 

Said  to  Count  Cordon  Bleu, 
'■'■Mafoi — c^esl  Men  drole  —  Monseigneur,  what  say  you?" — 

How  Count  Cordon  Bleu 

Declared  he  "  thought  so  too ;" — 
How  the  Colonel  affirm'd  that  "  the  case  was  quite  new ;" — 

How  the  Captains  and  Majors 

Began  to  lay  wagers 
How  far  the  Ghost  part  of  the  story  was  true ; — 
How,  at  last,  when  ask'd  "  What  was  the  best  tiling  to  do  ?" 
Everybody  was  silent,  — for  nobody  knew ! — 
And  how,  in  the  end,  they  saicJ,  "  No  one  could  deal 
With  the  matter  so  well,  from  his  prudence  and  :^al, 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  2> 

As  the  Gentleman  who  was  the  fii'st  to  reveal 
This  strange  story  —  viz.  Hippolyte  Hector  Achille 
Alpbonse  Stanislaus  Emile  de  Grandville!" 

I  need  scarcely  relate 

The  plans,  little  and  great, 
Which  came  into  the  Chevalier  Hippolyte's  pate, 
To  rescue  his  friend  from  his  terrible  foes. 
Those  mischievous  Imps,  whom  the  world,  I  suppose 
From  extravagant  notions  respecting  their  hue, 
lias  strangely  agreed  to  denominate  "  Blue," 
Inasmuch  as  his  schemes  were  of  no  more  avail 
Than  those  he  had,  early  in  life,  found  to  fail, 
When  he  strove  to  lay  salt  on  some  little  bird's  tail. 

In  vain  did  he  try 

With  strong  waters  to  ply 
Ills  friend,  on  the  ground  that  he  never  could  spy 
Such  a  thing  as  a  Ghost,  with  a  drop  in  his  eye ; 
St.  Foix  never  would  drink  now  unless  he  was  dry ; 
Besides,  what  the  vulgar  call  "sucking  the  monkey' 
Has  much  less  effect  on  a  man  when  he 's  funky. 
In  vain  did  he  strive  to  detain  him  at  table 
Till  his  "dark  hour"  was  over  —  he  never  was  able, 

Save  once,  when  at  Mess, 

With  that  sort  of  address 
Which  the  British  call  "Humbug,"  and  Frenchmen  •-  Finesse," 
(It's  "Blarney"  in  Irish  —  I  don't  know  the  Scotch,) 
He  fell  to  admiring  his  friend's  English  watch.* 

He  examined  the  face, 

And  the  back  of  the  case. 
And  the  young  Lady's  portrait  there,  done  on  enamel,  he 
"  Saw  by  the  likeness  was  one  of  the  family ;" 

Cried  ^'■Superhe !  —  Magnifique  /" 

(AVith  his  tongue  in  his  cheek) - 
Then  he  opened  the  case,  just  to  take  a  peep  in  it,  aud 
Sftized  the  occasion  to  pop  back  the  minute-hand. 
*  "Tompion's,  I  presume ?"  —  Farquuvr. 


20  A    LEGEND    OF    FRANCE. 

With  a  devcii-conffd,  and  a  shrug,  and  a  grin,  lie 
Returns  the  bijou  and  —  c^est  une  affaire  finie  — 
"I've  done  him,"  thinks  he,  "now,  I'll  wager  a  guinea!" 

It  happen'd  that  day 

They  were  all  very  gay, 
'Twas  the  Grand  Monarque\i  birthday — that  is,  'twas  St.  Louis'; 
Which  in  Catholic  countries,  of  course,  they  would  view  as  his- 

So  when  Hippolyte  saw 

Him  about  to  withdraw, 
He  cried,  "  Come — that  won't  do,  my  fine  fellow,  St.  Foix, — 
Give  us  five  minutes  longer  and  drink  Vive  le  Roi" 

Francois  Xavier  Auguste, 

Without  any  mistrust 
Of  the  trick  that  was  play'd,  drew  his  watch  from  his  fol). 
Just  glanced  at  the  hour,  then  agreed  to  "hob-nob," 

Fill'd  a  bumper,  and  rose 

With  "Messieurs,  I  propose  —  " 
He  paused — his  blanch'd  lips  fail'd  to  utter  the  toast! 
'Twas  eleven!  —  he  thought  it  half-past  ten  at  most  — 
Ev'ry  limb,  nerve,  and  muscle  grew  stiff  as  a  post, — 

His  jaw  dropp'd  —  his  eyes 

Swell'd  to  twice  their  own  size  — 
And  he  stood  as  a  pointer  would  stand  —  at  a  Ghost! 
—  Then  shriek'd,  as  he  fell  on  the  floor  like  a  stone. 
♦'  Ah !  Sister  Therese !  now  —  do  let  me  alone !" 


It 's  amazing  by  sheer  perseverance  what  men  do, — 

As  water  wears  stone  by  the  "  Scepe  Cadendo," 

If  they  stick  to  Lord  Somebody's  motto,  "  Agendo  ! 

Was  it  not  Robert  Bruce?  —  I  declai'e  T  've  forgot. 

But  I  think  it  was  Robert  —  you '11  find  it  in  Scott  — 

Who,  when  cursing  Dame  Fortune,  was  taught  by  a  Spider, 

*'  She  *s  sure  to  come  round,  if  you  will  but  abide  her.'' 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  27 

Then  another  gi-eat  Rob, 

Called  "White-lieadcd  Bob," 
Whom  I  once  saw  receive  such  a  thump  on  the  "not" 
From  a  fist  which  might  almost  an  elephant  brain, 
That  I  really  believed,  at  the  first,  he  was  slain. 
For  he  lay  like  a  log  on  his  back  on  the  plain, 
Till  a  gentleman  present  accustom'd  to  train. 
Drew  out  a  small  lancet,  and  open'd  a  vein 
Just  below  his  left  eye,  which  relieving  the  pain, 
He  stood  up,  like  a  trump,  with  an  air  of  disdain, 

While  his  "backer"  was  fain, 

—  For  he  could  not  refrain  — 
(He  was  dress'd  in  pea-green,  with  a  pin  and  gold  chain, 
And  I  think  I  heard  somebody  call  him  "Squire  Hayne.") 
To  whisper  ten  words  one  should  always  retain, 
—  "Take  A  SUCK  AT  the  lemon,  and  at  him  again!!'" 
A  hint  ne'er  surpass'd,  though  thus  spoken  at  random. 
Since  Teucer's  apostrophe  —  Nil  desperandum .'  — 
— Grandville  acted  on  it,  and  order'd  his  Tandem. 

He  had  heard  St.  Foix  say, 

That  no  very  great  way 
From  Namur  was  a  snug  little  town  called  Grandpr^, 
Near  which,  a  few  miles  from  the  banks  of  the  Maese, 
Dwelt  a  pretty  twin-sister  of  poor  dear  Ther^se, 
Of  the  same  age,  of  course,  the  same  father,  the  same  moth*  /, 
And  as  like  to  Therese  as  one  pea  to  another ; 

She  liv'd  with  her  Mamma, 

Having  lost  her  Papa, 
Late  of  contraband  schnaps  an  unlicensed  distiller, 
And  her  name  was  Des  Moulins  (in  English,  Miss  Miller). 

Now,  though  Hippolyte  Hector 

Could  hardly  expect  her 
To  feel  much  regard  for  her  sister's  "  protector," 
When  she  'd  seen  him  so  shamefully  leave  and  neglect  her ; 


28  A   LEGEND   OF   FRANCE. 

Still,  he  very  well  knew 

In  this  world  there  are  few 
But  are  ready  much  Christian  forgiveness  to  shew, 
For  other  folk's  wrongs  —  if  well  paid  so  to  do  — 
And  he  'd  seen  to  what  acts  <'  Hes  angustce'^  compel  hraux 
And  belles,  whose  affairs  have  once  got  out  at  elbows. 
With  the  magic  effect  of  a  handful  of  crowns 
Upon  people  whose  pockets  boast  nothing  but  "  browns  :'* 

A  few  francs  well  applied 

He  'd  no  doubt  would  decide 
Miss  Agnes  Des  Moulins  to  jump  up  and  ride 
As  far  as  head-quarters,  next  day,  by  his  side; 
For  the  distance  was  nothing,  to  speak  by  comparison. 
To  the  town  where  the  Mousquetaires  now  lay  in  garrison ; 

Then  he  thought,  by  the  aid 

Of  a  veil,  and  gown  made 
Like  those  worn  by  the  lady  his  friend  had  betray'd, 
They  might  dress  up  Miss  Agnes  so  like  to  the  Shade, 
Which  he  fixncied  he  saw,  of  that  poor  injured  maid, 
Come  each  night,  with  her  pale  face,  his  guilt  to  upbraid  ; 
That  if  once  introduced  to  his  room,  thus  array 'd, 
And  then  unmask'd  as  soon  as  she  'd  long  enough  stay'd, 
'T would  be  no  very  difficult  task  to  persuade 
Him  the  whole  was  a  scurvy  trick,  cleverly  play'd, 
Out  of  spite  and  revenge,  by  a  mischievous  jade ! 

With  respect  to  the  scheme — though  I  do  not  call  that  a  gem- 
Still  1  've  known  soldiers  adopt  a  worse  stratagem. 
And  that,  too,  among  the  decided  approvers 
Of  General  Sir  David  Dundas's  "Manoeuvres." 

There  's  a  proverb,  however, 

I've  always  thought  clever. 
Which  my  Grandmother  never  was  tired  of  repeating 
"The  proof  of  the  Pudding  is  found  in  the  eating!  '* 
We  shall  see,  in  the  sequel,  how  Hector  Achille 
Had  roix'd  up  the  suet  and  plums  for  Ms  meal. 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  5 

The  night  had  set  in ;  — 'twas  a  dark  and  a  gloomy  one  ;— 
Off  went  St.  Foix  to  his  chamber ;  a  roomy  one 

Five  stories  high, 

The  first  floor  from  the  sky, 
And  lofty  enough  to  afford  great  facility 
For  playing  a  game,  with  the  youthful  nobility 

Of  "crack  corps"  a  deal  in 

Bequest,  when  they're  feeling, 
In  dull  country  quarters,  ennui  on  them  stealing ; 

A  wet  wafer 's  applied 

To  a  sixpence's  side. 
Then  it's  spun  with  the  thumb  up  to  stick  on  the  ceiling: 
[ntellectual  amusement,  which  custom  allows  old  troops, — 
I  've  seen  it  here  practised  at  home  by  our  Household  troops. 

He'd  a  table,  and  bed, 

And  three  chairs ;  and  all 's  said. — 
A  bachelor's  barrack,  where'er  you  discern  it,  you're 
Sure  not  to  find  overburthen'd  with  furniture. 

Frangois  Xavier  Auguste  lock'd  and  bolted  his  door 
With  just  the  same  caution  he'd  practised  before; 

Little  he  knew 

That  the  Count  Cordon  Bleu, 
With  Hector  Achille,  and  the  Sieur  de  la  Roue, 
Had  been  up  there  before  him,  and  drawn  ev'ry  screw ! 

And  now  comes  the  moment  —  the  watches  and  clocks 

All  point  to  eleven!  —  the  bolts  and  the  locks 

Give  way  —  and  the  party  turn  out  their  bag-fox! — 

With  a  step  noiseless  and  light, 

Though  half  in  a  fright, 
**  A  cup  in  her  left  hand,  a  draught  in  her  right," 
In  her  robe  long  and  black,  and  her  veil  long  and  white 
Ma'amselle  Agnes  des  Moulins  walks  in  as  a  sprite  ! — 

She  approaches  the  bed 

With  the  same  silent  tread 
Just  as  though  she  had  been  at  least  half  a  year  dead! 


iO  A    LEGEND    OF    FIIANCE. 

Then  seating  herself  on  the  "rusli-bottom'd  chair,'* 
Throws  a  cold  stony  glance  on  the  Black  Mousquetaire. 

If  you're  one  of  the  "play-going  public,"  kind  readei, 
And  not  a  Moravian  or  rigid  Seccder, 
You've  seen  Mr.  Kean, 
I  mean  in  that  scene 
Of  Macbeth, — by  some  thought  the  crack  one  of  the  piece 
Which  has  been  so  well  painted  by  Mr.  M'Clisc, — 
"When  he  wants,  after  having  stood  up  to  say  grace,* 
To  sit  down  to  his  haggis,  and  can't  find  a  place ; 

You  remember  his  stare 

At  the  high-back'd  arm-chair, 
Where  the  Ghost  sits  that  nobody  else  knows  is  there, 
And  how,  after  saying  "  What  man  dares  I  dare !" 

He  proceeds  to  declare 

He  should  not  so  much  care 
If  it  came  in  the  shape  of  a  "tiger"  or  "bear," 
But  he  don't  like  it  shaking  its  long  gory  hair ! 
While  the  obstinate  Ghost,  as  determined  to  brave  him, 

With  a  horrible  grin, 

Sits,  and  cocks  up  his  chin. 
Just  as  though  he  was  asking  the  tyrant  to  shave  him. 

And  Lennox  and  Rosse 

Seem  quite  at  a  loss 
If  they  ought  to  go  on  with  their  sheep's  head  and  sauce ; 
And  Lady  Macbeth  looks  uncommonly  cross. 

And  says  in  a  huff 

It's  all  "Proper  stuff!"— 
All  this  you'll  have  seen,  Reader,  often  enougli; 
So,  perhaps  'twill  assist  you  in  forming  some  notion 
Of  what  must  have  been  Frangois  Xaviei*'s  emotion 

If  you  fancy  what  troubled 

Macbeth  to  be  doubled, 

*  May  good  digestion  wait  on  appetite, 
And  health  on  both. — Macbeth. 


THE    BLACK    MOUSQUETAIRE.  31 

And,  instead  of  one  Banquo  to  stare  in  his  face 
Without  "speculation,"  suppose  he'd  a  brace  ' 

I  wish  I'd  poor  Fuseli's  pencil,  Avho  ne'er  I  bel- 
ieve was  exceeded  in  painting  the  terrible, 

Or  that  of  Sir  Joshua 

Reynolds,  who  was  so  a- 
droit  in  depicting  it — vide  his  piece 
Descriptive  of  Cardinal  Beaufort's  decease, 

Where  that  prelate  is  lying 

Decidedly  dying, 

With  the  King  and  his  suile, 

Standing  just  at  his  feet. 
And  his  hands,  as  Dame  Quickly  says,  fumbling  the  shetst 
While,  close  at  his  ear,  with  the  air  of  a  scorner, 
*'  Busy,  meddling,"  Old  Nick's  grinning  up  in  the  corner. 
But  painting's  an  art  I  confess  I  am  raw  in. 
The  fact  is,  I  never  took  lessons  in  drawing, 

Had  I  done  so,  instead 

Of  the  lines  you  have  read, 
I'd  have  giv'n  you' a  sketch  should  have  fiU'd  you  with  dread; 
Fran9ois  Xavier  Auguste  squatting  up  in  his  bed. 

His  hands  widely  spread. 

His  complexion  like  lead, 
Ev'ry  hair  that  he  has  standing  up  on  his  head. 
As  when,  Agnes  des  Moulins  first  catching  his  view, 
Now  right,  and  now  left,  rapid  glances  he  threw, 
Then  shriek'd  with  a  wild  and  unearthly  halloo, 

''  Mon  Dieu  !  v'la  deux  !  1 

By  the  Pope  there  are  two  ! ! ! " 

He  fell  back  —  one  long  aspiration  he  drew, 

In  flew  De  la  Roue, 

And  Count  Cordon  Bleu, 
Pommade,  Pomme-de-terre,  and  the  rest  of  their  crew. 
He  i?tirr'd  not, — ho  s^olcc  not. — he  none  of  them  knew. 


32 


A    LEGEND    OF    FRANCE, 


And  Achille  cried  "Odzooks! 
I  fear,  by  his  looks, 
Our  friend,  Fran9ois  Xavier,  lias  popp'd  off  the  hooks !" 

'Twas  too  true 

Malheureux  !  ! 
It  was  done! — he  had  ended  his  earthly  career, — 
He  had  gone  off  at  once  with  a  flea  in  his  ear ; 
—  The  Black  Mousquetaire  was  as  dead  as  Sniall-becr !  I 

Sa'iEnfaog. 

A  moral  more  in  point  I  scarce  could  hope 

Than  this,  from  Mr.  Alexander  Pope. 

If  ever  chance  should  bring  some  Cornet  gay, 

And  pious  Maid,  —  as,  possibly,  it  may.  — 

From  Knightsbridge  Barracks,  and  the  fshados  sere  no 

Of  Clapham  Rise,  as  far  as  Kensal  Green  : 

O'er  some  pale  marble  when  they  join  tlieir  heads 

To  kiss  the  falling  tears  each  other  sheds ; 

Oh!  may  they  pause!  —  and  think,  in  silent  awe, 

Ke,  that  he  reads  the  words,  "  Ci  git  St.  FoixV 

She,  that  the  tombstone  which  her  eye  surveys 

Bears  this  sad  line,  —  Ilicjacet  Sceur  ThereseT^ 

Then  shall  they  sigh,  and  weep,  and  murmuring  say, 

"  Oh  !  may  we  never  play  such  tricks  as  they !" — 

And  if  at  such  a  time  some  Bard  there  be, 

Some  sober  Bard,  addicted  much  to  tea 

And  sentimental  song  —  like  Ingoldsby  — 

If  such  there  be  —  who  sings  and  sips  so  well, 

Let  him  this  sad,  this  tender  story  tell ! 

Warn'd  by  the  tale,  the  gentle  pair  shall  boast, 

"I've  'scaped  the  Broken  Heart!"  — "and  I  the  Ghost!!' 


SIR    RUPERT    THE    FEARLESS.  33 

The  next  in  order  of  these  "  lays  of  many  lands*' 
refers  to  a  a  period  far  earlier  in  point  of  date,  and  has 
for  its  scene  the  banks  of  what  our  Teutonic  friends 
are  wont  to  call  their  ''  own  imperial  River !"  The 
incidents  which  it  records  afford  sufl5cient  proof  (and 
these  are  days  of  demonstration),  that  a  propensity  to 
flirtation  is  not  confined  to  age  or  country,  and  that  its 
consequences  were  not  less  disastrous  to  the  mail-clad 
R'itter  of  the  dark  ages  than  to  the  silken  courtier  of 
the  seventeenth  century.  The  whole  narrative  bears 
about  it  the  stamp  of  truth,  and  from  the  papers  among 
which  it  was  discovered  I  am  inclined  to  think  it  must 
have  been  picked  up  by  Sir  Peregrine  in  the  course  of 
one  of  his  valetudinary  visits  to  ''The  German  Spa.'' 


SIR  RUPERT  THE  FEARLESS. 

A    LFXiEND    OF    GERMANY. 

Sir  RurEKT  the  Fearless,  a  gallant  young  knight, 
Was  equally  ready  to  tipple  or  fight, 

Crack  a  crown,  or  a  bottle, 

Cut  sirloin,  or  throttle; 
In  brief,  or  as  Hume  says,  "to  sum  iip  the  tottle," 
Unstain'd  by  dishonour,  unsullied  by  fear, 
All  his  neighbours  pronounced  him  njn-eux  chevalier. 

Despite  these  perfections,  corporeal  and  mental. 
He  had  one  slight  defect,  viz.  a  rather  lean  rental ; 
Besides,  as  'tis  own'd  there  are  spots  in  the  sun, 
So  it  must  be  confesp'd  that  Sir  Rupert  had  one; 


34  A    LEGEND    OF    GERMANY. 

Being  rather  unthinking, 

He  'd  scarce  sleep  a  wink  in 
A  night,  but  addict  himself  sadly  to  drinking, 

And  what  moralists  say, 

Is  as  naughty  —  to  play, 
To  Rouge  et  Noir,  Hazard,  Short  Whist,  EcartS ; 
Till  these,  and  a  few  less  defensible  fancies 
Brought  the  Knight  to  the  end  of  his  slender  finances. 

When  at  length  through  his  boozing, 

And  tenants  refusing 
Their  rents,  swearing  "  times  were  so  bad  they  were  losin;;,*' 

His  steward  said,  "0,  sir, 

It's  some  time  ago,  sir, 
Since  aught  through  my  hands  reach'd  the  baker  or  grocer. 
And  the  tradesmen  in  general  are  grown  great  complainers" 
Sir  Rupert  the  brave  thus  addressed  his  retainers; 

"  My  friends,  since  the  stock 

Of  my  father's  old  hock 
Is  out,  with  the  Kiirchwasser,  Barsac,  Moselle, 
And  we  're  fairly  reduced  to  the  pump  and  the  well, 

I  presume  to  suggest. 

We  shall  all  find  it  best 
For  each  to  shake  hands  with  his  friends  ere  he  goes, 
Mount  his  horse,  if  he  has  one,  and  —  follow  his  nose 

As  to  me,  I  opine. 

Left  sans  money  or  wine, 
My  best  way  is  to  throw  myself  into  the  Ehine, 
Where  pitying  trav'lers  may  sigh,  as  they  cross  over, 
'Though  he  lived  a  rou6,  yet  he  died  a  philosopher.' '' 

The  Knight,  having  bow'd  out  his  friends  thus  politely, 
Got  into  his  skiff,  the  full  moon  shining  brightly. 

By  the  light  of  whose  beam, 

He  soon  spied  on  the  stream 
A  dame,  whose  complexion  was  fair  as  new  cream , 


SIR   EUPERT    THE    FEARLESS.  35 

Pretty  pink  silken  hose 

Cover'd  ankles  and  toes, 
In  other  respects  she  was  scanty  of  clothes ; 
For,  so  says  tradition,  both  written  and  oral, 
Her  one  garment  was  loop'd  up  with  bunches  of  coral 

Full  sweetly  she  sang  to  a  sparkling  guitar. 
With  silver  chords  stretch'd  over  Derbyshire  spar, 

And  she  smiled  on  the  Knight, 

Who,  amazed  at  the  sight. 
Soon  foupd  his  astonishment  merged  in  delight ; 

But  the  stream  by  degrees 

Now  rose  up  to  her  knees. 
Till  at  length  it  invaded  her  very  chemise, 
While  the  heavenly  strain,  as  the  wave  seem'd  to  swallow  her. 
And  slowly  she  sank,  sounded  fainter  and  hoUower ; 

— Jtimping  up  in  his  boat 

And  discarding  his  coat, 
"Here  goes,''  cried  Sir  Rupert,  "by  jingo  I'll  follow  her!" 
Then  into  the  water  he  plunged  with  a  souse 
That  was  heard  quite  distinctly  by  those  in  the  house 

Down,  down,  forty  fathom  and  more  from  the  brink, 
Sir  Rupert  the  Fearless  continues  to  sink, 

And,  as  downward  he  goes, 

Still  the  cold  water  flows 
Through  his  ears,  and  his  eyes,  and  his  mouth,  and  his  nose, 
Till  the  rum  and  the  brandy  he'd  swallow'd  since  lunch 
Wanted  nothing  but  lemon  to  fill  him  with  punch ; 
Some  minutes  elapsed  since  he  enter'd  the  flood, 
Ere  his  heels  touch'd  the  bottom,  and  stuck  in  the  mud. 

But  oh!  what  a  sight 
Met  the  eyes  of  the  Knight, 
When  he  stood  in  the  depth  of  the  stream  bolt  upright!— 


S6  A   LEGEND   OF   GERMANY. 

A  grand  stalactite  liall, 

Like  the  cave  of  Fingal, 
Rose  above  and  about  him  ;  — great  fishes  and  small 
Came  thronging  around  him,  regardless  of  danger, 
And  seem'd  all  agog  for  a  peep  at  the  stranger. 

Their  figures  and  forms  to  describe,  language  fails — 
riiey  'd  such  very  odd  heads,  and  such  very  odd  tails ; 
Of  their  genus  or  species  a  sample  to  gain, 
You  would  ransack  all  Hungerford  market  in  vain ; 

E'en  the  famed  Mr.  Myers, 

Would  scarcely  find  buyers, 
Though  hundreds  of  passengers  doubtless  would  stop 
To  stare,  were  such  monsters  exposed  in  his  shop. 

But  little  reck'd  Rupert  these  queer-looking  brutes, 

Or  the  efts  and  tlie  newts 

Tliat  crawl'd  up  his  boots. 
For  a  sight,  beyond  any  of  which  I  've  made  mention, 
In  a  moment  completely  absorb'd  his  attention. 
A  huge  crystal  bath,  which,  with  water  far  clearer 
Than  George  Robins'  filters,  or  Thorpe's  (which  are  dearer), 

Have  ever  distill'd, 

To  the  summit  was  fill'd, 
Lay  stretch'd  out  before  him,  — and  every  nerve  thrill'd 

As  scores  of  yoiing  women 

Were  diving  and  swimming, 
Till  the  vision  a  perfect  quandary  put  him  in ; — 
All  slightly  acoutrcd  in  gauzes  and  lawns, 
They  came  floating  about  him  like  so  many  prawns. 

Sir  Rupert,  who  (barring  the  few  peccadilloes 

Alluded  to,)  ere  he  leapt  into  the  billows 

Possess'd  irreproachable  morals,  began 

To  feel  rather  queer,  as  a  modest  young  man ; 

When  forth  stopp'd  a  dame,  whom  he  recognised  sooa 

As  the  one  he  had  seen  by  the  light  of  the  moon. 


SIR    RUPERT    THE    FEARLESS.  37 

And  lisp'd,  while  a  soft  smile  attended  each  sentence, 
"Sir  Rupert,  I'm  happy  to  make  your  acquaintance; 

My  name  is  Lurline, 

And  the  ladies  you've  seen, 
All  do  me  the  honour  to  call  me  their  Queen ; 
I  'ni  delighted  to  see  you,  sir,  down  in  the  Rhine  here, 
And  hope  you  can  make  it  convenient  to  dine  hero." 

The  Knight  blush'd,  and  bow'd. 
Of  subaqueous  beauties,  then  answer'd  alotid : 
"Ma'am,  you  do  me  much  honour, — I  cannot  express 
The  delight  I  shall  feel — if  you'll  pardon  my  dress — 
May  1  venture  to  say,  when  a  gentleman  jumps 
In  the  river  at  midnight  for  Avant  of  '  the  dumps,' 
He  rarely  puts  on  his  knee-breeches  and  pumps ; 
If  I  could  but  have  guess'd — what  I  sensibly  feel — 
Your  politeness  —  I'd  not  have  come  en  dishabille, 
But  have  put  on  my  silk  tights  in  lieu  of  my  steel." 
Quoth  the  lady,  "  Dear  sir,  no  apologies,  pray, 
You  will  take  our  '  pot-luck '  in  the.  family  way ; 

We  can  give  you  a  dish 

Of  some  decentish  fish, 
And  our  water's  thought  fairigh ;  but  here  in  the  Rhino, 
I  can't  say  we  pique  ourselves  much  on  our  wine." 

The  Knight  made  a  bow  more  profound  than  before, 
"When  a  Dory-faced  page  oped  the  dining-room  door. 

And  said,  bending  his  knee, 

^^  Madame,  on  a  servi!" 
Rupert  tender'd  his  arm,  led  Lurline  to  her  place. 
And  a  fat  little  Mer-man  stood  up  and  said  grace. 

What  boots  it  to  tell  of  the  viands,  or  how  she 
Apologised  mwch  for  their  plain  water-souchy, 

Want  of  Harvey's,  and  Cross's, 

And  Burgess's  sauces^ 
4 


38  A    LEGEND    OF    GERMANT. 

Or  how  Rupert,  on  his  side,  protested,  by  Jove,  he 
Preferr'd  his  fish  plain,  witliout  soy  or  anchoYy. 

Suffice  it  the  meal 

Boasted  trout,  perch,  and  eel, 
Besides  some  remarkably  fine  salmon  peel. 
The  Knight,  sooth  to  say,  thought  much  less  of  the  fishes 
Than  of  what  they  were  served  on,  the  massive  gold  dishes ; 
While  his  eye,  as  it  glanced  now  and  then  on  the  girls, 
Was  caught  by  their  persons  much  less  than  their  pearls, 
And  a  thought  came  across  him  and  caused  him  to  muse, 

"If  I  could  but  get  hold 

Of  some  of  that  gold, 
I  might  manage  to  pay  off  my  rascally  Jews !" 

When  dinner  was  done,  at  a  sign  to  the  lasses. 

The  table  was  clear'd,  and  they  put  on  fresh  glasses ; 

Then  the  lady  addrest 

Her  redoubtable  guest 
Much  as  Dido,  of  old,  did  the  pious  Eneas, 
"Dear  sir,  what  induced  you  to  come  down  and  see  us?" — 
Rupert  gave  her  a  glance  most  bewitchingly  tender, 
Loll'd  back  in  his  chair,  put  his  toes  on  the  fender. 

And  told  her  outright 

How  that  he,  a  young  Knight, 
Had  never  been  last  at  a  feast  or  a  fight ; 

But  that  keeping  good  cheer 

Every  day  in  the  year, 
And  drinking  neat  wines  all  the  same  as  small-beer, 

Had  exhausted  his  rent, 

And,  his  money  all  spent. 
How  he  borrow'd  large  sums  at  two  hundred  per  cent. ; 

How  they  follow'd  —  and  then, 

The  once  civillest  of  men, 
Messrs  Howard  and  Gibbs,  made  him  bitterly  rue  it  he 
'd  ever  raised  money  by  way  of  annuity; 


SIR  RUPERT    THE    FEARLESS.  89 

And,  his  mortgages  being  about  to  foreclose. 
How  he  jiimp'd  in  the  river  to  finish  his  woes ! 

Lurline  was  atfected,  and  own'd,  with  a  tear. 
That  a  story  so  naournful  had  ne'er  met  her  ear : 

Rupert,  hearing  her  sigh, 

Look'd  uncommonly  sly, 
And  said,  with  some  emphasis,  "Ah!  miss,  had  I 

A  few  pounds  of  those  metals 

You  waste  here  on  kettles. 

Then,  Lord  once  again 

Of  my  spacious  domain, 
A  free  Count  of  the  Empire  once  more  I  might  reign, 

With  Lurline  at  my  side, 

My  adorable  bride, 
(For  the  parson  should  come,  and  the  knot  should  be  tied) ; 
No  couple  so  happy  on  earth  should  be  seen 
As  Sir  Rupert  the  brave  and  his  charming  Lurline ; 
Not  that  money  's  my  object — No,  hang  it !  I  scorn  it  — 
And  as  for  my  rank  —  but  that  you  'd  so  adorn  it  — 

I'd  abandon  it  all 

To  remain  your  true  thrall, 
And,  instead  of  'the  Great,'  be  call'd  'Rupert  the  Small;* 
—  To  gain  but  your  smiles,  were  I  Sardanapalus, 
1  'd  descend  from  my  throne,  and  be  boots  at  an  alehouse."* 

Lurline  hung  her  head, 

Turn'd  pale,  and  then  red. 
Growing  faint  at  this  sudden  proposal  to  wed, 
As  though  his  abruptness,  in  "popping  the  question" 
So  soon  after  dinner,  disturb'd  her  digestion. 

Then,  averting  her  eye, 

With  a  lover-like  sigh, 
"You  are  welcome,"  she  murmur'd  in  tones  most  bewitching, 
*'  To  every  utensil  I  have  in  my  kitchen !" 

'*  "Sardanapalus    and  *=  Boots,"  the  Zenith  and  Nadir  of  human  society 


A(y  A    LEGEND   OF    GERMANY. 

Upstarted  the  Knight, 

Half  mad  Avith  delight, 

Round  her  finely-form'd  waist 

He  immediately  placed 
One  arm,  which  the  lady  most  closely  embraced, 
Of  her  lily-white  fingers  the  other  made  capture. 
And  he  press'd  his  adored  to  his  bosom  with  rapture. 
"And  oh!"  he  exclaim'd,  "let  them  go  catch  my  skiff,  I 
'11  be  home  in  a  twinkling  and  back  in  a  jiffy, 
Nor  one  moment  procrastinate  longer  my  journey 
Than  to  put  up  the  banns  and  kick  out  the  attorney." 

One  kiss  to  her  lip,  and  one  squeeze  to  her  hand, 
And  Sir  Rupert  ah'eady  was  half-way  to  land, 

For  a  sour-visaged  Triton, 

With  features  would  frighten 
Old  Nick,  caught  him  up  in  one  hand,  though  no  light  one, 
Sprang  up  through  the  waves,  popp'd  him  into  his  funny, 
Which  some  others  already  had  half-fill'd  with  money ; 
In  fact,  'twas  so  heavily  laden  with  ore 
And  pearls,  'twas  a  mercy  he  got  it  to  shore ; 

But  Sir  Rupert  was  strong, 

And  while  pulling  along. 
Still  he  heard,  faintly  sounding,  the  water-nymphs'  song. 

LAY    OF    THE    NAIADS. 

"Away!  away!  to  the  mountain's  brow, 

Where  the  castle  is  darkly  frowning; 
And  the  vassals,  all  in  goodly  row, 

Weep  for  their  lord  a-drowning! 
Away!  away!  to  the  steward's  room. 

Where  law  with  its  wig  and  robe  is; 
Throw  us  out  John  Doe  and  Richard  Roe, 

And  sweetly  we  '11  tickle  their  tobies !" 

The  unearthly  voices  scarce  had  ceased  their  yelling, 
When  Rupert  I'each'd  his  old  baronial  dwelling. 


SIR    RUPERT    THE    FEARLESS.  41 

What  rejoicing  was  there.! 

How  the  vassals  did  stare ! 
The  eld  housekeeper  put  a  clean  shirt  down  to  air, 

For  she  saw  by  her  lamp 

That  her  masters  was  damp, 
And  she  fcar'd  he  'd  catch  cold,  and  lumbago,  and  cramp ; 

But,  scorning  what  she  did, 

The  Knight  never  heeded 
Wet  jacket  or  trousers,  nor  thought  of  repining. 
Since  their  pockets  had  got  such  a  delicate  lining. 

But  oh!  what  dismay! 

Fill'd  the  tribe  of  Ca  Sa, 
When  they  found  he  'd  the  cash,  and  intended  to  pay ! 
Away  went  ''cognovits,''  "bills,"  '-bonds,"  and  "escheats," — 
Ivupert  clear'd  off  all  scores,  and  took  proper  receipts. 

Now  no  more  he  sends  out 

For  pots  of  brown  stout. 
Or  schnaps,  but  resolves  to  do  henceforth  without, 
Abjure  from  this  hour  all  excess  and  ebriety, 
Enrol  himself  one  of  a  Temp'rance  Society, 

All  riot  eschew, 

Begin  life  anew, 
And  new-cushion  and  hassock  the  family  pew  ! 
Nay,  to  strengthen  him  more  in  his  new  mode  of  life, 
He  boldly  determines  to  take  him  a  wife. 

Now,  many  would  think  that  the  Knight,  from  a  nice  senst 
Of  honour,  should  put  Lurline's  name  in  the  license. 
And  that,  for  a  man  of  his  breeding  and  quality, 

To  break  fiiith  and  troth, 

Confirm'd  by  an  oath. 
Is  not  quite  consistent  with  rigid  morality ; 
But  whether  the  nymph  was  forgot,  or  he  thought  her 
From  her  essence  scarce  wife,  but  at  best  wife-and-water, 
4* 


42  A    LEGEND    OF    GERMANY. 

And  declined,  as  unsuited, 

A  Tbride  so  diluted  — 

Be  this  as  it  may, 

He,  I  'm  sorry  to  say, 
(For,  all  things  considerd,  I  own  'twas  a  rum  thing,) 
Made  proposals  in  form  to  Miss  Una  Von  —  something, 
(Her  name  has  escaped  me,)  sole  heiress,  and  niece 
To  a  highly  respectable  Justice  of  Peace. 

"Thrice  happy 's  the  wooing 
That's  not  long  a-doing!" 
So  much  time  is  saved  in  the  billing  and  cooing  — 
The  ring  is  now  bought,  the  white  favours,  and  gloves, 
And  all  the  et  cetera  which  crown  people's  loves; 
A  magnificent  bride-cake  comes  home  from  the  baker, 
And  lastly  appears,  from  the  German  Long  Acre, 
That  shaft  which  the  sharpest  in  all  Cupid's  quiver  is, 
A  plum-colour'd  coach,  and  rich  Pompadour  liveries 

'Twas  a  comely  sight 

To  behold  the  Knight, 
With  his  beautiful  bride,  dress'd  all  in  white. 
And  the  bridemaids  fair  with  their  long  lace  veils. 
As  tliey  all  walk'd  \ip  to  the  altar  rails, 
While  nice  little  boys,  the  incense  dispensers, 
March'd  in  front  with  white  surplices,  bands,  and  gilt  censers 

With  a  gracious  air,  and  a  smiling  look, 

Mess  John  had  open'd  his  awful  book. 

And  had  read  so  far  as  to  ask  if  to  wed  he  meant? 

And  if  "he  knew  any  just  cause  or  impediment?" 

When  from  base  to  turret  the  castle  shook ! ! ! 

Then  came  a  sound  of  a  mighty  rain 

Dashing  against  each  storied  pane, 

The  wind  blew  loud, 

And  a  coal-black  cloud 
O'ershadow'd  the  church,  and  the  party,  and  crowd; 


SIR    RUPERT    THE    FEARLESS.  43 

How  it  could  happen  they  could  not  divine, 
The  morning  had  been  so  remarkably  fine ! 

Still  the  darkness  increased,  till  it  reach'd  such  a  pass 
That  the  sextoness  hasten'd  to  turn  on  the  gas ; 

But  harder  it  pour'd, 

And  the  thunder  roar'd, 
As  if  heaven  and  earth  v^ere  coming  together : 
None  ever  had  witness'd  such  terrible  weather. 

Now  louder  it  crash'd, 

And  the  lightning  flash'd, 

Exciting  the  fears 

Of  the  sweet  little  dears, 
In  the  veils,  as  it  danced  on  the  brass  chandeliers : 
The  parson  ran  off,  though  a  stout-hearted  Saxon, 
When  he  found  that  a  flash  had  set  fire  to  his  caxon. 

Though  all  the  rest  trembled,  as  might  be  expected, 
Sir  Rupert  was  perfectly  cool  and  collected. 

And  endeavour'd  to  cheer 

His  bride,  in  her  ear 
Whisp'ring  tenderly,  "Pray  don't  be  frighten'd,  my  dear; 
Should  it  even  set  fire  to  the  castle,  and  burn  it,  you  're 
Amply  insured,  both  for  buildings  and  furniture." 

But  now,  from  without, 

A  trustworthy  scout 

Rush'd  hurriedly  in. 

Wet  through  to  the  skin, 
Informing  his  master  "  the  river  was  rising. 
And  flooding  the  grounds  in  a  way  quite  surprising." 

He  'd  no  time  to  say  more. 

For  already  the  roar 
Of  the  waters  was  lieard  as  they  reach'd  the  church-door, 
While,  high  on  the  first  wave  that  roll'd  in,  was  seen. 
Riding  proudly,  the  form  of  the  angry  Lurline ; 


44  A   LEGEND   OF   GERMANY. 

And  all  might  observe,  by  liei'  glance  fierce  and  stormy, 
She  was  stung  by  the  spreicB  injuria  formce. 

What  she  said  to  the  Knight,  niiat  she  said  to  the  bride, 
What  she  said  to  the  ladies  who  stood  by  her  side, 
What  she  said  to  the  nice  little  boys  in  white  clothes, 
Oh,  nobody  mentions, — for  nobody  knows; 
For  the  roof  tumbled  in,  and  the  walls  tumbled  out, 
And  the  folks  tumbled  down,  all  confusion  and  rout, 

The  rain  kept  on  pouring, 

The  flood  kept  on  roaring, 
The  billows  and  water-nymphs  roU'd  more  and  more  in ; 

Ere  the  close  of  the  day 

All  was  clean  wash'd  away  — 
Jne  only  survived  who  could  hand  down  the  news, 
A  little  old  woman  that  open'd  the  pews ; 

She  was  borne  ofi",  but  stuck, 

By  the  greatest  good  luck, 
In  an  oak-tree,  and  there  she  hung,  crying  and  screaming, 
And  saw  all  the  rest  swallow'd  up  the  wild  stream  in ; 

In  vain,  all  the  week, 

Did  the  fishermen  seek 
For  the  bodies,  and  poke  in  each  cranny  and  creek ; 

In  vain  was  their  search 

After  aught  in  the  church, 
They  caught  nothing  but  weeds,  and  perhaps  a  few  perch  ; 

The  Humane  Society 

Tried  a  variety 
Of  methods,  and  brought  down,  to  drag  for  the  wreck,  tackloA 
But  they  only  fish'd  up  the  clerk's  tortoise-shell  spectacles. 

Moral. 

This  tale  has  a  moral.     Ye  youths,  oh,  beware 
Of  liquor,  and  how  you  run  after  the  fair ! 
Shun  playing  at  shorts — avoid  quarrels  and  jars  — 
A.nd  don't  take  to  smoking  those  nasty  cigars ! 


SIR    RUPERT    THE    FEARLESS.  45 

—  Let  no  run  of  bad-hick,  or  despair  for  some  Jewess-eyed 

Damsel,  induce  you  to  contemplate  suicide ! 

Don't  sit  up  much  later  than  ten  or  eleven !  — 

Be  up  in  the  morning  by  half  after  seven ! 

Keep  from  flirting  —  nor  risk,  warn'd  by  Rupert's  miscarriage, 

An  action  for  breach  of  a  promise  of  marriage :  — 

Don't  fancy  odd  fishes  ! 

Don't  prig  silver  dishes! 
And  to  sum  up  the  whole,  in  the  shortest  phrase  I  know, 
Beware  of  the  Rhine,  and  take  care  of  the  Rhino! 


And  now  for  "Sunny  Italy/'  —  the  "Land  of  tb. 
unforgotten  brave,"  —  the  land  of  blue  skies  and  black- 
eyed  Signoras. —  I  cannot  discover  from  any  recorded 
memoranda  that  "  Uncle  Perry'*  was  ever  in  Venice, 
even  in  Carnival  time  —  that  he  ever  saw  Garrick  in 
Shylock  I  do  not  believe,  and  am  satisfied  that  he  knew 
nothing  of  Shakspeare,  a  circumstance  that  would  by  no 
means  disqualify  him  from  publishing  an  edition  of  that 
Poet's  works.  I  can  only  conclude  that,  in  the  course 
of  his  Continental  wanderings.  Sir  Peregrine  had  either 
read,  or  heard  of  the  following  history,  especially  as  he 
furnishes  us  with  some  particulars  of  the  eventual  des- 
tination of  his  dramatis  personcB  which  the  Bard  of 
Avon  has  omitted.  If  this  solution  be  not  accepted,  I 
can  only  say,  with  Mr.  Puff,  that  probably  "  two  men 
hit  upon  the  same  idea,  and  Shakspeare  made  use  of  it 
first." 


THE  MERCHANT  OP  VENICE. 

A   LEGEND   OP   ITALY. 

*  ♦  *  Of  the  Merchant  of  Venice  there  are  two  4to  editions  in  1600,  one 
by  Ileyes  and  the  other  by  Koberts.  The  Luke  of  Devonshire  and  Lord 
Francis  Egerton  have  copies  of  the  edition  by  Heyes,  and  tlicy  vary  impor- 
tantly. 

*  *  *  It  must  be  acknowledged  that  this  is  a  very  easy  and  happy  emenda- 
tion, which  does  not  admit  of  a  moment's  doubt  or  dispute. 

*  *  *  Readers  in  general  are  not  at  all  aware  of  the  nonsense  they  have 
in  many  cases  been  accustomed  to  receive  as  the  genuine  text  of  Shak« 
speare ! 

Reasons  for  a  new  edition  of  Shakspeare's  yforks,  by  J.  Payne  Collier, 

I  BELIEVE  there  are  few 

But  have  heard  of  a  Jew, 
Named  Shylock,  of  Venice,  as  arrant  a  "  Screw  " 
In  money  transactions,  as  ever  you  knew  ; 
An  exorbitant  miser,  who  never  yet  lent 
A  ducat  at  less  than  three  hundred  per  cent.. 
Insomuch  that  the  veriest  spendthrift  in  Venice, 
Who  *d  take  no  more  care  of  his  pounds  than  his  pennies, 
When  press'd  for  a  loan,  at  the  very  first  sight 
■^f  his  terms,  would  back  out,  and  take  refuge  in  Flight. 
J,  is  not  my  purpose  to  pause  and  inquire 
If  he  might  not,  in  managing  thus  to  retire, 
Jump  out  of  the  frying-pan  into  the  fire  ; 
Suffice  it,  that  folks  would  have  nothing  to  do, 
Whc  could  possibly  help  it,  with  Shylock  the  Jew. 

But,  however  discreetly  one  cuts  and  contrives, 

We  've  been  most  of  us  taught,  in  the  course  of  pur  lives. 

That  "  Needs  must  when  the  Elderly  Gentleman  Olives  !'* 


THE    MERCHANT    OF    VENICE.  47 

In  proof  of  this  rule, 

A  thoughtless  young  fool. 
Bassanio,  a. Lord  of  the  Tora-noddy  school, 
Who,  by  showing  at  Operas,  Balls,  Plays,  and  Court, 
A  "  swelling"  (Payne  Collier  would  read  "swilling")  "port,* 
And  inviting  his  friends  to  dine,  breakfast,  and  sup, 
Had  shrunk  his  "  weak  means,"  and  was  "  stump'd  "  and  "  bard 
up," 

Took  occasion  to  send 

To  his  very  good  friend 
Antonio,  a  merchant  whose  wealth  had  no  end, 
And  who  'd  often  before  had  the  kindness  to  lend 
Him  large  sums,  on  his  note,  which  he  'd  managed  to  spend. 

"Antonio,"  said  he, 

"  Now  listen  to  me  : 
I've  just  hit  on  a  scheme  which,  I  think,  you'll  agree, 
All  matters  consider'd,  is  no  bad  design, 
And  which,  if  it  succeeds,  will  suit  your  book  and  mine. 

"  In  the  first  place,  you  know  all  the  money  I've  got, 
Time  and  often,  from  you  has  been  long  gone  to  pot. 
And  in  making  those  loans  you  have  made  a  bad  shot ; 
Now  do  as  the  boys  do  when,  shooting  at  sparrows 
And  tom-tits,  they  chance  to  lose  one  of  their  arrows, 
—  Shoot  another  the  same  way  —  I  '11  watch  well  its  tract, 
And,  turtle  to  tripe,  I  '11  bring  both  of  them  back !  — 

So  list  to  my  plan, 

And  do  what  you  can 
To  attend  to  and  second  it,  that 's  a  good  man ! 

*'  There 's  a  Lady,  young,  handsome  beyond  all  compare,  at 
A  place  they  call  Belmont,  whom,  when  I  was  there,  at 
The  suppers  and  parties  my  friend  Lord  Mountfcrrat 
Was  giving  last  season,  we  all  used  to  stare  at. 
Then,  as  to  her  wealth,  her  Solicitor  told  mine, 
Besides  vast  estates,  a  pearl-fishery,  and  gold  mine 


i8  A    LEGEND    OF   ITALY. 

Her  iron  strong  box 

Seems  bursting  its  locks, 
It's  stuff'd  so  with  shares  in  '  Grand  Junctions'  and  *  Docks,* 
Not  to  speak  of  the  money  she's  got  in  the  Stocks, 

French,  Dutch,  and  Brazilian, 

Columbian,  and  Chilian, 
In  English  Exchequer-bills  full  half  a  million, 
Not  ♦  kites,'  manufactured  to  cheat  and  inveigle, 
But  the  right  sort  of  '  flimsy,'  all  sign'd  by  Monteagle. 
Then  I  know  not  how  much  in  Canal-shares  and  Railways, 
And  more  speculations  I  need  not  detail,  ways 
Of  vesting  which,  if  not  so  safe  as  some  think  'em, 
Contribute  a  deal  to  improving  one's  income ; 

In  short,  she 's  a  Mint ! 

— Now  I  say,  deuce  is  in't 
If,  with  all  my  experience,  I  can't  take  a  hint, 
And  her  '  eye's  speechless  messages,'  plainer  than  print 
At  the  time  that  I  told  you  of,  know  from  a  squint. 

In  short,  my  dear  Tony, 

My  trusty  old  crony. 
Do  stump  up  three  thousand  once  more  as  a  loan  —  I 
Am  sure  of  my  game  —  though,  of  course,  there  are  brutes. 
Of  all  sorts  and  sizes,  prefen-ing  their  suits 
To  her,  you  may  call  the  Italian  Miss  Coutts, 
Yet  Portia  —  she's  named  from  that  daughter  of  Cato's — 
Is  not  to  be  snapp'd  up  like  little  potatoes, 

And  I  have  not  a  doubt 

I  shall  rout  every  lout 
Ere  you'll  whisper  Jack  Robinson  —  tut  them  all  out  — 

Surmount  every  barrier, 

Carry  her,  marry  her! 
—  Then  hey !  my  old  Tony,  when  once  fairly  noosed. 
For  her  Three-and-a-half  per  Cents  —  New  and  Reduc'd  I** 

With  a  wink  of  his  eye 
His  friend  made  reply 


THE    MERCHANT    OF   VENICE. 

In  his  jocular  manner,  sly,  caustic,  and  dry, 

"  Still  the  same  boy,  Bassanio  —  never  say  *  die' ! 

— Well  —  I  hardly  know  how  I  shall  do 't,  but  1  '11  try, — 

Don't  suppose  my  affairs  are  at  all  in  a  hash, 

But  the  fact  is,  at  present  I  'm  quite  out  of  cash  ; 

The  bulk  of  my  property,  merged  in  rich  cargoes,  is 

Tossing  about,  as  you  know,  in  my  Argosies, 

Tending,  of  course,  my  resources  to  cripple, —  I 

've  one  bound  to  England, —  another  to  Tripoli  — 

Cyprus  —  Masulipatam  —  and  Bombay ; — 

A  sixth,  by  the  way, 

I  consigned  t'other  day, 
To  Sir  Gregor  M'Gregor,  Cacique  of  Poyais, 
A  country  where  silver 's  as  common  as  clay. 

Meantime,  till  they  tack, 

And  come,  some  of  them,  back. 
What  with  Custom-house  duties,  and  bills  falling  due. 
My  account  with  Jones,  Loyd,  and  Co.,  looks  rather  blue  ; 
While,  as  for  the  'ready,'  I'm  like  a  Church-mouse, — 
I  really  don't  think  there  's  five  pounds  in  the  house. 

But  no  matter  for  that. 

Let  me  just  get  my  hat. 
And  my  new  silk  umbrella  that  stands  on  the  mat, 
And  we'll  go  forth  at  once  to  the  market  —  we  two, — 
And  try  what  my  credit  in  Venice  can  do ; 
I  stand  well  on  'Change,  and,  when  all 's  said  and  done,  I 
Don't  doubt  I  shall  get  it  for  love  or  for  money." 

They  were  going  to  go, 
When,  lo !  down  below, 
In  the  street,  they  heard  somebody  crying,  "  Old  Clo' !" 

—  "  By  the  Pope,  there 's  the  man  for  our  purpose ! — I  knew 
We  should  not  have  to  search  long.     Solanio,  run  you, 

—  Salarino, — quick  !  — haste !  ere  he  get  out  of  view, 
And  call  in  that  scoundrel,  old  Shylock  the  Jew !" 

6 


49 


fiO  A   LEGEND    OF    ITALT. 

With  a  pack, 

Like  a  sack 
Of  old  clothes  at  his  back, 
And  three  hats  on  his  head,  Shylock  came  in  a  crack. 
Saying,  "Rest  you  fair,  Signor  Antonio! — vat,  pray. 
Might  your  vorship  be  pleashed  for  to  vant  in  ma  vay  ?** 

— <<  Why,  Shylock,  although, 

As  you  very  well  know, 
I  am  what  they  call  'warm,' — ^pay  my  way  as  I  go. 
And,  as  to  myself,  neither  borrow  nor  lend, 
I  can  break  through  a  rule,  to  oblige  an  old  friend ; 
And  that 's  the  case  now  —  Lord  Bassanio  would  raise 
Some  three  thousand  ducats  —  well,  —  knowing  your  wayisy 
And  that  nought 's  to  be  got  from  you,  say  what  one  will. 
Unless  you  've  a  couple  of  names  to  the  bill, 

Why,  for  once,  I  '11  put  mine  to  it. 

Yea,  seal  and  sign  to  it — 
Now,  then,  old  Sinner,  let 's  hear  what  you  '11  say 
As  to  *  doing'  a  bill  at  three  months  from  to-day  ? 
Three  thousand  gold  ducats,  mind  —  all  in  good  bags 
Of  hard  money — no  sealing-wax,  slippers,  or  rags?" 

" — ^Vell,  ma  tear,"  says  the  Jew, 

"I'll  see  vat  I  can  do! 
But  Mishter  Antonio,  hark  you,  tish  funny 
You  say  to  me,  *  Shylock,  ma  tear,  ve  'd  have  money  !* 

Ven  you  very  veil  knows 

How  you  shpit  on  ma  clothes. 
And  use  naughty  vords  —  call  me  Dog — and  avouch 
Dat  I  put  too  much  int'resht  py  half  in  ma  pouch, 
And  vhile  I,  like  de  resht  of  ma  tribe,  shrug  and  crouch, 
You  find  fault  mit  ma  pargains,  and  say  I  'm  a  Smouch. 

— Veil! — no  matters,  ma  tear, — 

Von  vord  in  your  ear ! 
I  'd  be  friends  mit  you  bote  —  and  to  make  dat  appear, 


THE   MERCHANT   OP  YENICE.  51 

Vy,  I  '11  f  nd  you  de  monies  as  soon  as  you  vill, 
Only  von  littel  joke  musht  be  put  in  de  pill;  — 

Ma  tear,  you  muslit  say, 

If  on  such  and  such  day 
Such  sum  or  such  sums,  you  shall  fail  to  repay, 
I  shall  cut  vhere  I  like,  as  de  pargain  is  proke, 
A  fair  pound  of  your  flesh — chest  by  vay  of  a  joke.** 

So  novel  a  clause 

Caused  Bassanio  to  pause ; 
But  Antonio,  like  most  of  those  sage  "Johnny  Raws" 

Who  care  not  three  straws 

About  Lawyers  or  Laws, 
And  think  cheaply  of  "Old  Father  Antic,"  because 
They  have  never  experienced  a  gripe  from  his  claws, 
"  Pooh  po^'d  "  the  whole  thing.  —  "  Let  the  Smouch  have  his 
way  — 

Why,  what  care  I,  pray, 

For  his  penalty? — Nay, 
It 's  a  forfeit  he  'd  never  expect  me  to  pay ; 
■  And,  come  what  may 

I  hardly  need  say 
My  ships  will  be  back  a  full  month  ere  the  day." 
So,  anxious  to  see  his  friend  off  on  his  journey, 
And  thinking  the  whole  but  a  paltry  concern,  he 

Affix'd  with  all  speed 

His  name  to  a  deed. 
Duly  stamp' d  and  drawn  up  by  a  sharp  Jew  attorney. 
Thus  again  furnish'd  forth.  Lord  Bassanio,  instead 
Of  squandering  the  cash,  after  giving  one  spread, 
With  fiddling  and  masques,  at  the  Saracen's  Head, 

La  the  morning  "made  play," 

And  without  more  delay, 
Siarted  off  in  the  steam-boat  for  Belmont  next  day 

But  scarcely  had  he 

From  the  harbour  got  free. 
And  left  the  Lagunes  for  the  broad  open  sea, 


52  A   LEGEND   OF   ITALY. 

Ere  the  'Change  and  Rialto  both  rung  with  the  news 
That  he  'd  carried  off  more  than  mere  cash  from  the  Jew's. 

Though  Shylock  was  old, 

And,  if  rolHng  in  gold, 
Was  as  ugly  a  dog  as  yo  i  'd  wish  to  behold, 
For  few  in  his  tribe  'mongst  their  Levis  and  Moseses 
Sported  so  Jewish  an  eye,  beard,  and  nose  as  his, 
Still,  whate'er  the  opinions  of  Horace  and  some  be, 
Your  aquilcR  generate  someiivaQB  Columbce,* 
Like  Jephthah,  as  Hamlet  says,  he  'd  "  one  fair  daughter, 
And  every  gallant,  who  caught  sight  of  her,  thought  her 
A  jewel  —  a  gem  of  the  very  first  water ; 

A  great  many  sought  her. 

Till  one  at  last  caught  her, 
And,  uj)setting  all  that  the  Rabbis  had  taught  her, 
To  feehngs  so  truly  reciprocal  brought  her, 

That  the  very  same  night 

Bassanio  thought  right 
To  give  all  his  old  friends  that  farewell  "  invite," 
And  while  Shylock  was  gone  there  to  feed  out  of  spite. 
On  "wings  made  by  a  tailor"  the  damsel  took  flight. 

By  these  "wings"  I'd  express 

A  grey  duffle  dress. 
With  brass  badge  and  muffin  cap,  made,  as  by  rule, 
For  an  upper  class  boy  in  the  National  School. 
Jessy  ransack'd  the  house,  popp'd  her  breeks  on,  and  when  so 
Disguised,  bolted  off  with  her  beau  —  one  Lorenzo, 
An  "  Unthrift,"  who  lost  not  a  moment  in  whisking 

Her  into  the  boat, 

And  was  fairly  afloat 
Ere  her  Pa  had  got  rid  of  the  smell  of  the  griskin. 
Next  day,  while  old  Shylock  was  making  a  racket. 
And  threatening  how  well  he  'd  dust  every  man's  jacket 
Who  'd  help'd  her  in  getting  abroad  of  the  packet, 
*  Ncc  imbelleni  leroRes 

rrogencrant  a(inil.'e  columbam.  —  IIor. 


THE  MERCHANT  OP  VENICE.  53 

Bassamo  at  Belmont  was  capering  and  prancing, 
And  bowing,  and  scraping,  and  singing,  and  dancing, 
Making  eyes  at  Miss  Portia,  and  doing  his  best 
To  perform  the  polite   and  to  cut  out  the  rest ; 
And,  if  left  to  herself,  tie  no  doubt  had  succeeded, 
For  none  of  them  waltz'd  so  genteelly  as  he  did ; 

But  an  obstacle  lay. 

Of  some  weight,  in  his  way. 
The  defunct  Mr.  P.  who  was  now  turn'd  to  clay, 
Had  been  an  odd  man,  and,  though  all  for  the  best  he  meant, 
Left  but  a  queer  sort  of  "  Last  will  and  testament," — 

Bequeathing  her  hand, 

With  her  houses  and  land, 
&c.,  from  motives  one  don't  understand, 
As  she  rev'renced  his  memory,  and  valued  his  blessing, 
To  him  who  should  turn  out  the  best  hand  at  guessing! 

Like  a  good  girl,  she  did 

Just  what  she  was  bid ; 
In  one  of  three  caskets  her  picture  she  hid, 
And  clapp'd  a  conundrum  a-top  of  each  lid. 

A  couple  of  Princes,  a  black  and  a  white  one, 
Tried  first,  but  they  both  fail'd  in  choosing  the  right  one. 
Another  from  Naples,  who  shoe'd  his  own  horses ; 
A  French  Lord,  whose  graces  might  vie  with  Count  D'Orsay's ; — 
i  young  English  Baron ;  —  a  Scotch  Peer  his  neighbour ;  — 
A  dull  drunken  Saxon,  all  mustache  and  sabre ;  — 
All  follow'd,  and  all  had  their  pains  for  their  labour. 
Bassanio  came  last — happy  man  be  his  dole! 
Put  his  conjuring  cap  on, — consider'd  the  whole, — 

The  gold  put  aside  as 

Mere  "hard  food  for  Midas," 

The  silver  bade  trudge 

As  a  "pale  common  drudge;" 
Then  choosing  the  little  lead  box  in  the  middle. 
Came  plump  on  the  picture,  and  found  out  the  riddle. 


54  A   LEGEND    OF   ITALT 

Now  you  're  not  such  a  goose  as  to  think,  I  dare  say, 
Gentl©  Reader,  that  all  this  was  done  in  a  day. 

Any  more  than  the  dome 

Of  St.  Peter's  at  Rome 
Was  built  in  the  same  space  of  time ;  and,  in  fact;, 

Whilst  Bassanio  was  doing 

His  billing  and  cooing, 
Three  months  had  gone  by  ere  he  reach'd  the  fifth  act ; 
Meanwhile  that  unfortunate  bill  became  due, 
Which  his  Lordship  had  almost  forgot,  to  the  Jew, 

And  Antonio  grew 

In  a  deuce  of  a  stew. 
For  he  could  not  cash  up,  spite  of  all  he  could  do ; 
(The  bitter  old  Israelite  would  not  renew), 
What  with  contrary  winds,  storms,  and  wrecks,  and  embargoes, 

his 
Funds  were  all  stopp'd,  or  gone  down  in  his  argosies, 
None  of  the  set  having  come  into  port. 
And  Shylock's  attorney  was  moving  the  Court 
For  the  forfeit  supposed  to  be  set  down  in  sport. 

The  serious  news 

Of  this  step  of  the  Jew's, 
And  his  fix'd  resolution  all  terms  to  refuse. 
Gave  the  newly-made  Bridegroom  a  fit  of  "  the  Blues," 
Especially,  too,  as  it  came  from  the  pen 
Of  his  poor  friend  himself  on  the  wedding-day, —  then. 
When  the  Pargon  had  scarce  shut  his  book  up,  and  when 
The  Clerk  was  yet  uttering  the  final  Amen. 

"Dear  Friend,"  it  continued,  "all's  up  with  me  —  I 

Have  nothing  on  earth  now  to  do  but  to  die ! 

And,  as  death  clears  all  scores,  you  're  no  longer  my  debtor , 

I  should  take  it  as  kind 

Could  you  come — never  mind  — 
If  your  love  don't  persuade  you,  why, — don't  let  this  letter  1" 


THE    MERCHANT   OP    VENICE.  55 

I  hardly  need  say  this  was  scarcely  read  o'er 

Ere  a  post-chaise  and  four 

Was  brought  rouud  to  the  door, 
And  Bassanio,  though,  doubtless,  he  thought  it  a  bore, 
Gave  his  lady  one  kiss,  and  then  started  at  score. 

But  scarce  in  his  flight 

Had  he  got  out  of  sight 
Ere  Portia,  addressing  a  groom,  said,  "  My  lad,  you  a 
Journey  must  take  on  the  instant  to  Padua ; 
Find  out  there  Bellario,  a  Doctor  of  Laws, 
Who,  hke  FoUett,  is  never  left  out  of  a  cause, 

And  give  him  this  note. 

Which  I've  hastily  wrote, 
Take  the  papers  he  '11  give  you  —  then  push  for  the  ferry 
Below,  where  I'll  meet  you — ^you'll  do't  in  a  wherry, 
If  you  can 't  find  a  boat  on  the  Brenta  with  sails  to  it  — 
— Stay,  bring  his  gown  too,  and  wig  with  three  tails  to  it." 

Giovanni  (that 's  Jack) 

Brought  out  his  hack, 
Made  a  bow  to  his  mistress,  then  jump  'd  on  its  back, 
Put  his  hand  to  his  hat,  and  was  off  in  a  crack. 

The  Signora  soon  follow'd,  herself,  taking,  as  her 
Own  escort  Nerissa,  her  maid,  and  Balthasar. 


"  The  Court  is  prepared,  the  Lawyers  are  met, 

The  Judges  all  ranged,  a  terrible  show !" 
As  Captain  Macheath  says, — and  when  one 's  in  debt, 

The  sight 's  as  unpleasant  a  one  as  I  know, 
Yet  still  net  so  bad  after  all,  I  suppose. 
As  if,  when  one  cannot  discharge  what  one  owes. 
They  should  bid  people  cut  off  one's  toes  or  one's  nose  ; 
Yet  here,  a  worse  fate, 
Stands  Antonio,  of  late 
A  Merchant,  might  vie  e'en  with  Princes  in  state. 


56  A    LEGEND    OF    ITALY. 

With  his  waistcoat  unbutton'd,  prepared  for  the  Icuife, 
Which,  in  taking  a  pound  of  flesh,  must  take  his  hfe  ; 
— On  the  other  side  Shylock,  his  bag  on  the  floor, 
And  three  shocking  bad  hats  on  his  head,  as  before, 

Imperturbable  stands. 

As  he  waits  their  commands, 
With  his  scales  and  liis  great  snickersnee  in  his  hands ; 
— Between  them,  equipt  in  a  wig,  gown,  and  bands, 
With  a  very  smooth  face,  a  young  dandified  Lawyer, 
Whose  air,  ne'ertheless,  speaks  him  quite  a  top-sawyer. 

Though  his  hopes  are  but  feeble, 

Does  his  possible 
To  make  the  hard  Hebrew  to  mercy  incline. 
And  in  lieu  of  his  three  thousand  ducats  take  nine, 
Which  Bassanio,  for  reasons  we  well  may  divine. 
Shows  in  so  many  bags  all  drawn  up  in  a  line. 
But  vain  are  all  efforts  to  soften  him  —  still 

He  points  to  the  bond 

He  so  often  has  conn'd, 
And  says  in  plain  terms  he'll  be  shot  if  he  will. 
So  the  dandified  Lawyer,  with  talking  grown  hoarse, 
Says,  "I  can  say  no  more — let  the  law  take  its  course.'* 

Just  fancy  the  gleam  of  the  eye  of  the  Jew, 

As  he  sharpen'd  his  knife  on  the  sole  of  his  shoe 

From  the  toe  to  the  heel, 

And  grasping  the  steel, 
With  a  business-like  air  was  beginning  to  feel 
Whereabouts  he  should  cut,  as  a  butcher  would  veal, 
When  the  dandified  Judge  puts  a  spoke  in  his  wheel. 

"Stay,  Shylock,"  says  he,  ' 

"Here's  one  thing — you  see 
This  bond  of  yours  gives  you  here  no  jot  of  blood ! 
— the  words  are  'A  pound  of  flesh,' — that's  clear  as  mud- 
Slice  away,  then,  old  fellow — but  mind! — if  you  spill 
One  drop  of  his  claret  that's  not  in  your  bill, 
I  'U  hang  you  like  ITaman  !  — by  Jingo  I  will  I" 


THE    MERCHANT   OF   VENICE-  57 

When  apprized  of  this  flaw, 

You  never  yet  saw 
Such  an  awfully  mark'd  elongation  of  jaw 
As  in  Siiylock,  who  cried,  "  Plesh  ma  heart,  ish  dat  law?" — 

—  Oif  went  his  three  hats, 

And  he  look'd  as  the  cats 
Do,  whenever  a  mouse  has  escaped  from  their  claw. 
*'  —  Ish't  the  law?" — why  the  thing  won't  admit  of  a  query— 

"No  doubt  of  the  fact. 

Only  look  at  the  act ; 
Ado  quinio,  cap:  terlio,  Dogi  Falieri — 
Nay,  if,  rather  than  cut  you  'd  relinquish  the  debt> 
The  Law,  Master  Shy,  has  a  hold  on  you  yet. 
See  Foscari's  '  Statutes  at  large' — '  If  a  stranger 
A  Citizen's  life  shall,  with  malice,  endanger, 
The  whole  of  his  property,  little  or  great. 
Shall  go,  on  conviction,  one  half  to  the  State, 
And  one  to  the  person  pursued  by  his  hate ; 

And.  not  to  create 

Any  farther  debate, 
The  Doge,  if  he  pleases,  may  cut  off  his  pate,' 
So  down  on  your  marrowbones,  Jew,  and  ask  mercy, 
Defendant  and  Plaintiff  are  now  wisy  wersyJ" 

What  need  to  declare 

How  pleased  they  all  were 
At  so  joyful  an  end  to  so  sad  an  affair  ? 
Or  Bassanio's  delight  at  the  turn  things  had  taken. 
His  friend  having  saved,  to  the  letter,  his  bacon?  — 
How  Shylock  got  shaved,  and  turn'd  Christian,  though  'ate. 
To  save  a  life-int'rest  in  half  his  estate  ?  — 
How  the  dandified  Lawyer,  who  'd  managed  the  thing 
Would  not  take  any  fee  for  his  pains  but  a  ring 
Which  Airs.  Bassanio  had  giv'n  to  her  spouse. 
With  injunctions  to  keep  it,  on  leaving  the  house  ?  — 


58  A    LEGEND    OF    ITALY. 

How  when  he,  and  the  spark 

Who  appear'd  as  his  clerk, 
Had  thrown  oif  their  wigs,  and  their  gowns,  and  their  jettj 

coats, 
There  stood  Nerissa  and  Portia  in  petticoats  ?  — 
How  they  pouted,  and  flouted,  and  acted  the  cruel, 
Becrtiuse  Lord  Bassanio  had  not  kept  his  jewel?  — 

How  they  scolded  and  broke  out. 

Till,  having  their  joke  out, 
The;j  kiss'd,  and  were  friends,  and  all  blessing  and  blessed, 

Drove  home  by  the  hght 

Of  a  moonshiny  night, 
Liko  clie  one  in  which  Troilus,  the  brave  Trojan  knight, 
Sat  ittftride  on  a  wall,  and  sigh'd  after  his  Cressid  ?— 

All  this,  if  'twere  meet, 

I  'd  go  on  to  repeat. 
But  a  story  spun  out  so 's  by  no  means  a  treat. 
So,  I  '11  merely  relate  what,  in  spite  of  the  pains 
I  have  taken  to  rummage  among  his  remains, 
No  edition  of  Shakspeare,  I  've  met  with,  contains ; 
But,  if  the  account  which  I  've  heard  be  the  true  one, 
VVe  shall  have  it,  no  doubt,  before  long,  in  a  new  one. 

In  an  MS.,  then,  sold 

For  its  full  weight  in  gold. 
And  knock'd  down  to  my  friend.  Lord  Tom-noddy,  I'm  told 
It 's  recorded  that  Jessy,  coquettish  and  vain, 
Gave  her  husband,  Lorenzo,  a  good  deal  of  pain ; 
Being  mildly  rebuked,  she  levanted  again. 
Ran  away  with  a  Scotchman,  and,  crossing  the  main, 
Became  known  by  the  name  of  the  "  Flower  of  Dumblane." 

That  Antonio,  whose  piety  caused,  as  we've  seen, 
Him  to  spit  upon  every  old  Jew's  gaberdine, 


THE    MERCHANT    OF   TENICE.  59 

And  wliose  goodness  to  paint 

All  colours  were  faint, 
Acquired  the  well-merited  prefix  of  "  Saint," 
Aud  the  Doge,  his  admirer,  of  honour  the  fount, 
Having  given  him  a  patent,  and  made  him  a  Count, 
He  went  over  to  England,  got  nat'ralis'd  there, 
And  espous'd  a  rich  heiress  in  Hanover  Square. 
That  Shylock  came  with  him,  no  longer  a  Jew, 
But  converted,  I  think  may  be  possibly  true, 
But  that  Walpole,  as  these  self-same  papers  aver, 
By  changing  the  y  in  his  name  into  er. 
Should  allow  him  a  fictitious  surname  to  dish  up 
And  in  Seventeen-twenty-eight  make  him  a  Bishop, 
I  cannot  believe  —  l?ut  shall  still  think  them  two  men 
Till  some  Sage  proves  the  fact  "  with  his  usual  acumen.** 


Moral. 

From  this  tale  of  the  Bard 

It 's  uncommonly  hard 
If  an  editor  can't  draw  a  moral. — 'Tis  clear, 
Then, —  In  ev'ry  young  wife-seeking  Bachelor's  ear 
A  maxim,  'bove  all  other  stories,  this  one  drums, 
*'  Pitch  Greek  to  old  Harry,  and  stick  to  Conundrums  ! ! 

To  new-married  Ladies  this  lesson  it  teaches, 

**  You  're  'no  that  far  wrong '  in  assuming  the  breeches  !'* 

Monied  men  upon  'Change,  and  rich  Merchants  it  schools 

To  look  well  to  assets  —  nor  play  with  edge  tools  ! 

Last  of  all,  this  remarkable  History  shows  men. 

What  caution  they  need  when  they  deal  with  old-clathes-men  ' 

So  bid  John  and  Mary 

To  mind  and  be  wary. 
And  never  let  one  of  them  come  down  the  are'  I 


60  A    LEGEND   OF    SPAIN. 

From  St.  Mark  to  St.  Lawrence — from  the  Rialto  to 
the  Escurial — from  one  Peninsula  to  another  ! — it  is  but 
a  hop,  step,  and  jump  —  your  toe  at  Genoa,  your  heel  at 
Marseilles,  and  a  good  hearty  spring  pops  you  down  at 
once  in  the  very  heart  of  Old  Castille.     That  Sir  Pere- 
grine Ingoldsby,  then  a  young  man,  was  at  Madrid  soon 
after  the  peace  of  Ryswic-k  there  is  extant  a  long  cor- 
respondence of  his  to  prove.     Various    passages   in   it 
countenance    the    supposition    that  his  tour  was  partly 
undertaken  for  political  purposes;    and  this    opinion  is 
much  strengthened  by  certain  allusions  in  several  of  his 
letters  addressed,  in  after  life,  to  his  friend,  Sir  Horace 
Mann,  then  acting  in  the  capacity  of  Envoy  to  the  Court 
of  Tuscany.    Although  the  Knight  spent  several  months 
in  Spain,  and  visited  many  of  her  principal  cities,  there 
is  no  proof  of  his  having  actually  ''seen  Seville,''  beyond 
the  internal  evidence  incidentally  supplied  by  the  follow- 
ing legend.     The    events  to  which  it  alludes  were,  of 
course,  of  a  much  earlier  date,  though  the  genealogical 
records  of  the  "  Kings  of  both  the  Indies''  have  been  in 
vain  consulted  for  the    purpose   of  fixing  their  precise 
date,  and  even  Mr.  Simpkinson's  research  has  failed  to 
determine  which  of  the  royal  stock  rejoicing  in  the  name 
of  Ferdinand  is  the  hero  of  the  legend.     The  conglome- 
ration of  Christian  names  usual  in  the  families  of  the 
haute  noblesse  of  Spain  adds  to  the  difficulty ;  not  that 
this  inconvenient  accumulation  of  prefixes  is  peculiar  to 
the    country  in  question,  witness    my    excellent   friend 
Field-Marshal  Count  Herman   Karl   Heinrich    Socrates 
von    der  Nodgerrie  zii  Pfefl'erkorn,  whose    appellations 


THE    AUTO-DA-f£.  61 

puzzled  the  recording  clerk  of  one  of  our  Courts  lately, 
— and  that  not  a  little. 

That  a  splendid  specimen  of  the  genus  Homo,  species 
Monh,  flourished  in  the  earlier  moiety  of  the  15th  cen- 
tury, under  the  appellation  of  Torquemada,  is  notorious, 
— and  this  fact  might  seem  to  establish  the  era  of  the 
Btory;  but  then  his  name  was  John  —  not  Dominic  — 
though  he  was  a  Dominican,  and  hence  the  mistake, 
if  any,  may  perhaps  have  originated  —  but  then  again 
the  Spanish  Queen  to  whom  he  was  Confessor  was 
called  Isabella,  and  not  Blanche — it  is  a  puzzling  uifair 
altogether. 

From  his  own  silence  on  the  subject  it  may  well  be 
doubted  whether  the  worthy  transcriber  knew  himself, 
the  date  of  the  transactions  he  has  recorded.;  the  authen- 
ticity of  the  details,  however,  cannot  be  well  callxid  in 
question. — Be  this  as  it  may,  I  shall  make  na  /urther 
question,  but  at  once  introduce  my  *'  pensiv    f/J/s. "  to 


THE  AUTO-l)A-r^. 

A   LEGEND    OF    SPAIN. 

With  a  moody  air,  from  morn  till  noon, 
King  Ferdinand  paces  the  royal  saloon  ; 
From  morn  till  eve 
He  does  nothing  but  grieve ; 
Sighings  and  sobbings  his  midriff  heave, 
And  he  wipes  his  eyes  with  his  emiined  sleeve, 
And  he  presses  his  feverish  hand  to  his  brow, 
And  he  frowns  and  he  looks  I  can 't  tell  you  how ; 
And -the  Spanish  Grandees, 
In  their  degrees, 
And  whispering  about  in  twos  and  in  threes, 
And  there  is  not  a  man  of  them  seems  at  his  ease. 
But  they  gaze  on  the  monarch,  as  watching  what  he  dotJS, 
With  their  very  long  whiskers,  and  longer  Toledos. 
Don  Gaspar,  Don  Gusman,  Don  Juan,  Don  Diego, 
Don  Gomez,  Don  Pedro,  Don  Bias,  Don  Rodrigo, 
Don  Jerome,  Don  Giacomo  join  Don  Alphonso 
In  making  inquiries 
Of  grave  Don  Ramirez, 
The  Chamberlain,  what  it  is  makes  him  take  on  so ; 
A  Monarch  so  great  that  the  soundest  opinions 
Maintain  the  sun  can 't  set  throughout  his  dominions  ; 
But  grave  Don  Ramirez 
In  guessing  no  higher  is 
Than  the  other  grave  Dons  who  propound  these  inquines ; 
When,  pausing  at  length,  as  beginning  to  tire,  his 
Majesty  beckons,  with  stately  civility, 

(02) 


THE    AUTO-DA-Ff.  63 

To  SeSor  Don  Lewis 

Cond^  d'Aranjuez, 
Who  in  birth,  wealth,  and  consequence  second  to  few  is. 
And  Senor  Don  Manuel,  Count  de  Pacheco, 
A  lineal  descendant  from  King  Pharaoh  Neco, 
Both  Knights  of  the  Golden  Fleece,  highborn  Hidalgos, 
With  whom  e'en  the  King  himself  quite  as  a  "pal"  goei 

"Don  Lewis,"  says  he, 

"  Just  listen  to  me  ; 
And  you,  Count  Pacheco, — I  think  that  we  three 
On  matters  of  state,  for  the  most  part  agree, — 

Now  you  both  of  you  know 

That  some  six  years  ago. 
Being  then,  for  a  King,  no  indifferent  Beau, 
At  the  altar  I  took,  like  my  forbears  of  old, 

The  Peninsula's  paragon. 

Fair  Blanche  of  Aragon, 
For  better,  for  worse,  and  to  have  and  to  hold  — 

And  you  're  fully  aware, 

When  the  matter  took  air. 
How  they  shouted,  and  fired  the  great  guns  in  the  Square, 
Cried  '  Viva  /'  and  rung  all  the  bells  in  the  steeple, 

And  all  that  sort  of  thing 

The  mob  do  when  a  King 
Brings  a  Queen-Consort  home  for  the  good  of  his  people. 

Well !  —  six  years  and  a  day 

Have  flitted  away 
Since  that  blessed  event,  yet  I  'm  sorry  to  say — 
In  fact  it's  the  principal  cause  of  my  pain  — 
I  don't  see  any  signs  of  an  Infant  of  Spain!  — 

Now  I  want  to  ask  you. 

Cavaliers  true. 
And  Counsellors  sage — what  the  deuce  shall  I  do?— . 


64  A    LEGEND    OF    SPAIN. 

The  State  —  don't  you  see? — hey?  —  an  heir  to  the  throne-« 
Every  monarch  —  you  know  —  should  have  one  of  his  own  — 
Disputed  succession — hey? — terrible  Go!  — 
Hum !  — hey?  — Old  fellows — you  see !  —  don't  you  know  ?" 

Now  Reader,  dear, 

If  you've  ever  been  near 
Enough  to  a  C'ourt  to  encounter  a  Peer 
"When  his  principal  tenant 's  gone  off  in  arrear, 
And  his  brewer  has  sent  in  a  long  bill  for  beer, 
And  his  butcher  and  baker,  with  faces  austere, 

Ask  him  to  clear 

Off,  for  furnish'd  good  cheer, 
Bills,  they  say,  "have  been  standing  for  more  than  a  yeai," 
And  the  tailor  and  shoemaker  also  appear 

With  their  "little  account" 

Of  "  trifling  amount," 
For  Wellingtons,  waistcoats,  pea-jackets,  and  —  gear 
Which  to  name  in  society 's  thought  rather  queer, — 
While  Drummond's  chief  clerk,  with  his  pen  in  his  ear. 
And  a  kind  of  a  sneer,  says  "  We  've  no  eflects  here !" 

—  Or  if  ever  you've  seen 

An  Alderman,  keen 

After  turtle,  peep  into  a  silver  tureen, 
In  search  of  the  fat  csdVdpar  excellence  "green," 
When  there 's  none  of  the  meat  left  —  not  even  the  lean !  — 
—  Or  if  ever  you've  witness'd  the  face  of  a  sailor 
Return'd  from  a  voyage,  and  escaped  from  a  gale,  or 
Poetic^  '*  Boreas,"  that  "  blustering  railer," 
To  find  that  his  wife,  when  he  hastens  to  "hail"  her 
Has  just  run  away  with  his  cash  —  and  a  tailor  — 
If  one  of  these  cases  you  've  ever  survey'd. 

You  '11,  without  my  aid, 

To  yourself  have  pourtray'd 
The  beautiful  mystification  display'd, 


THE    AUTO-DA-F^.  05 

And  the  puzzled  expression  of  manner  and  air 
Exhibited  now  by  the  dignified  pair, 
"When  thus  unexpectedly  ask'd  to  declare 
Their  opinions  as  Counsellors,  several  and  joint, 
On  so  delicate,  grave,  and  important  a  point. 

Senor  Don  Lewis 

Cond^  d'Aranjuez 
At  length  forced  a  smile  'twixt  the  prim  and  the  grim. 
And  look'd  at  Pacheco  —  Pacheco  at  him  — 
Then,  making  a  rev'rence,  and  dropping  his  eyes, 
Cough'd,  hemm'd,  and  deliver'd  himself  in  this  wise : 

"My  Liege! — unaccustom'd  as  I  am  to  speaking 
In  public  —  an  art  I'm  remarkably  weak  in  — 
I  feel  I  should  be  —  quite  unworthy  the  name 
Of  a  man  and  a  Spaniard  —  and  highly  to  blame, 

Were  there  not  in  my  breast 

What — can't  be  exprest, — 
And  can  therefore, — your  Majesty,  —  only  be  guess'd— 
—  What  I  mean  to  say  is  —  since  your  Majesty  deigns 
To  ask  my  advice  on  your  welfare  —  and  Spain's, — 
And  jn  that  of  your  Majesty's  Bride  —  that  is.  Wife— . 
It's  the — as  I  may  say — proudest  day  of  my  life ! 
But  as  to  the  point — on  a  subject  so  nice 
It's  a  delicate  matter  to  give  one's  advice. 

Especially,  too, 

When  one  don't  clearly  view 
The  best  mode  of  proceeding, —  or  know  what  to  do; 
My  decided  opinion,  however,  is  this. 
And  I  fearlessly  say  tliat  you  can't  do  amiss, 

If,  with  all  that  fine  tact 

Both  to  think  and  to  act. 
In  which  all  know  your  Majesty  so  much  excels — 
You  are  graciously  pleased  to  —  ask  somebody  else  I" 
6* 


06  A   LEGEND   OF    SPAIN. 

Here  the  noble  Grandee 

Made  that  sort  of  congee, 
Which,  as  Hill  used  to  say,  "I  once  happen'' d  to  see" 
The  great  Indian  conjuror,  Ranio  Samee, 
Make,  while  swallowing  what  all  thought  a  regular  choker. 
Viz.  a  small-sword  as  long  and  as  stiff  as  a  poker. 

Then  the  Count  de  Pacheco, 

Whose  turn  'twas  to  speak,  o- 
►mitting  all  preface,  exclaim'd  with  devotion 
"  Sire,  I  beg  leave  to  second  Don  Lewis's  motion !" 

Now  a  Monarch  of  Spain 

Of  course  could  not  deign 
To  expostulate,  argue,  or,  much  less,  complain 
Of  an  answer  thus  giv'n,  or  to  ask  them  again ; 
So  he  merely  observ'd,  with  an  air  of  disdain, 
"Well,  Gentlemen, —  since  you  both  shrink  from  the  task 
Of  advising  your  Sovereign  —  pray  whom  shall  I  ask?" 

Each  felt  the  rub. 

And  in  Spain  not  a  Sub, 
Much  less  an  Hidalgo,  can  stomach  a  snub, 

So  the  noses  of  these 

Castilian  Grandees 
Rise  at  once  in  an  angle  of  several  degrees, 
Till  the  under-lip 's  almost  becoming  the  upper, 
Each  perceptibly  grows,  too,  more  stiff  in  the  crupper. 

Their  right  hands  rest 

On  the  left  side  the  breast, 
While  the  hilts  of  their  swords,  by  their  left  hands  deprest, 
Make  the  ends  of  their  scabbards  to  cock  up  behind 
Till  they  're  quite  horizontal  instead  of  inclined, 
And  Don  Lewis,  with  scarce  an  attempt  to  disguise 
The  disgust  he  experiences,  gravely  replies, 
"Sire,  ask  the  Archbishop  —  his  Grace  of  Toledo! — 
he  understands  these  things  much  better  than  we  do !" 

— Paiica  Verba!  —  enough, 
Each  turns  off  iu  a  huff, 


THE    AUTO-DA-f£.  67 

This  t^rirling  his  mustache,  that  fingering  his  ruflf, 

Like  a  blue-bottle  fly  on  a  rather  large  scale, 

With  a  rather  large  corking-pin  stuck  through  his  tail. 


King  Ferdinand  paces  the  royal  saloon, 

With  a  moody  broW,  and  he  looks  like  a  "  Spoon," 

And  all  the  Court  Nobles,  who  form  the  ring, 

Have  a  spoony  appearance,  of  course,  like  the  King, 

All  of  them  eyeing  King  Ferdinand 

As  he  goes  up  and  down,  with  his  watch  in  his  hand, 

Which  he  claps  to  his  ear  as  he  walks  to  and  fro, — 

"  What  is  it  can  make  the  Archbishop  so  slow  ?" 

Hark !  — at  last  there's  a  sound  in  the  courtyard  below. 

Where  the  Beefeaters  all  are  drawn  up  in  a  row, — 

I  would  say  the  "Guards,"  for  in  Spain  they're  in  chief  eaters 

Of  omelettes  and  garlic,  and  can't  be  call'd  Beefeaters  ; 

In  fact,  of  the  few 

Individuals  I  knew 
Who  ever  had  happened  to  travel  in  Spain, 
There  has  scarce  been  a  person  who  did  not  complain 
Of  their  cookery  and  dishes  as  all  bad  in  grain. 
And  no  one  I  'm  sure  will  deny  it  who 's  tried  a 
Vile  compound  they  have  that 's  called  Olla  podrida, 

(This,  by  the  bye, 

's  a  mere  rhyme  to  the  eye. 
For  in  Spanish  the  i  is  pronounced  like  an  e, 
And  they  've  not  quite  our  mode  of  pronouncing  the  d. 
In  Castille,  for  instance,  it's  given  through  the  teeth. 
And  what  we  call  Madrid  they  sound  more  like  Mtidreeth,) 
Of  course  you  will  see  in  a  moment  they've  no  men 
That  at  all  correspond  with  our  Beefeating  Yeomen  ; 
So  call  them  "Walloons,"  or  whatever  you  please. 
By  their  rattles  and  slaps  they're  not  "standing  at  case/* 

But,  beyond  all  disputing. 

Engaged  in  saluting, 


68  A    LEGEND   OF    SPAIN. 

Some  very  great  person  among  the  Grandees ; — 

Here  a  gentleman  Usher  walks  in  and  declares, 

"  His  Grace  the  Archbishop's  a-coming  up  stairs!" 

The  most  Reverend  Don  Garcilasso  Quevedo 
Was  just  at  this  time,  as  he 
Now  held  the  Primacy, 
(Always  attached  to  the  See  of  Toledo,) 
A  man  of  great  worship  officii  virtute 
Versed  in  all  that  pertains  to  a  Counsellor's  duty, 
Well  skill'd  to  combine 
Civil  law  with  divine ; 
As  a  statesman,  inferior  to  none  in  that  line ; 
As  an  orator,  too, 
He  was  equalled  by  few ; 
Uniting,  in  short,  in  tongue,  head-piece,  and  pen. 
The  very  great  powers  of  three  very  great  men, 
Talleyrand, — who  will  never  drive  down  Piccadilly  more 
To  the  Traveller's  Club-House !  —  Charles  Phillips  —  and  Philli 
more, 

Not  only  at  home 
But  even  at  Rome 
There  was  not  a  Prelate  among  them  could  cope 
With  the  Primate  of  Spain  in  the  eyes  of  the  Pope. 
(The  Conclave  was  full,  and  they'd  not  a  spare  hat, 

or  he 
'd  long  since  been  Cardinal,  Legate  h  latere, 
A  dignity  fairly  his  due,  without  flattery, 
So  much  he  excited  among  all  beholders 
Their  marvel  to  see 
At  his  age  —  thirty-three 
Such  a  very  old  head  on  such  very  young  shoulders,) 
No  wonder  the  King,  then,  in  this  his  distress, 
Should  send  for  so  sage  an  adviser  express, 
Who,  you  '11  readily  guess. 
Could  not  do  less 


THE    AUTO-DA-F^.  60' 

Than  start  off  at  once  without  stopping  to  dress, 
In  his  haste  to  get  Majesty  out  of  a  mess. 

His  grace  the  Archbishop  comes  up  the  back  way — 
Set  apart  for  such  Nobles  as  have  the  etitree, 
Viz.  Grandees  of  the  first  class,  both  cleric  and  lay — 
Walks  up  to  the  monarch,  and  makes  him  a  boW; 
As  a  dignified  clergyman  always  knows  how, 
'Then  replaces  the  mitre  at  once  on  his  brow  ; 
For  in  Spain,  recollect, 
As  a  mark  of  respect 
To  the  Crown,  if  a  Grandee  uncovers,  it's  quite 
As  a  matter  of  option,  and  not  one  of  right ; 
A  thing  not  conceded  by  our  Royal  Masters, 
Who  always  make  noblemen  take  off  their  "castors," 
Except  the  heirs  male 
Of  John  Lord  Kinsale, 
A  stalwart  old  Baron,  who,  acting  as  Henchman 
To  one  of  our  eairly  Kings,  kill'd  a  big  Frenchman ; 
A  feat  which  his  Majesty  deigning  to  smile  on, 
Allow'd  him  thenceforward  to  stand  with  his  "  tile"  on ; 
And  ail  his  successors  have  kept  the  same  privilege 
Down  from  those  barbarous  times  to  our  civil  age. 

Returning  his  bow  with  a  slight  demi-bob, 

And  replacing  the  watch  in  his  hand  in  his  fob, 

"  My  Lord,"  said  the  King,  "  here 's  a  rather  tough  job, 

Which  it  seems,  of  a  sort  is 

To  puzzle  our  Cortes, 
And  since  H  has  quite  flabbergasted  that  Diet,  I 
Look  to  your  Grace  with  no  little  anxiety 

Concerning  a  point 

Which  has  quite  out  of  joint 
Put  us  all  with  respect  to  the  good  of  society :  — 

Your  Grace  is  aware 

That  we  've  not  got  an  Heir ; 
Now,  it  seems,  one  arid  all,  they  don't  stick  to  declare  '  '  ^ 


70  A    LEGEND   OF    SPAIN. 

That  of  all  our  advisers  tlicre  is  not  in  Spain  one 
Can  tell,  like  your  Grace,  the  best  way  to  obtain  one; 
So  put  y)ur  considering  cap  on — we're  curious 
To  learn  your  receipt  for  a  Prince  of  Asturias." 

One  without  the  nice  tact 

Of  his  Grace  would  have  backt 
Out  at  once,  as  the  Noblemen  did,  —  and,  in  fact, 
He  was,  at  the  first,  rather  pozed  how  to  act  — 

One  moment  —  no  morel 

Bowing  then  as  before, 
He  said,  '  Sire,  'twere  superfluous  for  me  to  acquaint 
The  *  Most  Catholic  King'  in  the  world,  that  a  Saint 

Is  the  usual  resource 

In  these  cases,  —  of  course 
Of  their  influence  your  Majesty  well  knows  the  force; 
If  I  may  be,  therefore,  allow'd  to  suggest 
The  plan  which  occurs  to  my  mind  as  the  best, 

Your  Majesty  may  go 

At  once  to  St.  Jago, 
Whom,  as  Spain's  patron  Saint,  I  pick  out  from  the  rest; 

If  your  Majesty  looks 

Into  Guthrie,  or  Brooks, 
In  all  the  approved  Geographical  books 
You  will  find  Compostella  laid  down  in  the  maps 
Some  two  hundred  and  sev'nty  miles  ofl";  and,  perhaps, 
In  a  case  so  important,  you  may  not  decline 
A  pedestrian  excursion  to  visit  his  shrine ; 

And,  Sire,  should  you  choose 

To  put  peas  in  your  shoes, 
The  Saint,  as  a  Gentleman,  can't  well  refuse 
So  distinguish'd  a  Pilgrim,  —  especially  when  he 
Considers  the  boon  will  not  cost  him  one  penny!" 

His  speech  ended,  his  Grace  bow'd,  and  put  on  his  mitre 
As  tight  as  before,  and  perhars  a  thought  tighter. 


THE    AUT0-DA-r:6.  71 

«*Pooh!  pooh  I"  says  the  I^ng, 

"  I  shall  do  no  such  thing ! 
It 's  nonsense, —  Old  fellow  —  you  see  —  no  use  talking  — 
The  peas  set  apart,  I  abominate  walking  — 
Such  a  deuced  way  oflF,  too  —  hey  ? — w^lk  there — what  me  ? 
Pooh! — it's  no  Go,  Old  fellow! — you  know  —  do  n't  you  see?*' 

**  Well,  Sire,"  with  much  sweetness  the  Prelate  replied, 
*'  If  your  Majesty  don't  like  to  walk — you  can  ride ! 

And  then,  if  you  please. 

In  heu  of  the  peas, 
A  small  portion  of  horse-hair,  cut  fine,  we  '11  insert, 
As  a  substitute  under  your  Majesty's  shirt; 
Then  a  rope  round  your  collar  instead  of  a  laced  band, — 
A  few  nettles  tuck'd  into  your  Majesty's  waistband, — 
Asafoetida  mix'd  with  your  bouquet  and  civet, 
I  '11  warrant  you  '11  find  yourself  right  as  a  trivet '" 

"  Pooh  !  pooh ! 
I  tell  you," 
Quoth  the  King.     "  it  won't  do !" — 
A  cold  perspiration  began  to  bedew 
His  Majesty's  cheek,  and  he  grew  in  a  stew, 
"\Vhen  Joz^  de  Humez,  the  King's  privy-purse-keeper, 
(Many  folks  thought  it  could  scarce  have  a  worse  keeper) 
Came  to  the  rescue,  and  said  with  a  smile, 
*'  Sire,  your  Majesty  can  'i  go — 'twould  take  a  long  wliile, 
And  you  won't  post  it  under  two  shillings  a  mile  I ! 
Twenty-seven  pounds  ten 
To  get  there  —  and  then 
Twenty-seven  pounds  ten  more  to  get  back  agen ! ! 
Sire,  the  toitle  's  enormous  —  you  ought  to  be  King 
Of  Golconda  as  well  as  the  Indies,  to  fling 
Such  a  vast  sum  away  upon  any  such  thing !" 

At  this  second  rebuff 
The  Archbishop  look'd  gruff. 
And  his  eye  glanced  on  Humez  as  if  he'd  say  "  Stuff!" 


72  A    LEGEND    OF    SPAIN. 

But  seeing  the  King  seem'd  himself  in  a  huff, 

He  changed  his  demeanour,  and  grew  smooth  enough ; 

Then  taking  his  chin  'twixt  his  finger  and  thumb, 

As  a  help  to  reflection,  gave  vent  to  a  "  Hum !" 

'Twas  the  pause  of  an  instant — his  eye  assumed  fast 

That  expression  which  says,  "Come,  I've  got  it  at  last  I" 

"  There's  one  plan,"  he  resumed,"  which  with  all  due  respect  vo 
Your  Majesty,  no  one,  I  think,  can  object  to  — 
— Since  your  Majesty  don't  like  the  peas  in  the  shoe  —  or  to 
Travel  — what  say  you  to  burning  a  Jew  or  two  ? — 

Of  all  cookeries,  most 

The  Saints  love  a  roast  1 
And  a  Jew 's,  of  all  others,  the  best  dish  to  toast ; 

And  then  for  a  Cook 

We  have  not  far  to  look  — 
Father  Dominic's  self.  Sire,  your  own  Grand  Inquisitoi% 
Luckily  now  at  your  Court  is  a  visitor ; 
Of  his  Rev'rence's  functions  there  is  not  one  weightier 
Than  Heretic-burning  — in  fact,  't  is  his  mitier. 

Besides  Alguazils 

Who  still  follow  his  heels. 
He  has  always  Familiars  enough  at  his  beck  at  home, 
To  pick  you  up  Hebrews  enough  for  a  hecatomb ! 
And  depend  on  it,  Sire,  such  a  glorious  specific 
Would  make  every  Queen  throughout  Europe  prolific !" 

Says  the  King,  "That '11  do! 

Pooh !  pooh !  —  burn  a  Jew  ? 
Bum  half  a  score  Jews  —  burn  a  dozen  — bum  two — 

Your  Grace,  it's  a  match! 

Burn  all  you  can  catch. 
Men,  women,  and  children  —  Pooh !  pooh ! —  great  and  small  — 
Old  clothes — slippers — sealing-wax — Pooh ! — burn  them  all. 

For  once  we'll  be  gay, 

A  Grand  Auto-da-f6 
Is  much  better  fun  than  a  ball  or  a  play !' 


THE    AUTO-DA-Ffi.  73 

So  the  warrant  was  made  out  without  more  delay, 
Drawn,  seal'd,  and  delivered,  and 

(Signed) 

YO  EL  RE! 


There  is  not  a  nation  in  Europe  but  labours 
To  toady  itself,  and  to  humbug  its  neighbours  — • 
**  Earth  has  no  such  folks  — no  folks  such  a  city, 
So  great,  or  so  grand,  or  so  fine,  or  so  pretty," 

Said  Louis  Quatorze, 

"As  this  Paris  of  ours !" 
—Mr.  Daniel  O'Connell  exclaims,  "By  the  Pow'rs, 
Ould  Ii'eland  's  on  all  hands  admitted  to  be 
The  first  flow'r  of  the  earth,  and  first  Girn  of  the  sea  I"— 
— Mr.  Bull  will  inform  you  that  Neptune, —  a  lad  he. 
With  more  of  affection  than  rev'rence,  styles,  "  Daddy," — 

Did  not  scruple  to  "  say 

To  Freedom,  one  day," 
That  if  ever  he  changed  his  aquatics  for  dry  land. 
His  home  should  be  Mr.  B.'s  "  Tight  little  Island." — 

He  adds,  too,  that  he, 

The  said  Mr.  B., 
Of  all  possible  Frenchmen  can  fight  any  three ; 
That,  with  no  greater  odds,  he  knows  well  how  to  treat  them. 
To  meet  them,  defeat  them,  and  beat  them,  and  eat  them. — 
—  In  Italy,  too,  'tis  the  same  to  the  letter; 

There  each  Lazzarone 

Will  cry  to  his  crony, 
«'  See  Naples,  then  die !  *  and  the  sooner  the  better!" 
The  Portugiiese  say,  as  a  well-understood  thing, 
"  Who  has  not  seen  Lisbon  |  has  not  seen  a  good  thing  !"— 

*  "  Vedi  Napoli  e  poi  mori !" 
f  "  Quem  nao  tern  visto  Lisboa 
Na5  tem  visto  cousa  boa." 


74  A    LEGEND    OF    SPAIJT. 

While  an  old  Spanish  proverb  runs  ghbly  as  under 

"  QUIEN    NO    HA    VISTO    SeVILLA 
No    HA   VISTO    MARAVILLA  !" 

**He  who  ne'er  has  view'd  Seville  has  ne'er  view'd  a  Wonder!" 
And  from  all  I  can  learn,  this  is  no  such  great  blunder. 

In  fact,  from  the  river. 

The  famed  Guadalquivir, 
Where  many  a  laiignt's  had  cold  steel  through  his  liver,* 
The  prospect  is  grand.     The  Iglesia  Mayor 
Has  a  splendid  effect  on  the  opposite  shore. 
With  its  lofty  Giralda,  while  two  or  three  secure 
Of  magnificent  structures  around,  perhaps  more, 
As  our  Irish  friends  have  it,  are  there  *'  to  the  fore ;" 

Then  the  old  Alcazar, 

More  ancient  by  far, 
As  some  say,  while  some  call  it  one  of  the  palaces 
Built  in  twelve  hundred  and  odd  by  Abdalasis, 
With  its  horse-shoe  shaped  arches  of  Arabesque  tracery. 
Which  the  architect  seems  to  have  studied  to  place  awry, 

Saracenic  and  rich ; 

And  more  buildings,  "the  which," 
As  old  Lilly,  in  whom  I  've  been  looking  a  bit  o'  late, 
Says,  "  You  'd  be  bored  should  I  now  recapitulate  ;"  f 

In  brief,  then,  the  view 

Is  so  fine  and  so  new. 
It  would  make  you  exclaim,  'twould  so  forcibly  strike  ye, 
[f  a  Frenchman,  '^Superbe!" — if  an  Englishman,  ''Crikey!!** 

Yes !  thou  art  "  Wonderful  !" — but  oh, 
'Tis  sad  to  think,  'mid  scenes  so  bright 

*  "  Rio  verde,  Ria  verde,  &c." 
"Glassy  water,  glassy  water, 

Down  whose  current  clear  and  strong, 
Chiefs,  confused  in  mutual  slaughter, 

Moor  and  Christian,  roll  along." — Old  SpanisJi  J?omance. 

f  Cum  multis  aliis  quae  nunc  perscribere  longum  est. 

Projrria  qucE  maribus. 


THE   AUTO-DA-Ff.  76 

As  tliine,  fair  Seville,  sounds  of  woe, 

And  slirieks  of  pain  and  yn\(l  affriglit, 
And  soul-wrung  groans  of  deep  despair. 
And  blood,  and  death  should  mingle  there ! 

Yes!  thou  art  "Wonderful!" — the  flames 

That  on  thy  towers  reflected  shine, 
While  earth's  proud  Lords  and  high-bom  Dames, 

Descendants  of  a  mighty  line, 
With  cold  unalter'd  looks  are  by 
To  gaze,  with  an  unpitying  eye, 
On  wretches  in  their  agony. 

All  speak  thee  "Wonderful" — the  phrase 

Befits  thee  well  —  the  fearful  blaze 

Of  yon  piled  faggots'  lurid  light, 

Where  writhing  victims  mock  the  sight, — 

The  scorch'd  limb  shrivelling  in  its  chains,— 

The  hot  blood  parch'd  in  living  veins, — 

The  crackling  nerve  —  the  fearful  knell 

Wrung  out  by  that  remorseless  bell, — 

Those  shouts  from  human  fiends  that  swell, — 

That  withering  scream, —  that  frantic  yell, 

All,  Seville,— all  too  truly  tell 

Thou  art  a  "Marvel" — and  a  Hell! 

God !  —  that  the  worm  whom  thou  hast  made 

Should  thus  his  brother  worm  invade ! 

Count  deeds  like  these  good  service  done, 

And  deem  THINE  eye  looks  smiling  on!! 

Yet  there  at  his  ease,  with  his  whole  Court  around  him, 
King  Ferdinand  sits  "in  his  Glory" — confound  him !  — 

Leaning  back  in  his  chair, 

With  a  satisfied  air, 
And  enjoying  the  bother,  the  smoke  and  the  smother, 
With  one  Imee  cock'd  carelessly  over  the  other : 


7(/  A    LEGEND    OF    SPAIN. 

His  pouncet-box  goes 

To  and  fro  at  his  nose, 
As  somewhat  misliking  the  smell  of  old  clothes. 
And  seeming  to  hint,  by  this  action  emphatic, 
That  Jews,  e'en  when  roasted,  are  not  aromatic  ; 

There,  too,  fair  Ladies 

From  Xeres,  and  Cadiz, 
Catalinas,  and  Julias,  and  fair  iSesillas, 
In  splendid  lace-veils  and  becoming  mantiUas  ; 
Eviras,  Antonias,  and  Claras,  and  Floras, 
And  dark-eyed  Jacinthas,  and  soft  Isidoras, 
Are  crowding  the  "boxes,"  and  looking  on  coolly  as 
Though  't  was  but  one  of  their  common  teriuHas, 
Partaking,  as  usual,  of  wafer  and  ices, 
Snow-water,  and  melons  cut  out  into  slices, 
And  chocolate, —  furnish'd  at  coflFee-house  prices , 

"While  many  a  suitor, 

And  gay  coadjutor 
In  the  eating-and-drinking  line,  scorns  to  be  neuter 
One,  being  perhaps  just  return'd  with  liis  tutor 
From  travel  in  England,  is  tempting  his  '''future" 
"With  a  luxury  neat  as  imported,  "  The  Pewter," 
And  charming  the  dear  Violantes  and  Ineses 
With  a  three-corner'd  Sandwich,  and  soupqon  of  "  Guinness's ;' 
While  another,  from  Paris  but  newly  come  back, 
Hints  "  the  least  taste  in  Hfe  "  of  the  best  cogniac. 

Such  ogling  and  eyeing, 

In  short,  and  such  sighing. 

And  such  complimenting  (one  must  not  say  1 g), 

Of  smart  Cavaliers  with  each  other  still  vying, 

Mix'd  up  with  the  crying. 

And  groans  of  the  dyings 
All  hissing,  and  spitting,  and  broiling  and  frying, 
Form  a  scene,  which,  although  there  can  be  no  denying 
To  a  bon  Catholique  it  may  prove  edifying. 


THE    AUTO-DA-FB.  7/ 

I  doubt  if  a  l*rotestant  smart  Beau,  or  merry  Belle 
Might  not  shrink  from  it  as  somewhat  too  teiTible. 

It 's  a  question  with  me  if  you  ever  survey'd  a 
More  stern-looking  mortal  than  old  Torquemada, 
Renown'd  Father  Dominic,  famous  for  twisting  dom- 
estic and  foreign  necks  all  over  Christendom  ; 

Morescoes  or  Jews, 

Not  a  penny  to  choose, 
If  a  dog  of  a  heretic  dare  to  refuse 
A  glass  of  old  port,  or  a  slice  from  a  griskin. 
The  good  Padre  soon  would  so  set  him  a  frisking. 
That  I  would  not,  for — more  than  I  '11  say — be  in  his  skin. 

*T  was  just  the  same  thing  with  his  own  race  and  nation, 
And  Christian  Dissenters  of  every  persuasion, 

Muggletonian,  or  Quaker, 

Or  Jumper,  or  Shaker, 
No  matter  with  whom  in  opinion  partaker, 
George  Whitfield,  John  Bunyan,  or  Thomas  Gat-acre, 
They  'd  no  better  chance  than  a  Bronze  or  a  Fakir ; 
If  a  woman,  it  skill'd  not — if  she  did  not  deem  as  he 
Bade  her  to  deem  touching  Papal  supremacy. 

By  the  Pope,  but  he  'd  make  her ! 

From  error  awake  her. 
Or  else  —  pop  her  into  an  oven  and  bake  her ! 
No  one,  in  short,  ever  came  half  so  near,  as  he 
Did,  to  the  full  extirpation  of  heresy ; 
And  if,  in  times  of  which  now  I  am  treating, 
There  had  been  such  a  thing  as  a  "  Manchester  Meeting, 
"Pretty  pork"  he'd  have  made  "Moderator"  and  "Minister,'' 
Had  he  but  caught  them  on  his  side  Cape  Finisterre ; — 
Pye  Smith,  and  the  rest  of  them  once  in  his  bonfire,  hence 
forth  you'd  have  heard  little  more  of  the  "Conference  ' 

And  —  there  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  ring, 
He,  too,  sits  "in  his  Gloh  f,"  confronting  tlie  King, 
7* 


79  A    LEGEND    OF    SPAIN. 

"Willi  his  cast-iron  countenance  frowninc;  austerely, 
'J'hat  inatclied  with  his  en  bon  point  but  qiicerly. 
For,  though  grim  his  visage,  his  person  was  pursy, 

Belying  the  rumour 

Of  fat  folks'  good-humour; 
Above  waves  his  banner  of  "Justice  and  Mercy," 
Below  and  around  stand  a  terrible  band  ad- 
ding much  to  the  scene, —  viz.  The  "Holy  Ilermandad,''^ 
That's  Brotherhood," — each  looking  grave  as  a  Grand-dad. 

Within  the  arena 

Before  them  is  seen  a 
Strange,  odd-looking  group,  each  one  dress'd  in  a  garment 
Not  "dandified"  clearly,  as  certainly  "varment," 
Being  all  over  vipers  and  snakes,  and  stuck  thick 
With  multiplied  silhouette  profiles  of  Nick; 

And  a  cap  of  the  same. 

All  devils  and  flame, 
Extinguisher-shaped,  much  like  Salisbury  Spire, 
Except  that  the  latter 's  of  course  somewhat  higher ; 

A  long  yellow  pin-a-fore 

Hangs  down  each  chin  afore. 
On  which,  ere  the  wearer  had  donn'd  it,  a  man  drew 
The  Scotch  badge,  a  Saltire,  or  Cross  of  St.  Andrew ; 
Though  I  fairly  confess  I  am  quite  at  a  loss 
To  guess  why  they  should  choose  that  particular  cross. 

Or  to  make  clear  to  you 

What  the  Scotch  had  to  do 
At  all  with  the  business  in  hand, —  though  it's  true 
That  the  vestment  aforesaid,  perhaps,  from  its  hue, 
Viz.  yelloio,  in  juxta-position  with  blue, 
(A  tinge  of  which  latter  tint  could  but  accrue 
On  the  faces  of  wretches,  of  course,  in  a  stew 
As  to  what  their  tormentors  were  going  to  do,) 
Might  make  people  fancy,  who  no  better  knew. 
They  were  somehow  connected  with  Jeffrey's  Review; 


THE    AUTO-DA-Fi.  79 

Especially  too 

As  it's  certain  that  few 
Things  would  make  Father  Dominic  blither  or  happier 
Than  to  catch  hold  of  U,  or  its  Chef,  Macvey  Napier.— 
No  matter  for  that — my  description  to  crown, 
All  the  flames  and  the  devils  were  turn'd  upside  down 
On  this  habit,  facetiously  term'd  San  Benito, 

Much  like  the  dress  suit 

Of  some  nondescript  brute 
From  the  show-van  of  Wombwell,  (not  George,)  or  Polito. 

And  thrice  happy  they,* 

i)ress'd  out  in  this  way 

To  appear  with  iclat  at  the  Auto-da-Fe, 
Thrice  happy  indeed  whom  the  good  luck  might  fall  to 
Of  devils  tail  upward,  and  '-^  Fuego  revolto," 

For,  only  see  there, 

In  the  midst  of  the  Square, 

Where,  perch'd  up  on  poles  six  feet  high  in  the  air 
Sit,  chain'd  to  the  stake,  some  two,  three,  or  four  pair 
Of  wretches,  whose  eyes,  nose,  complexion,  and  hair 
Their  Jewish  descent  but  too  plainly  declare, 
Each  clothed  in  a  garment  more  frightful  by  far,  a 
Smock-frock  sort  of  gaberdine,  call'd  a  Samarra, 
With  three  times  the  number  of  devils  upon  it, — 
A  proportion  observed  on  the  sugar-loaf'd  bonnet, 
With  this  farther  distinction  —  of  mischief  a  proof — 
That  every  fiend  Jack  stands  upright  on  his  hoof! 

While  the  pictured  flames,  spread 

Over  body  and  head. 
Are  three  times  as  crook'd,  and  three  times  as  red ! 
All,  too,  pointing  upwards,  as  much  as  to  say, 
**  Here  *s  the  real  bonne  bouche  of  the  Auto-da-fd !" 

Torquemada,  meanwhile, 
With  his  cold,  cruel  smile, 

♦  0  fortunati  nimium  sua  si  bona  norinti 


80  A    LEGEND   OF    SPAIN- 

Sits  looking  on  calmly,  and  watching  the  pile, 

As  his  hooded  "Familiars"  (their  names,  as  some  tell,  come 

From  their  being  so  much  more  "  familiar  "  than  "  welcome,") 

Have,  by  this  time,  begun 

To  be  "  poking  their  fun," 
And  their  firebrands,  as  if  they  were  so  many  posies 

Of  lilies  and  roses, 

Up  to  the  noses 
Of  Lazarus  Levi,  and  Money  Ben  Moses ; 
While- similar  treatment  is  forcing  out  hollow  moans 
From  Aby  Ben  Lasco,  and  Ikey  Ben  Solomons, 
Whose  beards  —  this  a  black,  that  inclining  to  grizzle  — 
Are  smoking,  and  cm^ling,  and  all  in  a  fizzle ; 
The  King,  at  the  same  time,  his  Dons  and  his  visitors, 
Sit,  sporting  smiles,  like  the  Holy  Inquisitors, 

Enough! — no  more! — ■ 

Thank  heaven,  'tis  o'er  ! 
The  tragedy 's  done !  and  we  now  draw  a  veil 
O'er  a  scene  which  makes  outraged  humanity  quail ; 
The  last  fire  's  exhausted,  and  spent  hke  a  rocket, 
The  last  wretched  Hebrew 's  burnt  down  in  his  socket  I 
The  Barriers  are  open,  and  all,  saints  and  sinners. 
King,  Court,  Lords,  and  Commons,  gone  home  to  their  dinners, 

With  a  pleasing  emotion 

Produced  by  the  notion 
Of  having  exhibited  so  much  devotion, 
All  chuckling  to  think  how  the  Saints  are  delighted 
At  having  seen  so  many  ^^Smouches"  ignited: — 

All,  save  Privy-purse  Humez, 

Who  sconced  in  his  room  is, 
And,  Cocker  in  hand,  in  his  leather-back'd  chair. 
Is  puzzling  to  find  out  how  much  the  "  affair" 
(By  deep  calculations,  the  which  I  can't  follow,)  cost, — 
The  tottle,  in  short,  of  the  whole  of  the  Holocaust. 
Perhaps  you  may  think  it  a  rather  odd  thing. 
That,  while  talking  so  much  of  the  Court  and  the  King, 


THE    AUTO-DA-f£.     •  31 

In  dcscinbing  the  scene 

Through  which  we  'vc  just  been, 
I  've  not  said  one  syllable  as  to  the  Queen  ; 
Especially,  too,  as  her  Majesty's  "Whereabouts," 
All  things  considered,  might  well  be  thought  thereabouts ; 
The  fact  was,  however,  although  little  known, 
Sa  3Iagestad  had  hit  on  a  plan  of  her  own. 
And  suspecting,  perhaps,  that  an  Auio  alone 
Might  fail  in  securing  this  **  Heir  to  the  throne," 

Had  made  up  her  mind, 

Although  well  incUned 
Towards  galas  and  shows  of  no  matter  what  kind, 

For  once  to  retire 

And  bribe  the  Saints  higher 
Than  merely  by  sitting  and  seeing  a  fire, — 
A  sight,  after  all,  she  did  not  much  admire  ; 

So  she  locked  herself  up. 

Without  platter  or  cup. 
In  her  Oriel,  resolved  not  to  take  bite  or  sup. 
Not  so  much  as  her  matin-draught  (our  "  early  pari"), 
Nor  put  on  her  jewels,  nor  e'en  let  the  girl. 
Who  help'd  her  to  dress,  take  her  hair  out  of  curl. 
But  to  pass  the  whole  morning  in  telling  her  beads. 
And  in  reading  the  lives  of  the  Saints,  and  their  deeds. 
And  in  vowii^g  to  visit,  without  shoes  or  sandals, 
Their  shrines,  with  unlimited  orders  for  candles. 
Holy  water,  and  Masses  of  Mozart's,  and  Handel's.* 

And  many  a  Pater,  and  Ave,  and  Credo 

Did  She,  and  her  Father  Confessor,  Quevedo, 

(The  clever  Archbishop,  you  know,  of  Toledo,) 

*  "That  is,  She  would  have  order'd  them  —  hut  none  are  known,  I  fear, 
as  his, 
■por  Handel  never  wrote  a  Mass  —  and  so  She  'd  David  Perez's  — 
Bow  I  wow !  wow ! 
Fol,  lol,  Ac,  Ac." 

{Posthumous  .Note  ly  the  Ghost  of  James  Smith,  Esq.) 


82  A    LEGEND   OF    SPAIN. 

Who  came,  as  before,  at  a  very  short  warning, 

Get  through,  without  doubt,  in  the  course  of  that  morning ; 

Shut  up,   as  tliey  were, 

With  nobody  there 
To  at  all  interfere  with  so  pious  a  pair ; 
And  the  Saints  must  have  been  stony-hearted  indeed. 
If  they  had  not  allow'd  all  these  pains  to  succeed. 
Nay,  it 's  not  clear  to  me  but  their  very  ability 

Might,  Spain  throughout, 

Have  been  brought  into  doubt. 
Had  the  Royal  bed  still  remain'd  cursed  with  sterility; 
St.  Jago,  however,  who  always  is  jealous 
In  Spanish  affairs,  as  their  best  authors  tell  us, 

And  who,  if  he  saw 

Anything  like  a  flaw 
In   Spain's   welfare,  would   soon   sing    "Old   Rose,   burn   the 

bellows!" 
Set  matters  to  rights  like  a  King  of  good  fellows ; 

By  his  interference, 

Three-fourths  of  a  year  hence. 
There  was  nothing  but  capering,  dancing,  and  singing, 
Cachucas,  Boleros,  and  bells  set  a  ringing, 

In  both  the  Castiles, 

Triple-bob-major  peals. 
Rope-dancing,  and  tunrbling,  and  somerset-flinging, 

Seguidillas,  Fandangos, 

While  ev'ry  gun  bang  goes ; 
And  all  the  way  through,  from  Gibraltar  to  Biscay, 
Figueras  and  Sherry  make  all  the  Dons  frisky, 
(Save    Moore's    "Blakes   and   O'Donnells,"  who    stick    to    the 

All  the  day  long  [whiskt^y;") 

The  dance  and  the  song 
Continue  the  general  joy  to  prolong; 
And  even  long  after  the  close  of  the  day 
You  can  hear  little  else  but  "  Hip !  hip !  hip !  hun-ay !" 
The  Escuvial,  however,  is  not  quite  so  gay, 


THE    AUTO-DA-ri.  83 

For,  whether  the  Saint  liad  not  perfectly  heard 

The  petition  the  Queen  and  Archbishop  preferr'd, — - 

Or  whether  his  head,  from  his, not  being  used 

To  an  Auto-da-fe,  was  a  Uttle  confused, — 

Or  whether  the  King,  in  the  smoke  and  the  smother, 

Got  bother'd,  and  so  made  some  blunder  or  other, 

I  am  sure  I  can't  say; 

All  I  know  is,  that  day 
There  must  have  been  some  mistake !  —  that,  I  'm  afraid,  Is 

Only  too  clear, 

Inasmuch  as  the  dear 
Royal  Twins, — though  fine  babies, — ^proved  both  little  Ladies  !  I 

Moral. 

Reader?  —  Not  knowing  what  your  "persuasion"  may  be, 

Mahometan,  Jewish,  or  even  Parsee, 

Take  a  little  advice  which  may  serve  for  all  three ! 

First — "When  you're  at  Rome,  do  as  Rome  does!"  and  note 

all  her 
Ways  —  drink  what  She  drinks!  and  don't  turn  Tea-totalerl 

In  Spain,  raison  de  plus, 

You  must  do  as  they  do. 
Inasmuch  as  they  're  all  there  "  at  sixes  and  sevens," 

Just,  as  you  know, 

They  were,  some  years  ago, 
In  the  days  of  Don  Carlos  and  Brigadier  Evans; 
Don't  be  nice  then — but  take  what  they've  got  in  their  shops. 
Whether  griskins,  or  sausages,  ham,  or  pork-chops ! 

Next  —  Avoid  Fancy-trousers!  —  their  colours  and  shapes 
Sometimes,  as  you  see,  may  lead  folks  into  scrapes ! 

For  myself,  I  confess 

I've  but  small  taste  in  dress, 
My  opinion  is,  therefore,  worth  nothing — or  less — 


A    LEGEND    OF    PALESTINE. 


But  some  friends  I  've  consulted, — much  given  to  watch  one's 

Apparel  —  do  say 

It 's  by  far  the  best  way, 
And  the  safest,  to  do  as  Lord  Brougham  does — buy  Scotch  ones  1 

I  might  now  volunteer  some  advice  to  a  King, — 

Let  Whigs  say  what  they  will,  I  shall  do  no  such  thing, 

But  copy  my  betters,  and  never  begin 

Until,  like  Sir  Robert,  "I'm  duly  called  inI" 


In  the  windows  of  the  great  Hall,  as  well  as  in  those 
of  the  long  Gallery,  and  the  Library  at  Tappington,  are, 
and  have  been  many  of  them  from  a  very  early  period, 
various  '' storied  panes"  of  stained  glass,  which,  as  Blue 
Dick's*  exploits  did  not  extend  beyond  the  neighbour- 
ing city,  have  remained  unfractured  down  to  the 
present  time.  Among  the  numerous  escutcheons  there 
displayed,  charged  with  armorial  bearings  of  the  family 
and  its  connexions,  is  one  in  which  a  chevron  between 
three  eagles^  cuisscs,  sahle,  is  blazoned  quarterly  with  the 
rMQrailed  salt  ire  of  the  Ingoldsbys.  Mr.  Simpkinson 
from   l>ath, —  whose  merits  as  an  antiquary  are  so  well 

*  Ivioliard  Cnlmcr,  parson  of  Chartham,  commonly  so  called,  distinguished 
himself,  while  Laud  was  in  the  Tower,  by  breaking  the  beautiful  windows  in 
CanterbDry  Cathedral,  "  standing  on  the  top  of  the  city  ladder,  near  sixty 
steps  high,  with  a  whole  pike  in  his  hand,  when  others  would  not  venture 
60  high."  This  feat  of  Vandalism  the  caeruleau  worthy  called  "rattling 
down  proud  liecket's  glassie  bones," 


THE    INGOLDSBY    PENANCE- 


85 


known  and  appreciated  as  to  make  eulogy  superfluous, 
not  to  say  impertinent, — has  been  for  some  time  bring- 
ing his  heraldic  lore  to  bear  on  these  monumenfa  vctusta. 
lie  pronounces  the  coat  in  question  to  be  that  of  a  cer- 
tain Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray  who  flourished  temp.  Ric.  1 
and  founded  the  Abbey  of  Ingoldsby,  in  the  county  of 
Kent  and  diocese  of  Rochester,  early  in  the  reign  of 
that  monarch's  successor.  The  history  of  the  origin  of 
that  pious  establishment  has  been  rescued  from  the  dirt 
and  mildew  in  which  its  chartularies  have  been  slum 
bering  for  centuries,  and  is  here  given.  The  link  of 
connexion  between  the  two  families  is  shown  by  the 
accompanying  extract  from  our  genealogical  tree. 

Peter  de  Ingoldsby,  Lord  of  Tappingrton 
temp  :  Stephen,  killed  at  the  battle  of  Lin- 
coln ex  parte  regis 


Vitalis  de  =  Alice  de          Geoffrey  ~  Joan               Richard  Ingoldsby,  of  Tap- 
En  gaine.       Lizures,          de  Brai.       only  pington  aforesaid.     A  quo 
I  2d  wije^ I  dan. Hodiernus  Ingolmby. 

i  I  I         ' 

Alicia  =  Ingoldsby  de  Bray,  Chiv'ler,  Reginald  de  Bray,  2d  son, 

dau  &      afterwards  assumed  his  mo-  heir  lO  his  brother,  from  whom 

heir,        ther's  name,  founder  of  In-  descended  Edmund  Lord  Bray, 

sus  t         goldsby   Abbey,   A.   D.   1202,  summoned   to  parliament  21 

per            ob.  s,  p.  circiter  1214.  to  28  lien.  8. 

coll :  A 

In  this  document  it  will  be  perceived  that  the  death 
of  Lady  Alice  Ingoldsby  is  attributed  to  strangulation 
superinduced  by  suspension,  whereas  in  the  veritable 
legjend  annexed  no  allusion  is  made  to  the  intervention. 


86  A   LEGEND   OF    PALESTINE. 

of  a  halter.  Unluckily  Sir  Ingoldsby  left  no  issue,  or  we 
might  now  be  ^'calling  Cousins"  with  (ci  devant)  Mrs. 
Otway  Cave,  in  whose  favour  the  abeyance  of  the  old 
Barony  of  Bray  has  recently  been  determined  by  the 
Crown.  To  this  same  Barony  we  ourselves  were  not 
without  our  pretensions,  and,  teste  Simpkinson,  had  "  as 
good  a  right  to  it  as  any  body  else."  The  "  Collective 
wisdom  of  the  country''  has,  however,  decided  the  point, 
and  placed  us  among  that  very  numerous  class  of  claim- 
ants who  are  ''  wrongfully  kept  out  of  their  property  and 
dignities  —  by  the  right  owners.'' 

I  seize  with  pleasure  this  opportunity  of  contradicting 
a  malicious  report  that  Mr.  Simpkinson  has,  in  a  late 
publica^on,  confounded  King  Henry  the  Fifth  with  the 
Buke  of  Monmouth,  and  positively  deny  that  he  has  ever 
represented  Walter  Lord  Clifford,  (father  to  Fair  Rosa- 
mond,) as  the  leader  of  the  0.  P.  ro-.7. 


THE   INGOLDSBY   PENANCE! 

A   LEGEND   OP   PALESTINE   AND — WEST   KENT. 

I  '11  devise  thee  brave  punishments  for  him  I  —  Shakspeabe. 

Out  and  spake  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray, 
A  stalwart  knight,  I  ween,  was  he, 

"  Come  east,  come  west. 

Come  lance  in  rest, 
Come  falchion  in  hand,  I  '11  tickle  the  best 
Of  all  the  Soldan's  Chivah-ie !" 

Oh  !  they  came  west,  and  they  came  east. 
Twenty-four  Emirs  and  Sheiks  at  the  least, 

And  they  hammer'd  away 

At  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray, 
Fail  back,  fall  edge,  cut,  thrust,  and  point, — 
Bat  he  topp'd  oflf  head,  and  he  lopp'd  off  joint ; 

Twenty  and  three, 

Of  high  degree. 
Lay  s^ark  and  stiff  on  the  crimson'd  lea, 
All  —  all  save  one  —  and  he  ran  up  a  tree  ! 
"  Now  count  them,  my  Squire,  now  count  them  and  see  !*' 

"Twenty  and  three! 

Twenty  and  three ! — 
All  o{  them  Nobles  of  high  degree : 
Thei  e  they  be  lying  on  Ascalon  lea !" 

Ouf  i,nd  spake  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray, 

*    A'hat  news  ?  what  news  ?  come,  tell  to  me ! 

(87) 


88  A    LEGEND    Oi'    PALESTINE. 

What  news  ?  what  news,  thou  httle  Foot-page  ? — 
I  've  been  whacking  the  foe,  till  it  seems  an  age 

Since  I  was  in  Ingoldsby  Hall  so  free ! 
What  news  ?   what  news  from  Ingoldsby  Hall  ? 
Come  tell  me  now,  thou  Page  so  smalll" 

"  Oh,  Hawk  and  Hound 
Are  safe  and  sound, 
Beast  in  byre  and  Steed  in  stall ; 
And  the  Watch-dog's  bark, 
As  soon  as  it 's  dark. 
Bays  wakeful  guard  around  Ingoldsby  Hall  I 

—  "I  care  not  a  pound 

For  Hawk  or  for  Hound, 
For  Steed  in  stall,  or  for  Watch-dog's  bay  : 

Fain  would  I  hear 

Of  my  dainty  dear  ; 
How  fares  Dame  Alice,  my  Lady  gay  ?" — 
Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray,  he  said  in  his  rage, 
"  AVhat  news  ?  what  news  ?  thou  naughty  Foot-page  1' 

That  little  Foot-page  full  low  crouch'd  he. 
And  he  doflf'd  his  cap,  and  he  bended  his  knee, 
"  Now  lithe  and  listen,  Sir  Bray,  to  me  : 
Lady  Alice  sits  lonely  in  bower  and  hall, 
Her  sighs  they  rise,  and  her  tears  they  fall : 

She  sits  alone. 

And  she  makes  her  moan ; 

Dance  and  song 

She  considers  quite  wi'ong ; 

Feast  and  revel 

Mere  snares  of  the  devil ; 
She  mendeth  her  hose,  and  she  crieth  'Alack! 
When  will  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray  come  back!'  " 

*<  Thou  licst !  thou  liest,  thou  naughty  Foot-page, 


THE    INGOLDSBT   PENANCE.  80 

Full  loud  dost  thou  lie,  false  Page,  to  me  ! 

There,  in  thy  breast, 

'Neath  thy  silken  vest, 
What  scroll  is  that,  false  Page,  I  see  ?" 

Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray  in  his  rage  drew  near, 
That  Httle  Foot-page  he  blench'd  with  fear ; 

"  Now  where  may  the  Prior  of  Abingdon  lie  ? 
King  Richard's  Confessor,  I  ween,  is  he, 

And  tidings  rare 

To  him  do  I  bear, 
And  news  of  price  from  his  rich  Ab-bee !" 

' '  Now  nay,  now  nay,  thou  naughty  Page  ! 
No  learned  clerk,  I  trow,  am  I, 

But  well,  I  ween, 

May  there  be  seen 
Dame  Alice's  hand  with  half  an  eye  ; 
Now  nay,  now  nay,  thou  naughty  Page, 
From  Abingdon  Abbey  comes  not  thy  news  ; 

Although  no  clerk. 

Well  may  I  mark 
The  particular  turn  of  her  P's  and  her  Q's !" 

Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray,  in  his  fury  and  rage. 

By  the  back  of  the  neck  takes  that  little  Foot-page ; 

The  scroll  he  seizes. 

The  Page  he  squeezes. 
And  buffets, — and  pinches  his  nose  till  he  sneezes ; — 
Then  he  cuts  with  his  dagger  the  silken  threads 
Which  they  used  in  those  days  'stead  of  little  Queen's-heads 

When  the  contents  of  the  scroll  met  his  view. 
Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray  in  a  passion  grew. 

Backward  he  drew 

His  mailed  shoe, 
8* 


^0  A    LEGEND    OF    PALESTINE. 

And  he  kicked  ihat  naughty  Foot-page,  that  he  flew 
Like  a  cloth-yard  shaft  from  a  bended  yew, 
I  may  not  say  whither  —  I  never  knew 

*'  Now  count  the  slain 
Upon  Ascalon  plain, — 
Go  count  them,  my  Squire,  go  count  them  again  !" 

**  Twenty  and  three! 

There  they  be, 
Stiff  and  stark  on  that  crimson'd  lea ! — 

Twenty  and  three  ? — 

— Stay  —  let  me  see  ! 

Stretched  in  his  gore 

There  lieth  one  more ! 
By  the  Pope's  triple  crown  there  are  twenty  and /owr/ 
Twenty-four  trunks,  I  ween,  are  there, 
But  their  heads  and  their  limbs  are  no-body  knows  where ! 
Ay,  twenty-four  corses,  I  rede,  there  be, 
Though  one  got  away,  and  ran  up  a  tree  ! 

"  Look  nigher,  look  nigher. 

My  trusty  Squire  !" — 
*'  One  is  the  corse  of  a  bare-footed  Friar !  !  " 
Out  and  spake  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray, 
*' A  boon,  a  boon.  King  Richard,"  quotli  he, 

Now  Heav'n  thee  save, 

A  boon  I  crave, 
A  boon.  Sir  King,  on  my  bended  knee ; 

A  year  and  a  day 

Have  I  been  away, 
King  Richard,  from  Ingoldsby  Hall  so  free : 
Dame  Alice,  she  sits  there  in  lonely  guise, 
And  she  makes  her  moan,  and  she  sobs  and  she  sighs, 
And  tears  like  rain-drops  fall  from  her  eyes. 
And  she  darneth  her  hose,  and  she  crieth  '  Alack ! 


THE    INGOLDSBY   PENANCE.  91 

Dh !  when  will  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray  come  back  V 
A.  boon,  a  boon,  my  Liege,"  quoth  he, 
"  Fair  Ingoldsby  Hall  1  fain  would  see !" 

"Rise  up,  rise  up.  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray," 
King  Richard  said  right  graciously, 

"Of  all  in  my  host 

That  I  love  the  most, 
I  love  none  better,  Sir  Bray,  than  thee! 
Rise  up,  rise  up,  thou  hast  thy  boon ; 
But — mind  you  make  haste,  and  come  back  again  soon!'* 


Pope  Gregory  sits  in  St.  Peter's  chair, 
Pontiff  proud,  I  ween,  is  he, 
And  a  belted  Knight, 
In  annour  dight. 
Is  begging  a  boon  on  his  bended  knee. 
With  signs  of  grief  and  sounds  of  woe, 
Featly  he  kisseth  his  Holiness'  toe. 

<*  Now  pardon,  Holy  Father,  I  crave, 

0  Holy  Father,  pardon  and  grace! 
In  my  fury  and  rage 

A  little  Foot-page 
I  have  left,  I  fear  me,  in  evil  case* 
A  scroll  of  shame 
From  a  faithless  dame 
Did  that  naughty  Foot-page  to  a  paramour  bear ; 

1  gave  him  a  '  lick' 
With  a  stick. 

And  a  kick. 
That  sent  him — I  can't  tell  your  Holiness  where! 
Had  he  as  many  necks  as  hairs, 
Ho  had  broken  them  all  down  those  perilous  stairp  P' 


92  A    LEGEND    OF    PALESTINE. 

"Rise  up,  rise  up,  Sir  Ingoldsbj  Bray, 
jRise  up,  rise  up,  I  say  to  tliee ; 

A  soldier,  I  trow, 

Of  the  Cross  art  thou; 
Rise  up,  rise  up  from  thy  bended  knee  I 
111  it  beseems  that  a  soldier  true 
Of  holy  Church  should  vainly  sue :  — 
—  Foot-pages,  they  are  by  no  means  rarO; 
A  thriftless  crew,  I  ween,  be  they, 

Well  mote  we  spare 

A  Page  —  or  a  pair. 
For  the  matter  of  that  —  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray, 

But  stout  and  true 

Soldiers,  like  you. 
Grow  scarcer  and  scarcer  ev.ry  day ! 

Be  prayers  for  the  dead 

Duly  read. 
Let  a  mass  be  sung,  and  a  pater  be  said ; 
So  may  your  qualms  of  conscience  cease. 
And  the  little  Foot-page  shall  rest  in  peace  I" 

Now  pardon,  Holy  Father,  I  crave. 

0  Holy  Father,  pardon  and  grace ! 

Dame  Alice,  my  wife, 
The  bane  of  my  life, 

1  have  left,  I  fear  me,  in  eVil  case ! 
A  scroll  of  shame  in  my  rage  I  tore, 
Which  that  caitiff  Page  to  a  paramour  bore ; 
'Twere  bootless  to  tell  how  I  storm'd  ai.i  swore? 
Alack!  alack!  too  surely  I  knew 

The  turn  of  each  P,  and  the  tail  of  each  Q, 
And  away  to  Ingoldsby  Hall  I  flew ! 

Dame  Alice  I  found, — 

She  sank  on  the  ground, — 
I  twisted  her  neck  till  I  twisted  it  round ! 
With  jibe  and  jeer,  and  mock,,  and  scoff, 
I  twisted  it  on —  till  I  twisted  it  off! — 


THE    INGOLDSBY   PENANCE.  93 

All  the  King's  Doctors  and  all  the  King's  Men 
Can't  put  fair  Alice's  head  on  agen  !" 

<'Well-a-day!  well-a-day! 

Sir  ingoldsby  Bray, 
Why  really  —  I  hardly  know  what  to  say; — 
Foul  sin,  I  trow,  a  fair  Ladye  to  slay. 
Because  she 's  perhaps  been  a  little  too  gay. — 
— Monk  must  chaunt  and  Nun  must  pray ; 
For  each  mass  they  sing,  and  each  pray'r  they  say 

For  a  year,  and  a  day, 

Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray 
A  fair  rose-noble  must  duly  pay ! 
So  may  his  qualms  of  conscience  cease, 
And  the  soul  of  Dame  Alice  may  rest  in  peace !" 

"  Now  pardon,  Holy  Fjfther,  I  crave, 

0  Holy  Father,  pardon  and  grace ! 

No  power  could  save 
That  paramour  knave; 

1  left  him,  I  wot,  in  evil  case ! 

There,  'midst  the  slain 

Upon  Ascalon  plain, 
TJnburied,  I  trow,  doth  his  body  remain, 
His  legs  lie  here,  and  his  arms  lie  there, 
And  his  head  lies  —  I  can't  tell  your  Holiness  where." 

*  Now  out  and  alas !  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray, 
7oul  sin  it  were,  thou  doughty  Knight, 
To  hack  and  to  hew 
A  champion  true 
Of  holy  Chui'ch  in  such  pitiful  pHght ! 
Foul  sin  her  warriors  so  to  slay. 
When  they're  scarcer  and  scarcer  every  iay! — 
— A  chauntry  fair. 
And  of  monks  a  pair, 


94  A    LEGEND    OF    PALESTINE. 

To  pray  for  his  soul  for  ever  and  aye, 
Thou  must  duly  endow,  Sir  Ingoldgby  Bray, 
And  fourteen  marks  by  the  year  must  thou  pay 

For  plenty  of  lights 

To  burn  there  o' nights — • 
None  of  your  rascally  '  dips ' —  but  sound. 
Round,  ten-penny  moulds  of  four  to  the  pound ; — 
Arid  a  shirt  of  the  roughest  and  coarsest  hair 
For  a  year  and  a  day.  Sir  Ingoldsby,  wear ! — 
So  may  your  qualms  of  conscience  cease. 
And  the  soul  of  the  Soldier  shall  rest  in  peace !" 

*<Now  nay,  Hojy  Father,  now  nay,  now  nay! 
Less  penance  may  serve !"  quoth  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray. 
**No  champion  free  of  the  Cross  was  he; 
No  belted  Baron  of  high  degree ; 

No  Knight  nor  Sqviire        • 

Did  there  expire ; 
He  was,  I  trow,  but  a  bare-footed  Friar ! 
And  the  Abbot  of  Abingdon  long  may  wait 
With  his  monks  around  him,  and  early  and  late 
May  look  from  loop-hole,  and  turret,  and  gate, 
—  He  hath  lost  his  Prior — his  Prior  his  pate !" 

"Now  Thunder  and  turf!"  Pope  Gregory  said. 

And  his  hair  raised  his  triple  crown  right  oflf  his  head' 

"Now  Thunder  and  Turf!  and  out  and  alas! 

A  horrible  thing  has  come  to  pass ! 

What !  —  cut  oflf  the  head  of  a  reverend  Prior, 

And  say  he  was  '  ojihj  (!!!)  a  bare-footed  I'riar !' — 

*What  Baron  or  Squire, 

Or  Knight  of  the  shire 
Is  half  so  good  as  a  holy  Friar  ?' 

0,  turpissime! 

Vir  nequissime  ! 
SeeUratissimt. !  —  quissime  !  —  issime  t 


THE    INGOLDSBY    PENANCE.  96 

Never,  I  trow,  have  the  Servi  servorum 
Had  before  'em 

Such  a  breach  of  decorum,  -^ 

Such  a  gi'oss  violation  of  morum  bonorum. 
And  won't  have  again  scecula  sceculorum!  — 
Come  hither  to  me, 
My  Cardinals  three, 
My  Bishops  in  partibm, 
Masters  in  Artibus, 
Hither  to  me,  A.  B.  and  D.  D. 
Doctors  and  Proctors  of  every  degree ! 
Go  fetch  me  a  book  !  —  go  fetch  me  a  bell 
As  big  as  a  dustman's!  —  and  a  candle  as  well — 
I'll  send  him  —  where  good  manners  won't  let  me  tell!" 

^_.<' Pardon  and  grace! — now  pardon  and  grace!" 
—  Sir  fngoldsby  Bray  fell  flat  on  his  face  — 
^^ Med  culpa!  —  in  sooth  I'm  in  pitiful  case  — 
Peccavi!  peccavi!  —  I've  done  very  wrong! 
But  my  heart  it  is  stout,  and  my  arm  it  is  strong, 
And  I  '11  fight  for  holy  Church  all  the  day  long , 
And  the  Ingoldsby  lands  are  broad  and  fair. 
And  they  're  here,  and  they  're  there,  and  I  can't  tell  you  where, 
And  Holy  Church  shall  come  in  for  her  share !" 

Pope  Gregory  paused,  and  he  sat  himself  down, 
And  he  somewhat  relax'd  his  terrible  frown, 
And  his  Cardinals  three  they  pick'd  up  his  crown, 

*'  Now,  if  it  be  so  that  you  own  you've  been  wrong, 
And  your  heart  is  so  stout,  and  your  arm  is  so  strong. 
And  you  really  will  fight  like  a  trump  all  day  long ; — 
If  the  [ugoldsby  lands  do  lie  here  and  there. 
And  Holy  Church  shall  come  in  for  her  share, — 

Why,  my  Cardinals  three. 

You'll  agree 

With  me. 


90  A    LEGEND    OF    PALESTINE. 

That  it  gives  a  new  turn  to  the  whole  afiFair, 
And  I  think  ihat  the  Penitent  need  not  despair  I 
—  If  it  be  so,  as  you  seem  to  say. 
Rise  up,  rise  up,  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray ! 
An  Abbey  so  fair  Sir  Bray  shall  found, 
Whose  innermost  wall's  encircling  bound 
Shall  take  in  a  couple  of  acres  of  ground ; 
And  there  in  that  Abbey  all  the  year  round, 
A  full  choir  of  monks,  and  a  full  choir  of  nuns, 
Shall  live  upon  cabbage  and  hot-cross-buns ; 

And  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray, 

Without  dela}', 

Shall  hie  him  again 

To  Ascalon  plain. 
And  gather  the  bones  of  the  foully  slain : 
And  shall  place  said  bones,  with  all  possible  cwa. 
In  an  elegant  shrine  in  his  abbey  so  fair ; 

And  plenty  of  lights 

Shall  be  there  o'  nights ; 
None  of  your  rascally  'dips,^  but  sound, 
Best  superfine  wax-wicks,  four  to  the  pound ; 

And  Monk  and  Nun 

Shall  pray,  each  one, 
For  the  Soul  of  the  Prior  of  Abingdon ! 
And  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray,  so  bold  and  so  brave, 
Never  shall  wash  himself,  comb,  or  shava. 

Nor  adoi-n  his  body. 

Nor  drink  gin-toddy, 

Nor  indulge  in  a  pipe, — 

But  shall  dine  upon  tripe, 
And  blackberries  gather'd  before  they  are  ripe, 
And  for  ever  abhor,  renounce,  and  abjure 
Rum,  hollands,  and  brandy,  wine,  punch,  and  liqucurV 

(Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray 

Here  gave  way 


THE   INGOLDSBY   PENANCE.  97 

To  a  feeling  which  prompted  a  word  profane, 
But  he  swallowed  it  down,  by  an  effort,  again, 
And  his  Holiness  luckily  fancied  his  gulp  a 
Mere  repetition  of  0,  Med  culpci !) 

"  Thrice  three  times  upon  Candlemas-day, 
Between  Vespers  and  Compline,  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray 
Shall  run  round  the  Abbey,  as  best  he  may, 

Subjecting  his  back 

To  thump  and  to  thwack. 
Well  and  truly  laid  on  by  a  bare-footed  Friar, 
With  a  stout  cat  o'  ninetails  of  whip-cord  and  wire; 

And  nor  he,  nor  his  heir* 

Shall  take,  use,   or  bear 

Any  more,  from  this  day. 

The  surname  of  Bray, 
As  being  dishonour'd,  but  all  issue  male  he  has 
Shall,  with  himself,  go  henceforth  by  an  alias! 
So  his  qualms  of  conscience  at  length  may  cease, 
And  Page,  Dame,  and  Prior  shall  rest  in  peace!" 

Sir  Ingoldsby  (now  no  longer  Bray) 
Is  off  like  a  shot  away  and  away, 

Over  the  brine 

To  far  Palestine, 
To  rummage  and  hunt  over  Ascalon  plain 
B'or  the  unburied  bones  of  his  victim  slain. 

"  Look  out,  my  Squire, 

Look  higher  and  nigher, 
Look  out  for  the  corpse  of  a  bare-footed  Friar! 
And  pick  up  the  arms,  and  the  legs,  of  the  dead, 
And  pick  up  his  body,  and  pick  up  his  head !" 

•  llis  brother,  Reginald,  it  would  seem  by  the  pedigree,  disregarded  Ihla 
prohibition. 


A   LEGEND   OF   PALESTINE. 


Engoldsby  Abbey  is  fair  to  see, 

It  hath  manors  a  dozen,  and  royalties  three, 

With  right  of  free  warren  (whatever  that  be)  ; 

Rich  pastures  in  front,  and  green  woods  in  the  rear, 

All  in  full  leaf  at  the  right  time  of  year ; 

About  Christmas,  or  so  they  fall  into  the  sear, 

And  the  prospect,  of  course,  becomes  rather  more  drear; 

But  it 's  really  delightful  in  spring-time,  —  and  near 

The  great  gate  Father  Thames  rolls  sun-bright  and  clear, 

Cobham  woods  to  the  right,  —  on  the  opposite  shore 

Laindon  hills  in  the  distance,  ten  miles  off  or  more ; 

Then  you  've  Milton  and  Gravesend  behind,  —  and  before 

You  can  see  almost  all  the  way  down  to  the  Nore.* 

So  charming  a  spot, 

It's  rarely  one's  lot 
To  see,  and  when  seen  it 's  as  rarely  forgot. 

Yes,  Ingoldsby  Abbey  is  fair  to  see, 

And  its  Monks  and  its  Nuns  are  fifty  and  three. 

And  there  they  all  stand  each  in  their  degree, 

Drawn  up  in  the  front  of  their  sacred  abode, 

Two  by  two,  in  their  regular  mode. 

While  a  funeral  comes  down  the  Rochester  road. 

Palmers  twelve,  from  a  foreign  strand. 
Cockle  in  hat,  and  staff  in  hand. 
Come  marching  in  pairs,  a  holy  band! 

*  Alas !  one  might  almost  say  that  of  this  sacred,  and  once  splendid,  edifice, 
peritrunt  tetiam  ruince.  An  elderly  gentleman,  however,  of  ecclesiastical 
cut,  who  oscillates  between  the  Garrick  Club  and  the  Falcon  in  Gravesend, 
and  is  said  by  the  host  to  be  a  "  foreigneering  Bishop,"  does  not  scruple  to 
identify  the  ruins  still  to  be  seen  by  the  side  of  the  high  Dover  road,  about 
a  mile  and  a  half  below  the  town,  with  those  of  the  haunted  Sacdlunu 
The  general  features  of  the  landscape  oertainly  correspond,  and  tradition, 
as  certainly,  countenances  his  conjecture. 


THE    INGOLDSBY   PENANCE.  99 

Little  boys  twelve,  dressed  all  in  white. 
Each  with  his  brazen  censer  bright, 
And  singing  away  with  all  their  might, 
Follow  the  Palmers  —  a  goodly  sight; 

Next  high  in  air 

Twelve  Yeomen  bear 
On  their  sturdy  necks,  with  a  good  deal  of  care, 
A  patent  sarcophagus  firmly  rear'd, 
Of  Spanish  mahogany  (not  veneer'd), 
And  behind  walks  a  Knight  with  a  very  long  beard. 

Close  by  his  side 

Is  a  Friar,  supplied 
With  a  stout  cat  o'  ninetails  of  tough  cow-hide. 

While  all  sorts  of  queer  men 

Bi'ing  up  the  rear — Men- 
at  arms.  Nigger  captives,  and  Bow-men,  and  Spear-men 

It  boots  not  to  tell 

What  you'll  guess  very  well. 
How  some  sang  the  requiem,  some  toU'd  the  bell ; 

Suffice  it  to  say, 

'Twas  on  Candlemas-day 
The  procession  I  speak  about  reach'd  the  Sacellum , 

And  in  lieu  of  a  Supper 

The  Knight  on  his  crupper 
Received  the  first  taste  of  the  Father's  fiagellum  ; 

That,  as  chronicles  tell, 

He  continued  to  dwell 
All  the  rest  of  his  days  in  the  Abbey  he  'd  founded, 
By  the  pious  of  both  sexes  ever  surrounded, 
And,  partaking  the  fare  of  the  Monks  and  the  Nuns, 
Ate  the  cabbage  alone,  without  touching  the  buns ; 
—  That  year  after  year,  having  run  round  the  Quad 
With  his  back,  as  enjoin'd  him,  exposed  to  the  rod, 
Having  not  only  kiss'd  it,  but  bless'd  it,  and  thank'd  it,  he 
Died,  as  all  thought,  in  the  odour  of  sanctity, 


100  A  LEGEND   OF   PALESTINE. 

When, — strange  to  relate!  and  you'll  hardly  bolioTe 
Wliat  I  'm  going  to  tell  you, —  next  Candlemas  Eve 
The  Monks  and  the  Nuns  in  the  dead  of  the  night 
Tumble,  all  of  them,  out  of  their  beds  in  affright, 

Alarm'd  by  the  bawls, 

And  the  calls,  and  the  squalls 
Of  some  one  who  seem'd  running  all  round  the  walls ! 

Looking  out,  soon 

By  the  light  of  the  moon 
There  appears  most  distinctly  to  ev'ry  one's  view, 
And  making,  as  seems  to  them,  all  this  ado. 
The  form  of  a  Knight  with  a  beard  like  a  Jew, 
As  black  as  if  stecp'd  in  that  "  Matchless  !"  of  Hunt' 3, 
And  so  bushy,  it  would  not  disgrace  INIr.  Muntz : 
A  bare-footed  Friar  stands  behind  him,  and  shakes 
A  flagellum,  whose  lashes  appear  to  be  snakes ; 
While  more  terrible  still,  the  astounded  beholders 
Perceive  the  said  Friar  has  no  head  on  his  siioulukrs. 

But  is  holding  his  pate 

In  his  left  hand,  out  straight, 
As  if  by  a  closer  inspection  to  find 
Where  to  get  the  best  cut  at  his  victim  behind. 
With  the  aid  of  a  small  "bull's-eye  lantern," — as  placed 
By  our  own  New  Police,  —  in  a  belt  round  his  waist. 

All  gaze  with  surprise, 

Scarce  believing  their  eyes. 
When  the  Knight  makes  a  start  like  a  race-horse,  and  flies 
From  his  headless  tormentor,  repeating  his  cries, — 
In  vain, —  for  the  Friar  to  his  skirts  closely  sticks, 
"Running  after  him," — so  said  the  Abbot, — "like  Bricks!" 
Thrice  three  times  did  the  Phantom  Knight 
Course  round  the  Abbey  as  best  he  might, 
Be-thwack'd  and  be-smacked  by  the  headless  Sprite, 
While  his  shrieks  so  piercing  made  all  hearts  thrill, — 
Then  a  whoop  and  a  halloo, —  and  all  was  still! 


THE    INGOLDSBY   PENANCB.  101 

Ingoldsby  Abbey  has  passed  away, 

And  at  this  time  of  day 

One  can  hardly  survey 
.  Any  traces  or  track,  save  a  few  ruins,  gi-ey 
With  age,  and  fast  mouldering  into  decay, 
Of  the  structure  once  built  by  Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray ; 
But  still  there  are  many  folks  living  who  say 
That  on  every  Candlemas  Eve,  the  Knight, 

Accoutred  and  dight 

In  his  armour  bright, 
With  his  thick  black  beard, —  and  the  clerical  Sprite, 
With  his  head  in  his  hand,  and  his  lantern  alight, 
Run  round  the  spot  where  the  old  "Abbey  stood, 
And  are  seen  in  the  neighbouring  glebe-land  and  wood ; 
More  especially  still,  if  it 's  stormy  and  windy, 
You  may  hear  ihem  for  miles  kicking  up  their  wild  shindy; 

And  that  once  in  a  gale 

Of  wind,  sleet,  and  hail. 
They  frighten'd  the  horses,  and  upset  the  mail. 

What 't  is  breaks  the  rest 

Of  these  souls  unblest 
Would  now  be  a  thing  rather  hard  to  be  guess'd. 
Though  some  say  the  Squire,  on  his  death-bed,  confess'd 

That  on  Ascalon  plain. 

When  the  bones  of  the  slain 
Were  collected  that  day,  and  pack'd  up  in  a  chest 

Caulk'd  and  made  water-tight, 

By  command  of  the  Knight, 
Though  the  legs  and  the  arras  they'd  got  all  pretty  right, 
And  the  body  itself  in  a  decentish  plight, 
Yet  the  Friar's  Pericranium  was  nowhere  in  sight ; 
So,  to  save  themselves  trouble,  they'd  pick'd  up  instead, 
And  popp'd  on  the  shoulders,  a  Saracen's  Head ! 
Thus  the  Knight  in  the  terms  of  his  penance  had  fail'd, 
And  the  Poj  e's  absolution,  of  course,  nought  avail'd. 
9* 


iO^  A   LEGEND    OF    PALESTINE. 

Now  though  this  miglit  be, 

It  don't  seem  to  agree 
With  one  thing  whrch,  I  own,  is  a  poser  to  me, — 
I  mean,  as  the  miracles  wrought  at  the  shrine 
Containing  the  bones  brought  from  far  Palestine 
Were  so  great  and  notorious,  'tis  hard  to  combine 
This  fact  with  the  reason  these  people  assign. 
Or  suppose  that  the  head  of  the  murder'd  Divine 
Could  be  aught  but  what  Yankees  would  call  "  genu-ma." 
'Tis  a  very  nice  question — but  be 't  as  it  may, 
The  Ghost  of  Sir  Ingoldsby  {ci-devant  Bray), 
It  is  boldly  affirm'd,  by  the  folks  great  and  small 
About  Milton,  and  Chalk,  and  around  Cobham  Hall, 
Still  on  Candlemas-day  haunts  the  old  ruin'd  wall. 
And  that  many  have  seen  him,  and  more  heard  him  squall- 
So,  I  think,  when  the  facts  of  the  case  you  recall, 
My  inference,  reader,  you  '11  fairly  forestall, 

Viz. :  that,  spite  of  the  hope 

Held  out  by  the  Pope, 
Sir  Ingoldsby  Bray  was  d d  after  all ! 

Moral. 

Foot-pages,  and  Servants  of  ev'ry  degree, 

In  livery  or  out  of  it,  Hsten  to  me ! 

See  what  comes  of  lying!  —  don't  join  in  a  league 

To  humbug  your  master,  or  aid  an  intrigue ! 

Ladies ! — married  and  single,  from  this  understand 

How  foolish  it  is  to  send  letters  by  hand ! 

Don't  stand  for  the  sake  of  a  penny,  — but  when  you 

've  a  billet  to  send 

To  a  lover  or  friend. 
Put  it  into  the  post,  and  don't  cheat  the  revenue ! 
Reverend  gentlemen  !  —  you  who  are  given  to  roam, 
Don't  keep  up  a  soft  correspondence  at  home ! 


THE    INGOLDSBY    PENANCE.  103 

But  while  you're  abroad  lead  respectable  lives ; 
Love  your   neighbours,  and  welcome, — but   don't   love   their 

wives ! 
And,  as  bricklayers  cry  from  the  tiles  and  the  leads 
When  they're  shovelling  the  snow  off,  "Take  care  of  youu 
HEADS  !" 

Knights! — whose  hearts  are  so  stout,  and  whose  arms  are  so 

strong. 
Learn, — to  twist  a  wife's  neck  is  decidedly  wrong! 
If  your  servants  offend  you,  or  give  themselves  airs, 
Rebuke  them — but  mildly  —  don't  kick  them  down  stairs! 
To  "Poor  Richard's"  homely  old  proverb  attend, 
"If  you  want  matters  well  managed,  Go! — if  not,  SendP' 
A  servant's  too  often  a  negligent  elf; 
—  If  it's  business  of  consequence.  Do  it  yourself! 

The  state  of  society  seldom  requires 

People  now  to  bring  home  with  them  unburied  Friars, 

But  they  sometimes  do  bring  home  an  inmate  for  life ; 

Now  —  don't  do  that  hy  proxy !  — but  choose  your  own  wife  \ 

For  think  how  annoying  'twould  be,  when  you're  wed. 

To  find  in  your  bed. 

On  the  pillow,  instead 
Of  the  sweet  face  you  look  for — A  Saracen's  Head! 


104 


A    LEGEND    OF    HAMPSHIRE. 


Alas,  for  Ingoldsby  Abbey  !  —  Alas  that  one  shovJd 
have  to  say 

Perierunt  etiam  Ruinae ! 
Its  very  Ruins  now  are  tiny ! 

There  is  a  something  in  the  very  sight  of  an  old 
Abbey  —  family  associations  apart — -as  Ossian  says  (or 
Mac  Pherson  for  him),  '^  pleasing  yet  mournful  to  the 
soul  I"  nor  could  I  ever  yet  gaze  on  the  roofless  walls  and 
ivy-clad  towers  of  one  of  these  venerable  monuments  of 
the  piety  of  bygone  days  without  something  very  like  an 
unbidden  tear  rising  to  dim  the  prospect.  Something 
of  this,  I  think,  I  have  already  hinted  in  recording  our 
pic-nie  with  the  Seaforths  at  Bolsover.  Since  then  I 
have  paid  a  visit  to  the  beautiful  remains  of  what  once 
was  Netley,  and  never  experienced  the  sensation  to  which 
I  have  alluded  in  a  stronger  degree  —  if  its  character 
was  somewhat  changed  before  we  parted  —  it  is  nu  my 
fault.  Still,  be  the  drawbacks  what  they  may,  I  shall 
ever  mark  with  a  white  stone  the  day  on  which  I  for  the 
first  time  beheld  the  time-worn  cloisters  of 


NETLEY   ABBEY. 

A    LEGEND    OF    HAMPSHIRE- 

I  SAW  thee,  Netley,  as  the  sun 
Across  the  western  wave 

Was  sinking  slow. 

And  a  golden  glow 
To  thy  roofless  towers  he  gave ; 

And  the  ivy  sheen, 

With  its  mantle  of  green, 
That  wrapt  thy  walls  around, 

Shone  lovelily  bright 

In  that  glorious  light, 
And  I  felt  'twas  holy  ground. 

Then  1  thought  of  the  ancient  time  — 
The  days  of  thy  Monks  of  old, — 
Wlien  to  Matin,  and  Vesper,  and  Compline  chime. 
The  loud  Hosanna  roll'd, 
And,  thy  courts  and  "long-drawn  aisles"  among, 
Swell'd  the  full  tide  of  sacred  song. 

And  then  a  vision  pass'd 

Across  my  mental  eye  ;* 
And  silver  shrines,  and  shaven  crownjs, 
And  delicate  Ladies,  in  bombazeen  gowns, 

And  long  white  veils,  went  by ', 
Stiff,  and  staid,  and  solemn,  and  sad, — 
— ^But  one,  methought,  wink'd  at  the  Gardener-lad ! 

*  Tn  my  inincrs  oyo,  llor.itja  !  — ]f.\Mi.;.T. 

(105). 


106  A    LEGEND   OF    HAMPSHIRE. 

Then  came  the  Abbot,  with  mitre  and  ring, 
And  pastoral  staff,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing, 
And  a  Monk  with  a  book,  and  a  Monk  with  a  bell, 

And  "  dear  little  souls," 

In  clean  linen  stoles, 
Swinging  their  censers,  and  making  a  smell. — 
And  see  where  the  Choir-master  walks  in  the  rear. 

With  front  severe, 

And  brow  austere. 
Now  and  then  pinching  a  little  boy's  ear 
When  he  chaunts  the  responc^es  too  late,  or  too  soon. 
Or  his  Do,  R  e.  Mi,  Fa,  Sol,  La 's  not  quite  in  tune. 

(Then  you  know, 

They'd  a  "  moveable  Do," 
Not  a  fix'd  one  as  now  —  and  of  course  never  knew 
How  to  set  up  a  musical  Hullah-baloo,) 
It  was,  in  sooth,  a  comely  sight. 
And  I  welcom'd  the  vision  with  pure  delight. 

But  then  <'a  change  came  o'er" 

My  spirit  —  a  change  of  fear  — 
That  gorgeous  scene  I  beheld  no  more, 
But  deep  beneath  the  basement  floor 

A  dungeon  dark  and  drear! 
And  there  was  an  ugly  hole  in  the  wall — 
For  an  oven  too  big, —  for  a  cellar  too  small ! 

And  mortar  and  bricks 

All  ready  to  fix. 
And  I  said,  "  Here's  a  Nun  has  been  playing  some  trick«'- 

That  horrible  hole !  — it  seems  to  say, 
'  I  'm  a  grave  that  gapes  for  a  living  prey !' " 
And  my  heart  grew,  sick,  and  my  brow  grew  sad  — 
And  I  thought  of  that  wink  at  the  Gardener-lad. 
Ah  me  !   ah  me  !  —  'tis  sad  to  think 
That  Maiden's  eye,  wliich  was  made  to  wink. 


NETLEY   ABBEY.  107 

Should  here  be  compell'd  to  grow  blear,  and  blink, 
Or  be  closed  fur  aye 
In  this  kind  of  way, 
Shut  out  for  ever  from  wholesome  day, 
Wall'd  up  in  a  hole  with  never  a  chink, 
No  light,  — no  air,  —  no  victuals,  — no  drink  \  — 
And  that  Maiden's  lip, 
Which  was  made  to  sip, 
Should  here  grow  wither'd  and  dry  as  la  chip ! 
—  That  wandering  glance  and  furtive  kiss, 
Exceedingly  naughty,  and  wrong,  I  wis, 
Should  yet  be  consider'd  so  much  amiss 
As  to  call  for  a  sentence  severe  as  this !  — 
And  I  said  to  myself,  as  I  heard  with  a  sigh. 
The  poor  lone  victim's  stifled  cry,* 
"Well,  I  can't  understand 
How  any  man's  hand 
Could  wall  up  that  hole  in  a  Christian  land ! 
Why,  a  Mussulman  Turk 
Would  recoil  from  the  work, 
And  though,  when  his  Ladies  run  after  the  fellows,  he 
Stands  not  on  trifles,  if  madden'd  by  jealousy. 
Its  objects,  I  'm  sure,  would  declare,  could  they  speak. 
In  their  Georgian,  Circassian,  or  Turkish,  or  Greek, 
'  When  all 's  said  and  done,  far  better  it  was  for  us, 
Tied  back  to  back, 
And  sewn  up  in  a  sack. 
To  be  pitch'd  neck-and-heels  from  a  boat  in  the  Bosphorus !' 
—  Oh!  a  Saint  'twould  vex 
To  think  that  the  sex 
Should  be  treated  no  better  than  Combe's  double  X ! 

*  About  the  middle  of  the  last  century  a  human  skeleton  was  discovered 
in  a  recess  in  the  wall  among  the  ruins  of  Netley.  On  examination  the 
bones  were  pronounced  to  be  those  of  a  female.  Teste  James  Harrison,  u 
youthful  but  intellijrant  cab-driver  of  Southampton,  who  "well  remember:? 
to  have  heard  his  grandmother  say  that  '  Somebody  told  her  so.'." 


108  A    LEGEND    OF    HAMPSHIRE. 

Sure  some  one  might  run  to  the  Abbess,  and  te.l  her 
A  mach  better  method  of  stocking  her  cellar." 

If  ever  on  polluted  walls 

Heaven's  red  right  arm  in  vengeance  falls, — 

If  e'er  its  justice  wraps  in  flame 

The  black  abodes  of  sin  and  shame, 

That  justice,  in  its  own  good  time, 

Shall  visit  for  so  foul  a  crime. 

Ope  desolation's  floodgate  wide. 

And  blast  thee,  Netley,  in  thy  pride! 

Lo  where  it  comes !  —  the  tempest  lours, — 

It  bursts  on  thy  devoted  towers ; 

Ruthless  Tudor' s  bloated  form 

Rides  on  the  blast,  and  guides  the  storm  ; 

I  hear  the  sacrilegious  cry, 

"Dftwn  with  the  nests,  ond  the  rooks  will  fly!" 

Down!  down  they  come  —  a  fearful  fall  — 
Arch,  and  pillar,  and  roof-tree,  and  all, 
Stained  pane,  and  sculptured  stone, 
There  they  lie  on  the  greensward  strown  — 
Mouldering  walls  remain  alone ! 

Shaven  crown, 

Bombazeen  gown, 
Mitre,  and  Crozier,  and  all  are  flown ! 

And  yet,  fair  Netley,  as  I  gaze 

Upon  that  grey  and  mouldering  wall, 

The  glories  of  thy  palmy  days 
Its  very  stones  recall !  — 

They  "  come  like  shadows,  so  depart" — 

I  see  thee  as  thou  wert  —  and  art — 

Sublime  in  ruin! — grand  in  woe! 
Lone  rofutro  of  the  owl  and  bat: 


NETLET   ABBEY.  109 

No  voice  awakes  thine  echoes  now ! 

No  sound  —  Good  Gracious! — what  was  that? 
Was  it  the  moan, 
The  parting  groan 
Embedded  in  mortar,  and  bricks,  and  stone?  — 
Full  and  clear 
On  my  listening  ear 
It  comes  —  again  —  near,  and  more  near — 
Why  'zooks!  it's  the  popping  of  Ginger  Beer! 
—  I  rush  to  the  door — 
I  tread  the  floor, 
By  Abbots  and  Abbesses  trodden  before, 
In  the  good  old  chivalric  days  of  yore, 
And  what  see  I  there?  — 
In  a  rush-bottom'd  chair 
A  hag,  surrounded  by  crockery-ware, 
Vending,  in  cups,  to  the  credulous  throng 
A  nasty  decoction  miscall'd  Souchong, — 
And  a  squeaking  fiddle  and  "wry-necked  fife" 
Are  screeching  away,  for  the  life !  — for  the  life !  — • 
Danced  to  by  "All  the  World  and  his  wife." 
Tag,  Rag,  and  Bobtail,  are  capering  there, 
Worse  scene,  I  ween,  than  Bartlemy  Fair!  — 
Two  or  three  Chimney-sweeps,  two  or  three  Clowns, 
Playing  at  "pitch  and  toss,"  sport  their  "Browns," 
Two  or  three  damsels,  frank  and  free, 
Are  ogling,  and  smiling,  and  sipping  Bohea. 
Parties  below,  and  parties  above. 
Some  making  tea,  and  some  making  love. 
Then  the  "toot — toot — toot" 
Of  that  vile  demi-flute, — 
The  detestable  din 
Of  that  cracked  violin, 
\nd  the  odours  of  "Stout,"  and  tobacco,  and  gin! 
*  — Dear  me  !"  I  exclaim'd,  "  wh'\t  a  place  to  be  in  J  * 
10 


110  A    LEGEND    OF    HAMPSHIRE. 

And  I  said  to  the  person  who  drove  my  "shay," 

(A  very  intelligent  man,  by  the  way,) 

"  This,  all  things  consider'd,  is  rather  too  gay! 

It  don't  suit  my  humour, —  so  take  me  away  ! 

Dancing !  and  drinking !  —  cigar  and  song ! 

If  not  profanation,  it's  '  coming  it  strong,' 

And  I  really  consider  it  all  very  wrong. — 

—  Pray,  to  whom  does  this  property  now  belong  ?" 

—  He  paused,  and  said. 

Scratching  his  head, 
<<  Why  I  really  do  think  he 's  a  little  to  blame, 
But  I  can't  say  I  knows  the  Gentleman's  name !" 

..Well— well!"  quoth  I, 

As  I  heaved  a  sigh, 
And  a  tear-drop  feU  from  my  twinkling  eye, 
"  My  vastly  good  man,  as  I  scarcely  doubt 
That  some  day  or  other  you  '11  find  it  out, 

Should  he  come  in  your  way, 

Or  ride  in  your  '  shay,' 

(As  perhaps  he  may,) 

Be  so  good  as  to  say 
That  a  Visitor,  whom  you  drove  over  one  day, 
Was  exceedingly  angry,  and  very  much  scandahzed, 
Finding  these  beautiful  j-uins  so  Vandalized, 
And  thus  of  their  owner  to  speak  began, 
As  he  order' d  you  home  in  haste, 

*  No  DOUBT  HE  'S  A  VERY  RESPECTABLE  MAN, 

But  —  I  can'' I  say  much  for  his  taste.' ^"^ 

*  Adieu,  Monsieur  Gil  Bias ;  je  vous  souhaite  toutos  sortes  de  propperites, 
avec  un  peu  plus  de  gout!  —  Gil  Bias. 


A   FRAGMENT.  Ill 

My  very  excellent  brother-in-law,  Seaforth,  late  of  the 
Bombay  Fencibles,  (lucky  dog  to  have  quitted  the  ser- 
vice before  this  shocking  Aifghan  business !)  seems  to 
have  been  even  more  forcibly  affected  on  the  evening 
when  he  so  narrowly  escaped  being  locked  in  at  West- 
minster Abbey,  and  when — but  let  him  describe  his  own 
feelings,  as  he  has  done,  indeed,  in  the  subjoined 


FRAGMENT. 


A  FEELING  sad  came  o'er  me  as  I  trod  the  sacred  ground 
Where  Tudors  and  Plantagencts  were  lying  all  around : 
I  stepp'd  with  noiseless  foot,  as  though  the  sound  of  mortal  tread 
Might  burst  the  bands  of  the  dreamless  sleep  that  wraps  the 
mighty  dead ! 

The   slanting  ray   of   the  evening   sun   shone   through  those 

cloisters  pale, 
With  fitful  light  on  regal  vest,  and  warrior's  sculptured  mail, 
As  from  the  stain'd  and  storied  pane  it  danced  with  quivering 

gleam, 
Each  cold  and  prostrate  form  below  seem'd  quickening  in  the 

beam. 

Now,  sinldng  low,  no  more  was  heard  the  organ's  solemn  swell, 
And  faint  upon  the  listening  ear  the  last  Hosanna  fell : 
It  died  —  and  not  a  breath  did  stir ; —  above  each  knightly  stall, 
Mnmoved,  the  banner'd  blazonry  hung  waveless  as  a  pall. 

I  stood  alone ! — a  living  thing  'midst  those  that  were  no  more — 
I  thought  on  ages  past  and  gone  —  the  glorious  deeds  of  yore  — 
On  Edward's  sable  panoply,  on  Crescj  's  tented  plain, 
The  fatal  Hoses  twined  at  length  —  on  great  Eliza's  reign. 


112  A    FRAGMENT. 

I  thougiit  on  Naseby  —  Marston  iNIoor  —  on  Worc'ster's  "crown- 
ing fight;" 
When  on  mine  ear  a  sound  there  fell — it  chill'd  me  with  affright 
And  thus  in  low,  unearthly  tones,  I  heard  a  voice  begin, 
"  —  This  here's  the  Cap  of  Giniral  Monk! — Sir!  please  put 
summut  in!" 

Coitera  desiderantur. 


That  Seaforth's  nervous  system  was  powerfully  acted 
upon  on  this  occasion  I  can  well  believe.  The  circum- 
stance brings  to  my  recollection  a  fearful  adventure  —  or 
what  might  perhaps  have  proved  one  —  of  my  own  in 
early  life  while  grinding  Gerunds  at  Canterbury.  A 
sharp  touch  of  the  gout,  and  the  reputed  sanatory  quali- 
ties of  a  certain  spring  in  St.  Peter's  Street,  then  in 
much  repute,  had  induced  my  Uncle  to  take  up  a  tem- 
porary abode  within  the  Cathedral  "Precinct."  It  was 
on  one  of  those  temporary  visits  which  I  was  sometimes 
permitted  to  pay  on  half-holidays,  that,  in  self-defence,  I 
had  to  recount  the  following  true  narrative.  I  may  add, 
that  this  tradition  is  not  yet  worn  out :  a  small  maimed 
figure  of  a  female  in  a  sitting  position,  and  holding  some- 
thing like  a  frying-pan  in  her  hand,  may  still  be  seen  on 
the  covered  passage  which  crosses  the  Brick  Walk,  and 
adjoins  the  house  belonging  to  the  sixth  prebendal  stall. 
—  There  are  those,  whom  I  know,  who  would,  even  yet, 
hesitate  at  threading  the  d;irk  entry  on  a  Friday — "not" 
of  course  "  that  they  believe  one  word  about" 


NELL  COOKI 

LEGEND    OF    THE    "  DARK    ENTRY/' 
THE  KING'S  SCHOLAR'S  STORY. 

*'  From  the  '  Brick  walk  '  branches  off  to  the  right  a  long  narrow  vaulted 
pai^BMge,  paved  with  flagstones,  vulgarly  known  by  the  name  of  the  '  Dark 
Entry.'  Its  eastern  extremity  communicates  with  the  cloisters,  crypt,  and 
by  a  private  stair-case,  with  tlie  interior  of  the  Cathedral.  On  the  west  it 
oi>ens  into  tlie  'Green-court,'  forming  a  communication  between  it  and  the 
portion  of  the  '  Precinct'  called  the  '  Oaks.'" — A   Walk  round  Canterbury,  &c. 

Scene — A  back  parlour  in  Mr.  John  Ingoldsby's  house  in  the  Precinct. — 
A  blazing  fire. — Mine  Uncle  is  seated  in  a  high-backed  easy-chair,  twirling  his 
thumbs,  and  wmteuiplatiug  his  list-shoe. — Little  Tom,  the  "  King's  Scholar," 
on  a  stool  opposite. —  Mrs  Jolin  Ingoldsby  at  the  table,  busily  employed  in 
manufacturing  a  cabbsige-rose  (cauliflower?)  in  many-coloured  worsteds. — 
Mine  Uncle's  meditations  are  interrupted  by  the  French-clock  on  the  mantel- 
piece. —  lie  prologizeth  with  vivacity. 

Hark  !  listen  Mrs.  Ingoldsby, — the  clock  is  striking  nine ! 
Give  Master  Tom  another  cake,  and  half  a  glass  of  wine, 
And  ring  the  bell  for  Jenny  Smith,  and  bid  her  bring  his  coat, 
And  a  warm  bandana  hankerchief  to  tie  about  his  throat. 

"And  bid  them  go  the  nearest  way,  for  Mr.  Birch  has  said 
That  nine  o'clock  's  the  hour  he  '11  have  his  boarders  all  in  bed  ; 
And  well  we  know  when  little  boys  their  coming  home  delay, 
They  often  seem  to  walk  and  sit  uneasily  next  day !  " 

" — Now,  nay,  dear  Uucle  Ingoldsby,  now  send  me  not,  I  pray, 
Back  by  that  Entry  dark,  for  that  you  know's  the  nearest  way ; 
I  dread  that  Entry  dark,  with  Jane  alone  at  such  an  hour. 
It  fears  me  quite  —  it's  Friday  night!  —  and  th'^n  Nell  Cook 
hatli  pow'r  I" 
10*  (113) 


114  A    LEGEND   OF    THE    "DARK    ENTRY /' 

"And,  who 's  Nell  Cook,  tliou  silly  child  ? —  and  what 's   Nell 

Cook  to  thee  ? 
lliat  tliou  shouldst  dread  at  night  to  tread  with  Jane  that  dark 

entree  ?" 
— **  Nay,  list  and  hear,  mine  Uncle  dear!  such  fearsome  thuigs 

they  toll 
Of  Nelly  Cook,  that  few  may  brook  at  night  to  meet  with  Nell!" 

"It  was  in  bluff  King  Harry's  days, —  and  Monks  and  Friars 

were  then, 
You  know,  dear  Uncle  Ingoldsby,  a  sort  of  Clergymen. 
They'd  coarse  stuff  gowns,  and  shaven  crowns, — no  shirts, — and 

no  cravats  ; 
\nd  a  cord  was  placed  about  their  waist — they  had  no  shovel  hatn  I 

"  It  was  in  bluff  King  HaiTy's  days,  while  yet  he  went  to  shrift, 
And  long  before  he  stamp'd  and  swore,  and  cut  the  Pope  adrift; 
There  lived  a  portly  Canon  then,  a  sage  and  learned  clerk  ; 
lie  had,  I  trow,  a  goodly  house,  fast  by  that  Entry  dark ! 

"The  Canon  was  a  portly  man  —  of  Latin  and  of  Greek, 
And  learned  lore,  he  had  good  store, — yet  health  was  on  his  cheek. 
The  Priory  fare  was  scant  and  spare,  the  bread  was  made  of  rye, 
The  beer  was  weak,  yet  he  was  sleek — he  had  a  merry  eye. 

"  For  though  within  the  Priory  the  fare  was  scant  and  thin, 
The  Canon's  house  it  stood  without ; — he  kept  good  cheer  within ; 
Unto  the  best  he  prest  each  guest  with  free  and  jovial  look. 
And  Ellen  Bean  ruled  his  cuisine.  —  He  called  her  'Nelly  Cook.* 

"For   soups,  and   stews,   and   choice   ragouts,  Nell  Cook  was 

famous  still ; 
She  'd  make  them  even  of  old  shoes,  she  had  such  wond'rous 

skill: 
Her  manchets  fine  were  quite  divine,  her  cakes  were  nicely 

brown'd. 
Her  boil'd  and  roast,  they  were  the  boast  of  all  the  'Precinct' 

I'ound; 


NELL    COOK.  115 

"  And  Nelly  was  a  comely  lass,  but  calm  and  staid  her  air, 
And  earthward  bent  her  modest  look — yet  was  she  passing  fair^ 
And  though  her  gown  was   russet   brown,  their  heads  grave 

people  shook;    ' 
—  They  all  agreed  no  Clerk  had  need  of  such  a  pretty  cook. 

"One  day,  'twas  on  a  Whitsun-Eve  —  there  came  a  coach  and 

four ; — 
Itpass'd  the  *  Green-Court'  gate,  and  stopp'd  before  the  Canon's 

door ; 
The  travel-stain  on  wheel  and  rein  bespoke  a  "v^eary  way, — 
Each  panting  steed  relax'd  its  speed — out  stept  a  I<ady  gay. 

"'Now,  welcome!  welcome!  dearest  Niece,'  —  the  Canon  then 

did  cry, 
And  to  his  breast  the  Lady  prest  —  he  had  a  merry  eye, — 
*  Now,  welcome  !    welcome  !    dearest  Niece !    in  sooth,  thou  'rt 

welcome  hero, 
'Tis  many  a  day  since  we  have  met — how  fares  my  Brother 

dear  ?' — 

"  *  Now,  thanks,  my  loving  Uncle,'  that  Lady  gay  replied : 
*Gramercy  for  thy  benison!'  — then  'Out,  alas!'  she  sigli'd; 
*My  father  dear  he  is  not  near;  he  seeks  the  Spanish  Main; 
He  prays  thee  give  me  shelter  here  till  lie  return  agaip !' — 

" '  Now,   welcome !    welcome ;    dearest  Niece ;    come   lay  thy 

mantle  by !' 
The  Canon  kiss'd  her  ruby  lip  —  he  had  a  merry  eye,-- 
But  Nelly  Cook  askew  did  look,  — it  came  into  her  mipd 
They  were  a  little  less  than  'kin,'  and  rather  more  thai*  'kind.' 
*  *  *  *  *  -x- 

"  Three  weeks  are  gone  and  over — full  three  weeks  and  a  day, 
Yet  still  within  the  Canon's  house  doth  dwell  that  Lady  gay ; 
On  capons  fine  chey  daily  dine,  rich  cates  and  sauces  rare, 
And  they  quaff  good  ?tore  of  Bordeaux  wine,— so  dainty  ^'i 
their  fare 


116  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    "  DARK    ENTRY." 

"And  fine  upon  the  virginals  is  that  gay  Lady's  touch, 

And  sweet  her  voice  unto  the  lute,  you  '11  scarce  hear  any  such , 

But  is  it  '  0  sanctissima  /'  she  sings  iu  dulcet  tone  ? 

Or  ^Angels  ever  bright  and  fair?' — Ah,  no*! — it's  ^Bobbing  JoanV 

*  -s^-  *  *  -x- 
**  The  Canon's  house  is  lofty  and  spacious  to  the  view; 
The  Canon's  cell  is  order'd  well — yet  Nelly  looks  askew; 

The  Lady's  bower  is  in  the  tower, — yet  Nelly  shakes  her  head — 
.She  hides  the  poker  and  the  tongs  in  that  gay  Lady's  bed! 

*  *  *  -x-  * 

"  Six  weeks  were  gone  and  over — full  six  weeks  and  a  day, 
Yet  in  that  bed  the  poker  and  the  tongs  unheeded  lay! 
From  which,  I  fear,  it 's  pretty  clear  that  Lady  rest  had  none ; 
Or,  if  she  slept  in  any  bed  —  it  was  not  in  her  own. 

"  But  where  that  Lady  pass'd  her  nights,  I  may  not  well  divine, 
Perhaps  in  pious  oraisons  at  good  St.  Thomas'  Shrine, 
And  for  her  father  far  away  breathed  tender  vows  and  true  — 
It  may  be  so  —  I  cannot  say  —  but  Nelly  look'd  askew. 

*'And  still  at  night,  by  fair  moonlight,  when  all  were  lock'd  in 

sleep, 
She'd  listen  at  the  Canon's  door, —  she  'd through  the  keyhole 

peep  — 
I  know  not  what  she  heard  or  saw,  but  fury  fill'd  her  eye  — 
— She  bought  some  nasty  Doctor's-stuff,  and  she  put  it  in  a  pie ! 
X-  *  -s?-  ^  -Sf 

"It  was  a  glorious  summer' s-eve — with  beams  of  rosy  red 
The  Sun  went  down  —  all  Nature  smiled —  but  Nelly  shook  her 

head  ! 
Full  softly  to  the  balmy  breeze  rang  out  the  Vesper  bell — 
— Upon  the  Canon's  startled  ear  it  sounded  like  a  knell  I 

" '  Now  here's  to  thee,  mine  Uncle !  a  health  I  drink  to  thee  I 
Now  pledge  me  back  in  Sherris  sack,  or  a  cup  of  Malvoisie !'— 


NEJiii   COOK.  117 

The  Canon  sigli'd — but,  rousing,  oried,  '  I  answer  to  thy  call, 
And  a  Warden-pie 's  a  dainty  dish  to  mortify  withal !' 

"'Tis  early  dawn  —  the  matin  chime   rings  out   for  morning 

pray'r  — 
And  Prior  and  Friar  is  in  his  stall  —  the  Canon  is  not  there ! 
Nor  in  the  smail  Kefect'ry  hall,  nor  cloister'd  walk  is  he  — 
All  wonder  —  and  the  Sacristan  says,  '  Lauk-a-daisy-me !' 
"They've  search'd  the  aisles  and  Baptistry  —  they've  search'd 

above  —  around — 
The  'Sermon  House' — the  'Audit  Room' — the  Canon  is  not 

found. 
They  only  find  that  pretty  Cook  concocting  a  ragout. 
They  ask  her  where  her  master  is — but  Nelly  looks  askew. 

"They  call   for  crow-bars — 'Jemmies'  is   the   modern   namr 

they  bear — 
They  burst  through  lock,  and  bolt,  and  bar — but  what  a  sig}*: 

is  there  !  — 
The  Canon's  head  lies  on  the  bed — his  Niece  lies  on  the  floor  i 
—  They  are  as  dead  as  any  nail  that  is  in  any  door ! 

" The  livid  spot  is  on  his  breast,  the  spot  is  on  his  back! 
His  portly  form,  no  longer  warm  with  life,  is  swoln  and  black ! — 
The  livid  spot  is  on  her  cheek, —  it's  on  her  neck  of  snow. 
And  the  prior  sighs,  and  sadly  cries,  'Well — here's  a  pretty 
Go !' 


•<  All  at  the  silent  hour  of  night  a  bell  is  heard  to  toll, 

A  knell  is  rung,  a  requiem 's  sung  as  for  a  sinful  soul. 

And  there 's  a  grave  within  the  Nave ;  it 's  dark,  and*  deep,  and 

wide. 
And  they  bury  there  a  Lady  fair,  and  a  Canon  by  her  side ! 

•'An   Uncle — se   'tis  whisper'd  now  throughout  the  sacred 
fane, — 


Il8  A   LEGEND   OF   THE    **  DARK   ENTRY." 

A.nd  a  Niece  —  wliose   father's   far   away  upon   the    Spauisli 

Main  — 
Tlie  Sacristan,  he  says  no  word  that  indicates  a  doubt, 
But  he  puts  his  thumb  unto  his  nose,  and  he  spreads  his  fingera 

out! 

**  And  where  doth  tarry  Nelly  Cook,  that  staid  and  comely  lass  ^ 
Ay,  where? — for  ne'er  from  forth  that  door  was  Nelly  known 

to  pass. 
Her  coif  and  gown  of  russet  brown  were  lost  unto  the  view, 
And  if  you  mention'd  Nelly's  name,  the  Monks  all  look'd  askew! 


"  There  is  a  heavy  paving-stone  fast  by  the  Canon's  door, 
Of  granite  grey,  and  it  may  weigh  some  half  a  ton  or  more, 
And  it  is  laid  deep  in  the  shade  within  that  Entry  dark, 
Where  sun  or  moon-beam  never  play'd,  or  e'en  one  starry  spark. 

**  That  heavy  granite  stone  was  moved  that  night,  'twas  darkly 

said, 
And  the  mortar  round  its  sides  next  morn  seem'd  fresh  and 

newly  laid ; 
But  what  within  the  narrow  vault  beneath  that  stone  doth  lie. 
Or  if  that  there  be  vault,  or  no  —  I  cannot  tell  —  not  I ! 

**But  I've  been  told  that  moan  and  groan,  and  fearful  wail  and 

shriek 
Came  from  beneath  that  paving-stone  for  nearly  half  a  week — ■ 
For  three  long  days  and  three  long  nights  came  forth  those 

sounds  of  fear ; 
Then  all  was  o'er  —  they  never  more  fell  on  the  listening  ear. 


A  hundred  years  were  gone  and  past  since  last  Nell  Cook  was 

seen, 
When  worn  by  use,  that  stone  got  loose,  and  they  went  and 

told  the  Dean. — 


NELL    COOK.  119 

—  Says  the  Dean,  says  he,  'My  Masons  three!  now  haste  and 

fix  it  tight;' 
And  the  Masons  three  peep'd  down  to  see,  and  they  saw  a  fear- 
some sight. 

"  Beneath  that  heavy  paving-stone  a  shocking  hole  they  found — 
It  was  not  more  than  twelve  feet  deep,  and  barely  twelve  feet 
round ; 

—  A  fleshless,  sapless  skeleton  lay  in  that  horrid  well ! 

But  who  the  deuce  'twas  put  it  there  those  Masons  could  not 
teU. 

"And  near  this  fleshless  skeleton  a  pitcher  small  did  lie, 
And  a  mouldy  piece  of  'kissing-crust,'  as  from  a  Warden-pie! 
And  Doctor  Jones  declared  the  bones  were  female  bones  and 

'  Zooks ! 
I  should  not  be  surprised,'  said  he,  '  if  these  were  Nelly  Cook's!' 

**  It  was  in  good  Dean  Bargrave's  days,  if  I  remember  right. 

Those  fleshless  bones  beneath  the  stones  these  Masons  brought 
to  light; 

And  you  may  well  in  the  *  Dean's  Chapelle'  Dean  Bargrave'a 
portrait  view, 

*Who  died  one  night,'  says  old  Tom  Wright,  *in  sixteen  forty- 
two!' 

*'And  so  two  hundred  years  have  pass'd  since  that  these 
Masons  three, 

With  curious  looks,  did  set  Nell  Cook's  unquiet  spirit  free : 

That  granite  stone  had  kept  her  down  till  then  —  so  some  sup- 
pose,— 

—  Some   spread   their   fingers  out,  and  put  their  thumb  unto 

their  nose. 

"But  one  thing's  clear  —  that  all  the  year,  on  every  Friday 

night. 
Throughout  that  Entry  dark  doth  roam  Nell   Cook's  "Onquiet 

Sprite : 


120  A    LEGEND   OF   THE    *'  DARK    ENTRY.'' 

On  Fx'idny  was  that  Warden-pie  all  by  that  Canon  tried; 
On  Frid.i}'  died  he,  and  that  tidy  Lady  by  his  side! 

"And  though  two  hundred  years  liave  flown,  Nell  Cook  doth 

still  pursue 
Her  weary  walk,  and  they  who  cros  her  path  the  deed  may  rue 
Her  fatal  breath  is  fell  as  death!  the  Simoom's  blast  is  not 
More  dire  —  (a  wind  in  Africa  that  blows  uncommon  hot). 

But  all  unlike  the  Simoom's  blast,  her  breath  is  deadly  cold, 
Delivering  quivering,  shivering  shocks  unto  both  young  and  old. 
And  whoso  in  that  entry  dark  doth  feel  that  fatal  breath, 
He  ever  dies  within  the  year  some  dire,  untimely  death ! 

"No  matter  who — no  matter  what  condition,  age,  or  sex, 

But  some  *get  shot,'  and  some  'get  drown'd,'  and  some  *get' 

broken  necks ; 
Some  *  get  run  over'  by  a  coach  ;  —  and  one  beyond  the  seas 
'Got'  scraped  to  death  with  oyster-shells  among  the  Caribbees! 

"Those  Masons  three,  who  set  her  free,  fell  first! — it  is  averr'd 
That  two  were  hang'd  on  Tyburn  tree  for  murd'ring  of  the  third: 
Charles  Story,*  too,  his  friend  who  slew,  had  ne'er,  if  truth  they 

tell. 
Been  gibbeted  on  Chartam  Downs,  had  they  not  met  with  Nell ! 

"Then  send  me  not,  mine  Uncle  dear,  oh!  send  me  not,  I  pray, 
Back  through  that  Entry  dark  to-night,  but  round  some  other 

way! 
I  will  not  be  a  truant  boy,  but  good,  and  mind  my  book, 
For  Heaven  forfend  that  ever  I  foregather  with  Nell  Cook !" 


*  In  or  about  the  year  1780,  a  worthy  of  this  name  cut  the  throat  of  a 
journeyman  paper-maker,  was  executed  on  Oaten  Hill,  and  afterwards  liung 
.n  chains  near  the  scene  of  his  crime.  It  was  to  this  place,  as  being  the 
extreme  boundary  of  the  City's  jurisdiction,  that  the  worthy  Mayor  with  so 
much  naiveti  wished  to  escort  Archbishop  M***  on  one  of  his  progresses, 
when  he  begged  to  have  the  honour  of  "  attending  his  Grace  as  far  as  th-t 
gallows." 


NELL   COOK.  121; 

The  class  was  call'd  at  morning  tide,  and  Master  Tom  was  there ; 
He  look'd  askew,  and  did  eschew  both  stool,  and  bench,  and  chair, 
He  did  not  talk,  he  did  not  walk,  the  tear  was  in  his  eye,  — • 
lie  had  not  e'en  that  sad  resource,  to  sit  him  down  and  cry. 

Hence  little  boys  may  learn,  when  they  from  school  go  out  to 

dine, 
They  should  not  deal  in  rigmarole,  but  still  be  back  by  nine ; 
For  if  when  they  've  their  great-coat  on,  they  pause  before  they 

part 
To  tell  a  long  and  prosy  tale, — perchance  their  own  may  smart* 


Moral. 

—  A  few  remarks  to  learned  Clerks  in  country  and  in  town  — 
Don't  keep  a  pretty  serving-maid  though  clad  in  russet  brown !  — 
Don't  let  your   Niece   sing  "Bobbing  Joan!"  —  don't  with  a 

merry  eye. 
Hob-nob  in  Sack  and  Malvoisie, —  and  don't  eat  too  much  pie ! ! 
And  oh !  beware  that  Entry  dark, —  especially  at  night, — 
And  don't  go  there  with  Jenny  Smith  all  by  the  pale  moonlight ! — 
So  bless  the  Queen  and  her  Royal  Weans, — and  the  Prince  whose 

hand  she  took, — 
And  bless  us  all,  both  great  and  small, —  and  keep  uo  from  Nell 

Cook ! 


11 


122  NURSERY   REMINISCENCES. 

Kind,  good  hearted,  gouty  Uncle  John  !  how  well  I 
remember  all  the  kindness  and  affection  which  my  mis- 
chievous propensities  so  ill  repaid  —  his  bright  blue  coat 
and  resplendent  gilt  buttons  —  his"  frosty  pow"  si  hien 
poudre — his  little  quill-like  pigtail! — Of  all  my  praise- 
worthy actions — they  were  "  like  angel  visits,  few  and 
far  between  '' — the  never-failing  and  munificent  reward- 
er  ]  cf  my  naughty  deeds — they  were  multitudinous  as 
the  SL^nds  on  the  sea-shore — the  ever-ready  palliator;  my 
inter^-essor,  and  sometimes  even  my  defender  against 
punisAment,  "  staying  harsh  justice  in  its  mid  career  1 " 
— Po'^r  Uncle  John  !  he  will  ever  rank  among  the  dear, 
est  of  my 

NURSERY    REMINICENCES. 

I  REMEMBER,  I  remember, 

When  I  was  a  little  Boy, 
One  fine  morning  in  September 

Uncle  brought  me  home  a  toy. 


^-3    . 


I  remember  how  he  patted 

Both  my  cheeks  in  kindliest  moo<: 

"Then,"  said  he,  "you  little  Fat-head, 
There's  a  top  because  you 're- good  !'' 

Grandmamma  —  a  shrewd  observer- 

I  remember  gazed  upon 
My  new  top,  and  said  with  fervour, 

"Oh!  how  kind  of  Uncle  John!" 

While  mamma  my  form  caressing, — 
In  her  eye  the  tear-drop  stood, 

Read  me  this  fine  moral  lesson, 
"See  what  conies  of  being  good!" 


NURSERY    REMINISCENCES.  12^] 

I  remember,  I  remember, 

On  a  wet  and  windy  day, 
One  cold  morning  in  December, 

I  stole  out  and  went  to  play; 

I  remember  Billy  Hawkins 

Came,  and  with  his  pewter  squirt 
Squibb'd  my  pantaloons  and  stockings 

Till  they  were  all  over  dirt ! 

To  my  mother  for  protection 

I  ran,  quaking  every  limb  : 
—  She  exclaim'd,  with  fond  affection, 

'< Gracious  Goodness!  look  at  himr — 

Pa  cried,  when  he  saw  my  garment, 

— 'Twas  a  newly-purchased  dress  — 
"  Oh !  you  nasty  little  Warment, 

How  came  you  in  such  a  mess?" — 

Then  he  caught  aie  by  the  collar, 

—  Cruel  only  to  bo  kind  — 
And  to  my  exceeding  dolour, 

Gave  me  —  several  slaps  behind. 

Grandmamma,  while  yet  I  smarted. 

As  she  saw  my  evil  plight. 
Said  —  'twas  rather  stony-hearted  — 

"Little  rascal!  sarve  him  right!" 

I  remember,  I  remember, 

From  that  sad  and  solemn  day. 
Never  more  in  dark  December 

Did  I  venture  out  to  play. 

And  the  moral,  which  they  taught,  I 

Well  remember;  thus  they  said  — 
"  Little  Boys,  when  they  are  naughty. 

Must  be  whipp'd  and  sent  to  bed !" 


124 


A   LEGEND   OF   A    SHIRT. 


Poor  Uncle  John  ! 

"After  life's  fitful  fever,  he  sleeps  well," 

in  the  old  family  vault  in  Denton  chancel  —  and  dea» 
Aunt  Fanny  too  ! —  the  latter  also  "  loo'd  me  wee\,"  as 
the  Scotch  song  has  it, —  and  since,  at  this  moment,  1 
am  in  a  most  soft  and  sentimental  humour  —  ( — whisky 
toddy  should  ever  be  made  by  pouring  the  boiling  fluid 
— hotter  if  possible — upon  the  thinnest  lemon-peel, — and 
then — but  everybody  knows  "  what  then — ")  I  dedicate 
the  following  "  True  History ''  to  my  beloved 


AUNT    FANNY. 

A    LEGEND    OF   A    SHIRT. 

Virginibus,  Puerisque  canto. — Hor. 
Old  Maids,  and  Bachelors  I  chaunt  to!  —  T.  I. 

I  SING  of  a  Shirt  that  never  was  new ! 

In  the  course  of  the  year  Eighteen  hundred  and  two 

Aunt  Fanny  began, 

Upon  Grandmamma's  plan, 
To  make  one  for  me,  then  her  "  dear  little  man." — 

—  At  the  epoch  I  speak  about,  I  was  between 

A  man  and  a  boy, 

A  hobble-de-hoy, 
A  fat,  little,  punchy  concern  of  sixteen, — 

Just  beginning  to  flirt, 

And  ogle,  —  so  pert, 
I  'd  been  whipt  every  day  had  I  had  my  desert, 

—  And  Aunt  Fan  voluntcer'd  to  make  me  a  shirt  I 


AUNT    FANNY. 

I've  said  she  began  it, — 

Some  unlucky  planet 
No  doubt  interfered,  — for,  before  she,  and  Janet 
Completed  the  "cutting-out,"  "hemming,"  and  "stitching,' 
A  tall  Irish  footman  appear'd  in  the  kitchen; — 

■ — This  took  oif  the  maid, — 

And,  I  'm  sadly  afi'aid, 
My  respected  Aunt  Fanny's  attention,  too,  stray'd ; 
For,  about  the  same  period,  a  gay  son  of  Mars, 
Cornet  Jones  of  the  Tenth  (then  the  Prince's)  Hussars, 

With  his  fine  dark  eyelashes, 

And  finer  moustaches, 
And  the  ostrich  plume  work'd  on  the  corps'  sabre-taches, 
(I  say  nought  of  the  gold-and-red  cord  of  the  sashes. 
Or  the  boots  far  above  tlie  Guards 'vile  spatterdashes,) — 
So  eyed,  and  so  sigh'd,  and  so  lovingly  tried 
To  engage  her  whole  ear  as  he  lounged  by  her  side. 
Looking  down  on  the  rest  with  such  dignified  pride, 

That  she  made  up  her  mind 

She  should  certainly  find 
Cornet  Jones  at  her  feet,  whisp'ring,  "  Fan,  be  my  bride !" 
— She  had  even  resolved  to  say  "Yes"  should  he  ask  it, 
—  And  I  —  and  my  Shirt  —  were  both  left  in  the  basket. 

To  her  grief  and  dismay 

She  discover'd  one  day 
Cornet  Jones  of  the  Tenth  was  a  little  too  gay ; 
For,  besides  that  she  saw  him  —  he  could  not  say  nay  — 
Wink  at  one  of  the  actresses  capering  away 
In  a  Spanish  bolero,  one  night  at  the  play, 
She  found  he  'd  already  a  wife  at  Cambray ; — 
One  at  Paris,  —  a  nymph  of  the  corps  de  ballet ; — 
And  a  third  down  in  Kent,  at  a  place  call'd  Foot's  Cray.— 

He  Avas  "viler  than  dirt!" — 

Fanny  vow'd  to  exert 
All  her  powers  to  forget  him,  —  and  finish  my  Shirt. 
11* 


125 


126  A   LEGEND   OF    A    SHIRT. 

But,  oh!  lack-a-day! 

How  time  slips  away  I  — 
Who  'd  have  thought  that  while  Cupid  was  playing  these  tricks 
Ten  years  had  elapsed,  and  —  I'd  turn'd  twenty-six?  — 

*'I  care  not  a  whit, 

—  He's  not  grown  a  bit," 

Says  my  Aunt,  "  it  will  still  be  a  very  good  fit," 

So  Janet  and  She, 

Now  about  thirty-three, 
(The  maid  had  been  jilted  by  Mr.  Magee,) 
Each  taking  one  end  of  "  the  Shirt"  on  her  knee, 
Again  began  working  with  hearty  good  will, 
"Felling  the  Seams,"  and  "whipping  the  Finll," — 
For,  twenty  years  since,  though  the  Ruflfle  had  vanish'd, 
X  Frill  like  a  fan  had  by  no  means  been  banish'd ; 
o'eople  wore  them  at  playhouses,  parties,  and  churches, 
liike  overgrown  fins  of  overgrown  perches. — 

Now,  then,  by  these  two  thus  laying  their  caps 
Together,  my  "  Shirt"  had  been  finish'd,  perhaps, 
But  for  one  of  those  queer  little  three-corner'd  straps, 
Which  the  ladies  call  "  Side-bits,"  that  sever  the  "  Flaps ;  ' 

—  Here  unlucky  Janet 
Took  her  needle,  and  ran  it 

Right  into  her  thumb,  and  cried  loudly,  "  Ads  cuss  it! 
I  've  spoil'd  myself  now  by  that  'ere  nasty  Gusset !" 

For  a  month  to  come 

Poor  dear  Janet's  thumb 
Was  in  that  sort  of  state  vulgar  people  call  "Bum." 

At  the  end  of  that  time, 

A  youth,  still  in  his  prime. 
The  Doctor's  fat  Errand-boy, — just  such  a  dolt  as  is 
Kept  to  mix  draughts,  and  spread  plaisters  and  poultices. 
Who  a  bread-cataplasm  each  morning  had  carried  her, 
Sigh'd, — ogled, — proposed, — was  accepted, — and  married  her  i 


AUNT    FANNY. 

Mucli  did  Aunt  Fau 

Disapprove  of  the  pLui; 
She  turn'd  up  her  dear  little  siiub  at  "the  Man." 

She  "could  not  believe  it" — 

"Could  scarcely  conceive  it 
Was  possible  —  What!  such  a  place! — and  then  leave  it! 
And  all  for  a  '  Shrimp'  not  as  high  as  my  hat  — 
A  little  contemptible  '  Shaver'  like  that! ! 
With  a  broad  pancake  fixce,  and  eyes  buried  in  fat!" 

—  For  lier  part,  "She  was  sure 
She  could  never  endure 

A  lad  with  a  lisp,  and  a  leg  like  a  skewer. — 

Such  a  name  too ;  —  ('twas  Potts  !)  —  and  so  nasty  a  trade ! 

No,  no, —  she  would  much  rather  die  an  old  maid !  — 

He  a  husband,  indeed! — Well  —  mine,  come  what  may  come, 

Shan't  look  like  a  blister,  or  smell  of  Guaiacum !" 

But  there! 

She'd  "declare, 
It  was  Janet's  atFair  — 

—  Chacun  d  son  goitt, 

As  she  baked  she  might  brew — 
She  could  not  prevent  her  —  'twas  no  use  in  trying  it  — 
Oh,  no  —  she  had  made  her  own  bed,  and  might  lie  in  it 
They  *  repent  at  leisure  who  marry  at  random.' 
No  matter— ^Z)e  gustibus  non  dispuiandum !'' 
Consoling  herself  with  this  choice  bit  of  Latin, 
A.unt  Fanny  resignedly  bought  some  white  satin, 

And,  as  the  Soubrette 

Was  a  very  great  pet 
After  all, —  she  resolved  to  forgive  and  forget, 
And  sat  down- to  make  her  a  bridal  rosette, 
With  magnificent  bits  of  some  white-looking  metal 
Stuck  in,  here  and  there,  each  forming  a  petal. — 
— On  such  an  occasion  one  couldn't  feel  hurt, 
Of  course,  that  she  ceased  to  remember  —  my  Shirt  i 


127 


128  A    LEGEND   OF   A   SHIRT. 

Ten  years, —  or  nigh, 

Had  again  gone  by, 
When,  Fan,  accidentally  casting  her  eye 
On  a  dirty  old  work-basket,  hung  up  on  high 
In  the  store-closet  where  herbs  were  put  by  to  dry, 
Took  it  down  to  explore  it  —  she  didn't  know  why. — 

Within,  a  pea-soup  colour'd  fragment  she  spied. 

Of  the  hue  of  a  November  fog  in  Cheapside, 

Or  a  bad  piece  of  gingerbread  spoilt  in  the  baking. 

—  I  still  hear  her  cry, — 

"  I  wish  I  may  die 
If  here  isn't  Tom's  Shirt,  that 's  been  so  long  a-making ! — 

My  gracious  me ! 

Well, —  only  to  see  ! 
I  declare  it 's  as  yellow  as  yellow  can  be ! 
Why  it  looks  just  as  though't  had  been  soak'd  in  green  tea! 

Dear  me,  did  you  ever? — 

But  come — 'twill  be  clever 
To  bring  matters  round ;  so  I  'II  do  my  endeavour 
'Better  Late,'  says  an  excellent  proverb,  'than  Never!' — 
It  is  stain'd,  to  be  sure ;  but  '  grass-bleaching '  will  bring  it 
To  rights  'in  a  jiify.' — We'll  wash  it,  and  wring  it; 

Or,  stay — '  Hudson's  Liquor' 

Will  do  it  still  quicker. 

And "   Here  the  new  maid  chimed  in,    "Ma'am,  Salt  of 

Lemon 
Will  make  it,  in  no  time,  quite  fit  for  the  Gemman  !": — 
So  they  "  set  in  the  gathers," — the  large  round  the  collar, 
While  those  at  the  wrist-bands  of  course  were  much  smaller,  - 
The  button-holes  now  were  at  length  "  overcast ;" 
Then  a  button  itself  was  sewn  on — 'twas  the  last! 

All 's  done  1 
All's  won! 

Never  under  the  sun 
\Vas  Shirt  so  late  finish'd  —  so  early  begun!  — 


AUxS'T   FANNV.  129 

—  The  work  would  defy 

The  most  critical  eye. 
tt  was  "bleach'd," — it  was  wash'd, — it  was  hung  out  to  dry, — 
[t  was  mark'd  on  the  tail  with  a  T,  and  an  I ! 

On  the  back  of  a  chair  it 

Was  placed, — just  to  air  it, 
In  front  of  the  fire. — "  Tom  to-morrow  shall  wear  it !' 
—  0  cceca  mens  hominum! — Fanny,  good  soul. 
Left  her  charge  for  one  moment  —  but  one  —  a  vile  coal 
Bounced  out  from  the  grate,  and  set  fire  to  the  whole ! 


Had  it  been  Doctor  Arnott's  new  stove  — not  a  grate  : — 
Had  the   coal   been  a  "Lord  Mayor's   coal,'' — viz:  n 
slate  ;— 
What  a  different  tale  had  I  had  to  relate ! 
And  Aunt  Fan  —  and  my  Shirt — been  superior  to  Fate! — • 
One  moment  —  no  more !  — 
—  Fan  open'd  the  door! 
The  draught  made  the  blaze  ten  times  worse  than  before ; 
And  Aunt  Fanny  sank  down — in  despair  —  on  the  floor! 

You  may  fancy  perhaps  Agrippina's  amazement, 

When,  looking  one  fine  moonlight  night  from  her  casement, 

She  saw,  while  thus  gazing. 

All  Rome  a-blazing, 
And,  losing  at  once  all  restraint  on  her  temper,  or 
Feelings,  exclaim'd,  "  Hang  that  Scamp  of  an  Emperor, 

Although  he's  my  son!  — 
—  thinks  it  prime  fun, 
No  doubt !  — While  the  flames  are  demolishing  Rome, 
There's  my  Nero  a-fiddling,  and  singing  '  Sweet  Home!' " 
—  Stay  — I'm  really  not  sure  'twas  that  lady  who  said 
The  words  I've  put  down,  as  she  stepp'd  into  bed,  — 
On  reflection,  I  rather  believe  she  was  dead  ; 

But  e'en  when  at  College,  I 

Fairly  acknowledge,  I 


1301  A    LEGEND    OF    A    SHIRT. 

Never  was  yary  precise  in  Chronology ; 

So,  if  there's  an  error,  pray  set  down  as  mine  a 

Mistake  of  no  very  great  moment  —  in  fine,  a 

Mere  slip  —  'twas  some  Pleb's  wife,  if  not  Agrippina 

You  may  fancy  that  warrior,  so  stern  and  so  stony, 
Whom  thirty  years  since  we  all  used  to  call  Boney, 
When,  engaged  in  what  he  styled  "fulfilling  his  destinies," 
He  led  his  rapscallions  across  the  Borysthenes, 

And  had  made  up  his  mind 

Snug  quarters  to  find 
In  Moscow,  against  the  catarrhs  and  the  coiighs 
Which  are  apt  to  prevail  'mongst  the  "Ovvskis"  and  "Oil's.' 

At  a  time  of  the  year 

When  your  nose  and  your  ear 
Are  by  no  means  so  safe  there  as  people's  are  hero. 
Inasmuch  as  "Jack  Frost,"  that  most  fearful  of  Bogles, 
Makes  folks  leave  their  cartilage  oft  in  their  "fogies," 

You  may  fancy,  I  say, 

That  same  Boney' s  dismay, 

When  Count  Rostopchin 

At  once  made  him  drop  chin, 
And  turn  up  his  eyes,  as  his  rappee  he  took, 
With  a  sort  of  mori-de-ma-vie  kind  of  look, 

On  perceiving  that  "Swing," 

And  "  all  that  sort  of  thing," 
Was  at  work, — that  he  'd  just  lost  the  game  without  knowing  it- 
That  the  Kremlin  was  blazing — the  Russians  a  "a-going  it,"- 
Every  plug  in  the  place  frozen  hard  as  the  ground, 
And  the  deuce  of  a  Turn-cock  at  all  to  be  found ! 

You  may  fancy  King  Charles  at  some  Court  Fancy-Bali, 

(The  date  we  may  fix 

In  Sixteen  sixty-six,) 
In  the  room  built  by  Inigo  Jones  at  Whitehall, 
Whence  his  father,  the  Martyr,  —  (as  such  mourn'd  by  all 
Who,  in  his,  wept  the  Law's  and  the  Monarchy's  fall,) — 


NETLEY    ABBEY.  131 

Stept  out  to  exchange  regal  robes  for  a  pall  — 

You  may  fancy  King  Cliarles,  I  say,  stopping  the  brawl,* 

As  bursts  on  his  sight  the  old  church  of  St.  Paul, 

By  the  light  of  its  flames,  now  beginning  to  crawl 

From  basement  to  buttress,  and  topping  its  wall  — 

—  You  may  fancy  old  Clarendon  making  a  call, 
And  stating  in  cold,  slow,  monotonous  drawl, 

*'  Sire,  from  Pudding  Lane's  End,  close  by  Fishmongers'  Hall, 

To  Pye  Corner,  in  Smithfield,  there  is  not  a  stall 

There,  in  market,  or  street, — not  a  house,  great  or  small, 

In  which  Knight  wields  his  faulchion,  or  Cobbler  his  awl, 

But's  on  fire  ! !" — You  may  fancy  the  general  squall. 

And  bawl  as  they  all  call  for  whimple  and  shawl!  — 

—  You  may  fancy  all  this  —  but  I  boldly  assert 

You  carit  fancy  Aunt  Fan  —  as  she  look'd  on  MY  SHIRT ! !  I 

Was't  Apelles?  or  Zeuxix? — I  think  'twas  Apelles, 

That  artist  of  old — 1  declare  I  can't  tell  his 

Exact  patronymic  —  I  write  and  pronounce  ill 

These  Classical  names  —  whom  some  Grecian  Town-Council 

Employ'd, —  I  believe,  by  command  of  the  Oracle, — 

To  produce  them  a  splendid  piece,  purely  historical, 

For  adorning  the  wall 

Of  some  fane,  or  Guildhall, 
And  who  for  his  subject  determined  to  try  a 
Large  painting  in  oils  of  Miss  Iphigenia 

At  the  moment  her  Sire, 

By  especial  desire 
Of  "  that  Spalpeen,  O'Dysseus"  (see  Barney  Maguiru}, 

Has  resolved  to  devote 

Her  beautiful  throat 
To  old  Chalcas's  knife,  and  her  limbs  to  the  fire ; 
— An  act  which  we  moderns  by  no  means  admire,- 

*  Not  a  "  row,"  but  a  dance  — 

"  The  brave  Lord  Keeper  led  the  braivis, 
The  seals  and  maces  danced  before  him."  —  Gray 
—And  trul3'  Sir  Christopher  danced  to  some  tune. 


132 


A.   LEGEND   OF    A   SHIRT. 


All  off'ring,  'tis  true,  to  Jove,  Mars,  or  Apollo  cost 
No  trifling  sum  in  those  (lays,  if  a  holocaust,— 
Still,  although  for  economy  we  should  condemn  none, 
In  an  ava^  avSpwv,  like  the  great  Agamemnon, 

To  give  up  to  slaughter 

An  elegant  daughter. 
After  all  the  French,  Music,  and  Dancing  they'd  taught  her. 
And  Singing. — at  Heaven  knows  how  much  a  quarter, — 

In  lieu  of  a  Calf  !— 

It  was  too  bad  by  half! 
At  a  '* nigger"*  so  pitiful  who  would  not  laugh, 
And  turn  up  their  noses  at  one  who  could  find 
No  decenter  method  of  "  Raising  the  Wind  ?" 

No  doubt  but  he  might, 

Without  any  great  Flight, 
Have  obtain'd  it  by  what  we  call  "flying  a  kite," 
Or  on  mortgage  —  or  sure,  if  he  couldn't  so  do  it,  he 
Must  have  succeeded  "by  way  of  annuity." 

But  there  —  it  appears, 

His  crocodile  tears. 
His  "  Oh  !  s"  and  his  "Ah !  s"  his  "  Oh  Law !  s"  and  "  Oh  dear  I  s' 
Were  all  thought  sincere, — so  in  painting  his  Victim 
The  Artist  was  splendid  —  but  could  not  depict  Him, 

His  features  and  phiz  awry 

Show'd  so  much  misery, 

And  so  like  a  dragon  he 

Look'd  in  his  agony. 
That  the  foil'd  Painter  buried  —  despairing  to  gain  a 
Good  likeness  —  his  face  in  a  printed  Bandana. 
—  Such  a  veil  is  best  thrown  o'er  one's  face  when  one'!-'  hurt 
By  some  grief  which  no  power  can  repair  or  avert! — 
—  Such  a  veil  I  shall  throw  o'er  Aunt  Fan — and  My  Shirt! 

•  ilibernice  '•  nigger,"  quasi  '•  uiggard."     Vide  B.  Maguire  jjassi//- 


AUNT    FANNY. 


Moral. 


133 


And  now  far  some  practical  hints  from  the  story 

Of  Aunt  Fan's  mishap,  which  I've  thus  laid  before  ye; 

For,  if  rather  too  gay, 

I  can  venture  to  say, 
A  fine  vein  of  morality  is,  in  each  lay 
Of  my  primitive  Muse,  the  distinguishing  trait! — 

First  of  all  —  Don't  put  off  till  to-morrow  what  may. 

Without  inconvenience,  be  managed  to-day ! 

That  golden  occasion  we  call  "  Opportunity" 

Rarely 's  neglected  by  man  with  impunity ! 

And  the  "  Future,"  how  brightly  soe'er  by  Hope's  dupe  coloui-'d. 

Ne'er  may  afford 

You  a  lost  chance  restored, 
Till  both  you,  and  YOUR  SHIRT,  are  grown  old  and  pea-soup- 
colour'd ! 

I  would  also  desire 

You  to  guard  your  attire. 
Young  Ladies,  —  and  never  go  too  near  the  fire !  — 
—  Depend  on 't  there 's  many  a  dear  little  Soul 
Has  found  that  a  Spark  is  as  bad  as  a  coal,  — 
And  "  in  her  best  petticoat  burnt  a  great  hole !" 

Last  of  all,  gentle  Reader,  don't  be  too  secure  !  — 
Let  seeming  success  never  make  you  "cock-sure I" 

But  beware! — and  take  care, 

When  all  things  look  fair, 
How  you  hang  your  Shirt  over  the  back  of  your  chair  I  — 

—  "  There 's  many  a  slip 

'Twixt  the  cup  and  the  lip!" 
Re  this  excellent  proverb,  then,  well  understood. 
And  Don't  halloo  before  you're  quite  out  of  thi.  wood'  I? 
12 


1S4  A    LEGEND   OP   JARVIS'S    JETTY. 

It  is  to  my  excellent  and  erudite  friend,  Simpkinson, 
that  I  am  indebted  for  his  graphic  description  of  the 
well-known  chalk-pit,  between  Acol  and  Minster  in  the 
Isle  of  Thanet,  known  by  the  name  of  the  ''  Smuggler's 
Leap."  The  substance  of  the  true  history  attached  to 
it  he  picked  up  while  visiting  that  admirable  institution, 
the  "  Sea-bathing  Infirmary,"  of  which  he  is  a  ^'  Life 
Governor,"  and  enjoying  his  otium  cum  diynitate  last 
summer  at  the  least  aristocratic  of  all  possible  watering- 
places. 

Before  I  proceed  to  detail  it  however,  I  cannnot,  in 
conscience,  fail  to  bespeak  for  him  the  reader's  sympathy 
in  one  of  his  own 


MISADVENTURES  AT  MARGATE 

A    LEGEND    OF   JARVIs's    JETTY. 

MR.  SIMPKINSON  [loquUur). 

I  WAS  in  Margate  last  July,  I  walk'd  upon  the  pier, 
I  saw  a  little  vulgar  Boy  —  I  said  "What  make  you  here?  — 
The  gloom  upon  your  youthful  cheek  speaks  anything  but  joy ;' 
Again  I  said,  "  What  make  you  here,  you  little  vulgar  Boy  ?" 
He  frown'd,  that  little  vulgar  Boy, — he  deem'd  I  meant  to  scoff— 
And  Triien  the  little  heart  is  big,  a  little  "  sets  it  off;" 
He  put   his  finger  in  his  mouth,  his  little  bosom  rose, — 
ile  had  no  little  handkerchief  to  wipe  his  little  nose ! 

"  Hark !"  don't  you  hear,  my  little  man  ?  —  it 's  striking  Nine,' 

I  said, 
<*  An  hour  when  all  good  little  boys  and  girls  should  be  in  bed. 


MISADVENTURES   AT    MARGATE.  135 

Run  home  and  get  your  supper,  else  your  Ma'  will  scold — Oh  I 

fie!  — 
It 's  very  wrong  indeed  for  little  boys  to  stand  and  cry !" 

The  tear-drop  in  his  little  eye  again  began  to  spring, 

His  bosom  throbb'd  with  agony, —  he  cried  like  any  thing! 

I  stoop'd,  and  thus  amidst  his  sobs  I  heard  him  murmur — *' Ah  I 

I  haven't  got  no  supper !  and  I  haven't  got  no  Ma"  ! !  — 

*'My  father,  he  is  on  the  seas, — my  mother's  dead  and  gone! 
And  I  am  here,  on  this  here  pier,  to  roam  the  world  alone ; 
I  have  not  had,  this  live-long  day,  one  drop  to  cheer  my  heart, 
Nor  '  brown'  to  buy  a  bit  of  bread  with, — let  alone  a  tart. 

"If  there 's  a  soul  will  give  me  food,  or  find  me  in  employ, 
By  day  or  night,  then  blow  me  tight!"  (he  was  a  vulgar  Boy;) 
"  And  now  I  'm  here,  from  this  here  pier  it  is  my  fix'd  intent 
To  jump,  as  Mister  Levi  did  from  off  the  Monu-ment!" 

"Cheer  up!  cheer  up!  my  little   man  —  cheer  up!"  I  kindly 

said, 
"  You  are  a  naughty  boy  to  take  such  things  into  your  head: 
If  you  should  jump  from  off  the  pier,  you'd  surely  break  your 

legs, 
Perhaps  your  neck  —  then  Bogey 'd  have  you,  sure  as  eggs  are 

eggs! 

"  Come  home  with  me,  my  Httle  man,  come  home  with  me  and 

sup; 
My  landlady  is  Mrs.  Jones  —  we  must  not  keep  her  up  — 
There's  roast  potatoes  at  the  fire, —  enough  for  me  and  you-- 
Come  home,  you  little  vulgar  Boy  —  I  lodge  at  Number  2." 

I  took  him  home  to  Number  2,  the  house  beside  "The  Foy," 
1  bad  him  wipe  his  dirty  shoes, —  that  little  vulgar  Boy,— • 
And  then  I  said  to  Mistress  Jones,  the  kindest  of  her  sex. 
"  Pray  be  so  good  as  go  and  fetch  a  pint  of  double  X  !" 


136  A  LEGEND  OF  JARVIS'S  JETTY. 

But  Mrs.  Jones  was  rather  cross,  she  made  a  little  noise, 
She  said  she  "  did  not  like  to  wait  on  little  vulgar  Boys." 
She  with  her  apron  wiped  the  plates,  and,  as  she  rubb'd  the 

delf. 
Said  I  might  "go  to  Jericho,  and  fetch  my  beer  myself  I" 

I  did  not  go  to  Jericho  —  I  went  to  Mr.  Cobb  — * 

I  changed  a  shilling — (which  in  town  the  people  call  a  Bob)"— 

It  was  not  so  much  for  myself  as  for  that  vulgar  child — 

And  I  said,  "A  pint  of  double  X,  and  please  to  draw  it  mild!" 

When  I  came  back  I  gazed  about — 1  gazed  on  stool  and  chair — 
I  could  not  see  my  little  friend — because  he  was  not  there! 
I  peep'd  beneath  the  table-cloth  —  beneath  the  sofa  too  — 
I  said  "You  little  vulgar  Boy!  why  what's  become  of  you?" 

I  could  not  see  my  table-spoons  —  I  look'd,  but  could  not  see 
The  little  fiddle-pattern' d  ones  I  use  when  1  'm  at  tea ; 
— I  could  not  see  my  sugar-tongs  —  my  silver  watch — oh,  dear! 
I  know  'twas  on  the  mantel-piece  when  I  went  out  for  beer. 

I  could  not  see  my  Macintosh  —  it  was  not  to  be  seen !  — 

Nor  yet  my  best  white  beaver  hat,  broad-brimm'd   and  lined 

with  green ; 
My  carpet-bag — my  cruet-stand,  that  holds  ray  sauce  and  soy, — 
My  roast  potatoes !  — all  are  gone ! — and  so 's  that  vulgar  Boy ! 

I  rang  the  bell  for  Mrs.  Jones,  for  she  was  down  below, 
*' — Oh,  Mrs.  Jones!  what  do  you  think?  —  ain't  this  a  pretty 
go?  — 

—  That  horrid  little  vulgar  Boy  whom  I  brought  here  to-night, 

—  He's  stolen  my  things  and  run  away!!" — Says  she,  "And 

sarve  you  right!  !" 


*  Qui  facit  pkk  atjum,  facit  per  se — Deem  not,  gentle  stranger,  U  at  Mr. 
Cobb  is  a  petly  dealer  and  chapman,  as  Mr.  Simpkinson  would  here  s-hmu  to 
imply.  He  is  a  maker,  not  a  retailer  of  stingo, —  and  mighty  pretty  nppk 
be  makes. 


MISADVENTURES    AT    MARGATE.  13T 

Next  morning  1  was  up  betimes  —  I  sent  the  Crier  round, 
All  with  his  bell  and  gold-laced  hat,  to  say  I  'd  give  a  pound 
To  find  that  littk-  vulgar  Boy,  who'd  gone  and  used  me  so; 
But  when  the  Crier  cried,  *'  0  Yes !"  the  people  cried,  "  0  No  !'' 

I  went  to  "  Jarvis'  Landing-place,"  the  glory  of  the  town, 
There  was  a  common  sailor-man  a-walking  up  and  down, 
I  told  my  tale  —  he  seem'd  to  think  I  'd  not  been  treated  well, 
And  call'd  me  "Poor  old  Buffer!"  —  what  that  means  I  cannot 
tell. 

That  Sailor-man,  he  said  he'd  seen  that  morning  on  the  shore, 
A  son  of — something — 'twas  a  name  I'd  never  heard  before, 
A  little  "  gallows-looking  chap" — dear  me ;  what  could  he  mean  ? 
With  a  "carpet-swab"  and  " mucking-togs,"  and  a  hat  turn'd 
up  with  green. 

He  spoke  about  his  "precious  eyes,"  and  said  he'd  seen  him 
"  sheer," 

—  It's  very  odd  that  Sailor-men  should  talk  so  very  queer  — 
And  then  he  hitch'd  his  trousers  up,  as  is,  I'm  told,  their  use, 

—  It's  very  odd  that  Sailor-men  should  wear  those  things  so 

loose. 

I  did  not  understand  him  well,  but  think  he  meant  to  say 
He  'd  seen  that  little  vulgar  Boy,  that  morning,  swim  away 
In  Captain  Large's  Royal  George,  about  an  hour  before, 
And  they  were  now,  as  he  suppos'd,  '^  somewheres'    about  the 
Nore. 

A  landsman  said,  "I  twig  the  chap —  he's  been  upon  the  Mill  — 
And  'cause  he  gammons  so  the^^a^*,  ve  calls  him  Veeping  Bill!" 
He  said  "he'd  done  me  werry  brown,"  and  nicely  ^^ stowed  the 
stcag,^'' 

—  That's  French,  I  fancy,  for  a  hat  —  or  else  a  carpet-bag. 

t  went  and  told  the  constable  my  property  to  track ; 

He  asked  me  if  "  I  did  not  wish  that  I  might  get  it  back?' 

12* 


138  A    LEGEND    OF    JARVIs's   JETTY. 

I  ansAver'd,  "  To  be  sure  I  do!  —  it  s  Avli.it  I'm  come  about." 
He  smil'd  and  said,  "  Sir,  does  your  iTU)thcr  know  that  you  aro 
out?" 

Not  knowing  what  to  do,  I  thought  I  'd  hasten  back  to  town, 
And  beg  our  own  Lord  Mayor  to  catch  the  boy  who'd  "done 

me  brown." 
His  Lordship  very  kindly  said  he  'd  try  and  find  him  out, 
But  he  "rather  thought  that  there  were  several  vulgar  boys 

about." 

He  sent  for  Mr.  Whithair  then,  and  I  described  "the  swag," 
My  Macintosh,  my  sugar-tongs,  my  spoons,  and  carpet-bag ; 
He  promis'd  that  the  New  Police  should  all  their  pow'rs  employ^ 
But  never  to  this  hour  have  I  beheld  that  vulgar  Boy ! 


Moral. 

Remember,  then,  what  when  a  boy  I  've  heard  my  Grandma'  tell, 
"Be  warn'd  in   time  by  others'  harm,  and  you  shall  do 

FULL  well  !" 

Don't  link  yourself  with  vulgar  folks,  who  've  got  no  fix'd  abode, 
Tell  lies,  use  naughty  words,  and  say  they  "wish  they  may  be 
blow'd!" 

Don't  take  too  much  of  double  X !  —  and  don't  at  night  go  out 
To  fetch  your  beer  yourself,  but  make  the  pot-boy  bring  your 

stout ! 
And  when  you  go  to  Margate  next,  just  stop,  and  ring  the  bell, 
Give  my  respects  to  Mrs.  Jones,  and  say  I  'm  pretty  well  I 


THE    smuggler's    LEAP.  139 

And  now  for  his  Legend,  which,  if  the  facts  took 
place  rather  beyond  "  the  memory  of  the  oldest  inhabi- 
tant," are  yet  well  known  to  have  occurred  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood "  once  on  a  time  j^'  and  the  scene  of  them  will 
be  readily  pointed  out  by  any  one  of  the  fifty  intelligeni 
fly-drivers  who  ply  upon  the  pier,  and  who  will  convey 
you  safely  to  the  spot  for  a  guerdon  which  they  term 
"three  bob." 


THE   SMUGGLER'S  LEAP. 

A   LEGEND    OF    THANET. 

"  Near  this  hamlet  (Acol)  is  a  long-disused  chalk-pit  of  formidabV.  depth, 
known  by  the  name  of  "  The  Smuggler's  leap."  The  tradition  of  the  parish 
runs,  that  a  riding-officer  from  Sandwich,  called  Anthony  Gill,  lost  his  lifo 
here  in  the  early  part  of  the  present  (last)  century,  while  in  pursuit  of  a 
smuggler.  A  fog  coming  on,  both  parties  went  over  the  precipice.  The 
smuggler's  horse  mily.  it  is  said,  was  found  crushed  beneath  its  rider.  The 
spot  has,  of  course,  been  haunted  ever  since." —  See  '■'^Supplement  to  Lewis's 
History  of  Thanet  by  the  Rev.  Samuel  Pegge,  A.  M.  Vicar  of  Gomersham."' 
W.  Bristow,  Canterbury,  1796,  p.  127. 

The  fire-flash  shines  from  Reculver  cliff, 

And  the  answering  light  burns  blue  in  the  skiflF, 

And  there  they  stand 

That  smuggling  band, 
Some  in  the  water,  and  some  on  the  sand, 
Ready  those  contraband  goods  to  land ; 
The  night  is  dark,  they  are  silent  and  still, 
—  At  the  head  of  the  party  is  Smuggler  Bill! 

"  Now  lower  away !  come,  lower  away  ! 

We  must  be  far  ere  the  dawn  of  the  day. 

Tf  Exciseman  Gill  should  get  scent  of  the  prey, 

>vnd  should  come,  and  should  catch  us  here,  what  would  ho  say  ? 


140  A    LEGEND    OF    THANET. 

Come,  lower  away,  lads  —  once  on  the  hill, 
We'll  laugh,  ho!  ho!  at  Exciseman  Gill!" 

The  cargo's  lower'd  from  the  dark  skiff's  side, 
And  the  tow-line  drags  the  tubs  through  the  tide. 

No  trick  nor  flam. 

But  your  real  Schiedam. 
"Now  mount,  my  merry  men,  mount  and  ridel" 
Three  on  the  crupper  and  one  before, 
And  the  led-horse  laden  with  five  tubs  more ; 

But  the  rich  point-lace, 

In  the  oil-skin  case 
Of  proof  to  guard  its  contents  from  ill. 
The  "prime  of  the  swag,"  is  with  Smuggler  Bill! 

Merrily  now  in  a  goodly  row, 

Away,  and  away,  those  smugglers  go, 

And  they  laugh  at  Exciseman  Gill,  ho !  ho ! 

When  out  from  the  turn 

Of  the  road  to  Heme, 
Comes  Gill,  wide  awake  to  the  whole  concern ! 
Exciseman  Gill,  in  all  his  pride, 
With  his  Custom-house  officers  all  at  his  side! 
—  They  were  call'd  Custom-house  officers  then; 
There  were  no  such  things  as  "  Preventive  men  " 

Sauve  qui  pent ! 

That  lawless  crew. 
Away,  and  away,  and  away  they  flew ! 
S  ime  dropping  one  tub,  some  dropping  two ;  — 
Some  gallop  this  way,  and  some  gallop  that. 
Through  Fordwich  Level  —  o'er  Sandwich  Flat, 
Some  fly  that  way,  and  some  fly  this. 
Like  a  covey  of  birds  when  the  sportsmen  miss, 

These  in  their  huiTy 

Make  for  Sturry, 


THE    smuggler's    LEAP.  141 

With  Custom-hou^e  officers  close  in  their  rear, 
Down  Rushbourne  Lane,  and  so  by  Westbere, 

None  of  them  stopping, 

But  shooting  and  popping, 
And  many  a  Castom-house  bullet  goes  slap 
Through  many  a  three-gallon  tub  like  a  liip ; 

And  the  gin  spirts  out, 

And  squirts  all  about, 
And  many  a  heart  grew  sad  that  day 
That  so  much  good  liquor  was  so  thrown  awny 

Saiive  qui  pent! 

That  lawless  crew, 
Away,  and  away,  and  away  ihey  flew ! 
Some  seek  Whitstable  —  some  Grove  Ferry, 
Spurring  and  whipping  like  madmen  —  very  — 
For  the  life !  for  the  life  !  they  ride  !  they  ride .' 
And  the  Custom-house  officers  all  divide. 
And  they  gallop  on  after  them  far  and  wide ! 
All,  all,  save  one  —  Exciseman  Gill,  — 
He  sticks  to  the  skirts  of  Smuggler  Bill ! 

Smiiggler  Bill  is  six  feet  high, 

He  has  curling  locks,  and  a  roving  eye, 

He  has  a  tongue,  and  he  has  a  smile 

Train'd  the  female  heart  to  beguile. 

And  there  is  not  a  farmer's  wife  in  the  Isle, 

From  St.  Nicholas  ouite 

To  the  Foreland  Light, 
But  that  eye,  and  that  tongue,  and  that  smile  will  wheedle  her 
To  have  done  with  the  Grocer,  and  make  him  her  Tea-dealer; 
There  is  not  a  fai*mer  there  but  he  still 
Buys  gin  and  tobacco  from  Smuggler  Bill. 

Smuggler  Bill  rides  gallant  and  gay 
On  his  dapple-grey  mare,  away,  and  away, 
And  he  pats  her  neck,  and  he  seems  to  say, 
«*  Follow  wlio  will,  ride  after  who  may, 


142  A    LEGEND    OF    TIIANET. 

In  sooth  he  had  need 

Fodder  his  steed, 
In  lieu  of  Lent-corn,  with  a  Quicksilver  feed ; 
—  Nor  oats,  nor  beans,  nor  the  best  of  old  hay. 
Will  make  him  a  match  for  my  own  dapple-grey  I 
Ho!  ho! — ho!  ho!"  says  Smuggler  Bill  — 
He  draws  out  a  flask,  and  he  sips  his  fill, 
And  he  laughs  "  Ho !  ho !"  at  Exciseman  Gill. 

Down  Chistlett  lane,  so  free  and  so  fleet 
Rides  Smuggler  Bill,  and  away  to  Up-street; 

Sarre  Bridge  is  won  — 

Bill  thinks  it  fun; 
"  Ho !  ho !  the  old  tub-gauging  son  of  a  gun  — 
His  wind  will  be  thick,  and  his  breeks  be  thin, 
Ere  a  race  like  this  he  may  hope  to  win !" 

Away,  away 

Goes  the  fleet  dapple-grey, 
Fresh  as  the  breeze,  and  free  as  the  wind, 
And  Exciseman  Gill  lags  far  behind. 

^^  I  would  give  my  soul,''  quoth  Exciseman  Gill, 
"For  a  nag  that  would  catch  that  Smuggler  Bill!—- 
No  matter  for  blood,  no  matter  for  bone, 
No  matter  for  colour,  bay,  brown,  or  roan. 

So  I  had  but  one!" 

A  voice  cried  "  Done  !" 
"Ay,  dun,"  said  Exciseman  Gill,  and  he  spied 
A  Custom-house  officer  close  by  his  side. 
On  a  high-trotting  horse  with  a  dun-colour'd  hide. — 
'<  Devil  take  me,"  again  quoth  Exciseman  Gill, 
"  If  I  had  but  that  horse,  I  'd  have  Smuggler  Bill !" 

From  his  using  such  shocking  expressions,  it 's  plain 
That  Exciseman  Gill  was  rather  profane. 

He  was,  it  is  true, 

As  bad  as  a  Jew, 


THE    smuggler's    LEAP.  i43 

A  s<ad  old  scoundrel  as  ever  you  knew, 

And  he  rode  in  his  stiiTups  sixteen  stone  tAvo. 

—  He'd  just  utter'd  the  woi'ds  which  I've  mention'd  to  you, 
When  his  horse  coming  slap  on  his  knees  with  him,  threw 
Him  head  over  heels,  and  away  he  flew. 

And  Exciseman  Gill  was  bruised  black  and  blue. 

When  he  arose. 

His  hands  and  his  clothes. 
Were  as  filthy  as  could  be, — he  'd  pitch'd  on  his  nose, 
And  roll  'd  over  and  over  again  in  the  mud, 
And  his  nose  and  his  chin  were  all  cover'd  with  blood ; 
Yet  he  scream'd  with  passion,  "I'd  rather  grill 
Than  not  come  up  with  that  Smuggler  Bill !" 

—  "'Mount!  Mount!'"'  quoth  the  Custom-house  officer,  "get 
On  the  back  of  my  Dun,  you  '11  bother  him  yet. 

Your  words  are  plain,  though  they're  somewhat  rough, 
*  Done  and  Done '  between  gentlemen  's  always  enough  ! — 
I  '11  lend  you  a  lift  —  you  're  up  on  him  —  so,  — 
He 's  a  rum  one  to  look  at —  a  devil  to  go  P' 

Exciseman  Gill 

Dash'd  up  the  hill. 
And  mark'd  not,  so  eager  was  he  in  pursuit, 
The  queer  Custom-house  officer's  qiieer-looking  boot, 

Smuggler  Bill  rides  on  amain. 

He  slacks  not  girth  - —  and  he  draws  not  rein, 

Yet  the  dapple-grey  mare  bounds  on  in  vain. 

For  nearer  now  —  and  he  hears  it  plain  — 

Sounds  the  tramp  of  a  horse — "'Tis  the  Ganger  again  P 

Smuggler  Bill 

Dashes  round  by  the  mill 
That  stands  near  the  road  upon  Monkton  Hill, — 

"  Now  speed, —  now  speed, 

My  dapple-grey  steed. 
Thou  ever,  my  dapple,  wert  good  at  need ! 


144  A    LEGEND    OF    THANET. 

O'ei'  Monkton  mead,  and  through  Minster  Level 
We  '11  baffle  him  yet,  be  he  gauger  or  devil ! 

For  Manston  Cave,  away  !  away ! 

Now  speed  thee,  now  speed  thee,  my  good  dapple* 
grey! 
It  shall  never  be  said  that  Smuggler  Bill 
Was  run  down  like  a  hare  by  exciseman  GiU. !" 

Manston  Cave  was  Bill's  abode  ; 

A  mile  to  the  north  of  the  Ramsgate  road, 

(Of  late  they  say 

It's  been  taken  away. 
That  is,  levelFd,  and  ftU'd  up  with  chalk  and  clay, 
By  a  gentleman  there  of  the  name  of  Day.) 
Thither  he  urges  his  good  dapple-grey; 

And  the  dapple-grey  steed, 

Still  good  at  need. 
Though  her  chest  it  pants,  and  her  flanks  th^y  bleed. 
Dashes  along  at  the  top  of  her  speed ; 
But  nearer  and  nearer  Exciseman  Gill 
Cries  "  Tield  thee  !  now  yield  thee,  thou  Smuggler  Bill!" 

Smuggler  Bill,  he  looks  behind. 
And  he  sees  a  Dun  horse  come  swift  as  the  wind, 
And  his  nostrils  smoke,  and  his  eyes  they  blaze 
Like  a  couple  of  lamps  on  a  yellow  post-chaise ! 

Every  shoe  he  has  got 

Appears  red-hot! 
And  sparks  round  his  ears  snap,  crackle,  and  play, 
And  his  tail  cocks  up  in  a  very  odd  way, 
Every  hair  in  his  mane  seems  a  porcupine's  quill, 
And  there  on  his  back  sits  Exciseman  Gill, 
Crying  ^' Yield  thee!  now  yield  thee,  thou  Smuggler  Bill!'* 

Smuggler  Bill  from  his  holster  drew 

A  large  horse-pistol,  of  which  he  had  two. 


THE    smuggler's   LEAP.  145 

Made  by  Nock ; 

Ho  puU'd  b.ack  tlie  cock 
4.S  fai  as  he  could  to  the  back  of  the  lock ; 
The  trigger  he  touch'd,  and  the  welkin  rang 
To  the  sound  of  the  weapon,  it  made  such  a  bang ; 
Smuggler  Bill  ne'er  miss'd  his  aim, 
The  shot  told  true  on  the  Dun  —  but  there  came 
From  the  hole  where  it  enter'd, —  not  blood, — but  flame  i 

—  He  onangea  nis  plan, 

And  fired  at  the  man ; 
But  his  second  horse-pistol  flash'd  in  the  pan! 
And  Exciseman  Gill  with  a  hearty  good  will, 


The  dapple-grey  mare  made  a  desperate  bound 
When  that  queer  Dun  horse  on  her  flank  she  found. 
Alack  I  and  alas  !  on  what  dangerous  ground ! 
It 's  enough  to  make  one's  flesh  to  creep 
To  stand  on  that  fearful  verge,  and  peep 
Down  the  rugged  sides  so  dreadfully  steep. 
Where  the  chalk-hole  yawns  full  sixty-feet  deep, 
O'er  which  that  steed  took  that  desperate  leap ! 
It  was  so  dark  then  under  the  trees. 
No  horse  in  the  world  could  tell  chalk  from  cheese— 
Down  they  went  —  o'er  that  terrible  fall, — 
Horses,  Exciseman,  Smuggler,  and  all ! ! 

Below  were  found 

Next  day  on  the  ground 
By  an  elderly  Gentleman  walking  his  round. 
(I  wouldn't  have  seen  such  a  sight  for  a  pound.) 
All  smash'd  and  dash'd,  three  mangled  corses, 
Two  of  them  human, —  the  third  was  a  horse's, — 
That  good  dapple-grey,  and  Exciseman  GiU 
Tet  grasping  the  collar  of  Smuggler  Bill ! 
13 


146  A   LEGEND   OF   THANET. 

But  where  was  the  Dun?  that  terrible  Dun?  — 
From  that  terrible  night  he  was  seen  by  none !  — 
There  are,  some  people  think,  though  I  am  not  one, 
That  part  of  the  story  all  nonsense  and  fun, 

But  the  country-folks  there. 

One  and  all  declare, 
When  the  "  Crowner's  'Quest"  came  to  sit  on  the  pair. 
They  hear  a  loud  Horse-laugh  up  in  the  air !  — 

—  If  in  one  of  the  trips 

Of  the  steam-boat  Eclipse 
You  should  go  down  to  Margate  to  look  at  the  ships, 
Or  to  take  what  the  bathing-room  people  call  *<  Dips,'' 

You  may  hear  old  folks  talk 

Of  that  quarry  of  chalk ; 
Or  go  over  —  it's  rather  too  far  for  a  walk. 
But  a  three  shilling  drive  will  give  you  a  peep 
At  that  fearful  chalk-pit  —  so  awfully  deep, 
Which  is^eall'd  to  this  moment  "The  Smuggler's  Leap!" 
Nay  more,  I  am  told,  on  a  moonshiny  night, 
If  you're  "plucky,"  and  not  over-subject  to  fright 
And  go  and  look  over  that  chalk-pit  white. 

You  may  see,  if  you  will. 

The  Ghost  of  old  Gill 
Grappling  the  Ghost  of  Smuggler  Bill, 
And  the  Ghost  of  the  dapple-grey  lying  between  'em. — 
I'm  told  so  —  I  can't  say  I  know  one  who's  seen  'em I 

Moral. 

And  now,  gentle  Reader,  one  word  ere  we  part. 
Just  take  a  friend's  counsel,  and  lay  it  to  heart. 
Imprimis,  don't  smuggle !  —  if,  bent  to  please  Beauty, 
You  must  buy  French  lace,  — purchase  what  has  paid  duty) 
Don't  use  naughty  words,  in  the  next  place,  —  and  ne'er  in 
Your  language  adopt  a  bad  habit  of  swearing! 


BLOUDIE   JACKE   OF   SHREWSBERRIE.  147 

Never  say  "  Devil  take  me  !" — 

Or,  *'  shake  me !"  —  or  "  bake  me  " 
Or  sucli-like  expressions. —  Remember  Old  Nick 
To  take  folks  at  their  word  is  remarkably  quick. 

Another  sound  maxim  I'd  wish  you  to  keep, 

Is,  "  Mind  what  you  are  after,  and  —  Look  ere  you  Leap  !" 

Above  all,  to  my  last  gravest  caution  attend  — 

Never  boreow  a  horse  you  don't  know  of  a  friend  ! ! ! 


For  the  story  which  succeeds  I  am  indebted  to  Mrs. 
Botherby.  She  is  a  Shropshire  Lady  by  birth,  and  I 
overheard  her,  a  few  weeks  since,  in  the  nursery  chaunt- 
ing  the  following,  one  of  the  Legends  peculiar  to  her 
native  County,  for  the  amusement  and  information  of 
Seaforth's  little  boy,  who  was  indeed  ''  all  ears."  As 
Kalph  de  Diceto,  who  alludes  to  the  main  facts,  was 
Dean  of  St,  Paul's  in  1183,  about  the  time  that  the 
Temple  Church  was  consecrated,  the  history  is  evidently 
as  ancient  as  it  is  authentic,  though  the  author  of  the 
present  paraphrase  has  introduced  many  unauthorised,  as 
well  as  "  anachronismatical  interpolations." — For  the 
interesting  note  on  the  ancient  family  of  Ketch,  I  need 
scarcely  say,  I  am  obliged  to  the  Simpkinson. 


A    LEGEND    OF    "THE    PROUD    SALOPIANS.'' 
THE  SHROPSHIRE  BLUEBEARD. 

Hisoe  fev6  tempnribus.  in  agro  SalopiensJ,  Quidam,  cui  nomen  Johannes, 
2c  SfinflUlUrit  deinde  nuncnpatus,  uxores  quamplurimas  ducit,  enecat 
ct  (ita  rcferunt)  manducat;  ossa  solilm  cani  mirse  magnitudinis  relinquens. 
Tiini  dcnifim  in  flagrante  delicto,  vel  "  manu  rubra,"  ut  dicunt  Jurisconsulti, 
dojrensiis,  carnifice  vix  oppriinitur. — IIadulpHUS  de  Dickto. 

Oil !  why  doth  thine  eye  gleam  so  bright, 

Oh  !  why  doth  thine  eye  gleam  so  bright  ? — 

The  Mother  's  at  home, 

The  Maid  may  not  roam, 
She  never  will  meet  thee  to-night ! 

By  the  light 
Of  the  moon  —  It 's  impossible  —  quite  ! 

Yet  thine  eye  is  still  brilliant  and  bright, 

BloutJic  Jacltc! 
It  gleams  with  a  fiendish  delight  — 
'"Tis  done  — 
She  is  won! 
Nothing  under  the  sun 
Can  loose  the  charm'd  ring,  though  it's  slight  I 

Ho!  ho! 
It  fits  so  remarkably  tight !" — 
The  wire  is  as  thin  as  a  thread, 

aSlouUfe  Jacfee! 
The  wire  is  as  thin  as  a  thread  ! — 

(148) 


BLOUDIE  JACKE  OP  SHREWSBERRIE.         149 

"Though  slight  be  the  chain, 

Again  might  and  main 
Cannot  rend  it  in  twain —  She  is  wed! 

She  is  wed! 
She.  is  mine,  be  she  living  or  dead ! 

Haw !  haw  ! !  - 

Nay,  laugh  not,  I  pray  thee,  so  loud, 

3UlouTrfe  SJacfee! 
Oh !  laugh  not  so  loud  and  so  clear ! 

Though  sweet  is  thy  smile 

The  heart  to  beguile, 
Yot  thy  laugh  is  quite  shocking  to  hear, 

0  dear! 
[t  makes  the  blood  curdle  with  fear ! 

The  Maiden  is  gone  by  the  glen, 

3Sloutrfe  Jacfec! 
She  is  gone  by  the  glen  and  the  wood  — 
It 's  a  very  odd  thing 
She  should  wear  such  a  ring, 
Wliile  her  tresses  are  bound  with  a  snood. 

By  the  rood ! 
It 's  a  thing  that 's  not  well  understood  ! 

The  Maiden  is  stately  and  tall, 

SSloutife  Sacfte! 
And  stately  she  walks  in  her  pride ; 
But  the  Young  Mary-Anne 
Runs  as  fast  as  she  can, 
To  o'ertake  her,  and  walk  by  her  side : 

Though  she  chi;le  — 
She  deems  not  her  sister  a  bride ! 
But  the  Maiden  is  gone  by  the  glen, 

13* 


150  A    LEGEND    OF    SHROPSHIRE. 

Mary-xiune  slie  is  gone  by  tlie  lea ; 

She  o'ertakes  not  lier  sister, 
It's  clear  she  has  miss'd  her, 
And  cannot  think  where  she  can  be ! 

Dear  mei 
"  Ho !  ho  !  — We  shall  see !  Ave  shall  see  I" 

Mary-Anne  is  gone  over  the  lea, 

Mary-Anne  she  is  come  to  the  Tower ; 

But  it  makes  her  heart  quail. 

For  it  looks  like  a  jail, 
A  deal  more  than  a  fair  Lady's  bower. 

So  sour 
Its  ugly  grey  walls  seem  to  lour, 

For  the  Barbican's  massy  and  high, 

asioiitife  Sacfeel 
And  the  oak-door  is  heavy  and  brown, 
And  with  iron  it's  plated 
And  machecollated, 
To  pour  boiling  oil  and  lead  down ; 

How  you  'd  frown 
Should  a  ladle-full  fall  on  your  crown ! 

The  rock  that  it  stands  on  is  steep, 

To  gain  it  one 's  forced  for  to  creep ; 
The  Portcullis  is  strong, 
And  the  Drawbridge  is  long. 

And  the  water  runs  all  round  the  Keep ; 

At  a  peep 

You  can  see  that  the  Moat's  very  deep! 

The  drawbridge  is  long,  but  it 's  doAvn, 

aSlouTire  Sacftcl 
A.nd  the  Portcul  is  hangs  in  the  air; 


BLOUDIE   JACKE    OF    SHREWSBERRIE.  151 

And  no  Warder  is  near 

With  his  horn  and  his  spear, 
To  give  notice  when  people  come  tliere. — 

I  dechxrc 
Mary-Annfc  has  run  into  the  Square ! 

The  oak-door  is  heavy  and  brown, 

aSloutiie  Jacfee! 
But  the  oak-door  is  standing  ajar, 
And  no  one  is  there 
To  say,  "  Pray  take  a  chair, 
You  seem  tired,  Miss,  with  running  so  far — 

So  you  are  — 
With  grown  people  you  're  scarce  on  a  par  I" 

But  the  young  Mary-Anne  is  not  tired, 

mautih  Sadtcl 
She  roams  o'er  your  Tower  by  herself; 
She  runs  through,  very  soon, 
Each  boudoir  and  saloon, 
And  examines  each  closet  and  shelf, 

Youi  pelf, 
AU  your  plate,  and  your  china  —  and  delf. 

She  looks  at  your  Arras  so  fine, 

aSlouDfc  Jacfec! 
So  rich,  all  description  it  mocks ; 

And  she  now  and  then  pauses 
To  gaze  at  your  vases, 
Your  pictures,  and  or-mobi  clocks ; 

Every  box, 
Every  cupboard,  and  drawer  she  unlocks. 

She  looks  at  the  paintings  so  rare, 

aSloutiie  Sacfeel 
That  adorn  every  wall  in  your  house ; 

Your  impayahle  pieces, 

Your  Paul  Veroneses, 


152  A    LEGEND   OP    SHROPSHIRE. 

Your  RemLrandts,  your  Guides,  and  Dows, 

Morland's  Cows, 
Claude's  Landscapes, — and  Landseer's  Bow-wows. 

She  looks  at  your  Statues  so  fine, 

aSloutilc  Jic'-tc : 
And  mighty  great  notice  she  takes 
Of  your  Niohe  crying, 
Your  Mirmillo  dying, 
Youi-  Hercules  strangling  the  snakes, — 

How  he  shakes 
The  nasty  great  things  as  he  wakes ! 

Your  Laocoon,  his  serpents  and  boys, 

aSloutifc  Jactie! 
She  views  with  some  httle  dismay ; 
A  copy  of  that  I  can 
See  in  the  Vatican, 
Unless  the  Pope 's  sent  it  away, 

As  they  say, 
In  the  Globe,  he  intended  last  May.* 

There  's  yom-  Belvidere  Phoebus,  with  which, 

Bloutire  Sncfee! 
Mr.  Milman  says  none  other  vies. 
(His  lines  on  Apollc 
Beat  all  the  rest  hollow, 
And  gain'd  him  the  Newdigate  prize.) 

How  the  eyes 

There 's  a  room  full  of  satins  and  silks. 
There 's  a  room  full  of  velvets  and  lace, 

*"The  Pope  is  said  — this  fact  is  hardly  credible— to  have  sold  the 
LaoiioUn  and  the  Apollo  Belvidere  to  the  Emperor  of  llussia  for  nine  million 
■)f  francs  *' —  Globe  and  Traveller. 


BLOUDIE    JACKE   OF   SHREWSBERRIE. 

There  are  drawers  full  of  rings, 

And  a  thousand  fine  things,. 
And  a  splendid  gold  watch  with  a  case 

O'er  its  face, 
Is  in  every  room  in  the  place. 

There  are  forty  fine  rooms  on  a  floor, 

asioutiie  SJacfeei 
And  every  room  fit  for  a  Ball, 

It's  so  gorgeous  and  rich, 
With  so  lofty  a  pitch. 
And  so  long,  and  so  broad,  and  so  tall ; 

Yes,  all, 
Save  the  last  one  —  and  that's  very  small! 
It  boasts  not  stool,  table,  or  chair, 

Bloutife  Jacfte! 
But  one  Cabinet,  costly  and  grand, 

Which  has  little  gold  figures 
Of  httle  gold  Niggers, 
With  fishing-rods  stuck  in  each  hand.  — 

It's  japann'd, 
And  it's  placed  on  a  splendid  buhl  stand. 

Its  hinges  and  clasps  are  of  gold, 

3Sloutife  Slacfee! 
And  of  gold  are  its  key-hole  and  key, 
And  the  drawers  within 
Have  each' a  gold  pin, 
And  they're  number'd  with  1,  2,  and  3, 

You  may  set 
All  the  figures  in  gold  filigree ! 

Number  1  's  full  of  emeralds  green, 

33lou"Dfe  JJacfec! 
Number  2's  full  of  diamond  and  pearl ; 

But  wliat  does  she  see 

In  drawer  Number  3 


153 


154  A    LEGEND    OF    SHROPSHIRE. 

That  makes  all  her  senses  to  whirl, 

Poor  Girl? 
And  each  lock  of  her  hair  to  uncurl  ?  — 

Wedding  fingers  are  sweet  pretty  things, 

Mouliit  %utt  ^ 
To  salute  them  one  eagerly  strives, 

When  one  kneels  to  "propose" — 
It's  another  qvelque  chose 
When  cut  off  at  the  knuckles  with  knives, 

From  our  wives 
They  are  tied  up  in  bunches  of  fives. 

Yet  there  they  lie,  one,  two,  three,  four ! 

33loutrie  Sacfee ! 
There  lie  they,  five,  six,  seven,  eight ! 
And  by  them,  in  rows, 
Lie  eight  little  Great-Toes, 
To  match  in  size,  colour,  and  weight ! 

From  their  state, 
It  would  seem  they'd  been  sever'd  of  late. 

Beside  them  are  eight  Wedding-rings, 

asioutife  Jacfee! 
And  the  gold  is  as  thin  as  a  thread  — 
*'  Ho !  ho !  —  She  is  mine  — 
This  will  make  up  the  Nine!" — 
Dear  me !  who  those  shocking  words  said  ?  — 

—  She  fled 
To  hide  herself  under  the  bed. 

But,  alas !  there's  no  bed  in  the  room, 

And  she  peeps  from  the  window  on  high ; 
Only  fancy  her  fright 
And  the  terrible  sight 


BLOUDIE    JACKE   OF    SHEWSBERRIE.  155 

Down  below,  which  at  once  meets  her  eye! 

"Oh  My!!" 
She  half  utter'd,  —  but  stifled  her  cry. 

For  she  saw  it  was  Yon  and  your  Man, 

aSloiiTjfe  Saclte! 
And  she  heard  your  unpleasant  "Haw!  haw!" 
While  her  sister,  stone  dead, 
By  the  hair  of  her  head. 
O'er  the  bridge  you  were  trying  to  draw. 

As  she  saw  — 
A  thing  quite  contra-ry  to  law! 

Your  man  has  got  hold  of  her  heels, 

33loul)fe  Sacfeel 
JSloutife  3'ictte  !  you  've  got  hold  of  her  hair ! — 
But  nor  ^RCkt  nor  his  Man 
Can  see  young  Mary-Anne, 
She  has  hid  herself  under  the  stair, 

And  there 
Is  a  horrid  great  Dog,  I  declare ! 

His  eyeballs  are  bloodshot  and  blear, 

movLtjh  Snctte! 
He 's  a  sad  ugly  cur  for  a  pet ; 

He  seems  of  the  breed 
Of  that  "  Billy,"  indeed, 
Who  used  to  kill  rats  for  a  bet ; 

— I  forget 
How  many  one  morning  he  ate. 

He  has  skulls,  ribs,  and  vertebrae  there, 

asioutjfr  .facltel 

And  thigh-bones; — and,  though  it's  .so  dim 
Yet  it's  plain  to  be  seen 
He  has  pick'd  them  quite  clean, — 


156  A   LEGEND   OF   SHROPSHIRE. 

She  expects  to  be  torn  limb  from  limb, 

So  gri/n 
lie  looks  at  her  —  and  she  looks  at  him  ! 

She  has  given  him  a  bun  and  a  roll, 

Moutife  Snc-kel 
She  has  given  him  a  roll  and  a  bun, 
And  a  Shrewsbury  cake. 
Of  ^Oaflfn's  *  own  make, 
Which  she  happen'd  to  take  ere  her  run 

She  begun — 
She  'd  been  used  to  a  luncheon  at  One. 

It*8  a  "  pretty  particular  Fix," 

MoutJfe  Sacfec! 
— Above, — there  's  the  Maiden  that 's  dead  ; 
Below  —  growling  at  her  — 
There's  that  Cannibal  Cur, 
Who  at  present  is  munching  her  bread 

Instead 
Of  her  leg, —  or  her  arm, —  or  her  head. 

It's  "  a  pretty  particular  Fix," 

aSloiitife  Sacfeel 
She  is  caught  like  a  mouse  in  a  trap  ; 

Stay  ! — there 's  something,  I  think, 
That  has  slipp'd  through  a  chink, 
And  fall'n,  by  a  singular  hap, 

Slap, 
Into  poor  little  Mary- Anne's  lap  ! 

It  's  a  very  fine  little  gold  ring, 

Bloutrfe  Sac3Je! 

*  oil,  Pailin  !  Prince  of  cake-compiuuders!  the  mouth  liquefies  at  thy  very 
name  —but  there' 


BLOUDIE    JACKE    OF    SHREWSBERRIE.  157 

Yet,  though  slight,  i;'s  remarkably  stout. 

But  it's  made  a  sad  stain, 

Which  will  always  remain 
On  her  frock — for  Blood  will  not  wash  out; 

1  doubt 
Salts  of  Lemon  won't  bring  it  about ! 

She  has  grasp'd  that  gold  ring  in  her  hand, 

aSloutife  Jacltc! 
In  an  instant  she  stands  on  the  floor, 
She  makes  but  one  bound 
O'er  the  back  of  the  hound, 
And  a  hop,  skip,  and  jump  to  the  door, 

And  she's  o'er 
The  drawbridge  she  'd  traversed  before ! 

Her  hair's  floating  loose  in  the  breeze, 

Bluutife  JacUc! 
For  gone  is  her  "bonnet  of  blue." 

—  Now  the  Barbican 's  past!  — 
Her  legs  "go  it"  as  fast 
As  two  drumsticks  a-beating  tattoo, 

As  they  do 
At  R^veillie,  Parade,  or  Review ! 

She  has  run  into  Shrewsbury  town, 

asioutjfe  Jacfee! 
She  has  called  out  the  Beadle  and  May'r, 
And  the  Justice  of  Peace, 
And  the  Rural  Police, 
Till  "Battle  Field"  swarms  like  a  Fair, — 

And  see  tlicx-e  ! — 
P"en  the  Parson's  beginning  to  swear! ! 

There 's  a  pretty  to-do  in  yovir  Tower, 

asloiitJie  Sacfec! 
In  your  Tower  there 's  a  pretty  to-do ! 

All  the  people  of  Shrewsbury 
Playing  old  gooseberry 
14 


158  A   LEGEND   OF   SHROPSHIRE. 

With  your  choice  bits  of  taste  and  vertH  ; 

Each  bijou 
Is  upset  in  their  search  after  you ! 

They  are  playing  the  deuce  with  your  things, 

aSloutJtc  Sacfec! 
There 's  your  Cupid  is  broken  in  two, 
And  so  too,  between  us,  is 
Each  of  your  Venuses, 
The  •*  Antique"  ones  you  bought  of  the  Jew, 

And  the  new 
One,  George  Robbins  swears  came  from  St.  Cloud. 


The  Callipyge  's  injured  behind, 

The  De  Medici  's  injured  before ! 
And  the  Anadyomenb 
's  injured  in  so  many 

Places,  I  think  there 's  a  score, 

Of  her  fingers  and  toes  on  the  floor. 


aSlouTire  SJacfee 


If  not  more 


They  are  hunting  you  up  stairs  and  down, 

aSloutife  Jacfee! 
Every  person  to  pass  is  forbid. 

While  they  turn  out  the  closets 
And  all  their  deposits  — 
''There's  the  dust-hole  — come  lift  up  the  lid!"  — 

So  they  did  — 
But  they  could  not  find  where  you  were  hid! 
Ah !  Ah  !  —  they  will  have  you  at  last, 

Moutifc  Sftcfte 
The  chimneys  to  search  they  begin ;  — 

They  have  found  you  at  last!  — 

There  you  are,  sticking  fast. 
With  your  knees  doubled  up  to  your  chin, 

Though  you're  thin/ 
—  Dear  me !  what  a  mess  you  ai-e  in !  — 


BLOUDIE    J  ACRE   OF   SHREWSBERRIE.  159 

What  a  terrible  pickle  you  're  in, 

MouUfe  Sacfec ! 
Why,  your  face  is  as  black  as  your  hat  I 
Your  fine  Holland  shirt 
Is  all  over  dirt! 
And  so  is  your  point-lace  cravat! 

What  a  Flat, 
To  seek  such  an  asylum  as  that ! 

They  can  scarcely  help  laughing,  I  vow, 

MouXrfe  SJasfee! 
In  the  midst  of  their  turmoil  and  strife ; 
You  're  not  fit  to  be  seen ! 
—  You  look  like  Mr.  Kean 
In  the  play  where  he  murders  his  wife  I  — 

On  my  life 
You  ought  to  be  scraped  with  a  knife ! 

They  have  pull'd  you  down  flat  on  your  back ! 

moutih  J.icfec! 
They  have  pull'd  you  down  flat  on  your  back ! 
And  they  smack,  and  they  thwack. 
Till  your  "funny  bones"  crack, 
As  if  you  were  stretch'd  on  the  rack, 

At  each  thwack!  — 
Good  lack !  what  a  savage  attack ! 

They  call  for  the  Parliament  Man, 

aSloutrfe  %icUl 
And  the  Hangman,  the  matter  to  clinch, 

And  they  call  for  the  Judge, 

But  others  cry  "Fudge!  — 
Don't  budge  Mr.  Calcraft,^  an  inch! 

*  Jelian  de  Ketch«  acted  as  Provost  Marshal  to  tbe  army  of  William  tli«> 
Conqueror,  and  received  from  that  monarch  a  grant  of  the  dignity  of 
Hereditary  Grand  Functionary  of  England,  together  with  a  "croft  or  parcel 
of  land,"  known  by  the  name  of  the   ©Itl  JSaHie,  co.  Middx.,  to  be  held  by 


160  A   LEGEND   OF   SUROPSIIIRE. 

Mr.  Lynch  1  * 
Will  do  very  well  at  a  pinch !" 
It  is  useless  to  scuffle  and  cuff, 

Moutiie  Jaclir' 


It  is  useless  to  struggle  and  bite 


And  to  kick  and  to  scratdi 

You  have  met  with  your  match, 
And  the  Shrewsbury  Boys  hold  you  light. 

Despite 
Your  determined  attempts  "  to  show  fight." 

They  are  pulling  you  all  sorts  of  ways, 

Moulife  3Jacfec! 
They  are  twisting  your  right  leg  Nor-west, 
And  your  left  leg  due  South, 
And  your  knee  's  in  your  mouth. 
And  your  head  is  poked  down  on  your  breast. 

And  it's  prest, 
I  protest,  almost  into  your  chest ! 

They  have  pull'd  off  your  arms  and  your  legs, 

Monti fc  .Unette! 
As  the  naughty  boys  serve  the  blue  flies : 

him,  and  the  heirs  general  of  his  body,  in  Grand  Serjeanty,  by  the  yearly 
presentation  of  "  ane  honipcn  cravatte."  After  remaining  for  several 
generations  in  the  same  name,  the  office  passed,  by  marriage  of  the  heiress, 
into  the  ancient  family  of  the  Kirhys,  and  thence  again  to  that  of  Callcraft 
(1st  Eliz.  1558).  — Abhorson  Callcraft  Esq.  of  Saffron  Hill,  co.  Middx.  the 
present  representative  of  the  Ketches,  exercised  his  'function,"  on  a  very 
recent  occasion,  and  claimed  and  was  allowed  the  fee  of  ISJ/^fZ  under  the 
ancient  grant  as  ?t}auaman's  21?afleS, 

AniNis.  —  1st  and  4th,  Quarterly,  Argent  and  Sable;  in  the  first  quarter  a 
fiibbet  of  the  second,  noosed  proper,  Callcraft.  2nd.  Sable,  three  Nightcaps 
Argent,  tutted  Gules,  2  and  1,  Ketche.    3rd.  Or,  a  Nosegay /f??/ra«/,  Kirhy. 

SUPPORTKRS.  —  Dcsrter:  A  Sheriff  in  his  pride,  robed  Gules,  chained  and 
collared  Or.  —  S i' raster :  An  Ordinary  displayed  proper,  wigged  and  banded 
Argent,  nosed  Gules. 

iMoTTO.  —  Sic  itur  ad  a.stra  ! 

*  The  American  Justinian,  Compiler  of  the  "Yankee  Pandects." 


BLOUDTE   JACKE   OF   SHREWSBERRIE.  161 

And  tliey  've  torn  from  their  sockets, 

And  put  in  their  pockets 
Your  fingers  and  thumbs  for  a  prize ! 

And  your  eyes 
A  Doctor  has  bottled  —  from  Guy's.* 

Your  trunk,  thus  dismember'd  and  torn, 

iSloutifc  Jacfee' 
They  hew,  and  they  hack,  and  they  chop ; 
And,  to  finish  the  whole. 
They  stick  up  a  pole 
In  the  place  that 's  still  call'd  the  "  2i2^])ItJe  €"0|)4)e," 

And  they  pop 
Your  grim  gory  head  on  the  top  ! 

They  have  buried  the  fingers  and  toes, 

asioutife  Jncfee! 
Of  the  victims  so  lately  your  prey. 

From  those  fingers  and  eight  toes 
Sprang'  early  potatoes, 
**  HatJfes'  jfiriQtXS  "  they're  call'd  to  this  day; 

—  So  they  say,— 
And  you  usually  dig  them  in  INIay. 

What  became  of  the  dear  little  girl  ? 

Moutife  Jc-rcfeel 
What  became  of  the  young  Mary- Anne  ? 
Why,  I  'm  sadly  afraid 
That  she  died  an  Old  Maid, 
For  she  fancied  that  every  young  man 

Had  a  plan 
To  trepan  her  like  "  poor  Sister  Fan  !" 

So  they  say  she  is  now  leading  apes, 

asioiitife  Jacfee! 

*  A  similar  appropriation  is  said  to  have  been  made,  by  an  eminent  practf 
tioiier,  of  tlio.'e  of  the  late  Monsieur  CouiToider. 
14* 


162  A    LELtEND    OF    SHROPSHIRE. 

And  mends  Bachelors'  small-clothes  bolow  ; 

The  story  is  old, 

And  has  often  been  told, 
But  I  cannot  believe  it  is  so  — 

No!  Nol 
Depend  on 't  the  tale  is  **  No  Go !" 

Moral. 

.And  now  for  the  moral  I  'd  fain, 

aSlou^fe  Jnctte! 
That  young  Ladies  should  draw  from  my  pen, — 
It's  —  " Don't  take  these  flights 
Upon  moon-shiny  nights, 
With  gay,  harum-scarum  young  men, 

Down  a  glen! — 
You  really  can't  trust  one  in  ten!" 

Let  them  think  of  your  terrible  Tower, 

aSloiiTife  Jactte! 
And  don't  let  them  liberties  take, 

Whether  Maidens  or  Spouses, 
In  Bachelors'  houses ; 
Or,  some  time  or  another,  they  '11  make 

A  Mistake'' 
And  lose  —  more  than  a  SJtctostjerrie  Cafee ! ! 


THE    BABES    IN    THE    WOOD. 


163 


Her  niece,  of  whom  I  have  before  made  honourable 
mention,  is  not  a  whit  behind  Mrs.  Bothergj  in  furnish- 
ing entertainment  for  the  young  folks.  If  little  Charles 
has  the  aunt  to  sol  fa  him  to  slumber.  Miss  Jenny  is 
equally  fortunate  in  the  possession  of  a  Sappho  of  her 
own.  It  is  to  the  air  of  "  Drops  of  Brandy  '^  that  Patty 
has  adapted  her  version  of  a  venerable  ditty,  which  we 
have  all  listened  to  with  respect  and  affection  under  its 
old  title  of 


THE   BABES  IN  THE   WOOD; 

OR, 

THE  NORFOLK  TRAGEDY. 

AN    OLD    SONG   TO   A   NEW   TUNE. 

When  we  were  all  little  and  good,  — ■ 

A  long  thne  ago  I'm  afraid,  Miss  — 
"We  were  told  of  the  Babes  in  the  Wood 

By  their  false,  cruel  Uucle  betray'd,  Miss ; 
Their  Pa  was  a  Squire,  or  a  Knight, 

In  Norfolk  I  think  his  estate  lay  — 
That  is,  if  I  recollect  right. 

For  I've  not  read  the  history  lately.* 

Rum  a,  &c. 

Their  Pa  and  their  Ma  being  seized 

With  a  tiresome  complaint,  which,  in  some  seasons, 
People  are  apt  to  be  seized 

With,  who  're  not  on  their  guard  against  plum-season-<, 

*  See  Bloomfield's  History  of  the  County  of  Norfolk,  in  which  all  the  pap 
ticulars  of  this  lamontahle  history  are  (or  ought  to  be)  fully  detailed,  together 
-.rith  the  names  of  the  parties,  and  an  plab'ir<»*<'  t>pdigrce  of  the  family. 


164 


A    LEGEND    OF    NORFOLK. 

Their  medical  man  shook  his  head 

As  he  oould  not  get  well  to  the  ro-ot  of  it ; 

And  the  Babes  stood  on  each  side  the  bed, 
While  their  Uncle,  he  stood  at  the  foot  of  it. 

*'0h,  Brother!"  their  Ma  whisper'd,  faint 

And  low,  for  breath  seeming  to  labour,  "Who'd 
Think  that  this  horrid  complaint, 

That's  been  going  about  in  the  neighbourhood, 
Thus  should  attack  me,  —  nay,  more, 

My  poor  husband  besides, —  and  so  fall  on  him! 
Bringing  us  so  near  to  Death's  door 

That  we  can't  avoid  making  a  call  on  him  I 

"  Now  think,  'tis  your  Sister  invokes 

Your  aid,  and  the  last  word  she  says  is, 
Be  kind  to  those  dear  little  folks 

When  our  toes  are  turn'd  up  to  the  daisies !  — 
By  the  servants  don't  let  them  be  snubb'd,  — 

—  Let  Jane  have  her  fruit  and  her  custard, — 
And  mind  Johnny's  chilblains  are  rubb'd 

Well  with  Whitehead's  best  essence  of  mustard 

"  You  know  they'll  be  pretty  well  off  in 

llespect  to  what's  called  'worldly  gear, 
For  John,  when  his  Pa 's  in  his  coffin, 

Comes  in  to  three  hundred  a-year ; 
And  Jane 's  to  have  five  hundred  pound 

On  her  marriage  paid. down,  ev'ry  penny. 
So  you  '11  own  a  worse  match  might  be  found, 

Any  day  in  the  week,  than  our  Jenny!" 

Here  the  Uncle  pretended  to  cry, 

And,  like  an  old  thorough-paced  rogue,  ho 

Put  his  handkerchief  up  to  his  eye, 
And  devoted  himself  to  old  Bogey 


THE    BABES    IN    THE    WOOD.  ""OJi 

It'  hn  did  not  make  matters  all  right, 
-And  said,  should  he  co\et  their  riches, 
He  "  wished  the  old  Gentleman  might 
Fly  away  with  him  body  and  breeches !" 

No  sooner,  however,  were  they 

Put  to  bed  with  a  spade  by  the  sexton, 
Than  he  carried  the  darlings  away 

Out  of  that  parish  into  the  next  one, 
Giving  out  he  should  take  them  to  town 

And  select  the  best  school  in  the  nation. 
That  John  might  not  grow  up  t\.  clown, 

But  receive  a  genteel  education, 

*<  Greek  and  Latin  old  twaddle  I  call !" 

Says  he,  "While  his  mind's  ductile  and  plastic. 
I  '11  place  him  at  Dotheboys  Hall 

Where  he  '11  learn  all  that 's  new  and  gymnastic. 
While  Jane,  as,  when  girls  have  the  dumps, 

Fortune-hunters,  by  scores,  to  entrap  'em  rise^ 
Shall  go  to  those  worthy  old  frumps. 

The  two  Misses  Tickler  of  Clapham  Rise  !" 

Having  thought  on  the  How  and  the  When 

To  get  rid  of  his  nephew  and  niece, 
He  sent  for  two  ill-looking  men, 

And  he  gave  them  five  guineas  a-piece. — 
Says  he,  "  Each  of  you  take  up  a  child 

On  the  crupper,  and  when  you  have  trotted 
Some  miles  through  that  wood  lone  and  wild, 

Take  your  knife  out  and  cut  its  carotid !" 

«'  Done"  and  "  done"  is  pronounced  on  each  side. 

While  the  poor  little  dears  are  delighted 
To  think  they  a-cock-horse  shall  ride. 

And  are  not  in  the  least  degree  frighted ; 


168  A    LEGEND    OF    NORFOLK. 

xney  say  their  "  Ta !  Ta !"  as  they  start, 
And  they  prattle  so  nice  on  their  journey, 

That  the  rogues  themselves  wish  to  their  heart 
They  could  finish  the  job  by  attorney. 

Nay,  one  was  so  taken  aback 

By  seeing  such  spirit  and  life  in  them, 
That  he  fairly  exclaim'd  "I  say,  Jack, 

I'm  blowed  if  I  can  put  a  knife  in  them!" — 
"Pooh!"  says  his  pal,  "you  great  dunce! 

You  've  pouch'd  the  good  gentleman's  money, 
So  out  with  your  whinger  at  once, 

And  scrag  Jane,  while  1  spitiicate  Johnny!" 

He  refused,  and  harsh  language  ensued, 

Which  ended  at  length  in  a  duel,    •    • 
When  he  that  was  mildest  in  mood 

Gave  the  truculent  rascal  his  gruel ; 
The  Babes  quake  with  hunger  and  fear, 

While  the  ruffian  his  dead  comrade.  Jack,  buries ; 
Then  he  cries,  "  Loves,  amuse  yourselves  here 

With  the  hips,  and  the  haws,  and  the  blackberries  ! 

"  I  '11  be  back  in  a  couple  of  shakes ; 

So  don't,  dears,  be  quivering  and  quaking  : 
I  'm  going  to  get  you  some  cakes. 

And  a  nice  butter'd  roll  that's  a-baking !" 
He  rode  off  with  a  tear  in  his  eye, 

Which  ran  down  his  rough  cheek,  and  wet  it. 
As  he  said  to  himself  with  a  sigh, 

"Pretty  souls  ! — don't  they  wish  they  may  get  it ! ! 

From  that  moment  the  Babes  ne'er  caught  sight 
Of  the  wretcn  who  thus  wrought  their  undoing, 

But  pass'd  all  that  day  and  that  night 
In  wandering  about  and  "boo-hoo"-ing. 


THE  BABES  IX  THE  WOOD.  107 

The  night  proved  coh],  civeary,  and  dark, 
So  that,  worn  out  witn  sighmgs  and  sobbings, 

Next  morn  they  were  tound  stiff  and  stark, 
And  stone-dead,  by  two  little  Cock-Robins. 

These  two  little  birds  it  sore  grieves 

To  see  what  so  cruel  a  dodge  I  call, — 
They  cover  the  bodies  with  leaves. 

And  interment  quite  ornithological ; 
It  might  more  expensive  have  been. 

But  I  doubt,  though  I  've  not  been  to  see  'em, 
If  among  those  in  all  Keusal  Green 

You  could  find  a  more  neat  Mausoleum. 

Now,  whatever  your  rogues  may  suppose, 

Conscience  always  makes  restless  their  pillows. 
And  Justice,  though  blind,  has  a  nose 

Ihat  sniffs  out  all  conceal'd  peccadilloes. 
The  wicked  old  Uncle,  they  say. 

In  spite  of  his  riot  and  revel. 
Was  hippish  and  qualmish  all  day. 

And  dreamt  all  night  long  of  the'  d — L 

He  grew  gouty,  dyspeptic,  and  sour, 

And  his  brow,  once  so  smooth  and  so  placid, 
Fresh  wrinkles  acquired  every  hour. 

And  whatever  he  swallow'd  turn'd  acid. 
The  neighbours  thought  all  was  not  right, 

Sccarely  one  with  him  ventured  to  parley, 
Ajid  Captain  Swing  came  in  the  night, 

And  burnt  all  his  beans  and  his  barley. 

There  was  hardly  a  day  but  some  fox 

Ran  away  with  his  geese  and  his  ganders  : 
His  wheat  had  the  mildew,  his  flocks 

Tooli  the  rot,  and  his  horses  the  glanders 


JCv8  A    LEGEND    OF    NORFOLK. 

His  daiighters  drank  rum  in  tbeir  tea. 
His  son,  who  had  gone  for  a  sailor. 

Went  down  in  a  steamer  at  sea, 

And  his  wife  ran  away  with  a  tailor! 

It  was  clear  he  lay  under  a  curse, 

None  would  hold  with  him  any  communion ; 

Every  day  matters  grew  worse  and  worse, 
Till  they  ended  at  length  in  The  Union ; 

While  his  man  being  caught  in  some  fact, 
(The  particular  crime  I  've  forgotten,) 

When  he  came  to  be  hang'd  for  the  act, 
Split  and  told  the  whole  story  to  Cotton. 

Understanding  the  matter  was  blown. 

His  employer  became  apprehensive 
Of  what,  when  'twas  more  fully  known. 

Might  ensue  —  he  grew  thoughtful  and  pensivo 
He  purchased  some  sugar-of-lead. 

Took  it  home,  popp'd  it  into  his  porridge. 
Ate  it  up,  and  then  took  to  his  bed, 

And  so  died  in  tlie  workhouse  at  Norwich. 


Moral. 

Ponder  well  now,  dear  Parents,  eack  word 

That  I  've  wrote,  and  when  Sirius  rages 
In  the  dog-days,  don't  be  so  absurd 

As  to  blow  yourselves  out  with  Green-gages  t 
Of  stone-fi-uits  in  general  be  shy, 

And  reflect  it's  a  fact  beyond  question 
That  Grapes,  when  they  're  spelt  with  an  i, 

Promote  anything  else  but  digestion. — 


THE   BABES   IN   THE   WOOh.  169 

— When  you  set  about  making  your  will, 

Which  is  commonly  done  when  a  body  's  iU, 
Mind,  and  word  it  with  caution  and  skill, 

And  avoid,  if  you  can,  any  codicil ! 
When  once  you  've  appointed  an  heir 

To  the  fortune  you  've  made,  or  obtain'd,  ere 
You  leave  a  reversion,  beware 

Whom  you  place  in  contingent  remainder ! 

Executors,  Guardians,  and  all 

Who  have  children  to  mind,  don't  ill  treat  them, 
Nor  think  that,  because  they  are  small 

And  weak,  you  may  beat  them,  and  cheat  them  I 
Remember  that  "ill-gotten  goods 

Never  thrive;"  their  possession's  but  cursory; 
So  never  turn  out  in  the  woods 

Little  folks  you  should  keep  in  the  nursery. 

Be  sure  he  who  does  such  base  things 

Will  ne'er  stifle  Conscience's  clamour  ; 
His  "riches  will  make  themselves  wings," 

And  his  property  come  to  the  hammer  I 
Then  He,  — and  not  those  he  bereaves, 

Will  have  most  cause  for  sighings  and  sobbingfj, 
When  he  finds  himseJf  smother'd  with  leaves 

(Of  fat  catalogues)  heap'd  up  by  Bobbins! 


15 


170 


A  LEGEND  OF  SALISBURY  FIAIN. 


The  incidents  recorded  in  the  succeedinjr  Legend  A'arn 
communicated  to  a  dear  friend  of  our  family  by  the  late 
lamented  Sir  Walter  Scott.  The  names  and  localities 
have  been  scrupulously  retained,  as  she  is  ready  to  testify. 
The  proceedings  in  this  case  are,  T  believe,  recorded  in 
some  of  our  law  reports,  though  I  have  never  been  able 
to  lay  my  hand  upon  them. 


THE    DEAD    DRUMMER. 

A    LEGEND    OP    SALISBURY    PLAIN. 

On,  Salisbury  Plain  is  bleak  and  bare, — 
At  least  so  I've  heard  many  people  declare, 
For  I  fairly  confess  I  never  was  there;— 

Not  a  shrub  nor  a  tree, 

Nor  a  bush,  can  you  see ; 
No  hedges,  no  ditches,  no  gates,  no  stiles. 
Much  less  a  house,  or  a  cottage  for  miles ; — 
—  It's  a  very  sad  thing  to  be  caught  in  the  rain 
When  night's  coming  on  upon  Salisbury  Plain. 

Now,  I'd  have  you  to  know 

That  a  great  while  ago, — 
The  best  part  of  a  century,  may  be,  or  so. 
Across  this  same  plain,  so  dull  and  so  dreary, 
A  couple  of  Travellers,  way-worn  and  weary. 

Were  making  their  way; 

Their  profession,  you'd  say, 
At  a  single  glance  did  not  admit  of  a  query ; 
The  pump-handled  pig: tail,  and  whiskers  worn  then, 
Witli  scarce  an  exception,  by  seafaring  men, 
The  jacket,  —  the  loose  trousers  "  bows'd  up  together  " —  all 
Guiltless  of  braces,  as  those  of  Charles  Weatherall,  — 


THE    DEAD    DRUMMER.  171 

The  pigeon-toed  step,  and  the  rollicldng  motion, 
Bespoke  them  two  genuine  sons  of  the  Ocean, 
And  show'd  in  a  moment  their  real  char<icters, 
(The  accent  so  placed  on  this  word  by  our  Jack  Tars.) 

The  one  in  advance  was  sturdy  and  strong, 
With  arms  uncommonly  bony  and  long, 

And  his  Guernsey  shirt 

Was  all  pitch  and  dirt. 
Which  sailors  don't  think  inconvenient  or  wrong. 

He  was  very  broad-breasted. 

And  very  deep-chested ; 
His  sinewy  frame  correspond  with  the  rest  did. 
Except  as  to  height,  for  he  could  not  be  more 
At  the  most,  you  would  say,  than  some  five  feet  four, 
And  if  measured,  perhaps  had  been  found  a  thought  lower. 
Dame  Nature  in  fact,  —  whom  some  person  or  other, 
—  A  Poet, — has  call'd  a  "capricious  step-moth ei-," — 

You  saw  when  beside  him. 

Had  somehow  denied  him 
In  longitude  what  she  had  granted  in  latitude, 

A  trifling  defect 

You'd  the  sooner  detect 
From  his  having  contracted  a  stoop  in  his  attitude. 
Square-built  and  broad-shoulder'd,  good-humour'd  and  gay, 
With  his  collar  and  countenance  open  as  day. 
The  latter  — 'twas  mark'd  with  small-pox,  by  the  way,  — 
Had  a  sort  of  expression  good-will  to  bespeak  ; 
He'd  a  smile  in  his  eye,  and  a  quid  in  his  cheek! 
And,  in  short,  notwithstanding  his  failure  in  height. 
He  was  just  such  a  man  as  you'd  say,  at  first  sight. 
You  would  much  rather  dine,  or  shake  hands,  with  than  fight  1 
The  other,  his  friend  and  companion,  was  taller 
By  five  or  six  inches,  at  least,  than  the  smaller ; — 

From  his  air  and  his  mien 

It  was  plain  to  be  seen, 


172  A    LEGEND   OF    SALISBURY   PLAIN. 

That  he  was,  or  had  been, 

A  something  between 
The  real  "=  Jack  Tar"  and  the  "Jolly  Marine." 
For,  though  he  would  give  an  occasional  hitch, 
Sailor-like  to  his  "slops,"  there  was  something,  the  which. 
On  the  whole  savour'd  more  of  the  pipe-clay  than  pitch. — 
Such  were  now  the  two  men  who  appear'd  on  the  hill, 
Harry  Walters  the  tall  one,  the  short  "Spanking  Bill." 

To  be  caught  in  the  rain, 

I  repeat  it  again, 
Is  extremely  unpleasant  on  Salisbury  Plain ; 
And  when  with  a  good  soaking  shower  there  are  blended 
lilue  lightnings  and  thunder,  the  matter's  not  mended ; 

Such  was  the  case 

In  this  wild  dreary  place, 
On  the  day  that  I  'm  speaking  of  now,  when  the  brace 
Of  trav'llers  alluded  to  quicken'd  their  pace, 
Till  a  good  steady  walk  became  more  like  a  race 
To  get  quit  of  the  tempest  which  held  them  in  chase 

Louder,  and  louder 

Than  mortal  gunpowder, 
The  heav'nly  artill'ry  kept  crashing  and  roaring, 
The  lightning  kept  flashing,  the  rain  too  kept  pouring. 

While  they,  helter-skelter. 

In  vain  sought  for  shelter 
From,  what  I  have  term'd,  "  a  regular  pelter ;" 

But  the  deuce  of  a  screen 

Could  be  anywhere  seen, 
Or  an  object  except  that  on  one  of  the  rises, 

An  old  way-post  show'd 

Where  the  Lavington  road 
Branch'd  off  to  the  left  from  the  one  to  Devizes ; 
And  thither  the  footsteps  of  Waters  seem'd  tending, 
Though  a  doubt  might  exist  of  the  course  he  was  bending. 
To  a  landsman,  at  least,  who,  wherever  he  goes. 
Is  content  for  the  most  part,  to  follow  his  nose ; — 


THE    DEAD    DRUMMER.  IfS 

While  Harry  kept  "backing 

And  filling" — and  "tacking," — 
Two  nautical  terms  which,  I'll  wager  a  guinea,  are 

Meant  to  imply 

What  you,  Reader,  and  I 
Would  call  going  zig-zag,  and  not  rectilinear. 

But  here,  once  for  all,  let  me  beg  you  '11  excuse 
ill  mistakes  I  may  make  in  the  words  sailors  use 

'Mongst  themselves,  on  a  cruise. 

Or  ashore  with  the  Jews, 
;  r  in  making  their  court  to  their  Polls  and  their  Sues, 
t  r  addressing  those  slop-selling  females  afloat — women 
t  nown  in  our  navy  as  oddly  named  boat-women. 
i  ie  fact  is,  I  can't  say,  I'm  versed  in  the  school 
So  ably  conducted  by  Marryat  and  Poole; 
(See  the  last-mention'd  gentleman's  "Admiral's  Daughter;") 

The  grand  va.de  mecum 

For  all  who  to  sea  come, 
And  get,  the  first  time  in  their  lives,  in  blue  water ; 
Of  course  in  the  use  of  sea  terms  you  '11  not  wonder 
If  I  now  and  then  should  fall  into  some  blunder. 
For  which  Captain  Chamier,  or  Mr.  T.  P.  Cooke 
Would  call  me  a  "Lubber,"  and  "Son  of  a  Sea-cook." 

To  return  to  our  viuttons  —  This  mode  of  progression 
At  length  upon  Spanking  Bill  made  some  impression. 

— "  Hillo,  messmate,  what  cheer? 

How  queer  you  do  steer !" 
Cried  Bill,  whose  short  legs  kept  him  still  in  the  rear. 
"  Why  what 's  in  the  wind.  Bo  ? —  what  is  it  you  fear?" 
For  he  saw  in  a  moment  that  soijjething  was  fnghtening 
His  shipmate  much  more  than  the  thunder  and  lightning. 

— "Fear?"  stammor'd  out  Waters,  "why.  Him  I — don't  you  see 
V/hat  faces  that  Drummer-boy's  making  at  me! — 
—  How  he  dodges  me  so 
Wherever  I  go? — 
What  is  it  he  wants  with  me.  Bill, —  do  you  know  V* 
15* 


174  A    LEGEND    OF    SALISBURY    PLAIN'. 

—  "What  Drummer-boy,  Harry?"  cries  Bill  in  surpriso, 
(With  a  brief  explanation,  that  ended  in  "  eyes,") 
*'What  Drummer-boy,  Waters  ? — the  coast  is  all  clear, 
We  haven't  got  never  no  Drummer-boy  here  !" 

— *'  Why,  there ! — don't  you  see 

How  he's  following  me  ? 
Now  this  way,  now  that  way,  and  won't  let  me  be ! 

Keep  him  off.  Bill — look  here^ — 

Don't  let  him  bome  near ! 
Only  see  how  the  blood-drops  his  features  besmear ! 
What,  the  dead  come  to  life  again  ! — Bless  me ! —  Oh  deai !" 

Bill  remark'd  in  reply,  "  This  is  all  very  queer  — 
What,  a  Drummer-boy — bloody,  too  —  eh!  —  well,  I  never  — 
I  can't  see  no  Drummer-boy  here  whatsumdever !" 
"Not    see    him! — why   there; — look!  —  he's    close   by   Im- 
post— 
Hark ! — hark  ! — how  he  drums  at  me  now  !  — he's  a  Ghost !" 

**A  what?"  returned  Bill, — at  that  moment  a  flash 

More  than  commonly  awful  preceded  a  crash 

Like  what's  called  in  Kentucky  "an  Almighty  Smash."—- 

And  down  Harry  Waters  went  plump  on  his  knees, 

While  the  sound,  though  prolong'd,  died  away  by  degrees ; 

In  its  last  sinking  echoes,  however,  were  some 

Which,  Bill  could  not  help  thinking,  resembled  a  drum ! 

"Hollo!  Waters !— I  says," 

Quoth  he  in  amaze, 
<*  Why,  I  never  see'd  luiffin  in  jjll  my  born  days 

Half  so  queer 

As  this  here, 
And  I'm  not  very  clear 
But  that  one  of  ufe  two  has  good  reason  for  fear  — 
Vou  to  jaw  about  drummers,  with  nobody  near  us  !-— 
[  must  say  as  how  that  I  thinks  it's  mysterus  " 


THE    DEAD    DRUMMER.  IV 

"Oh,  mercy  ,"  roar'd  Waters,  "do  keep  liim  off,  Bill, 
And,  Andrew,  forgive ! —  I'll  confess  all ! — I  will ! 

I'll  make  a  clean  breast, 

And  as  for  the  rest, 
You  may  do  with  me  just  what  the  lawyers  think  best; 
But  haunt  me  not  thus !  —  let  these  visitings  cease, 
And  your  vengeance  accomplish'd,  Boy,  leave  me  in  peace  I" 
—  Harry  paused  for^a  moment, — then  turning  to  Bill, 
Who  stood  with  his  mouth  open,  steady  and  still. 
Began  "  spinning"  what  nauticals  term  a  "tough  yarn," 
Viz :  his  tale  of  what  Bill  call'd  "  this  precious  consarn.*' 
*  *  -Sfr  *  * 

*'  It  was  in  such  an  hour  as  this. 

On  such  a  wild  and  wintry  day, 
The  forked  lightning  seem'd  to  hiss, 

As  now,  athwart  our  lonely  way, 
When  first  these  dubious  paths  I  tried  — 
Yon  livid  form  was  by  my  side  ! — 

"Not  livid  then  —  the  ruddy  glow 

Of  life,  and  youth,  and  health  it  bore  I 
And  bloodless  was  that  gory  brow. 

And  cheerful  was  the  smile  it  wore, 
And  mildly  then  those  eyes  did  shine — 
— Those  eyes  which  now  are  blasting  mine  1 1 

"They  beam'd  with  confidence  and  .ove 

Upon  my  face, —  and  Andrew  Brand 
Had  sooner  fear'd  yon  frighten'd  dove 

Than  harm  from  Gervase  Matcham's  hand 
—  I  am  no  Harry  Waters  —  men 
Did  call  me  Gervase  Matcham  then. 

"And  Matcham,  though  a  humble  name, 

Was  stainless  as  the  feathery  flake 
From  Heaven,  whose  virgin  whiteness  came 


176  A    LEGEND   OF   SALISBUi^Y    PLAIi:. 

Cpoii  the  newly  frozen  lake  ; 
Commander,  comrade,  all  began 
To  laud  the  Soldier,— like  the  Man. 

•'Nay,  muse  not,  William,— I  have  said 
I  was  a  soldier  —  staunch  and  true 

As  any  he  above  whose  head 
Old  England's  lion  banner  flew ; 

And,  duty  done, —  her  claims  apart, — 

'Twas  said  I  had  a  kindly  heart. 

"And  years  roll'd  on,— and  with  them  came 
Promotion  —  Corporal —  Sergeant all 

In  turn  —  I  kept  mine  honest  fame — 
Our  Colonel's  self,—  whom  men  did  call 

The  veriest  Martinet — ev'n  he. 

Though  cold  to  most,  was  kind  to  me  !— 

"  One  morn  —  oh  !  may  that  morning  stand 

Accursed  in  the  rolls  of  fate 
Till  latest  time  .'—there  came  command 

To  carry  forth  a  charge  of  weight 
To  a  detachment  fiir  away, — 
— It  was  their  regimental  pay ! — 

"And  who  so  fit  for  such  a  task 
As  trusty  Matcham,  true  and  tried, 

Who  spurn'd  the  inebriating  flask. 

With  honour  for  his  constant  guide  ? 

On  Matcham  fell  their  choice  —  and  He, 

*  Young  Drum,'—  should  bear  him  company  1 

"And  grateful  was  that  sound  to  hear, 

For  ne  was  full  of  hfe  and  joy, 
The  mess-room  pet  — to  each  one  dear 

Was  that  kind,  gay,  light-hearted  boy 
—  The  veriest  churl  in  all  our  oand 
Had  aye  a  smile  for  Andrew  Brand. — 


THE    DEAD    DRUMMER. 

*'  —Nay,  glare  not  as  I  narao  thy  name! 

That  threatening  hand,  that  fearful  brow 
Relax  —  avert  that  glance  of  flame ! 

Thou  secst  I  do  thy  bidding  now ! 
Vex'd  Spirit,  rest !  —  'twill  soon  be  o'er,  — 
Thy  blood  shall  cry  to  Heav'n  no  more ! 

"Enough  —  we  journey 'd  on  —  the  walk 
Was  long,  —  and  dull  and  dark  the  day,  — 

And  still  young  Andrew's  cheerful  talk 
And  merry  laugh  beguiled  the  way; 

Noon  came  —  a  sheltering  bank  was  there,  — 

We  paused  our  frugal  meal  to  share. 

**  Then  'twas,  with  cautious  hand,  I  sought 
To  prove  my  charge  secure,  —  and  drew 

The  packet  from  my  vest,  and  brought 
The  glittering  mischief  forth  to  view. 

And  Andrew  cried,  —  No!  —  'twas  not  He!  — 

It  was  Thf  Tempter  spoke  to  me ! 

"  Bvit  it  was  Andrew's  laughing  voice 
That  sounded  in  my  tingling  ear, 

—  'Now  Gervase  Matcham,  at  thy  choice,* 
It  seem'd  to  say,  '  are  gawds  and  gear, 

And  all  that  wealth  can  buy  or  bring, 

Ease,  —  wassail,  —  worship,  —  every  thing  I 

"  'No  tedious  drill,  no  long  parade, 

No  bugle  call  at  early  dawn ; 
For  guard-room  bench,  or  baiTack  bed, 

The  downy  couch,  the  sheets  of  lawn; 
And  I  thy  Page,  —  thy  steps  to  tend. 
Thy  sworn  companion,  —  servant,  —  friend! 

—  "He  ceased  —  that  is,  I  heard  no  more 

Though  other  words  pass'd  idly  by, 
And  Andrew  chatter'd  as  before. 


177 


178  A    LEGEND    OF    SALISRURY    PLAIN. 

And  laugii'd  —  I  mark'd  liim  not  —  not  T, 
* '  Th  at  thy  choice  /'  that  sound  alone 
Rang  in  mine  eai'  —  voice  else  was  none. 

"I  could  not  eat,  —  the  untasted  flask 
Mock'd  my  parch'd  lip, — I  pass'd  it  by. 

'  What  ails  thee,  man  ?'  he  seem'd  to  ask,  — 
I  felt,  but  could  not  meet  his  eye.  — 

*'T/5  at  thy  choice  r  —  it  sounded  yet, — 

A  sound  I  never  may  forget, 

—  *' '  Hastp!  haste !  the  day  draws  on,'  I  cried, 
'And  Andrew,  thou  hast  far  to  go !' — 

*  Hast  far  to  go  /'  the  Fiend  replied 

Within  me,  —  'twas  not  Andrew  —  no! 
'Twas  Andrew's  voice  no  more  —  'twas  He 
Whose  then  I  was,  and  aye  must  be ! 

—  "  On,  on  we  went ;  —  the  dreary  plain 
Was  all  around  us — we  were  Here! 

Then  came  the  storm,  —  the  lightning,  —  rain, — 

No  earthly  living  thing  was  near, 
Save  one  wild  Raven  on  the  wing, 

—  If  that,  indeed,  were  earthly  thing ! 

"  I  heard  its  hoarse  and  screaming  voice 

High  hovering  o'er  my  frenzied  head, 
^^Tis,  Gervase  Matcham,  at  tl^j  choice! 

But  he  —  the  Boy  !'  methought  it  said. 
— Nay,  Andrew,  check  that  vengeful  frown, — 
I  loved  thee  when  I  struck  thee  down ! 

■X-  *  *  *  *  * 

"  'Twas  done  I  the  deed  that  damns  me  —  doii" 

I  know  not  how  —  I  never  knew ;  — 
And  Here  I  stood  —  but  not  alone,  — 

The  prostrate  Boy  my  madness  slew. 
Was  by  my  side  —  limb,  feature,  name, 
'Twas  He  ! !  —  another  —  yet  the  same ! 

*  *  *  *  « 


TflE    DEAD    DRUMMER.  179 

**  Away  1  away !  in  frantic  haste 

Throughout  that  live-long  night  I  flew — 
Away !  away !  — across  the  waste,  — 
I  know  not  how — I  never  knew. — • 
My  mind  was  one  wild  blank  —  and  I 
Had  but  one  thought,  —  one  hope  —  to  fly ! 

"And  still  the  lightning  plough'd  the  ground, 
The  thunder  roar'd  —  and  there  would  come 

Amidst  its  loudest  bursts  a  sound 

Familiar  once  —  it  was  —  A  DRUM !  — 

Then  came  the  morn,  —  and  light,  —  and  then 

Streets,  —  houses,  —  spires,  —  the  hum  of  men. 

♦'  And  Ocean  roll'd  before  me  —  fain 

Would  I  have  whelm'd  me  in  its  tide, 
At  once  beneath  the  billowy  main 

My  shame,  my  guilt,  my  crime  to  hide ; 
But  He  was  there ! , —  He  cross'd  my  track,  — 

I  dared  not  pass  —  He  waved  me  back ! 

"And  then  rude  hands  detain'd  me  —  sure 

Justice  had  grasp'd  her  victim  —  no  ! 
Though  powerless,  hopeless,  bound,  secure, 

A  captive  thrall,  it  was  not  so ; 
They  cry  '  The  Frenchman's  on  the  wave  !* 
The  press  was  hot  —  and  I  a  slave. 

*'  They  dragg'd  me  o'er  the  vessel's  side ; 

The  world  of  waters  roll'd  below ; 
The  gallant  ship  in  all  her  pride 

Of  dreadful  beauty  sought  her  foe ; 
— Thou  saw'st  me,  William,  in  the  strife  — 
Alack !  I  bore  a  charmed  life ; 

"In  vain  the  bullets  round  me  fly, 

In  Tain  mine  eager  breast  I  I  bare; 
Death  shuns  the  wretch  who  longs  to  die^ 


180  A    LKGEND   OF    SALISBURY    PLAIN. 

And  every  sword  falls  edgeless  there ! 
Still  He  is  near ;  —  and  seems  to  cry, 
'Not  here,  nor  thus,  may  Matciiam  die!' — 

<'  Thou  saw'st  me  on  that  fearful  day, 

When,  fruitless  all  attempts  to  save, 
Our  pinnace  foundering  in  the  bay, 

The  boat's-crew  met  a  watery  grave, — 
All,  all  —  save  one  —  the  ravenous  sea 
That  swallow'd  all  —  rejected  Me! 

'•  And  now,  when  fifteen  suns  have  each 

Fulfill'd  in  turn  its  circling  year. 
Thrown  back  again  on  England's  beach. 

Our  bark  paid  off — He  drives  me  Here! 
I  could  not  die  in  flood  or  fight  — 
He  drives  me  here  ! !" — 

**And  sarve  you  right! 

'*  What !  bilk  your  Commander !  —  desart  —  and  then  rob  ! 
And  go  scuttling  a  poor  little  Drummer-boy's  nob ; 
Why,  my  precious  eyes !  what  a  bloodthirsty  swab !  — 

There 's  old  Davy  Jones, 

Who  cracks  Sailors'  bones 
For  his  jaw-work,  would  never,  I'm  sure,  s'elp  me  Bob, 
Have  come  for  to  go  for  to  do  sich  a  job ! 

Hark  ye.  Waters,  —  or  Matcham, — whichever 's  your   purser- 
name, 
—  T'other,  your  own,  is,  I'm  sartain,  the  worser  name, — 
Twelve  years  have  we  lived  on  like  brother  and  brother !  — 
Now  —  your  course  lays  one  way,  and  mine  lays  another  I " 

"  No,  William,  it  may  not  be  so ; 

Blood  calls  for  blood !  —  'tis  Heaven's  decree  1 
And  thou  with  me  this  night  must  go. 

And  give  me  to  the  gallows-tree ! 
Ha '  —  see  —  He  smiles  —  He  points  the  way ! 
On,  William,  on!  —  no  more  delay!" 


THE    DEAD   DRUMMER.  181 

Now  Bill,  —  so  the  story  as  told  to  me,  goes. 

And  who,  as  his  last  speech  sufficiently  shows, 

Was  a  *'  regular  trump,"—  did  not  like  to  "  turn  Nose  ;" 

But  then  came  a  thunder-clap  louder  than  any 

Of  those  that  preceded,  though  they  were  so  many ; 

And  hark !  —  as  its  rumblings  subside  in  a  hum. 

What  sound  mingles  too  ?—  "  By  the  hokey  —  A  Drum  ! !" 


I  remember  I  once  heard  my  Grandfather  say, 
That  some  sixty  years  since  he  was  going  that  way, 

"When  they  show'd  him  the  spot 

Where  the  gibbet  —  was  not-*— 
On  which  Matcham's  corse  had  been  hung  up  to  rot; 
It  had  fall'n  down  — but  how  long  before,  he'd  forj^ot; 
And  they  told  him,  I  think,  at  the  Bear  in  Devizes,  • 
The  town  where  the  Sessions  are  hold,  —  or  the  'Sizes, 

That  Matcham  confess'd. 

And  made  a  clean  breast 
To  the  Jlay'r ;  but  that  after  he  'd  had  a  night's  rest, 
And  the  storm  had  subsided,  he  "  pooh-pooh'd  "  his  friend, 
Swearing  all  was  a  lie  from  beginning  to  end ; 

Said  "he'd  only  been  drunk  — 

That  his  sjiirits  had  sunk 
At  the  thunder  —  the  storm  put  him  into  a  funk, — 
That,  in  fact,  he  had  nothing  at  all  on  his  conscience, 
And  found  out,  in  short,  he  'd  been  talking  great  nonsenst?.'*- 

But  now  one  Mr.  Jones 

Comes  forth  and  depones 
That,  fifteen  years  since,  he  had  heard  certain  groans 
On  his  way  to  Stone  Henge  (to  examine  the  stones 
Described  in  a  work  of  the  late  Sir  John  Soane's,) 

That  he'd  follow'd  the  moans, 

And,  led  by  their  tones. 
Found  a  Raven  a-picking  a  Drummer-boy's  bones  I  — 
16 


182  A    LEGEND   OP    SALISBURY    PLAIN. 

—  Then  the  Colonel  wrote  word 
From  the  King's  Forty-third, 
That  the  story  was  certainly  true  which  they  'd  heard, 

For,  that  one  of  their  drummers,  and  one  Sergeant  Matcham, 
Had  "brush'd  with  the  dibs,"  and  they  never  could  catch  'em. 
So  Justice  was  sure,  though  a  long  time  she  'd  lagg'd. 
And  the  Sergeant,  in  spite  of  his  "Gammon,"  got  "scragg'd;' 

And  people  averr'd 

That  an  ugly  black  bird. 
The  Raven,  'twas  hinted,  of  whom  we  have  heard, 
Though  the  story,  I  own,  appears  rather  absurd, 
Was  seen  (Gervase  Matcham  not  being  inten-'d), 
To  roost  all  that  night  on  the  murderer's  gibbet ; 
An  odd  thing,  if  so,  and  it  may  be  a  fib  —  it, 
However 's  a  thing  Nature's  laws  don't  prohibit. 
—  Next  morning  they  add,  that  "black  gentleman"  flies  out, 
Having  pick'd  Matcham's  nose  off,  and  gobbled  his  eyes  out ! 


Moral. 

Avis  au  Voyagenr. 
Imprimis. 

If  you  contemplate  walking  o'er  Salisbury  Plain, 
Consult  Mr.  Murphy,  or  Moore,  and  refrain 
From  selecting  a  day  when  it 's  likely  to  rain ! 
2». 

When  trav'lling,  don't  "flash" 
Your  notes  or  your  cash 
Before  other  people  —  it 's  foolish  and  rash ! 
8° 

At  dinner  be  cautious,  and  note  well  your  party :  — 
There 's  little  to  dread  where  the  appetite's  hearty, — 
But  mind  and  look  well  to  your  purse  and  your  throttle, 
When  you  see  a  man  shirking,  and  passing  his  bottle' 


40 


THE    DEAD    DRUMMER.  18d 


If  you  chance  to  be  needy, 

Your  coat  and  hat  seedy, 
In  war-time  especially  never  go  out 
When  you've  reason  to  think  there's  a  press-gang  about! 

Don't  chatter,  nor  tell  people  all  that  you  think, 

Nor  blab  secrets,  —  especially  when  you're  in  drink, — 

But,  keep  your  own  counsel  in  all  that  you  do ! 

—  Or  a  Counsel  may,  some  day  or  other,  keep  you. 

Discard  superstition!  —  and  don't  take  a  post. 
If  you  happen  to  see  one  at  night,  for  a  Ghost  I 

—  Last  of  all,  if  by  choice  or  convenience,  you  're  led, 
To  cut  a  man's  throat,  or  demolish  his  head, 

Don't  do  't  in  a  thunder-storm — wait  for  the  summer! 
And  mind,  above  all  things,  the  Man  's  not  a  Drummer  ! ! 


AmoDg  a  bundle  of  letters  I  find  one  from  Suckle- 
thumbkin,  dated  from  London,  and  containing  his  ver- 
sion of  perhaps  the  greatest  theatrical  Civil  War  since 
the  celebrated  "  0.  P.  row."  As  the  circumstances 
are  now  become  matter  of  history,  and  poor  Doldrum 
himself  has  been,  alas  !  for  some  time  the  denizen  of  a 
far  diiferent  "  House,"  I  have  ventured  to  preserve  it. 
Perhaps  it  may  be  unnecessary  to  add,  that  my  Honoura- 
ble friend  has  of  late  taken  to  Poetry  and  goes  without 
his  cravat. 


A  ROW  IN  AN  OMNIBUS  (BOX) 

A   LEGEND    OP   THE    HAYMARKET. 

Omnibus  hoc  vitium  cantoribus.  —  Hoe. 

DoL-DRUM  the  Manager  sits  in  his  chair, 
With  a  gloomy  brow  and  dissatisfied  air, 
And  he  says  as  he  slaps  his  hand  on  his  knee, 
"I'll  have  nothing  to  do  with  Fiddle-de-dee!" 

—  "But  Fiddle-de-dee  sings  clear  and  loud, 

And  his  trills  a-nd  his  quavers  astonish  the  crowd ; 

Such  a  singer  as  he 

You'll  nowhere  see 
They  '11  all  be  screaming  for  Fiddle-de-dee !" 

—  "  Though  Fiddle-de-dee  sings  loud  and  clear. 
And  his  tones  are  sweet,  yet  his  terras  are  dear  I 

The  *  glove  won't  fit !' 
The  deuce  a  bit. 
I  shall  give  an  engagement  to  Fal-de-rai-tit!" 

The  Prompter  bow'd,  and  he  went  to  his  stall, 
And  the  green-baize  rose  at  the  Prompter's  call. 
And  Fal-de-ral-tit  sang  fol-de-rol-lol ; 

But,  scarce  had  he  done 

When  a  "row"  begun, 
Such  a  noise  was  never  heard  under  the  sun. 

"Fiddle-de-dee!  — 

—  Where  is  he? 
He's  the  Artiste  whom  we  all  want  to  see!  — 

Dol-drum  !  —  Dol-drum  !  — 

Bid  the  Manager  come ! 
It 's  a  scandalous  thing  to  exact  such  a  sum 


(184) 


A    ROW   IN    AN    OMNIBUS    (bOX).  185 

For  boxes  and  gallery,  stalls  and  pit, 
And  then  fob  us  otf  with  a  Fal-de-ral-tit !" 

Deuce  a  bit ! 

We'll  never  submit! 
Vive  Fiddle-de-dee !  d  bas  Fal-de-ral-tit !" 
Dol-drum  the  Manager  rose  from  his  chair, 
With  a  gloomy  brow  and  dissatisfied  air ; 

But  he  smooth'd  his  brow, 

As  he  well  knew  how. 
Anil  he  walk'd  on,  and  made  a  most  elegant  bow. 
And  he  paused,  and  he  smiled,  and  advanced  to  the  hghts. 
In  his  opera  hat,  and  his  opera-tights ; 
"Ladies  and  Gentlemen,"  then  said  he, 
"  Pray  what  may  you  please  to  want  with  me  V 

"  Fiddle-de-dee !  — 

Fiddle-de-dee !" 
Folks  of  all  sorts  and  of  every  degree, 
Snob,  and  Snip,  and  haughty  Grandee, 
Duchesses,  Countesses,  fresh  from  their  tea, 
And  Shopmen,  who  'd  only  come  there  for  a  spree, 
Hallco'd,  and  hooted,  and  roar'd  with  glee 

"  Fiddle-de-dee !  — 

None  but  He !  — 
Subscribe  to  his  terras,  whatever  they  be !  — 
Agree,  agree,  or  you  '11  very  soon  see 
In  a  brace  of  shakes  we  '11  get  up  an  0.  P.  I" 

Dol-drum  the  Manager,  full  of  care. 
With  a  gloomy  brow  and  dissatisfied  air. 

Looks  distrcst. 

And  he  bows  his  best. 
And  he  puts  his  right  hand  on  the  side  of  his  breast, 

And  he  says, —  says  he, 

"We  carCt  agree: 
His  terms  are  a  vast  deal  too  high  for  me. — 
16* 


186 


A    LEGEND    OF    THE    DAYMARKET. 


There's  the  rent,  and  the  rates,  and  the  scsses,  and  taxes- 
[  can't  afford  Fiddle-de-dee  what  he  axes. 

If  you'll  only  permit 

Fal-de-ral-tit *' 

The  "Generous  Public"  cried  '-Deuce  a  bit  I 

Dol-druna !  —  Dol-drum !  — 

We'll  none  of  us  come. 
it's  *No  Go!' — it's  'Gammon!'  —  it's  'all  a  Hum:' — 

You're  a  miserly  Jew!  — 

'  Cock-a-doodle-doo !' 
He  don't  ask  too  much,  as  you  know — so  you  do  — 
It's  a  shame  —  it's  a  sin — it's  really  too  bad  — 
You  ought  to  be  'shamed  of  yourself — so  you  had!'' 

Dol-drum  the  Manager  never  before 

[n  his  life-time  had  heard  such  a  wild  uproar. 

Dol-drum  the  Manager  turn'd  to  flee ; 

But  he  says  —  says  he, 

"J/orf  de  ma  vie! 
I  shall  nevare  engage  vid  dat  Fiddle-de-dee!" 
Then  all  the  gentlefolks  flew  in  a  rage. 
And  they  jump'd  from  the  Omnibus  on  to  the  stage. 
Lord,  Squires,  and  Knights,  they  came  down  to  the  liglita 
In  their  opera-hats,  and  their  opera-tights. 

Ma'am'selle  Cherrytoes 

Shook  to  her  very  toes, 
She  couldn't  hop  on,  so  hopp'd  ofl"  on  her  merry  toes. 
And  the  "evening  concluded"  with  "Three  times  throe!" 
"  Hip — hip !  —  hurrah !  for  Fiddle-de-dee !" 

Dol-drum  the  Manager,  full  of  care, 
With  a  troubled  brow  and  dissatisfied  air, 

Saddest  of  men. 

Sat  down,  and  then 
Took  from  his  table  a  Perry  an  pen. 
And  he  wrote  to  the  "  News," 
How  Mac  Fuze  and  Tres^ooze. 


A    ROW    IN    AN    OMNIBUS    (bOX)  187 

Lord  Tomwoddy,  Sir  Carnaby  Jenks  of  the  Blues, 
And  the  whole  of  their  tail,  and  the  separate  crews 
Of  the  Tags  and  the  Rags,  and  the  No-one-kno\7ss-w]ios, 
Had  combined  Monsieur  Fal-de-ral-tit  to  abuse, 

And  make  Dol-drum  agree 

With  Fiddle-de-dee, 
Who  was  not  a  bit  better  singer  than  he. 
—  Dol-drum  declared  "he  never  could  v«tee, 
For  the  life  of  him,  yet,  why  Fiddle-de-dee, 

Who  in  B  flat,  or  C, 

Or  whatever  the  key 
Could  never  at  any  time  get  below  G, 
Should  expect  a  fee  the  same  in  degree 
As  the  great  Burly  bumbo  who  sings  double  D." 
Then  slyly  he  added  a  Uttlo  N.B. 
**  If  they  'd  have  him  in  Paris  he  'd  not  come  to  me ! 

The  Manager  rings. 

And  the  Prompter  springs 
To  his  side  in  a  jiffy,  and  with  him  he  brings 
A  set  of  those  odd-looking  envelope  things, 
Where  Brittania  (who  seems  to  be  crucified.)  flings 
To  her  right  and  her  left,  funny  people  with  wings 
Amongst  Elephants,  Quakers,  and  Catabaw  Kings ; 

And  a  taper  and  wax, 

And  small  Queen's  heads  in  packs. 
Which,  when  notes  are  too  big,  you're  to  stick  on  their  backs, 
Dol-drum  the  Manager  seal'd  with  care 
The  letter  and  copies  he'd  written  so  fair. 
And  sat  himself  down  with  a  satisfied  air; 

Without  delay 

He  sent  them  away, 
In  time  to  appear  in  "our  columns"  next  dayi 

Dol-drum  the  Manager,  full  of  care, 

fValk'd  on  to  the  stage  with  an  anxious  air, 

And  peep'd  through  the  curtain  to  see  who  were  thoro^ 


188 


A    LEGEiVD    OF    THE    HAYMARKET. 


There  was  Mac  Fuze, 

And  Lieutenant  Tregooze, 
And  there  was  Sir  Carnaby  Jenks  of  the  blues, 
And  the  Tags,  and  the  Rags,  and  the  No-one-knows- whos ; 
And  the  green-baize  rose  at  the  Prompter's  call, 
And  they  all  began  to  hoot,  bellow,  and  bawl, 
And  cry  *'Cock-a-doodle,"  and  scream,  and  squall 

"  Dol-drum !  —  Dol-drum !  — 

Bid  the  Manager  come!" 

You'd  have  thought  from  the  tones 

Of  their  hisses  and  groans. 
They  were  bent  upon  breaking  his  (Opera)  bones. 
And  Dol-drum  cvtmes,  and  he  says  —  says  he, 
"  Pray  what  may  you  please  to  want  with  me  V  -— 

"Fiddle-de-dee!  — 
Fiddle-de-dee !  — 
We'll  hare  nobody  give  us  sol  fa  but  He ! 
For  he 's  the  Artiste  whom  we  all  want  to  see." 

— Manager  Dol-drum  says  —  says  he  — 

(And  he  looks  like  an  owl  in  "  a  hollow  beech-tree") 

*'Well,  since  I  see 

The  thing  must  be, 
I'll  sign  an  agreement  with  Fiddle-de-dee!" 

Then  Mac  Fuze,  and  Tregooze, 

And  Jenks  of  the  Blues, 
And  the  Tags,  and  the  Rags,  and  the  No-one-knows-whos, 
Extremely  delighted  to  hear  such  good  news, 
Desist  from  their  shrill  *'  Cock-a-doodle-doos.'* 

"Five  Fiddle-de-dee! 
Dol-drum  and  He! 
They  are  jolly  good  fellows  as  ever  need  be ! 
And  so 's  Burlybumbo,  who  sings  double  D I 
And  whenever  they  sing,  why,  we'll  all  come  and  sec!" 

So,  after  all 

This  terribb  squall, 


A    ROW    IN    AN    OMNIBUS    (BOX).  189 

Fiddle-de-dee 

's  at  tlie  top  of  the  tree, 
Xjid  Dol-dmim  and  Fal-de-ral-tit  sing  small ! 
Now  Fiddle-de-dee  sings  loud  and  clear 
At  I  can't  tell  you  how  many  thousands  a-ycar, 
And  Fal-de-ral-tit  is  considered  " Small  Beer;" 

And  Ma'am'selle  Cherrytoes 

Sports  her  merry  toes, 
Dancing  away  to  the  fiddles  and  flutes, 
In  what  the  folks  call  a  "  Lithuanian"  in  boots. 

So  here's  an  end  to  my  one,  two,  and  three ; 
And  bless  the  Queen — and  long  live  She  I 
And  grant  that  there  never  again  may  be 
Such  a  halliballo  as  we've  happen'd  to  see 
About  nothing  on  earth  but  "  Fiddle-de-dee !" 


We  come  now  to  the  rummaging  of  Father  John's 
stores.  The  extracts  which  I  shall  submit  from  them 
are  of  the  same  character  as  those  formerly  derived  from 
the  same  source,  and  may  be  considered  as  theologico- 
historical,  or  Tracts  for  his  times. 

With  respect  to  the  first  legend  on  this  list,  I  have  to 
remark,  that,  though  the  good  Father  is  silent  on  the 
subject,  there  is  every  reason  to  believe  that  the  "little 
curly-wigged "  gentleman,  who  plays,  though  passively, 
so  prominent  a  part  in  it,  had  Ingoldsby  blood  in  his 
veins.  This  conjecture  is  supported  by  the  fact  of  the 
arms  of  Scroope,  impaling  Ingoldsby,  being  found,  as  in 
the  Bray  case,  in  one  of  the  windows,  and  by  a  very  old 
marriage-settlement  nearly,  or  quite,  illegible,  a  fac-simile 
of  the  seal  aflfixed  to  which  is  appended  to  this  true 
history. 


THE   LAY   OF    ST.    CUTHBERT; 

THE  DEVIL'S  DINNER-PARTY. 
A    LEGEND    OF    THE    NORTH    COUNTREE. 

Nobili?  quidam,  cui  nomen  Monsr.  Lescrop,  Chivaler,  cum  invitasset  c«.  .!• 
vivas,  et,  hora  convivii  jam  instaute  et  apparatu  facto,  spe  frustratus  eswt, 
excusantibus  se  convivis  cur  non  comparent,  prorupit  iratus  in  haec  verba; 
"  V«niant  igitur  omnes  dctmones,  si  nullus  hominum  mecum  esse  potest  P* 

Quod  cum  fieret.  et  Dominus,  et  famuli,  et  ancillae,  a  domo  properantes, 
forte  obliti,  infantem  in  cunis  jacentem  secum  non  auferunt.  Dsemonea 
incipiunt  comessari  et  vociferari,  prospicereque  per  fenestras  formis  ursorum- 
luporum,  felium,  et  monstrare  pocula  vino  repleta.  Ah,  inquit  pater,  ubi 
infans  mens  f  Vix  cum  haec  dixisset,  unus  ex  Daemonibus  ulnis  suis  infantem 
ad  fenestram  gestat,  Ac.  —  Chronicon  de  BoUon. 

It  's  in  Bolton  Hall,  and  the  clock  strikes  One, 
And  the  roast  meat 's  brown  and  the  boil'd  meat's  done, 
And  the  barbecu'd  sucking-pig 's  crisp'd  to  a  turn. 
And  the  pancakes  are  fried,  and  beginning  to  burn ; 

The  fat  stubble-goose 

Swims  in  gravy  and  juice, 
With  the  mustard  and  apple-sauce  ready  for  use ; 
Fish,  flesh,  and  fowl,  and  all  of  the  best, 
Want  nothing  but  eating  —  they're  pU  ready  drest. 
But  where  is  the  Host,  and  where  is  the  Guest? 

Pantler  and  serving-man,  henchman  and  page, 
Stand  sniffing  the  duck-stuffing  (onion  and  sage), 

And  the  scullions  and  cooks, 

With  fidgety  looks. 


THE    LAY   OF   ST.    CUTHBERT.  191 

iVre  grumbling  and  mutt'ring,  and  scowling  as  black 
As  cooks  always  do  wlieu  the  dinner's  put  back: 
For  though  the  board's  deckt,  and  the  napery,  fair 
As  the  unsunn'd  snow-flake,  is  spread  out  with  care, 
And  the  Dais  is  furnish'd  with  stool  and  with  chair, 
And  plate  of  orfiverie  costly  and  rare, 
Apostle-spoons,  salt-cellar,  all  are  there, 

And  Mess  John  in  his  place, 

With  his  rubicund  face, 
And  his  hands  ready  folded,  prepared  to  say  Grace. 
Yet  where  is  the  Host?  —  and  his  convives  —  where? 

The  Scroope  sits  lonely  in  Bolton  Hall, 

And  he  watches  the  dial  that  hangs  by  the  wall. 

He  watches  the  large  hand,  he  watches  the  small. 

And  he  fidgets  and  looks 

As  cross  as  the  cooks, 
And  he  utters  —  a  word  which  we'll  soften  to  <'Zooks!" 
And  he  cries,  "  What  on  earth  has  become  of  them  all?"— 

What  can  delay 

De  Vaux  and  De  Saye? 
What  makes  Sir  Gilbert  de  Umfraville  stay  ? 
What 's  gone  with  Poyntz,  and  Sir  Reginald  Braye  ? 
Why  are  Ralph  UflFord  and  Marny  away  ? 
And  De  Nokes  and  De  Styles,  and  Lord  Marmaduke  Grej  ? 

And  De  Roe? 

And  De  Doe?— 
V(  ynings,  and  Vavasour  —  where  be  they  ? 
Fitz-Waltcr,  Fitz-Osbert,  Fitz-Hugh,  and  Fitz-John, 
And  the  Mandevilles,  pire  el  fila  (father  and  son)  ? 
Their  cards  said  '  Dinner  precisely  at  One  I' 

There's  nothing  I  hate,  in 

The  world  like  waiting! 
It's  a  monstrous  great  bore,  when  a  Gentleman  feels 
A  good  appetite,  thus  to  be  kept  from  his  meals  I" 


192  A    LEGEND   OF    THE    NORTH    COUNTREB 

Jt  'g  in  BoHou  Hall  and  the  clock  strikes  Two  : 
And  the  sculUons  and  cooks  are  themselves  in  "a  stew," 
And  the  kitchen-maids  stand,  and  don't  know  what  to  do. 
For  the  rich  plum-puddings  are  bursting  their  bags, 
And  the  mutton  and  turnips  are  boiling  to  rags, 

And  the  fish  is  all  spoil'd, 

And  the  butter's  all  oil'd, 
And  the  soup 's  got  cold  in  the  silver  tureen, 
And  there 's  nothing,  in  short,  that  is  fit  to  be  seen ! 
While  Sir  Guy  Le  Scroope  continues  to  fume, 
And  to  fret  by  himself  in  the  tapestried  room, 

And  still  fidgets,  and  looks 

More  cross  than  the  cooks, 
And  repeats  that  bad  word,  which  we've  soften'd  to  "Zooksi*' 

Two  o'clock 's  ceme,  and  Two  o'clock 's  gone, 

And  the  large  and  the  small  hands  move  steadily  on. 

Still  nobody's  there, 

No  De  Roos,  or  De  Clare, 
To  taste  of  the  Scroope's  most  delicate  fare. 
Or  to  quaif  off  a  health  unto  Bolton's  Heir, 
That  nice  little  boy  who  sits  there  in  his  chair, 
Some  four  years  old,  and  a  few  months  to  spare. 
With  his  laughing  blue  eyes,  and  his  long  curly  hair. 
Now  sucking  his  thumb,  and  now  munching  his  pear. 

Again,  Sir  Guy  the  silence  broke, 
**It's  hard  upon  Three  ! — it's  just  on  the  stroke! 
Come,  serve  up  the  dinner! — A  joke  is  a  joke  !" — 
Little  he  deems  that  Stephen  de  Hoaques,* 

*  For  a  full  account  of  this  facetious  "  Chivdler,"  see  the  late  (Oh !  that 
we  should  have  to  say  "  late  "!)  Theodore  Hook's  "  History  of  the  illustrious 
Commoners  of  Great  Britain."  as  quoted  in  the  Memoirs  of  John  Bragg 
Esq.,  page  344  of  the  75th  volume  of  the  Standard  Novels.  In  the  third 
volume  ol  Sir  Harris  Nicolas's  elaborate  account  of  the  Scroope  andOrosvenor 
controversy,  commonly  called  the  "  Scroope  Roll,"  a  Stephen  de  Hoques* 
Ecuyer,  is  described  as  giving  his  testimony  on  the  Grosvenor  side.  —  Vid* 
page  247. 


THE    LAY    OF   ST.  CUTHBERT.  193 

Who  "his  fun,"  as  the  Yankees  say,  everywhere  "pokes," 

And  is  always  a  great  deal  too  fond  of  his  jokes, 

Has  written  a  circular  note  to  De  Nokes, 

And  De  Stiles,  and  De  Roe,  and  the  rest  of  the  folks, 

One  and  all, 

Great  and  small, 
Who  were  ask'd  to  the  Hall 
To  dine  there  and  sup,  and  wind  up  with  a  ball, 
And  had  told  all  the  party  a  great  bouncing  lie,  he 
Cook'd  up,  that  "the/^^e  was  postponed  sme  c/ie, 
The  dear  little  curly-wig'd  heir  of  Le  Scroope, 
Being  taken  alarmingly  ill  with  the  croup !" 

When  the  clock  struck  Three, 

And  the  Page  on  his  knee 
Said  "An't  please  you.  Sir  Guy  Le  Scroope,  On  a  serviT 
And  the  Knight  found  the  banquet  hall  empty, 

With  nobody  near 

To  partake  of  his  cheer. 
He  stamp'd,  and  he  storm'd  —  then  his  language !  —  Oh  dear ! 
'Twas  awful  to  see,  and  'twas  awful  to  hear ! 
And  he  cried  to  the  button-deck'd  Page  at  his  knee. 
Who  had  told  him  so  civilly  '■'■  On  a  servi," 
*'  Ten  thousand  fiends  seize  them,  wherever  they  be ! 
—  The  Devil  take  them  !  and  the  Devil  take  thee  ! 
And  the  Devil  may  eat  up  the  dinner  fob  me!  !" 

In  a  terrible  fume 

He  bounced  out  of  the  room, 
lie  bounced  out  of  the  house  —  and  page,  footman,  and  proem 
Bounced  after  their  master ;  for  scarce  had  they  heard 
Of  this  left-handed  Grace  the  last  finishing  word. 
Ere  the  horn  at  the  gate  of  the  Barbican  tower. 
Was  blown  with  a  loud  twenty-trumpeter  power. 

And  in  rush'd  a  troop 

Of  strange  guests !  —  such  a  group 
As  had  ne'er  before  darken'd  the  door  of  the  Scroope. 
17 


194  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    NORTH    COUNTREE. 

This  looks  like  De  Saye  —  yet  —  it  is  not  De  Saye  — 

And  this  is  —  no,  'tis  not  —  Sir  Reginald  Bray  — 

This  has  somewhat  the  favour  of  Marmaduke  Grey  — 

But  stay !  —  Where  on  earth  did  he  get  those  long  nails  ? 

Why,  they're   claws!  —  then  Good  Gracious!  —  they've   all  of 

them  tails? 
That  can't  be  De  Vaux  —  why  his  nose  is  a  bill, 
Or,  T  would  say  a  beak !  —  and  he  can't  keep  it  still!  — 
Is  that  Poy nings  ?  —  Oh  Gemini !  —  look  at  his  feet ! ! 
Why,  they  're  absolute  hoofs  !  is  it  gout  or  his  corns 
That  have  crumpled  them  up  so  ?  —  by  Jingo,  he 's  horns  I 
Run!  run!  —  There's  Fitz-Walter,  Fitz-Hugh,  and  Fitz-John. 
And  the  Mandevilles,  p^re  etfils  (father  and  son). 
And  Fitz-Osbert,  and  Ufford  —  they've  all  got  them  on! 
Then  their  great  saucer  eyes  — 
It's  the  Father  of  lies 
And  his  Imps  —  run!  run!  run! — they're  all  fiends  in  disguise, 
Who've  partly  assumed,  with  more  sombre  complexions, 
The  foiTus  of  Sir  Guy  Le  Scroope's  friends  and  connexions, 
And  He  —  at  the  top  there — that  grim-looking  elf — 
Run  !  run !  — that's  the  *'  muckle-horn'd  Clootie  "  himself! 

And  now  what  a  din 

Without  and  within  ! 
For  the  court-yard  is  full  of  them. —  How  they  begin 
To  mop,  and  to  mowe,  and  make  faces,  and  grin ! 

Cock  their  tails  up  together, 

Like  cows  in  hot  weather, 
And  butt  at  each  other,  all  eating  and  drinking, 
The  viands  and  wine  disappearing  like  winking. 

And  then  such  a  lot 

As  together  had  got! 
Master  Cabbage,  the  Steward,  who  'd  made  a  machine 
To  calculate  with,  and  count  noses, —  I  ween 
The  cleverest  thing  of  the  kind  ever  seen,— 

Declared,  when  he'd  made, 

By  the  said  machine's  aid. 


THE    LAY    OP    ST.  CUTHBERT.  195 

Up,  what's  now  call'd,  the  "tottle"  of  those  he  survey'd, 
There  were  just  —  how  he  proved  it  I  cannot  divine, — 
Nine  thousand,  nine  hundred,  and  ninety,  and  nine, 

Exclusive  of  Him, 

Who,  giant  in  limb. 
And  black  as  the  crow  they  denominate  Jim, 
With  a  tail  hke  a  bull,  and  a  head  like  a  bear, 
Stands  forth  at  the  window, — and  what  holds  he  there, 

Which  he  hugs  with  such  care. 

And  pokes  out  in  the  air, 
And  grasps  as  its  limbs  from  each  other  he  'd  tear  j 

Oh  !  grief  and  despair ! 

I  vow  and  declare 
It's  Le  Scroope's  poor,  dear,  sweet,  little,  curly-wig'd  Heirl 
Whom  the  nurse  had  forgot,  and  left  there  in  his  chair. 
Alternately  sucking  his  tliumb  and  his  pear ! 

What  words  can  express 

The  dismay  and  distress 
Of  Sir  Guy,  when  he  found  what  a  terrible  mess 
His  cursing  and  banning  had  got  him  into  ? 
That  words,  which  to  use  are  a  shame  and  a  sin  too, 
Had  thus  on  their  speaker  recoil'd,  and  his  malison 
Placed  in  the  hands  of  the  Devil's  own  '-pal "  his  son! — 

He  sobb'd  and  he  sigh'd. 

And  he  scream'd,  and  he  cried, 
And  behaved  like  a  man  that  is  mad,  or  in  liquor, — he 
Tore  his  peak'd  beard,  and  he  dash'd  off  his  "  Yicary,"* 

*  A  peruke  so  named  from  its  inventor.  Robert  de  Ros  and  Eudo  Fitfr 
Vlcari  were  celebrated  perruquiers,  who  flourished  in  the  eleventh  century. 
The  latter  is  noticed  in  the  Battle-Abbey  roll,  and  is  said  to  have  curled 
William  the  Conqueror's  hair  when  dressing  for  the  battle  of  Hastings. 
Dugdale  makes  no  mention  of  him,  but  Camden  says,  that  Humfrey,  one  of 
his  descendants,  was  summoned  to  Parliament,  26  Jan.  25  Edw.  I.  (1297.)  It 
is  doubtful,  however,  whether  that  writ  can  be  deemed  a  regular  writ  of 
Rummons  to  Parliament,  for  reasons  amply  detailed  in  the  "  Synopsis  of  the 
British  Peerage."— (Art.  Fitz-John.)  A  writ  was  subsequently  addressed  to 
him  as  Hiim/ry  Fitz-Vican,  Chivr."  8  Jan.  6  Edw.  II.  (1313),  and  his  desccn- 


i96  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    NORTH    COUNTREE. 

Stamp'd  on  the  jasey 

As  though  he  were  crazy, 
And  staggering  about  just  as  if  he  were  "hazy," 
Exclaim'd,  "  Fifty  pounds!"  (a  large  sum  in  those  times,) 
"  To  the  person  whoever  he  may  be,  that  climbs 
To  that  window  above  there,  en  ogive,  and  painted. 
And  bring  down  my  curly-wi' "  here  Sir  Guy  fainted  I 

With  many  a  moan, 

And  many  a  groan. 
What  with  tweaks  of  the  nose,  and  some  eau  de  Cologne, 
He  revived, — Reason  once  more  remounted  her  throne, 
Or  rather  the  instinct  of  Nature, — 'twere  treason 
To  Iler,  in  the  Scroope's  case,  perhaps,  to  say  lleason, — 
But  what  saw  he  then  ? — Ob !  my  goodnp-ss !  a  sight 
Enough  to  have  banish'd  his  reason  outright !  — 

In  that  broad  banquet  hall 

The  fiends  one  and  all, 
Regardless  of  shriek,  and  of  squeak  and  of  squall, 
From  one  to  another  were  tossing  that  small 
Pretty,  curly-wig'd  boy,  as  if  playing  at  ball  : 
Yet  none  of  his  friends  or  his  vassals  might  dare 
To  fiy  to  the  rescue,  or  rush  up  the  stair, 
And  bring  down  in  safety  his  curly-wig'd  Heir ! 

Well  a  day!     Well  a  day! 

All  he  can  say 
Is  but  just  so  much  trouble  and  time  thrown  away; 
Not  a  man  can  be  tempted  to  join  the  milie, 
E'en  those  words  cabalistic,  *'I  promise  to  pay 
Fifty  pounds  on  demand,"  have,  for  once,  lost  their  sway 

(lants  appear  to  have  been  regularly  summoned  as  late  as  5  and  6  ^r  Philip 
:»nd  Mary.  1557-8.  Soon  after  which  Peter  Fitz-Vicari  dying,  8.  p,  m.  this 
Barony  went  into  abeyance  between  his  two  daughters,  Joan,  married  to 
Henry  de  Truefit  of  Fullbottom,  and  Alice,  wife  of  Roger  Wigrnm,  of  Caxon 
Hall,  in  Wigton,  co.Cuuib.  Ksq..  amoncc  whose  representative!,  it  is  presurr.o-i 
tO  bo  still  in  abevance. 


THE    LAY   OF    ST.  CUTHBERT.  197 

And  there  the  Knight  stands, 

Wringing  his  hands 
In  his  agony -^  when  on  a  sudden,  one  ray 
Of  hope  darts  through  his  raidriiF! — His  Saint  I — Oh,  it's  funny. 

And  almost  absurd. 

That  it  never  occurr'd!  — 
*'  Ay !  the  Scroope's  Patron  Saint! — he's  the  man  for  my  money  I 
Saint  —  who  is  it?  —  really  I'm  sadly  to  blame,  — 
On  my  word  I  'm  afraid,  —  I  confess  it  with  shame,  — 
That  I've  almost  forgot  the  good  Gentleman's  name, — 
Cut  —  let  me  see  —  Cutbeard  ?  — no ! —  Cuthbert  !  —  egad ! 
St.  Cuthbert  of  Bolton!— I'm  right  — he's  the  lad! 
Oh  holy  St,  Cuthbert,  if  forbears  of  mine  — 
Of  myself  I  say  little,  —  have  knelt  at  your  shrine, 
And  have  lash'd  their  bare  backs,  and — no  matter — with  twine 

Oh!  list  to  the  vow 

Which  I  make  to  you  now, 
Only  snatch  my  poor  little  boy  out  of  the  row 
Which  that  Imp 's  kicking  up  with  his  fiendish  bow-wow, 
And  his  head  like  a  bear,  and  his  tail  like  a  cow ! 
Bring  him  back  here  in  safety !  —  perform  but  this  task, 
And  I  '11  give !  —  Oh !  —  I  '11  give  you  whatever  you  ask !  — 

There  is  not  a  shrine 

In  the  County  shall  shine 
With  a  brilliancy  half  so  resplendent  as  thine, 
Or  have  so  many  candles,  or  look  half  so  fine !  — 
Haste,  holy  St.  Cuthbert,  then,  —  hasten  in  pity!"  — 

—  Conceive  his  surprise 

When  a  strange  voice  replies, 
"It's  a  bargain! — but,  mind,  sir.  The  best  Spermaceti!"  — 
Say,  whose  that  voice  ?  —  whose  that  form  by  his  side. 
That  old,  old,  grey  man,  with  his  beard  long  and  wide. 

In  his  coarse  Palmer's  weeds. 

And  his  cockle  and  beads?  — 
And,  how  did  he  come?  —  did  he  walk?  —  did  he  ride? 
Oh !  none  could  determine.  —  oh !  none  could  decide,  — 
17* 


lyo  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    NORTH    COUXTREE. 

The  fact  is,  I  don't  believe  any  one  tried, 

For  while  ev'rj  one  stared,  Avith  a  dignified  stride, 

And  without  a  word  more, 

He  march'd  on  before, 
Up  a  flight  of  stone-steps,  and  so  through  the  front  door, 
To  the  banqueting-hall,  that  was  on  the  first  floor, 
While  the  fiendish  assembly  were  making  a  rare 
Little  shuttlecock  there  of  the  curly-wig'd  Heir.  — 

—  I  wish,  gentle  Reader,  that  you  could  have  seen 
The  pause  that  ensued  when  he  stepp'd  in  between, 
With  his  resolute  air,  and  his  dignified  mien, 

And  said,  in  a  tone  most  decided,  though  mild, 

*'  Come !  — I'll  trouble  you  just  to  hand  over  that  child !" 

The  Demoniac  crowd 

In  an  instant  seem'd  cow'd; 
Not  one  of  the  crew  volunteer'd  a  reply. 
All  shrunk  from  the  glance  of  that  keen-flashing  eye. 
Save  one  horrid  Humgruflin,  who  seem'd  by  liis  talk, 
And  the  airs  he  assumed,  to  be  Cock  of  the  walk. 
He  quail'd  not  before  it,  but  saucily  met  it, 
A.nd  as  saucily  said,  " Don't  you  wish  you  may  get  it?" 
My  goodness !  —  the  look  that  the  old  Palmer  gave ! 
And  his  frown! — 'twas  quite  dreadful  to  witness — "Why,  slave  1 

You  rascal !"  quoth  he, 

"  This  language  to  me  ! ! 

—  At  once,  Mr.  Nicholas !  down  on  your  knee, 

/Vnd  hand  me  that  curly-wig'd  boy! — I  command  it  — 

Come !  —  none  of  your  nonsense !  —  you  know  I  won't  stand  it." 

Old  Nicholas  trembled, — he  shook  in  his  shoes, 
A.nd  seem'd  half  inclined,  but  afraid,  to  refuse. 

"Well  Cuthbert,"  said  he, 

'■*  If  so  it  must  be, 

—  For  you've  had  your  own  way  from  the  first  time  I  knew 

ye;  — 
Take  your  curly-wig'd  brat,  and  much  good  may  he  do  ye  I 


THE    LAY    OF    ST.  CUTHBERT.  19? 

But  I'll  have  in  exchange — "  — here  his  eye  flash'd  with  rage — 
"That  chap  with  the  buttons  —  he  yave  me  the  Page !" 

"Come,  come,"  the  Saint  answer' d,  "you  very  well  know 
The  young  man's  no  more  his  than  your  own  to  bestow  — 
Touch  one  button  of  his  if  you  dare,  Nick  —  no  !  no ! 
Cut  your  stick,  sir  —  come,  mizzle! — be  oflf  with  you! — go  !"— 

The  Devil  gi^ew  hot  — 

"K  1  do  I'll  be  shot! 
An  you  come  to  that,  Cuthbert,  I'll  tell  you  what's  what; 
He  has  asked  us  to  dine  here,  and  go  we  will  not ! 

Why  you  Skinflint,  —  at  least 

You  may  leave  us  the  feast ! 
Here  we  've  come  all  that  way  from  our  brimstone  abode. 
Ten  million  good  leagues,  Sir,  as  ever  you  strode. 
And  the  deuce  of  a  luncheon  we ' ve  had  on  the  road  — 
—  'Go!' — 'Mizzle!'  indeed  —  Mr.  Saint,  who  are  you, 
I  should  like  to  know?  —  'Go!'— I'll  be  hang'd  if  I  do  ! 
He  invited  us  all  —  we'A^e  a  right  here  —  it's  known 
Thatm  Baron  may  do  what  he  likes  with  his  own  — 
Here,  Asmodeus  —  a  slice  of  that  beef;  — now  the  mustard !  — 
What  have  you  got?  —  oh,  apple-pie  —  try  it  with  custard!" 

The  Saint  made  a  pause 

As  uncertain,  because 
He  knew  Nick  is  pretty  well  "up"  in  the  laws, 
And  they  might  be  on  his  side  —  and  then,  he  'd  such  claws  t 
On  the  whole,  it  was  better,  he  thought,  to  retire 
With  the  curly-wig'd  boy  he  'd  pick'd  out  of  the  fire, 
And  give  up  the  victuals  —  to  retrace  his  path, 
And  to  compromise  —  (spite  of  the  Member  for  Bath). 

So  to  Old  Nick's  appeal, 

As  he  turn'd  on  his  heel, 
He  replied,  "Well,  I'll  leave  you  the  mutton  and  veal, 
And  the  soup  d,  la  Reine,  and  the  sauce  Bechamel. 
As  the  Scroope  did  invite  you  to  dinner,  I  feel 
I  can't  well  turn  you  out — 'twould  be  hardly  genteel  — 


^t)0  A    LEGEND   OF   THE    NORTH   COUNTREE. 

But  b9  moderate,  pray,  —  and  remember  thus  mucli, 
Since  you're  treated  as  Gentlemen,  show  yourselves  luch, 

And  don't  make  it  late, 

But  mind  and  go  straight 
Home  to  bed  when  you've  finished  —  and  don't  steal  the  plate  I 
Nor  wrench  oif  the  knocker  or  bell  from  the  gate. 
Walk  away,  like  respectable  Devils,  in  peace, 
And  don't  '  lark'  with  the  watch,  or  annoy  the  police !" 

Having  thus  said  his  say, 

That  Palmer  grey 
Took  up  little  Le  Scroope,  and  walk'd  coolly  away, 
"While  the  Demons  all  set  up  a  "  Hip  !  hip !  hurray  !'* 
Then  fell,  tooth  and  claw,  on  the  victuals,  as  they 
Had  been  guests  at  Guildhall  upon  Lord  Mayor's  day, 
All  scrambling  and  scuffling  for  what  was  before  'em, 
No  care  for  precedence  or  common  decorum. 

Few  ate  more  hearty 

Than  Madame  Astarte, 
And  Hecate, —  consider'd  the  Belles  of  the  party. 
Between  them  was  seated  Leviathan,  eager 
To  "do  the  polite,"  and  take  wine  with  Belphegor; 
Here  was  Morblcu  (a  French  devil),  supping  soup-meagre, 
And  there,  munching  leeks,  Davy  Jones  of  Tredegar 
(A  Welsh  one),  who  'd  left  the  domains  of  Ap  Morgan, 
To  "follow  the  sea," — and  next  him  Demogorgon, — 
Then  Pan  with  his  pipes,  and  Fauns  grinding  the  organ 
To  Mammon  and  Belial,  and  half  a  score  dancers. 
Who'd  join'd  with  Medusa  to  get  up  "the  Lancers;" 
—  Here's  Lucifer  lying  blind  drunk  with  Scotch  ale. 
While  Beelzebub's  tying  huge  knots  in  his  tail, 
'there 's  Setebos,  storming  because  Mephistopheles 

Gave  him  the  lie, 

"  Said  he  'd  "  blacken  his  eye," 
And  dash'd  in  his  face  a  whole  cup  of  hot  coflfee-lees ;  — 

Ramping,  and  roaring. 

Hiccoughing,  snoring. 


THE    LAY    OF    ST     CUTHBERT.  201 

Never  was  seen  such  a  riot  before  in 

A  gentleman's  house,  or  such  profligate  revelling 

At  any  soiree  —  where  they  don't  let  the  Devil  in. 

Hark!  —  as  sure  as  fate 

The  clock  's  striking  Eight ! 
(An  hour  which  our  ancestors  called  ''getting  late,") 
When  Nick,  who  by  this  time  was  rather  elate, 
Rose  up  and  address'd  them. 

"'Tis  full  time,"  he  said, 
"  For  all  elderly  Devils  to  be  in  their  bed; 
For  my  own  part  I  mean  to  be  jogging,  because 
I  don't  find  myself  now  quite  so  young  as  I  was ; 
But,  Gentlemen,  ere  I  depart  from  my  post, 
I  must  call  on  you  all  for  one  bumper  —  the  toast 
Which  I  have  to  propose  is, —  Our  Excellent  Host  I 
—  Many  thanks  for  his  kind  hospitality  —  may 

We  also  be  able, 

To  see  at  our  table 
Himself,  and  enjoy,  in  a  family  way, 
His  good  company  down  stairs  at  no  distant  day ! 
You  'd 

I  'm  sure  think  me  rude 

If  I  did  not  include 
In  the  toast  my  young  friend  there,  the  curly-wig'd  Heir. 
He 's  in  very  good  hands,  for  you're  all  well  aware 
That  St.  Cuthbert  has  taken  him  under  his  care ; 

Though  I  must  not  say  'bless,' — 

—  Why  you  '11  easily  guess, — 
May  our  Curly-wig'd  Friend's  shadow  never  be  lessl" 
Nick  took  off  his  heel-taps  —  bow'd  —  smiled  —  with  an  air 
Most  graciously  grim, — and  vacated  the  chair, — 

Of  course  the  4liie 

Rose  at  once  on  their  feet, 
And  foUow'd  their  leader,  and  beat  a  retreat ; 
When  a  sky-larking  Imp  took  the  I^rcsident's  sor.:, 


202         A  LEGEND  Ot  THE  NORTH  COUNTREE. 

And,  requesting  that  each  would  replenish  his  cup, 
Said,  "  Where  we  have  dined,  my  boys,  there  let  us  sup  1' 
— It  was  three  in  the  morning  before  they  broke  up !  ! ! 


I  scarcely  need  say 

Sir  Ouy  didn't  delay 
To  fulfil  his  vow  made  to  St.  Cathbart,  or  pay 
For  the  candles  he  'd  promised,  or  make  light  as  day 
The  shrine  he  assured  him  he  'd  render  so  gay, 
In  fact,  when  the  votaries  came  there  to  pray, 
All  said  there  was  nought  to  compare  with  it — nay, 

For  fear  that  the  Abbey 

ISlight  think  he  was  shabby, 
Four  Brethren  theneeforAvard,  two  cleric,  two  lay, 
He  ordain'd  should  take  charge  of  a  new-founded  chantry, 
With  six  marcs  apiece,  and  some  claims  on  the  pantry; 

In  short,  the  whole  County 

Declared,  through  his  bounty 
The  Abbey  of  Bolton  exhibited  fresh  scenes 
From  any  display'd  since  Sir  William  de  Meschines,* 
And  Cecily  Roumeli  came  to  this  nation 
With  William  the  Norman,  and  laid  its  foundation. 

For  the  rest,  it  is  said, 

And  I  know  I  have  read 
In  some  Chronicle  —  whose,  has  gone  out  of  my  head  — 
That,  what  with  these  candles,  and  other  expenses^ 
Which  no  man  woxild  go  to  if  quite  in  his  senses, 

He  reduced,  and  brought  low 

His  property  so. 
That,  at  last,  he  'd  not  much  of  it  left  to  bestow ;  ^ 

And  that,  many  years  after  that  terrible  feast. 
Sir  Guy  in  the  Abbey  was  living  a  Priest ; 
And  there,  in  one  thousand  and  —  something, — deceased. 

*  Vide  Dug'lalc's  Monasticon,  Art.  Pvioratus  de.  Bolton,  in  agro  Eboracensi 


THE    LAY   OF    ST.    CUTHBERT.  '    203 

(It 's  supposed  by  this  trick 

He  bamboozled  Old  Nick, 
And  slipp'd  through  his  fingers  remarkably  ''  slick  "), 
While,  as  to  young  Curly-wig, — dear  little  Soul, 
Would  you  know  more  of  him,  you  must  look  at  "  The  Roll," 

Which  records  the  dispute, 

And  the  subsequent  suit. 
Commenced  in  '•  Thirteen  sev'nty-five," — which  took  root 
In  Le  Grosvenor's  assuming  the  arms  Le  Scroope  swore 
That  none  but  his  ancestors,  ever  before. 
In  foTay,  joust,  battle,  or  tournament  wore. 
To  wit,  "  On  a  Prussian-blue  Field,  a  Bend  Or  ; 
While  the  Grosvcnor  averr'd  that  his  ancestor  bore 
The  same,  and  Scroope  lied  like  a  —  somebody  tore 
Off  the  simile, — so  I  can  tell  you  no  more. 
Till  some  A  double  S  shall  the  fragment  restore.* 


Moral. 

This  Legend  sound  maxims  exemplifies  —  e.  g. 
\mo.  Should  anything  tease  you, 

Annoy,  or  displease  you. 
Remember  what  Lilly  says,  "  Animum  regel'j 
And  as  for  that  shocking  bad  habit  of  swearing, — 
In  all  good  society  voted  past  bearing, — 
Eschew  it! — and  leave  it  to  dust-men  and  mobs. 
Nor  commit  yourself  much  beyond  "  Zooks !"'  or  "  Odsbobs !" 

*  It  is  -with  the  greatest  satisfaction  that  I  learn  from  Mr.  Simplcinson  this 
consummation,  so  devoutly  to  be  wished,  is  about  to  be  realized,  and  that 
the  remainder  of  this  most  interesting;  document,  containing  the  whole  of  the 
defendant's  evidence,  will  appear  in  the  course  of  the  ensuing  summer,  under 
the  same  auspices  as  the  former  portion.  We  shall  look  with  eagerness  for 
the  identification  of  "Curly-wig." 

f  Animum  rege!  qui  nisi  paret.  imperat.  —  Lilly's  Grammar. 


204     *  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    NORTH   COUNTREE. 

Ido.  When  ask'd  out  to  dine  by  a  Person  of  Quality, 
Mind,  and  observe  the  most  strict  punctuality !  — 
For  should  you  come  late, 
And  make  dinner  wait, 
And  the  victuals  get  cold,  you  '11  incur,  sure  as  ftxte, 
The  Master's  displeasure,  the  Mistress's  hate  — 
And  —  though   both   may,  perhaps,    be   too  well   bred    to 

swear, — • 
They  '11  heartily  wish  you  —  I  need  not  say  where. 


Slio.  Look  well  to  your  Maid-servants!  —  say  you  expect  them 
To  see  to  the  children,  and  not  to  neglect  them!  — 
And  if  you're  a  widower,  just  throw  a  cursory 
Glance  in,  at  times,  when  you  go  near  the  Nursery 
—  Perhaps  it's  as  well  to  keep  children  from  plums. 
And  from  pears  in  the  season, —  and  sucking  their  thumbs ! 

4/0.  To  sum  up  the  whole  with  a  "  Saw"  of  much  use, 
Bejusi  and  be  generous, — don't  he  profuse .'  — 
Pay  the    debts  that  you  owe, — keep  your  word    to  your 

friends, 
But — don't  set  yoitk  candles  alight  at  both  ends!  !  — 
For  of  this  be  assured,  if  you  "go  it"  too  fast. 

You'll  be  "dish'd"  like  Sir  Guy, 

And  like  him,  perhaps,  die 
A  poor,  old,  half-starved,  Count  y  Parson  at  last  I 


THE    LAY    OF    ST.    ALOYS.  '    20i) 

For  the  Legend  that  follows  Father  John  has,  it  will 
be  seen,  the  grave  authority  of  a  liomish  Prelate.  The 
good  Father,  who,  as  I  have  before  had  occasion  to 
remark,  received  his  education  at  Douai,  spent  several 
years,  in  the  earlier  part  of  his  life,  upon  the  Continent. 
I  have  no  doubt  but  that  during  this  period  he  visited 
Blois,  and  there,  in  all  probability,  picked  up,  in  the 
very  scene  of  its  locality,  the  history  which  he  has  thus 
recorded. 

THE   LAY   OF   ST.   ALOYS. 

A   LEGEND    OF    BLOIS. 

S.  Heloins  in  hue  urbe  fuit  episcopus,  qui,  defunctus,  fiepulturus  est  a 
fidelibus.  Nocte  autem  sequenti,  veniens  quidam  paganus  lapidem,  qui 
sarcophagum  (ogcbat,  revolvit,  e  rectumque  contra  se  corpus  Sancti  spoliare, 
conatur.  At  ille,  lacertis  constrictum,  ad  se  hominem  fortiter  amplexatur, 
et  usque  mane,  populis  speotantibus,  tanquam  constipatum  loris,  ita  mise- 
rum  brachiis  detinebat.  *  *  *  *  Judex  loci  sepulchri  violatorem  jubet 
abstrahi,  ot  legali  poenje  sententia  condemnari;  sed  non  laxabatur  a  Sancto. 
Tunc  intelligens  voluntatem  defuncti,  Judex,  facta  de  vita  prouiissione, 
absolvit,  deinde  laxatur,  et  sic  incolumis  reddilur  :  non  vero  fur  demi.-sus 
:iuin  se  vitam  monastericam  amplexurum  spopondisset. 

Greg :  Tuimnens :  de  Glorid  ConfcsRomm. 

Saint  Aloys 

Was  the  Bishop  of  Blois, 
And  a  pitiful  man  was  he : 

He  grieved  and  he  pined 

For  the  woes  of  mankind, 
And  of  brutes  in  their  degree, — 

He  would  rescue  the  rat 

From  the  claws  of  the  cat, 
And  set  the  poor  captive  free ; 

Though  his  cassock  was  swarming 

With  all  sorts  of  vermin, 
18 


206  A    LEGEND   OF    BLOIS. 

He  'd  not  take  the  life  of  a  flea !  — 
Kind,  tendei%  forgiving 
To  all  things  living, 
From  injury  still  he  'd  endeavour  to  screen  'em, 
Fish,  flesh,  or  fowl,  —  no  difference  between  'em  — 
Nihil  putavit  a  se  alienum. 

The  Bishop  of  Blois  was  a  holy  man, — 

A  holy  man  was  he ! 
For  Holy  Church 
He  'd  seek  and  he  'd  search 

As  a  Bishop  in  his  degree. 
From  foe  and  from  friend 
He'd  "rap  and  he'd  rend," 
To  augment  her  treasurie, 
Nought  would  he  give,  and  little  he  'd  lend, 
That  Holy  Church  might  have  more  to  spend  — 
"Count  Stephen"*  (of  Blois)  "was  a  worthy  Peer, 

His  breeches  cost  him  but  a  crown, 
He  held  them  sixpence  all  too  dear. 

And  so  he  call'd  the  Tailor  lown!" — 
Had  it  been  the  Bishop  instead  of  the  Count, 
A.nd  he  'd  overcharged  him  to  half  the  amount, 
He  had  knock'd  that  Tailor  down !  — 
Not  for  himself!  — 
He  despised  the  pelf; 
He  dress'd  in  sackcloth,  he  dined  ofi"  delf ; 
And,  when  it  was  cold,  in  lieu  of  a  siirtout, 
The  good  man  would  wrap  himself  up  in  his  virtue.f 

*  Teste  Messire  lago,  a  distinguished  subaltern  in  the  Venetian  service, 
circiter  A.  D.  1680.  His  Biographer,  Mr.  William  Shakspeare,  a  contempo- 
rary writer  of  some  note,  makes  him  say  "  King  Stephen,"  inasmuch  as  the 
"  worthy  peer"  subsequently  usurped  the  crown  of  England.  The  anachro- 
nism is  a  pardonable  one.  —  3Ir.  SimpHnson  of  liath. 

■•{ Mea 

Yirtute  me  involvo. —  IIOR. 


THE    LAY    OF    ST.  ALOTt'S. 

Alack !  that  a  man  so  holy  as  he. 

So  frank  and  free  in  his  degree, 

And  so  good  and  so  kind,  should  mortal  be ! 

Yet  so  it  is  —  for  loud  and  clear 

From  St.  Nicholas'  towei",  on  the  list'ning  ear, 

With  solemn  swell, 

The  deep-ton' i  bell 
Flings  to  the  gale  a  funeral  knell; 

And  hark!  —  at  its  sound, 

As  a  cunning  old  hound, 
When  he  opens,  at  once  causes  all  the  you.ng  whelps 
Of  the  cry  to  put  in  their  less  dignified  yelps, 

So  — the  httle  bells  all, 

No  matter  how  small, 
From  the  steeples  both  inside  and  outside  the  wall, 

With  bell-metal  throat 

Respond  to  the  note, 
And  join  the  lament  that  a  prelate  so  pious  is 
Forced  thus  to  leave  his  disconsolate  diocese, 

Or,  as  Blois'  Lord  May'r 

Is  heard  to  declare, 
*<  Should  leave  this  here  world  for  to  go  to  that  there." 

And  see,  the  portals  opening  wide. 
From  the  Abbey  flows  the  living  tide ; 

Forth  from  the  doors 

The  torrent  pours. 
Acolytes,  Monks,  and  Friars  in  scores, 
This  with  his  chasuble,  that  with  his  rosary. 
This  from  his  incense-pot  turning  his  nose  awry, 

Holy  Father,  and  Holy  Mother, 

Holy  Sister,  and  Holy  Brother, 

Holy  Son,  and  Holy  Daughtei:, 

Holy  Wafer,  and  Holy  Water ; 
Ev'ry  one  drest 

Like  a  guest  in  his  best. 


207 


2^  A    LEGEND    OF    BLOIS. 

In  the  smartest  of  clothes  they  're  permitted  to  wear, 
Serge,  sackcloth,  and  shirts  of  the  same  sort  of  hair 
As  now  we  make  use  of  to  stuff  an  arm-chair, 
Or  weave  into  gloves  at  three  shilUngs  a  pair, 
And  employ  for  shampooing  in  cases  rheumatic, 
Special  specific,  I  'm  told,  for  Sciatica. 

Through  groin'd  arch,  and  by  cloister'd  stone, 
With  mosses  and  ivy  long  o'ergrown, 

Slowly  the  throng 

Come  passing  along, 
With  many  a  chaunt  and  solemn  song, 
Adapted  for  holidays,  high-days,  and  Sundays, — 

Dies  tree,  and  De  profundis, 

Miserere,  and  Domine  dirige  nos, — 
Such  as,  I  hear,  to  a  very  slow  tune  are  all 
Commonly  chaunted  by  Monks  at  a  funeral, 

To  secure  the  defunct's  repose. 
And  to  give  a  broad  hint  to  Old  Nick,  should  the  news 
Of  a  prelate's  decease  bring  him  there  on  a  cruise, 
That  he  'd  better  be  minding  his  P's  and  his  Q's, 
And  not  come  too  near,  —  since  they  can,  if  they  choose, 
Make  him  shake  in  his  hoofs  —  as  he  does  not  wear  shoes. 

Still  on  they  go, 

A  goodly  show, 
With  footsteps  sure,  though  certainly  slow, 
Two  by  two,  in  a  very  long  row ; 

With  feathers,  and  Mutes 

In  mourning  suits, 
Undertaker's  men  walking  in  hat-bands  and  boots, — 
Then  comes  the  Crosier,  all  Jewels  and  gold, 
Borne  by  a  lad  about  eighteen  years  old 
Next,  on  a  black  velvet  cushion,  the  Mitre, 
Borne  by  a  younger  b'^v,  'cause  it  is  lighter. 
Eight  Franciscans,  sturdy  and  strong, 
Bear,  in  the  midst,  the  good  Bishop  along  j 


THE    LAY    OF    ST.  ALOYS.  209 

Eight  Franciscans,  stoui  and  tall. 

Walk  at  the  corners,  and  hold  up  the  pall ; 

Eight  more  hold  a  canopy  high  over  all. 
With  eight  Trumpeters  tooting  the  Dead  March  11  3aul.  — 
Behind,  as  Chief  Mourner,  the  Lord  Abbot  goes,  his 
Monks  coming  after  him,  all  with  posies, 
And  white  pocket-handkerchiefs  up  at  their  noses, 
Which  they  blow  whenever  his  Lordship  blows  his  — 

And  oh !  'tis  a  comely  sight  to  see 

How  Lords  and  Ladies,  of  high  degree. 

Vail,  as  they  pass,  upon  bended  knee. 
While  quite  as  polite  are  the  Squires  and  the  Knights, 
In  their  helmets,  and  hauberks,  and  cast-iron  tights. 

Ay,  'tis  a  comely  sight  to  behold, 
As  the  company  march 
Through  the  rounded  arch 
Of  that  Cathedral  old!  — 
Singers  behind  'em,  and  singers  before  'em. 
All  of  them  ranging  in  due  decorum, 
Around  the  inside  of  the  Sanctum  Sanctorum, 
While,  brilliant  and  bright, 
An  unwonted  hght 
(I  forgot  to  premise  this  was  all  done  at  night) 
The  links,  and  the  torches,  and  flambeaux  shed 
On  the  sculptured  forms  of  the  Mighty  Dead, 
That  rest  below,  mostly  buried  in  lead, 
And  above,  recumbent  in  grim  repose, 
With  their  mailed  hose. 
And  their  dogs  at  their  toes. 
And  little  boys  kneeling  beneath  them  in  rows, 
Their  hands  join'd  in  pray'r,  all  in  very  long  clothes, 
With  inscriptions  on  brass,  begging  each  who  survives, 
As  they  some  of  them  seem  to  have  led  so-so  lives. 
To  ^caic  tor  tt)C  Sotolcs  of  themselves  and  their  wives.  — 
18* 


210  A    LEGEND    OF    BLOIS. 

—  The  effect  of  the  music,  too,  really  was  tine, 
When  they  let  the  good  prelate  down  into  his  shrine, 

And  by  old  and  young 

The  ^Requiem''  was  sung; 
Not  vernacular  French,  but  a  classical  tongue, 
That  is— Latin  — I  don't  think  they  meddled  with  Greek 
In  short,  the  whole  thing  produced  —  so  to  speak  — 
What  in  Blois  they  would  call  a  Coup  d'ceil  magnifique! 

Yet,  surely,  when  the  level  ray 

Of  some  mild  eve's  descending  sun 
Lights  on  the  village  pastor,  grey 

In  years  ere  ours  had  well  begun  — 

As  there  —  in  simplest  vestment  clad. 
He  speaks,  beneath  the  churchyard  tree, 

In  solemn  tones,  —  but  yet  not  sad, — 
Of  what  Man  is  —  what  Man  shall  be! 

And  clustering  round  the  grave,  half  hid 
By  that  same  quiet  churchyard  yew. 

The  rustic  mourners  bend,  to  bid 
The  dust  they  loved  a  last  adieu  — 

—  That  ray,  methinks,  that  rests  so  sheen 
Upon  each  briar-bound  hillock  green, 
So  calm,  so  tranquil,  so  serene. 
Gives  to  the  eye  a  fairer  scene, — 
Speaks  to  the  heart  with  holier  breath 
Than  all  this  pageantry  of  death. — 

But  Chacun  d  son  gout  —  this  is  talking  at  random 

We  all  know  "  />e  gustibus  non  disputandum  /" 

So  canter  back.  Muse,  to  the  scene  of  your  story, 

The  Cathedral  of  Blois  — 

Where  the  sainted  Aloys 
Is  by  this  time,  you'll  find,  "left  alone  in  his  glory," 
"In  the  dead  of  the  night,"  though  with  labour  opprest. 


THE    LAY    OF    ST.  ALOYS. 


211 


Some  "mortals"  disdain  "the  calm  blessings  of  rest," 

Your  cracksman,  for  instance,  thinks  night-time  the  best 

To  break  open  a  door,  or  the  lid  of  a  chest ; 

And  the  gipsy  who  close  round  your  premises  prowls, 

To  ransack  your  hen-roost,  and  steal  all  your  fowls, 

Always  sneaks  out  at  night  with  the  bats  and  the  owls, 

—  So  do  Witches  and  Warlocks,  Ghosts,  Goblins,  and  Ghoult 

To  say  nothing  at  all  of  those  troublesome  "  Swells" 

Who  come  from  the  playhouses,  "flash-kens,"  and  "hells," 

To  pull  off  people's  knockers,  and  ring  people's  bells. 

Well  —  'tis  now  the  hour 

111  things  have  power! 
And  all  who,  in  Blois,  entertain  honest  views, 
Have  long  been  in  bed,  and  enjoying  a  snooze, — 

Nought  is  waking 

Save  Mischief,  and  "Faking,"* 
And  a  few  who  arc  sitting  up  brewing  or  baking. 
When  an  ill-looking  Infidel,  sallow  of  hue, 
Who  stands  in  his  slippers  some  six  feet  two 
(A  rather  remarkable  height  for  a  Jew), 
Creeps  cautiously  out  of  the  churchwarden's  pew. 
Into  which,  during  service,  he'd  managed  to  slide  himself - 
While  all  were  intent  on  the  anthem,  and  hide  himself. 

From  his  lurking  place, 

With  stealthy  pace, 
Through  the  "long-drawn  aisle"  he  begins  to  crawl, 
As  you  see  a  cat  walk  on  the  top  of  a  wall, 
When  it's  stuck  full  of  glass,  and  she  thinks  she  shall  fall. 

—  He  proceeds  to  feel 

For  his  flint  and  his  steel, 
(An  invention  on  which  we've  improved  a  great  deal 

*  "Nix  my  dolly,  pals,  Falce  away!" — words  of  deep  and  mysterious  inipoif 
in  the  anciect  lucguage  of  Upper  Egypt,  and  recently  inscribed  on  the  sacred 
standard  of  Mehemet  Ali,  They  are  supposed  to  intimate,  to  the  initiated  in 
the  art  of  Abstraction,  the  absence  of  all  human  observation,  and  to  suggest 
th<  propriety  of  making  the  best  use  of  their  time —  and  fingers. 


212 


A    LEGEND    OF    BLOIS. 


Of  late  years  —  the  substitute  best  to  rely  c.i 

's  what  Jones  of  the  Strand  calls  his  Pyrogeneion,) 

He  strikes  with  despatch!  —  his 

Tinder  catches !  — 
Now  where  is  his  candle?  —  and  where  are  his  matches ?- 

'Tis  done !  —  they  are  found !  — 

He  stands  up,  and  looks  round 
By  the  light  of  a  "dip"  of  sixteen  to  the  pound! 
— What  is  it  now  that  makes  his  nerves  to  quiver  ?  -  - 
His  hand  to  shake  —  and  his  limbs  to  shiver  ?  — 
Fear?  —  Pooh  ! — it  is  onl;-  a  touch  of  the  liver — 

All  is  silent  —  all   is  still  — 
It's  "gammon" — it's  stuff!" — he  may  do  Avhat  he  wil. 
Carefully  now  he  approaches  the  shrine, 
In  which,  as  I 've  mentioned  before,  about  nine, 
They  had  placed  in  such  state  the  lamented  Divine ! 
But  not  to  worship  —  No  ! — 'No  such  thing! — 
His  aim  is — to  "  prig  "  the  Pastoral  ring  ! ! 

Fancy  his  fright. 

When,  with  all  his  might 
Having  forced  up  the  lid,  which  they'd  not  fasten'd  quite 
Of  the  marble  sarcophagus —  "  All  in  white" 
The  dead  Bishop  started  up,  bolt  upright 
On  his  hinder  end,  —  and  grasp'd  him  so  tight, 

That  the  clutch  of  a  kite, 

Or  a  bull-dog's  bite 
When  he 's  most  provoked  and  in  bitterest  spite, 
May  well  be  conceived  in  comparison  slight, 
And  having  thus  "tackled"  him  —  blew  out  his  light! 

Oh,  dear!  Oh,  dear! 

The  fright  and  the  fear  ! 
No  one  to  hear ! —  nobody  near  I 
In  the  dead  of  the  night !" — at  a  bad  time  of  year  f— 
A  defunct  Bishop  squatting  upright  on  his  bier, 
And  shouting  so  loud,  that  the  drum  of  his  eai' 


THE    LAY    OF    ST.  ALOYS.  213 

He  (hought  would  have  split  as  these  awful  words  met  it — 
"Ah,  ha!  my  good  friend! — don't  you  wish  you  may  get 

IT?"  — 

Oh,  dear!  Oh,  dear! 

'Twos  a  night  of  fear! 
—  I  should  just  like  to  know^  if  the  boldest  man  here, 
In  his  situation,  would  not  have  felt  queer  ? 

The  wretched  man  bawls, 

And  he  yells,  and  he  squalls. 
But  there's  nothing  responds  to  his  shrieks  save  the  walls, 
And  the  desk,  and  the  pulpit,  the  pews,  and  the  stalls 

Held  firmly  at  bay, 

Kick  and  plunge  as  he  may. 
His  struggles  are  fruitless  —  he  can't  get  away, 
He  really  can't  tell  what  to  do  or  to  say, 
And  being  a  Pagan,  don't  know  how  to  pray ; 
Till  throvigh  the  east  window,  a  few  streaks  of  grey 
Ajinounce  the  approach  of  the  dawn  of  the  day ! 

Oh,  a  welcome  sight 

Is  the  rosy  light, 
Which  lovelily  heralds  a  morning  bright, 
Above  all  to  a  wretch  kept  in  durance  all  night 
By  a  horrid  dead  gentleman  holding  him  tight, — 
Of  all  sorts  of  gins  that  a  trespasser  can  trap^ 
The  most  disagreeable  kind  of  a  man-trap ! 

—  Oh  I  welcome  that  bell's 

Matin  chime,  which  tells 
To  one  caught  in  this  worst  of  all  possible  snares, 
That  the  hour  is  arrived  to  begin  Morning  Prayers, 
And  the  monks  and  the  friars  are  coming  down  stairs ! 

Conceive  the  surprise 

Of  the  Choir  —  how  their  eyes 
Are  distended  to  twice  their  ox'iginal  size, — 
How  some  begin  bless, —  some  anathematize, — 
And  all  look  on  the  thief  as  old  Nick  in  disguise. 


214 


A    LEGEND    OP    BLOIS. 


While  the  mystified  Abbot  cries,  "Well !  —  I  declare  !  — 

—  This  is  really  a  very  mysterious  affair !  — 

Bid  the  bandy-legg'd  Sexton  go  run  for  the  May'r!'^ 

The  May'r  and  his  suite 

Are  soon  on  their  feel, — 
(His  worship  kept  house  in  the  very  same  street, — ) 

At  once  he  awakes, 

"His  compliments"  makes, 
'* He'll  be  up  at  the  Church  in  a  couple  of  shakes!" 
Meanwhile  the  whole  convent  is  pulling  and  hauling, 

And  bawling  and  squalling, 

And  terribly  mauling 
The  thief  whose  endeavour  to  follow  his  calling 
ffad  thus  brought  him  into  a  grasp  so  enthralling. — 

Now  high,  now  low. 

They  drag  "to  and  fro," — 
Now  this  way,  now  that  way  they  twist  him  —  but  —  No !  — 
The  glazed  eye  of  St.  Aloys  distinctly  says  "  Poh  ! 
"  You  may  pull  as  you  please,  I  shall  not  let  him  go !" 
Ilay,  more; — when  his  Worship  at  length  came  to  say 
He  was  perfectly  ready  to  take  him  away, 
A.nd  fat  him  to  grace  the  next  Auto-da-fe, 

Still  closer  he  prest 

The  poor  wretch  to  his  breast, 
VVhile  a  voice  —  though  his  jaws  still  together  were  jamm'ti — 

Was  heard  from  his  chest,  "  If  you  do,  I'll "  here  slatam'd 

The  great  door  of  the  Church,  —  with  so  awful  a  sound 
Vliat  the  close  of  the  good  Bishop's  sentence  was  drowu't  i 

Out  spake  Frere  Jehati, 
A  pitiful  man, 

Oh !  a  pitiful  man  was  he  ! 
And  he  wept  and  he  pined 
For  the  sins  of  mankind, 

As  a  Friar  in  his  degree. 


TUE    LAY    OF    ST.    ALOYS.  21ft 

'*  Remcmbci-,  good  gentlefolks,"  so  lie  began. 
•'  Dear  Aloys  was  always  a  pitiful  man  !  — 

That  voice  from  his  chest 

Has  clearly  exprest 
He  has  pardon'd  the  culprit  —  and  as  for  the  rest, 
Before  you  shall  burn  him  —  he'll  see  you  all  blest!" 

The  Monks,  and  the  Abbot,  the  Sexton,  and  Clerk 
Were  exceedingly  struck  with  the  Friar's  remark, 
And  the  Judge,  who  himself  was  by  no  means  a  shark 
Of  a  Lawyer,  and  who  did  not  do  things  in  the  dark, 
But  still  lean'd  (having  once  been  himself  a  gay  spark,} 
To  the  merciful  side, — like  the  late  Alan  Park,- 

Agreed  that,  indeed. 

The  best  way  to  succeed, 
And  by  which  this  poor  caitiff  alone  could  be  freed, 
Would  be  to  absolve  him,  and  grant  a  free  pardon. 
On  a  certain  condition,  and  that  not  a  hard  one, 
Viz. — "  That  he,  the  said  Infidel,  straightway  should  ope 
His  mind  to  conviction,  and  worship  the  Pope, 
And  '  ev'ry  man  Jack '  in  an  amice  or  cope ; 

And  that,  to  do  so, 

He  she  aid  forthwith  go 
To  Rome,  and  salute  there  his  Holiness'  toe; — 

And  never  again 

Read  Voltaire  or  Tom  Paine, 
Or  Percy  Bysshe  Shelley  or  Lord  Byron's  Cain;-  • 
His  pilgrimage  o'er,  take  St.  Francis's  habit ; — 
If  anything  lay  about,  never  to  '  nab '  it ; — 
Or,  at  worst,  if  he  should  light  on  articles  gone  astray, 
To  be  sure  and  deposit  them  safe  in  the  Monast'ry !" 

The  oath  he  took  — 

— As  he  kiss'd  the  book. 
Nave,  transept,  and  aisle  with  a  thunder-claf  shook ! 
The  Bishop  sank  down  with  a  satisfied  look, 


216  A    LEGEND    OF    BI.OIS. 

And  the  Thief,  released 
By  the  Saint  deceased, 
Fell  into  the  arms  of  a  neighbouring  Priest  I 

It  skills  not  now 

To  tell  you  how 
The  transmogrified  Pagan  perform'd  his  vow  ; 

How  he  quitted  his  home, 

Travell'd  to  Rome, 
And  went  to  St.  Peter's  and  look'd  at  the  Dome, 
And  obtain'd  from  the  Pope  an  assurance  of  bliss. 
And  kiss'd — whatever  he  gave  him  to  kiss 
Toe,  relic,  embroidery,  nought  came  amiss ; 

And  how  Pope  Urban 

Had  the  man's  turban 
Hung  up  in  the  Sistine  chapel,  by  way 
Of  a  reUc  —  and  how  it  hangs  there  to  this  day. — 

Suffice  it  to  tell. 

Which  will  do  quite  as  well, 
That  the  whole  of  the  Convent  the  miracle  saw 
.And  the  Abbot's  report  was  sufficient  to  draw 
Ev'ry  bon  Catholique  in  la  belle  France  to  Blois, 
Among  others,  the  Monarch  himself,  Fran9ois, 
The  Archbishop  of  llheims,  and  his  "  Pious  Jack-daw,'*  * 
And  there  was  not  a  man  in  Church,  Chapel,  or  Meeting-hous? 
Still  less  in  Cabaret,  Hotel,  or  Eating-house, 

But  made  an  oration, 

And  said,  "  In  the  nation 
If  ever  a  man  deserved  canonization, 
It  was  the  kind,  pitiful,  pious  Aloys." — 

So  the  Pope  says,  —  says  he, 

"Then  a  Saint  he  shall  be!" — 
So  he  made  him  a  Saint,  —  and  remitted  the  fee. 

Wha*  became  of  the  Pagan  I  really  can't  say; 

*  Yidt  Ingoldnby  Legends  (First  Series),  pag«  21/, 


THE    r.AY    OF    ST.  ALOYS.  217 

But  I  think  I've  been  told, 

When  he'd  enter'd  their  fold, 
And  was  now  a  Franciscan  some  twenty  days  old, 
He  got  up  one  fine  morning  before  break  of  day, 
Put  the  Pyx  in  his  pocket  —  and  then  ran  away. 


Moral. 

I  think  we  may  coax  out  a  moral  or  two 
From  the  facts  which  have  lately  come  under  our  view. 
First  —  don't  meddle  with  Saints  I — for  you'll  find  if  you  do, 
They're  what  Scotch  people  call,  "kittle  cattle  to  shoe  I" 
And  when  once  they  have  managed  to  take  you  in  tow, 
It 's  a  deuced  hard  matter  to  make  them  let  go ! 

Now  to  you,  wicked  Pagans!  — who  wander  about. 

Up  and  down  Regent  Street  every  night,  "  on  the  scout," — 

Recollect  the  Police  keep  a  sharpish  look-out, 

iijid,  if  once  you  're  suspected,  your  skirts  they  will  stick  to 

Till  they  catch  you  at  last  in  flagrante  delicto  ! — 

Don't  the  inference  draw 

That  because  he  of  Blois 
k^uflFer'd  one  to  bilk  "  Old  father  Antic  the  Law," 
That  our  May'rs  and  our  Aldermen — and  we've  a  City  full- 
Show  themselves,  at  our  Guildhall,  quite  so  pitiful ! 

Lastly,  as  to  the  Pagan  who  play'd  such  a  trick. 
First  assuming  the  tonsure,  then  cutting  his  stick, 
There  is  but  one  thing  which  occurs  to  me  —  that 
Is,  — Don't  give  too  much  credit  to  people  who  "  rat!" 

—  Never  forget 

Early  habit's  a  net 
Which  entangles  us  all,  more  or  less,  in  its  mesh ; 
And  "What's  bred  in  the  bone  won't  come  out  of  the  flesh!" 
19 


218  A    LEGEND    OF    Br/)IS. 

We  must  all  be  aware  Nature's  prone  to  rebel,  as 
Old  Juvenal  tells  us,  NaLuram  expeUas, 

Tamen  usque  recurret ! 

There's  no  making  Her  rat! 
iiO  that  all  that  I  have  on  this  head  to  advance 
Is.  —  whatever  they  think  of  these  matters  in  France, 
There 's  a  proverb,  the  truth  of  which  each  one  allows  here, 

**Y0U  NEV^EB  CAN  MAKE  A  SILK  PURSE  OF  A  SOW'S  EAu!" 


In  the  succeeding  Legend  we  come  nearer  home. — 
Father  Ingoldsby  is  particular  in  describing  its  locality, 
situate  some  eight  miles  from  the  Hall  —  less,  if  you  take 
the  bridle-road  by  the  Church-yard,  and  so  along  the 
valley  by  Mr.  Fector's  Abbey.  —  In  the  enumeration  of 
the  various  attempts  to  appropriate  the  treasure  (drawn 
from  a  later  source),  is  omitted  one,  said  to  have  been 
undertaken  by  the  worthy  ecclesiastic  himself,  who,  as 
Mrs.  Botherby  insinuates,  is  reported  to  have  started  foi 
Dover,  one  fine  morning,  duly  furnished  with  all  tht 
means  and  appliances  of  Exorcism.  —  I  cannot  learn, 
however,  that  the  family  was  ever  enriched  by  his  expe- 
dition. 


THE  LAY  OF  THE  OLD  WOMAN  CLOTHED 
IN  GREY. 

A    LEGEND   OP    DOVER. 

(yjc  c  there  lived,  as  I  've  heard  people  say, 
An  "  Old  Woman  clothed  in  grey," 

So  furrow'd  with  care, 

So  haggard  her  air. 
In  her  eye  such  a  wild  supernatural  stare, 

That  all  who  espied  her 

Immediately  shied  her 
And  strove  to  get  out  of  her  way. 

This  fearsome  Old  Woman  was  taken  ill : 

—  She  sent  for  the  Doctor  —  he  sent  her  a  pill, 

And  by  way  of  a  trial, 

A  two-shilling  phial, 
Of  green-looking  fluid,  like  lava  diluted, 
To  which  I  've  profess'd  an  abhorrence  most  rooted.* 
One  of  those  draughts  they  so  commonly  send  us, 
Labell'd  ^^  Ilaustus  calharticus,  mane  sumendus  :^' — 

She  made  a  wry  face. 

And,  without  saying  Grace, 
Toss'd  it  off  like  a  dram  —  it  improved  not  her  case. 

—  The  Leech  came  again; 

He  now  open'd  a  vein, 
Still  the  little  Old  Woman  continued  in  pain. 
So  her  <' Medical  Man,"  although  loth  to  distress  her, 
Conceived  it  high  time  that  her  Father  Confessor 
Should  be  sent  for  to  shrive,  and  assoilize,  and  bless  her, 

*  Vide  page  it 

(21») 


220  A    LEGEND    OF    DOVER. 

That  slie  might  not  slip  out  of  these  troublesome  scenes 
**  Unanneal'd  and  Unhousel'd," — whatever  that  means.* 

Growing  afraid, 

He  calls  to  his  aid 
A  bandy-legg'd  neighbour,  a  "  Tailor  by  trade,'' -^ 

Tells  him  his  fears, 

Bids  him  lay  by  his  shears, 
Ilis  thimble,  his  goose,  and  his  needle,  and  hie 
With  all  possible  speed  to  the  Convent  hard  by, 

Requests  him  to  say 

That  he  begs  they  '11  all  pray, 
Viz :  The  whole  pious  brotherhood.  Cleric  and  Lay, 
For  the  soul  of  an  Old  Woman  clothed  in  grey. 
Who  was  just  at  that  time  in  a  very  bad  way, 
And  he  really  believed  couldn't  last  out  the  day; 

And  to  state  his  desire 

That  some  erudite  Friar. 
Would  run  over  at  once,  and  examine,  and  try  her ; 

For  he  thought  he  would  find 

There  was  "something  behind," 
A  something  that  weigh'd  on  the  Old  Woman's  mind,-  — 
*'  In  fact  he  was  sure,  from  what  fell  from  her  tongue, 
That  this  little  Old  Woman  had  done  something  wrong." 
—  Then  he  wound  up  the  whole  with  this  hint  to  the  man, 
*<  Mind  and  pick  out  as  holy  a  friar  as  you  can  I" 


Alack  for  poor  William  Linley  to  settle  the  point!  His  elucidation  cf 
Macbeth's  "  Ilurlyburly"  casts  a  halo  around  his  memory.  In  him  the 
■world  lost  one  of  its  kindliest  Spirits,  and  the  Garrick  Ciub  its  acutest 
commentator. 

|-  All  who  are  familiar  with  the  Police  Reports,  and  other  Records  of  our 
Courts  of  justice,  will  recollect  that  eyery  gentleman  of  'his  particular 
profej'sion  invariably  thus  describes  himself,  in  contradir '"ffon  to  tb» 
Bricklayer,  whom  he  probably  presumes  to  be  indigenous,  a^*x  U  tbo  Shoe- 
maker, horn  a  Snob. 


THE    OT,T>    WOMAN    CLOTHED    IN    GREY.  221 

Now  I'd  have  you  to  know 

That  this  story  of  woe, 
Which  I'ni  telling  you,  happened  a  long  time  ago; 
I  can'i  say  exactly  how  long,  nor,  I  own, 
What  particular  monarch  was  then  on  the  throne, 
But  'twas  here  in  Old  England ;  and  all  that  one  knows  is. 
It  must  have  preceded  the  Wars  of  the  Roses.* 

Inasmuch  as  the  times 

Described  in  these  rhymes, 
Were  as  fruitful  in  virtues  as  ours  are  in  crimes ; 

And  if  'mongst  the  Laity 

Unseemly  gaiety 
Sometimes  betray'd  an  occasional  taint  or  two, 

At  once  all  the  Clerics 

Went  into  hysterics, 
Wliile  scarcely  a  convent  but  boasted  its  Saint  or  two ; 
So  it  must  have  been  long  ere  the  line  of  the  Tudors, 

As  since  then  the  breed 

Of  Saints  rarely  indeed 
With  their  dignified  presence  have  darken'd  our  pew-doors. 

—  Hence  the  late  Mr.  Froude,  and  the  live  Dr.  Pusey 
We  moderns  consider  as  each  worth  a  Jew's  eye ; 
Though  Wiseman  and  Dullmanf  combine  against  Newman, 
With  Doctors  and  Proctors,  and  say  he 's  no  true  man. 

—  But  this  by  the  way.  —  The  Convent  I  speak  about 

Had  Saints  in  scores  —  they  said  Mass  week  and  week  about ; 
And  the  two  now  on  duty  were  each,  for  their  piety, 
'*  Second  to  none"  in  that  holy  society, 

*  "  An  antient  and  most  pugnacious  family,"  says  our  Bath  Friend.  "On# 
of  their  descendants,  George  Rose,  Esq.,  late  M.P.  for  Christchurch  (an  elderly 
pentleman  now  defunct),  was  equally  celebrated  for  his  vocal  abilities  and 
his  wanton  destruction  of  furniture  when  in  a  state  of  excitement.  —  "  Sinjf, 
old  Rose,  and  burn  the  bellows!"  has  grown  into  a  proverb. 

t  The  worthy  Jesuit's  polemical  publisher.— T  am  not  quite  sure  as  to  the 
orthogr^phv ;  it's  idem  sonans,  at  all  events. 
19* 


221^  A    LEGEND    OF    DOVER. 

And  well  might  have  borne 

Those  words  Avhich  are  worn 
By  our  ^^  JVulli  Seciindus"  Club  —  poor  dear  lost  muttons.—' 
Of  Guardsmen — on  Club  days,  inscribed  on  their  buttons. — 

They  would  read,  write,  and  speak 

Latin,  Hebrew,  and  Greek, 
A.  radi!?li-bunch  munch  for  a  lunch. —  or  a  leek ; 

Though  scoffers  and  boobies 

Ascribe  certain  rubies 
Tliat  garnifeh'd  the  nose  of  the  good  Father  Hilary 
To  the  overmuch  use  of  Canary  and  Sillery, 
—  Some  said  spirituous  compounds  of  viler  distillery  — 

Ah!  little  reck'd  they 

That  with  Friars,  who  say 
Fifty  Paters  a  night,  and  a  hundred  a  day, 
A  very  slight  sustenance  goes  a  great  way  — 
Thus  the  consequence  was  that  his  colleague,  Basilius, 
Won  golden  opinions,  by  looking  more  bilious, 
From  all  who  conceived  strict  monastical  duty 
By  no  means  conducive  to  personal  beauty : 
And  being  more  meagre,  and  thinner,  and  paler. 
He  was  snapt  up  at  once  by  the  bandy-legg'd  Tailor. 

The  latter's  concern 

For  a  speedy  return 
Scarce  left  the  Monk  time  to  put  on  stouter  sandals, 
Or  go  round  to  his  shrines,  and  snuff  all  his  Saint's  candles; 
Still  less  had  he  leisure  to  change  the  hair-shirt  he 
Had  worn  the  last  twenty  years  —  probably  thirty, — 
Which  not  being  wash'd  all  that  time,  had  giown  dirty. 

—  It  seems  there's  a  sin  in 

The  wearing  clean  linen. 
Which  Friars  must  eschew  at  the  very  beginning. 
Though  it  makes  them  look  frowsy,  and  droAvsy,  and  blowsy, 
And  —  a  rhyme  modern  etiquette  never  allows  ye. — 


THE   OLD    WOMAN    CLOTHED    IN    GREY.  223 

rVs  for  the  rest, 

E'en  if  time  liad  not  prcst, 
h  didn't  nmch  matter  how  Basil  was  drest, 
^for  could  there  be  any  great  need  for  adorning, 
The  Night  V.eing  almost  at  odds  with  the  Morning. 

<TTi !  sweet  and  beautiful  is  Night,  when  the  silver  Moon  is  high, 
And  countless  Stars,  like  clustering  gems,  hang  sparkling  in 

the  sky, 
While  the  balmy  breath  of  the  summer  breeze  comes  whispering 

down  the  glen. 
And  one  fond  voice  alone  is  heard  —  oh!  Night  is  lovely  then! 
But  when  that  voice,  in  feeble  moans  of  sickness  and  of  pain, 
But  mocks  the  anxious  ear  that  strives  to  catch  its  sounds  in 

vain, — 
When  silently  we  watch  the  bed,  by  the  taper's  flickering  light, 
Where  all  we  love  is  fading  fast  —  how  terrible  is  Night! ! 

More  terrible  jei, 

If  you  happen  to  get 
By  an  old  woman's  bedside,  who,  all  her  life  long. 
Has  been,  what  the  vulgar  call  "coming  it  strong'' 
In  all  sorts  of  ways  that  are  naughty  and  wrong. — 

As  Confessions  are  sacred,  it's  not  very  facile 
To  ascertain  what  the  old  hag  said  to  Basil ; 

But  whatever  she  said, 

It  fill'd  him  with  dread. 
And  made  all  his  hair  stand  on  end  on  his  head, — 
No  great  feat  to  perform,  inasmuch  as  said  hair 
Being  clipp'd  by  the  tonsure,  his  crown  was  left  bare. 
So  of  course  Father  Basil  had  little  to  spare ; 

But  the  little  he  had 

Seem'd  as  though 't  had  gone  mad. 
Each  lock,  as  by  action  galvanic,  uprears 
In  the  two  little  tufts  on  the  tops  of  his  esirs. — 

What  the  old  woman  said 

That  so  "fill'd  him  with  dread," 


224  A    LEGEND    OF    DOVER. 

We  should  never  have  known  any  more  than  the  dead, 
If  the  bandy-legg'd  Tailor,  his  errand  thus  sped, 
Had  gone  quietly  back  to  his  needle  and  thread, 

As  he  ought;  but  instead, 

Curiosity  led, — 
A  feeling  "wc  all  deem  extremely  ill-bred,  — 
He  contrived  to  secrete  himself  under  the  bed ! 

—  Not  that  he  heard 

One  half,  or  a  third 
Of  what  pass'd  as  the  Monk  and  the  Patient  conferred, 
But  he  here  and  there  managed  to  pick  up  a  word, 

Such  as  "  Knife," 

And  "Life," 
And  he  thought  she  said  "Wife," 
And  "Money,"  that  source  of  all  evil  and  strife;"* 
Then  he  plainly  distinguish'd  the  words  "Gore,"  and  "Gash," 
Whence  he  deem'd  —  and  I  don't  think  his  inference  rash  — 
She  had  cut  some  one's  throat  for  the  sake  of  his  cash ! 

Intermix'd  with  her  moans. 

And  her  sighs,  and  her  groans. 
Enough  to  have  melted  the  hearts  of  the  stones. 
Came  at  intervals  Basil's  sweet,  soft,  silver  tones, 
For  somehow  it  happen'd  —  I  can't  tell  you  why  — 
The  good  Friar's  indignation,  —  at  first  rather  high,  — 
To  judge  from  the  language  he  used  in  reply. 
Ere  the  Old  Woman  ceased,  had  a  good  deal  gone  by ; 
And  he  gently  address'd  her  in  accents  of  honey, 
"Daughter,  don't  you  despair ?  — WHAT 'S  BECOME  OF  THE 

MONEY  ?" 
In  one  just  at  death's  door,  it  was  really  absurd 
To  see  how  her  eye  lighted  up  at  that  word  — 
Indeed  there  's  not  one  in  the  language  that  I  know, 
(Save    its    synonyms    "Spanish,"    "Blunt,"    "Stumpy,"   and 
"Rhino,") 

*  Effodiuntur  Opes  Irritainenta  Maloruin. 

Liu,v's  Grammar. 


jf 


THE    OLD    WOMAX    CLOTUED    IN    O'REY.  225 

Which  acts  so  direct, 

And  with  so  much  effect 
On  the  human  senaorium,  or  makes  one  erect 
One's  ears  so,  as  soon  as  the  sound  we  detect  — 

It's  a  question  with  me 

Which  of  the  three, 
Father  Basil  himself,  though  a  grave  S.  T.  P. 
(Such  as  he  have,  you  see,  the  degree  of  D.D.  j 
Or  the  eaves-dropping,  bandy-legg'd  Tailor,  —  or  She 
Caught  it  quickest  —  however  ti-aditions  agree 
That  the  Old  Woman  perk'd  up  as  brisk  as  a  bee,  — 

'Twas  the  last  quivering  flare  of  the  taper,  — the  fire 

It  so  often  emits  when  about  to  expire ! 

Her  excitement  began  the  same  instant  to  flag, 

She  sank  back,  and  whisper'd  "  Safe!  —  Safe  !  in  tlie  Bag!  !** 

Now  I  would  not  by  any  means  have  you  suppose 

That  the  good  Father  Basil  was  just  one  of  those 

Who  entertain  views 

We  're  so  apt  to  abuse, 
As  neither  befitting  Turks,  Christians,  nor  Jews, 

Who  haunt  death-bed  scenes. 

By  underhand  means 
To  toady  or  teaze  people  out  of  a  legacy, — 
For  few  folk,  indeed,  had  such  good  right  to  beg  as  he, 
Since  Rome,  in  her  pure  Apostolical  beauty, 
Not  only  permits,  but  enjoins,  as  a  duty, 

Her  sons  to  take  care 

That,  let  who  will  be  heir. 
The  Pontifi"  shall  not  be  choused  out  of  his  share. 
Nor  stand  any  such  mangling  of  chattels  and  goods. 
As,  they  say,  vas  the  case  with  the  late  Jemmy  Wood's: 
Her  Conclaves,  and  Councils,  and  Synods  in  short  main 
-tain  principles  adverse  to  statutes  of  M')rtviain  ; 

Besides  you'll  discern 

It.  at  once,  when  you  learn 


226  A    LEGEND    OF    DOVER. 

That  Basil  had  something  to  give  in  return, 
Since  it  rested  with  him  to  say  how  she  should  burn, 
Nay,  as  to  her  ill-gotten  wealth,  should  she  turn  it  all 
To  uses  he  named,  he  could  say,  "You  shan't  burn  at  all.. 

Or  nothing  to  signify. 

Not  what  you  'd  dignify 
So  much  as  even  to  call  it  a  roast. 
But  a  mere  little  singeing,  or  scorching  at  most,  — 
What  many  would  think  not-  unpleasantly  warm,  — 
Just  to  keep  up  appearance — mere  matter  of  form." 

All  this  in  her  ear 

He  declared,  but  J  fear 
That  her  senses  were  wand'ring  —  she  seem'd  not  to  hear. 
Or,  at  least,  understand,  —  for  mere  unmeaning  talk  her 
Parch'd     lips     babbled     now, — such      as     "Hookey!"' — and 

"Walker!" 
—  She  expired,  with  her  last  breath  expressing  a  doubt 
If  "his  Mother  were  fully  aware  he  was  out?" 

Now  it  seems  there's  a  place  they  call  Purgat'17  —  so 

I  must  write  it,  my  verse  not  admitting  the  0  — 

But,  as  for  the  venue,  I  vow  I'm  perplext 

To  say  if  it's  in  this  world,  or  if  in  the  next — 

Or  whether  in  both  —  for  'tis  very  well  known 

That  St,  Patrick,  at  least,  has  got  one  of  his  own, 

In  a  "tight  little  Island"  that  stands  in  a  Lake 

CaU'd    "Lough-dearg"  — that's    "The    Red   Lake,"   unless   I 

mistake,  — 
Ii  Fermanagh  —  or  Antrim  —  or  Donegal  —  which 

I  declare  I  can't  tell. 

But  I  know  very  well 
It's  in  latitude  54,  nearly  their  pitch 
(At  Tappington,  now,  I  could  look  in  the  Gazetteer, 
But  I'm  out  on  a  visit,  and  nobody  has  it  here). 

There  are  some,  I'm  aware, 

Who  don't  stick  to  declare 
There's  "no  differ"  at  all  'twixt  "this  here"  and  "that  there," 


THE    OLD    WOMAN    CLOTHED    IN    GREY.  22? 

That  it's  all  the  same  place,  but  the  Saint  reserves  his  entry 
For  the  separate  use  of  the  "finest  of  pisentry," 

And  that  his  is  no  more 

Than  a  mere  private  door 
From  the  rez-de-chaussee,  —  as  some  call  the  ground  floor,  — 
To  the  one  which  the  Pope  hail  found  out  long  before. 

But  no  matter  —  lay 

The  locale  where  you  may ; 
—  And  where  it  is  no  one  exactly  can  say  — 
There 's  one  thing,  at  least,  which  is  known  very  well, 
That  it  acts  as  a  Tap-room  to  Satan's  Hotel. 

*'  Entertainment"  there 's  worse 

Both  for  "Man  and  for  Horse:" 

For  broiUng  the  souls 

They  use  Lord  Mayor's  coals ;  — 
Then  the  sulphur's  inferior,  and  boils  up  much  slower 
Than  the  fine  fruity  brimstone  they  give  you  down  lower: 

It's  by  no  means  so  strong—^ 

Mere  sloe-leaves  to  Souchong; 
The  "  prokers"  are  not  half  so  hot,  or  so  long, 
By  an  inch  or  two,  either  in  handle  or  prong ; 
The  Vipers  and  Snakes  are  less  sharp  in  the  tooth, 
And  the  Nondescript  Monsters  not  near  so  uncouth ; — 
In  short,  it's  a  place  the  good  Pope,  its  creator. 
Made  for  what's  called  by  Cockneys  a  "  Minor  The-4tre." 
Better  suited,  of  course,  for  a  "minor  performer," 
Than  the  "  Holise,"  that's  so  much  better  lighted  and  wa'-^ntr. 
Below,  in  that  queer  place  which  nobody  mentions,  — 

— You  understand  where 

I  don't  question  —  down  there 
^Vhere,  in  lieu  of  wood  blocks,  and  such  modern  inventions. 
The  Paving  Commissioners  use  "Good  Intentions," 
Materials  which  here  would  be  thought  on  by  few  men, 
With  so  many  founts  of  Asphaltic  bitumen 
At  hand,  at  the  same  time  to  pave  and  illumine. 


22if  A    LEGEND    OF    DOVER. 

To  go  on  with  my  story, 

This  same  Purga-toiy, 
(There,  I've  got  in  the  0,  to  my  Muse's  great  glory,) 
Is  close  lock'd,  and  the  Pope  keeps  the  kej^s  of  it — that  1  can 
Boldly  affirm  —  in  his  desk  in  the  Vatican; 

—  Not  those  of  St.  Peter— 

These  of  which  I  now  treat,  are 
A  bunch  by  themselves,  and  much  smaller  and  neater  — 
And  so  cleverly  made,  Mr.  Chubb  could  not  frame  a 
Key  better  contrived  for  its  purpose  —  nor  Bramah. 

Now  it  seems  that  by  these 

Most  miraculous  keys 
Not  only  the  Pope,  but  his  "clargy,"  with  ease 
Can  let  people  in  and  out,  just  as  they  please ; 
And  —  provided  you  "make  it  all  right"  about  fees, 
There  is  not  a  friar  Dr.  Wiseman  will  own,  of  them, 
But  cau  always  contrive  to  obtain  a  short  loan  of  them ; 

And  Basil,  no  doubt. 

Had  brought  matters  about, 
If  the  little  old  woman  would  but  have  "spoke  out," 
So  far  as  to  get  for  her  one  of  those  tickets. 
Or  passes,  which  clear  both  the  great  gates  and  wickets ; 

So  that  after  a  grill, 

Or  short  turn  on  the  Mill, 
And  with  no  worse  a  singeing,  to  purge  her  iniquity, 
Than  a  Freemason  gets  in  the  "Lodge  of  Antiquity," 

She'd  have  rubb'd  off  old  scores, 

Popp'd  out  of  doors, 
And  sheer'd  off  at  once  for  a  happier  port, 
Like  a  white-wash'd  Insolvent  that's  gone  through  ttic  Court." 

But  Basil  was  one 

Who  was  not  to  be  done 
By  any  one,  either  in  earnest  or  fun ; — 
The  cunning  old  beads-telhng  son  of  a  gun, 


THE    OLD    WOMAN'    CLOTHED    IN    GRET.  229 

In  all  bargains,  unless  he  'd  his  quid  for  his  quo, 
Would  shake  his  bald  pate,  and  pronounce  it  "No  Go." 

So,  unless  you're  a  dunce, 

You'll  see  clearly,  at  once. 
When  you  come  to  consider  the  facts  of  the  case,  he, 
Of  course  never  gave  her  his  Vade  in  pace; 
And  the  consequence  was,  when  the  last  mortal  throe 
Released  her  pale  Ghost  from  these  regions  of  woe, 
The  little  old  woman  had  no  where  to  go ! 

For,  what  could  she  do  ? 

She  very  well  knew 
[f  she  went  to  the  gates  I  have  mention'd  to  yoa, 
Without  Basil's,  or  some  other  passport  to  show 
The  Cheque-takers  never  would  let  her  go  through : 
While,  as  to  the  other  place,  e'en  had  she  tried  it, 
And  really  had  wish'd  it,  as  much  as  she  shied  it, 
(For  no  one  who  knows  what  it  is  can  abide  it,) 
Had  she  knock'd  at  the  portal  with  ne'er  so  much  din. 
Though  she  died  in,  what  folks  at  Rome  call,  "  Mortal  sin," 
Yet  Old  Nick,  for  the  life  of  him,  daren't  take  her  in, 
As  she'd  not  been  turn'd  formally  out  of  "the  pale; — " 
So  much  the  bare  name  of  the  Pope  made  him  quail. 
In  the  times  that  I  speak  of,  his  courage  would  fail 
Of  Rome's  vassals  the  lowest  and  worst  to  assail. 
Or  e'en  touch  with  so  much  as  the  end  of  his  tail ; 

Though,  now  he 's  grown  older. 

They  say  he 's  much  bolder, 
And  his  Holiness  not  only  gets  the  "  cold  shoulder," 
But  Nick  rumps  him  completely,  and  don't  seem  to  cave  a 
Dump  —  that's  the  word  —  for  his  triple  tiara. 

W^ell  —  what  shall  she  do?  — 

What's  the  course  to  pursue?  — 
"Try  St.  Peter?  —  the  step  is  a  bold  one  to  take; 
For  tlie  Saint  is,  there  can'i  be  a  doubt,  'wide  awake  ;' 

But  then  there's  a  quaint 

Old  Proverb  says  'Faint 
20 


230  A    LEGEND    t>F    DOVER. 

Heai't  ne'er  won  fiir  Lady,'  then  how  win  a  Saint?  — 

I've  a  great  mind  to  try  — 

One  can  but  apply ; 
If  things  come  to  the  worst  why  he  can  but  deny  — 

The  sky 

's  rather  high 
To  be  sure  —  but,  now  I 
That  cumbersome  carcass  of  clay  have  laid  by, 
I  am  just  in  the  '  order'  which  some  folks  —  though  why 
I  am  sure  I  can't  tell  you — would  call  '  Apple-pie.' 

Then  '  never  say  die !' 

It  won't  do  to  be  shy. 
So  I'll  tuck  up  my  shroud,  and  —  here  goes  for  a  fly !" 
—  So  said  and  so  done  —  she  was  off  like  a  shot, 
And  kept  on  the  whole  Avay  at  a  pretty  smart  trot. 

When  she  drew  so  near 

That  the  Saint  could  see  her, 
In  a  moment  he  frown'd,  and  began  to  look  queer, 
And  scarce  would  allow  her  to  make  her  case  clear, 
Ere  he  pm-sed  up  his  mouth  'twixt  a  sneer  and  a  jeer. 
With  "  It 's  all  very  well,  — but  you  do  not  lodge  here !" — 
Then,  calling  her  everything  but  "  My  dear!" 
He  applied  his  great  toe  with  some  force  au  derribre, 
And  dismiss'd  her  at  once  with  a  flea  in  her  ear. 

"  Alas !  poor  Ghost!" 

It's  a  doubt  which  is  most 
To  be  pitied  —  one  doom'd  to -fry,  broil,  boil,  and  roast, -- 
Or  one  bandied  about  thus  from  pillar  to  post,  — 
To  be  "all  abroad" — to  be  "stump'd"  not  to  know  where 

To  go  —  so  disgraced 

As  not  to  be  "placed," 
Or,  as  Crocky  would  say  to  Jem  Bland,  "  To  be  No  where. 

However  that  be 

The  fiffaire  •wQ.s  Jinie, 
And  the  poor  wretch  rejected  by  all,  as  you  see! 


THE   OLD    WOMAN    CLOTHED    IN    GREY.  231 

Mr.  Oliver  Goldsmith  observes  —  not  the  Jew  — 

That  the  "  Hare  whom  the  houndn  and  the  huntsmen  pursue," 

Having  no  other  sort  of  asylum  in  view, 

"  Returns  back  again  to  the  place  whence  she  flew,'' — 

\  fact  which  experience  has  proved  to  be  true. — 

jNlr.  Gray,  —  in  opinion  with  whom  Johnson  clashes,  — 

Declares  that  our  "  wonted  fires  live  in  our  ashes."  -^ — 

These  motives  combined,  perhaps,  brought  back  the  hag, 

The  first  to  lier  mansion,  the  last  to  her  bag, 

When  only  conceive  her  dismay  and  surprise. 

As  a  Ghost  how  she  open'd  her  cold  stony  eyes. 

When  there,  —  on  the  spot  where  she'd  hid  lier  '< supplies," — 

Tn  an  underground  cellar  of  very  small  size. 

Working  hard  with  a  spade. 

All  at  once  she  survey'd 
That  confounded  old  bandy-legg'd  "  Tailor  by  trade." 

Fancy  the  tone 

Of  the  half  moan,  half  groan. 
Which  burst  from  the  breast  of  the  Ghost  of  the  crone ! 
As  she  stood  there,  —  a  figure  'twixt  moonshine  and  stone, 
Only  fancy  the  glare  in  her  eyeballs  that  shone ! 
Although,  as  Macbeth  says,  "they'd  no  speculation," 

While  she  utter'd  that  word, 

Which  American  Bird, 
Or  James  Fenimore  Cooper,  would  render  "  Tarnation  ! !" 

At  the  noise  which  she  made, 

Down  went  the  spade !  — 
A.nd  up  jump'd  the  bandy-legg'd  "  Tailor  by  trade," 
;^Who  had  shrewdly  conjectured,  from  something  that  fell,  her 
Deposit  was  somewhere  conceal'd  in  the  cellar;) 

Turning  round  at  a  sound 

So  extremely  profound, 

*  "  E'en  in  our  ashes  live  their  wonted  firepl"  —  Gray. 
"  A  position  tit  which   Experience  revolts,  Credulity  hesitates,  and   evec 
Fanfy  starew !"  —  Johnson. 


232  A    LF.GEXn    OF    DOVER. 

The  moment  her  shadowy  form  met  his  vicAV,. 

He  gave  vent  to  a  sort  of  a  lengthen'd  "Bo-o—  ao-ol" — 

With  a  countenance  Keeley  alone  could  put  on, 

Made  one  grasshopper  spring  to  the  door — and  was  gone! 

Erupit!  Evasit! 

As  at  Rome  they  would  phrase  it  — 
His  flight  was  so  swift,  the  eye  scarcely  could  trace  it, 
Though  elderly,  bandy-legg'd,  meagre  and  sickly, 
I  doubt  if  the  Ghost  could  have  vanish'd  more  quickly ; — - 
He  reach'd  his  own  shop,  and  then  fell  into  fits. 
And  it's  said  never  rightly  recover'd  his  wits, 
While  the  chuckling  old  Hag  takes  his  place,  and  there  sits ! 

I'll  venture  to  say. 

She'd  sat  there  to  this  day, 
Brooding  over  what  Cobbett  calls  "vile  yellow  clay," 
Like  a  Vulture,  or  other  obscene  bird  of  prey. 
O'er  the  nest-full  of  eggs  she  has  managed  to  lay, 
If,  as  legends  relate,  and  I  think  we  may  trust  'em,  her 
Stars  had  not  brought  her  another  guess  customer  — 

'Twas  Basil  himself !  — 

Come  to  look  for  her  pelf: 
But  not,  like  the  Tailor,  to  dig,  delve,  and  grovel, 
And  grub  in  the  cellar  with  pickaxe  and  shovel ; 

Full  well  he  knew 

Such  tools  would  not  do, — 
Far  other  the  weapons  he  brought  into  play, 
Viz,  a  Wax-taper  "hallow'd  on  Candlemas-day," 

To  light  to  her  ducats, 

Holy  water,  two  buckets, 
Made  with  salt  —  half  a  peck  to  four  gallons  —  which  brews  a 
(Strong  triple  X  "strike," — see  Jacobus  de  Chusa,) 

With  these,  too,  he  took 

His  boll  and  his  book  — 
Not  a  nerve  ever  trembled, — his  hand  never  shook 
As  he  bold  -  march'd  up  where  she  sat  in  her  nook, 
Glow'iing  round  with  that  wild  indescribale  lo:k, 


THE    OLD    WOMAN    CLOTHED    IN    GRET.  233 

Which  Some  may  have  read  of,  perchance,  in  "Nell  Cook,"* 
Ally  in  "Martha  the  Gipsy"  by  Theodore  Hook. 

And  now,  for  the  reason  I  gave  you  before, 

Of  what  passed  then  and  there  I  can  tell  you  no  more, 

As  no  Tailor  was  near  with  his  ear  at  the  door ; 

But  I  've  always  been  told, 

With  respect  to  the  gold, 
For  which  she  her  "jewel  eternal"  had  sold, 

That  the  old  Harridan, 

Who,  no  doubt,  knew  her  man, 
Made  some  compromise  —  hit  upon  some  sort  of  plan. 
By  which  Friar  and  Ghost  were  both  equally  pinn'd  — 
Heaven  only  knows  how  the  "Agreement"  got  wind; — 

But  its  purport  was  this, 

That  the  things  done  amiss 
By  the  Hag  should  not  hinder  her  ultimate  bliss ; 

Provided  — ^^  Imprimis, 

The  cash  from  this  time  is 
The  Church's  —  impounded  for  good  pious  uses  — 
— Father  B.  shall  dispose  of  it  just  as  he  chooses, 

And  act  as  trustee  — 

In  the  meantime  that  She, 
The  said  Ghostess, — or  Ghost, — as  the  matter  may  be, — 
From  'impediment,'  'hindrance,'  and  'let'  shall  be  free. 
To  sleep  in  her  grave,  or  to  wander,  as  he, 
The  said  Friar,  with  said  Ghost  may  hereafter  agree. — 

Moreover  —  The  whole 

Of  the  said  cash,  or  '  cole,' 
Shall  be  spent  for  the  good  of  said  Old  Woman's  sonl  ' 

"It  is  farther  agreed — while  said  cash  is  so  spending, 
Said  Ghost  shall  be  fully  absolved  from  attending, 

And  shall  quiet  remain 

In  the  grave,  her  domain, 

*  See  page  113. 

20* 


234  A    l.EGENO    OF    DOVER. 

To  have,  and  enjoy,  and  uphold,  and  maintain. 
Without  molestation,  or  trouble  or  pain. 
Hindrance,  let,  or  impediment,  (over  again) 
From  Old  Nick,  or  from  any  one  else  of  his  train, 
Whether  Pow'r, — Domination, —  or  Princedom, — or  Throne,^ 
Or  by  what  name  soever  the  same  may  be  known, 
Howsoe'er  call'd  by  Poets  or  styled  by  Divines, — 
Himself, —  his  executors,  heirs,  and  assigns. 

"  Provided  that, — nevertheless, — notwithstanding 
All  herein  contain'd, — if  whoever  's  a  hand  in 
Dispensing  said  ca^h, — or  said  'cole,* — shall  dare  venture 
To  misapply  money,  note,  bill,  or  debenture 
To  uses  not  named  in  this  present  Indenture, 
Then  that  such  sum,  or  sums,  shall  revert,  and  come  home  again 
Back  to  said  Ghost, —  who  thenceforward  shall  roam  again, 
Until  such  time,  or  times,  as  the  said  Ghost  produces 
Some  good  man  and  true,  who  no  longer  refuses 
To  put  sum,  ©r  sums,  aforesaid,  to  said  uses ; 
Which  duly  perform' d,  the  said  Ghost  shall  have  rest, 
The  full  term  of  her  natural  death,  of  the  best. 
In  full  consideration  of  this,  her  bequest, 
In  manner  and  form  aforesaid, — as  exprest : — 
In  witness  whereof,  we,  the  parties  aforesaid, 
Hereunto  set  our  hands  and  our  seals  —  and  no  more  said, 
Being  ail  that  these  presents  intend  to  express. 
Whereas  —  notwithstanding  —  and  nevertheless. 

"  Sign'd,  seal'd,  and  deliver'd,  this  20th  of  May, 
Anno  Domini,  blank,  (though  I've  mention'd  the  day,) 
(Signed 

Basil. 

Old  Woman  (late)  clothed  in  grey." 

Basil,  now  I  am  told. 
Walking  off  with  the  gold, 

*Tiircnes!  Dominations!  Princedoms!  Virtues!  Powers !  — Mixtion. 


THE    OLD    \rO.MAX    CLOTHED    IN    GREY.   .  235 

Went  and  straight  got  tliu  document  duly  enroll'd, 
And  left  the  testatrix  to  mildew  and  mould 
In  lier  sepulchre,  cosey,  cool, —  not  to  say  cold. 
But  somehow  —  though  how  I  can  hardly  divine, — 
*■  A  runlet  of  fine 

Rich  Malvoisie  wine 
Found  its  way  to  the  Convent  that  night  before  nine, 
With  custards,  and  "flawns,"  and  a  "  fayre  florentine,*' 
Peach,  apricot,  nectarine,  melon,  and  pine ; — 
And  some  half  a  score  Nuns  of  the  rule  Bridgetine, 
Abbess  and  all  were  invited  to  dine 
At  a  very  late  hour,  —  that  is  after  Compline. — 
— Father  Hilary's  rubies  began  soon  to  shine 
With  fresh  lustre,  as  though  newly  dug  from  the  mine ;     . 

Through  all  the  next  year, 

Indeed,  'twould  appear 
That  the  Convent  was  much  better  off,  as  to  cheer, 
Even  Basil  himself,  as  I  very  much  fear. 
No  longer  addicted  himself  to  small  beer  ; 

His  complexion  grew  clear. 

While  in  front  and  in  rear 
Ho  enlarged  so,  his  shape  seem'd  approachii)g  a  sphere. 

No  wonder  at  all,  then,  one  cold  winter's  night, 
That  a  servant  girl  going  down  stairs  Avith  a  light 
To  the  cellar  we've  spoken  of,  saw,  with  affright, 
An  Old  Woman,  astride  on  a  barrel,  invite 
Her  to  take,  in  a  manner  extremely  polite, 
With  her  left  hand,  a  bag,  she  had  got  in  her  right ; — 
For  tradition  asserts  that  the  Old  Woman's  purse 
Had  come  back  to  her  scarcely  one  penny  the  worse  ! 

The  girl,  as  they  say. 

Ran  screaming  away, 
Quite  scared  by  the  Old  Woman  clothed  in  grey ; 
But  there  came  down  a  Knight,  at  no  distant  u  day, 

Sprightly  and  gay 

As  the  bird  on  the  spray, 


230 


A    LEGEND    OF    DOVER. 


One  Sir  Rufus  Mountfardington,  Lox'd  of  Foot's-cray, 

Whose  estate,  not  unlike  those  of  most  of  our  "SAvell"  beaux. 

Was,  what's,  by  a  metaphor,  term'd  "out  at  elbows;" 

And  the  fact  was,  said  Knight  was  now  merely  delay'd 

From  crossing  the  water  to  join  the  Crusade  + 

For  converting  the  Pagans  with  bill,  bow,  and  blade, 

By  the  want  of  a  little  pecuniary  aid 

To  buy  arms  and  horses,  the  tools  of  his  trade, 

And  enable  his  troop  to  appear  on  parade ; 

The  unquiet  Shade 
Thought  Sir  Rufus,  'tis  said, 
Just  the  man  for  her  money, —  she  readily  paid 
For  the  articles  named,  and  with  pleasure  convey'd 
To  his  hands  every  farthing  she  ever  had  made ; 

But  alas  !  I'm  afraid 

Most  unwisely  she  laid 
Out  her  cash  —  the  Beaux  yeux  of  a  Saracen  maid 
(Truth  compels  me  to  say  a  most  pestilent  jade) 
Converted  the  gallant  converter  —  betray'd 
Him  to  do  everything  which  a  Knight  could  degrade, 
— E'en  to  worship  Mahound! — she  required — He  obey''!.. 
The  consequence  was,  all  the  money  was  wasted 
On  Infidel  pleasures  he  should  not  have  tasted ; 
So  that,  after  a  very  short  respite,  the  Hag 
Was  seen  down  in  her  cellar  again  with  her  bag. 
Don't  fancy,  dear  Reader,  I  mean  to  go  on 
Seriatim  through  so  many  ages  by-gone, 

And  to  bore  you  with  names 

Of  the  Squires  and  the  Dames, 
Who  have  managed,  at  times,  to  get  hold  of  the  sack, 
But  spent  the  cash  so  that  it  always  came  back ; 

The  list  is  too  long 

To  be  given  in  my  song, — 
There  are  reasons  beside,  would  perhaps  make  it  wrong 
I  shall  merely  observe,  in  those  orthodox  days, 
When  Mary  set  Smithfield  all  o'er  in  a  blaze, 


THE    OLD    WOMAN    CLOTHED    IN    GREY.  237 

And  show'd  herself  very  se- 
vere against  heresy, 
While  many  a  wretch  scorn'd  to  flinch,  or  to  scream,  as  he 
Burnt  for  denying  the  Papal  supremacy. 

Bishop  Bonner  the  bag  got, 

And  all  thought  the  Hag  got 
Released,  as  he  spent  all  in  fuel  and  faggot. — 

But  somehow  —  though  how 

I  can't  tell  you,  I  vow  — 
I  suppose  by  mismanagement  —  ere  the  next  reign 
The  Spectre  had  got  all  her  money  again. 

The  last  time,  I'm  told, 

That  the  Old  Woman's  gold 
Was  obtain'd,  —  as  before,  —  for  the  asking,  —  'twas  had 
By  a  Mr.  0 — Something  —  from  Ballinafad; 
And  the  whole  of  it,  so  'tis  reported,  was  sent 
To  John  Wright's,  in  account  for  the  Catholic  Rent, 
And  thus  —  like  a  great  deal  more  money  —  it  "went!" 

So  'tis  said  at  Maynooth, 

But  I  can't  think  it's  truth; 
Though  I  know  it  was  boldly  asserted  last  season. 
Still  I  can  not  believe  it;  and  that  for  this  reason, 
It's  certain  the  cash  has  got  back  to  its  owner!" — 
—  Now  no  part  of  the  Rent  to  do  so  e'er  was  known,  —  or, 
In  any  shape,  ever  come  home  to  the  donor. 

Gentle  Reader!  — you  must  know  the  proverb,  I  think  — 
**^To  a  blind  horse  a  nod  is  as  good  as  a  Wink!" 

Which  some  learned  Chap, 

In  a  square  College  cap. 
Perhaps,  would  translate  by  the  words  "  Verbum  Sap!'* 

— Now,  should  it  so  chance 

That  you're  going  to  France 
[u  the  course  of  next  Spring,  as  you  probably  may, 

Do  pull  up,  and  stay. 
Pray, 
If  but  for  a  day, 


238  A    LEGEND   OF    DOVER. 

At  Dover,  through  which  you  must  pass  on  yo  tr  way. 
At  the  York,  —  or  the  Ship,  —  where,  as  all  people  say, 
You'll  get  good  wine  yourself,  and  your  horses  good  haj, 
Perhaps,  my  good  friend,  you  may  find  it  wil\j>ai/, 
And  you  cannot  lose  much  by  so  short  a  delay. 

First  Dine  !  —  you  can  do 

That  on  joint,  or  ragoUt  — 
Then  say  to  the  waiter,  —  "I'm  just  passing  through,  — 
Pray,  —  where  can  I  find  out  the  old  Maison  Dieu  ?  — 
He'll  show  you  the  street —  (the  French  call  it  a  Rue^ 
But  you  won't  have  to  give  here  a.  petit  ecu). 

Well, — when   you've   got    there, — never    mind    how   you'ro 

taunted,  — 
Ask  boldly,  "  Pray,  which  is  the  house  here  that's  haunted  ?" 
— I'd  tell  you  myself,  but  I  can't  recollect 
The  proprietor's  name ;  but  he 's  one  of  that  sect 
Who  call  themselves  "  Friends,"  and  whom  others  call  "  Qua 

kers,"— 
You  '11  be  sure  to  find  out  if  you  ask  at  the  Baker's,  — 

Then  go  down  with  a  light, 

To  the  cellar  at  night! 
And  as  soon  as  you  see  her  don't  be  in  a  fright ! 

But  ask  the  old  Hag, 

At  once,  for  the  bag !  — 
If  you  find  that  she 's  shy,  or  your  senses  would  dazzle, 
Say,  "Ma'am,  I  insist! — in  the  name  of  St.  Basil!" 

If  she  gives  it  you,  seize 

It,  and  —  do  as  you  please  — 
But  there  is  not  a  person  I  've  ask'd  but  agrees, 
You  should  spend — part  at  least  —  for  the  Old  Woman's  ease! 
—  For  the  rest — if  it  must  go  back  some  day — why — let  it !  — 
Meanwhile,  if  you  're  poor,  and  in  love,  or  in  debt,  it 
May  do  you  some  good,  aud  — 

I  WISH  YOU  MAY  GET  IT  !  !  ! 


RAISING    THE    DEVIL.  239 

To  whom  is  the  name  of  Cornelius  Agrippa  otherwise 
than  familiar,  since  ''  a  Magician/'  of  renown  not  inferior 
to  his  own,  has  brought  him  and  his  terrible  "  Black  Book  " 
again  before  the  world  ?  —  That  he  was  celebrated, 
among  other  exploits,  for  raising  the  Devil,  we  are  all 
well  aware ;  —  how  he  performed  this  feat,  —  at  least 
one,  and  that,  perhaps,  the  most  certain  method,  by 
which  he  did  it,  —  is  thus  described. 


RAISING  THE  DEVIL. 

A   LEGEND    OF    CORNELIUS    AGRIPPA. 

"  And  hast  thou  nerve  enough  ?"  he  said, 
That  grey  Old  Man,  above  whose  head 

Unnumber'd  years  had  roll'd,  — 
♦'  And  hast  thou  nerve  to  view,"  he  cried, 
*'  The  incarnate  Fiend  that  Heaven  defied!  — 

— Art  thou  indeed  so  bold  ? 

"  Say,  canst  Thou,  with  unshrinking  gaze, 
Sustain,  rash  youth,  the  withering  blaze 

Of  that  unearthly  eye, 
That  blasts  where'er  it  lights,  —  the  breatii 
That,  like  the  Simoom,  scatters  death 

On  all  that  yet  can  die ! 

—  "  Dar'st  thou  confront  that  fearful  form, 
That  rides  the  whirlwind,  and  the  storm, 

In  wild  unholy  revel !  -^ 
The  terrors  of  that  blasted  brow, 
Archangel's  once,  —  though  ruin'd  now  — 

—  Ay,  —  dar'st  thou  face  The  Devil  ?"- 


"240  A    LEGEND    OF    CORNELIUS    AGRIPPA. 

*'I  dare  I"  the  desperate  Youth  replied, 
And  placed  him  by  that  Old  Man's  side, 

In  fierce  and  frantic  glee, 
Unblenched  his  cheek,  and  firm  his  limb*; 
— "No  paltry  juggling  Fiend,  but  Him  I 

— The  Devil  !  — I  fain  would  see !  — - 

"  In  all  his  Gorgon  terrors  clad, 

His  worst,  his  fellest  shape!"  the  Lad 

Rejoin'd  in  reckless  tone. — 
— "Have  then  thy  wish!"  Agrippa  said, 
And  sigh'd  and  shook  his  hoary  head, 

"With  many  a  bitter  groan. 

He  drew  the  mystic  circle's  bound, 
With  skull  and  cross-bones  fenced  around ; 
He  ti-aced  full  many  a  sigil  there ; 
He  mutter'd  many  a  backward  pray'r, 

That  sounded  like  a  curse  — 
"He  comes!" — he  cried  with  Avild  grnnaot 
"  The  fellest  of  Apollyon's  race !"— 
— Then  in  his  startled  pupil's  face 

lie  dash'd  —  an  Empty  Purse!  ! 


THE    LAY    OF    SAINT    MEDARD.  241 

One  more  legend,  and  then,  gentle  Reader,  "  A  merry 
Christmas  to  you  and  a  happy  New  Year!" — We  have 
travelled  over  many  lands  together,  and  had  many  a  good- 
humoured  laugh  by  the  way ;  —  if  we  have,  occasionally, 
been  "more  merry  than  wise,''  at  least  we  have  not 
jostled  our  neighbours  on  the  road,  —  much  less  have  we 
kicked  any  one  into  a  ditch. 

So  wishing  you  heartily  all  the  compliments  of  the 
season,  —  and  thanking  you  cordially  for  your  company, 
I,  Thomas  Ingoldsby,  bid  you  heartily  farewell,  and  leave 
you  in  that  of 

SAINT  MEDARD. 

A   LEGEND   OF   AFRIC. 

"Ileus  tu!  inquit  Diabolus,  hei  mihi!  fessis  insuper  humeris  reponenda 
est  sarcina ;  fer  opera  quasso !" 

"  Le  Diable  a  des  vices;  —  c'est  Ik  ce  qui  le  perd.  —  II  est  gourmand.  II 
eut  dans  celte  minute-li  I'idee  de  joindre  I'ame  de  Medard  aux  autres  ames 
qu'il  allait  emporter.  —  Se  rejeter  en  arriere,  saisir  de  sa  main  droite  son 
poignard,  et  en_percer  I'outre  avec  une  violence,  et  une  rapidite  formidable, 
—  c'est  ce  que  fit  Medard.  —  Le  Diable  poussa  un  grand  cri.  Les  ames 
delivres  s'enfuireut  par  Tissue  que  le  poignard  venait  de  leur  onvrir,  lais.sant 
dans  I'outre  leurs  noirceurs,  leurs  crimes,  et  leurs  mechancetes,"  Ac.  Ac. 

In  good  King  Dagobert's  palmy  clays, 

When  Saints  were  many,  and  sins  were  few, 
Old  Nick,  'tis  said, 
Was  sore  bested 
One  evening,  — and  could  not  tell  what  to  do.-- 

He  had  been  East,  and  he  had  been  West, 
And  fur  had  he  journey 'd  o'er  land  and  sea : 
For  women  and  men 
Were  warier  (hen, 
And  he  could  not  catch  one  where  he  'd  now  catch  three. 


242  A    LEGEND    OF    AFRIC. 

He  bad  been  North,  and  he  had  been  South, 
From  Zembla's  shores  unto  far  Peru, 
Ere  he  fill'd  the  sack 
Which  he  bore  on  his  back  — 
Saints  were  so  many,  and  sins  so  few ! 

The  way  was  long,  and  the  day  was  hot ; 
His  wings  were  weary ;  his  hoofs  were  sore  ; 

And  scarce  could  he  trail 

His  nerveless  tail, 
As  it  furrow'd  the  sand  on  the  Red  Sea  shore  i 

The  day  had  been  hot,  and  the  way  was  long ; 
—  Hoof-sore,  and  weary,  and  faint,  was  he; 

He  lower'd  his  sack, 

And  the  heat  of  his  back, 
As  he  leaned  on  a  palm-trunk,  blasted  the  tree  ! 

He  sat  himself  down  in  the  palm-tree's  shade, 
And  he  gazed,  and  he  grinn'd  in  pure  delight, 
As  he  peep'd  inside 
TbQ  buffalo's  hide 
He  had  sewn  for  a  sack,  and  had  cramm'd  so  tight. 

For,  though  he  'd  "gone  over  a  good  deal  of  ground," 
And  game  had  been  scarce,  he  might  well  report 
That  still,  he  had  got 
A  decentish  lot. 
And  had  had,  on  the  whole,  not  a  bad  d&ys  sport. 

He  had  pick'd  up  in  France  a  Maitre  de  Danse,  — 
A  Mattresse  en  litre,  —  two  smart  Gristttes, 

A  Courtier  at  play, — 

And  an  English  RoxiS  — 
Who  had  bolted  from  home  without  paying  his  debts.  — 

—  He  had  caught  in  Great  Britain  a  Scrivener's  clerk, 
A  Quaker,  —a  Baker,  — a  Doctor  of  Laws,  — 


THE    LAY    OF   SAINT    MEDARD.  243 

And  a  Jockey  of  York  — 
But  Paddy  from  Cork 
"Desaved  the  ould  divil,"  and  slipp'd  through  his  claws! 

In  Moscow,  a  Boyar  knouting  his  wife 

—  A  Corsaii-'s  crew,  in  the  Isles  of  Greece  — 

And,  under  the  dome 

Of  St.  Peter's,  at  Rome, 
He  had  snapp'd  up  a  nice  little  Cardinal's  Niece. — 

He  had  bagg'd  an  Inquisitor  fresh  from  Spain  — 
A  mendicant  Friar — of  Monks  a  score  ; 
A  grave  Don,  or  two. 
And  a  Portuguese  Jew, 
Whorii  he  nabb'd  while  clipping  a  new  Moidore. 

And  he  said  to  himself,  as  he  lick'd  his  lips, 

"  Those  nice  Uttle  Dears !  —  what  a  delicate  roast !  — 
—  Then,  that  fine  fat  Friar, 
At  a  very  quick  fire, 
Dress'd  like  a  Woodcock,  and  served  on  toast!" 

—  At  the  sight  of  tit-bits  so  toothsome  and  choice 
Never  did  mouth  water  more  than  Nick's ; 
But,  —  alas!  and  alack! 
He  had  stuflf'd  his  sack 
So  full  that  he  found  himself  quite  "  in  a  fix :" 

For,  all  he  could  do,  or  all  he  could  say, 
When,  a  little  recruited,  he  rose  to  go, 
Alas!  and  alack! 
He  could  not  get  the  sack 
Up  again  on  his  shoulders  **  whether  or  no  !" 

Old  Nick  look'd  East,  Old  Nick  look'd  West, 
With  many  a  stretch,  and  with  many  a  strain, 

He  bent  till  his  back 

Was  ready  to  crack, 
And  he  pull'd,  and  he  tugg'd,  — but  he  tugg'd  in  vaia 


244  A    LEGEND   OF   A  FRIG. 

Old  Nick  look'd  North,  Old  Nick  look'd  Sontli ; 

—  Weary  was  Nicholas,  weak  and  faint, — 

And  he  was  aware 
Of  an  old  man  there, 
In  Palmer's  weeds,  who  look'd  much  lite  a  Saint. 

Nick  eyed  the  Saint,  —  then  he  eyed  the  Sack  — 
The  greedy  old  glutton !  —  and  thought,  with  a  grin, 
"Dear  heart  alive! 
If  I  could  but  contrive 
To  pop  that  elderly  gentleman  in !  — ■ 

*'  For,  were  I  to  choose  among  all  the  ragoHts 
The  cuisine  can  exhibit — flesh,  fowl,  or  fish, — 

To  myself  I  can  paint 

That  a  barbecued  Saint 
Would  be  for  my  palate  the  best  side-dish  !'* 

Now  St.  Medard  dwelt  on  the  banks  of  the  Nile, 

—  In  a  Pyramis  fast  hy  the  lone  Red  Sea. 

(We  call  it  "  Semiramis," 
Why  not  say  Pyramis?  — 
Why  should  we  change  the  S  into  a  D  ?) 

St.  Medard,  he  was  a  holy  man, 
A  holy  man  I  ween  was  he, 

And  even  by  day. 

When  he  went  to  pray, 
He  would  light  up  a  candle,  that  all  might  see  ? 

He  salaam'' d  to  the  East, —  He  salaani'd  to  the  West ; 

—  Of  the  gravest  cut,  and  the  holiest  brown 

Were  his  Palmer's  weeds, — 
And  he  finger'd  his  beads 
With  the  right  side  up,  and  the  wrong  side  down. — 
***** 
[Hiatus  in  MSS.  valde  dejlendus.) 
St.  Medard  dwelt  on  the  banks  of  the  Nile ;  — 
He  had  been  living  there  years  fourscore, — 


I 


THE    LAY   OF   ST.  MEDARD.  245 

And  now,  ''taking  the  air, 
And  saying  a  pray'r," 
He  was  walking  at  eve  on  the  Red  Sea  shore. 

Little  he  deem'd  —  that  Holy  man!  — 

Of  Old  Nick's  wiles,  and  his  fraudfnl  tricks, — 

When  he  was  aware 

Of  a  Stranger  there, 
Who  seem'd  to  have  got  himself  into  a  fix. 

Deeply  that  Stranger  groan'd  and  sigh'd. 

That  wayfaring  Stranger,  grisly  and  grey :  — 
"  I  can't  raise  my  sack 
On  my  poor  old  back !  — 
Oh !  lend  me  a  lift,  kind  Gentleman,  pray !  — 

"  For  I  have  been  East,  and  I  have  been  West, 
Foot-sore,  weary,  and  faint  am  I, 

And,  unless  I  get  home 

Ere  the  Curfew  bome, 
Here  in  this  desert  I  well  may  die !" 

"Now  Heav'n  thee  save!" — Nick  winced  at  the  words 
As  ever  he  winces  at  words  divine  — 
"Now  Heav'n  thee  save! — • 
What  strength  I  have, — 
It's  little,  I  wis, —  shall  be  freely  thine! 

"  For  foul  befal  that  Christian  man 

Who  shall  fail,  in  a  fix, —  woe  worth  the  while!  — 

His  hand  to  lend 

To  foe,  or  to  friend. 
Or  to  help  a  lame  dog  over  a  stile  !" — 

—  St.  Medard  hath  boon'd  himself  for  the  task : 
To  hoist  up  the  sack  he  doth  well  begin; 
But  the  fardel  feels 
Like  a  bag  full  of  eels, 
For  the  folks  are  all  curling,  and  kicking  within. — 
21* 


246  A    LEGEND    OF    AFRIC. 

St.  Medard  paused  —  lie  began  to  "smoke" — 
For  a  Saint, — if  he  isn't  exactly  a  cat, — 

Has  a  very  good  nose, 

As  this  world  goes, 
And  not  worse  than  his  neighbour's  for  "  smelling  a  rat." 

The  Saint  look'd  up,  and  the  Saint  look'd  down ; 
He  ^^ smelt  the  rat,"  and  he  "smoked"  the  trick; 
— When  he  came  to  view 
His  comical  shoe, 
He  saw  in  a  moment  his  friend  was  Nick ! 

He  whipp'd  out  his  oyster-knife,  broad  and  keen  — 
A  Brummagem  blade  which  he  always  bore, 

To  aid  him  to  eat. 

By  way  of  a  treat, 
The  ''natives"  he  found  on  the  Red-Sea  shore:  — 

He  whipp'd  out  his  Brummagem  blade  so  keen, 
And  he  made  three  slits  in  the  BuflFalo's  hide, 
And  all  its  contents, 
Through  the  rents,  and  the  vents, 
Came  tunibUng  out, —  and  away  they  all  hied! 

Away  went  the  Quaker, —  away  went  the  Baker, 
Away  went  the  Friar  —  that  fine  fat  Ghost, 

Whose  marrow  Old  Nick 

Had  intended  to  pick, 
Dress'd  like  a  Woodcock,  and  served  on  toast ! 

—  Away  went  the  nice  little  Cardinal's  Niece, — 

And  the  pretty  Grisettes, —  and  the  Dons  from  Spain  — 

And  the  Corsair's  Crew, 

And  the  coin-clipping  Jew, — 
And  they  scamper'd,  like  lamplighters,  over  the  plain. — 

—  Old  Nick  is  a  black -looking  fellow  at  best, 
Ay,  e'en  when  he's  pleased;  but  never  before 


THE    LAY    OP    ST.  MEDARD,  24*3 

Had  lie  look'd  so  black 
As  on  seeing  his  sack 
Thus  cut  into  slits  on  the  Red-Sea  shore. 

\  ou  may  fancy  his  rage,  and  his  deep  despair, 
When  he  saw  himself  thus  befool'd  by  one 

Whom,  in  anger  wild, 

He  profanely  styled 
"A  stupid,  old,  snufF-colour'd  Son  of  a  gun!'* 

Then  his  supper  —  so  nice !  —  that  had  cost  him  such  pains  — 
—  Such  a  hard  day's  work  —  now  "all  on  the  go!" 
— 'Twas  beyond  a  joke 
And  enough  to  provoke 
The  mildest  and  best-temper'd  Fiend  below ! 

Nick  snatch'd  up  one  of  those  great,  big  stones. 
Found  in  such  numbers  on  Egypt's  plains, 

And  he  hurl'd  it  straight 

At  the  Saint's  bald  pate. 
To  knock  out  "  the  gruel  he  call'd  his  brains." 

Straight  at  his  pate  he  hurl'd  the  weighty 

The  crushing  weight  of  that  great,  big  stone ;  — 
But  Saint  Medard 
Was  remarkably  hard. 
And  solid,  about  the  parietal  bone. 

And,  though  the  whole  weight  of  that  great,  big  stone, 
Came  straight  on  his  pate,  with  a  great,  big  thump. 

It  fail'd  to  graze 

The  skin,  —  or  to  raise 
On  the  tough  epidermis  a  lump,  or  bump !  — 

As  the  hail  bounds  off  from  the  pent-house  slope,  — 
As  the  cannon  recoils  when  it  sends  its  shot,  — 
As  the  finger  and  thuml 
Of  an  old  woman  come 
From  the  kettle  she  handles,  and  finds  too  hot ;  — 


248  A    LEGEND    OF    AFRIC. 

—  Or,  as  you  may  see,  in  the  Fleet,  or  the  Bencf;, — 

—  Many  folks  do  in  the  course  of  their  lives, — 

The  well-struck  ball 
Rebound  from  the  wall, 
"When  the  Gentleman  jail-birds  are  playing  at  "fives:  * 

All  these,  —  and  a  thousand  fine  similes  more,— 
Such  as  all  have  heard  of,  or  seen,  or  read 

Recorded  in  print, 

May  give  you  a  hint 
How  the  stone  bounced  off  from  St.  Medard's  head ! 

—  And  it  curl'd  and  it  twirl'd  and  it  whirl'd  in  air, 
As  this  great,  big  stone  at  a  tangent  flew ! 

—  Just  missing  his  crown, 
It  at  last  came  down 

Plump  upon  Nick's  Orthopedical  shoe ! 

Oh !  what  a  yell  and  a  screech  were  there !  — 
How  did  he  hop,  skip,  bellow,  and  roar ! 

—  "Oh  dear!  oh  dear!"  — 
You  might  hear  him  here. 

Though  we're  such  a  way  off  from  the  Red-Sea  shore  1 

It  smash'd  his  shin,  and  it  smash'd  his  hoof, 
Notwithstanding  his  stout  Orthopedical  shoe ; 
And  this  is  the  way 
That,  from  that  same  day. 
Old  Nick  became  what  the  French  call  Boiteux ! 

Quakers,  and  Bakers,  Grisettes,  and  Friars 
And  Cardinal's  Nieces,  —  wherever  ye  be, 

St.  Medard  bless; 

You  can  scarcely  do  less 
If  you  of  your  corps  possess  any  esprit.  — 

And,  mind  and  take  care,  yourselves,  —  and  beware 
How  you  get  in  Nick's  Inffalo  bag !  — if  you  do, 


THE    LAY    OF    ST.  MEDARi).  249 

I  very  much  doubt 
If  you'll  ever  get  out, 
Now  Bins  are  so  many,  and  Saints  so  few ! ! 

Moral. 

Gentle  Reader,  attend 

To  the  voice  of  a  finend! 
And  if  ever  you  go  to  Heme  Bay  or  Southend, 
Or  any  gay  wat'ring-place  outside  the  Nore, 
Don't  walk  out  at  eve  on  the  lone  sea-shore ! 
—  Unless  you  're  too  Saintly  to  care  about  Nick, 
And  are  sure  that  your  head  is  suflSciently  thick  ? 

Learn  not  to  be  greedy  !  —  and,  when  you've  enough. 
Don't  be  anxious  your  bags  any  tighter  to  stuif — 
Recollect  that  good  fortune  too  far  you  may  push. 

And,    "A  BIKD  IN  THE  HAND  IS  WORTH  TWO  IN  THE  BUSH  !" 

Then  turn  not  each  thought  to  increasing  your  store, 
Nor  look  always  like  "  Oliver  asking  for  more  I" 

Gourmandise  is  a  vice  —  a  sad  failing,  at  least;  — 

So  remember  "  Enough  is  as  good  as  a  feast !" 

And  don't  set  your  heart  on   "stew'd,"   "fried,"  "boil'd, 

"roast," 
Nor  on  delicate  "Woodcocks  served  up  upon  toast!" 

Don't  give  people  nick-names !  —  don't  even  in  fun, 

Call  any  one  "  snuff-colour'd  son  of  a  gun !" 

Nor  fancy,  because  a  man  nous  seems  to  lack. 

That,  whenever  you  please,  you  can  "give  him  the  sack!" 

Last  of  all,  as  you'd  thrive,  and  still  sleep  in  whole  bones. 

If  YOUV'e  ANY  GLASS  AVINDOWS  NEVER  THROW  STONES  !  I  1 


INGOLDSBY   LEGENDS. 

(THIRD   SERIES.) 
THE  LORD  OF  TIIOULOUSE. 

A    LEGEND    OF   LANGUEDOC. 

Veluti  in  speculum.  —  Tfieaire  Royal  Gov.  Gard. 

CuiTNT  Raymond  rules  in  Languedoc, 
O'er  the  champaign  fair  and  wide, 
With  town  and  stronghold  many  a  one, 
Wash'd  by  the  wave  of  the  blue  Garonne, 
And  from  far  Auvergne  to  Rousillon, 
(\nd  away  to  Narbonne, 
And  the  mouths  of  the  Rhone; 
And  hitj  Lyonnois  silks  and  his  Narbonne  honey, 
Bring  in  his  lordship  a  great  deal  of  money. 

A  thousand  lances,  stout  and  true, 
Attend  Count  Raymond's  call ; 
And  Knights  »r»d  Nobles,  of  high  degree, 
From  Guiemie,  Provence,  and  Burgundy, 
Before  Count  Raymond  bend  the  knee, 
And  vail  to  him  one  and  all. 

And  Isabel  of  Arragon 

He  weds,  the  Pride  of  Spain, 
You  might  not  find  so  rich  a  prize, 
A  Dame  so  ''healthy,  wealthy,  and  wise;" 

(260) 


THE    LORD    OF    THOULOUSE.  251 

So  pious  witlial — with  such  beautiful  eyes  — 
So  exactly  the  Venus  de'  Medicis'  size  — 
In  all  that  wide  domain. 

Then  his  cellar  is  stored 

As  well  as  his  board, 
Wnh  the  choicest  of  all  La  Belle  France  can  afford ; 
Chnmbertin,  Chateaux  Margaux,  La  Rose,  and  Lsifitte, 
With  Moet's  Champagne,  "of  the  Comet  year,"  "neat 
As  imported,"  —  "fine  sparkling,"  —  and  not  over  sweet; 
Willie  his  Chaplain,  good  man,  when  call'd  in  to  say  grace, 
Would  groan,  and  put  on  an  elongated  face 
At  such  turtle,  such  turbot,  John  Dory,  and  plaice ; 
Not  without  blushing,  pronouncing  a  benison, 
Worthy  old  soul !  on  such  very  fat  venison, 

Sighing  to  think 

Such  victuals  and  drink. 
Are  precisely  the  traps  by  which  Satan  makes  men  his  own, 

And  gi-ieving  o'er  scores 

Of  huge  barbecued  Boars, 
Which  he  thinks  should  not  darken  a  Christian  man's  doors, 
Though  'twas  all  very  well  Pagan  Poets  should  rate  'em 
As  '^^  Animal  propter  convivia  natum.'^ 

He  was  right,  I  must  say. 

For  at  this  time  of  day, 
When  we  're  not  so  precise,  whether  cleric  or  lay. 
With  respect  to  our  food,  as  in  time  so  passe, 
We  still  find  our  Boars,  whether  grave  ones  or  gay, 
After  dinner,  at  least,  very  much  in  the  way, 
(We  spell  the  word  now  with  an  E,  not  an  A :) 
And  as  honest  P^re  Jacques  was  inclined  to  spare  diet,  he 
Gave  this  advice  to  all  grades  of  society, 
''  Think  less  of  pudding  —  and  think  more  of  piety.' 

As  to  his  clothes, 
Oh !  nobody  knows 


252  A    LEGEND    OF    LANOITEPOT! 

What  lots  the  Count  had  of  cloaks,  doublets,  and  hose, 

Pardoufles,  with  bows 

Each  as  big  as  a  rose, 
And  such  shirts  with  lace  ruffles,  such  waistcoats  and  the  fee 
Indescribable  garments  it  is  not  thought  right 
To  do  more  than  whisper  to  oreUles  polite. 

Still  in  spite  of  his  power,  and  iu  spite  of  his  riches, 
In  spite  of  his  dinners,  his  dress,  and  his  —  which  is 
The  strangest  of  all  things  —  in  spite  of  his  Wife, 
The  Count  led  a  rather  hum-drum  sort  of  life. 
He  grew  tired,  in  fact,  of  mere  eating  and  drinking, 
Grew  tired  of  flirting,  and  ogling,  and  winking 

At  nursery  maids 

As  they  walk'd  the  Parades, 
The  Crescents,  the  Squares,  and  the  fine  Colonnades, 
And  the  other  gay  places,  which  young  ladies  use 
As  their  promenade  through  the  good  town  of  Thoulouse. 

He  was  tired  of  hawking,  and  fishing,  and  hunting, 
Of  billiards,  short-whist,  chicken-hazard,  and  punting ; 

Of  popping  at  pheasants, 

Quails,  woodcocks,  and  —  peasants: 

Of  smoking,  and  joking. 

And  soaking,  provoking 

Such  headaches  next  day 

As  his  fine  St.  Peray, 
Though  the  best  of  all  Rhone  wines  can  never  repay, 
Till  weary  of  war,  women,  roast-geese,  and  glory, 
With  no  great  desire  to  be  "famous  in  story," 

All  the  day  long. 

This  was  his  song, 
"  Oh,  dear !  what  will  become  of  us  ? 

Oh,  dear !  what  shall  we  do  ? 
We  shall  die  of  blue  devils  if  some  of  us 

Can't  hit  on  something  that's  new'" 


THE    LORD    OF    THOULOUSR.  253 

Meanwhile  his  sweet  Countess,  so  pious  and  good, 

Sucn  pomps  and  such  vanities  stoutly  esehew'd, 

With  all  fermented  liquors  and  high-season'd  food, 

Devill'd  kidneys,  and  sweet-breads,  and  ducks  and  green  peas 

Baked  sucking-pig,  goose,  and  all  viands  like  these, 

[lash'd  calf's-head  included,  no  longer  could  please, 

A  curry  was  sure  to  elicit  a  breeze, 

5 :  was  ale,  or  a  glass  of  port-wine  after  cheese, 

Indeed,  any  thing  strong, 

As  to  tipple,  was  wrong ; 
She  stuck  to  "fine  Hyson,"  "Bohea,"  and  "Souchong," 
And  similar  imports  direct  from  Hong-Kong. 
In  vain  does  the  family  Doctor  exhort  her 
To  take  with  her  chop  one  poor  half-pint  of  porter; 

No ! —  she  alleges 

She's  taken  the  pledges! 

Determined  to  aid 

In  a  gen'ral  Crusade 
Against  publicans,  vintners,  and  all  of  that  trade, 
And  to  bring  in  sherbet,  ginger-pop,  lemonade, 
Pau  sucrie,  and  drinkables  mild  and  home-made  ; 
So  she  claims  her  friends'  efforts,  and  vows  to  devote  all  hera 
Solely  to  found  "The  Thoulousian  Teetotallers." 

Large  sums  she  employs 

In  dressing  small  boys 
In  long  duffle  jackets,  and  short  corduroys, 
And  she  boxes  their  ears  when  they  make  too  much  noise , 
In  short,  she  turns  out  a  complete  Lady  Bountiful, 
Filling  Avith  drugs  and  brown  Holland  the  county  full. 

Now  just  at  the  time  when  our  story  commences. 

It  seems  that  a  case 

Past  the  common  took  place, 
To  entail  on  her  ladyship  further  expenses. 
In  greeting  with  honour  befitting  his  station 
The  Prior  of  Ai-les,  with  a  Temperance  Legation, 
22 


254  A    LEGEXP    OF    LANGUEDOC. 

Despatch'd  by  Pope  Urban,  who  seized  this  occasion 
To  aid  in  diluting  that  part  of  the  nation, 

An  excellent  man, 

One  who  stuck  to  his  can 
Of  cold  water  **  without" — and  he'd  take  such  a  lot  of  it. 

None  of  your  sips 

That  just  moistens  the  lips ; 
At  one  single  draught  he  'd  toss  off  a  whole  pot  of  it, — 

No  such  bad  thing 

By  the  way,  if  they  bring 
It  you  iced  as  at  Verrey's,  or  fresh  from  the  spring, 
When  the  Dog  Star  compels  folks  in  town  to  take  wing, 
Though  I  own  even  then  I  should  see  no  great  sin  in  it, 
Were  there  three  drops  of  Sir  Felix's  gin  in  it. 

Well,  leaving  the  lady  to  follow  her  pleasure. 

And  finish  the  pump  with  the  Prior  at  leisure. 

Let 's  go  back  to  Raymond,  still  bored  beyond  measure, 

And  harping  away, 

On  the  same  dismal  lay, 
"  Oh  dear !  what  will  become  of  us  ? 
Oh  dear !  what  can  we  do  ? 
We  shall  die  of  blue  devils,  if  some  of  us 
Can't  find  out  something  that's  new!" 
At  length  in  despair  of  obtaining  his  ends 
By  his  own  mother  wit,  he  takes  courage  and  sends. 
Like  a  sensible  man  as  he  is,  for  his  friends. 
Not  his  Lyndhursts  or  Eldons,  or  any  such  high  sirs. 
But  only  a  few  of  his  "backstairs  "  advisers; 

"Come  hither,"  says  he, 

*'  My  gallants  so  free. 
My  bold  Rigmarole,  and  my  brave  Rigmaree, 
And  my  grave  Baron  Proser,  now  listen  to  me ! 
You  three  can't  but  see  I  'm  half  dead  with  ennui. 

What's  to  be  done? 

I  must  have  some  fun. 


THE    LORD    OF    THOULOUSE.  256 

And  I  will  too,  that's  flat  —  ay,  as  sure  as  a  guu 
So  find  me  out  '  something  new  under  the  sun,' 
Or  1  '11  knock  your  three  jobbernowls  all  into  one  !— 
You  three 
Agree ! 
Come,  what  shall  it  be  ? 
Resolve  me  —  propound  in  three  skips  of  a  ilea!" 

Rigmarole  gave  a  "Ha!"  Rigmaree  gave  a  "Hem!' 

They  look'd  at  Count  Raymond  —  Count  Raymond     i  ihem, 

As  much  as  to  say,  "  Have  you  nihil  ad  rem  ?" 

At  length  Baron  Proser 

Responded,  "You  know,  sir, 
That  question's  some  time  been  a  regular  poser* 

Dear  me! — let  me  see, — 

In  the  way  of  a  '  spree' 

Something  new  ?  —  Eh !  —  No !  —  Yes ! No  !  — 'tirf  reallv  uo 

go,  sir." 

Says  the  Count,  "Rigmarole, 

You're  as  jolly  a  soul. 
On  the  whole,  as  King  Cole,  with  his  pipe  and  his  bowl  : 
Come,  I'm  sure  you'll  devise  something  novel  and  droll." — 
In  vain  —  Rigmarole,  with  a  look  most  profound. 
With  his  hand  to  his  heart  and  his  eye  to  the  ground, 
Shakes  his  head  as  if  nothing  was  there  to  be  found. 

"I  can  only  remark. 

That  as  touching  a  '  lark' 
I  'la  as  much  as  your  Highness  can  be,  in  the  dark ; 
I  can  hit  on  no  novelty  —  none,  on  my  life, 
Unless,  peradventure,  you'd  'tea'  with  your  wife!" 

Quoth  Raymond,  "Enough! 

Nonsense  !  —  humbug !  —  fudge !  —  stuff! 
Rigmarole,  you're  an  ass, —  you're  a  regular  Muff! 
Drink  tea  with  her  ladyship?  —  I  ?  —  not  a  bit  of  it; 
Call  you  that  fun?  —  faith,  1  can't  see  the  wit  of  it; 

Mori  de  ma  vie! 

My  dear  Rigmaree, 


25G  A    LEGEND    OF    LANGUEDOC. 

You're  the  man,  after  all, — come,  by  way  of  a  fee. 

If  you  will  but  be  bright,  from  the  simple  degree 

Of  a  knight  I  '11  create  you  at  once  a  Mar-quis  ! 

Put  your  conjuring  cap  on  —  consider  and  see. 

If  you  can't  beat  that  stupid  old  '  Suraph'  with  his  '  tea!'  " 

"  That 's  the  thing !  that  will  do ! 

Ay,  marry,  that's  new!" 
Cries  Rigmaree,  rubbing  his  hands,  "that  will  please  — 
My  '  Conjuring  cap' — it's  the  thing:  —  it's  'the  cheese i' 
It  was  only  this  morning  I  pick'd  up  the  news ; 
Please  your  Highness,  a  Conjuror'' s  come  to  Thoulouse; 

I'll  defy  you  to  name  us 

A  man  half  so  famous 
For  devildoms, —  Sir,  it's  the  great  Nostradamus! 
Cornelius  Agrippa,  'tis  said,  went  to  school  to  him, 
Gyngell's  an  ass,  and  old  Faustus  a  fool  to  him, 
Talk  of  Lilly,  Albertus,  Jack  Dee  !  —  pooh  !  all  six 
He  'd  soon  put  in  a  pretty  particular  fix ; 
Why  he  'd  beat  at  digesting  a  sword,  or  '  Gun  tricks' 
The  great  Northern  Wizard  himself  all  to  sticks ! 

I  should  like  to  see  you 

Try  to  sauter  le  coup 
With  this  chap  at  short  whist,  or  unlimited  loo, 
By  the  Pope  you  'd  soon  find  it  a  regular  *  Do :' 
Why  he  does  as  he  likes  with  the  cards, —  when  he's  go^  >m. 
There 's  always  an  Ace  or  a  King  at  the  bottom ; 
Then  for  casting  Nativities !  —  only  you  look 
At  the  volume  he 's  publish'd, —  that  wonderful  book  ! 
In  all  France  not  another,  to  swear  I  dare  venture,  is 
Like,  by  long  chalks,  his  '  Prophetical  Centuries' — 
Don't  you  remember  how,  early  last  summer,  he 
Warn'd  the  late  King  'gainst  the  Tournament  mummery  ? 
Didn't  his  Majesty  call  it  all  iummery, 

Scorning 

The  warning. 

And  get  the  next  morning 
His  poke  in  the  eye  from  that  clumsy  Montgomery ' 


THE    LORD    OF    THOULOl/SE.  25T 

Wliy  he'll  tell  you,  before 
You're  well  inside  his  door, 
All  your  Highness  may  wish  to  be  up  to,  and  more  !" 

"Bravo!  —  capital!  —  come,  let's  disguise  ourselves  —  r[uickl 
—  Fortune 's  sent  him  on  purpose  here,  just  in  the  nick ; 
We  '11  see  if  old  Hocus  will  smell  out  the  trick ; 
Let's  start  off  at  once  —  Rigmaree,  you're  a  Brick!" 

The  moon  in  gentle  radiance  shone 

O'er  lowly  roof  and  lordly  bower, 

O'er  holy  pile  and  armed  tower, 
And  danced  upon  the  blue  Garonne : 
Through  all  that  silver'd  city  fair, 
No  sound  distui'b'd  the  calm,  cool  air, 

Save  the  lover's  sigh  alone ! 
Or  where,  perchance,  some  slumberer's  nose 
Proclaim'd  the  depth  of  his  repose. 
Provoking  from  connubial  toes 

A  hint  —  or  elbow-bone ; 
It  might,  with  such  trifling  exceptions,  be  said. 
That  Thoulouse  was  as  still  as  if  Thoulouse  were  dead, 
And  her  "  oldest  inhabitant"  buried  in  lead. 

But  hark !  a  sound  invades  the  ear, 

Of  horses'  ho  ifs  advancing  near ! 

They  gain  the  bridge  —  they  pass  —  they're  here! 
Side  by  side 
Two  strangers  ride, 
7or  the  streets  in  Thoulouse  are  sufficiently  wide. 
That  is  I'm  assured  they  are  —  not  having  tried. 

—  See,  now  they  stop 

Near  an  odd-looking  shop. 
And  they  knock,  and  they  ring,  and  they  won't  be  denied. 

At  length  the  command 
Of  some  unseen  hand 

22* 


/?58  A    LEGEND   OF    LANGUEDO*;. 

Chains,  and  bolts,  and  bars  obey, 

And  the  thick-ribb'd  oaken  door,  old  and  grej, 

In  the  pale  moonlight  gives,  slowly,  way. 

They  leave  their  steeds  to  a  page's  care, 

Who  comes  mounted  behind  on  a  Flanders  mare, 

And  they  enter  the  house,  that  resolute  pair. 

With  a  blundering  step,  but  a  dare-devil  air. 

And  ascend  a  long,  darksome,  and  rickety  stair ; 

While,  arm'd  with  a  lamp  that  just  helps  you  to  see 

How  uncommonly  dark  a  place  can  be, 

The  grimmest  of  lads  with  the  grimmest  of  grins, 

Says,  '< Gentlemen,  please  to  take  care  of  your  shins! 

Who  ventures  this  road  need  be  firm  on  his  pins  I 

Now  turn  to  the  left  —  now  turn  to  the  right  — 

Now  a  step  —  now  stoop  —  now  again  upright  — 

Now  turn  once  again,  and  directly  before  ye 

's  the  door  of  the  great  Doctor's  Labora-tory." 

A  word  !  a  blow ! 

And  in  they  go ! 
No  time  to  prepare,  or  to  get  up  a  show, 
Yet  rvery thing  there  they  find  quite  comme  ilfaui  :— 
Such  as  queer-looking  bottles  and  jars  in  a  row, 
Retorts,  crucibles,  such  as  all  conjurors  stow 
In  the  roora^  they  inhabit,  huge  bellows  to  blow 
The  fire  burning  blue  with  its  sulphur  and  tow ; 
From  the  roof  a  huge  crocodile  hangs  rather  low, 
With  a  tail,  such  as  that,  which,  we  all  of  us  know, 
Mr.  Waterman  managed  to  tie  in  a  bow ; 
Pickled  snakes,  potted  lizards,  in  bottles  and  basins 
Like  those  at  Morel's,  or  at  Fortnum  and  Mason's, 
All  articles  found,  you're  aware  without  telling, 
In  every  respectable  conjuror's  dwelling. 

Looking  solemn  and  wise. 
Without  turning  his  eyes, 
Or  betraying  the  slightest  degree  of  surprise, 


THE    LORD    OF    THOULOUSfi.  259 

In  the  midst  sits  the  doctor  —  his  hair  is  white, 
And  his  cheek  is  wan  —  but  his  glance  is  bright, 
And  his  long  black  roquelaure,  not  over-tight, 
Is  marked  with  strange  characters  much,  if  not  quite 
Like  those  on  the  bottles  of  green  and  blue  light 
Which  you  see  in  a  chymist's  shop-window  at  night 
His  figure  is  tall  and  erect  —  rather  spare  about 
Ribs,  —  and  no  wonder  —  such  folks  never  care  about 

Eating  or  drinking, 

While  reading  and  thinking, 
Don't  fatten  —  his  age  might  be  sixty  or  thereabout. 

Raising  his  eye  so  grave  and  so  sage, 

From  some  manuscript  work  of  a  bygone  age. 

The  seer  very  composedly  turns  down  the  page, 

Then  shading  his  sight, 

With  his  hand  from  the  light. 
Says,  "  Well,  Sirs,  what  would  you  at  this  time  of  night? 
What  brings  you  abroad  these  lone  chambers  to  tread, 
When  all  sober  folks  are  at  home  and  abed  ?" 

"  Trav'lers  we. 

In  our  degi'ee, 
All  strange  sights  we  fain  would  see, 
And  hither  we  come  in  company  ; 
We  have  far  to  go,  and  we  come  from  far, 
Through  Spain  and  Portingale,  France  and  Navarre ; 

We  have  heard  of  your  name, 

And  your  fame,  and  our  aim. 
Great  Sir,  is  to  witness,  ere  yet  we  depart 
From  Thoulouse,  —  and  to-morrow  at  cock-crow  we  start— * 
Your  skill  —  we  would  fain  crave  a  touch  of  your  art!" 

**Now  naye,  now  naye  —  no  trav'lers  ye! 

Nobles  ye  be 

Of  high  degree! 
With  half  an  eye  that  one  may  easily  see,  — 
Count  Raymond,  your  servant !  —  Yours,  Lord  Rigmaree  I 


260  A    LEGEND    OF    LANGUEDOC. 

I  must  call  you  so  noAV  since  you're  made  a  Mar-quis; 
Faith,  clever  boys  both,  but  you  can't  humbug  me ! 

No  matter  for  that! 

I  see  what  you'd  be  at  — 

Well  —  pray  no  delay, 

For  it's  late,  and  ei'e  day 
I  myself  must  be  hundreds  of  miles  on  my  way ; 
So  teU  me  at  once  what  you  want  with  me  —  say ! 

Shall  I  call  up  the  dead 

From  their  mouldering  bed?  — 
Shall  I  send  you  yourselves  down  to  Hades  instead  ?  — 
Shall  I  summon  old  Harry  himself  to  this  spot?" 

—  "  Ten  thousand  thanks,  No  !  we  had  much  rather  not. 

We  really  tjan't  say 

That  we're  curious  that  way; 
But,  in  brief,  if  yoa'U  pardon  the  trouble  we're  giving, 
We 'd  much  rather  take  a  sly  peep  at  the  living? 

Rigmaree,  what  say  you,  in 

This  case,  as  to  viewing 
Our  spouses,  and  just  ascertain  what  they're  doing?" 
"Just  what  pleases  your  Highness  —  I  don't  care  a  sous  in 
The  matter  —  but  don't  let  old  Nick  and  his  crew  in!" 

—  "  Agreed !  — pray  preceded  then,  most  sage  Nostradamus, 
And  show  us  our  wives  —  I  dare  swear  they  won't  shame  us!" 

A  change  comes  o'er  the  wizard's  face, 
And  his  solemn  look  by  degrees  gives  place 
To  a  half  grave,  half  comical,  kind  of  grimace. 
"For  good  or  for  ill^ 
I  work  your  will ! 
Yours  be  the  risk  and  mine  the  skill ; 
Blame  not  my  art  if  unpleasant  the  pill!" 

He  takes  from  a  shelf,  and  he  pops  on  his  head, 

A  S(T[uare  sort  of  cap,  black,  and  turn'd  up  with  rod^ 

And  desires  not  a  syllal  le  more  may  be  said : 


THE    LORD    OP    THOULOUSE.  261 

He  goes  on  to  mutter, 

And  stutter,  and  sputter 
.  lard  TTords,  such  as  no  men  but  wizards  dare  utter. 

"  Dies  mies !  —  Hocus  pocus  — 

Adsis  Demon !  non  est  jokus ! 

Hi  Cocolorum  —  don't  provoke  us!  — 
Adesto ! 
Presto ! 

Put  forth  your  best  toe !'' 
And  many  more  words,  to  repeat  which  would  choke  us,  — 
Such  a  sniff  then  of  brimstone !  — it  did  not  last  long. 
Or  they  could  not  have  borne  it,  the  smell  was  so  strong. 

A  mirror  is  near, 

So  large  and  so  elear, 
If  you  priced  such  a  one  in  a  drawing-room  here. 
And  was  ask'd  fifty  pounds,  you  'd  not  say  it  was  dear ; 
But  a  mist  gather'd  round  at  the  wordj  of  the  seer. 

Till  at  length  as  the  gloom 

Was  subsiding,  a  room 
On  its  broad  polish'd  surface  began  to  appear, 
And  the  Count  and  his  comrade  saw  plainly  before  'em. 
The  room  Lady  Isabel  called  her  ^'■Sanctorum." 

They  start,  well  they  might, 

With  surprise  at  the  sight, 
Methinks  I  hear  some  lady  say,  "  Serve  'em  right !" 

For  on  one  side  the  fire 

Is  seated  the  Prior, 
At  the  opposite  corner  a  fat  little  Friar ; 
By  the  side  of  each  gentleman,  easy  and  free, 
Sits  a  lady,  as  close  as  close  well  may  be, 
She  might  almost  as  well  have  been  perch'd  On  his  knee. 

Dear  me !  dear  me ! 

Why  one 's  Isabel  —  she 
On  the  opposite  side's  La  Marquise  Rigmaree!  — 

To  judge  from  the  spread 

On  the  board,  you'd  have  said 


262  A    LEGEND    OF    LANGUEDOC. 

That  the  partie  quarree  had  like  aldermen  fed, 

And  now  from  long  flasks  with  necks  cover'd  with  le.'id, 

They  were  helping  themselves  to  champagne,  white  uni  red 

Hobbing  and  nobbing, 

And  nodding  and  bobbing, 

With  many  a  sip 

Both  from  cup  and  from  lip, 
And  with  many  a  toast  folio w*d  up  by  a  **Hip !  — 

Hip !  —  hip !  —  huzzay  !" 

—  The  Count,  by  the  way, 
Though  he  sees  all  they  're  doing,  can't  hear  what  they  say 

Notwithstanding  both  he 

And  3far-quis  Riymaree 
Are  po  yex'd  and  excited  at  what  they  can  see, 
That  each  utters  a  sad  word  beginning  with  D. 

That  word  once  spoke, 

The  silence  broke, 
In  an  instant  the  vision  is  cover'd  with  smoke ! 
But  enough  has  been  seen.     "  Horse!  horse!  and  away!" 
They  have,  neither,  the  least  inclination  to  stay, 
E'en  to  thank  Nostradamus,  or  ask  what 's  to  pay. — 

They  rush  down  the  stair, 

How,  they  know  not,  nor  care. 
The  next  moment  the  Count  is  astride  on  his  bay. 
And  my  Lord  Rigmaree  on  his  mettlesome  grey ; 

They  dash  through  the  town. 

Now  up,  and  now  down ; 
And  the  stones  rattle  under  their  hoofs  as  they  ride, 
As  if  poor  Thoulouse  were  as  mad  as  Cheapside  ;* 

Through  lane,  alley,  and  street. 

Over  all  that  they  meet ; 
The  Count  1  )ads  the  way  on  his  courser  so  fleet, 


'  The  stones  did  rattle  underneath, 
As  if  Cheapside  were  mad." 

Gilpin's  Tour  in  Middlesex  and  Herti 


THE    LCilD    OF    THOU  LOUSE.  2G3 

My  Lord  Rigmaree  close  pursuing  his  beat, 

With  the  page  in  the  rear  to  protect  the  retreat. 

Where  the  bridge  spans  the  river,  so  wide  and  so  deep, 

Their  headlong  career  o"cr  the  causeway  they  keep, 

Upsetting  the  watchman,  two  dogs,  and  a  sweep, 

All  the  town  population  that  was  not  asleep. 

They  at  length  reach  the  castle,  just  outside  the  town, 

Where  —  in  peace  it  was  usual  with  Knights  of  renown  — 

The  portcullis  was  up,  and  the  drawbridge  was  down. 

They  dash  by  the  sentinels — ^'■France  et  Tholovxe  !"' 

Ev'ry  soldier  ( — they  then  wore  cock'd  hats  and  loig:  qneueiy 

Appendages  banish'd  from  modern  reviews), 

His  arquebus  lower'd,  and  bow'd  to  his  shoes ; 

While  Count  Raymond  push'd  on  to  his  lady's  boudoir  —  he 

Had  made  up  his  mind  to  make  one  at  her  soirie. 

He  rush'd  to  that  door. 

Where  ever  before. 
He  had  rapp'd  with  his  knuckles,  and  "tirl'd  at  the  pin," 
Till  he  heard  the  soft  sound  of  his  Lady's  Come  in!" 
But  now,  with  a  kick  from  his  iron-heel'd  boot, 
Which,  applied  to  a  brick  wall,  at  once  had  gone  through  't, 

He  dash'd  open  the  lock; 

It  gave  way  at  the  shock ! 
( — Dear  ladies,  don't  think  in  recording  the  fact, 
That  your  bard 's  for  one  moment  defending  the  act. 
No  —  it  is  not  a  gentleman's  —  none  but  a  low  body 
No  —  could  perform  it)  —  and  there  he  saw  —  NOBODY! ! 

Nobody?  — No!! 

Oh,  ho!  — Oh,  ho! 
There  was  not  a  table  —  there  was  not  a  chair 
Of  all  that  Count  Raymond  had  ever  seen  there 
(They'd  maroon-leather  bottoms  well  stuff 'd  with  horse- hair j, 

That  was  out  of  its  place !  — 

There  was  not  a  trace 
Of  a  party  —  there  was  not  a  dish  or  a  plate  — 
No  sign  of  a  table-cloth  —  nothing  to  prate 


264  A    LEGEND    OF    LANGUEDOC. 

Of  a  supper,  symposium,  or  sitting  up  late ; 

There  was  not  a  spark  of  fire  left  in  the  grate, 

It  had  all  been  poked  out,  and  remain'd  in  that  state. 

If  there  was  not  a  fire, 

Still  less  was  there  friar, 
Marquise,  or  long  glasses,  or  Countess,  or  Prior, 
And  the  Count,  who  rush'd  in  open-mouth'd,  was  struck  dumb, 
And  could  only  ejaculate,  "  Well!  —  this  is  rum!" 
He  rang  for  the  maids  —  had  them  into  the  room 
With  the  butler,  the  footman,  the  coachman,  the  groom, 
He  examined  them  all  very  strictly  —  but  no  I 
Notwithstanding  he  cross-  and  re-question'd  them  so, 
'Twas  in  vain  —  it  was  clearly  a  case  of  "  No  Go !" 

"Their  Lady,"  they  said, 

"  Had  gone  early  to  bed. 
Having  rather  complain'd  of  a  cold  in  her  head  — 
The  stout  little  Friar,  as  round  as  an  apple, 
Had  pass'd  the  whole  night  in  a  vigil  in  chapel. 
While  the  Prior  himself,  as  he  'd  usually  done. 
Had  rung  in  the  morning,  at  half-after  one. 
For  his  jug  of  cold  water  and  twopenny  bun, 
And  been  visible,  since  they  were  brought  him,  to  none. 

But,"  the  servants  averr'd, 

"From  the  sounds  that  were  heard 
To  proceed  now  and  then  from  the  father's  sacellum 

They  thought  he  was  purging 

His  sins  with  a  scourging, 
And  making  good  use  of  his  'kxioiied.  fiagellum." 

For  Madame  Rigmaree, 

They  all  testified,  she 
Had  gone  up  to  her  bed-chamber  soon  after  tea. 
And  they  really  supposed  that  there  still  she  must  be, 

Which  her  spouse,  the  Mar-quis, 

Found  at  once  to  agree 
With  the  rest  of  their  tale,  when  he  ran  up  to  see. 


THE    LORD    OF    THOULOUSE.  26' 

Alack  for  Count  Raymond !  lie  could  not  conceive 
How  the  case  really  stood,  or  know  what  to  believe ; 
Ncr  could  Rigmaree  settle  to  laugh  or  to  grieve 

There  was  clearly  a  hoax, 

But  which  of  the  folks 
Had  managed  to  make  them  the  butt  of  their  jokes, 
Wife  or  wizard,  they  both  knew  no  more  than  Jack  Nokef« 

That  glass  of  the  wizard's 

Stuck  much  in  their  gizzards, 
His  cap,  and  his  queer  cloak  all  X's  and  Izzards ; 
Then  they  found,  when  they  came  to  examine  again, 
Some  slight  falling  oft'  in  the  stock  of  champagne, 
Small,  but  more  than  the  butler  could  fairly  explain. 
However,  since  nothing  could  make  the  truth  known, 
Why,  —  they  thought  it  was  best  to  let  mattei'S  alone. 

The  Count  in  the  garden 

Begg'd  Isabel's  pardon 
Next  morning  for  waking  her  up  in  a  fright, 
By  the  racket  he'd  kick'd  up  at  that  time  of  night; 
And  gave  her  his  word  he  had  ne'er  misbehaved  so, 
Had  he  not  come  home  as  tipsy  as  David's  sow. 
Still,  to  give  no  occasion  for  family  snarls, 
The  friar  was  pack'd  back  to  his  convent  at  Aries, 

While  as  for  the  prior. 

At  Raymond's  desire, 
The  Pope  raised  his  rev'rence  a  step  or  two  higher. 
And  made  him  a  bishop  in  partihus — Vhere 
His  see  was  I  cannot  exactly  declare, 
Or  describe  his  cathedral,  not  having  been  there. 
But  I  dare  say  you'll  all  be  prepared  for  the  news, 
When  I  say  'twas  a  good  many  miles  from  Thoulouse, 
Where  the  prelate,  in  order  to  set  a  good  precedent. 
Was  enjoin'd,  as  a  sine  qu(i  non,  to  be  resident. 

You  will  fancy  with  me, 

That  Count  Raymond  was  free, 
For  the  rest  of  his  life,  from  his  former  e.nnui: 
23 


266  A    LEGEND    OF    LANOUEDOO. 

Still  it  somehow  occurr'd  that  as  often  as  he 
Chanced  to  look  in  the  face  of  my  Lord  Rigmaree, 
There  was  something  or  other  —  a  trifling  degree 
Of  constraint  —  or  embarrassment — easy  to  see, 
And  which  seera'd  to  be  shared  by  the  noble  Mar-quis, 
While  the  ladies  —  the  queerest  of  all  things  by  half  in 
My  tale,  never  met  from  that  hour  without  laughing. 


Moral. 

Good  gentlemen  all,  who  are  subjects  of  Hymen, 
Don't  make  new  acquaintances  rashly,  but  try  men, 
Avoid  above  all  things  your  cunning  (that 's  sly)  men ! 

Don't  go  out  o'  nights 

To  see  conjuring  sleights. 
But  shun  all  such  people,  delusion  whose  trade  is ; 
Be  wise!  —  stay  at  home  and  take  tea  with  the  ladies. 

If  you  chance  to  be  out. 

At  a  "regular  bout," 
And  get  too  much  of  "Abbot's  Pale  Ale"  or  "Brown  Stout," 
Don't  be  cross  when  you  come  home  at  night  to  your  spouse, 
Nor  be  noisy,  nor  kick  up  a  dust  in  the  house ! 

Be  careful  yourself,  and  adnionish  your  sons, 

To  beware  of  all  folks  who  love  twopenny  buns! 

And  don't  introduce!  to  your  wife  or  your  daughter, 

A  sleek,  meek,  weak  gent  —  who  subsists  on  cold  water  1 


TOE    WEDDING-DAY.  267 

The  main  incident  recorded  in  the  following  excerpta 
from  our  family  papers  has  but  too  solid  a  foundation. 
The  portrait  of  Roger  Ingoldsby  is  not  among  those  in 
the  gallery,  but  I  have  some  recollection  of  having  seen, 
when  a  boy,  a  picture  answering  the  description  here 
given  of  him,  much  injured,  and  lying  without  a  frame 
in  one  of  the  attics. 

THE   WEDDING-DAY; 
OR,  THE  BUCCANEER'S  CURSE. 

A    FAMILY    LEGEND. 

It  has  a  jocund  sound, 

That  gleeful  marriage  chime, 

As  from  the  old  and  ivied  tower, 
It  peals,  at  the  early  matin  hour, 
Its  merry,  merry  round ; 
And  the  Spring  is  in  its  prime, 

And  the  song-bird,  on  the  spray, 
Trills  fi*om  his  throat,  in  varied  note, 
An  emulative  lay  — 

It  has  a  joyous  sound ! ! 
And  the  Vicar  is  there  with  his  wig  and  his  book. 
And  the  Clerk,  with  his  grave,  gMasj-sanctified  look, 
And  there  stand  the  village  maids,  all  with  their  posies. 
Their  lilies,  and  daffy-down-dillies,  and  roses, 
Dight  in  white, 
A  comely  sight. 
Fringing  the  path  to  the  left  and  the  right ; 
—  From  our  nursery  days  we  all  of  us  know 
Ne'er  doth  "  Our  Ladye's  garden  grow" 
So  fair  for  a  **  Grand  Horticultural  Show" 
(Vs  whwD  border'd  with  "pretty  maids  all  on  a  row." 


268  A    FAMILY    LEGEND. 

And  the  urcliins  are  there,  escaped  from  the  ru} 
Of  that  *' Limbo  of  Infants,"  the  Nati/jual  Soho< 

Whooping,  and  bawhng. 

And  squalling,  and  calling, 

And  crawling,  and  creeping, 

And  jumping,  and  leaping, 
Bo-peeping  'midst  "many  a  mould'ring  heap"  in 
Whose  bosom  their  own  "rude  forefathers"  are  sleeping; 
— Young  rascals  I  —  instead  of  lamenting  and  weeping, 

Laughing  and  gay, 

A  gorge  deploy ec  — 
Only  now  and  then  pausing  —  and  checking  their  play, 
To  "  wonder  what  'tis  makes  the  gentlefolks  stay," 

Ah,  well  a-day! 

Little  deem  they, 
Poor  ignorant  dears !  the  bells,  ringing  away, 

Are  anything  else 

Than  mere  parish  bells, 
Or  that  each  of  them,  should  we  go  into  its  history, 
Is  but  a  "  Symbol"  of  some  deeper  mystery  — 

That  the  clappere  and  ropes 

Are  mere  practical  tropes 
Of  "trumpets"  and  "tongues,"  and  of  "preachers,"  and  popes, 
Unless  Clement  the  Fourth's  worthy  Chaplain,  Durand,  err, 
See  the  ^^Jialionale,"  of  that  goosey-gander. 

Gently!  gently.  Miss  Muse! 

Mind  your  P's  and  your  Q's! 
Pon't  be  malapert  —  laugh,  Miss,  but  never  abuse! 
Calling  names,  whether  done  to  attack  or  to  back  a  schism, 
Is,  Miss,  beUeve  m^,  a  great  piece  of  jack-ass-ism. 

And  as,  on  the  whole, 

You're  a  good-natured  soul. 

You  must  never  enact  such  a  pitiful  r6le. 
No,  no.  Miss,  pull  up,  and  go  back  to  your  boys 
In  the  churchyard,  who 're  making  this  hubbub  and  noise- 


THE    WEDDING-DAT.  2C9 

But  husli!  there's  an  end  to  their  romping  and  mumining, 
For  voices  are  heard  —  here's  the  company  coming! 

And  see, —  the  avenue  gates  unfold, 
And  forth  they  pace,  that  bridal  train, 
The  grave,  the  gay,  the  young,  the  old, 
They  cross  the  green  and  grassy  lane, 
Bridesman,  Bridesmaid,  Bridegroom,  Bride, 
Two  by  two,  and  side  by  side, 
Uncles,  and  aunts,  friends  tried  and  proved, 
And  cousins,  a  great  many  times  removed. 
A  fairer  or  a  gentler  she, 
A  lovelier  maid,  in  her  degree, 
Man's  eye  might  never  hope  to  see, 
Than  darling,  bonnie  Maud  Ingoldsby, 
The  flow'r  of  that  goodly  company ; 
While  whisp'ring  low,  with  bated  voice, 
Close  by  her  side,  her  heart's  dear  choice, 
Walks  Fredville's  hope,  young  Valentine  Boys 
—  But  where,  oh  where, — 
Is  Ingoldsby's  heir? 
LiiAe  Jack  Ingoldsby?  —  where,  oh  where? 
Why  he's  here, —  and  he's  there, 
And  he 's  every  where  — 
He's  there,  and  he's  here; 
In  the  front  —  in  the  rear, — 
Now  this  side,  now  that  side, —  now  far,  and  now  near — 
The  Puck  of  the  party,  the  darling  "pet"  boy. 
Full  of  mischief,  and  fun,  and  good-humour  and  joy; 
With  his  laughing  blue  eye,  and  his  cheek  like  a  rose, 
And  his  long  curly  locks,  and  his  little  snub  nose ; 
In  his  tunic,  and  trousers,  and  cap  —  thei*e  he  goes! 
Now  pinching  the  bridesmen, — now  teazing  his  sister. 
And  telling  the  bridesmaids  how  "  Valentino  kiss'd  her;" 
The  torment,  the  plague,  the  delight  of  them  all. 
See,  he's  into  the  churchyard!  —  he's  over  the  wall  — 
23* 


270  A    FAMILY    LEGEND. 

OamboUing,  frolicking,  capering  away, 
He's  the  first  in  the  chui-ch,  be  the  second  who  may  I 
*  -K-  *  *  * 

'Tis  o'er;  —  the  holy  rite  is  done, 
The  rite  that  "incorporates  two  in  one," 
— And  now  for  the  feasting,  and  fiolic,  and  fun ! 
Spai-e  we  to  tell  of  the  smiling  and  sighing, 
Tlie  shaking  of  hands,  the  embracing,  and  crying, 
The  "toot  —  toot  —  toot" 
Of  the  tabour  and  flute. 
Of  the  white-wigg'd  Vicar's  prolong'd  salute. 
Or  of  how  the  blithe  "College  Youths," — rather  old  stagers 
Accustomed,  for  years,  to  pull  bell-ropes  for  wagers  — 
Hang,  faster  than  ever,  their  "  triple-bob-MAJORS ;" 
(So  loud  as  to  charm  ye, 
At  once  and  alarm  ye ; 
— "  St/mbolic,'"  of  course,  of  that  rank  in  the  army.) 

Spare  we  to  tell  of  the  fees  and  the  dues 
To  the  "little  old  woman  that  open'd  the  pews," 
Of  the  largesse  bestow'd  on  the  Sexton  and  Clerk, 
Of  the  four-year-old  sheep  roasted  whole  in  the  park , 

Of  the  laughing  and  joking. 

The  quaffing,  and  smoking, 
And  chaffing,  and  broaching  —  that  is  to  say,  poking 
A  hole  in  a  mighty  magnificent  tub 

Of  what  men,  in  our  hemisphere,  term  "Humming  Bub." 
But  which  gods,  —  who,  it  seems,  use  a  different  lingo 
From  mortals,  —  are  wont  to  denominate  "  Stingo." 

Spare  we  to  tell  of  the  horse-collar  grinning: 

The  cheese !  the  reward  of  the  ugly  one  winning  ; 

Of  the  young  ladies  racing  for  Dutch  body-linen, — 

— The   soapy-tail'd   sow,  —  a  rich   prize   when  you've   cauglit 

her,  — 
Of  little  boys  bobbing  for  pippins  in  water; 


THE    WEDDING-DAY.  271 

The  smacks  and  the  whacks, 

And  the  jumpers  in  sacks, 
these  aown  on  their  noses  and  those  on  their  backs ;  — 
Nor  skills  it  to  speak  of  those  darling  old  ditties, 
Sung  rarely  in  hamlets  now  —  never  in  cities. 
The  ''King  and  the  Miller"  the  '■'■Bold  Robin  Ilood,'^ 
"  Chevy  Chase"  "  Gilderoy,'"  and  the  ''Babes  in  the  Wood!'* 

— You'll  say  that  my  taste 

Is  sadly  misplaced. 
But  I  can't  help  confessing  these  simple  old  tunes, 
The  "  Auld  Robin  Grays"  and  the  "  Aileen  Aroons,^* 
The  '•  Gramachme  Mollys"  and  "  Sioeet  Bonny  Doons" 

Are  dearer  to  me, 

In  a  tenfold  degree, 
Than  a  ^wq  fantasia  from  over  the  sea; 
And,  for  sweetness,  compared  with  a  Beethoven  fugue,  are 
As  "best-refined  loaf,"  to  the  coarsest  "brown  sugar;"* 
—  Alack,  for  the  Bard's  want  of  science  I  to  which  he  owes 
All  this  misliking  of  foreign  capricios  ?  — 

Not  that  he'd  say 

One  word,  by  the  way, 
To  disparage  our  new  Idol,  Monsieur  Duprez  — 
But  he  grudges,  he  owns,  his  departed  half-guinea, 
Each  Saturday  night  when,  devour'd  by  chagrin,  he 
Sits  listening  to  singers  whose  names  end  in  ini. 

But  enough  of  the  rustics  —  let's  leave  them  pursuing 
Their  out-of-door  gambols,  and  just  take  a  view  in 
The  inside  the  hall,  and  see  what  they  are  doing ; 

And  first  there's  the  Squire, 

The  hale,  hearty  sire 
Of  the  bride, — with  his  coat-tails  subducted  and  higher, 
A  thought,  than  they're  commonly  wont  to  aspire: 
His  back  and  his  buckskins  exposed  to  the  fire ;  — 

*  Ad  Amicum,  Ssrvientem  ad  legem  — 

This  rhyme,  if,  when  scann'd  by  your  critical  "jar  it 
Is  not  quite  legitimate,  comes  pretty  near  it.  —  T.I 


272  A    FAMILY    LEGEND. 

—  Bright,  bright  are  his  buttons,  — and  bright  is  the  hue 
Of  his  squarely-cut  coat  of  fine  Saxony  blue ; 

And  bright  the  shalloon  of  his  little  quill'd  queue  ; 

— White,  white  as  "Young  England's,"  the  dimity  vest 

Which  descends  like  an  avalanche  o'er  his  broad  breast. 

Till  its  further  progression  is  put  in  arrest 

By  the  portly  projection  that  springs  from  his  chest, 

Overhanging  the  garment  —  that  can't  be  exprest; 

— White,  white  are  his  locks,  —  which,  had  Nature  fair  play. 

Had  appear'd  a  clear  brown,  slightly  sprinkled  with  grey ; 

But  they  're  white  as  the  peaks  of  Plinlimmon  to-day. 

Or  Ben  Nevis,  his  pate  is  &i  bien  poudrS  ! 

Bi-ight,  bright  are  the  boots  that  envelope  his  heels, 

—  Bright,  bright  is  the  gold  chain  suspending  his  seals, 
And  still  brighter  yet  may  the  gazer  descry 

The  tear-drop  that  spangles  the  fond  father's  eye 

As  it  lights  on  the  bride  — 

His  beloved  one  —  the  pride 
And  delight  of  his  heart,  —  sever'd  now  fi'om  his  side  ;  — 

But  brighter  than  all, 

Arresting  its  fall. 
Is  the  smile,  that  rebukes  it  for  spangling  at  all, 

—  A  clear  case,  in  short,  of  what  old  poets  tell,  as 
Blind  Homer  for  instance,  tv  Smpvai  yiXof. 

Then,  there  are  the  Bride  and  the  Bridegroom,  withdrawn 
To  the  deep  Gothic  window  that  looks  on  the  lawn. 
Ensconced  on  a  squab  of  maroon-colour'd  leather. 
And  talking — and  thinking,  no  doubt  —  of  the  weather. 

But  here  comes  the  party  —  Room!  room  for  the  guests! 
In  their  Pompadour  coats,  and  laced  ruffles,  and  vests, 

—  First,  Sir  Charles  Grandison 
Baronet,  and  his  son, 

Charles, — the  mamma  does  not  venture  to  ''show"  — 

—  Miss  Byron,  you  know, 
She  was  call'd  long  ago  — 


THE    WEDDIXO-DAY.  273 

For  that  lady,  'twas  said,  had  been  playing  the  d — 1, 

Last  season,  in  town,  with  her  old  bean,  Squire  Grcville, 

Which  very  much  shock'd,  and  chagrin'd,  as  may  well  be 

Supposed,  "Doctor  Bartlett,"  and  "Good  Uncle  Selby." 

—  Sir  Charles,  of  course,  could  not  give  Greville  his  gruel,  iu 

Order  to  prove  his  abhorrence  of  duelling, 

Nor  try  for,  deterr'd  by  the  serious  expense,  a 

Complete  separation  a  thoro  el  mensa, 

So  he  "kept  a  calm  sough,"  and,  when  ask'd  to  a  party, 

A  dance,  or  a  dinner,  or  tea  and  ecard, 

He  went  with  his  son,  and  said,  looking  demurely. 

He'd  "left  her  at  home,  as  she  found  herself  poorly." 

Two  foreigners  near, 

"Of  distinction,"  appear; 
A  pair  more  illustrious  you  ne'er  heard  of,  or  saw, 
Count  Ferdinand  Fathom, — Count  Thaddeus  of  Warsaw, 
All  cover'd  with  glitt'ring  bijouterie  and  hair  —  Poles, 
Whom  Lord  Dudley  Stuart  calls  "  Patriot," — Hook  "  Bare  Poles  ;" 
Such  rings,  and  such  brooches,  such  studs,  and  such  pins ! 

'Twere  hard  to  say  which 

Were  more  gorgeous  and  rich. 
Or  more  truly  Mosaic,  their  chains  or  their  chins  I 
Next  Sir  Roger  de  Coverley,  —  Mr.  Will  Ramble, 
With  Dame  Lismahago,  {nee  Tabitha  Bramble),  — 
Mr.  Random  and  Spouse,  —  Mrs.  Pamela  Booby, 
(Whose  nose  was  acquiring  a  tinge  of  the  ruby. 
And  "people  did  sa^/"  —  but  no  matter  for  that,... 
Folks  were  not  then  enlighten'd  by  good  Father  Mat.) — 
— Three  friends  from  "the  Colonies"  near  them  were  seen, 
The  Great  Massachusetts  man.  General  Muff  Green,— 
Mr.  .Jonathan  W.  Doubikins,  —  men 

"Influential  some,"  —  and  their  "smart"  Uncle  Ben;  — 
Rev.  Abraham  Adams  (preferr'd  to  a  stall),  — 
—  Mr.  Jones  and  his  lady,  from  Allwortliy  Hall ; 

—  Our  fi'iend  Tom,  by  the  way. 

Had  turn'd  out  ratlicr  gay 
For  a  married  man  — certainly  "people  did  say.^- 


274  A    FAMILY    LEGEND, 

He  was  shrewdly  suspected  of  using  his  wife  ill, 

And  being  as  sly  as  his  half-brother  Blifil.  — 

(Miss  Seagrim,  'tis  well  known,  was  now  in  high  feather. 

And  "people  did  say,'"  they'd  been  seen  out  together, — 

A  fact,  the  "Boy  Jones,"  who,  in  our  days,  with  malice 

Aforethought,  so  often  got  into  the  Palace, 

Would  seem  to  confirm,  as  'tis  whisper'd  he  owns,  he's 

The  son  of  a  natural  son  of  Tom  Jones's.) 

Lady  Bellaston  {mem.  she  had  not  been  invited!) 

Sir  Peregrine  Pickle,  now  recently  knighted, — 

All  joyous,  all  happy,  all  looking  delighted! 

—  It  would  bore  you  to  death  should  I  pause  to  describe, 
Or  enumerate  half  of  the  elegant  tribe 

Who  fiU'd  the  back-ground, 

And  among  whom  were  found 
The  elite  of  the  old  country  families  round, 
Such  as  Honeywood,  Oxenden,  Knatchbull,  and  Norton, 
Matthew  Robinson,*  too,  with  his  beard  fr  ;m  Monk's  Horton. 
The  Faggs.  and  Finch-Hattons,  Tokes,  Derings,  and  Deedses, 
And  Fairfax,  (who  then  called  the  castle  of  Leeds  his ;) 

Esquires,  Knights,  and  Lords, 

In  bag- wigs  and  swords ; 

And  the  troops,  and  the  groups 

Of  fine  Ladies  in  hoops  : 
The  pompoons,  the  toupites,  and  the  diamonds  and  feathers 

The  flower'd-silk  sacgues 

Which  they  wore  on  their  backs, — 

—  How  ?  —  sacques  and  pompoons,  with  the  Squire's  boots  and 

leathers  ? — 

Stay !  stay !  —  I  suspect, 
Here 's  a  trifling  neglect 

*  A  worthy  and  eccentric  country  gentleman,  afterwards  the  second  Lord 
Kokeby,  being  cousin  ("  a  great  many  times  removed  ")  and  successor  in  the 
barony  to  Kichard,  Archbishop  of  Armagli,  who  first  bore  that  title. —  Ilif* 
board  was  truly  patriarchal. —  Mr.  Muiitz's  —  pooh  I — 


THE    WEDDING-DAY.  275 

On    you.     J  irt,    Madame    Muse  —  though    you  're   commonly 

accuifite, 
As  to  costume,  as  brown  Quaker,  or  black  Curate, 

For  once,  I  confess, 

Here  you're  out  as  to  dress; 
You  've  been  fairly  caught  napping,  which  gives  me  distress, 
For  I  can't  but  acknowledge  it  is  not  the  thing, 
Sir  Roger  de  Coverley's  laced  suit  to  bring 
Into  contact  with  square-cut  coats, —  such  as  George  Byng 
And  poor  dear  Sir  Francis  appear'd  in,  last  spring. — 
So,  having  for  once  been  compell'd  to  acknowledge,  I 
've  made  a  small  hole  in  our  mutual  chronology, 
Canter  on.  Miss,  without  farther  apology, — 

Only  don't  make 

Such  another  mistake. 
Or  you  '11  get  in  a  scrape,  of  which  I  shall  partake ;  — 
Enough! — you  are  sorry  for  what  you  have  done. 
So  dry  your  eyes.  Miss,  blow  your  nose,  and  go  on ! 

Well  —  the  party  are  met,  all  radiant  and  gay. 

And  how  ev'ry  person  is  dress'd  —  we  won't  say  ; 

Suffice  it,  they  all  come  glad  homage  to  pay 

To  our  dear  "bonnie  Maud,"  on  her  own  wedding-day. 

To  dance  at  her  bridal,  and  help  "  throw  the  stocking," 

— A  practice  that's  now  discontinued  as  shocking. 

There  's  a  breakfast,  they  know  — 

There  always  is  so 
On  occasions  like  these,  wheresoever  you  go. 
Of  course  there  are  "lots"  of  beef,  potted  and  hung, 
Prawns,  lobsters,  cold  fowl,  and  cold  ham,  and  cold  tongm 
Hot  tea,  and  hot  coffee,  hot  rolls,  and  hot  toast. 
Cold  pigeon-pie  (rook?),  and  cold  boil'd  and  cold  roast. 
Scotch  marmalade,  jellies,  cold  cream,  colder  ices  — 
Blancmange,  which  young  ladies  say,  so  very  nice  is, — 
Kock-melons  in  thick,  pines  in  much  thinner  slices, — 


27G  A    FAMILY    LEGEND. 

Char,  potted  with  clarified  butter  and  spices, 

Renewing  an  appetite  long  past  its  crisis  — 

Refined  barley-sugar,  in  various  deAaces. 

Such  as  bridges,  and  baskets,  and  temples,  and  grottoes  — ' 

And  nasty  French  lucifer  snappers  with  mottoes. 

—  In  short,  all  those  gimcracks  together  were  met 
Which  people  of  fashion  tell  Gunter  to  get 
When  they  give  a  grand  dije^ner  d.  la  fourchette  — 

(A  phrase  which,  though  French,  in  our  language  still  lingers, 
Intending  a  breakfast  with  forks  and  not  fingers.) 
And  see !  what  a  mountainous  bride-cake  I —  a  thing 
By  itself — with  small  pieces  to  pass  through  the  ring! 

Now  as  to  the  wines! — "Ay,  the  wine?"  cries  the  Squire, 
Letting  fall  both  his  coat-tails — which  nearly  take  fire, — 

Rubbing  his  hands. 

He  calls  out,  as  he  stands, 
To  the  serving-men  waiting  "his  Honour's"  commands, 
"  The  wine  ! — to  be  sure  —  here  you,  Harry  —  Bob —  Dick  — 
"The   wine,    don't  yoa  hear?  —  bring    us   lights — come,    be 

quick ! — 
And  a  crow-bar  to  knock  down  the  mortar  and  brick  — 

Say  what  they  may 

'Fore  George  we  '11  make  way 
Into  old  Roger  Ingoldsby's  cellar  to-day  ; 
And  let  loose  his  captives,  imprison'd  so  long. 
His  flasks,  and  his  casks,  that  he  brick'd  up  so  strong!" — 

—  "Oh  dear!  oh  dear!  Squire  Ingoldsby,  bethink  you  what 

you  do!" 
Exclaims  old  Mrs.  Botherby,* — she  is  in  such  a  steAvl — 
"Oh  dear!  oh  dear!  what  do  I  hear? — full  oft  you've  heard 

me  tell 
Of  the  curse  'Wild  Roger'  left  upon  whoe'er  should  break  his 

cell : 

*  Grcat-grnrdtrinmnin,  by  the  ffitln^f's  side,  to  the  excellent  lady  of  the  same 
name  who  yet  "  keeps  the  keys  "  at  Tappingtou. 


THE    WEDDING-DAY.  277 

"  Full  five-and-twenty  years  are  gone  since  Roger  went  away, 
As  I  bethink  me,  too,  it  was  upon  this  very  day ! 
And  I  was  then  a  comely  dame,  and  you,  a  springald  gay, 
Were  up  and  down  to  London  town,  at  opera,  ball,  and  play ; 
Your  locks  were  nut-brown  then.  Squire — you  grow  a  little 
grey  !— 

***Wild  Roger,'    so    we    call'd    him  then,    your    grandsire's 
youngest  son, 

He  was,  in  truth, 
A  wayward  youth, 
We  fear'd  him,  every  one 
In  ev'ry  thing  he  had  his  will,  he  would  be  stay'd  by  none. 
And  when  he  did  a  naughty  thing,  he  laugh'd  and  call'd  it  fun ! 
—  Oae  day  his  father  chid  him  sore  —  I  know  not  what  he 'd 
done, 

But  he  scorn'd  reproof ; 
And  from  this  roof 
Away  that  night  he  run ! 

"  Seven  years  were  gone  and  over — '  Wild  Roger '  came  again, 
He  spok-e  of  forays  and  of  frays  upon  the  Spanish  Main ; 
And  he  had  store  of  gold  galore,  and  silks,  and  satins  fine, 
And  flasks,  and  casks  of  Malvoisie,  and  precious  Gascon  wine! 
Rich  booties  he  had  brought,  he  said,  across  the  western  wave, 
And  came,  in  penitence  and  shame,  now  of  his  sire  to  crave 
Forgiveness  and  a  welcome  home — his  sire  was  in  his  grave! 

*'  Your  Father  was  a  kindly  man  —  he  play'd  a  brothers  part, 
He  press'd  his  brother  to  his  breast  —  he  had  a  kindly  heai-t. 
Fain  would  he  have  him  tarry  here,  their  common  hearth  to 

share, 
But  Roger  was  the  same  man  still, — he  scorn'd  b's  brother's 

praj'^'r ! 
He  call'd  his  crew, —  away  he  flew,  and  on  those  foreign  shores 

24 


278  A    FAMILY    LEGEND. 

Oot  kill'd  in  some  outlandish  place — they  call  it  the  Eyesores,* 

But  ere  he  went, 

And  quitted  Kent, 

— I  well  recall  the  day, — • 
His  flasks  and  casks  of  Gascon  wine  he  safely  *  stow'd  away  ;* 
Within  the  cellar's  deepest  nook,  he  safely  stow'd  them  all, 
And  Mason  Jones  brought  bricks  and  stones,  and  they  built  up 
the  wall. 

"Oh!  then  it  was  a  fearful  thing  to  hear  'Wild  Roger's'  ban! 
Good  gracious  me !  I  never  heard  the  like  from  mortal  man, 
'  Here's  that,'  quoth  he,  'shall  serve  me  well,  when  I  return  at 

last, 
A  batter'd  hulk,  to  quaff'  and  laugh  at  toils  and  dangers  past; 
Accurst  be  he,  whoe'er  he  be,  lays  hand  on  gear  of  mine, 
Till  I  come  back  again  from  sea,  to  broach  my  Gascon  wine !' 
And  more  he  said,  which  fill'd  with  dread  all  those  who  listen'd 

there ; 
In  sooth  my  very  blood  ran  cold,  it  lifted  up  my  hair 
With  vei'y  fear,   to  stand   and   hear  'Wild   Roger'  curse  and 

swear ! ! 
He  saw  my  fright,  as  well  he  might,  but  still  he  made  his  game, 
He   call'd   me    'Mother  Bounce-about,'  my  Gracious,  what  a 

name! 
Nay,  more  'an  old' — some  'boat-woman,' — I  may  not  say  foi 

shame !  — 
Then,  gentle  Master,  pause  awhile,  give  heed  to  what  I  tell. 
Nor  break,  on  such  a  day  as  this,  '  Wild  Roger's'  secret  cell!" 

"Pooh!  pooh!"  quoth  the  Squire, 

As  he  moved  from  the  fire. 
And  bade  the  old  Housekeeper  quickly  retire, 

"  Pooh !  —  never  tell  me ! 

Nonsense  —  fiddle-de-dee ! 
What? — wait  Uncle  Rogers  return  back  from  sea? — 

*  Azores?  —  ^rrs.  Botherby's  orthography,  like  that  of  her  distinguished 
contemporary  Baron  Duberly,  was  "a  little  loose." 


THE    WEDDING-DAY.  279 

Why  he  may,  as  you  say, 

Have  been  somewhat  too  gay, 
And,  no  doubt,  was  a  broth  of  a  boy  in  his  way ; 
But  what's  that  to  us,  now,  at  this  time  of  day? 

What,  if  some  quarrel 

With  Dering  or  Darrell  — 
— ]  hardly  know  which,  but  I  think  it  was  Dering, — 
Sent  him  back  in  a  huflF  to  his  old  privateering. 
Or  what  his  unfriends  chose  to  call  Buccaneering, 
It's  twenty  years  since,  as  we  very  well  know. 
He  was  knock'd  on  the  head  in  a  skirmish,  and  so 
Why  rake  up  *  auld  warld'  tales  of  deeds  long  ago  ? — 
— Foul  befall  him  who  would  touch  the  deposit 
Of  living  man,  whether  in  cellar  or  closet ! 

But  since,  as  I  've  said, 

Knock'd  on  the  head. 
Uncle  Roger  has  now  been  some  twenty  years  dead 

As  for  his  wine, 

I'm  his  heir,  and  it's  mine! 
And  I'd  long  ago  work'd  it  well,  but  that  I  tarried 

For  this  very  day  — 

And  I  'm  sure  you  '11  all  say 
I  was  right — when  my  own  darling  Maud  should  get  married  I 
So  lights  and  a  crow-bar  !  —  the  only  thing  lies 
On  my  conscience,  at  all,  with  respect  to  this  prize, 
Is  some  little  compunction  anent  the  Excise  — 

Come  —  you,  Master  Jack, 

Be  the  first,  and  bring  back 
Whate'er  comes  to  hand  —  Claret,  Burgundy,  Sack  — 
Head  the  party,  and  mind  that  you're  back  in  a  crack!" 

Away  go  the  clan, 

With  cup  and  with  can. 
Little  J.'sck  Ingoldsby  leading  the  van  ; 
Little  reck  tlioj'^  of  the  Buccaneer's  ban. 


280  A    FAMILY    LEGEND. 

Hope  whispers,  '< Perchance  we'll  fall  in  with  strong  beer  too 

here !" 
Blest  thought!  which  sets  them  all  grinning  from  ear  to  eari 

Through  cellar  one,  through  cellars  two, 
Through  cellars  three  they  pass'd ! 

And  their  way  they  took 

To  the  farthest  nook 
Of  cellar  four  — the  last! — 
Blithe  and  gay,  they  batter  away, 
On  this  wedding-day  of  Maud's, 
With  all  their  might,  to  bring  to  light, 
"Wild  Roger's"  "Custom-house  frauds!" 

And  though  stone  and  brick 

Be  never  so  thick. 
When  stoutly  assail'd,  they  are  no  bar 

To  the  powerful  charm 

Of  a  Yeoman's  arm 
When  wielding  a  decentish  crow-bar  I 
Down  comes  brick,  and  down  comes  stone, 

One  by  one  — 

The  job 's  half  done ! — 
"Where  is  he? — now  come  —  where 's  Master  John?" — 
—  There's  a  breach  in  the  wall  three  feet  by  two, 
And  little  Jack  Ingoldsby  soon  pops  through ! 

Hark !  —  what  sound 's  that  ?  —  a  sob  ?  —  a  sigh  ?  — 
The  choking  gasp  of  a  stifled  cry  ? — 

«'— What  can  it  be?— 

Let 's  see ! —  let 's  see ! 
It  can'l  be  little  Jack  Ingoldsby 

The  candle  —  quick !" 

Through  stone  and  through  brick, 
They  poke  in  the  light  on  a  long  split  stick; 
But  ere  he  who  holds  it  can  wave  it  about. 
He  gasps,  and  he  sneezes  —  the  light  goes  out! 


THE    WEDDING-DAV.  281 

Yet  were  there  those,  in  after  days, 
Who  said  that  pale  light's  flick'ring  blaze. 
For  a  moment,  gleam'd  on  a  dark  Form  tbero, 
Seem'd  as  bodied  of  foul  black  air! — 
— In  Mariner's  dress, — with  cutlass  braced 
By  buckle  and  broad  black  belt,  to  its  waist, — 
— On  a  cock'd-hat,  laced 
With  gold,  and  placed 
With  a  degagi,  devil-may-care,  kind  of  taste. 
O'er  a  balafre  brow  by  a  scar  defaced ! — 
That  Form,  they  said,  so  foul  and  so  black, 
Grinn'd  as  it  pointed  at  poor  little  Jack. — 
— ^.I  know  not,  I,  how  the  truth  may  be, 
But  the  pent-up  vapour,  at  length  set  free, 
Set  them  all  sneezing, 
And  coughing,  and  wheezing. 
As,  working  its  way 
To  the  regions  of  day, 
It,  at  last,  let  a  purer  and  healthier  breeze  in 
Of  their  senses  bereft, 
To  the  right  and  the  left, 
Those  varlets  so  lately  courageous  and  stout. 
There  they  !ay  kicking  and  sprawling  about. 
Like  Billingsgate  fresh  fish,  unconscious  of  ice. 
Or  those  which,  the  newspapers  give  us  advice, 
Mr.  Taylor,  of  Lombard-street,  sells  at  half-price  , 
—  Nearer  the  door,  some  half-dozen,  or  more ! 
Scramble  away 
To  the  rez  de  chaiissee, 
(As  our  Frenchified  friend  always  calls  his  ground-floor,) 
And  they  call,  and  they  bawl,  and  they  bellow  and  roar 
For  lights,  vinegar,  brandy,  and  fifty  things  more. 
At  length,  after  no  little  clamour  and  din. 
The  foul  air  let  out  and  the  fresh  air  let  in, 
They  drag  one  and  all 
Up  into  the  hall, 
24* 


282  A    FAMILY    LEGEND. 

Where  a  medical  Quaker,  the  great  Di\  Lettsom, 
Who's  one  of  the  party,  "  bleeds,  phy sicks,  and  sweats  'em." 
All  ?  —  all  —  save  One  — 
— "  But  He !—  my  Son  ?— 
Merciful  Heaven ! —  where  —  where  is  John  ?" 

*  *  *  ^  * 

Within  that  cell,  so  dark  and  deep 

Lies  One,  as  in  a  tranquil  sleep, 

A  sight  to  make  the  sternest  weep  ! — 

— That  little  heart  is  pulseless  now, 

And  cold  that  fair  and  open  brow, 

And  closed  that  eye  that  beam'd  with  joy 

And  hope — "Oh,  God!  my  Boy  I — my  Boy!" 

Enough  ! —  I  may  not, — dare  not, —  show 
The  wretched  Father's  frantic  woe, 
The  Mother's  tearless,  speechless  —  No! 
I  may  not  such  a  theme  essay  — 
Too  bitter  thoughts  crowd  in,  and  stay 
My  pen  —  sad  memory  will  have  way ! 
Enough ! — at  once  I  close  the  lay, 
Of  fair  Maud's  fatal  Wedding-day  ! 

It  has  a  mournful  sound, 

That  single,  solemn  Bell ! 
As  to  the  hills  and  woods  around, 

It  flings  its  deep-toned  knell ! 
That  measured  toll ! —  alone  —  apart, 
It  strikes  upon  the  human  heart ! 
—  It  has  a  mournful  sound ! 

Moral. 

Come,  come,  Mrs.  Muse,  we  can't  part  in  this  way, 
Or  you  '11  leave  me  as  dull  as  ditch-water  all  day. 
Try  and  squeeze  out  a  Moral  or  two  from  your  lay 
'And  let  us  part  cheerful   at  least  if  not  gay ! 


THE    WEDDING-DAY.  281? 

First  and  foremost  then,  Gentlefolks,  learn  from  my  song, 
Not  to  lock  up  your  wine,  or  malt-liquor,  too  long ! 

Though  Port  should  have  age, 

Yet  I  don't  think  it  sage 
To  entomb  it,  as  some  of  your  connoisseurs  do, 
Till  it's  losing  in  flavour,  and  body,  and  hue ; 
—  I  question  if  keeping  it  does  it  much  good 
After  ten  years  in  bottle  and  three  in  the  wood. 

If  any  young  man,  though  a  snubb'd  younger  brother, 
When  told  of  his  faults  by  his  father  and  mother, 
Runs  restive,  and  goes  off  to  sea  in  a  huff, 
Depend  on 't,  my  friends,  that  young  man  is  a  Muff! 

Next  —  ill-gotten  gains 

Are  not  worth  the  pains ! — 
They  prosper  with  no  one !  —  so  whether  cheroots, 
Or  Havannah  cigars, —  or  French  gloves,  or  French  boots.- 
Whatever  you  want,  pay  the  duty !  nor  when  you 
Buy  any  such  articles,  cheat  the  revenue  ! 

And  "now  to  conclude," — 

For  it's  high  time  I  should, — 
When  you  do  rejoice,  mind, —  whatsoever  you  do, 
That  the  hearts  of  the  lowly  rejoice  with  you  too  !— 

Don't  grudge  them  their  jigs. 

And  their  frolics  and  "rigs," 
And  don't  interfere  with  their  soapy-tail'd  pigs  : 
Nor  "  because  thou  art  virtuous,"  rail,  and  exhale 
An  anathema,  breathing  of  vengeance  and  wail, 
Upon  every  complexion  less  pale  than  sea-kale  ! 
Nor  dismiss  the  poor  man  to  his  pump  and  his  pail, 
With   "Drink  there'  —  we'll  have   henceforth   no  more  cakes 
and  ale ! ! ' 


THE    BLASPHEMER'S    WARNING. 

A    LAY    OF    ST.  ROMWOLD. 


Mox  Regina  filium  peperit  a  multis  optatum  et  a  Deo  sanctificntum. 
Cumque  Tiifans  natus  fuisset,  statim  clara  voce,  omnibus  audientibus,  claniavit 
"  Chi-istianus  sum !  Christianus  sum!  Christianus  sum  V  Ad  hanc  voceni 
Presbyteri  duo,  VVlderinus  ct  Edwoldus,  dicentes  Deo  Oraciis,  et  omne3  qui 
aderant  mirantes,  cnepcrunt  cantai-e  Tc  Deum  laudamus.  Quo  facto  rop;abat 
Infans  cathecumenum  a  Widerino  sacerdote  fieri,  et  ab  Edwoldo  teneri  ad 
praesignaculum  fidei  et  Romwoldum  vocari.  —  Nov  Legend.  Angl.  IN  Vita 

SCTI    ROMUALDI. 


In  Kent,  we  are  told, 

Thei-e  was  seated  of  old, 
A  handsome  voving  gentleman,  courteous  and  bold, 
He  'd  an  oaken  strong-box,  well  replenish'd  with  gold, 
With  broad  lands,  pasture,  arable,  woodland,  and  wold, 
Not  an  acre  of  which  had  been  mortgaged  or  sold ; 
He'd  a  Plesaunce  and  Hall  passing  fair  to  behold, 
He  had  beeves  in  the  byre,  he  had  flocks  in  the  fold. 
And  was  somewhere  about  five-and- twenty  years  old. 

His  figure  and  face. 

For  beauty  and  grace. 
To  the  best  in  the  county  had  scorn'd  to  give  place. 

Small  marvel  then. 

If,  of  women  and  men 
Whom  he  chanced  to  foregather  with,  nine  out  of  ten 
Exprcss'd  themselves  charm'd  with  Sir  Alured  Denne. 

From  my  earliest  youth, 

I've  been  taught,  as  a  truth, 
A  maxim  which  most  will  consider  as  sooth, 
Though  a  few,  peradventure,  may  think  it  uncouth ; 

(284  J 


THE  blasphemer's  warninq.  285 

There  are  three  social  duties,  the  whole  of  the  swarm 
In  this  great  human  hive  of  ours,  ovight  to  perform, 
And  that  too  as  soon  as  conveniently  may  be ; 

The  first  of  the  three  — 

Is,  the  planting  a  Tree  !' 
The  next,  the  producing  a  Book  —  then,  a  Baby! 
(For  my  part,  dear  Reader,  without  any  jesting,  1 
So  far  at  least,  have  accomplish'd  my  destiny.) 

From  the  foremost,  i.e. 

The  "planting  the  Tree," 
The  Knight  may,  perchance,  have  conceived  himself  free, 
Inasmuch  as  that,  which  way  soever  he  looks 
Over  park,  mead,  or  upland,  by  streamlets  and  brooks, 
His  fine  beeches  and  elms  shelter  thousands  of  rooks ; 

In  twelve  eighty-two, 

There  would  also  accrue 
Much  latitude  as  to  the  article,  Books 
But,  if  those  we  've  disposed  of,  and  need  not  recall, 
Might,  as  duties,  appear  in  comparison  small. 
One  remain'd,  there  was  no  getting  over  at  all, 
— The  jDroviding  a  male  Heir  for  Bonnington  Hall ; 
Which,  doubtless,  induced  the  good  Knight  to  decide, 
As  a  matter  of  conscience,  on  taking  a  Bride. 

It's  a  very  fine  thing,  and  delightful  to  see 
Inclination  and  duty  unite  and  agree, 

Because  it's  a  case 

That  so  rarely  takes  place ; 
In  the  instance  before  us  then  Alured  Denne 
Might  well  be  esteem'd  the  most  lucky  of  men, 

Inasmuch  as  hard  by. 

Indeed  so  very  nigh. 
That  her  chimnevs,  from  his,  you  might  almost  descry, 
Dwelt  a  Lady  at  whom  he'd  long  cast  a  sheep's  eye, 
One  whose  character  scandal  itself  could  defy. 


Mb  TUB    LAY    OF    ST.  ROM  WOLD. 

While  her  charms  and  accoinplishnients  rank'd  very  high, 

And  who  would  not  deny 

A  propitious  reply, 
But  reflect  back  his  blushes,  and  give  sigh  for  sigh. 
(A  line  that's  not  mine,  but  Tom  Moore's,  by  the  by.) 

There  was  many  a  gay  and  trim  bachelor  near, 
Who  felt  sick  at  heart  when  the  news  met  his  ear, 
That  fair  Edith  Ingoldsby,  she  whom  they  all 
The  "Rosebud  of  Tappington"  ceased  not  to  call, 

Was  going  to  say, 

"Honour,  love,  and  obey" 
To  Sir  Alured  Denne,  Knight,  of  Bennington  Hall, 
That  all  other  suitors  were  left  in  the  lurch, 
And  the  parties  had  even  been  "out-asked"  in  church, 

For  every  one  says 

In  those  primitive  days. 
And  I  must  own  I  think  it  redounds  to  their  praise, 
None  dream'd  of  transferring  a  daughter  or  niece 
As  a  bride,  by  an  "unstamp'd  agreement,"  or  lease, 
'Fore  a  Register's  Clerk,  or  a  Justice  of  Peace, 

While  young  ladies  had  fain 

Single  women  remain, 
And  unwedded  maids  to  the  last  "crack  of  doom"  stick. 
Ere  marry,  by  taking  a  jump  o'er  a  broomstick. 

So  our  bride  and  bridegroom  agreed  to  appear 

At  holy  St.  Romwold's,  a  Priory  near, 

Which  a  long  while  before,  I  can't  say  in  what  year, 

Their  forebears  had  join'd  with  the  neighbours  to  rear, 

And  endow'd,  some  with   bucks,  some   with   beef,  some  with 

beer, 
TCo  comfort  the  friars,  and  make  them  good  cheer. 

Adorning  the  building, 

With  carving  and  gilding, 
And  stone  altars,  fix'd  to  the  chantries  and  fiU'i  in; 


THE    blasphemer's    WARNING.  287 

(Papistic  in  substance  and  form,  on  this  and  count 
With  Judge  Herbert  Jenner  Fust  justly  at  discoxint. 
See  Cambridge  Societas  Gamdeniensis 
V.  Faulkner,  iert.  prim.  Januarii  3Iensis, 
With  "Judgment  reversed,  costs  of  suit,  and  expenses;") 
All  raised  to  St.  Romwold,  with  some  reason,  styled 
By  Duke  Humphrey's  confessor,*  a  Wonderful  Child," 
For  ne'er  yet  was  Saint,  except  him,  upon  earth 
Who  made  "his  profession  of  faith"  at  his  birth, 
And  when  scarce  a  foot  high,  or  six  inches  in  girth. 
Converted  his  "  Ma,"  and  contrived  to  amend  a 
Sad  hole  in  the  creed  of  his  grandsire.  King  Penda. 

Of  course  to  the  shrine 

Of  so  young  a  divine 
Flow'd  much  holy  water,  and  some  little  wine, 
And  when  any  young  folks  did  to  marriage  incline. 
The  good  friars  were  much  in  request,  and  not  one 
Was  more  "  sought  unto  "  than  the  Sub-prior,  Mess  John  ; 

To  him,  there  and  then. 

Sir  Alured  Denne 
Wrote  a  three-corner'd  note  with  a  small  crow-quill  pen, 
To  say  what  he  wanted,  and  fix  "  the  time  when," 
And,  as  it 's  well  known  that  your  people  of  quality 
Pique  themselves  justly  on  strict  punctuality. 
Just  as  the  clock  struck  the  hour  he  'd  named  in  it, 
The  whole  bridal  party  rode  up  to  the  minute. 

Now  whether  it  was  that  some  rapturous  dream. 
Comprehending  "fat  pullets  and  clouted  cream," 
Had  borne  the  good  man,  in  his  vision  of  bliss. 
Far  off  to  some  happier  region  than  this  — 

*  Honest  John  Capgrave,  the  veracious  biographer  of  "English  Saints,'' 
author,  or  rather  compiler  of  the  "  Nova  Lugenda  Angliae,"  was  chaplain  to 
Iiumphrey,  '•  the  Good  Duke  "  of  Gloucester.  A  beautiful  edition  of  hi?  work 
wstf  printed  by  Wynkyn  de  Worde. 


288  A    LAY    OF    ST.  ROM  WOLD. 

Or,  whether  his  beads,  'gainst  the  fingers  rebelling, 
Took  longer  than  usual  that  morning  in  telling ; 
Or  whether,  his  conscience  with  knotted  cord  purging, 
Mess  John  was  indulging  himself  with  a  scourging, 
In  penance  for  killing  some  score  of  the  fleas. 
Which,  infesting  his  hair-shirt,  deprived  him  of  case,. 
Or  whether  a  barrel  of  Faversham  oysters, 
Brought  in,  on  the  evening  before,  to  the  cloisters, 

Produced  indigestion, 

Continues  a  question  — 
The  particular  cause  is  not  worth  a  debate ; 
For  my  purpose  it's  clearly  sufficient  to  state 
That  whatever  the  reason,  his  rev'rence  was  late, 

And  Sir  Alured  Denne, 

Not  the  meekest  of  men, 
Began  banning  away  at  a  deuce  of  a  rat«. 

Now  here,  though  I  do  it  with  infinite  pain. 
Gentle  reader,  I  find  I  must  pause  to  explain 

That  there  was  —  what,  I  own, 

I  grieve  to  make  known  — 
On  the  worthy  Knight's  character  one  single  stain, 
But  for  which,  all  his  friends  had  borne  witness  I'm  sure, 
He  had  been  sans  reproche,  as  he  still  was  sans  peur. 
The  fact  is,  that  many  distinguish'd  commanders 
*•  Swore  terribly  {teste  T.  Shandy)  in  Flanders." 
Now  into  these  parts  our  Knight  chancing  to  go,  countries 
Named  from  this  sad,  vulgar  custom,  "  The  Low  Countries,' 
Though  on  common  occasions  as  courteous  as  daring, 
Had  pick'd  up  this  shocking  bad  habit  of  swearing. 
And  if  anything  vex'd  him,  or  matters  went  wrong. 
Was  given  to  what  low  folks  call  "coming  it  strong." 
Good,  bad,  or  indiff"erent  then,  young  or  old, 
He'd  consign  them,  when  once  in  a  humour  to  scold. 
To  a  place  where  they  certainly  would  not  take  cold. 
—  Now  if  there  are  those,  and  I  've  some  in  my  eye, 


THE    blasphemer's    WARNING.  289 

Who'd  esteem  this  a  crime  of  no  very  deep  dye, 

Let  them  read  on  —  they  '11  find  their  mistake  by  and  by. 

Near  or  far 

Few  people  there  are 
IJut  have  heard,  read,  or  sung  about  Young  Lochinvar, 
How  in  Netherby  Chapel,  "•  at  morning  tide," 
The  Priest  and  the  Bridegroom  stood  waiting  the  Bride  j 

How  they  waited,  "but  ne'er 

A  Bride  was  there." 
Still  1  don't  find,  on  reading  the  ballad  with  care, 
The  bereaved  Mr.  Graham  proceeded  to  swear, 
And  yet  to  experience  so  serious  a  blight  in 
One's  dearest  affections,  is  somewhat  exciting. 

'Tis  manifest  then 

That  Sir  Alured  Denne 
Had  far  less  excuse  for  such  bad  language,  when 
It  was  only  the  Priest  not  the  Bride  who  was  missing- 
He  had  fiU'd  up  the  interval  better  with  kissing. 

And  'twas  really  surprising. 

And  not  very  wise  in 
A  Knight  to  go  on  so  anathematising. 
When  the  head  and  the  front  of  the  Clergyman's  crime 
W^as  but  being  a  little  behind  as  to  time : 

Be  that  as  it  may, 

He  swore  so  that  day 
At  the  reverend  gentleman's  ill-judged  delay. 
That  not  a  bystander  who  heard  what  he  said, 
But  listen'd  to  all  his  expressions  with  dread, 
And  felt  all  his  hair  stand  on  end  on  his  head ; 

Nay  many  folks  there 

Did  not  stick  to  declare 
The  ])henomenon  was  not  confined  to  the  hair. 
For  the  little  stone  Saint  who  sat  perch'd  o'er  the  door, 
St.  Romwold  himself,  as  I  told  you  before, 
26 


290  A    LAY   OF   ST.  ROMWOLD. 

What  will  scarce  be  believed, 

Was  plainly  perceived 
To  ehnig  up  his  shoulders,  as  very  much  grieved, 

And  look  down  with  a  frown 

So  remarkably  brown, 
That  all  saw  he  'd  now  quite  a  diflFerent  face  on 
From  that  he  received  at  the  hands  of  the  mason ; 
Nay,  many  averr'd  he  half  rose  in  his  niche, 
When  Sir  Alured,  always  in  metaphor  rich, 

Call'd  his  priest  an  "  old  son  of "  some  animal — which, 

Is  not  worth  the  inquiry — a  hint's  quite  enough  on 
The  subject  —  for  more  I  refer  you  to  BuflFon. 

It's  supposed  that  the  Knight 

Himself  saw  the  sight, 
And  it 's  likely  he  did,  as  he  easily  might, 
For  'tis  certain  he  paused  in  his  wordy  attack 
And,  in  nautical  language,  seem'd  "  taken  aback." 

In  so  much  that  when  now 

The  "prime  cause  of  the  row," 
Father  John,  in  the  chapel  at  last  made  his  bow, 
The  Bridegroom  elect  was  so  mild  and  subdued, 
None  could  ever  suppose  he'd  been  noisy  and  rude. 
Or  made  use  of  the  language  to  which  I  allude ; 
Fair  Edith  herself,  while  the  knot  was  a  tying. 
Her  bridemaids  around  her,  some  sobbing,  some  sighing. 
Some  smiling,  some  blushing,  half-laughing,  hrJf-crying, 
Scarce  made  her  responses  in  tones  more  complying 
Than  he  who  'd  been  raging  and  storming  so  recently, 
All  softness  now,  and  behaving  quite  decently. 
Many  folks  thought  too  the  cold  stony  frown 
Of  the  Saint  up  aloft  from  his  niche  looking  down, 
Brought  the  sexton  and  clerk  each  an  extra  half-crown, 
When,  the  rite  being  over,  the  fees  were  all  paid. 
And  the  party  remounting,  the  whole  cavalcade 
Prepared  to  ride  home  with  no  little  parade 


A    LAY   OF    ST.   ROMWOLD.  291 

In  a  climate  so  very  unsettled  as  ours 

It's  as  well  to  be  cautious^  and  guard  against  showers, 

For  though,  about  One 

You  've  a  fine  brilliant  sun. 
When  your  walk  or  your  ride  is  but  barely  begun. 
Yet  long  ere  the  hour-hand  approaches  the  Two, 
There  is  not  in  the  whole  sky  one  atom  of  blue, 
But  it  "rains  cats  and  dogs,"  and  you're  fairly  wet  through 
Ere  you  know  where  to  turn,  what  to  say,  or  to  do ; 
For  which  reason  I  've  bought,  to  project  myself  well,  a 
Good  stout  Taglioni  and  gingham  umbrella. 
But  in  Edward  the  First's  days  I  very  much  fear 

Had  a  gay  cavalier 

Thought  fit  to  appear 
In  any  such  "toggery" — then  'twas  term'd  "  gear" — 
He  'd  have  met  with  a  highly  significant  sneer, 
Or  a  broad  grin  extending  from  ear  unto  ear 
On  the  features  of  every  soul  he  came  near ; 
There  was  no  taking  refuge  too  then,  as  with  us. 
On  a  slip-sloppy  day,  in  a  cab  or  a  ^bus; 

As  they  rode  through  the  woods 

In  their  wimples  and  hoods, 
Their  only  resource  against  sleet,  hail,  or  rain. 
Was,  as  Spenser  describes  it,  to  "pryck  o'er  the  plaine,' 
That  is  to  clap  spurs  on,  and  ride  helter-skelter 
In  search  of  some  building  or  other  for  shelter. 

Now  it  seems  that  the  sky 

W'hich  had  been  of  a  dye 
As  bright  and  as  blue  as  your  lady-love's  eye, 
The  season  in  fact  being  genial  and  dry, 

Began  to  assume 

An  appearance  of  gloom 
From  the  moment  the  Knight  began  fidget  and  fume, 
Which  deepen'd  and  deepen'd  till  all  the  horizon 
Grew  blacker  than  aught  they  had  ever  set  eyes  on, 


292  THE  jjlasphemer's  warning. 

And  soon,  from  the  far  west  the  elements  rumbling 
Increased,  and  kept  pace  with  Sir  Alured's  grumbling. 

Bright  flashes  between, 

Blue,  red,  and  green. 
All  livid  and  lurid  began  to  be  seen ; 
At  length  down  it  came  —  a  whole  deluge  of  rain, 
\  perfect  Niagara,  drenching  the  plain, 

And  up  came  the  reek, 

And  down  came  the  shriek 
Of  the  winds  like  a  steam-whistle  starting  a  train ; 
And  the  tempest  began  so  to  roar  and  to  pour, 
That  the  Dennes  and  the  Ingoldsbys,  starting  at  score, 
As  they  did  from  the  porch  of  St.  Romwold's  church  door, 
Had  scarce  gain'd  a  mile,  or  a  mere  trifle  more, 

Ere  the  whole  of  the  crew, 

Were  completely  wet  through. 
They  dash'd  o'er  the  downs,  and  they  dash'd  through  the  vales 
They  dash'd  up  the  hills,  and  they  dash'd  down  the  dales. 
As  if  elderly  Nick  was  himself  at  their  tails ; 

The  Bridegroom  in  vain 

Attempts  to  restrain  , 
The  Bride's  frighten'd  palfrey  by  seizing  the  rein, 

When  a  flash  and  a  crash 

Which  produced  such  a  splash 
That  a  Yankey  had  call'd  it  "an  Almighty  Smash," 

Came  down  so  complete 

At  his  own  courser's  feet 
That  the  rider,  though  famous  for  keeping  his  seat, 
FroUi  its  kickings  and  plungings,  now  under  now  upper, 
Slipp'd  out  of  his  demi-pique  over  the  crupper. 
And  fell  from  the  back  of  his  terrified  cob 
On  what  bards  less  refined  than  myself  term  his  "  Nob.** 
^To  obtain  a  genteel  rhyme's  sometimes  a  tough  job). — 

Just  so  —  for  the  nonce  to  enliven  my  song 
With  a  classical  simile  cannot  be  wrong  — 


A    LAY   OF   ST.  ROMWOLD.  293 

Just  SO  —  in  such  roads  and  in  similar  weather, 
Tydides  and  Nestor  were  riJing  together, 
When,  so  says  old  Homer,  the  King  of  the  Sky, 
The  great  "Cloud-compellor,"  his  lightnings  let  fly, 
And  their  horses  both  made  such  a  desperate  shy 

At  this  freak  of  old  Zeus, 

That  at  once  they  broke  loose. 
Reins,  traces,  bits,  breechings  were  all  of  no  use ; 
If  the  Pylian  Sage,  without  any  delay. 

Had  not  whipp'd  them  sharp  round  and  away  from  the  fray, 
They  'd  have  certainly  upset  his  cabriolet, 
And  there 'd  been  the  —  a  name  I  won't  mention  —  to  pay. 


Well,  the  Knight  in  a  moment  recover'd  his  seat — > 

Mr.  Widdicombe's  mode  of  pei-forming  that  feat 

At  Astley's  could  not  be  more  neat  or  complete, 

— It 's  recorded,  indeed  by  an  eminent  pen 

Of  our  own  days,  that  this  our  great  Widdicombe  then 

In  the  heyday  of  life,  had  afforded  some  ten 

Or  twelve  lessons  in  riding  to  Alured  Denne, — 

It  is  certain  the  Knight 

Was  so  agile  and  light 
That  an  instant  sufficed  him  to  set  matters  right. 
Yet  the  Bride  was  by  this  time  almost  out  of  sight ; 
For  her  palfrey,  a  rare  bit  of  blood,  who  could  trace 
Her  descent  from  the  "  pure  old  Caucasian  race," 

Sleek,  slim,  and  bony,  as 

Mr.  Sidonia's 

Fine  "Arab  Steed" 

Of  the  very  same  breed, 
Whioh  that  elegant  gentleman  rode  so  genteelly 
—  See  "Coningsby"  written  by  "B.  Disraeli" — 

That  palfrey,  I  say. 

From  this  trifling  delay 
Had  made  what  at  sea 's  call'd  "  a  great  deal  of  waj 
26* 


294  THE  blasphemer's  warning. 

*•  More  fleet  than  the  roc-buck"  and  free  as  the  "vvind, 

She  had  left  the  good  company  rather  behind; 

They  whipp'd  and  they  spurr'd  and  they  after  her  press'd ; 

Still  Sir  Alured's  steed  was  "by  long  chalks"  the  best 

Of  the  party,  and  very  soon  distanced  the  rest ; 

But  long  ere  e'en  he  had  the  fugitive  near'd, 

She  dash'd  into  the  wood  and  at  once  disappear'd ! 

It's  a  "fashions"  affair  when  you're  out  on  a  ride, 

— Ev'n  supposing  you  're  not  in  pursuit  of  a  bride, 

If  you  are,  it's  more  fashious,  which  can't  be  denied, — 

And  you  come  to  a  place  where  three  cross-roads  divide, 

Without  any  way-post,  stuck  up  by  the  side 

Of  the  road  to  direct  you  and  act  as  a  guide. 

With  a  road  leading  here,  and  a  road  leading  there. 

And  a  road  leading  no  one  exactly  knows  where. 

When  Sir  Alured  came 

In  pursuit  of  the  dame 
To  a  fork  of  this  kind, —  a  three-prong'd  one  —  small  blamo 
To  his  scholarship  if  in  selecting  his  way 
His  respect  for  the  Classics  now  lead  him  astray ; 
But  the  rule,  in  a  work  I  won't  stop  to  describe,  is 
In  medio  semper  tulissimus  ibis, 

So  the  Knight  being  forced  of  the  three  paths  to  enter  one, 
Dash'd,  with  these  words  on  his  lips,  down  the  centre  one. 

Up  and  down  hill. 

Up  and  down  hill, 
Through  brake  and  o'er  briar  he  gallops  on  still. 
Aye,  banning,  blaspheming,  and  cursing  his  fill 
At  his  courser  because  he  had  given  him  a  "spill;" 

Yet  he  did  not  gain  ground 

On  the  palfrey,  the  sound,  « 

On  the  contrary,  made  by  the  hoofs  of  the  beast 
Grew  fainter  and  fainter, — and  fainter, — and — ceased  '. 
Sir  Alured  burst  through  the  dingle  at  last. 
To  a  sort  of  a  clearing,  and  there  —  he  stuck  fast- 


A    LAY    OF    ST.  ROMWOLD.  295 

For  his  steed,  though  a  freer  one  ne'er  had  a  shoe  on, 
Stood  fix'd  as  the  Governor's  nag  in  "  Don  Juan," 
Or  much  like  the  statue  that  stands,  cast  in  copper,  a 
Few  yards  south-east  of  the  door  of  the  Opera, 
Save  that  Alured's  horse  had  not  got  such  a  big-tail, 
While  Alured  wanted  the  cock'd  hat  and  pig-tail. 

Before  him  is  seen 

A  diminutive  Green 
Scoop'd  out  from  the  covert  —  a  thick  leafy  screen 
Of  wild  foliage,  trunks  with  broad  branches  between 
Encircle  it  wholly,  all  radiant  and  sheen, 
For  the  weather  at  once  appeai-'d  clear  aua  serene, 
And  the  sky  up  above  was  a  bright  mazarine. 
Just  as  though  no  such  thing  as  a  tempest  had  been, 
In  short  it  was  one  of  those  sweet  little  places 
In  Egypt  and  Araby  known  as  "  oases." 

There,  under  the  shade 

That  was  made  by  the  glade. 
The  astonish'd  Sir  Alured  sat  and  survey'd 
A  little  low  building  of  Bethersden  stone, 
With  ivy  and  parasite  creepers  o'ergrown, 

A  Sacellum,  or  cell. 

In  which  Chronicles  tell 
Saints  and  anchorites  erst  were  accustom'd  to  dwell  ^ 
A  little  round  arch,  on  which,  deeply  indented. 
The  zig-zaggy  pattern  by  Saxons  invented 
Was  cleverly  chisell'd,  and  well  represented, 

Surmounted  a  door 

Some  five  feet  by  four. 
It  might  have  been  less  or  it  might  have  i«.v-   more. 
In  the  primitive  ages  they  made  these  things  lOwcr 
Than  we  do  in  buildings  that  had  but  one  floor, 

And  these  Chronicles  say 

When  an  anchorite  gray 


296  THE  blasphemer's  warning. 

Wish'cl  to  shut  himself  up  and  keep  out  of  the  way, 
He  was  commonly  wont  in  such  low  cells  to  stay, 
And  pray  night  and  day  on  the  rcz  de  chaussee. 

There,  under  the  arch  I  've  endeavour'd  to  paint, 

With  no  little  surprise, 

And  scarce  trusting  his  eyes, 
The  Knight  now  saw  standing  that  little  Boy  Saint  I 

The  one  whom  before 

He'd  seen  over  the  door 
Of  the  Priory  shaking  his  head  as  he  swore  — 
With  mitre,  and  crozier,  and  rochet,  and  stole  on. 
The  very  self-same  —  or  at  least  his  Eidolon  ! 
With  a  voice  all  unlike  to  the  infantine  squeak, 
You'd  expect,  that  small  Saint  now  address'd  him  to  speak. 

In  a  bold,  manly  tone,  he 

Began,  while  his  stony 
Cold  lips  breathed  an  odor  quite  Eau-de-Cologne-y ; 
In  fact,  from  his  christening,  according  to  rumour,  he 
Beat  Mr.  Brummell  to  sticks,  in  perfumery.  * 

"  Sir  Alured  Denne !" 

Said  the  Saint,  "be  atten- 
—  tive !     Your  ancestors,  all  most  respectable  men, 
Have  for  some  generations  being  vot'ries  of  mine. 
They  have  bought  me  mould  candles,  and  bow'd  at  my  shnne, 
They  have  made  my  monks  presents  of  ven'son  and  wine. 
With  a  right  of  free  pasturage,  too,  for  their  swine. 

And,  though  you  in  this 

Have  been  rather  remiss, 
Still  I  owe  you  a  turn  for  the  sake  of  '  Lang  Syne,' 
And  I  now  come  to  tell  you,  your  cursing  and  swearing 
Have  reach'd  to  a  pitch  that  is  really  past  bearing. 

*  In  eodem  autem  prato  in  quo  baptizatus  Sanctus  Romualdus  nunquam 
gratissimus  odor  deficit;  neque  ibi  herbfe  pallescunt.  sed  semper  in  viriditate 
iwrmanentes  magna  nectaris  suavitate  redolent.  —  Nov.  Legend.  AngU 


A    LAT    OF    ST.  ROMWOLD.  297 

'Twere  a  positive  scandal 

In  even  a  Vandal, 
It  ne'er  should  be  done,  save  with  bell,  book  and  candle ; 
And  though  I  've  now  learn'd,  as  I  've  always  suspected. 
Your  own  education 's  been  somewhat  neglected ; 
Still,  you  're  not  such  an  uninform'd  pagan,  I  hope, 
As  not  to  know  cursing  belongs  to  the  Pope ! 
And  his  Holiness  feels,  very  properly,  jealous 
Of  all  such  encroachments  by  paltry  lay  fellows. 

Now,  take  my  advice, 

Saints  never  speak  twice, 
So  take  it  at  once,  as  I  once  for  all  give  it ; 
Go  home  !  you  '11  find  there  all  as  right  as  a  trivet 
But  mind,  and  remembex",  if  once  you  give  way 
To  that  shocking  bad  habit,  I  'm  sorry  to  say, 
I  have  heard  you  so  sadly  indulge  in  to-day, 
As  sure  as  you're  born,  on  the  very  first  trip 
That  you  make  —  the  first  oath  that  proceeds  from  your  lip, 

I'll  soon  make  you  rue  it! 

—  I  've  said  it  —  I  '11  do  it ! 
'Forewarn'd  is  forearm'd,'  you  shan't  say  but  you  knew  it; 
Whate'er  you  hold  dearest  or  nearest  your  heart, 
I'll  take  it  away,  if  I  come  in  a  cart! 
I  will,  on  my  honour!  you  know  it's  absurd, 
To  suppo  0  that  a  Saint  ever  forfeits  his  word 
For  a  pitiful  Knight,  or  to  please  any  such  man  — 
I  'vo  said  it!  I'll  do't— if  I  don't,  I'm  a  Dutchman!" 

He  ceased  —  he  was  gone  as  he  closed  his  harangue, 
And  some  one  inside  shut  the  door  with  a  bang! 

Sparkling  with  dew, 

Each  green  herb  anew 
Its  profusion  of  sweets  round  Sir  Alured  threw, 
As  pensive  and  thoughtful  he  sloAvly  withdrew, 
(For  the  hoofs  of  his  horse  had  got  rid  of  their  glue,) 
And  the  cud  of  reflection  continued  to  chew 


298  THE  blasphemer's  warning. 

Till  the  gables  of  Bonnington  Hall  rose  in  view 
Little  reck'd  he  what  he  smelt,  what  he  saw, 

Brilliance  of  scenery, 

Fragrance  of  greenery, 
Fail'd  in  impressing  his  mental  machinery ; 
Many  an  hour  had  elapsed,  well  I  ween,  ere  he 
Fairly  was  able  distinction  to  draw 
*Twixt  the  odour  of  garlic  and  bouquet  du  Rot. 

Merrily,  merrily  sounds  the  horn. 
And  cheerily  ring  the  bells ; 
For  the  race  is  run, 
The  goal  is  won, 
The  little  lost  mutton  is  happily  found, 
The  Lady  of  Bonnington 's  safe  and  sound 

In  the  Hall  where  her  new  Lord  dwells  I 
Hard  had  they  ridden,  that  company  gay, 
After  fair  Edith,  away  and  away  : 
This  had  slipp'd  back  o'er  his  courser's  rump, 
That  had  gone  over  his  ears  with  a  plump. 
But  the  lady  herself  had  stuck  on  like  a  trump. 
Till  her  panting  steed 
Relax'd  his  speed, 
And  feeling,  no  doubt,  as  a  gentleman  feels 
When  he's  once  shown  a  bailiff  a  fair  pair  of  heeld, 
Stopp'd  of  herself,  as  it 's  very  well  known 
Horses  will  do,  when  they  're  thoroughly  blown, 
And  thus  the  whole  group  had  foregathcr'd  again. 
Just  as  the  sunshine  succeeded  the  rain. 

Oh,  now  the  joy,  and  the  frolicking,  rollicking 

Doings  indulged  in  by  one  and  by  all! 
Gaiety  seized  on  the  most  melancholic  in 

All  the  broad  lands  around  Bonnington  Hall- 
All  sorts  of  revelry, 
All  sorts  of  devilry, 
AW.  play  at  "  High  Jinks  "  and  keep  up  the  balL 


THE    LAY    OP    ST.  ROMWOLD.  299 

Day:?',  weeks,  and  montlis,  it  is  really  astonishing, 

When  one's  so  happy,  how  Time  flies  away; 
Meanwhile  the  Bridegroom  requires  no  admonishing 
As  to  what  pass'd  on  his  own  wedding-day ; 
Never  since  then, 
Had  Sir  Alured  Denne 
Let  a  word  fall  from  his  lip  or  his  pen 
That  began  with  a  D,  or  left  off  with  an  N ! 

Once,  and  once  only,  when  put  in  a  rage. 

By  a  careless  young  rascal  he  'd  hired  as  a  Page, 

All  buttons  and  brass. 

Who  in  handling  a  glass 

Of  spiced  hippocras,  throws 

It  all  over  his  clothes, 
And  spoils  his  best  pourpoint,  and  smartest  trunk  hose, 
While  stretching  his  hand  out  to  take  it  and  quaff  it  (he 
'd  given  a  rose  noble  a  yard  for  the  taffety). 
Then,  and  then  only,  came  into  his  head, 
A  very  sad  word  that  began  with  a  Z, 

But  he  check'd  his  complaint. 

He  remember'd  the  Saint, 
In  the  nick — Lady  Denne  was  beginning  to  faint  — 
That  sight  on  his  mouth  acted  quite  as  a  bung, 
Like  Mahomet's  coffin,  the  shocking  word  hung 
Half-way  'twixt  the  root  and  the  tip  of  his  tongue. 

Many  a  year 

Of  mirth  and  good  cheer 
Flew  over  their  heads,  to  each  other  more  dear 
Every  day,  they  were  quoted  by  peasant  and  peer 
As  the  rarest  examples  of  love  ever  known, 
Since  the  days  of  Le  Chivaler  D'Arbie  and  Joanne^ 
Who  in  Bonnington  chancel  lie  sculptured  in  stone. 

Well — it  happen'd  at  last. 

After  certain  years  past. 


SOO  THE    blasphemer's    WARNING. 

That  an  embassy  came  to  our  court  from  afar  — 

From  the  Gi*and-duke  of  Muscovy  —  now  call'd  tlu.-  V.'lar^ 

And  Jhe  Spindleshank'd  Monarch,  determined  to  do 

All  the  grace  that  he  could  to  a  Nobleman,  who 

Had  sail'd  all  that  way  from  a  country  which  few 

In  our  England  had  heard  of,  and  nobody  kncAV, 

With  a  hat  like  a  muff,  and  a  beard  like  a  Jew, 

Our  arsenals,  buildings,  and  dock-yards  to  view, 

And  to  say  how  desirous. 

His  Prince  Wladimirus, 
Had  long  been  with  mutual  regard  to  inspire  us, 
And  how  he  regretted  he  was  not  much  nigher  us, 

With  other  fine  things. 

Such  as  Kings  say  to  Kings 
When  each  tries  to  humbug  his  dear  Royal  Brother,  in 
Hopes  by  such  "gammon  "  to  take  one  another  in  — 

King  Longshanks,  I  say, 

Being  now  on  his  way 
Bound  for  France,  where  the  rebels  had  kept  him  at  bay, 

Was  living  in  clover 

At  this  time  at  Dover 
I'  the  castle  there,  waiting  a  tide  to  go  ovei. 

He  had  summon'd,  I  can't  tell  you  how  many  men, 
Knights,  nobles,  and  squires  to  the  wars  of  Guienne, 
And  among  these  of  course  was  Sir  Alurcd  Denne, 

Who,  acting  like  most 

Of  the  knights  in  the  host, 
Whose  residence  was  not  too  far  from  the  coast, 
Had  brought  his  wife  with  him,  delaying  their  parting, 
Fond  souls,  till  the  very  last  moment  of  starting. 

Of  course,  with  such  lots  of  lords,  ladies,  and  knights, 
In  their  Saracenetfes,*  and  their  bright  chain-mail  tights, 

*  This  silk,  of  great  repute  among  our  ancestors,  had  been  broughV  bomo^ 
a  few  years  before,  by  Edward,  from  the  Holy  Land. 


A    LAY    OF    ST.  ROMW  OLD. 

All  accustom'd  to  galas,  grand  doings,  and  sights, 
A  matter  like  this  Avas  at  once  put  to  rights  ; 

'Twould  have  been  a  strange  thing, 

If  so  polish'd  a  king. 
With  his  board  of  Green  Cloth,  and  Lorc|^teward's  department, 
Couldn't  teach  an  Ambassador  what  the  word  "smart"  meant, 
A  banquet  was  order'd  at  once  for  a  score, 
Or  more,  of  the  corps  that  had  just  come  on  shore. 
And  the  King,  though  he  thought  it  "a  bit  of  a  bore," 

Ask'd  all  the  dliie 

Of  his  levee  to  meet 
The  illustrious  Strangers  and  share  in  the  treat ; 
For  the  Boyar  himself,  the  Queen  graciously  made  him  her 
Beau  for  the  day,  from  respect  to  Duke  Wladimir, 
(Queer  as  this  name  may  appear  in  the  spelling. 

You  won't  find  it  trouble  you, 

Sound  but  the  W, 
Like  the  First  L  in  Llan,  Lloyd,  and  Llewellyn !) 

Fancy  the  fuss  and  the  fidgety  looks 

Of  Robert  de  Burghersh,  the  constables,  cooks ; 

For  of  course  the  cuisine 

Of  the  King  and  the  Queen 
"Was  behind  them  at  London,  or  Windsor,  or  Sheene, 
Or  wherever  the  Court  ere  it  started  had  been, 

And  it 's  really  no  jest, 

When  a  troublesome  guest 
Looks  in  at  a  time  when  you  're  busy  and  prest. 
Just  going  to  fight,  or  to  ride,  or  to  rest, 
And  expects  a  good  lunch  when  you  've  none  ready  drest. 

The  servants,  no  doubt. 

Were  much  put  to  the  rout. 
By  tliis  very  extempore  sort  of  set-out, 

But  they  wisely  fell  back  upon  Poor  Richard's  plan, 
*•  When  you  can't  what  you  would,  you  must  do  what  you  canP 
26 


302  THE  blasphemer's  warning. 

So  they  ransack'd  the  country,  folds,  pig-styes,  and  pens, 
For  the  sheep  and  the  porkers,  the  cocks  and  the  hens ; 
'Twas  said  a  Tom-cat  of  Sir  Alured  Denne's, 
•  A  fine  tabby-grey 

Disappear' d^n  that  day, 
And  whatever  became  of  him  no  one  could  say ; 

They  brought  all  the  food 

That  ever  they  cou'd, 
Fish,  flesh,  and  fowl,  with  sea-coal  and  dry  wood, 
To  his  Majesty's  Dapifer,  Eudo  (or  Ude), 
They  lighted  the  town  up,  sat  ringing  the  bells, 
And  borrow'd  the  waiters  from  all  the  hotels. 
A  bright  thought,  moreover,  came  into  the  head 
Of  Dapifer  Eudo,  who  'd  some  little  dread, 
As  he  said,  for  the  thorough  success  of  his  spread. 
So  he  said  to  himself,  "  What  a  thing  it  would  be 

Could  I  have  here  with  me 

Some  one,  two,  or  three 
Of  their  outlandish  scullions  from  over  the  sea ! 
It's  a  hundred  to  one  if  the  Suite  or  their  Chief 
Understand  our  plum-puddings,  and  barons  of  beef  ; 
But  with  five  minutes'  chat  with  their  cooks  or  their  valets 
We'd  soon  dish  up  something  to  tickle  their  palates!" 
With  this  happy  conceit  for  improving  the  mess. 
Pooh-poohing  expense,  he  dispatch'd  an  express 
In  a  waggon  and  four  on  the  instant  to  Deal, 
Who  dash'd  down  the  hill  without  locking  the  wheel, 
And,  by  means  which  I  guess  but  decline  to  reveal. 
Seduced  from  the  Downs,  where  at  anchor  their  vessel  rodr 
Lumpoff  Icywitz,  serf  to  a  former  Count  Nesselrode, 

A  cook  of  some  fame. 

Who  invented  the  same 
Cold  pudding  that  still  bears  the  family  name. 
This  accomplish'd,  the  Chefs  peace  of  mind  was  restored, 
And  in  due  time  a  banquet  was  placed  on  the  board 


A    LAY   OF   ST.  ROMWOLD.  302 

«*In  the  very  best  style,"  -which  implies  in  a  word, 
"All  the  dainties  the  season"  (and  king)  "could  aiFord." 

There  were  snipes,  *here  were  rails, 

There  were  woodcocks  and  quails. 
There  were  peacocks  served  up  in  their  pride  (that  is  tails), 

Fricandeau,  fricassees, 

Ducks  and  green  peas, 
Cotelettes  A  V Indienne,  and  chops  d,  la  Soubisey 
(Which  Ipst  you  may  call  "onion  sauce"  if  you  please), 

There  were  barbecued  pigs 

Stuff 'd  with  raisins  and  figs, 
Omelettes  and  haricots,  stews  and  ragouts, 
And  pork  griskins,  which  Jews  still  refuse  and  abuse. 
Then  the  wines, — round  the  circle  how  swiftly  they  went  I 
Canary,  Sack,  Malaga,  Malvoisie,  Tent; 
Old  Hock  from  the  Rhine,  wine  remarkably  fine, 
Of  the  Charlemagne  vintage  of  seven  ninety-nine, — 
Five  cent'ries  in  bottle  had  made  it  divine ! 
The  rich  juice  of  Rousillon,  Gascoygne,  Bourdeaux, 

Marasquin,  Cura9oa, 

Kirschen  Wasser,  Noyeau, 
And  gin  which  the  company  voted  "No  Go ;'* 

The  guests  all  hob-nobbing, 

And  bowing  and  bobbing ; 
Some  prefer  white  wine,  while  others  more  value  red, 

Few,  a  choice  few, 

Of  more  orthodox  goiit, 
Stick  to  "  old  crusted  port,"  among  whom  was  Sir  Alured ; 
Never  indeed  at  a  banquet  before 
Had  that  gallant  commander  enjoy'd  himself  more. 

Then  came  "sweets" — served  in  silver  were  tartlets  and  pipp- 
in glass, 
Jellies  composed  of  punch,  calves'  feet,  and  isinglass, 
Creams,  and  whipt-syllabubs,  some  hot,  some  cool. 
Blancmange,  and  quince-custards,  and  gooseberry  fool. 


304  THE  blasphemer's  warning. 

/bid  now  from  the  good  taste  wliich  reigns  it 's  confest 
In  a  gentleman's,  that  is  an  EngUshman's,  breast, 
And  makes  him  polite  to  a  stranger  and  guest, 

They  soon  play'd  the  deuce 

With  a  large  Charlotte  Russe; 
More  than  one  of  the  party  dispatch'd  his  plate  t-wice 
With  ''I'm  really  ashamed,  but  —  another  small  slice! 
Your  dishes  from  Russia  are  really  so  nice !" 
Then  the  prime  dish  of  all!  <' There  was  nothing  so  good  in 

The  whole  of  the  Feed" 

One  and  all  were  agreed, 
•'As  the  great  LumpoflF  Icywitz'  Nesselrode  pudding!" 
Sir  Alured  Denne,  who'd  all  day,  to  say  sooth, 
Like  lago,  been  "plagued  with  a  sad  raging  tooth," 
Which  had  nevertheless  interfered  very  little 
With  his  —  what  for  my  rhyme  I'm  obliged  to  spell  —  vittle. 

Requested  a  friend, 

Who  sat  near  him  to  send 
Him  a  spoonful  of  what  he  heard  all  so  commend, 
And  begg'd  to  take  wine  with  him  afterwards,  grateful 
Because  for  a  spoonful  he  'd  sent  him  a  plateful. 
Having  emptied  his  glass  —  he  ne'er  balk'd  it  or  spill'd  it~ 
The  gallant  Knight  open'd  his  mouth — and  then  fiU'd  it! 

You  must  really  excuse  me  —  there 's  nothing  could  bribe 
Me  at  all  to  go  on  and  attempt  to  describe 

The  fearsome  look  then 

Of  Sir  Alured  Denne ! 
—Astonishment,  horror,  distraction  of  mind. 
Rage,  misery,  fear,  and  iced  pudding  —  combined  ! 
Lip,  forehead,  and  cheek  —  how  these  mingle  and  meet 
All  colours,  all  hues,  now  advance,  now  retreat, 
Now  pale  as  a  turnip,  now  crimson  as  beet! 
How  he  grasps  his  arm-chair  in  attempting  to  rise. 
See  his  veins  how  tliey  swell!  mark  the  roll  of  his  eyes! 


A    LAY   OF    ST.  ROMWOLD.  305 

No"W  east  and  now  west,  now  north  and  now  south, 
Till  at  once  lie  contrives  to  eject  from  his  mouth 

That  vile  "  spoonful" — what 

He  has  got  he  knows  not, 
He  isn't  quite  sure  if  it's  cold  or  it's  hot, 
At  last  he  exclaims,  as  he  starts  from  his  seat, 

"A  SNOWBALL  by !"  what  I  decline  to  repeat, — 

'Twas  the  name  of  a  bad  place,  for  mention  unmeet. 

Then  oh  what  a  volley  I  —  a  great  many  heard 

What  flow'd  from  his  lips,  and  'twere  really  absurd 

To  suppose  that  each  man  was  not  shock'd  by  each  word , 

A  great  many  heard  too,  with  mix'd  fear  and  wonder 

Tiie  terrible  crash  of  the  terrible  thunder, 

That  broke  as  if  bursting  the  building  asunder; 

But  very  few  heard,  although  every  one  might, 

The  short,  half-stifled  shriek  from  the  chair  on  the  right, 

Where  the  lady  of  Bonnington  sat  by  her  Knight; 

And  very  few  saw  —  some  —  the  number  was  small, 

In  the  large  ogive  window  that  lighted  the  hall, 

A  small  stony  Saint  in  a  small  stony  pall. 

With  a  small  stony  mitre,  and  small  stony  crosier. 

And  small  stony  toes  that  owed  nought  to  the  hosier. 

Beckon  stonily  downwards  to  some  one  below. 

As  Merryman  says,  "  for  to  come  for  to  go !" 

While  everyone  smelt  a  delicious  perfume 

That  seem'd  to  pervade  every  part  of  the  room ! 

Fair  Edith  Denne, 

The  honne  et  belle  then, 
Never  again  was  beheld  among  men ! 
But  there  was  the  fauteuil  on  which  she  was  placed. 
And  there  was  the  girdle  that  graced  her  small  waist, 
And  there  was  her  stomacher  brilliant  with  gems. 
And  the  mantle  she  wore,  edged  with  lace  at  the  hems, 
26* 


306  THE  blasphemer's  warning. 

Her  rich  brocade  gown  sat  upright  in  its  place, 

And  her  whimple  was   there  —  but  where  —  where  was    HElt 

FACE? 

'Twas  gone  with  her  body  —  and  nobody  knows, 
Nor  could  any  one  present  so  much  as  suppose 
How  that  Lady  contrived  to  slip  out  of  her  clothes ! 

But  'twas  done  —  she  was  quite  gone  —  the  how  and  the  where, 

No  mortal  was  ever  yet  found  to  declare  ; 

Though  inquiries  were  made,  and  some  writers  record 

That  Sir  Alured  oflfcr'd  a  handsome  reward. 

■X-  *  * 

King  Edward  went  o'er  to  his  wars  in  Guienne, 
Taking  with  him  his  barons,  his  knights,  and  his  men. 

You  may  look  through  the  whole 

Of  that  King's  muster-roll, 
And  you  won't  find  the  name  of  Sir  Alured  Denne; 
But  Chronicles  tell  that  there  formerly  stood 
A  little  old  chapel  in  Bilsington  wood 

The  remains  to  this  day, 

Archaeologists  say, 
May  be  seen,  and  I  '<i  go  there  and  look  if  I  could. 
There  long  dwelt  a  hermit  remarkably  good, 

Who  lived  there  all  alone, 

And  never  was  known 
To  use  bed  or  bolster,  except  the  cold  stone ; 
But  would  groan  and  would  moan  in  so  piteous  a  tone, 
A  wild  Irishman's  heart  had  responded  "  Och  hone!" 
As  the  fashion  with  hermits  of  old  was  to  keep  skins 
To  wear  with  the  wool  on  —  most  commonly  sheep-skins  — 
He,  too,  like  the  rest,  was  accustom'd  to  do  so ; 
His  beard,  as  no  barber  came  near  him,  too,  grew  so, 
He  bore  some  resemblance  to  Robinson  Crusoe, 
In  Houndsditch,  I  'm  told,  you  '11  sometimes  see  a  Jew  so. 

He  lived  on  the  roots, 

.:Vnd  the  cob-nuts  and  fruits. 


A    LAY   OF   ST.  ROM  WOLD.  307 

Which  the  Kind-hearted  rustics,  Avho  rarely  are  churls 
In  such  matters,  would  send  by  their  boys  and  their  girls  i 

They'd  not  get  him  to  speak, 

If  they'd  tried  for  a  week, 
But  the  colour  would  always  mount  up  in  his  cheek, 
And  he  'd  lobk  like  a  dragon  if  ever  he  heard 
His  young  friends  use  a  naughty  expression  or  word. 
How  long  he  lived,  or  at  what  time  he  died, 
'Twere  hard,  after  so  many  years,  to  decide, 
But  there 's  one  point  on  which  all  traditions  agree, 
That  he  did  die  at  last,  leaving  no  legatee. 
And  his  linen  was  mark'd  with  an  A  and  a  D. 

Alas !  for  the  glories  of  Bennington  Hall ! 
Alas,  for  its  splendour !  alas  for  its  fall ! 

Long  years  have  gone  by 

Since  the  trav'ler  might  spy 
Any  decentish  house  in  the  parish  at  all. 
For,  very  soon  after  the  awful  event 
I  've  related,  'twas  said  through  all  that  part  of  Kent 
That  the  maids  of  a  morning,  when  putting  the  chairs 
And  the  tables  to  rights,  would  oft  pop  unawares 
In  one  of  the  parlours,  or  galleries,  or  stairs. 
On  a  tall  female  figure,  or  find  her,  far  horrider, 
Slowly  o'  nights  promenading  the  corridor ; 
But  whatever  the  hour,  or  wherever  the  place. 
No  one  could  ever  get  sight  of  her  face! 

Nor  could  they  perceive 

Any  arm  in  her  sleeve. 
While  her  legs  and  her  feet  too,  seem'd  mere  *' make-believe," 
For  she  glided  along  with  that  shadow-like  motion 

Which  gives  one  the  notion 
Of  clouds  on  a  zephyr,  or  ships  on  the  ocean  ; 
And  though  of  her  gown  they  could  hear  the  silk  rustle, 
They  saw  but  tliat  side  on't  ornee  with  the  bustle. 


308  THE  blasphemer's  warning. 

The  servants,  of  course,  thougli  the  house  they  were  born  in, 
Soon  "wanted  to  better  themselves,"  and  gave  warning. 
While  even  the  new  Knight  grew  tired  of  a  guest 
Who  would  not  let  himself  or  his  family  rest ; 

So  he  pack'd  up  his  all, 

And  made  a  bare  wall 
Of  each  well-furnish'd  room  in  his  ancestor's  Hall, 
Then  left  the  old  Mansion  to  stand  or  to  fall, 
Having  previously  barr'd  up  the  windows  and  ga>-s, 
To  avoid  paying  sesses  and  taxes  and  rates, 
And  settled  on  one  of  his  other  estates, 
Where  he  built  a  new  mansion,  and  call'd  it  iJ^ru     Uill, 
And  there  his  descendants  reside,  I  think,  still. 

Poor  Bonnington,  empty,  or  left,  at  the  most, 
To  the  joint  occupation  of  rooks  and  a  Ghost, 

Soon  went  to  decay. 

And  moulder'd  away. 
But  whether  it  dropp'd  down  at  last  I  can't  say, 
Or  whether  the  jackdaws  produced,  by  degrees, 
Spontaneous  combustion  like  that  one  at  Pisa 

Some  cent'ries  ago, 

I'm  sure  I  don't  know. 
But  you  can't  find  a  vestige  now  ever  so  tiny, 
^''  Perierunt"  as  some  one  says,  *■' eiiam  ruincg.*' 


Moral. 

The  first  maxim  a  couple  of  lines  may  be  said  in, 
If  you  are  in  a  passion,  don't  swear  at  a  wedding ! 

Whenever  you  chance  to  be  ask'd  out  to  dine,    . 

Be  exceedingly  cautious  —  don't  take  too  much  winef 


A    LAY   OF    ST.  ROMWOLD.  309 

In  your  eating  remember  one  principal  point, 

Whatever  you  do,  iiave  your  eye  on  the  joint! 

Keep  clear  of  side  dishes,  don't  meddle  with  those 

Which  the  servants  in  livery,  or  those  in  plain  clothes, 

Poke  over  your  shoulders  and  under  your  nose, 

Or,  if  you  must  live  on  the  fat  of  the  land, 

And  feed  on  fine  dishes  you  don't  understand, 

Buy  a  good  book  of  cookery !     I  've  a  compact  one, 

First-rate  of  the  kind,  just  brought  out  by  Miss  Acton, 

This   will    teach   you    their   names,    the   ingredients    they're 

made  of. 
And  which  to  indulge  in,  and  which  be  afraid  of. 
Or  else,  ten  to  one,  between  ice  and  cayenne, 
You  '11  commit  yourself  some  day,  like  Alured  Denne. 

"To  persons  about  to  be  married"  I'd  say. 

Don't  exhibit  ill-humour,  at  least  on  The  Day ! 

And  should  there  perchance  be  a  trifling  delay 

On  the  part  of  officials,  extend  them  your  pardon, 

And  don't  snub  the  parson,  the  clerk,  or  churchwarden . 

To  married  men  this  —  for  the  rest  of  your  lives. 
Think  how  your  misconduct  may  act  on  your  wives 
Don't  swear  then  before  them,  lest  haply  they  faint, 
Or  what  sometimes  occurs  —  run  away  with  a  saint ! 


310  THE    BROTHERS   OF    BIRCHINGTON. 

A  SERIOUS  error,  similar  to  that  which  forms  the 
subject  of  the  following  legend,  is  said  to  have  occurred 
in  the  case  of  one,  or  rather  two  gentlemen  named 
Curina,  who  dwelt  near  Hippo  in  the  days  of  St.  Augus- 
tiae.  The  matter  was  set  right,  and  a  friendly  hint  at 
bhe  same  time  conveyed  to  the  ill-used  individual,  that  it 
would  be  advisable  for  him  to  apply  to  the  above  men- 
tioned Father,  and  be  baptised  with  as  little  delay  as 
possible.  The  story  is  quoted  in  "The  Doctor,''  together 
with  another  of  the  same  kind,  which  is  given  on  no 
less  authority  thau  that  of  Gregory  the  Great 


THE  BROTHERS  OF  BIRCHINGTON. 

A   LAY   OF    ST.  THOMAS   A'bECKET. 

You  are  all  aware  that 

On  our  throne  there  once  sat 
A  very  great  king  who'd  an  Angevin  hat, 
With  a  great  sprig  of  hroom,  which  he  wore  as  a  badge  in  it, 
Named  from  this  circumstance,  Henry  Plantagenet. 

Pray  don't  suppose 

That  I'm  going  to  prose 
O'er  Queen  Eleanor's  wrongs,  or  Miss  Rosamond's  woes. 
With  the  dagger  and  bowl,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
Not  much  to  the  credit  of  Miss,  Queen,  or  King. 

The  tale  may  be  true. 

But  between  me  and  you, 
With  the  King's  escapade  I  '11  have  nothing  to  do ; 
But  shall  merely  select,  as  a  theme  for  iry  rhymes, 
A  fact  which  occurr'd  to  some  folks  in  his  times. 


A    LAY   OF    ST.  THOMAS  a'bECKET.  31  \ 

If  for  health,  or  a  "lark," 

You  should  ever  embark 
In  that  best  of  improvements  on  boats  since  the  Ark, 
The  steam-vessel  call'd  the  "Red  Rover,"  the  barge 
Of  an  excellent  officer,  named  Captain  Large, 

You  may  see,  some  half  way 

'Twixt  the  pier  at  Heme  Bay 
And  Margate  the  place  where  you  're  going  to  stay, 
A  village  called  Birchington,  famed  for  its  "  Rolls," 
A.S  the  fishing-bank,  just  in  its  front,  is  for  Soles. 

Well, —  there  stood  a  fane 

In  this  Harry  Broom's  reign, 
On  the  Cvige  of  the  cliff,  overhanging  the  main, 
Renown  d  for  its  sanctity  all  throiigh  the  nation 
And  orthodox  friars  of  the  Austin  persuasion. 

Among  them  there  was  one. 

Whom  if  once  I  begun 
To  discribe  as  I  ought,  I  should  never  have  done, 
Father  Richard  of  Birchington,  so  was  the  Friar, 
Yclept,  whom  the  rest  had  elected  their  Prior. 

He  was  tall  and  upright. 

About  six  feet  in  height. 
His  cemplexion  was  what  you'd  denominate  light, 
And  the  tonsure  had  left,  '  mid  his  ringlets  of  brown.  , 

A  little  bald  patch  on  the  top  of  his  crown. 

His  bright  spaj-kling  eye 

Was  of  hazle,  and  nigh 
Rose  a  finely  ai'ch'd  eyebrow  of  similar  dye. 
He'd  a  small,  well-form'd  mouth  with  the  Cupidon  lip, 
And  an  aquiline  nose,  somewhat  red  at  the  tip. 


312  THE    BROTUERS    OF    BIRCHINGTON. 

In-doors  and  out 

He  was  very  devout, 
With  his  Aves  and  Paters — and  oh,  such  a  knout! ! 
For  his  self-flagellations !  the  Monks  used  to  say 
He  would  wear  out  two  penn'orth  of  whip-cord  a  day  I 

Then  how  his  piety 

Shows  in  his  diet,  he 
Dines  upon  pulse,  or,  by  way  of  variety. 
Sand-eels  or  dabs ;  or  his  appetite  mocks 
With  those  small  periwinkles  that  crawl  on  the  rooks. 

In  brief,  I  don't  stick 

To  declare  Father  Dick  — 
So  they  call'd  him,  "for  short," — was  a  "Regular  Brick," 
A  metaphor  taken  —  I  have  not  the  page  aright  — 
Out  of  an  ethical  work  by  the  Stagyrite. 

Now  Nature,  'tis  said, 

Is  a  comical  jade, 
And  among  the  fantastical  tricks  she  has  play'd. 
Was  the  making  our  good  Father  Richard  a  Brother 
As  like  him  in  form  as  one  pea 's  like  another ; 

He  was  tall  and  upright. 

About  six  feet  in  height, 
His  complexion  was  what  you'd  denominate  light. 
And,  though  he  had  not  shorn  his  ringlets  of  brown, 
He  'd  a  little  bald  patch  on  the  top  of  his  crown. 

He'd  a  bright  sparkling  eye 

Of  the  hazel,  hard  by 
Rose  a  finely-arch'd  sourcil  of  similar  dye  ; 
He  'd  a  small,  well-shaped  mouth,  with  a  Cupidon  lip, 
And  a  good  Roman  nose,  rather  red  at  the  tip. 


A    LAY   OF    ST.  THOMAS    a'bECKET.  313 

But  here,  it's  pretended, 

The  parallel  ended ; 
fn  fact,  there's  no  doubt  his  life  might  have  been  mended, 
And  people  who  spoke  of  the  Prior  with  delight. 
Shook  theii  heads  if  you  mention'd  his  brother,  the  Knight 

li  you'd  credit  report. 

There  was  nothing  but  sport. 
And  High  Jinks  going  on  night  and  day  at  <<  the  court," 
Where  Sir  Robert,  instead  of  devotion  and  charity. 
Spent  all  his  time  in  unseemly  hilarity. 

He  drinks  and  he  eats 

Of  choice  liquors  and  meats, 
And  he  goes  out  on  We'n'sdays  and  Fridays  to  treats. 
Gets  tipsy  whenever  he  dines  or  he  sups. 
And  is  wont  to  come  quarrelsome  home  in  his  cups. 

No  Paters,  no  Aves ; 

An  absolute  slave  he's 
To  tarts,  pickled  salmon,  and  sauces,  and  gravies ; 
While  as  to  his  beads — what  a  shame  in  a  Knight! — 
He  really  don't  know  the  wrong  end  from  the  right ! 

So,  though  'twas  own'd  then. 

By  nine  people  in  ten. 
That  '*  Robert  and  Richard  were  two  pretty  men," 
yet  there  the  praise  ceased,  or,  at  least  the  good  Priest 
>Vas  consider'd  the  "Beauty,"  Sir  Robert  the  "Beast." 

Indeed,  I'm  afraid 

More  might  have  been  laid 
To  the  charge  of  the  Knight  than  was  openly  said, 
For  then  we'd  no  "Phiz's,"  no  "  H.B.'s,"  nor  "  Leeches/' 
To  call  Roberts  "Bobs,"  and  illustrate  their  speeches. 

'Twas  whisper'd  he  'd  rob, 
Nay  murder !  a  job 
Which  would  stamp  him  no  "brick,"  but  a  "regular  snob," 
27 


.•>l4  THE    BROTHERS    OF   BIRCHINGTON. 

(An  obsolete  term,  which,  at  this  time  of  day, 
We  should  probably  render  by  mauvais  sujet). 

Now  if  here  such  affairs 

Get  wind  unawares, 
They  are  bruited  about,  doubtless,  much  more  "down  stairs, 
Where  Old  Nick  has  a  register-office,  they  say, 
With  commissioners  quite  of  such  matters  au  fait. 

Of  course,  when  he  heard 

What  his  people  averr'd 
Of  Sir  Robert's  proceedings  in  deed  and  in  word, 
He  ask'd  for  the  ledger,  and  hasten'd  to  look 
At  the  leaves  on  the  creditor  side  of  this  book. 

'Twas  with  more  than  surprise 

That  he  now  ran  his  eyes 
O'er  the  numberless  items,  oaths,  curses,  and  lies, 
Et  ccetera,  set  down  in  Sir  Robert's  account. 
He  Avas  quite  "flabbergasted"  to  see  the  amount. 

"  Dear  me !  this  is  wrong ! 

It's  a  great  deal  too  strong, 
I'd  no  notion  this  bill  had  been  standing  so  long — 
Send  Levybub  here !"  and  he  fill'd  up  a  writ 
Of  '■'■Ca.sa"  duly  prefaced  with  "Limbo  to  wit." 

"Here,  Levybub,  quick!" 

To  his  bailiff,  said  Nick, 
"I'm  'ryled,'  and  'my  dander's  up,'  'Go  a-head  slick' 
Tip  to  Kent  —  not  Kentuck  —  and  at  once  fetch  away 
A  snob  there — I  guess  that's  a  Mauvais  Siijet. 

"One  De  Birchington,  knight  — 

'Tis  not  clear  quite 
What  his  t'other  name  is  —  they've  not  enter'd  it  right, 
Ralph,  Robert,  or  Richard?  they've  not  gone  so  far, 
Our  critturs  have  put  it  down  merely  as  'R.' 


A    LAY    OF    ST.  THOMAS    a'bECKET.  315 

"  But  he 's  tall  and  upright, 

About  six  feet  in  height, 
His  complexion,  I  reckon,  you'd  calculate  light, 
And  he's  farther  'set  down'  having  ringlets  of  brown, 
With  a  little  bald  patch  on  the  top  of  his  crown. 

"  Then  his  eye  and  his  lip, 

Hook-nose,  red  at  tip, 
A.re  marks  your  attention  can't  easily  slip ; 
Take  Slomanoch  Avith  you,  he 's  got  a  good  knack 
Of  soon  grabbing  his  man,  and  be  back  in  a  crack  !" 

That  same  afternoon 

Father  Dick,  who,  as  soon 
Would  "knock  in"  or  "cut  chapel"  as  jump  o'er  the  moon. 
Was  missing  at  vespers —  at  compline  —  all  night! 
And  his  monks  were,  of  course,  in  a  deuce  of  a  fright. 

Morning  dawn'd  — 'twas  broad  day. 

Still  no  Prior !  the  tray 
With  his  muffins  and  eggs  went  untasted  away ;  — 
He  came  not  to  luncheon  —  all  said,  "it  was  rum  of  him!** 
—  None  could  conceive  what  on  earth  had  become  of  him. 

They  examined  his  cell, 

They  peep'd  down  the  well ; 
They  went  up  the  tow'r  and  look'd  into  the  bell. 
They  dragg'd  the  great  fish-pond,  the  little  one  tried. 
But  found  nothing  at  all,  save  some  carp  —  which  they  fried 

"  Dear  me !  Dear  me  1 
Why  where  can  he  be? 
He 's  fallen  over  the  cliff  ?  —  tumbled  into  the  sea  ? " 

"  Stay  —  he  talk'd,"  exclaim'd  one,  "  if  I  recollect  right. 
Of  making  a  call  on  his  brother  the  Knight?" 


516  THE    BROTHERS    OF    BIRCHINGTON. 

He  turns  as  lie  speaks, 

The  "Court  Lodge"  he  seeks 
Which  was  known  then,  as  now,  by  the  queer  name  of  Quekes, 
But  scarce  half  a  mile  on  his  way  had  he  sped, 
When  he  spied  the  good  Prior  in  the  paddock  —  stone  dead  I 

Alas !  'twas  too  true ! 

And  I  need  not  tell  you 
In  the  convent  his  news  made  a  pretty  to  do ; 
Through  all  its  wide  precincts  so  roomy  and  spacious, 
Nothing  was  heard  but  "Bless  me!'^  and  "Good  Gracious! !" 

They  sent  for  the  May'r 

And  the  Doctor,  a  pair 
Of  grave  men,  who  began  to  discuss  the  affair. 
When  in  bounced  the  Coroner,  foaming  with  fury, 
"Because,"  as  he  said,  "'twas  pooh!  pooh!  ing  his  jury." 

Then  commenced  a  dispute 

And  so  hot  they  went  to 't, 
That  things  seem'd  to  threaten  a  serious  emeute, 
When,  just  in  the  midst  of  the  uproar  and  racket, 
Who  should  walk  in  but  St.  Thomas  a  Becket. 

Quoth  his  saintship,  "How  now 

Here 's  a  fine  coil,  I  trow ! 
I  should  like  to  know,  gentlemen,  what 's  all  this  row  ? 
Mr.  WicklifFe  —  or  Wackliffe  —  whatever  your  name  is  — 
And  you,  Mr.  May'r,  don't  you  know,  sirs,  what  shame  is  ' 

"Pray  Avhat's  all  this  clatter 

About  ?  —  what 's  the  matter  ?  " 
Here  a  monk,  whose  teeth  funk  and  concern  made  to  chatter, 
Sobs  out,  as  he  points  to  the  corpse  on  the  floor, 
"'Tis  all  dickey  with  poor  Father  Dick  —  he's  no  more:" 


A    LAF    OF    ST.  THOMAS    a'bECKET.  .il7 

»<  How !  —  what  ?  "  says  the  saint, 

"Yes  he  is  —  no  he  ain't* 
He  can't  be  deceased  —  pooh!  it's  merely  a  feint, 
Or  some  foolish  mistake  which  may  serve  for  our  laughter, 
*He  should  have  died,'  like  the  old  Scotch  Queen,  'hereafter.' 

"  His  time  is  not  out; 

Some  blunder,  no  doubt, 
It  shall  go  hard  but  what  I'll  know  what  it's  about  — 
I  shan't  be  surprised  if  that  scurvy  old  Nick 's 
Had  a  hand  in't;  it  savours  of  one  of  his  tricks." 

When  a  crafty  old  hound 

Claps  his  nose  to  the  ground, 
Then  throws  it  up  boldly,  and  bays  out,  "I've  found !  " 
And  the  pack  catch  the  note,  I'd  as  soon  think  to  check  it, 
As  dream  of  bamboozling  St.  Thomas  a  Becket. 

Once  on  the  scent 

To  business  he  went, 
"You  Scoundrel,  come  here,  sir"  ('twas  Nick  that  he  meant) 
"Bring  your  books  here  this  instant  —  bestir  yourself  —  do, 
I've  no  time  to  waste  on  such  fellows  as  you." 

Every  corner  and  nook 

In  all  Erebus  shook. 
As  he  struck  on  the  pavement  his  pastoral  crook. 
All  its  tenements  trembled  from  basement  to  roofs, 
And  their  nigger  inhabitants  shook  in  their  hoofs. 

Hanging  his  ears. 

Yet  dissembling  his  fears. 
Ledger  in  hand,  straight  "  Auld  Hornie"  appears. 
With  that  sort  of  half-sneaking,  half-impudent  look, 
Bankrupts  sport  when  cross-question'd  by  Cresswell  or  Cooke, 

*  Cantise  for  "  is  not;"  St.  Thomas,  it  seems,  hnd  lived  long  enough  In  tho 
country  to  pick  up  a  few  of  its  provincialisms. 


318  THE    BROTHERS    OF    BIRCIIINGTON. 

'  So  Sii'-r-r!  you  are  here," 
Said  the  Saint  with  a  sneer, 
"  My  summons,  I  trust,  did  not  much  interfere 
With  your  morning  engagements  —  I  mei'ely  desire, 
At  your  leisure  to  know  what  you've  done  with  my  Prior? 

"Now,  none  of  your  lies, 

jNIr.  Nick!     I'd  advise 
You  to  tell  me  the  truth  without  any  disguise, 
Or-r-r ! !  "     The  Saint,  while  his  rosy  gills  seem'd  to  grow  rosier, 
Here  gave  another  great  thump  with  his  crosier. 

Like  a  small  boy  at  Eton, 

Who 's  not  quite  a  Crichton, 
And  don't  know  his  task  but  expects  to  be  beaten, 
Nick  stammer'd,  scarce  knowing  what  answer  to  make, 
*'  Sir,  I'm  sadly  afraid  here  has  been  a  mistake. 

"  These  things  will  occur, 

We  are  all  apt  to  err. 
The  most  cautious  sometimes,  as  you  know,  holy  sir ; 
For  my  own  part  —  I'm  sure  I  do  all  that  I  can  — 
But  —  the  fact  is  —  I  fear  —  we  have  got  the  wrong  man." 

"Wrong  man!"  roar'd  the  Saint  — 

But  the  scene  I  can't  paint. 
The  best  colours  I  have  are  a  vast  deal  too  faint  — 
Nick  afterwards  own'd  that  he  ne'er  knew  what  fright  meant, 
Before  he  saw  Saint  under  so  much  excitement 

"Wrong  man  !  don't  tell  me  — 

Pooh !  —  fiddle-de-dee ! 
What's  your  right.  Scamp,  to  amj  man !  — come,  let  me  see ; 
I'll  teach  you,  you  thorough-paced  rascal,  to  meddle 
With  church  matters;  come.  Sirrah,  out  with  your  schedule  I' 

In  support  of  his  claim 
The  fiend  turns  to  the  name 
Of  "  Do  Birchington"  written  in  letters  of  flame, 


A    LAY    OF    ST.  THOMAS  a'bECKET.  310 

Below  which  long  items  stand,  column  on  column, 
Enough  to  have  eked  out  a  decent-sized  volume ! 

Sins  of  all  sorts  and  shapes, 

From  small  practical  japes. 
Up  to  dicings,  and  drinkings,  and  murders  and  rapes, 
And  then  of  such  standing ! —  a  merciless  tick 
From  an  Oxford  tobacconist, — let  alone  Nick. 

The  saint  in  surprise 

Scarce  believed  his  own  eyes, 
Still  he  knew  he  'd  to  deal  with  the  father  of  lies, 
And  "So  this!  —  j'ou  call  this  The  exclaim'd  in  a  searching 

tone, 
*'  This ! ! !  the  account  of  my  friend  Dick  de  Birchington !" 

''  Why,"  said  Nick,  with  an  air 

Of  great  candour,  "it's  there 
Lies  the  awkwardest  part  of  this  awkward  affair  — 
I  thought  all  was  right  —  see  the  height  tallies  quite. 
The  complexion 's  what  all  must  consider  as  light ; 
There's  the  nose,  and  the  lip,  and  the  ringlets  of  Irown, 
And  the  little  bald  patch  on  the  top  of  the  crown. 

"And  then  the  surname. 

So  exactly  the  same  — 
don't  know  —  I  can't  tell  how  the  accident  came, 
But  some  how —  I  own  it's  a  very  sad  job. 
But — my  bailiff  grabb'd  Dick  when  he  should  have  nabb'd  Bob, 

"  I  am  vex'd  beyond  bounds 
You  should  have  such  good  grounds 
For  complaint ;  I  would  rather  have  given  five  pounds. 
And  any  apology,  sir,  you  may  choose, 
I  '11  make  with  much  pleasure,  and  put  in  the  news." 

"An  apology! — pooh! 
Much  good  that  will  do ! 
An  *  apology '  quoth  a  I  —  and  that  too  from  you !  •— 


320  THE    BROTHERS    OF    BIRCHIMGTOX. 

Before  any  proposal  is  made  of  the  sort, 

Bring  back  your  stol'n  goods,  thief! — produce  them  in  Court!" 

In  a  moment,  so  small 

It  seem'd  no  time  at  all, 
Father  Richard  sat  up  on  his  what-do-ye-call  — 
Sou  son  siant  —  and.  what  was  as  wondrous  as  pleasing, 
At  once  began  coughing,  and  snifting,  and  sneezing. 

While  strange  to  relate. 

The  Knight  whom  the  fate 
Of  his  brother  had  reach'd,  and  who  knock'd  at  the  gate, 
To  make  further  inquiries,  had  scarce  made  his  bow 
To  the  Saint,  ere  he  vanish'd,  and  no  one  knew  how ! 

Erupit  —  evasit, 

As  Tully  would  phrase  it. 
And  none  could  have  known  where  to  find  his  Hicjacel  — 
That  sentence  which  man  his  mortality  teaches  — 
Sir  Robert  had  disappear'd,  body  and  bi*eeches 

"  Heyday !     Sir,  heyday ! 

What 's  the  matter  now  —  eh  ?" 
Quoth  A'Becket,  observing  the  gen'ral  dismay, 
"  How,  again  ! — 'pon  my  word  this  is  really  too  bad! 
It  would  drive  any  saint  in  the  calendar  mad. 

"  What,  still  at  your  tricking? 
You  will  have  a  kicking? 
I  see  you  won't  rest  till  you  've  got  a  good  licking  — 
Your    claim,    friend  ?  —  what   claim  ?  —  why   you   show'd   me 

before, 
That  your   old  claim  was   cancell'd — you've  cross'd  out  thp 
score ! 

*'  Is  it  that  way  you  'd  Jew  one  ? 
You  've  settled  the  true  one  ? 
Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  he  has  run  up  a  new  one? 


A    LAY    OF    ST.  THOMAS    a'bECKKT.  u21 

Of  the  thousands  you've  cheated 

And  scurvily  treated, 
Name  one  you've  dared  charge  with  a  bill  once  receipted! 
[n  the  Bankruptcy  Court  should  you  dare  to  presume 
To  attempt  it,  they  'd  soon  kick  you  out  of  the  room, 
— Ask  Commissioner  Fonblanque,  or  ask  my  Lord  Brougham. 

*'And  then  to  make  under 

So  barefaced  a  blunder, 
Your  caption! — why  what's  the  world  come  to,  I  wonder? 
My  patience !  it's  just  like  his  impudence,  rat  him! 
— Stand  out  of  the  way  there,  and  let  me  get  at  him !" 

The  Saint  raised  his  arm, 

But  Old  Nick,  in  alarm, 
Dash'd  up  through  the  skylight,  not  doing  much  harm, 
While,  quitte  pour  la  peur,  the  Knight,  sound  on  the  whole 
Down  the  chimney  came  tumbling  as  black  as  a  ccal! 

Spare  we  to  tell 

Of  what  after  befell! 
How  the  Saint  lectured  Robert  de  Birchington  well, 
Bade  him  alter  his  life,  and  held  out  as  a  warning 
The  narrow  escape  he  'd  made  on 't  that  morning. 

Nor  need  we  declare 

How,  then  and  there. 
The  jury  and  Coroner  blew  up  the  May'r 
For  his  breach  of  decorum  as  one  of  the  quorinn, 
[n  not  having  Levybub  brought  up  before  'em. 

Nor  will  you  require 

Me  to  state  how  the  Prior 
Could  never  thenceforth  bear  the  sight  of  a  iiie. 
Nor  ever  was  heard  to  express  a  desire 
In  cold  weather  to  see  the  thermometer  higher. 


322  THE    BROTUERS    OF    BIRCHINGTON. 

Now  shall  I  relate 

The  subsequent  fate 
Of  St    Thomas  a  Becket,  whose  reverend  pate 
Fitzurse  and  De  Morville,  and  Brito  and  Tracy 
Shaved  off,  as  his  crown  had  been  merely  a  jasey.* 

Suffice  it  to  say, 

From  that  notable  day 
The  "Twin  Birchington  Brothers"  together  grew  grey* 
In  the  same  holy  convent  continued  to  dwell, 
Same  food  and  same  fastings,  same  habit,  same  cell. 

No  more  the  Knight  rattles 

In  broils  and  in  battles. 
But  sells,  by  De  Robins,  his  goods  and  his  chattels, 
And  counting  all  wealth  a  mere  Will-o'the-wisp, 
Disposes  of  Quekes  to  Sir  Nicholas  Crispe. 

One  spot  alone 

Of  all  he  had  known 
Of  his  spacious  domain  he  retain'd  as  his  own. 
In  a  neighbouring  parish,  whose  name  I  may  say 
Scarce  any  two  people  pronounce  the  same  way. 

Re-cwZ-ver  some  style  it, 

While  others  revile  it 
As  bad,  and  say  R^-cnhar — 'tisn't  worth  while,  it 
Would  seem,  to  dispute,  when  we  know  the  result  immat 
erial  —  I  accent,  myself,  the  penultimate. 

Sages,  with  brains 

Full  of  "  Saxon  remains," 
May  call  me  a  booby,  perhaps,  for  my  pains, 
Still  I  hold,  at  the  hazard  of  being  thought  dull  by  em, 
Fast  by  the  quantity  mark'd  for  Regulbium. 

*  Nee  satis  fuit  eis  sanguine  sacerdotis  et  ncce  ecclesiam  prophanare,  nisi, 
coronS  capitis  amputata,  funestis  gladiis  jam  defunct!  ejicerent  cerebrum.— 
Matt.  Paris. 


A    LAY   OF    ST.  THOMAS    a'bECKET.  323 

Cairt  as  you  Avill, 

The  traveller  still, 
In  the  voyage  that  we  talk'd  about,  marks  on  the  hill 
Overhanging  the  sea,  the  "twin-towers"  raised  then 
By  "Robert  and  Richard,  those  two  pretty  men." 

Both  tall  and  upright. 

And  just  equal  in  height; 
The  Trinity  House  talk'd  of  painting  them  white, 
And  the  thing  was  much  spoken  of  some  time  ago, 
When  the  Duke,  I  believe  —  but  I  really  don't  know. 

Well  —  there  the  "Twins"  stand 

On  the  verge  of  the  land, 
To  warn  mariners  off  fi'om  the  Columbine  sand, 
And  many  a  poor  man  have  Robert  and  Dick 
By  their  vow  caused  to  'scape,  like  themselves,  frcm  Old  Nick. 

So,  whether  you  're  sailors 

Or  Tooley-street  Tailors, 
Broke  loose  from  your  masters,  those  sternest  of  jailers, 
And,  bent  upon  pleasure,  are  taking  your  trip 
In  a  craft  which  you  fondly  conceive  is  a  ship. 

When  you  've  pass'd  by  the  Noi-e, 

And  you  hear  the  winds  roar 
In  a  manner  you  scarce  could  have  fancied  before. 

When  the  cordage  and  tackling 

Are  flapping  and  crackling. 

And  the  boy  with  the  bell 

Thinks  it  useless  to  tell 
You  that  "dinner's  on  table,"  because  you're  unwell; 

When  above  you  all's  "  scud," 

And  below  you  the  flood 
Looks  a  horrible  mixture  of  soap-suds  and  mud, 

When  the  timbers  are  straining, 

And  folks  are  complaining. 
The  dead-lights  arc  letting  the  spray  and  the  rain  in, 


324  THE    BROTHERS    OF    BIRCHINGTON. 

When  the  helms-man  looks  blue, 
And  Captain  Large  too, 
And  you  really  don't  know  what  on  earth  you  shall  d( 

In  this  hubbub  and  row 

Think  where  you'd  be  now. 
Except  for  the  Birchington  boys  and  their  vow ! 
And  while  o'er  the  wide  wave  you  feel  the  craft  pitch  hard, 
Jpraie  for  je  sotoks  of  liobertte  nn"G  IS^gcljnrTi ! 

Moral. 

It's  a  suoject  of  serious  complaint  in  some  houses. 
With  young  married  men  who  have  elderly  spouses, 
That  persons  are  seen  in  their  figures  and  faces, 
With  very  queer  people  in  very  queer  places, 
So  like  them  that  one  for  the  other's  oft  taken, 
And  conjugal  confidence  thereby  much  shaken: 
Explanations  too  often  are  thought  mere  pretences, 
And  Richard  gets  scolded  for  Robert's  offences. 

In  a  matter  so  nice, 

If  I  'm  ask'd  my  advice, 
I  say  copy  King  Henry  to  obviate  that. 
And  stick  something  remarkable  up  in  your  hat ! 

Next,  observe,  in  this  world  where  we've  so  many  cheats, 

How  useful  it  is  to  preserve  your  receipts ! 

If  you  deal  with  a  person  whose  truth  you  don't  doubt, 

Bo  particular,  still,  that  your  bill  is  cross'd  out ; 

But,  with  any  inducement  to  think  him  a  scamp. 

Have  a  formal  receipt  on  a  regular  stamp ! 

Let  every  gaj'  gallant  my  story  who  notes 

Take  warning,  and  not  go  on  "sowing  wild  oats!" 

Nor  depend  that  some  friend 

Will  always  attend, 
And  by  "making  all  right"  bring  him  off  in  the  end*, 


THE    KNIGHT    AND    THE    LADY.  325 

He  may  be  mistaken,  so  let  him  beware, 
St,  Thomas  k  Beckets  are  now  rather  rare. 

Last  of  all,  may'rs  and  magistrates,  never  be  rude 
To  juries !  they  are  people  who  won't  be  pooh-pooh'd ! 
Especially  Sandwich  ones  —  no  one  can  say 
But  himself  may  come  under  their  clutches  one  day ; 

They  then  may  pay  off 

In  kind  any  scofF, 
And,  turning  their  late  verdict  quite  ^^wisey  werscy^^^ 
'■'■Acquit  yon,"  and  not  "recommend  you  to  mercy."* 


THE  KNIGHT  AND  THE  LADY. 

A  DOMESTIC    LEGEND    OF   THE    REIGN    OF   QUEEN  ANNE. 

Hail,  wedded  lore  !  mysterious  tie !" 

Thomson  —  or  Somebody. 

The  Lady  Jane  was  tall  and  slim, 

The  Lady  Jane  was  fair, 
And  Sir  Thomas,  her  Lord,  was  stout  of  limb, 
And  his  cough  was  short,  and  his  eyes  were  dim. 
And  he  wore  green  "specs,"  with  a  tortoise-shell  rim, 
And  his  hat  was  remarkably  broad  in  the  brim, 
And  she  was  uncommonly  fond  of  him, — 

And  they  were  a  loving  pair !  — 
And  the  name  and  the  fame 

Of  the  Knight  and  his  Dame, 

*  At  a  Quarter  Sessions  held  at  Sandwich,  (some  six  miles  from  Birching 
ton,)  on  Tuesday  the  8th  of  April  last,  before  W.  F.  Boteler.  Esq.,  the  recorder, 
Thomas  Jones,  mariner,  aged  seventeen,  was  tritnl  for  stealing  a  jacket,  value 
ten  shillings.  The  jury,  after  a  patient  hearing,  found  him  -'noi  guilty,"  and 
*'  recommended  him  to  mercy.'—  Sec  the  whole  ^ase  reported  iu  the  "  Kentish 
Observer,"  April  10.  1815. 

28 


326  A    LEGEND  OF   THE   REIGN   OF   QUEEN    ANNE. 

Were  ev'rywhere  hail'd  Avitli  the  loudest  acclaim ; 
And  wherever  they  went,  or  wherever  they  came, 

Far  and  wide, 

The  people  cried. 
Huzza!  for  the  Lord  of  this  noble  domain, — 
Huzza !  Huzza  !  Huzza !  —  once  again ! — 

Encore !  —  Encore !  — 

One  cheer  morel  — 
— All  sorts  of  pleasure,  and  no  sort  of  pain 
To  Sir  Thomas  the  Good,  and  the  Fair  Lady  Jane! ! 

Now  Sir  Thomas  the  Good, 

Be  it  well  understood. 
Was  a  man  of  very  contemplative  mood, — 

He  would  pore  by  the  hour. 

O'er  a  weed  or  a  flower. 
Or  the  slugs  that  come  crawling  out  after  a  shower; 
Black-beetles,  and  Bumble-bees, —  Blue-bottle  flies. 
And  Moths  were  of  no  small  account  in  his  eyes ; 
An  "Industrious  Flea"  he'd  by  no  means  despise, 
While  an  "  Old  Daddy-long-legs,"  whose  "  long  legs  "  and  thighs 
Pass'd  the  common  in  shape,  or  in  colour,  or  size, 
He  was  wont  to  consider  an  absolute  prize. 
Nay,  a  hornet  or  wasp  he  could  scarce  *'keep  his  paws  off" 
—  he 

Gave  up,  in  short. 

Both  business  and  sport. 
And  abandon'd  himself,  tout  ende?;  to  Philosophy. 

Now,  as  Lady  Jane  was  tall  and  slim, 

And  Lady  Jane  was  fair, 
And  a  good  many  years  the  junior  of  him, — 
And  as  he, 
All  agree, 
Look'd  less  like  her  Mart, 


THE    KNIGHT    AND    THE    LADY.  327 

As  he  walk'd  h}  her  side,  than  her  Plre,'^ 

There  are  some  miglit  be  found  entertaining  a  notion 

That  such  an  entire  and  exclusive  devotion 

To  that  part  of  science,  folks  style  Entomology, 

Was  a  positive  shame, 

And,  to  such  a  fair  Dame, 
Really  demanded  some  sort  of  apology ; 

—  No  doubt,  it  would  vex 
One  half  of  the  sex 

To  see  their  own  husband,  in  horrid  green  "  specs," 

Instead  of  enjoying  a  sociable  chat, 

Still  poking  his  nose  into  this  and  to  that, 

At  a  gnat,  or  a  bat,  or  a  Cat,  or  a  rat. 

Or  great  ugly  things. 

All  legs  and  wings. 
With  nasty  long  tails  arm'd  with  nasty  long  stings: 
And  they'd  join  such  a  log  of  a  spouse  to  condemn, 

—  One  eternally  thinking, 
And  blinking,  and  winking 

At  grubs, —  when  he  ought  to  be  winking  at  them.— 

But  no ! —  oh  no ! 

'Twas  by  no  means  so 
With  the  Lady  Jane  Ingoldsby — she,  far  discrecter 
And,  having  a  temper  more  even  and  sweeter. 

Would  never  object  to 

Her  spouse,  in  respect  to 

His  poking  and  peeping 

After  "  things  creeping ;" 
Much  less  be  still  keeping  lamenting,  and  weeping, 
Or  scolding  at  what  she  perceived  him  so  deep  in. 

Totit  au  con tr aire, 
No  lady  so  fair 

*  My  friend,  Mr.  Hood, 
In  his  comical  mood> 
Would  have  probably  styhnl  the  good  Knight  and  his  Lady  — 
Ilim  —  "  Stwu-old  and  Hopkins.'  and  lu-r  '•  Tete  and  Braidy  " 


32S  A    LEGEND    OF   THE    REIGX   OF    QUEEN    ANNE. 

Was  e'er  known  to  wear  more  contented  an  air ; 
A.nd, —  let  who  would  call, —  every  day  she  was  there. 
Propounding  receipts  for  some  delicate  fare, 
Some  toothsome  conserve,  of  quince,  apple,  or  pear. 
Or  distilling  strong  waters, —  or  potting  a  hare, — 
Or  counting  her  spoons  and  her  crockery-ware ; 
Or  else,  her  tambour-frame  before  her,  with  care 
Embroidering  a  stool  or  a  back  for  a  chair, 
With  needle-work  roses,  most  cunning  and  rare. 
Enough  to  make  less-gifted  visitors  stare, 

And  declare,  where'er 

They  had  been,  that  "  they  ne'er 
In  their  lives  had  seen  aught  that  at  all  could  compare 
With  dear  Lady  Jane's  housewifery  —  that  they  would  swear  " 

Nay  more ;  don't  suppose 

With  such  doings  as  those 
This  account  of  her  merits  must  come  to  a  close ; 
No :  —  examine  her  conduct  more  closely,  you  '11  find 
She  by  no  means  neglected  improving  her  mind; 
For  there,  all  the  while,  Avith  air  quite  bewitching, 
She  sat  herring-boning,  tambouring,  or  stitching, 
Or  having  an  eye  to  affairs  of  the  kitchen. 

Close  by  her  side. 

Sat  her  kinsman,  MacBride, 
Her  cousin,  fourteen-times  removed,  —  as  you  '11  see 
[f  you  look  at  the  Ingoldsby  family  tree, 
[n  "Burke's  Commoners,"  vol.  xx.  page  53. 

All  the  papers  I've  read  agree, 

Too,  with  the  pedigree. 
Where,  among  the  collateral  branches,  appears 
"Captain  Dugald  MacBride,  Royal  Scots  Fusileers;" 
And  I  doubt  if  you'd  find  in  the  whole  of  his  clan 
A  more  highly-intelligent,  worthy  young  man  ;  — 

And  there  he  'd  be  sitting, 

While  she  was  a-knittin"-. 


THE    KNIGHT    AND    THE    LADY.  329 

Or  hemming,  or  stitching,  or  darning  and  fitting, 
Or  putting  a  "gore,"  or  a  "gusset,"  or  "bit"  in, 
Reading  aloud,  with  a  very  grave  look, 
Some  very  "  wise  saw"  from  some  very  good  book, — 

Some  such  pious  divine  as 

St.  Thomas  Aquinas  ; 

Or,  equally  charming. 

The  works  of  Bellarmine ; 

Or  else  he  unravels 

The  "voyages  and  travels" 
Of  Hackluytz — (how  sadly  these  Dutch  names  do  sully  verse  I)  — 
Purchas's,  Hawksworth's,  or  Lemuel  Gulliver's, — 
Not  to  name  others,  'mongst  whom  there  are  few  so 
Admired  as  John  Bunyan,  and  Robinson  Crusoe. — 

No  matter  who  came, 

It  was  always  the  same, 
The  Captain  was  reading  aloud  to  the  Dame, 
Till,  from  having  gone  through  half  the  books  on  the  shelf, 
They  were  almost  as  wise  as  Sir  Thomas  himself. 

Well,  it  happen'd  one  day, 

—  I  really  can't  say 
The  particular  month;  — but  I  think  'twas  in  May, — 
'Twas,  I  know,  in  the  Spring-time, — when  "Nature  looks  gay," 
As  the  Poet  obsei'ves,  —  and  on  tree-top  and  spray 
The  dear  little  dickey-birds  carol  away; 
When  the  grass  is  so  green,  and  the  sun  is  so  bright, 
And  all  things  are  teeming  with  life  and  with  light, — 
That  the  whole  of  the  house  was  thrown  into  affright. 
For  no  soul  could  conceive  what  was  gone  with  the  Knight  I 

It  seems  he  had  taken 

A  light  breakfast  —  bacon. 
An  egg — with  a  little  broil'd  haddock  —  at  most 
A  round  and  a  half  of  some  hot  butter'd  toast. 
With  a  slice  of  cold  sirloin  from  yesterday's  roast. 
28*^ 


330  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    RfciGN    OF    QUEEN    ANNE. 

And  then  —  let  me  see  !  — 

He  had  tAvo  — perhaps  three 
Cups  (-with  sugar  and  cream)  of  strong  gunpowder  tea, 
With  a  spoonful  in  each  of  some  choice  eau  de  vie, 
—  Which  with  nine  out  of  ten  would  perhaps  disagree,-^ 

—  In  fact,  I  and  my  son 

Mix  "black"  with  our  "Hyson," 
Neither  having  the  nerves  of  a  bull,  or  a  bison, 
And  both  hating  brandy  like  what  some  call  "  pison." 

No  matter  for  that  — 

He  had  call'd  for  his  hat, 
With  the  brim  that  1  've  said  was  so  broad  and  so  flat, 
And  his  "specs"  with  the  tortoise-shell  rim,  and  his  cants 
With  the  crutch-handled  top,  wliich  he  used  to  sustain 
His  steps  in  his  walks,  and  to  poke  in  the  shrubs 
And  the  grass,  Avhen  unearthing  his  worms  and  his  ginib? 
Thus  arm'd,  he  set  out  on  a  ramble  —  alack ! 
He  set  out,  poor  dear  Soul !  —  but  he  never  came  back ! 


"  First  dinner-bell"  rang 

Out  its  euphonous  clang 
At  five  —  folks  kept  early  hours  then  —  and  the  "Last" 
Ding-dong'd,  as  it  ever  was  wont,  at  half-past, 

While  Betsey  and  Sally, 

And  Thompson  the  Valet, 
And  every  one  else  was  beginning  to  bless  himself, 
Wondering  the  Knight  had  not  come  in  to  dress  himself,  ■ 
—  Quoth  Betsey,  "  Dear  me !  why  the  fish  will  be  cold !" 
Quoth  Sally,  "Good  gracious!  how  'Missis'  wjVZ  scold!" 

Thompson,  the    Valet, 

Look'd  gravely  at  Sally, 
As  who  should  say  "  Truth  must  not  always  be  told!" 
Then,  expressing  a  fear  lest  the  Knight  might  take  cold. 

Thus  exposed  to  the  dews, 

Lambs'-wool  stockings  and  shoes, 


THE  KNIGHT  AND  THE  LADY.  331 

Of  each  a  fresh  pair, 
He  put  down  to  air, 
A  iivl  hung  a  clean  shirt  to  the  fire  on  a  cha.t.  — 

Still  the  Master  was  absent — the  Cook  came  and  said,  "he 
Much  fear'd,  as  the  dinner  had  been  so  long  ready, 

The  roast  and  the  boil'd 

"Would  be  all  of  it  spoil'd, 
And  the  puddings,  her  Ladyship  thought  such  a  treat, 
He  was  morally  sure,  would  be  scarce  fit  to  eat!" 

This  closed  the  debate  — 

'■  'Twould  be  folly  to  wait," 
Said  the  Lady,  "  Dish  up !  -  — Let  the  meal  be  served  straight ; 
And  let  two  or  three  slices  be  put  on  a  plate, 
And  kept  hot  for  Sir  Thomas.  —  He 's  lost,  sure  as  fate ! 
And,  a  hundred  to  one,  won't  be  home  till  it's  late !" 
—  Captain  Dugald  MacBride  then  proceeded  to  face 
The  Lady  at  table,  — stood  up,  and  said  grace, — 
Then  set  himself  down  in  Sir  Thomas's  place. 

Wearily,  wearily,  all  that  night. 

That  live-long  night  did  the  hours  go  by ; 
And  the  Lady  Jane, 
In  grief  and  in  pain. 
She  sat  herself  down  to  cry !  — 
And  Captain  MacBride, 
Who  sat  by  her  side. 
Though  I  really  can't  say  that  he  actually  cried, 

At  least  had  a  tear  in  his  eye !  — 
Ai  much  as  can  well  be  expected,  perhaps, 
Fr>m  "very  young  fellows"  for  very  "  old  chaps;" 
And  if  he  had  said 
What  he  'd  got  in  his  head, 
'Twould  have  been  "Poor  old  Buifer!  he's  certainly  dead  . 

The  morning  dawn'd,  —  and  the  next,  —  and  the  next, 
And  all  in  tlic  mansion  were  still  perplex'd ; 


332  A    LEGEND    OP    THE    REIGN    Oi'   QUEEN    ANNE. 

No  watch-dog  ''bay'd  a  welcome  home,"  as 

A.  watch-dog  should  to  the  "  Good  Sir  Thomas:" 

No  knocker  fell 

His  approach  to  tell, 
Not  so  much  as  a  runaway  ring  at  the  bell  — 
The  Hall  was  silent  as  Hermit's  cell. 

Yet  the  sun  shone  bright  upon  tower  and  tree, 
And  the  meads  smiled  green  as  green  may  be, 
And  the  dear  little  dickey-birds  caroll'd  with  glee, 
And  the  lambs  in  the  park  skipp'd  merry  and  free  — 
—  Without,  all  was  joy  and  harmony! 

"And  thus  'twill  be,  —  nor  long  the  day, — 
Ere  we,  like  him,  shall  pass  away ! 
Yon  Sun,  that  now  our  bosoms  warms, 
Shall  shine,  —  but  shine  on  other  forms ;  — 
Yon  Grove,  whose  choir  so  sweetly  cheers 
Us  now,  shall  sound  on  other  ears,  — 
The  joyous  Lamb,  as  now,  shall  play, 
But  other  eyes  its  sports  survey,  — 
The  stream  we  loved  shall  roll  as  fair. 
The  flowery  sweets,  the  trim  Parterre 
Shall  scent,  as  now,  the  ambient  air, — 
The  Tree,  whose  bending  branches  bear 
The  One  loved  name  —  shall  yet  be  there ;  — 
But  where  the  hand  that  carved  it  ?  —  Where  ?" 

These  were  hinted  to  me  as 

The  very  ideas 
Which  pass'd  through  the  mind  of  the  fair  Lady  Jauo, 
Her  thoughts  having  taken  a  sombre-ish  train, 
As  she  walk'd  on  the  esplanade,  to  and  again, 

With  Captain  MacBride, 

Of  course,  at  her  side. 
Who  could  not  look  quite  so  forlorn, —  though  he  tried. 


THE    KNIGHT    AND    THE    LADY.  333 

—  An  "idea,"  in  fact,  had  got  into  his  head, 

That  if  "poor  dear  Sir  Thomas"  should  really  be  dead. 
It  might  be  no  bad  "  spec."  to  be  there  in  his  stead, 
And,  by  simply  contriving,  in  due  time,  to  wed 
A  Lady  who  was  young  and  fair, 
A  lady  slim,  and  tall, 
To  set  himself  down  in  comfort  there 

The  Lord  of  Tapton  ^  Hall.  — 

Thinks  he,  "  We  have  sent 

Half  over  Kent, 
And  nobody  knows  how  much  money 's  been  spent, 
Yet  no  one 's  been  found  to  say  which  way  he  went !  — 

The  groom,  who 's  been  over 

To  Folkstone  and  Dover, 
Can't  get  any  tidings  at  all  of  the  rover ! 

—  Here 's  a  fortnight  and  more  has  gone  by,  and  we  'vc  tried 
Every  plan  we  could  hit  on  —  the  whole  country-side. 

Upon  all  its  dead  walls,  with  placards  we  've  supplied, 

And  we  've  sent  out  the  Crier,  and  had  him  well  cried 

*  Missing  !  ! 

Stolen,  or  stray'd. 

Lost,  or  mislaid, 
A  Gentleman  ;  —  middle-aged,  sober,  and  staid ; — 
Stoops  slightly ;  —  and  when  he  left  home  was  array'd 

In  a  sad-colour'd  suit,  somewhat  dingy  and  fray'd ; 

Had  spectacles  on  with  a  tortoise-shell  rim. 
And  a  hat  rather  low-crown'd,  and  broad  in  the  brim 
Whoe'er 
Shall  bear, 

Or  shall  send  him  with  care, 
(Right  side  uppermost)  home ;  or  shall  give  notice  where 
The  said  middle-aged  Gentlemaii  is ;  or  shall  state 

*  The  familinr  abbreviation  for  Tapp^ngton  Everard  still  in  use  amonir  l!i«^ 
tenantry. —  Vide  Prefatory  Introduction  to  the  Ingoldshy  Legends. 


334  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    REIGN    OF    QUEEN    ANNE 

Anj  fact,  that  may  tend  to  throw  light  on  his  f:itc, 
To  the  man  at  the  turnpike,  called  Tappington  Gate, 
Shall  receive  a  Rewaed  of  Five  Pounds  for  his  trouble,— 
r.B. — If  defunct  the  Reward  will  be  double! !. 


"  Had  he  been  above  ground 

He  must  have  been  found. 
No ;  doubtless  he's  shot, —  or  he  's  hang'd, —  or  he 's  drown'dl 

Then  his  Widow  —  ay !  ay ! — 

But,  what  will  folks  say ! — 
To  address  her  at  once  —  at  so  early  a  day ! 
Well  —  what  then? — who  cares ! — let  'em  say  what  they  may — 
A  fig  for  their  nonsense  and  chatter! — suffice  it,  her 
Charms  will  excuse  one  for  casting  sheep's  eyes  at  her ' " 

When  a  Man  has  decided 

As  Captain  MacBride  did, 
And  once  fully  made  up  his  mind  on  the  matter,  he 
Can't  be  too  prompt  in  unmasking  his  battery. 
Ho  began  on  the  instant,  and  vow'd  that  "her  eyes 
Far  exceeded  in  brilliance  the  stars  in  the  skies, — 
That  her  lips  were  like  roses  —  her  cheeks  were  like  lilies  — 
Her  breath  had  the  odour  of  daflfy-down-dillies ! " — 
With  a  thousand  more  compliments  equally  true. 
And  express'd  in  similitudes  equally  new ! 

—  Then  his  left  arm  he  placed 

Round  her  jimp,  taper  waist  — 
—  Ere  she  fix'd  to  repulse,  or  return,  his  embrace, 
Up  came  running  a  man,  at  a  deuce  of  a  pace, 
With  that  very  peculiar  expression  of  face 
Which  always  betokens  dismay  or  disaster. 
Crying  out  —  'twas  the  Gardener, —  "Oh,  Ma'am!  we've  found 

Master ! " 
— ''  Where!  where?"  scream'd  the  lady;  and  Echo  scream'd  — 
"Where?" 

The  man  couldn't  say  "  There  ! " 

He  had  p*^  ^      f^'-  in  «T^"^f. 


THE    KNIGHT    aND    THK    LADY.  335 

Bat,  gasping  for  air,  ho  could  only  respond, 

By  pointing  —  he  pointed,  alas! — to  the  Pond. 

—  'Twas  e'en  so — poor  dear  Knight! — with  his  "specs"  and 

his  hat 
He'd  gone  poking  his  nose  into  this  and  to  that; 

When,  close  to  the  side 

Of  the  bank,  he  espied 
An  "uncommon  fine"  Tadpole,  remarkably  fat! 

He  stoop'd; — and  he  thought  her 

His  own ; — he  had  caught  her! 
Got  hold  of  her  tail, —  and  to  land  almost  brought  uer, 
When — he  plump'd  head  and  heels  into  fifteen  feet  water' 


The  La<ly  Jane  was  tall  and  slim. 

The  Lady  Jane  was  fair, 
Alas,  for  Sir  Thomas ! —  she  grieved  for  him, 
As  she  saw  two  serving-men,  sturdy  of  limb, 
His  body  between  them  bear : 
She  sobb'd,  and  she  sigh'd ;  she  lamented,  and  critni, 

For  of  sorrow  brimful  was  her  cup ; 
She  swoon'd,  and  I  think  she  'd  have  fall'n  down  and  died. 
If  Captain  MacBride 
Had  not  been  by  her  side, 
With  the  Gardener;  they  both  their  assistance  supplied, 
And  managed  to  hold  her  up. — 

But,  when  she  "comes  to," 
Oh !  'tis  shocking  to  view 
The  sight  which  the  corpse  reveals ! 
Sir  Thomas's  body, 
It  look'd  so  odd — he 
Was  half  eaten  up  by  the  eels  I 
His  waistcoat  and  hose,  and  the  rest  of  his  clothes 
Were  all  gnawl'd  thi'ough  and  through  ; 
And  out  of  each  shoe 
An  eel  they  drew ; 


a36  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    REIGN    OF    ^UEKN    ANNE. 

And  from  each  of  his  pockets  they  pull'd  out  two ! 
And  the  Gardener  himself  had  secreted  a  few. 

As  well  we  may  suppose ; 
For,  when  he  came  running  to  give  the  alarm, 
He  had  six  in  the  basket  that  hung  on  his  arm. 

Good  Father  John* 

Was  summon'd  anon ; 

Holy  water  was  sprinkled, 

And  little  bells  tinkled, 

And  tapers  were  lighted. 

And  incense  ignited, 
And  masses  were  sung,  and  masses  were  said, 
All  day,  for  the  quiet  repose  of  the  dead, 
And  all  night  no  one  tliought  about  going  to  bed. 

But  Lady  Jane  was  tall  and  slim. 
And  Lady  Jane  was  fair, — 
And,  ere  morning  came,  that  winsome  dame 
Had  made  up  her  mind  —  or,  what 's  much  the  same, 
Had  thought  about  —  once  more  "changing  her  name,' 

And  she  said  with  a  pensive  air. 
To  Thompson,  the  valet,  while  taking  away, 
When  supper  was  over,  the  cloth  and  the  tray,— 
"  Eels  a  many 
I  've  ate  ;  but  any 
So  good  ne'er  tasted  before !  — 
They're  a  fish,  too,  of  which  I'm  remarkably  fond. — 
Go  —  pop  Sir  Thomas  again  in  the  Pond  — 

Poor  dear !  —  he  'll  catch  us  some  more  ! ! " 


*  For  some  account  of  Father  John  Ingoldsby,  to  whose  papers  I  am  so  mucb 
beholden,  see  IngoMshy  Legends,  First  Series,  p.  208.  This  was  the  last  ecclb 
^isiistical  act  of  his  long  and  valuable  life. 


THE  KNIGHT  AND  THE  LADY  337 


Moral. 


All  middle-aged  Gentlemen  let  me  advise. 

If  you're  married,  and  have  not  got  very  good  eyes, 

Don't  go  poking  about  after  blue-bottle  flies !  — 

If  you  've  spectacles,  don't  have  a  tortoise-shell  nm, 

And  don't  go  near  the  water, —  unless  you  can  swim! 

Married  Ladies,  especially  such  as  are  fair, 

Tall,  and  slim,  I  would  next  recommend  to  beware 

How,  on  losing  one  spouse,  they  give  way  to  despair ; 

But  let  them  reflect,  "  There  are  fish,  and  no  doubt  un  t— 

As  good  in  the  river  as  ever  came  out  on 't ! " 

Should  they  light  on  a  spouse  who  is  given  to  roaming 

In  solitude  —  raison  de plus,  in  the  "gloaming," — 

Let  them  have  a  fix'd  time  for  said  spouse  to  come  home  in ! 

And  if,  when  "last  dinner-bell "  's  rung,  he  is  late, 

To  insure  better  manners  in  futiire  —  Don't  wait!  — 

If  of  husband  or  children  they  chance  to  be  fond, 
Have  a  stout  iron- wire  fence  put  all  round  the  pond ! 

One  more  piece  of  advice,  and  I  close  my  appeals  — 
That  is  —  if  you  chance  to  be  partial  to  eels, 
Then  —  Crede  experio  —  trust  one  who  has  tried  — 
Have  them  spitch-cock'd,  —  or  stew'd  —  they're  too  oily  when 
fried ! 

29 


THE  HOUSE-WARMING!! 

A    LEGEND   OF   BLEEDING-HEART    YARD, 

Did  you  ever  see  the  Devil  dance?  —  Olp  Query. 

Sin  Christopher  Hatton  he  danced  with  gi-ace, 

He  'd  a  very  fine  form  and  a  very  fine  face, 

And  his  cloak  and  his  doublet  were  guarded  with  lace. 

And  the  rest  of  his  clothes, 

As  you  well  may  suppose, 
In  taste  were  by  no  means  inferior  to  those ; 

He  'd  a  yellow-starch'd  ruff, 

And  his  gloves  were  of  buflf, 
On  each  of  his  shoes  a  red  heel  and  a  rose, 
And  nice  little  moustaches  under  his  nose ; 

Then  every  one  knows 

How  he  turn'd  out  his  toes, 
And  a  very  great  way  that  accomplishment  goes, 
In  a  Court  where  it 's  thought,  in  a  lord  or  a  duke,  a 
Disgrace  to  fall  short  in  "the  Brawls" — (their  Cachouca) 

So  what  with  his  form,  and  what  with  his  face. 
And  what  with  his  velvet  cloak  guarded  with  lace. 
And  what  with  his  elegant  dancing  and  grace. 

His  dress  and  address 

So  tickled  Queen  Bess 
That  her  Majesty  gave  him  a  very  snug  place; 
And  seeing,  moreover,  at  one  single  peep,  her 
Advisers  were,  few  of  them,  sharper  or  deeper 
(Old  Burleigh  excepted),  she  made  him  Lord  Keeper 

I  've  heard,  I  confess,  with  no  little  surprise 
English  history  calTd  a  farm  go  of  lies  *, 

8?8 


THE    HOUSE-WARMING.  339 

And  a  certain  Divine, 
A  connexion  of  mine, 
Who  ought  to  know  better,  as  some  folks  opine, 
Is  apt  to  declare, 
Leaning  back  in  his  chair, 
With  a  sort  of  smirking,  self-satisfied  air. 
That  "aU  that's  recorded  in  Hume  and  elsewhere. 
Of  our  early  ^Annales' 
A  trumpery  tale  is, 
Like  the  'Bold  Captain  Smith's,'  and  the  'Luckless  ]\Hss  Bay- 
ley's' — 
That  old  Roger  Hovedon,  and  Ralph  de  Diceto, 
And  others  (whose  names  should  I  try  to  repeat  o- 
ver,  well  I  'm  assured  you  would  put  in  your  veto), 
Though  all  holy  friars, 
Were  very  great  liars, 
And  raised  stories  faster  than  Grissel  and  Peto  — 
That  Harold  escaped  with  the  loss  of  a  '  glim ' — 
That  the  shaft  which  kill'd  Rufus  ne'er  glanced  from  a  limb 
Of  a  tree,  as  they  say,  but  was  aim'd  slap  at  him, — 
That  Fair  Rosamond  never  was  poison'd  or  spitted, 
But  outlived  Queen  Nell,  who  was  much  to  be  pitied ; — 
That  Nelly  her  namesake,  Ned  Longshanks's  wife, 
Ne'er  went  crusading  at  all  in  her  life. 
Nor  suck'd  the  wound  made  by  the  poison-tipp'd  knife  I 
For  as  she. 
O'er  the  sea, 
Towards  far  Galilee, 
Never,  even  in  fancy,  march'd  carcass  or  shook  shanks. 
Of  course  she  could  no  more  suck  Longshanks  than  Cruikshanks, 
But,  leaving  her  spindle-legg'd  liege-lord  to  roam, 
Staid  behind,  and  suck'd  something  much  better  at  home,- 
That  it 's  quite  as  absurd 
To  say  Edward  the  Third, 
In  reviving  the  Garter,  afforded  a  handle 
For  any  Court-gossip    detraction,  or  scandal. 


340  A    LEGEND    OF    BLEEDING-HEART    YARb. 

As  'twould  be  to  say, 

That  at  Court  t'other  day, 
At  the  fete  which  the  newspapers  say  was  so  gay, 
His  Great  Representative  then  stole  away 
Lady  Salisbury's  garters  as  part  of  the  play. — 
— That  as  to  Prince  Hal's  being  taken  to  jail, 
By  the  London  PoUce,  without  mainprize  or  bail, 

For  cuffing  a  judge, 

It's  a  regular  fudge ; 
And  that  Chief-Justice  Grascoigne,  it's  very  well  known. 
Was  kick'd  out  the  moment  he  came  to  the  throne. — 
— Then  that  Richard  the  Third  was  a  'marvellous  proper  man'' 
Never  kill'd,  injured,  or  wrong'd  of  a  copper,  man. — 

Ne'er  wish'd  to  smother 

The  sons  of  his  brother, — 
Nor  ever  stuck  Harry  the  Sixth,  who,  instead 
Of  being  squabash'd,  as  in  Shakspeare  we  've  read, 
Caught  a  bad  influenza,  and  died  in  his  bed, 
In  the  Tower,  not  far  from  the  room  where  the  Guard  is 
(The  octagon  one  that  adjoins  Duffus  Hardy's). 
— That,  in  short,  all  the  'facts'  in  the  Decern  Scriptores 
Are  nothing  at  all  but  sheer  humbugging  stories." 

Then  if,  as  he  vows,  both  this  country  and  France  in, 
Historians  thus  gave  themselves  up  to  romancing. 
Notwithstanding  what  most  of  them  join  in  advancing 
Respecting  Sir  Christopher's  capering  and  prancing, 

'Twill  cause  no  surprise 

If  we  find  that  his  rise 
Is  not  to  be  solely  ascribed  to  his  dancing ! 
The  fact  is,  Sir  Christopher,  early  in  life, 
As  all  bachelors  should  do,  had  taken  a  wife, 
A  Fanshawe  by  family, —  one  of  a  house 
Well  descended,  but  boasting  less  "nobles"  than  nous; 

Though  e'en  as  to  purse 

He  might  have  done  worse. 


THE    HOUSE-WARMING.  341 

For  I  find,  on  perusing  her  Grandfather's  will,  it  is 
Clear  she  had  "good  gifts  beside  possibilities,"* 

Owches  and  rings, 

And  such  sort  of  things, 
Orellana  shares  (then  the  American  Stocks), 
Jewell' d  stomachers,  coifs,  ruffs,  silk-stockings  with  clocks, 
Point-lace,  cambric  handkerchiefs,  nightcaps,  and  —  socks  — 
(Recondite  apparel  contain'd  in  her  box), 

— Then  the  height  of  her  breeding 

And  depth  of  her  reading 
Might  captivate  any  gay  youth,  and,  in  leading 
Him  on  to  "propose,"  well  excuse  the  proceeding ; 
Truth  to  tell,  as  to  "reading,"  the  Lady  was  thought  to  do 
More  than  she  should,  and  know  more  than  she  ought  to  do ; 

Her  maid,  it  was  said. 

Declared  that  she  read 
(A  custom  all  staid  folks  discourage)  in  bed; 

And  that  often  o'  nights, 

Odd  noises  and  sights 
In  her  mistress's  chamber  had  giv'n  her  sad  frights, 
After  all  in  the  mansion  had  put  out  their  lights. 
And  she  verily  thought  that  hobgoblins  and  sprites 
Were  there,  kicking  up  all  sorts  of  devil's  delights; — 
Miss  Alice,  in  short,  was  supposed  to  "collogue  " — I 
Don't  much  like  the  word  —  with  the  subtle  old  rogue,  I 
've  heard  call'd  by  so  many  names  —  one  of  them's  "  Bogy  "— 

Indeed  'twas  conceived, 

And  by  most  folks  believed, 
— A  thing  at  which  all  of  her  well-wishers  griev'd  - 
That  should  she  incline  to  play  such  a  vagary. 
Like  sage  Lady  Branxholm,  her  contempo-rary 
(Excuse  the  false  quantity,  reader  I  pray), 
She  could  turn  a  knight  into  a  wagon  of  hay, 
Or  tAVC  nice  little  boys  into  puppies  at  play, 

*  "Seven  hundred  pounds  and  posi-ibilities  is  good  gifts." 

Sm  High  Evans. 

29^- 


H42  A    LEGEND    OF    BLEEDING-HEART    YAKD. 

Raison  de  plus,  not  a  doubt  could  exist  of  her 
Pow'r  to  turn  "  Kit  Hatton"  into  "  Sir  Christopher  ;  " 
But  what  "mighty  magic,"  or  strong  "conjuration," 
Whether  love-powder,  philtre,  or  other  potation 

She  used,  I  confess, 

I  'm  unable  to  guess, — 

Much  less  to  express 

By  what  skill  and  address 
She  "cut  and  contrived"  with  such  signal  success, 
As  we  Londoners  say,  to  "inwiggle"  Queen  Bess, 

Inasmuch  as  I  lack  heart 

To  study  the  Black  Art ; 
Be  that  as  it  may, —  it's  as  clear  as  the  sun, 
That,  however  she  did  it,  'twas  certainly  done  ! 

Now,  they're  all  very  well,  titles,  honour,  and  rank, 
Still  we  can't  but  admit,  if  we  choose  to  be  fi-ank, 
There's  no  harm  in  a  snug  little  sum  in  the  Bank! 

An  old  proverb  says, 

"Pudding  still  before  praise  !  " 
An  adage  well  known  I've  no  doubt  in  those  days. 
And  George  Colman,  the  Younger,  in  one  of  his  plays. 
Makes  one  of  his  characters  loudly  declare 
That  "  a  Lord  without  money," — I  quote  from  his  "  ITeir- 
At-Law  "  —  "  's  but  a  poor  Avishy- washy  affair  I  " — 
In  her  subsequent  conduct  I  think  we  can  see  a 
Strong  proof  the  Dame  entertain'd  some  such  idea 

For,  once  in  the  palace. 

We  find  Lady  Alice 
Again  playing  tricks  Avith  her  Majesty's  chalice 

In  the  way  that  the  jocose,  in 

Our  days,  term  "hocussing;" 
The  liquor  she  used,  as  I've  said,  she  kept  close, 
But  Avhatever  it  was,  she  now  doubled  the  dose! 

(So  true  is  the  saying, 

"We  never  can  stav,  in 


THE    nOUSE-WARMING.  343 

Our  progress,  when  once  with  the  fonl  fiend  we  league  us." 
—  She  "  doctor'd"  the  punch,  and  she  "  doctor'd"  the  negus. 
Taking  care  not  to  put  in  sufficient  to  flavour  it, 

Till,  at  every  fresh  sip. 

That  moisten'd  her  lip. 
The  Virgin  Queen  grew  more  attach'd  to  lier  Favourite. 

*'  No  end"  now  he  commands 

Of  money  and  lands, 
And,  as  George  Robins  says,  when  he's  writing  about  houses, 
♦•Messuages,  tenements,  crofts,  tofts,  and  outhouses," 
Parks,  manors,  chases,  She  ♦*  gives  and  she  grants, 
To  him  and  his  heirs,  and  his  uncles  and  aunts ; " 
Whatever  he  wants,  he  has  only  to  ask  it, 
And  all  other  suitors  are  "left  in  the  basket," 

Till  Dudley  and  llawleigh 

Began  to  look  squally. 
While  even  grave  Cecil,  the  famous  Lord  Burleigh, 
Himself,  "shook  his  head,"  and  grew  snappish  and  surly. 

All  this  was  fine  sport. 

As  our  authors  report. 
To  dame  Alice,  become  a  great  Lady  at  Court, 
Where  none  than  her  Ladyship's  husband  look'd  bigger. 
Who  "  led  the  brawls  "  *  still  with  the  same  grace  and  vigour. 
Though  losing  a  little  in  slimness  and  figure ; 
For  eating  and  drinking  all  day  of  the  best 

Of  viands  well  dressed. 

With  '<  Bui'gess's  Zest," 
Is  apt,  by  degrees,  to  enlarge  a  man's  vest ; 
And,  what  in  Sir  Christopher  went  to  increase  it,  he 
'd  always  been  rather  inclined  to  obesity; 
— Few  men  in  those  times  were  found  to  grow  thinner 
With  beefsteaks  for  breakfast  and  pork-pie  for  dinner. 


♦  The  grave  Lord  Keeper  led  the  brawls, 

The  seals  and  maces  danced  before  him. — OkaV- 


311  A    LEGEND    OF   JU.EEDING-HEART   YARD. 

Now  it's  really  a  difficult  problem  to  say 

How  long  matters  might  liave  gone  on  in  this  way, 

If  it  had  not  unluckily  happen'd  one  day 
That  Nick, —  who,  because 
He  'd  the  gout  in  his  claws 

And  his  hoofs  —  (he 's  by  no  means  so  young  as  he  was, 

And  is  subject  of  late  to  a  sort  of  rheumatic  a- 

-ttack  that  partakes  both  of  gout  and  sciatica,)  — 

All  the  night  long  had  twisted  and  grinn'd, 

His  pains  much  increased  by  an  easterly  wind, 

Which  always  compels  him  to  hobble  and  limp, 

Was  strongly  advised  by  his  medical  Imp 

To  lie  by  a  little,  and  give  over  work. 
For  he  'd  lately  been  slaving  away  like  a  Turk, 
On  the  Guinea-coast,  helping  to  open  a  brave  trade 
In  niggers,  with  Hawkins  *  who  founded  the  slave-trade, 
So  he  call'd  for  his  ledger,  the  constant  resource 
Of  your  mercantile  folk,  when  they're  "not  in  full  force;" 
— If  a  cold  or  catarrh  makes  them  husky  and  hoarse, 
Or  a  touch  of  gout  keeps  them  away  from  "  the  Bourse," 
They  look  over  their  books  as  a  matter  of  course. 
Now  scarce  had  Nick  turn'd  over  one  page  or  two. 
Ere  a  prominent  item  attracted  his  view, 
A  Bill !  —  that  had  now  been  some  days  overdue. 
From  one  Alice  Hatton,  nee  Fanshawe  —  a  name 
Which  you  '11  recognise,  reader,  at  once  as  the  same 
With  that  borne  by  Sir  Christopher's  erudite  dame! 
The  signature  —  much  more  pr on onc^e  than  pink, 
Seem'd  written  in  blood  —  but  it  might  be  red  ink  — 
While  the  rest  of  the  deed 
He  proceeded  to  read, 

*  Sir  John  Hawkins  for  "  his  worthye  attempts  and  services,"  and  because 
"  ill  the  same  he  had  dyvers  conflights  with  the  Moryans,  and  slew  and  toko 
dyvers  of  the  same  Moryans,"  received  from  Elizab<»th  an  honourable  augmen- 
tation to  his  coat  armour,  including,  for  his  crest,  ^'-  A  Demi- Moor  sable,  with 
two  manacles  on  each  arm,  or." 


THE    HOUSE- WARMING.  345 

xjikc  ev'ry  "]jill,  bond,  or  acqiaittance"  whose  date  is 
Three  hundred  years  old,  Ban  in  Latin, — '^-  Sciatis 
[Diaboli?)  omnes  ad  quos  hcec  pervenient — " 
—But  courage,  dear  Reader,  I  mean  to  be  lenient, 
And  scorn  to  inflict  on  you  half  the  "Law-reading" 
I  pick'd  up  "umquhile"  in  three  days'  special  pleading, 
Which  cost  me  —  a  theme  I'll  not  pause  to  digress  on  — 
Just  thirty-three  pounds  six-and-eightpence  a  lesson  — 
"As  I'm  stout,  I'll  be  merciful,"  therefore,  and  sparing 
All  these  technicalities,  end  by  declaring 

The  deed  so  correct 

As  to  make  one  suspect, 
(Were  it  possible  any  such  person  could  go  there) 
Old  Nick  had  a  special  attorney  below  there : 
'Twas  so  frahi'd  and  express'd  no  tribunal  could  shake  it, 
And  firm  as  red  wax  and  black  ferret  could  make  it. 

By  the  roll  of  his  eye 

As  Old  Nick  put  it  by. 
It  was  clear  he  had  made  up  his  mind  what  to  do 
In  respect  of  the  course  he  should  have  to  pursue. 
When  his  hoof  would  allow  him  to  put  on  a  shoe ! ! 

Now  although  the  Lord  Keeper  held  under  the  crown,  house 
And  land  in  the  country — he  'd  never  a  Town-house, 

And,  as  we  have  seen. 

His  course  always  had  been, 
When  he  wanted  a  thing,  to  solicit  the  Queen, 
So  now,  in  the  hope  of  a  fresh  acquisition, 
lie  danced  oflf  to  Covirt  with  his  "Humble  Petition," 

"Please  your  Majesty's  Grace, 

I  have  not  a  place, 
I  can  well  put  my  head  in,  to  dine,  sup,  or  sleep ! 
Your  Grace's  Lord  Keeper  has  nowhere  to  keej^. 

So  I  beg  and  intreat. 

At  your  jNIajesty's  feet, 


34G  A    LEGEND    OF    BLEEDING-HEART    YARD. 

That  jour  Grace  will  be  graciously  pleased  for  to  say, 

With  as  little  delay 

As  your  Majesty  may, 
Where  your  Majesty's  Grace's  Lord  Keeper's  to  stay — 
—  And  your  Grace's  Petitioner  ever  will  prayl" 

The  Queen,  when  she  heard 
This  petition  preferr'd, 
Gave  ear  to  Sir  Christopher's  suit  at  a  word ;  — 
"  Odds  Bobs,  my  good  Lord ! "  was  her  gracious  reply, 
I  don't  know,  not  I, 
Any  good  reason  why 
A  Lord  Keeper,  like  you,  should  not  always  be  nigh 
To  advise  —  and  devise  —  and  revise  —  our  supply — 
A  House !  we  're  surprised  that  the  thing  did  not  strike 
Us  before  —  Yes !  —  of  course  !  — Pray,  whose  house  would  you 

Hke ! 
When  I  do  things  of  this  kind,  I  do  them  genteelly : 
A  House  ?  — let  me  Pee !  there 's  the  Bishop  of  Ely ! 
A  capital  mansion,  I  'm  told,  the  proud  knave  is  in, 
Up  there  in  Holborn,  just  opposite  Thavie's  Inn  — 
Where  the  strawberries  grow  so  fine  and  so  big, 
Which  our  Grandmother's  Uncle  tuck'd  in  like  a  pig. 
King  Richard  the  Third,  which  you  all  must  have  read  of — 
The  day, —  don't  you  know?  —  he  cut  Hastings'  head  off — 
And  mark  me,  proud  prelate !  —  I'm  speaking  to  you. 
Bishop  Heaton!  — you  need  not,  my  lord,  look  so  blue  — 
Give  it  up  on  the  instant!     I  don't  mean  to  shock  you, 
Or  else  by  !  —  (The  Bishop  was  shock'd!) — I '11  unfrock 

you ! ! " 

The  Queen  turns  abruptly  her  back  on  the  group, 
The  courtiers  all  bow  as  she  passes,  and  stoop 
To  kiss,  as  ^he  goes,  the  hind  flounce  of  her  hoop, 
And  Sir  Christopher,  having  thus  danced  to  some  tune, 
Skips  away  with  much  glee  in  his  best  rigadoon! 


THE    UOUSE-WARMING.  347 

While  poor  Bishop  Heaton, 

Who  found  himself  beaten, 
In  serious  alarm  at  the  Queen's  contumelious 
And  menacing  tone,  at  once  gave  him  up  Ely  House, 
With  every  appurtenance  thereto  belonging, 
Including  the  strawberry  beds  'twas  so  strong  in ; 
Politely  he  bow'd  to  the  gratified  minion, 
And  said,  "  There  can  be,  my  good  lord,  in  opinion 

No  difference  betwixt  yours 

And  mine  as  to  fixtures, 

And  tables,  and  chairs  — 

We  need  no  survey'rs  — 
Take  them  just  as  you  find  them,  without  reservation, 
Grates,  coppers,  and  all,  at  your  own  valuation ! " 


Well !  the  object  is  gain'd  ! 

A  good  town-house  obtain'd, 
The  next  thing  to  be  thought  of,  is  now 
The  "house-warming"  party — the  when  and  the  how-^ 

The  Court  ladies  call, 

One  and  all,  great  and  small. 
For  an  elegant  *'  Spread,"  and  more  elegant  Ball, 
So,  Sir  Christopher,  vain  as  we  know  of  his  capering, 
No  sooner  had  finish'd  his  painting  and  papering, 

Than  he  sat  down  and  wrote 

A  nice  little  pink  note 
To  every  great  Lord,  whom  ho  knew,  and  his  spouse, 
*'  From  our  poor  place  on  Holborn-hill  (late  Ely  Houj-e). 
Lord  Keeper,  and  Dame  Alice  Hatton,  request 
Lord  So-and-so's  (name,  style,  or  title  exprest) 

Good  company  on 

The  next  eve  of  St.  John, 
Viz, :  Friday  week,  June  24th,  as  their  guest. 

To  partake  of  pot-luck. 

And  tn8:te  a  fat  buck. 


348  A    LEGEND    OF    BLEEDING-HEART    YARD. 

N.B.  Venison  on  table  exactly  at  3, 
Quadrilles  in  the  afcernoon. 

R.  S.  V.  P. 

For  my  good  Lord  of  So-and-so,  these,  and  his  wife ; 

Kide  !  ride  !  for  thy  life !  for  thy  life  !  for  thy  life  !  " 

Thus,  courtiers  were  wont  to  indorse  their  expresses 

In  Harry  the  Vlllth's  time,  and  also  Queen  Bess's. 

The  Dame,  for  her  part,  too,  took  order  that  cards 

Should  be  sent  to  the  mess-rooms  of  all  the  Hussards, 

The  Household  troops,  Train-bands,  and  horse  and  foe  t  Guards. 

"Well,  the  day  for  the  rout 

At  length  came  about, 
And  the  bells  of  St.  Andrew's  rang  merrily  out. 
As  horse-litter,  coach,  and  pad-nag,  with  its  pillion, 
(The  mode  of  conveyance  then  used  by  "  the  Million,") 

All  gallant  and  grand. 

Defiled  from  the  Strand, 
Some  through  Chancery  (then  an  unpaved  and  much  wetter) 

Lane, 
Others  through  Shoe  (which  was  not  a  whit  better)  Lane ; 
Others  through  Fewtar's  (corrupted  to  Fetter)  Lane ; 
Some  from  Cheapside,  and  St.  Mary-le-Bow, 
From  Bishopsgate  Street,  Dowgate  Hill,*  and  Budge  Row. 

They  come  and  they  go. 

Squire  and  Dame,  Belle  and  Beaii, 
Down  Snore  Hill  (which  we  have  since  whitewasli'd  to  Snow), 
All  eager  to  see  the  magnificent  show. 
And  sport  what  some  call  "  a  fantastical  toe  ;" 

In  silk  and  in  satin, 

To  batten  and  fatten 
Upon  the  good  cheer  of  Sir  Christopher  Hatton. 

A  flourish,  trumpets ! —  sound  again !  — 

He  comes,  Bold  Drake,  the  chief  who  made  a 

*  Sir  Francis  Drake's  house,  "the  Arbour,"  stood  here. 


THE    HOUSE-WARMING.  349 

e 

Fine  hash  of  all  the  pow'rs  of  Spain, 

And  so  serv'd  out  their  Grand  Armada ; 
With  him  come  Frobisher  and  Hawkins, 

In  yellow  ruflfs,  rosettes,  and  stockings. 

Room  for  my  Lord  !  — proud  Leicester's  Earl 

Retires  awhile  from  courtly  cares, 
Who  took  his  wife,  poor  hapless  girl ! 

And  pitch'd  her  neck  and  heels  down  stairs, 
Proving,  in  hopes  to  wed  a  richer. 

If  not  her  <' friend,"  at  least  her  "pitcher.'* 

A  flourish,  trumpets !  strike  the  drums ! 

Will  Shakspeare,  never  of  his  pen  sick. 
Is  here  -:—  next  Doctor  Masters  comes, 

Renown'd  afar  for  curing  men  sick, — 
Queen's  Sergeant  Barham  ^'  with  his  buns 

And  tipstave  coif,  and  wig  forensic  ; 
(He  lost,  unless  Sir  Richard  lies,  his 

Life  at  the  famous  "Black  Assizes." 

Room  !  Room!  for  great  Cecil! — place,  place,  for  his  dame!  — 
Room!  Room!  for  Southampton  —  for  Sidney,  whose  name 
As  a  Preux  Chevalier,  in  the  records  of  Fame, 
"Beats  Bauaghcr" — e'en  now  his  praises,  we  all  sing  'em. 
Knight,  poet.  Gentleman !  —  Room !  for  Sage  Walsingham  1 

Room  !  for  Lord  Hunsdon !  —  Sussex  1  —  for  Rawleigh  !  — • 
For  IxGOLDSBY ! !     Oh  !  it 's  enough  to  appal  ye ! 

Dear  me !  how  they  call ! 

How  they  squall !  how  they  bawl ! 
This  dame  has  lost  her  shoe  —  that  one  her  shawl  — 
My  Lord 's  got  a  tumble  —  my  lady  a  fall !  — 

Now  a  Hall !  a  ILxll ! 

A  Brawl!  a  Brawl! 

•  Called  by  Sir  BicharJ  Baker  "  The  famous  Lawyer  '  —  See  his  C7irontcu: 
30 


350  A    LEGEND    OF    BLEEDING-HOUSE    YARD. 

Here 's  my  Lord  Keeper  Hatton,  so  stately  and  tall ! 
Has  led  out  Lady  Hunsdon  to  open  the  Ball  I 

Fiddlers  !  Fiddlers !  fiddle  away  ! 
Resin  your  catgut !  fiddle  and  play  ! 

A  roundelay  ! 

Fiddle  away! 
Obey  !  obey !  — hear  what  they  all  say ! 
Hip  !  —  Music  !  —  Nosey !  !  — play  up  there !  — play ! 
Never  was  anything  half  so  gay 
As  Sir  Christopher  Hatton's  grand  holiday ! 

The  clock  strikes  twelve !  —  who  cares  for  the  clock  ? 
Who  cares  for Hark !  —  What  a  loud  Single-knock  I 

Dear  me !  dear  me ! 

Who  can  it  be  ?  — 
Why,  who  can  be  coming  at  this  time  of  night, 
With  a  knock  like  thai  honest  folk  to  affright ! — • 

*'AflFright?" — yes,  affright!  —  there  are  many  who  mock 

At  feai*,  and  in  danger  stand  firm  as  a  rock, 

Whom  the  roar  of  the  battle-field  never  could  shock, 

Yet  quail  at  the  sound  of  a  vile  "Single  knock!  " 

Hark !  —  what  can  the  Porter  be  thinking  of?  —  What !  — 

If  the  booby  has  not  let  him  in,  I  '11  be  shot !  — 

Dear  me !  how  hot 

The  room 's  all  at  once  got !  — 

And  what  rings  through  the  roof?  — 

It 's  the  sound  of  a  hoof! 
It's  some  donkey  a-coming  upstairs  at  full  trot! 
Stay!  — r-the  folding -doors  open  !  the  leaves  are  thrown  back, 
And  in  dances  a  tall  Figurant  —  all  in  black  ! ! 

Gracious  me,  what  an  entrechat !     Oh,  what  a  bound ! 
Tb-^n  with  what  an  a-plomb  he  comes  down  to  the  ground! 


THE    HOUSE-WARMING.  351 

Look  there !  look  there ! 

Now  he's  up  in  the  air! 
Now  he's  here! — now  he's  there  —  now  he's  no  one  knows 

where !  — 
See !  see !  —  he 's  kick'd  over  a  table  and  chair ! 
There  they  go !  —  all  the  strawberries,  flowers,  and  sweet  herbs, 

Turn'd  o'er  and  o'er, 

Down  on  the  floor, 
Ev'ry  caper  he  cuts  oversets  or  disturbs 
All  the  "Keen's  Seedlings,"  and  "Wilmot's  Superbs!" 

There 's  a  pirouette  !  —  we  're 

All  a  great  deal  too  near ! 
A  ring !  —  give  him  room  or  he  '11  "  shin  "  you  —  stand  clear ! 
There's  a  spring  again !  —  oh !  'tis  quite  frightful !  —  oh  dear) 
His  toe 's  broke  the  top  of  the  glass  chandelier ! ! 

Now  he's  down  again  —  look  at  the  congees  and  bows 
And  salaams  which  he  makes  to  the  Dame  of  the  House, 
Lady  Alice,  the  noble  Lord  Treasurer's  spouse ! 

Come,  now  we  shall  view 

A  grand  pas  de  deux 
Perform'd  in  the  very  first  style  by  these  two 
—  But  no !  —  she  recoils  —  she  could  scarce  look  more  pale  if 
Instead  of  a  Beau's  'twas  the  bow  of  a  Bailiff" !  — 
He  holds  out  his  hand  —  she  declines  it,  and  draws 
Back  her  own  —  see !  —  he  grasps  it  with  horrid  black  claws, 
Like  the  short,  sharp,  strong  nails  of  a  Polar  Bear's  paws ! ! 

Then  she  "  scream'd  such  a  scream !  " 

Such  another,  I  deem, 
As,  long  after.  Miss  Mary  Brown  *  scream'd  in  her  dream. 
Well  she  might!  for  'twas  shrewdly  remark'd  by  her  Page, 
A  sharp  little  boy  about  twelve  years  of  age, 

*  Vide  the  celebrated  ballad  of  "Giles  Scroggins."  —  Ca<nac7t's  ed.,1  Dials^ 
Lorvi.  18-11 


352  A    LEGEND    OF    BLEEDING-HEART    YARD. 

Who  was  standing  close  by 

When  she  utter' d  her  cry, 
That  the  whole  of  her  arm  shrivell'd  up,  and  gr«iv  dry. 
While  the  fingers  and  thumb  of  the  hand  he  had  got 
In  his  clutches  became  on  the  instant  red  hot  ! ! 

Now  he  whirls  and  he  twirls  * 

Through  the  girls  in  their  curls, 
And  their  rouge,  and  their  feathers,  and  diamonds,  and  peai'ls ; 

Now  high, —  now  low, — 

Now  fast,  and  now  slow. 
In  terrible  circumgyration  they  go ; 
The  flame-colour'd  Belle  and  her  coflFee-faced  Beau. 

Up  they  go  once !  and  up  they  go  twice !  — 
Round  the  hall! — round  the  hall!  —  and  now  up  they  go  thrice! 
Now  one  gi"and  pirouelle,  the  performance  to  crown ! 
Now  again  they  go  up  ! !  — and  they  never  come  down  !  J ! 

*  -X-  Tfr  *  * 

The  thunder  roars! 

And  the  rain  it  pours ! 
And  the  lightning  comes  in  through  the  windows  and  doors ! 

Then  more  calling,  and  bawling, 

And  squalling,  and  falling. 
Oh!  what  a  fearful  "stramash"  they  are  all  in! 

Out  they  all  sally. 

The  whole  corps  de  ballet  — 
Some  dash  down  Holborn-hill  into  the  valley, 
Where  stagnates  Fleet  Ditch  at  the  end  of  Harp  Alley, 
Some  t'  other  way,  with  a  speed  quite  amazing. 
Nor  pause  to  take  breath  till  they  get  beyond  Gray's  Inn. 
In  every  sense  of  the  word,  such  a  rout  of  it, 
Never  was  made  in  London  or  out  of  it! 

When  they  came  the  next  day  to  examine  the  scene. 
There  was  scarcely  a  vestige  of  all  that  had  been; 
The  beautiful  tapestry,  blue,  red,  and  green, 


THE    HOUSE-WARMING.  353 

Was  all  blacken'd  and  scorch'd,  and  look'd  dirty  and  mean. 
All  the  crockery  broken,  dish,  plate,  and  tureen ! 
While  those  who  look'd  up  could  perceive  in  the  roof, 
One  very  large  hole  in  the  shape  of  a  hoof' 

Of  poor  Lady  Hatton,  it's  needless  to  say, 

No  traces  have  ever  been  found  to  this  day, 

Or  the  terrible  dancer  who  whisk'd  her  away ; 

I>ut  out  in  the  court-yard  —  and  just  in  that  part 

Where  the  pump  stands  —  lay  bleeding  a  large  Human  Heabt! 

And  sundry  large  stains 

Of  blood  and  of  brains, 
Which  had  not  been  wash'd  oif  notwithstanding  the  rains, 
Appear'd  on  the  wood,  and  the  handle  and  chains, 
As  if  somebody's  head  with  a  very  hard  thump, 
Had  been  recently  knock'd  on  the  top  of  the  pump. 
That  pump  is  no  more !  —  that  of  which  you  've  just  read, — 
But  they  've  put  a  new  iron  one  up  in  its  stead, 

And  still,  it  is  said. 

At  that  '-small  hour"  so  dread, 
When  all  sober  people  are  cozy  in  bed, 
There  may  sometimes  be  seen  on  a  moonshiny  night, 
Standing  close  by  the  new  pump,  a  Lady  in  White, 
Who  keeps  pumping  away  with,  'twould  seem,  all  her  might, 
Though  never  a  drop  comes  her  pains  to  requite ! 
And  hence  many  passengers  now  are  debarr'd 
From  proceeding  at  nightfall  through  Bleeding-Heart  Yard ! 


Moral. 

Fair  Ladies  attend ! 

And  if  you've  a  "friend 
At  Court,"  don't  attempt  to  bamboozle  or  trick  her! 
—  Don't  meddle  with  negus,  or  any  mix'd   iquor!  — 
Don't  dabble  in  '*  Magic ! "  my  story  has  shown, 
How  wrong  'tis  to  use  any  charms  but  your  own  ' 

r.o* 


354  A    LEGExVD    OF    BLEEDING  HEART    YARD. 

Young  Gentlemen,  too.  may,  I  think,  take  a  hint, 

Of  the  same  kind,  from  what  I  've  here  ventured  to  print. 

All  Conjuring 's  bad !  they  may  get  in  a  scrape, 

Before  they  're  aware,  and  whatever  its  shape, 

They  may  find  it  no  easy  affair  to  escape. 

It 's  not  everybody  that  comes  off  so  well 

From  leger-de-main  tricks  as  Mr.  Brunei. 

Don't  dance  with  a  Stranger  who  looks  like  a  Guy, 
And  when  dancing  don't  cut  your  capers  too  high ! 

Depend  on 't  the  fault 's  in 

Your  method  of  waltzing, 
If  ever  you  kick  out  the  candles  —  don't  try ! 

At  a  ball  or  a  play, 

Or  any  soirie. 
When  a, petit  souper  constitutes  the  ^^Apris," 
If  strawb'ries  and  cream  with  Champagne  form  a  part, 
Take  care  of  your  Head  —  and  take  care  of  your  Heart 

If  you  want  a  new  house 

For  yourself  and  your  spouse, 
Buy,  or  build  one, —  and  honestly  pay,  every  brick,  for  it 
Don't  be  so  green  as  to  go  to  old  Nick  for  it  — 
—  Go  to  George  Robins  —  he'll  find  you  "a  perch," 
(Duke  Domum  's  his  word,)  without  robbing  the  Church ! 

The  last  piece  of  advice  which  I  'd  have  you  regard 

Is,  ♦'  don't  go  of  a  night  into  Bleeding-Heart  Yard," 

It's  a  dark,  little,  dirty,  black,  ill-looking  square. 

With  queer  people  about,  and  unless  you  take  care. 

You  may  find  when  your  pocket 's  clean'd  out  and  left  bare, 

That  the  iron  one  is  not  the  only  "Pump"  there! 


THE  FORLORN  ONE. 

Ah  why  those  piteous  sounds  of  woo, 
Lone  wanderer  of  the  di-eai-y  night ; 

rhy  gushing  tears  in  torrents  flow, 
Thy  bosom  pants  in  wild  affright  I 

And  thou,  within  whose  iron  breast 
Those  frowns  austere  too  truly  tell, 

Mild  pity,  heaven-descended  guest, 
Hath  never,  never  deign' d  to  dwell. 

'  That  rude,  uncivil  touch  forego," 
Stern  despot  of  a  fleeting  hour ! 

Nor  "  make  the  angels  weep  "  to  know 
The  fond  "fantastic  tricks"  of  powe:  I 

inow'st  thou  not  "mercy  is  not  strain'd, 
But  droppeth  as  the  gentle  dew," 

And  while  it  blesseth  him  who  gain'd, 
It  blesseth  him  who  gave  it,  too ! 


Say,  what  art  thou  ?  and  wliat  is  he. 

Pale  victim  of  despair  and  pain, 
Whose  streaming  eyes  and  bended  knee 

Sue  to  thee  thus  —  and  sue  in  vain? 

Cold,  callous  man  !  —  he  scorns  to  yield, 

Or  aught  relax  his  felon  gripe. 
But  answers,  "  I  'm  Inspector  Field ! 

And  this  here  warment  's  prigg'd  yom-  wipe. 


35fc 


JERRY  JARVIS'S  WIG. 

A   LEGEND   OF   THE   WEALD   OF   KENr. 

"  The  wig's  the  thing!  the  wig!  the  wig!" — Old  Song. 

'' Joe,"  said  old  Jarvis,  looking  out  of  his  window  — 
it  was  his  ground-floor  back, — "Joe,  you  seem  to  be  very 
hot,  Joe, —  and  you  have  got  no  wig !" 

"Yes,  sir,''  quoth  Joseph,  pausing  and  resting  upon 
his  spade,  "it's  as  hot  a  day  as  ever  I  see;  but  the  celery 
must  be  got  in,  or  there'll  be  no  autumn  crop,  and — " 

"Well,  but  Joe,  the  sun's  so  hot,  and  it  shines  so  on 
your  bald  head,  it  makes  one  wink  to  look  at  it.  You'll 
have  a  coujy-de'soleilj  Joe." 

"  A  ivhaf,  sir  V 

"No  matter  J  it's  very  hot  working;  and  if  you'll  step 
in  doors,  I'll  give  you — " 

"  Thank  ye,  your  honour,  a  drop  of  beer  will  be  very 
acceptable." 

Joe's  countenance  brightened  amazingly. 

"Joe,  I'll  give  you  —  my  old  wig!" 

The  countenance  of  Joseph  fell,  his  grey  eye  had 
glistened,  as  a  blest  vision  of  double  X  flitted  athwart 
his  fancy;  its  glance  faded  again  into  the  old,  filmy, 
gooseberry-coloured  hue,  as  he  growled,  in  a  minor  key, 
"A  wig,  sir!" 

"  Yes,  Joe,  a  wig  !  The  man  who  does  not  study  the 
comfort  of  his  dependants  is  an  unfeeling  scoundrel. 
You  shall  have  ray  old,  worn-out  wig." 

356 


JERRY   JARVIS'S    WIG.  357 

*'  I  hope,  sir,  you  '11  give  me  a  drop  o'  beer  to  drink 
your  honour's  health  in, —  it  is  very  hot,  and — " 

^'  Come  in,  Joe,  and  Mrs.  Witherspoon  shall  give  it 
you.'' 

"  Heaven  bless  your  honour  !"  said  honest  Joe,  striking 
his  spade  perpendicularly  into  the  earth,  and  w^vlking 
with  more  than  usual  alacrity  towards  the  close-cut, 
quickset  hedge  which  separated  Mr.  Jarvis's  garden  from 
the  high  road. 

From  the  quickset  hedge  aforesaid  he  now  raised,  with 
all  due  delicacy,  a  well-worn  and  somewhat  dilapidated 
jacket,  of  a  stuff  by  drapers  most  pseudonymously 
termed  "  everlasting."  Alack  !  alack  !  what  is  there  to 
which  t€mj)us  edax  reruni  will  accord  that  epithet?  — 
In  its  high  and  palmy  days  it  had  been  all  of  a  piece  j 
but  as  its  master's  eye  now  fell  upon  it,  the  expression  of 
his  countenance  seemed  to  say  with  Octavian, 

"  Those  days  are  gone,  Floranthe !" 

It  was  now,  from  frequent  patching,  a  coat  not  unlike 
that  of  the  patriarch,  one  of  many  colours. 

Joseph  Washford  inserted  his  wrists  into  ^Xe  cor- 
responding orifices  of  the  tattered  garment,  and  with  a 
steadiness  of  circumgyration,  to  be  acquired  only  by  long 
and  sufficient  practice,  swung  it  horizontally  over  his 
ears,  and  settled  himself  into  it.      ' 

"Confound  your  old  jacket!"  cried  a  voice  from  the 
other  side  the  hedge,  "keep  it  down,  you  rascal!  don't 
you  see  ray  horse  is  frightened  at  it?" 

"Sensible  beast!"  apostrophised  Joseph,  "I've  been 
frightened  at  i*  myself  every  day  for  the  last  two  years !" 


358  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    WEALD    OF    KENT. 

The  gardener  cast  a  rueful  glance  at  its  sleeve,  and 
pursued  his  way  to  the  door  of  the  back  kitchen. 

''Joe,"  said  Mrs^  Witherspoon,  a  fat,  comely  datne, 
of  about  fivc-and-forty,  "Joe,  your  master  is  but  too 
good  to  you ;  he  is  always  kind  and  considerate.  Joe, 
he  has  desired  me  to  give  you  his  old  wig.'' 

"  And  the  beer,  Ma'am  Witherspoon  ? ''  said  Wash- 
tord,  taking  the  proffered  caxon,  and  looking  at  it  with 
an  expression  somewhat  short  of  rapture; — "and  the 
beer,  ma'am  ?" 

"'The  beer,  you  guzzling  wretch!  —  what  beer? 
Master  said  nothing  about  no  beer.  You  ungrateful 
fellow,  has  not  he  given  you  a  wig?" 

"Why,  yes.  Madam  Witherspoon;  but  then,  you  see, 
his  honour  said  it  was  very  hot,  and  I'm  very  dry, 
and—" 

"Go  to  the  pump,  sot!"  said  Mrs.  Witherspoon,  as 
she  slammed  the  back-door  in  the  face  of  the  petitioner. 

Mrs.  Witherspoon  was  "of  the  Lady  Huntingdon  per- 
suasion," and  Honorary  Assistant  Secretary  to  the  Apple- 
dore  branch  of  the  "  Ladies'  Grand  Junction  Water- 
working  Temperance  Society." 

Joe  remained  for  a  few  moments  lost  in  mental  ab- 
straction;  he  looked  at  the  door,  he  looked  at  the  wig; 
ijis  first  thought  was  to  throw  it  into  the  pig-stye, —  his 
corruption  rose,  but  he  resisted  the  impulse ;  he  got  the 
better  of  Satan  ;  the  half-formed  imprecation  died  before 
it  reached  his  lips.  He  looked  disdainfully  at  the  wig; 
it  had  once  been  a  comely  jasey,  enough,  of  the  colour 
of  over-baked  ginger-bread,  one  of  the  description  com- 
monly known  during  the  latter  half  of  the  last  century 


JKRRY    JAIIVIS'S    WIG.  359 

by  the  name  of  a  ^' brown  George."  The  species,  it  is 
to  be  feared,  is  now  extinct,  but  u  few,  a  very  few  of  the 
same  dei^cription  might,  till  very  lately,  be  occasionally 
seen, —  rari  nantes  in  gurgite  vasto, —  the  glorious  relics 
of  a  by-gone  day,  crowning  the  cerehellum  of  some  vene- 
rated and  venerable  provost,  or  judge  of  assize ;  but  Mr, 
Jarvis's  wig  had  one  peculiarity;  unlike  most  of  its  fel» 
lows,  it  had  a  tail  I  —  ''cribbed  and  confined,"  indeed^ 
by  a  shabby  piece  of  faded  shalloon. 

Washford  looked  at  it  again;  he  shook  his  bald  head; 
the  wig  had  certainly  seen  its  best  days;  still  it  had 
about  it  somewhat  of  an  air  of  faded  gentility, —  it  was 
"like  ancient  Rome,  majestic  in  decay," — and  as  the 
small  ale  was  not  to  be  forthcoming,  why  —  after  all,  an 
old  wig  was  better  than  nothing  ! 

Mr.  Jeremiah  Jarvis,  of  Appledore,  in  the  \yeald  ot 
Kent,  was  a  gentleman  by  act  of  parliament;  one  of 
that  class  of  gentlemen,  who,  disdaining  the  hourgeoh, 
sounding  name  of  "  attorney-at-law,''  are,  by  a  legal  fic- 
tion, denominated  solicitors.  I  say  by  a  legal  fiction,  for 
surely  the  general  tenor  of  the  intimation  received  by 
such  as  enjoy  the  advantage  of  their  correspondence,  has 
little  in  common  with  the  idea  usually  attached  to  the 
term  "solicitation."  "If  you  don't  pay  my  bill  and 
costs,  I'll  send  you  to  jail,"  is  a  very  energetic  entreaty. 
There  are,  it  is  true,  etymologists  who  derive  their  style 
and  title  from  the  Latin  infinitive  ^^  soUcitaire,"  to 
"make  anxious," — in  all  probability  they  are  right. 

If  this  be  the  true  etymology  of  his  title,  as  it  was  the 
main  end  of  his  calling,  then  was  Jeremiah  Jarvis  a 
worthy  exemplar  of  the  genus  to  wliich    he   belonged 


iQO  A  LEGEND  OF  THE  WEALD  OF  KENT. 

Few  persons  in  his  time  had  created  greater  solicitude 
among  his  Majesty's  lieges  within  the  "  Weald/'  He 
was  rich,  (;f  course.  The  best  house  in  the  country- 
town  is  always  the  lawyer's,  and  it  generally  boasts  a 
green  door,  stone  steps,  and  a  brass  knocker.  In  neither 
of  these  appendages  to  opulence  was  Jeremiah  deficient  • 
but  then  he  was  so  veri/  rich ;  his  reputed  wealth,  indeed 
passed  all  the  common  modes  of  accounting  for  its  in- 
crease. True,  he  was  so  universal  a  favourite  that  every 
man  whose  will  he  made  was  sure  to  leave  him  a  legacy; 
that  he  was  a  sort  of  general  assignee  to  all  the  bank- 
ruptcies within  twenty  miles  of  Appledore ;  was  clerk  to 
half  the  "trusts;"  and  treasurer  to  most  of  the  "rates," 
"funds,"  and  "subscriptions,"  in  that  part  of  the  coun- 
try; that  he  was  land-agent  to  Lord  Mountrhino,  and 
steward  to  the  rich  Miss  Tabbytale  of  Smerrididdle  Hall ! 
that  he  had  been  guardian  (?)  to  three  young  profligates 
who  all  ran  through  their  property,  which,  somehow  or 
another,  came  at  last  into  his  hands,  "at  an  equitable 
valuation."  Still  his  possessions  were  so  considerable, 
as  not  to  be  altogether  accounted  for,  in  vulgar  esteem, 
even  by  these  and  other  honourable  modes  of  accumula- 
tion ;  nor  were  there  wanting  those  who  conscientiously 
entertained  a  belief  that  a  certain  dark-coloured  gentle- 
man, of  indifferent  character,  known  principally  by  his 
predilection  for  appearing  in  perpetual  mourning,  had 
been  through  life  his  great  friend  and  counsellor,  and  had 
mainly  assisted  in  the  acquirement  of  his  revenues. 
That  "  (jld  Jerry  Jarvis  had  sold  himself  to  the  devil" 
was,  indeed,  a  dogma  which  it  were  heresy  to  doubt  in 


JERRY   JARVIS'S    WIG.  3ol 

Appl'^dore;  —  on    this    head,  at    least,  there  were    few 
schismatics  in  the  parish. 

When  the  worthy  ''  Solicitor  ^'  next  looked  out  of  his 
ground-floor  back,  he  smiled  with  much  complacency  at 
beholding  Joe  Washford  again  hard  at  work  —  in  his 
wig  —  the  little  tail  aforesaid  oscillating  like  a  pendulum 
in  the  breeze.  If  it  be  asked  what  could  induce  a  gen- 
tleman, whose  leading  principle  seems  to  have  been  self- 
appropriation,  to  make  so  magnificent  a  present,  the  an- 
swer is,  that  Mr.  Jarvis  might,  perhaps,  have  thought 
an  occasional  act  of  benevolence  necessary  or  politic ;  he 
is  not  the  only  person,  who,  having  stolen  a  quantity  of 
leather,  has  given  away  a  pair  of  shoes,  pour  V amour  de 
Dieu, —  perhaps  he  had  other  motives. 

Joe,  meanwhile,  worked  away  at  the  celery-bed ;  but 
truth  obliges  us  to  say,  neither  with  the  same  degree  of 
vigour  or  perseverance  as  had  marked  the  earlier  efforts 
of  the  morning.  His  pauses  were  more  frequent;  he 
rested  longer  on  the  handle  of  his  spade;  while  ever  and 
anon  his  eye  would  wander  from  the  trench  beneath  him 
to  an  object  not  unworthy  the  contemplation  of  a  natural 
philosopher.     This  was  an  apple-tree. 

Fairer  fruit  never  tempted  Eve,  or  any  of  her  daugh- 
ters; the  bending  branches  groaned  beneath  their  luxu- 
riant freight,  and  dropping  to  earth,  seemed  to  ask  the 
protecting  aid  of  man,  either  to  support  or  to  relieve 
them.  The  fine,  rich  glow  of  their  sunstreaked  clusters 
derived  additional  loveliness  from  the  level  beams  of  the 
descending  day-star.  An  anchorite's  mouth  had  watered 
at  the  pippins. 

On  the  precise  graft  of  the  espalier  of  Eden,  ^'San- 
31 


562  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    WEALD    OF    KENT. 

choniathoD,  Manetlio,  and  Berosus"  are  undecided;  the 
best-informed  Talmudists,  however,  have,  if  we  are  to 
believe  Dr.  Pinner's  German  Version,  pronounced  it  a 
Ribstone  pippin,  and  a  Ribstone  pippin-tree  it  was  that 
now  attracted  the  optics,  and  discomposed  the  inner  man 
of  the  thirsty,  patient,  but  perspiring  gardener.  The 
heat  was  still  oppressive;  no  beer  had  moistened  his  lip, 
though  its  very  name,  uttered  as  it  was  in  the  ungracious 
tones  of  a  Witherspoou,  had  left  behind  a  longing  as  in- 
tense as  fruitless.  His  thirst  seemed  supernatural,  when 
at  this  moment  his  left  ear  experienced  ^'  a  slight  and 
tickling  sensation,"  such  as  we  are  assured  is  occasionally 
produced  by  an  infinitesimal  dose  in  homoeopathy;  a  still, 
small  voice  —  it  was  as  though  a  daddy-long-legs  were 
whispering  in  his  tympanum  —  a  small  yoice  seemed  to 
say,  "  Joe  !  —  take  an  apple,  Joe  !  V^ 

Honest  Joseph  started  at  the  suggestion ;  the  rich 
crimson  of  his  jolly  nose  deepened  to  a  purple  tint  in 
the  beams  of  the  setting  sun ;  his  very  forehead  was  in- 
carnadine. He  raised  his  hand  to  scratch  his  ear, —  the 
little  tortuous  tail  had  worked  its  way  into  it,— he  pulled 
it  out  by  the  bit  of  shalloon,  and  allayed  the  itching, 
then  cast  his  eye  wistfully  towards  the  mansion  where  his 
master  was  sitting  by  the  open  window.  Joe  pursed  up 
his  parched  lips  into  an  arid  whistle,  and  with  a  desperate 
energy  struck  his  spade  once  more  into  the  celery-bed. 

Alack  !  alack  !  what  a  piece  of  work  is  m;m  I  —  how 
^w\i  his  triumphs!  —  how  frail  his  resolutions  ! 

From  this  fine  and  very  original  moral  reflection  we 
turn  reluctantly  to  record  the  sequel.  The  celery-bed, 
alluded  to  as  the  main  scene  of  Mr.  Washford's  opera- 


JERRY    JARVIS'S    WIG.  363 

rations,  was  drawn  in  a  rectilinear  direction,  nearly  across 
the  whole  breadth  of  the  parallelogram  that  comprised 
the  "  Kitchen  garden."  Its  northern  extremity  abutted 
to  the  hedge  before  mentioned,  its  southern  one  —  woe  is 
me  that  it  should  have  been  so  !  — was  in  fearful  vicinity 
to  the  Jlibstone  pippin-tree.  One  branch,  low  bowed  to 
earth,  seemed  ready  to  discharge  its  precious  burden  into 
the  very  trench.  As  Joseph  stooped  to  insert  the  last, 
plant  with  his  dibble,  an  apple  of  more  than  ordinary 
beauty  bobbed  against  his  knuckles.  —  "He's  taking 
snuff,  Joe,"  whispered  the  same  small  voice;  —  the  tail 
had  twisted  itself  into  its  old  position.  '^  He  is  sneezing  ! 
—  now,  Joe  !  —  now  V  And,  ere  the  agitated  horticul- 
turist could  recover  from  his  surprise  and  alarm,  the  fruit 
was  severed,  and  —  in  his  hand  ! 

"  He  !  he  !  he  !"  shrilly  laughed,  or  seemed  to  laugh 
that  accursed  little  pigtail. — Washford  started  at  once  to 
the  perpendicular;  —  with  an  enfrenzied  grasp  he  tore 
the  jasey  from  his  head,  and,  with  that  in  one  hand,  and 
his  ill-acquired  spoil  in  the  other,  he  rushed  distractedly 
from  the  garden  ! 

*  ^  ^  *  *  ^ 

All  that  night  was  the  humble  couch  of  the  once 
happy  gardener  haunted  with  the  most  fearful  visions. 
He  was  stealing  apples, —  he  was  i^Qbbing  hen-roosts, — 
he  was  altering  the  chalks  upon  the  milk-score, — he  had 
purloined  three  chemises  from  a  hedge,  and  he  awoke  in 
the  very  act  of  cutting  the  throat  of  one  of  Squire  Hodge's 
sheep  !  A  clammy  dew  stood  upon  his  temples, —  the 
cold  perspiration  burst  from  every  pore, —  he  sprang  in 
terror  from  the  bed. 


364  A    LEGEND   OF    THE    WEALD    OF   KENT. 

"Why,  Joe,  what  ails  thee,  man?"  cried  the  usually 
incurious  Mrs.Washford;  "what  be  the  matter  with  thee? 
Thee  hast  done  nothing  but  grunt  and  growl  all  t'  night 
long,  and  now  thee  dost  stare  as  if  thee  saw  summut. 
What  bees  it,  Joe?" 

A  long-drawn  sigh  was  her  husband's  only  answer : 
his  eye  fell  upon  the  bed.  "  How  the  devil  came  that 
here?"  quoth  Joseph,  with  a  sudden  recoil :  "who  put 
that  thing  on  my  pillow  ?" 

"  Why,  I  did,  Joseph.  Th'  ould  nightcap  is  in  the 
wash,  and  thee  didst  toss  and  tumble  so,  and  kick  tte 
clothes  off,  I  thought  thee  mightest  catch  cowld,  so  1 
clapt  t'  wig  atop  o'  thee  head." 

And  there  it  lay, —  the  little  sinister-looking  tail 
impudently  perked  up,  like  an  infernal  gnomon  on  a 
Satanic  dial-plate  —  Larceny  and  Ovicide  shone  in 
every  hair  of  it ! 

"  The  dawn  was  overcast,  the  morning  lower'd 
And  heavily  in  clouds  brought  on  the  day," 

when  Joseph  Washford  once  more  repaired  to  the  scene 
of  his  daily  labours  ;  a  sort  of  unpleasant  consciousness 
flushed  his  countenance,  and  gave  him  an  uneasy  feeling 
as  he  opened  the  garden-gate  :  for  Joe,  generally  speak- 
ing, was  honest  as  the  skin  between  his  brows ;  his 
hand  faltered  as  it  pressed  the  latch.  "  Pooh,  pooh  ! 
'twas  but  an  apple,  after  all !"  said  Joseph.  He  pushed 
open  the  wicket,  and  found  himself  beneath  the  tempting 
tree. 

But  vain  now  were  all  its  fascinations;  like  fairy  gold 
seen  by  the  morning  light,  its  charms  had  faded  into  very 
nothingness.     Worlds,  to  say  nothing  of  apples,  which, 


JERRY   JARVIS'S    WIG.  365 

in  shape,  resemble  them,  would  not  have  bought  him  to 
stretch  forth  an  unhallowed  hand  again.  He  went 
steadily  to  his  work. 

The  day  continued  cloudy ;  huge  drops  of  rain  fell  at 
intervals,  stamping  his  bald  pate  with  spots  as  big  as 
halfpence ;  but  Joseph  worked  on.  As  the  day  advanced, 
showers  foil  thick  and  frequent ;  the  fresh-turned  earth 
was  itsolf  fragrant  as.a  bouquet. — Joseph  worked  on  ;  and 
when  at  last  Jupiter  Pluvius  descended  in  all  his  majesty, 
soaking  the  ground  into  the  consistency  of  a  dingy  pud- 
ding, he  put  on  his  party-coloured  jacket,  and  strode  to- 
wards his  humble  home,  rejoicing  in  his  renewed  inte- 
grity. "  'Twas  but  an  apple,  after  all !  Had  it  been  an 
apple-pie,  indeed  !  " — 

"  An  apple-pie  ! ''  the  thought  was  a  dangerous  one  — 
too  dangerous  to  dwell  on.  But  Joseph's  better  Genius 
was  at  this  time  lord  of  the  ascendant;  —  he  dismissed 
it,  and  passed  on. 

On  arriving  at  his  cottage,  an  air  of  bustle  and  confu- 
sion prevailed  within,  much  at  variance  with  the  peaceful 
serenity  usually  observable  in  its  economy.  Mrs.  Wash- 
ford  was  in  high  dudgeon  ;  her  heels  clattered  on  the 
red-tiled  floor,  and  she  whisked  about  the  house  like  a 
parched  pea  upon  a  drum-head ;  her  voice,  generally 
small  and  low, — ''an  excellent  thing  in  woman, ^' — was 
pitched  at  least  an  octave  above  its  ordinary  level ;  she 
was  talking  fast  and  furious.  Something  had  evidently 
gone  wrong.  The  mystery  was  soon  explained.  The 
■  ^^  cussed  ould  ticoad  o{  a  cat"  had  got  into  the  dairy, 
and  licked  oif  the  cream  from  the  only  pan  their  single 

cow  had  filled  that  morning!     And  there  she  now  lay, 
31* 


ii66  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    WEALD    OF    KENT. 

purring    as    in    scorn.      Tib,   hcM-etofore  the   meekest  of 
mousers,  tlic  honet^tesf,  the  least  "  scaddle"  of  the  feline 
race, —  a  cat  that  one  would  have  sworn  might  have  been 
trusted  with  untold  fish, — yes, — there  was  no  denying  it, 
— proofs  were  too  strong  against  her, — yet  there  she  hiy, 
hardened  in  her  iniquity,  coolly  licking  her  whiskers,  and 
reposing  quietly  upon — what? — Jerry  Jarvis's  old  wig  !  ! 
The  patience  of  a  Stoic  must  have  yielded;  —  it  had 
been  too  much  for  the  temperament  of  the  Man  of  Uz. 
Joseph  Washford  lifted  his  hand  —  that  hand  which  had 
'  never  yet  been  raised  on  Tibby,  save  to  fondle  and  carcv^s 
—  it  now  descended  on  her  devoted  head  in  one  tremen- 
dous 'Mowse."     Never  was  cat  so  astonished, —  so  en- 
raged—  all  the  tiger  portion  of  her  nature  rose  in  her 
soul.      Instead  of  galloping  off,  hissing  and  sputtering, 
with  arched  back,  and  tail  erected,  as  any  ordinary  Gri- 
malkin would  unquestionably  have  done  under  similar 
circumstances,  she  paused  a  moment, — drew  back  on  her 
haunches, — all  her  energies  seemed  concentrated  for  one 
prodigious  spring;  a  demoniac  fire  gleamed  in  her  green 
and  yellow  eyeballs,  as,  bounding  upwards,  she  fixed  her 
talons  firmly  in  each  of  her  assailant's  cheeks!  —  many 
and  many  a  day  after  were  sadly  visible  the  marks  of 
those  envenomed  claws — then,  dashing  over  his  shoulder 
with  an  unearthly  mew,  she  leaped    through   the  open 
casement,  and  —  was  seen  no  more. 

'"'  The  Devil 's  in  the  cat !  "  was  the  apostrophe  of  Mrs. 
Margaret  Washford.  Her  husband  said  nothing,  but 
thrust  the  old  wig  into  his  pocket,  and  went  to  bathe  his 
pcratehes  at  the  pump. 

Day  after  day,  night  after  night,  'twas  all  the  same  — 


JERRY    JARVIS'S    WIG. 


367 


Joe  Washford's  life  became  a  burden  to  him ;  his  natural 
upright  and  honest  mind  struggled  hard  against  the  frailty 
of  human  nature.  He  was  ever  restless  and  uneasy  j 
his  frank,  open,  manly  look,  that  blenched  not  from  the 
gaze  of  the  spectator,  was  no  more  :  a  sly  and  sinister 
expression  had  usurped  the  place  of  it. 

Mr.  Jeremiah  Jarvis  had  little  of  what  the  world  calls 
*'  Taste,"  still  less  of  Science.  Ackerman  would  have 
called  him  a  "Snob,"  and  Buckland  a  "Nincompoop." 
Of  the  Horticultural  Society,  its /efes,  its  fruits,  and  its 
fiddlings,  he  knew  nothing.  Little  recked  he  of  flowers 
—  save  cauliflowers  —  in  these,  indeed,  he  was  a  connois- 
seur :  to  their  cultivation  and  cookery  the  respective 
talents  of  Joe  and  Madame  Witherspoon  had  long  been 
dedicated;  but  as  for  a  bouquet  1  —  Hardham's  87  was 
"  the  only  one  fit  for  a  gentleman's  nose."  And  yet, 
after  all,  Jerry  Jarvis  had  a  good-looking  tulip-bed.  A 
female  friend  of  his  had  married  a  Dutch  merchant; 
Jerry  drew  the  settlements ;  the  lady  paid  him  by  a 
checque  on  "  Child's,"  the  gentleman  by  a  present  of  a 
"  box  of  roots."  Jerry  put  the  latter  in  his  garden  — 
he  had  rather  they  had  been  schalots. 

Not  so  his  neighbour,  Jenkinson ;  he  wan  a  man  of 
'Taste"  and  of  "Science;"  he  was  an  F.R.C.E.B.S., 
which,  as  he  told  the  Vicar,  implied,  "  Fellow  of  the 
Royal  Cathartico-Emetico-Botanical  Society,"  and  his 
autograph  in  Sir  John  Frostyface's  album  stood  next  to 
that  of  the  Emperor  of  all  the  Rupsias.  Neighbour 
Jenkinson  fell  in  love  with  the  pips  and  petals  of  "neigh- 
bour Jarvis's"  tulips.  There  were  one  or  two  among 
thorn   of   sucii   brilliant,  such   surpnssing    beauty,  —  the 


368  A   LEGEND   OF    THE   WEALD    OF    KENT. 

''cups''  so  well  formed, —  the  colours  so  defined.  To 
be  sure,  Mr.  Jeukinson  had  enough  in  his  own  garden ; 
but  then  "  Enough,"  says  the  philosopher,  "  always 
means  a  little  more  than  a  man  has  got." — Alas  !  alas  ! 
Jerry  Jarvis  was  never  known  to  bestow, —  his  neighbour 
dared  not  offer  to  purchase  from  so  wealthy  a  man  ;  and, 
worse  than  all,  Joe,  the  gardener,  was  incorruptible — ay, 
but  the  Wig  ? 

Joseph  Washford  was  working  away  again  in  the  blaze 
of  the  mid-day  sun  :  his  head  looked  like  a  copper  sauce- 
pan fresh  from  the  brazier's. 

''  Why,  where 's  your  wig,  Joseph  ?"  said  the  voice  of 
his  master  from  the  well-known  window;  "what  have 
you  done  with  your  wig  ?  "  The  question  was  embar- 
rassing,—  its  tail  had  tickled  his  ear  till  it  had  made  it 
sore ;  Joseph  had  put  the  wig  in  his  pocket. 

Mr.  Jeremiah  Jarvis  was  indignant;  he  liked  not  that 
his  benefits  should  be  ill  appreciated  by  the  recipient. — 
"  Hark  ye,  Joseph  Washford,"  said  ho,  "  either  wear  my 
wig,  or  let  me  have  it  again  !" 

There  was  no  mistnking  the  meaning  of  his  tones; 
they  were  resonant  of  indignation  and  disgust,  of  mingled 
grief  and  anger,  the  amalgamation  of  sentiment  naturally 
produced  by 

"  Friendship  unreturn'd, 
And  unrequited  love." 

Washford's  heart  smote  him  :  he  felt  all  that  was  im- 
plied in  his  master's  appeal.  "  It's  here,  your  Honour," 
said  he ;  "I  had  only  taken  it  oflF  because  we  have  had 
a  smartish  shower;    but  the  sky  is  brightening  now.' 


JERRY    JARVIS'S    WIG.  369 

The  wig  was  replaced,  and  the  little  tortuous  pigtail  wrig 
gled  itself  into  its  accustomed  position. 

At  this  moment  neighbour  Jeukinson  peeped  over  the 
hedge. 

"Joe  Washford  V  said  neighbour  Jenkinson. 

"Sir,  to  you/^  was  the  reply. 

"  How  beautiful  your  tulips  look  after  the  rain  ! '' 

"  Ah  !  sir,  master  sets  no  great  store  by  them  flowers;'' 
returned  the  gardener. 

"  Indeed  !  Then  perhaps  he  would  have  no  objection 
to  part  with  a  few?'' 

"  Why,  no  !  —  I  don't  think  master  would  like  to  ffive 
them, —  or  anything  else, —  away,  sir;  " — and  Washford 
scratched  his  ear. 

'•  Joe  !!"— said  Mr.  Jenkinson  — ''Joe  !  !" 

The  Sublime,  observes  Longinus,  is  often  embodied  in 
a  monosyllable — "Joe!!!" — Mr.  Jenkinson  said  no 
more ;  but  a  half-crown  shone  from  between  his  upraised 
fingers,  and  its  "poor,  poor  dumb  mouth"  spoke  for  him. 

How  Joseph  Washford's  left  ear  did  itch  I  —  He 
looked  to  the  ground-floor  back — Mr.  Jarvis  had  left  the 
window. 

Mr.  Jenkinson's  ground-plot  boasted,  at  daybreak 
next  morning,  a  splendid  Semper  Augustus,  "  which  was 
not  so  before,"  and  Joseph  Washford  was  led  home, 
much  about  the  same  time,  in  a  most  extraordinary  state 
of  "civilation,"  from  "The  Three  Jolly.  Potboys." 

From  that  hour  he  was  the  Fiend's  ! ! 

-K  *  *  "^ 

^'Facilis  JesccnsvH  Avcrni!"  says  Virgil.  *'  Tt  is  only 
the  first  step  that  is  attended  with  any  difiiculty,"  snys — 


370  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    WEALD    OF    KENT. 

somebody  else, —  when  speaking  of  the  decollafced  mar- 
tyr, St.  Dennis's  walk  with  his  head  under  his  arm. 
"The  First  Step!" — Joseph  Washford  had  taken  that 
step!  —  he  had  taken  two  —  three  —  four  steps;  —  and 
now,  from  a  hesitating,  creeping,  cat-like  mode  of  pro- 
gression, he  had  got  into  a  firmer  tread  —  an  amble  —  a 
positive  "tTot! — He  took  the  family  linen  "to  the  wash  :" 

—  one  of  Madame  Withcrspoon's  best  Holland  chemises 
was  never  seen  after. 

Lost?  —  impossible!  How  cm^/rZ  it  be  Inst?  —  where 
could  it  be  gone  to?  —  who  could  have  got  it?  It  was 
her  best  —  her  uery  best! — she  should  know  it  among  a 
hundred  —  among  a  thousand!  —  it  was  marked  with  a 
great  W  in  the  corner! — Lost? — impossible — She  would 
s«e/" — Alas!  she  never  rZ^VZ  see — the  chemise  —  ahlity 
enipit,  evasit!  —  it  was 

''  Like  the  lost  Pleiad,  seen  on  earth  no  more !" 

— but  Joseph  Washford's  Sunday  shirt  was  seen,  finer, 
and  fairer  than  ever,  the  pride  and  dulce  decus  of  the 
3Ieeting. 

The  Meeting?  —  ay,  the  Meeting.  Joe  Washford 
never  missed  the  Appledore  Independent  Meeting  House, 
whether  the  service  were  in  the  morning  or  afternoon, — 
whether  the  Rev.  Mr.  Slyandry  exhorted  or  made  way 
for  the  Rev.  Mr.  Tearbrain.  Let  who  would  officiate, 
there  was  Joe.    As  I  have  said  before,  he  never  missed  j 

—  but  other  people  missed  —  one  missed  an  umbrella, — 
one  a  pair  of  clogs.  Farmer  Johnson  missed  his  tobacco- 
box, —  Farmer  Jacks.n  his  greatcoat;  —  Miss  Jackson 
missed  her  hymn-book, —  a  diamond  edition,  bound  in 


JERRY    JARVIS'S    WIG.  371 

uiaroon-coloured  velvet,  with  gilt  corners  and  clasps, 
Everything,  in  short,  was  missed  —  but  Joe  Washford; 
there  he  sat,  grave,  sedate,  and  motionless  —  all  save  that 
restless,  troublesome,  fidgety  little  Pigtail  attached  to 
his  wig,  which  nothing  could  keep  quiet,  or  prevent 
from  tickling  and  interfering  with  Miss  Thompson's  curls, 
as  she  sat,  back  to  back  with  Joe,  in  the  adjoining  pew 
After  the  third  Sunday,  Nancy  Thompson  eloped  with 
the  tall  recruiting  sergeant  of  the  Connaught  Rangers. 

The  summer  passed  away, —  autumn  came  and  went, 
—  and  Christmas,  jolly  Christmas,  that  period  of  which 
we  are  accustomed  to  utter  the  mournful  truism,  it 
*' comes  but  once  a-year,"  was  at  hand.  It  was  a  fine 
bracing  morning;  the  sun  was  just  beginning  to  throw 
a  brighter  tint  upon  the  Quaker-coloured  ravine  of  Orle- 
stone-hill,  when  a  medical  gentleman,  returning  to  the 
quiet  little  village  of  Ham  Street,  that  lies  at  its  foot, 
from  a  farmhouse  at  Kingsnorth,  rode  briskly  down  the 
declivity. 

After  several  hours  of  patient  attention,  Mr.  Money- 
penny  had  succeeded  in  introducing  to  the  notice  of 
seven  little  expectant  brothers  and  sisters  a  "remarkably 
fine  child,"  and  was  now  hurrying  home  in  the  sweet 
hope  of  a  comfortable  "snooze"  for  a  couple  of  hours 
before  the  announcement  of  tea  and  muffins  should  arouse 
him  to  fresh  exertion.  The  road  at  this  particular  spot 
had,  even  then,  been  cut  deep  below  the  surface  of  the 
soil,  for  the  purpose  of  diminishing  the  abruptness  of  the 
descent,  and,  as  either  side  of  the  superincumbent  banks' 
was  clothed  with  a  thick  mantle  nf  \:\i)'!'^  -]  copsewood, 
the  passage,  even   by  day,  was  sufficiently  obscure,   the 


372  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    WEALD    OF    KENT. 

level  beams  of  the  rising  or  setting  sun,  as  they  happened 
to  enfilade  the  gorge,  alone  illuminating  its  recesses.  A 
long  stream  of  rosy  light  was  just  beginning  to  make  its 
way  through  the  vista,  and  Mr.  Moneypenny's  nose  had 
scarcely  caught  and  reflected  its  kindred  ray,  when  the 
sturdiest  and  most  active  cob  that  ever  rejoiced  in  the 
appellation  of  a  "  Suffolk  Punch,"  brought  herself  up  in 
mid  career  upon  her  haunches,  and  that  with  a  sudden- 
ness which  had  almost  induced  her  rider  to  describe  that 
beautiful  mathematical  figure,  the  ][)arahola.,  between  her 
ears.  Peggy  —  her  nanie  was  Peggy  —  stood  stock-still, 
snorting  like  a  stranded  grampus,  and  alike  insensible  to 
the  gentle  hints  afforded  her  by  hand  and  heel. 

^'Tch! — tch  !  —  get  along,  Peggy!''  half  exclaimed, 
half  whistled  the  equestrian.  If  ever  steed  said  in  its 
heart,  '-'■  I  '11  be  shot  if  I  do  !"  it  was  Peggy  at  that  mo- 
ment. She  planted  her  forelegs  deep  in  the  sandy  soil, 
raised  her  stump  of  a  tail  to  an  elevation  approaching 
the  horizontal,  protruded  her  nose  like  a  pointer  at  a 
covey,  and  with  expanded  nostril  continued  to  snuffle 
most  egregiously. 

Mr.  Geoffrey  Gambado,  the  illustrious  '' Master  of  the 
Horse  to  the  Doge  of  Venice,"  tells  us,  in  his  far-f;imed 
treatise  on  the  Art  Equestrian,  that  the  most  embarras- 
sing position  in  which  a  rider  can  be  placed  is,  when  he 
wishes  to  go  one  way,  and  his  horse  is  determined  to  go 
another.  There  is,  to  be  sure,  a  tcrtlnm  quid,  which, 
though  it  '^  splits  the  difference,"  scarcely  obviates  the 
inconvenience;  this  is  when  the  parties  compromise  the 
matter  by  not  going  any  way  at  all — to  this  compromise 
Peggy,  and  her  (j^oi-dhcmf)  master  were  now  reduced; 


JERRY   JARYIS'S   WIQ.  378 

they  had  fairly  joined  issue.  ''  Budge  V  quoth  the 
doctor — "Budge  not!''  quoth  the  fiend, —  for  nothing 
jihort  of  a  fiend  could,  of  a  surety,  inspire  Peggy  at  such 
a  time  with  such  unwonted  obstinacy.  —  Mone)?penny 
whipped  and  spurred — Peggy  plunged,  and  reared,  and 
kicked,  and  for  several  minutes  to  a  superficial  observer 
the  termination  of  the  contest  might  have  appeared  un- 
certain ;  but  your  profound  thinker  sees  at  a  glance  that, 
however  the  scales  may  appear  to  vibrate,  when  the  ques- 
tion between  the  sexes  is  one  of  perseverance,  it  is  quite 
a  lost  case  for  the  masculine  gender.  Peggy  beat  the 
doctor  "all  to  sticks/'  and  when  he  was  fairly  tired  of 
goading  and  thumping,  maintained  her  position  as  firmly 
as  ever. 

It  is  of  no  great  use,  and  not  particularly  agreeable, 
to  sit  still,  on  a  cold  frosty  morning  in  January,  upon 
the  outside  of  a  brute  that  will  neither  go  forwards  nor 
backwards — so  Mr.  Moneypenny  got  oif,  and  muttering 
curses  both  "loud"  and  "deep  "  between  his  chattering 
teeth,  "  progressed,"  as  near  as  the  utmost  extremity  of 
the  extended  bridle  would  allow  him,  to  peep  among  the 
weeds  and  brushwood  that  flanked  the  road,  in  order  to 
discover,  if  possible,  what  it  was  that  so  exclusively  at 
tracted  the  instinctive  attention  of  his  Bucephalus. 

His  curiosity  was  not  long  a-t  fault;  the  sunbeam 
glanced  partially  upon  some  object  ruddier  even  than 
itself — it  was  a  scarlet  waistcoat,  the  wearer  of  which, 
overcome  perchance  by  Christmas  conipotation,  seemed 
to  have  selected  for  his  "  thrice  driven  bed  of  down,"  the 
thickest  clump  of  the  tallest  and  most  imposing  nettles, 
32 


374  A    LEGE^D    OF    THE    WEALD    OF    KENT. 

thereon  to  doze  away  the  narcotic  effects  of  superabundant 
juniper. 

This,  at  least,  was  Mr.-  Moneypenny's  belief,  or  he 
would  scarcely  have  uttered,  at  the  highest  pitch  of  his 
contralto,  "  What  are  you  doing  there,  you  drunken 
rascal  ?  frightening  my  horse  !" — We  have  already  hinted, 
if  not  absolutely  asserted,  that  Peggy  was  a  mare ;  but 
this  was  no  time  for  verbal  criticism. — "  Get  up,  I  say, — 
get  up,  and  go  home,  you  scoundrel  !" — But  the  "scoun- 
drel"  and  "drunken  rascal"  answered  not;  he  moved 
not,  nor  could  the  prolonged  shouting  of  the  appellant, 
aided  by  significant  explosions  from  a  double-thonged 
whip,  succeed  in  eliciting  a  reply.  No  motion  indicated 
that  the  recumbent  figure,  whose  outline  alone  was  visi- 
ble, was  a  living  and  a  breathing  man  ! 

The  clear,  shrill  tones  of  a  ploughboy's  whistle  sounded 
at  this  moment  from  the  bottom  of  the  hill,  where  the 
broad  and  green  expanse  of  Romney  Marsh  stretches 
away  from  its  foot  for  many  a  mile,  and  now  gleamed 
through  the  mists  of  morning,  dotted  and  enamelled  with 
its  thousand  flocks.  In  a  few  minutes  his  tiny  figure 
was  seen  "  slouching"  up  the  ascent,  casting  a  most  dis- 
proportionate and  ogre-like  shadow  before  him, 

"Come  here.  Jack,"  quoth  the  doctor, — "come  here, 
boy,  lay  hold  of  this  bridle,  and  mind  that  my  horse 
does  not  run  away." 

Peggy  threw  up  her  head,  and  snorted  disdain  of  the 
insinuation, — she  had  not  the  slightest  intention  of  doing 
any  such  thing. 

Mr.  Moneypenny  meanwhile,  disencumbered  of  his 
restive  nag,  proceeded  by  manual  application  to  arouse 


JERRY   JARYIS'S    WIG.  375 

the  sleeper.  Alas  !  the  Seven  of  Ephesus  might  sooner 
have  been  awakened  from  their  century  of  somnolency. 
His  was  that  "dreamless  sleep  that  knows  no  waking;" 
his  cares  in  this  world  were  over.  Vainly  did  Money- 
penny  practise  his  own  constant  precept,  "  To  be  well 
shaken  V —  there  lay  before  him  the  lifeless  body  of  a 
Murdered  Man  ! 

The  corpse  lay  stretched  upon  its  back,  partially  con- 
cealed, as  we  have  before  said,  by  the  nettles  which  had 
sprung  up  among  the  stumps  of  the  half-grubbed  under- 
wood ;  the  throat  was  fearfully  lacerated,  and  the  dark, 
deep,  arterial  dye  of  the  coagulated  blood  showed  that 
the  carotid  had  been  severed.  There  was  little  to  denote 
the  existence  of  any  struggle  ;  but  as  the  day  brightened, 
the  sandy  soil  of  the  road  exhibited  an  impression  as  of  a 
body  that  had  fallen  on  its  plastic  surface,  and  had  been 
dragged  to  its  present  position,  while  fresh  horse-shoe 
prints  seemed  to  intimate  that  either  the  assassin  or  his 
victim  had  been  mounted.  The  pockets  of  the  deceased 
were  turned  out,  and  empty ;  a  hat  and  heavy-loaded 
whip  lay  at  no  great  distance  from  the  body, 

"But  what  have  we  here?"  quoth  Dr.  Moneypenny  * 
"what  is  it  that  the  poor  fellow  holds  so  tightly  in  his 
hand?" 

That  hand  had  manifestly  clutched  some  article  with 
all  the  spasmodic  energy  of  a  dying  grasp  —  Tt  war  an 
OLD  WIG  !  !  " 


Those   who    aie    fortunate    enough    to    have    seen    a 
Cinque  Port  court-house  may  possibly  divine  what  that 


376  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    WEALD   OF    KENT. 

useful  and  most  necessary  edifice  was  some  eighty  years 
ago.  Many  of  them  seem  to  have  undergone  h'tle  alter- 
ation, and  are,  in  general,  of  a  composite  order  of  archi- 
tecture,  a  fanciful  arrangement  of  brick  and  timber,  with 
what  Johnson  would  have  styled  ''  interstices,  reticulated, 
and  decussated  between  intersections"  of  lath  and 
plaster.  Its  less  euphonious  designation  in  the  "Weald'' 
is  a  "  noggin.''  One  half  the  basement  story  is  usually 
of  the  more  solid  material,  the  other,  open  to  the  street, 
—  from  which  it  is  separated  only  by  a  row  of  dingy 
columns,  supporting  a  portion  of  the  superstructure, —  is 
paved  with  tiles,  and  sometimes  does  duty  as  a  market- 
place, while,  in  its  centre,  flanking  the  board  staircase 
that  leads  to  the  sessions-house  above,  stands  an  ominous- 
looking  machine,  of  heavy  perforated  wood,  clasped  within 
whose  stern  embrace  "  the  rude  forefathers  of  the  hamlet 
sleep"  off  occasionally  the  drowsiness  produced  by  con- 
vivial excess,  in  a  most  undignified  position,  an  inconve- 
nience much  increased  at  times  by  some  mischievous 
urchin,  who,  after  abstracting  the  shoes  of  the  helpless 
detenu,  amuses  himself  by  tickling  the  soles  of  his  feet. 

It  was  in  such  a  place,  or  rather  in  the  Court-room 
above,  that  in  the  year  1761,  a  hale,  robust  man,  some- 
what past  the  middle  age,  with  a  very  bald  pate,  save 
where  a  continued  tuft  of  coarse,  wiry  hair,  stretching 
from  above  each  ear,  swelled  out  into  a  greyish-looking 
bush  upon  the  occiput,  held  up  his  hand  before  a  grave 
and  enlightened  assemblage  of  Dymchurch  jurymen. 
He  stood  arraigned  for  that  offence  mi)st  heinous  in  the 
sight  of  God  and  man,  the  deliberate  and  cold-blooded 
butchery  of  an  unoffending,  unprepared  fellow-creature, 


JERRY   JARVIS'S    WIG.  377 

—homicidium  quod  nidlo  videntc,  nidlo  auscultantej  clam 

The  victim  was  one  llujnpliry  Bourne,  a  reputable 
grazier  of  Ivycburch,  worthy  and  well  to  do,  though, 
perchance,  a  thought  too  apt  to  indulge  on  a  market- 
day,  when  "a  score  of  ewes"  had  brought  in  a  reason- 
able profit.  Some  such  cause  had  detained  him  longer 
than  usual  at  an  Ashford  cattle-show ;  he  had  left  the 
town  late,  and  alone;  early  in  the  following  morning 
his  horse  was  found  standing  at  its  own  stable-door,  the 
saddle  turned  round  beneath  its  belly,  and  much  about 
the  time  that  the  corpse  of  its  unfortunate  master  was 
discovered  some  four  miles  off,  by  our  friend  the  phar- 
macopolist. 

That  poor  Bourne  had  been  robbed  and  murdered,  there 
could  be  no  question. 

Who,  then,  was  the  perpetrator  of  the  atrocious  deed? 
—  The  unwilling  hand  almost  refuses  to  trace  the  name 
of — Joseph  Washford. 

Yet  so  it  was.  Mr.  Jeremiah  Jarvis  was  himself  the 
coroner  for  that  division  of  the  county  of  Kent  known 
by  the  ^pame  of  "The  Lath  of  Scraye.''  He  had  not 
sat  two  minutes  on  the  body  before  he  recognised  his 
quondam  property,  and  started  at  beholding  in  the  grasp 
of  the  victim,  as  torn  in  the  death-struggle  from  the 
murderer's  head,  his  own  old  Wip,  —  his  own  perk} 
little  pigtail,  tied  up  with  a  piece  of  shabby  shalloon, 
now  wriggling  and  quivering,  as  in  salutation  of  its  an- 
cient master.  The  silver  buckles  of  the  murdered  man 
were  found  in  Joe  Washford's  shoes, — broad  pieces  were 

found  in  Joe  Washford's  pockets, — Joe  Washford  had 
82  * 


378  A    LEGEND    OF    THE    WEALD    OF   KENT. 

himself  been  found,  wlien  the  hue-and-cry  was  up,  hid 
in  a  corn-rig  at  no  great  distance  from  the  scene  of  slaugh- 
ter, his  pruning-knife  red  with  the  evidence  of  his  crime 
— ''  the  gray  hairs  yet  stuck  to  the  heft !" 

For  their  humane  administration  of  the  laws,  the 
lieges  of  this  portion  of  the  realm  have  long  been  cele- 
brated. Here  it  was  that  merciful  verdict  was  recorded 
in  tlie  case  of  the  old  lady  accused  of  larceny,  "  We  find 
her  Not  Guilty,  and  hope  she  will  never  do  so  any  more  V 
Here  it  was  that  the  more  experienced  culprit,  when 
called  upon  to  plead  with  the  customary,  though  some- 
what superfluous,  inquiry,  as  to  "  how  he  would  be  tried?" 
substituted  fur  the  usual  reply  "  By  God  and  my  coun- 
try," thai  of  "  By  your  worship  and  a  Dymehurch  Jury." 
Here  it  was  —  but  enough!  —  not  even  a  Dymehurch 
jury  could  resist  such  evidence,  even  though  the  gallows 
(i.  e.  the  expense  of  erecting  one)  stared  them,  as  well 
as  the  criminal,  in  the  face.  The  very  pig-tail  alone  !  — 
ever  at  his  ear!  —  a  clearer  case  of  madenie  Dtaholo 
never  was  made  out.  Had  there  been  a  doubt,  its  very 
conduct  in  the  Court-house  would  have  settled  the  ques- 
tion. The  Ilev.  Joel  Ingoldsby,  umquhile  chaplain  to 
the  llomney  Bench,  has  left  upon  record  that  when  ex- 
hibited in  evidence,  together  with  the  blood-stained  knife, 
its  twistings,  its  caperings,  its  gleeful  evolutions,  quite 
"flabbergasted"  the  jury,  and  threw  all  beholders  into  a 
consternation.  It  was  remarked,  too,  by  many  in  the 
Court,  that  the  Forensic  Wig  of  the  Recorder  himself  was, 
on  that  trying  occasion,  palpably  agitated,  and  that  its 
three  depending,  learned-looking  tails  lost  curl  at  once, 
und  slunk  beneath  the  obscurity  of  the  powdered  collar 


JERRY    JARVIS'S    WIG.  379 

just  as  the  boldest  dog  recoils  from  a  rabid  animal  of  its 
own  species,  however  small  and  insignificant. 

Why  prolong  the  painful  scene?  —  Joe  Washford  was 
tried — Joe  Washford  was  convicted — Joe  Washford  was 
hanged ! ! 

The  fearful  black  gibbet,  on  which  his  body  clanked 
in  its  chains  to  the  midnight  winds,  frowns  no  more  upon 
Orlestone  Hill ;  it  has  sunk  beneath  the  encroaching 
hand  of  civilization;  but  there  it  might  be  seen  late  in 
the  last  century,  an  awful  warning  to  all  bald-pated  gen- 
tlemen how  they  wear,  or  accept,  the  old  wig  of  a  Special 
Attorney, 

Timeo  Danao's  et  dona  ferentes  I 

Such  gifts,  as  we  have  seen,  may  lead  to  a  ^'  Morbid  Delu- 
sion, the  climax  of  which  is  Murder  I" 

The  fate  of  the  Wig  itself  is  somewhat  doubtful ;  no- 
body seems  to  have  recollected,  with  any  degree  of  pre- 
cision, what  became  of  it.  Mr.  Ingoldsby  *'had  heard" 
that,  when  thrown  into  the  fire  by  the  Court-keeper,  after 
whizzing,  and  fizzling,  and  performing  all  sorts  of  super- 
natural antics  and  contortions,  it  at  length  whirled  up  the 
chimney  with  a  bang  that  was  taken  for  the  explosion  of 
one  of  the  Feversham  powder-mills,  twenty  miles  off"; 
while  others  insinuate  that  in  the  "Great  Storm"  which 
took  place  on  the  night  when  Mr.  Jeremiah  Jarvis  went 
to  his  "  long  home," — wherever  that  may  happen  to  be, 
— and  the  whole  of  "The  Marsh"  appeared  as  one  broad 
sheet  of  flame,  something  that  looked  very  like  a  Fiery 
Wig  —  perhaps  a  miniature  Comet  —  it  had  unquestion- 
ably a  tail — was  seen  careering  in  the  blaze, — and  seem 
ing  to  ''  ride  on  the  whirlwind  and  direct  the  storm  " 


UNSOPHISTICATED  WISHFS. 

BY    MISS    JEMIMA    INGOLDSBY.    AGED    FIFTEEN. 

(Communicated  by  her  Cousin  Tom,.) 

Oh  !  how  I  should  like  in  a  Coach  to  ride, 

Like  the  Sheriffs  I  saw  upon  Lord  Mayor's  day, 

With  a  Coachman  and  Httle  Postilion  astride 
On  the  back  of  the  leader,  a  prancing  bay! 

And  tlien  behind  it,  oh !  I  should  glory 

To  see  the  tall  serving-men  standing  upright, 

Like  the  two  who  attend  Mister  Montefiore, 

(Sir  Moses  I  should  say)  for  now  he 's  a  Knight. 

And  then  the  liveries,  I  know  it  is  rude  to 

Find  fault  —  but  I'll  hint  as  he  can't  see  me  blush, 

That  I  'd  not  have  the  things  I  can  only  allude  to 
Either  orange  in  hue  or  constructed  of  plush ; 

But  their  coats  and  their  waistcoats  and  hats  are  delightful, 
Their  charming  silk  stockings  —  I  vow  and  declare 

Our  John's  ginger  gaiters  so  wrinkled  and  frightful, 
I  never  again  shall  be  able  to  bear. 

Oh !  how  I  should  like  to  have  diamonds  and  rubies, 
And  large  plume  of  feathers  and  flowers  in  my  hair! 

My  gracious !  to  think  how  our  Tom  and  those  boobies. 
Jack  Smith  and  his  friend  Mister  Thompson,  would  stare. 

Then  how  I  should  hke  to  drive  to  Guildhall, 

And  to  see  the  nobility  flocking  in  shoals, 
With  their  two-guinea  tickets  to  dance  at  the  ball 

Which  the  Lord  Mayor  gives  for  the  relief  of  the  Pole^ 

(380) 


UNSOPHISTICATED    WISHES.  381 

And  to  look  at  the  gas  so  uncommonly  pretty, 

And  the  stars  and  the  armour  all  just  as  they  were, 

The  day  that  the  Queen  came  in  state  to  the  city 
To  dine  with  the  whole  Corporation  and  Mayor. 

9h !  how  I  should  like  to  see  Jane  and  Letitia, 

Miss  Jones  and  the  two  Misses  Frump  sitting  still. 

While  dear  Ensign  Brown,  of  the  West  Kent  Militia, 
Solicits  my  hand  for  the  "  Supper"  Quadrille. 

With  his  fine  white  teeth  and  his  cheek  like  a  rose, 

And  his  black  cravat  and  his  diamond  pin, 
And  the  nice  little  mustache  under  his  nose, 

And  the  dear  little  tuft  on  the  tip  of  his  chin. 

And  how  I  should  hke  some  fine  morning  to  ride 
In  my  coach,  and  my  white  satin  shoes  and  gown, 

To  St.  James's  Church,  with  a  Beau  by  my  side, 
And  I  shouldn't  much  care  if  his  name  was  Bro?.Ti. 


The  foregoing  pages  complete  the  Seiies  of  Poems, 
&e.,  published  under  the  name  of  Thomas  Ingoldsby; 
of  these,  "TVie  Legend  of  Languedoc,''  ^^The  Bucca- 
neer^ s  Curse,^'  ^^The  House-warming,''  "The  Lay  of  St. 
Romwoldy"  and  "The  Brothers  of  Birchington,"  ap- 
peared in  the  New  Monthly  Magazine,  the  remainder  in 
Bentley's  Miscellany.  , 

The  following  articles,  which  are  added  for  reasons 
stated  elsewhere,  though  prior  in  point  of  date,  are  by 
the  same  author,  and  with  few  exceptions,  of  a  similar 
character  with  his  better  known  effusions.  The  first 
three  are  versions  of  dramas  produced  :  "Hermann,'  at 
the  English  Opera  House ;  "  William  Rufus,"  we  believe, 
at  Drury  Lane ;  and  "Marie  Mignoty"  at  the  Haymarket 
Theatre.  The  concluding  lines  are  those  alluded  to  in 
the  Memoir,  as  having  been  the  last  that  fell  from  Mr. 
Barham's  pen,  and  which  were  written  during  one  of 
those  weary  nights  cf  watchfulness  occasioned  by  his 
disease. 


(882) 


MISCELLANEOUS  POEMS. 


HERMANN;  OR,  THE  BROKEN  SPEAR 

An  Emperor  famous  in  council  and  camp, 
Has  a  son  who  turns  out  a  remarkable  scamp; 

Takes  to  dicing  and  drinking, 

And  d — mning  and  sinking, 
And  carries  off  maids,  wives,  and  widows,  like  winking! 
Since  the  days  of  Arminius,  his  namesake,  than  Hermann 
There  never  was  seen  a  more  profligate  German. 

He  escapes  from  the  City ; 

And  joins  some  banditti, 
Insensible  quite  to  remorse,  fear,  and  pity ; 
Joins  in  all  their  carousals,  and  revels,  and  robberies, 
And  in  kicking  up  all  sorts  of  shindies  and  bobberies. 

Well,  hearing  one  day. 

His  associates  say 
That  a  bridal  procession  was  coming  their  way, 

Inflamed  with  desire,  he 

Breaks  into  a  priory. 
And  kicking  out  every  man  Jack  of  a  friar,  he 
Upsets  in  a  twinkling  the  mass-books  and  hassocks, 
And  dresses  his  rogues  in  the  clergyman's  cassocks. 

The  new-married  folks 

Taken  in  by  this  hoax. 
Mister  Hermann  grows  frisky  and  full  of  his  jokes: 
To  the  serious  chagrin  of  her  late  happy  suitor, 
Catching  hold  of  the  Bride,  he  attempts  to  sahite  her 

;j8a 


384  HERMANN;    OR, 

Now  Heaven  knows  what 
Had  become  of  the  lot, 
It's  Turtle  to  Tripe  they'd  have  all  gone  to  pot — 

If  a  dumb  Lady,  one 
Of  her  friends,  had  not  run 
To  her  aid,  and,  quite  scandalised,  stopp'd  all  his  fun ! 

Just  conceive  what  a  caper 

He  cut,  when  her  taper 
Long  fingers  scrawl'd  this  upon  whitey-brown  paper, 
(At  the  instant  he  seized,  and  before  he  had  kiss'd  her)  — 
' '  Ha'  done.  Mister  Hermann !  for  shame !  it 's  your  sister .' ' 
His  hair  stands  on  end, —  he  desists  from  his  tricks, 
And  remains  in  "  a  pretty  particular  fix." 

As  he  knows  Sir  John  NichoU 

Still  keeps  rods  in  pickle. 
Offences  of  this  kind  severely  to  tickle. 
At  so  near  an  escape  from  his  court  and  its  sentence, 
His  eyes  fill  witli  tears,  and  his  breast  with  repentance ; 

So,  picking  and  stealing, 

And  unrighteous  dealing, 
0*"  all  sorts,  he  cuts,  from  this  laudable  feeling: 

Of  wickedness  weary, 

With  many  a  tear,  he 
Now  takes  a  French  leave  of  the  vile  Condottieri : 
And  the  next  thing  we  hear  of  this  penitent  villain. 
He  is  begging  in  rags  in  the  suburbs  of  Milan. 

Half-starved,  meagre,  and  pale, 

His  energies  fail. 
When  his  sister  comes  in  with  a  pot  of  mild  ale ; 

But,  though  tatter'd  his  jerkins, 

His  heart  is  whole, — workings 
Of  conscience  debar  him  from  "Barclay  and  Perkins." 

"I'll  drink,"  exclaims  he, 

"  Nothing  stronger  than  tea. 
And  that  but  the  worst  and  the  weakest  Bohea, 


THE    BROKEN    SPEAR.  385 

Till  I've  done — from  my  past  scenes  of  folly  a  far  actor  — 
Some  feat  shall  redeem  both  my  wardrobe  and  chai'acter." 
At  signs  of  remorse  so  decided  and  visible, 
Nought  can  equal  the  joy  of  his  fair  sister  Isabel, 

And  the  Dumb  Lady  too, 

Who  runs  off  to  a  Jew, 
And  buys  him  a  coat  of  mail  spick  and  span  new, 
In  the  hope  that  his  prowess  rtnd  deeds  as  a  Knight 
Will  keep  his  late  larcenies  quite  out  of  sight. 
By  the  greatest  good  luck,  his  old  friends  the  banditti 
Choose  this  moment  to  make  an  attack  on  the  city! 

Now  you  all  know  the  way 

Heroes  hack,  hew,  and  slay. 
When  once  they  get  fairly  mix'd  up  in  a  fray : 

Hermann  joins  in  the  melee, 

Pounds  this  to  a  jelly. 
Runs  that  through  the  back,  and  a  third  through  the  belly, 
Till  many  a  broken  bone,  bruised  rib,  and  flat  head. 
Make  his  ci-devant  friends  curse  the  hour  that  he  ratted. 

Amid  so  many  blows. 

Of  course,  you'll  suppose 
He  must  get  a  black  eye,  or,  at  least,  bloody  nose ; 
"  Take  that! "  cried  a  bandit,  and  struck,  while  he  spoke  it. 
His  spear  in  his  breast,  and,  in  pulling  it  out,  broke  it. 

Hermann  fainted  away. 

When,  as  breathless  he  lay, 
A  rascal  claim'd  all  the  renown  of  the  day ; 
A  recreant,  cowardly,  white-liver'd  knight. 
Who  had  skulk'd  in  a  furze-bush  tlie  whole  of  the  fight. 

But  the  Dumb  Lady  soon 

Put  some  gin  in  a  spoon. 
And  half  strangles  poor  Hermann,  who  wakes  from  his  swoon, 
And  exhibits  liis  wound,  when  the  head  of  the  spear 
Fits  its  handle,  and  makes  his  identity  clear. 
The  murder  thus  out,  Hermann 's /^/ec?  and  thanked, 
Whila  his  rascally  rival  gets  toss'd  in  a  blanket : 
83 


.586  HINTS    FOR    AN    HISTORICAL    PLAY. 

And  to  finish  the  phiy  — 

As  reform'd  rakes,  they  say, 
Make  the  best  of  all  husbands  —  the  very  same  day 
Hermann  sends  for  a  priest,  as  he  must  wed  with  some — lady, 
Buys  a  ring  and  a  licence,  and  marries  the  Dumb  Lady. 

Moral. 

Take  warning,  young  people  of  every  degree, 

From  Hermann's  example,  and  don't  live  too  free ! 

If  you  get  in  bad  company,  fly  from  it  soon ! 

If  you  chance  to  get  thrash'd,  take  some  gin  in  a  spoon ; 

And  remember,  since  wedlock's  not  all  sugar-candy. 

If  you  wish  to  'scape  "wigging,"  a  dumb  wife's  the  dandy! 


HINTS  FOR   AN   HISTORICAL   PLAY; 

TO    BE    CALLED 

WILLIAM  RUFUS:    OR,  THE  RED  ROVER. 

Act  1. 

Walter  Tyrrel,  the  son  of  a  Norman  Papa, 

Has,  somehow  or  other,  a  Saxon  Mamma: 

Th  ough  humble,  yet  far  above  mere  vulgar  loons, 

He's  a  sort  of  a  sub  in  the  Rufus  dragoons; 

Has  travell'd,  but  comes  home  abruptly,  the  rather 

That  some  unknown  rascal  has  murder'd  his  father; 

And  scarce  has  he  pick'd  out,  and  stuck  in  his  quiver. 

The  arrow  that  pierced  the  old  gentleman's  liver, 

When  he  finds,  as  misfortunes  come  rarely  alone. 

That  his  sweetheart  has  bolted, — with  whom  is  not  known 

But,  as  murder  will  out,  he  at  last  finds  the  lady 

At  court  with  her  character  grown  rather  shady; 


HINTS    FOR    AN    HISTORICAL    PLAY. 


387 


This  gives  him  the  "  blues,"  and  impairs  the  delight 
He  'd  have  otherwise  felt  when  they  dub  him  a  Knight, 
For  giving  a  runaway  stallion  a  check, 
And  preventing  his  breaking  King  Rufus's  neck. 

Act  2. 

Sir  Walter  has  dress'd  himself  up  like  a  Ghost, 
And  frightens  a  soldier  away  from  his  post ; 
Then,  discarding  his  helmet,  he  pulls  his  cloak  higher, 
Draws  it  over  his  ears  and  pretends  he 's  a  Friar. 
This  gains  him  access  to  his  sweetheart,  Miss  Faucit ; 
But,  the  King  coming  in,  he  hides  up  in  her  closet ; 
Where  oddly  enough,  among  some  of  her  things. 
He  discovers  some  arrows  he 's  sure  are  the  King's, 
Of  the  very  same  pattern  with  that  which  he  found 
Sticking  into  his  father  when  dead  on  the  ground  I 
Forgetting  his  funk,  he  bursts  open  the  door. 
Bounces  into  the  Drawing-room,  stamps  on  the  floor, 
W^ith  an  oath  on  his  tongue,  and  revenge  in  his  eye, 
And  blows  up  King  William  the  Second,  sky-high  ; 
Swears,  storms,  shakes  his  fist,  and  exhibits  such  airs, 
That  his  Majesty  bids  his  men  kick  him  down  stairs. 

Act  3. 

King  Rufus  is  cross  when  he  comes  to  reflect, 

That  as  King,  he's  been  treated  with  gross  disrespect; 

So  he  pens  a  short  note  to  a  holy  physician, 

A  nd  gives  him  a  rather  unholy  commission. 

Viz.,  to  mix  up  some  arsenic  and  ale  in  a  cup, 

Wliich  the  chances  are  Tyrrel  may  find  and  drink  up. 

Sure  enough,  on  the  very  next  morning.  Sir  Walter 

Perceives  in  his  -walks,  this  same  cup  on  the  altar. 

As  he  feels  rather  thirsty,  he 's  just  about  drinking. 

When  ^liss  Faucit,  in  tears,  comes  in  running  like  winking; 

He  pauses  of  course,  and  as  she's  thirsty,  too, 

Says,  very  politely,  "Miss,  I  after  you  1" 


388  MARIE    MIGNOT 

The  young  lady  curtsies,  and  being  so  dry, 
Raises  somehow  her  fair  httle  finger  so  high, 
That  there's  not  a  drop  left  him  to  **  wet  t'other  eye;" 
While  the  dose  is  so  strong,  to  his  grief  and  surprise, 
She  merely  says,  "  Thankee,  Sir  Walter,"  and  dies. 
At  that  moment  the  King,  who  is  riding  to  cover, 
Pops  in  en  passant  on  the  desperate  lover. 
Who  has  vow'd  not  five  minutes  before,  to  transfix  him 
— So  he  does, — he  just  pulls  out  his  arrow  and  sticks  him. 
From  the  strength  of  his  arm,  and  the  force  of  his  blows, 
The  Ked-bearded  Rover  falls  flat  on  his  nose ; 
And  Sir  Walter,  thus  having  concluded  his  quarrel, 
Walks  down  to  the  foot-lights,  and  draws  this  fine  moral : 
"  Ladies  and  Gentlemen, 

Lead  sober  lives : — 
Don't  meddle  with  other  folks'  Sweethearts  or  Wives  I — 
When  you  go  out  a  sporting,  take  care  of  your  gun. 
And  —  never  shoot  elderly  people  in  fun !  " 


MARIE  MIGNOT. 

Miss  Marie  Mignot  was  a  nice  little  Maid, 

Her  Uncle  a  Cook,  and  a  Laundress  her  trade, 

And  she  loved  as  dearly  as  any  one  can 

Mister  Lagardie,  a  nice  little  man. 

But  oh !     But  oh ! 

Story  of  woe! 
A  sad  interloper,  one  Monsieur  Modean, 

Ugly  and  old, 

With  plenty  of  gold. 

Made  his  approach 

In  an  elegant  coach. 
Her  fancy  was  charm'd  with  the  splendour  and  show 
And  he  bore  off  the  false-hearted  Molly  Mignot. 


MARIE    MIGXO'J. 

Monsieur  Modeau  was  crazy  and  old, 

And  Monsieur  Modeau  caught  a  terrible  cold, 

His  nose  was  stuff 'd  and  his  throat  was  sore, 

lie  had  physic  by  the  quart  and  Doctors  by  the  scoro 

They  sent  quills 

And  pills, 

And  very  long  bills. 
And  all  they  could  do  did  not  make  him  get  well, 
He  sounded  his  M's  and  N's  like  an  L. 
A  shocking  bad  cough 
At  last  took  him  off, 
And  Mister  Lagardie,  her  former  young  beau, 
Came  a-com-ting  again  to  the  Widow  Modeau. 

Mister  Lagardie,  to  gain  him  eclat, 
Had  cut  the  Cook's  shop  and  follow'd  the  law ; 
And  when  Monsieur  IModeau  set  out  on  his  journey, 
Was  an  Articled  Clerk  to  a  Special  Attorney. 

He  gave  her  a  call, 

On  the  day  of  a  ball, 
To  which  she  'd  invited  the  court,  camp  and  all ; 

But  "  poor  dear  Lagardie," 

Again  was  too  tardy, 

For  a  Marshal  of  France 

Had  just  ask'd  her  to  dance ; 
In  a  twinkling,  the  ci-devant  Madame  Modeau 
Was  wife  of  the  Marshal  Lord  Marquis  Dinot. 
Mister  Lagardie  was  shock'd  at  the  news, 
And  went  and  enlisted  at  once  in  the  Blues. 

The  Marquis  Dinot 

Felt  a  little  so  so  — 
Took  physic,  grew  worse,  and  had  notice  to  go — 
He  died,  and  was  shelved,  and  his  Lady  so  gay 
Smiled  again  on  Lagardie  noAv  placed  on  full  pay, 
A  Swedish  Field-Marshal  with  a  guinea  a  day; 

When  an  old  Ex-King 

Just  show'd  her  the  ring; 
33* 


S89 


390  MARIE    MIGNOT. 

To  be  Queen,  she  conceived  was  a  very  fine  thing ; 

But  the  King  turn'd  a  Monk, 

And  Lagardie  got  drunk. 
And  said  to  the  Lady  with  a  deal  of  ill-breeding, 
"You  may  go  to  the  d — 1  and  I'll  go  to  Sweden." 

Thus  between  the  two  stools, 

Like  some  other  fools. 

Her  Ladyship  found 

Herself  plump  on  the  ground ; 
So  she  cried,  and  she  stamp'd,  and  she  sent  for  a  hack, 
And  she  drove  to  a  convent  and  never  came  back. 


Moral. 

Wives,  Maidens,  and  Widows,  attend  to  my  lay  - 
If  a  fine  moral  lesson  you'd  draw  from  a  play, 
To  the  Haymarket  go 
And  see  Marie  Mignol, 
Miss  Kelly  plays  Marie,  and  Williams  Modeau  ; 
Mrs.  Glover  and  Vining 
Are  really  quite  shining, 
And  though  Thompson  for  a  Marquis 
Has  almost  too  much  carcass, 
Yet  it 's  not  fair  to  pass  him  or 
John  Cooper's  Cassimir, 
And  the  piece  would  be  barren 
Without  Mr.  Farren ; 
N<j  matter,  go  there,  and  they'll  teach  you  the  guilt 
Of  coquetting  and  ogling,  and  playing  the  jilt. 
Such  folks  gallop  awhile,  but  at  last  they  get  spilt ; 
Had  Molly  Mignot 
Behaved  comme  ilfaut, 
Nor  married  the  Lawyer  nor  Marquis  Dinot, 
She  had  ne'er  been  a  nun,  whose  f^ire  very  hard  is, 
But  the  mother  of  half-a-score  little  Lagardies. 


TPIE   TRUANTS. 

Three  little  Demons  have  broken  loose 

From  the  National  School  below ! 

They  are  resolved  to  play  truant  to-day, 

Their  primer  and  slate  they  have  cast  away, 

And  away,  away,  they  go ! 

*'  Hey  boys !  hey  boys !  up  go  we  I 

Who  so  merry  as  we  three? " 

The  reek  of  that  most  infernal  pit, 

Where  sinful  souls  are  stewing, 
Rises  so  black,  that  in  viewing  it, 
A  thousand  to  one  but  you'd  ask  with  surprise. 
As  its  murky  columns  meet  your  eyes, 

"Pray  is  Old  Nick  a-brewing?" 
Thither  these  three  little  Devils  repair, 
And  mount  by  steam  to  the  uppermost  air 

They  have  got  hold  of  a  wandering  star, 
That  happen'd  to  come  within  hail. 

0  swiftly  they  glide  1 

As  they  merrily  ride 

All  a  cock-stride 

Of  that  Comet's  tail. 
Oh  the  pranks !     Oh  the  pranks ! 
The  merry  pranks,  the  mad  pranks, 

These  wicked  urchins  play ! 
They  kiss'd  the  Virgin  and  fill'd  her  with  drea  1, 
They  popp'd  the  Scorpion  into  her  bed  ; 
They  broke  the  pitcher  of  poor  A  quarius, 
They  stole  the  arrows  of  Sagillarius, 
Ajid  they  skimm'd  the  Milky  Way 

(391) 


392  THE    TRUANTS, 

They  fill'd  the  Scales  with  sulphur  full, 
They  halloed  the  Dog-Siar  on  at  the  BuLl^ 
And  pleased  themselves  with  the  noise. 

They  set  the  Lion 

On  poor  Orion; 

They  shaved  all  the  hair 

OflF  the  Lesser  Bear! 

They  kick'd  the  shins 

Of  the   Gemimi  Twins — 

Those  heavenly  Siamese  Boys!  — 
Never  was  such  confusion  and  wrack, 
As  they  produced  in  the  Zodiac  I  — 

"Huzza!     Huzza! 
Away !     Away ! 
Let  us  go  down  to  the  earth  and  play! 
Now  we  go  up,  up,  up, 
Now  we  go  down,  down,  down. 
Now  we  go  backwards,  and  forwards, 
Now  we  go  round,  round,  round ! " 
Thus  they  gambol,  and  scramble,  and  tear. 
Till  at  last  they  arrive  at  the  nethermost  air. 

And  pray  now  what  were  these  Devilets  call'd  ? 
These  three  little  Fiends  so  gay! 

One  was  Cob ! 

Another  was  Mob! 
The  last  and  the  least  was  young  Chiitabob! 
Queer  little  devils  were  they ! 

Cob  was  the  strongest, 

Mob  was  the  wrongest, 
Chittaboh's  tail  was  the  finest  and  longest! 
Three  more  frolicksome  Imps,  I  ween, 
Beelzebub's  self  hath  seldom  seen. 

Over  Mountain,  over  Fell, 

Glassy  Fountain,  mossy  Dell, 


THE    TRUANTS.  393 

Rocky  Island,  barren  Strand, 

Over  Ocean,  over  Land ; 
With  frisk  and  bound,  and  squeaks  and  squallb 
Heels  over  head,  and  head  over  heels ; 
With  curlings  and  twistings,  and  twirls  and  wheeleries, 
Down  they  drop  at  the  gate  of  the  Tuilleries. 

Courtiers  were  bowing  and  making  legs, 
While  Charley  le  Roi  was  bolting  eggs: 

^'■Moh,"  says  Cob, 

^^Chiitabob,"  says  Mob, 
*'  Come  here,  you  young  Devil,  we  're  in  for  a  Job!" 

Up  jumps  Cob  to  the  Monarch's  ear, 

"  Charley,  my  jolly  boy,  never  fear ; 

If  you  mind  all  their  jaw 

About  Charter  and  Law, 
Yon  might  just  as  well  still  be  the  Count  d'Arfoisl 

No  "such  thing. 

Show  'em  you're  King, 
Tip  'em  an  Ordinance,  that's  the  thing!" 

Charley  dined, 

Took  his  pen  and  sign'd ; 
Then  3Iob  kick'd  over  his  throne  from  behind! 
"Huzza!    Huzza!  we  may  scamper  now ! 
For  here  we  have  kick'd  un  a  jolly  good  row  !'  " 

<'  Over  the  water  and  over  the  Sea, 

And  over  the  water  With  Charlie ;" 
Now  they  came  skipping  and  grinning  with  glet. 
Not  pausing  to  chaff  or  to  parley. 
Over,  over. 
On  to  Dover; 
On  fun  intent, 
All  through  Kent 
These  mischievous  devils  so  merrily  went. 


394 


THE    TRUANTS. 


Over  hill  and  over  dale, 
Sunken  hollow,  lofty  ridge, 
Frowning  cliff,  and  smiling  rale, 
Down  to  the  foot  of  Westminster-bridge. 

"Hollo,"  says  Coh, 

"  There's  the  Duke  and  Sir  Bob} 
After  'em  Chittabob,  after  'em  Mob." 
Mob  flung  gravel,  and  Chittabob  pebbles. 
His  Grace  c 'd  them  both  for  a  couple  of  rebels  i 

His  feelings  were  hurt, 

By  the  stones  and  the  dirt  — 

In  went  he. 

In  an  ecstasy 
And  blew  vp  the  nobles  of  high  degree. 

"  Mr.  Brougham,  Mr.  Hume, 

May  fret  and  may  fume  — 
And  so  may  all  you  whom  I  see  in  this  room ; 
Come  weal,  come  woe,  come  calm,  come  storm  — 
I  'II  see  you  all  —  bless' d — ere  I  give  yon  reform  !" 
"Bravo!"  says  Chittabob,  "That's  your  sort. 
Come  along,  schoolfellows,  here 's  more  sport. 

Look  there !  look  there ! 

There 's  the  great  Lord  May'r ! 
With  the  gravest  of  Deputies  close  to  his  chair; 

With  Hobler,  his  Clerk ! 

Just  the  thing  for  a  lark  ; 
Huzzah !  huzzah !  boys,  follow  me  now : 
Here  we  may  kick  up  another  good  row." 

Here  they  are. 

Swift  as  a  star, 
They  shoot  in  mid  air,  over  Temple  Bar! 

Tom  Macaulay  beheld  the  flight, 
01  these  three  little  dusky  sons  of  night. 


THE    TRUANiS.  .  395 

Ajid  his  heart  swell'd  with  joy  and  elation  — 

"Oh,  see!"  quoth  he, 

"  Those  Niggerlings  three. 
Who  have  just  got  emancipation  /" 

Lord  Key  took  fright: 

At  the  very  first  sight, 
The  whole  Court  of  Aldermen  wheel'd  to  the  right; 
8ome  ran  from  Chittahob  —  more  from  Mob, 
The  great  locum  tenens  jump'd  up  upon  Cob, 

Who  roar'd  and  rati 

With  the  Alderman 
To  the  Home  Office,  pick-a-back  —  catch  'em  who  can! 

"  Stay  at  home  —  here 's  a  plot, 

And  I  can 't  tell  you  what, 

If  you  don't  I'll  be  shot. 

But  you'll  all  go  to  pot." 
Ah,  little  he  ween'd,  while  the  ground  ho  thus  ran  over, 
'Twas  a  Cob  he  bestrode  —  not  his  white  horse  from  Hanover, 

Back  they  came  galloping  through  the  Strand, 
Wlien  Joseph  Lancaster,  stick  in  hand, 
Popp'd  up  his  head  before  'em. 

Well  we  know, 

That  honest  old  Joe, 
Is  a  sort  of  High  Master  down  below, 
And  teaches  the  Imps  decorum, 
Satan  had  started  him  oif  in  a  crack, 
To  flog  these  three  little  runaways  back. 

Fear  each  assails ; 

Every  one  quails ; 
"Oh  dear!  how  he'll  tickle  our  little  black  tiils! 

Have  done,  have  done. 

Here's  that  son  of  a  gun. 
Old  Joe,  come  after  us, — run,  boys,  run." 


396  .  THE    POPLAR. 

Off  ran  Coh, 
Off  ran  Moh, 
And  off  in  a  fright  ran  young  Chittabob, 
Joe  caught  Ghiltahoh  just  by  the  tail, 

And  Cob  by  his  crumpled  hora  ; 
Bitterly  then  did  these  Imps  bewail, 
That  ever  they  were  born ! 
Mob  got  away, 
But  none  to  this  day, 
Know  exactly  whither  he  went; 
Some  say  he's  been  seen  aboufBlackfriars-bridge 
And  some  say  he 's  down  in  Kent. 

But  where'er  he  may  roam. 
He  has  not  ventured  home, 
Since  the  day  the  three  took  wing, 
And  many  suppose, 
He  has  changed  his  clothes ; 
And  now  goes  by  the  name  of  ^^  Swing. ''^ 


THE   POPLAR. 

Ay,  here  stands  the  Poplar,  so  tall  and  so  stately, 
On  whose  tendfer  rind — 'twas  a  little  one  then  — 

We  carved  her  initials ;  though  not  very  lately 
We  think  in  the  year  eighteen  hundred  and  ten. 

\  es,  here  is  the  G  which  proclaim'd  Georgiana : 

Our  heart's  empress  then;  see,  'tis  grown  all  askew; 

And  it 's  not  without  grief  we  perforce  entertain  a 
Conviction,  it  now  looks  much  more  like  a  Q. 

This  should  be  the  great  D  too,  that  once  stood  for  Dobbin, 
Her  lov'd  patronymic  —  ah  !  can  it  be  so  ? 

Its  once  fair  proportions,  time,  too  has  been  robbing ; 
A  -n? —  we'll  be  Deed'i^  it  isn't  an  0! 


MY    LETTERS.  397 

Alas !  how  the  soul  sentimental  it  vexes, 

That  thus  on  our  labours  stern  Chronos  should  frown ; 
Should  change  our  soft  liquids  to  izzards  and  Xes, 

And  turn  true-love's  alphabet  all  upside  down  f 


MY   LETTERS. 

"  Litera  scripta  manet."  —  Old  Saw. 

Another  mizzling,  drizzling  day ! 

Of  clearing  up  there 's  no  appearance ; 
So  I  '11  sit  down  without  delay, 

And  here,  at  least,  I  '11  make  a  clearance ! 

3h  ne'er  '•  on  such  a  day  as  this," 
Would  Dido  with  her  woes  oppressed 

Have  woo'd  ^neas  back  to  bliss. 
Or  Troilus  gone  to  hunt  for  Cressid ! 

No,  they  'd  have  stay'd  at  home,  like  me, 
And  popp'd  their  toes  upon  the  fender, 

And  drunk  a  quiet  cup  of  tea :  — 

On  days  like  this  one  can't  be  tender. 

So,  Molly,  draw  that  basket  nigher, 
And  put  my  desk  upon  the  table  — 

Bring  that  Portfolio  —  stir  the  fire  — 
Now  off  as  fast  as  you  are  able! 

First  here 's  a  card  from  Mrs.  Grimes, 

**  A  ball !  " —  she  knows  that  I  'm  no  dancer  ■ 

That  woman 's  ask'd  me  fifty  times, 
And  yet  I  never  send  an  answer. 
84 


398  my  letters. 

♦'Dear  Jack, — 

Just  lend  me  twenty  pounds, 
Till  Monday  next,  when  I  '11  return  it. 
Yours  truly, 

Henry  Gibbs." 
Why  Z— ds ! 
I  'vc  seen  the  man  but  twice  —  here,  burn  it. 

One  from  my  Cousin  Sophy  Daw  — 

Full  of  Aunt  Margery's  distresses ; 
*'  The  Cat  has  kitten'd  in  '  the  draw,'' 

And  ruin'd  two  bran-new  silk  dresses." 

From  Sam,  "The  Chancellor's  motto," — nay 
Confound  his  puns,  he  knows  I  hate  'em ; 

"Pro  Rege,  Lege,  Grege," — Ay, 

'*  For  King  read  Mob  !  "     Brougham's  old  erratum. 

From  Seraphina  Price — "At  two" — 

"Till  then  I  can't,  my  dearest  John,  stir;" 

Two  more  because  I  did  not  go, 

Beginning  "  Wretch"  and  "  Faithless  Monster!" 

"Dear  Sib, — 

"  This  morning  Mrs.  P 

Who 's  doing  quite  as  well  as  may  be, 
Presented  me  at  half-past  three 

Precisely,  with  another  baby. 

"We '11  name  it  John,  and  know  with  pleasure 
You  '11  stand  " —  Five  guineas  more,  confound  it !  - 

I  wish  they  'd  call  it  Nebuchadnezzar, 

Or  thrown  it  in  the  Thames  and  drown'd  it. 

What  have  we  next  ?     A  civil  Dun : 

"John  Brown  would  take  it  as  a  favour" — 

Another,  and  a  surlier  one, 

"  I  can't  put  up  with  sich  behaviour." 


MY    LETTERS.  39^ 

"Bill  so  long  standing," — "quite  tired  out," — 

"  Must  sit  down  to  insist  on  payment," 
"  Called  ten  times," —  Here 's  a  fuss  about 

A  few  coats,  waistcoats,  and  small  raiment  I 

For  once  I  '11  send  an  answer,  and  in- 
form Mr.  Snip  he  needn't  "call"  so; 

But  when  his  bill's  as  "  tired  of  standing" 
As  he  is,  beg  'twill  "  sit  down  also." 

This  from  my  rich  old  Uncle  Ned, 

Thanking  me  for  my  annual  present ; 
And  saying  he  last  Tuesday  wed 

His  cook-maid,  Molly  —  vastly  pleasant! 

An  ill-spelt  note  from  Tom  at  school, 

Begging  I  '11  let  him  learn  the  fiddle ; 
Another  from  that  precious  fool, 

Miss  Pyefinch,  with  a  stupid  riddle. 

"D'ye  give  it  up ? "  Indeed  I  do ! 

Confound  these  antiquated  minxes ; 
I  won't  play  ''Billy  Black"  to  a  ''Blue," 

Or  (Edipus  to  such  old  sphinxes. 

A  note  sent  up  from  Kent  to  show  rac, 

Left  with  my  bailiff",  Peter  King ; 
"  I'll  burn  them  precious  stacks  down,  blow  me! 

"Yours  most  sincerely, 

"Captain  Swing." 

Four  begging  letters  with  petitions. 

One  from  my  sister  Jane,  to  pray, 
I  '11  "  execute  a  few  commissions 

In  Bond  Street,  "  when  I  go  that  way," 

"And  buy  at  Pearsal's  in  the  City 

Twelve  skeins  of  silk  for  netting  purses : 
Coloiir  no  matter,  so  it's  pretty:  — 

Two  hundred  pens  " —  two  hundred  curses  I 


400  MY    LETTERS. 

From  Mistress  Jones:   "  My  little  Billy 

Goes  up  his  sthooling  to  begin, 
Will  you  just  step  to  Piccadilly, 

And  meet  him  when  the  coach  comes  in  ? 

*'  And  then,  perhaps,  you  "will  as  well,  see 
The  poor  dear  fellow  safe  to  school 

At  Dr.  Smith's  in  Little  Chelsea !  " 
Heaven  send  he  flog  the  little  fool ! 

From  Lady  Snooks :   "  Dear  Sir,  you  know 
You  promised  me  last  woek  a  Kebus; 

A  something  smart  and  apropos. 

For  my  new  Album?" — Aid  me,  Phoebus! 

♦*  My  first  is  followed  by  my  second ; 

Yet  should  my  first  my  second  see, 
A  dii'e  mishap  it  would  be  reckon'd. 

And  sadly  shock'd  my  first  would  be. 

"  Were  I  but  what  my  whole  implies. 

And  pass'd  by  chance  across  your  portal : 

You'd  cry  '  Can  I  believe  my  eyes  ? 
I  never  saw  so  queer  a  mortal ! ' 

'*  For  then  my  head  would  not  be  on, 
My  arms  their  shoulders  must  abandon ; 

My  very  body  would  be  gone, 

I  should  not  have  a  leg  to  stand  on." 

Come,  that's  dispatch'd  —  what  follows?  —  Stay 
"  Reform  demanded  by  the  nation ; 

Vote  for  Tagrag  and  Bobtail ! "     Ay, 
By  Jove  a  blessed  Reformation! 

Jack,  clap  the  saddle  upon  Rose  — 
Or  no !  —  the  filly  —  she 's  the  fleeter ; 

The  devil  take  the  rain  —  here  goes, 
I'm  off —  a  plumper  for  Sir  Peter! 


NEW-MADE   HONOUR. 
(imitated  from  martial.) 

A  Friend  I  met  some  half  hour  since  — 

"  Good-morrow,  JackV^  quoth  I; 
The  new-made  Knight,  like  any  Prince 

Frown'd,  nodded,  and  pass'd  by ; 
When  up  came  Jem —  '■'•Sir  John,  your  Slaw!*^ 

"  Ah,  James     we  dine  at  eight  — 
Fail  not  —  (low  bows  the  supple  knave) 

Don't  make  my  lady  wait." 
The  King  can  do  no  wrong  ?     As  I  'm  a  sinner, 
He  *s  spoilt  an  honest  tradesman  and  my  dinner. 


THE  CONFESSION. 

Thebe  's  somewhat  on  my  breast,  father, 

There 's  somewhat  on  my  breast ! 
The  livelong  day  I  sigh,  father. 

And  at  night  I  cannot  rest. 
I  cannot  take  my  rest,  father, 

Though  I  would  fain  do  so ; 
A  weary  weight  oppresseth  me  — 

This  weary  weight  of  woe ! 

'Tis  not  the  lack  of  gold,  father. 

Nor  want  of  worldly  gear ; 
My  lands  are  broad,  and  fair  to  see. 

My  friends  are  kind  and  dear, 
34*  401 


402 


My  kin  are  leal  and  true,  inther, 
They  mourn  to  see  my  grief; 

But  oh !  'tis  not  a  kinsman's  hand 
Can  give  my  heart  relief  I 

'Tis  not  that  Janet 's  false,  father, 

'Tis  not  that  she 's  unkind ; 
Tho'  busy  flatterers  swarm  around, 

I  know  her  constant  mind. 
'Tis  not  her  coldness,  father, 

That  chills  my  labouring  breast, 
It 's  that  confounded  cucumber 

I  've  eat,  and  can't  digest. 


SONG. 


There  sits  a  bird  on  yonder  tree, 

More  fond  than  Cushat  Dove ; 
There  sits  a  bird  on  yonder  tree, 

And  sings  to  me  of  love. 
Oh !  stoop  thee  from  thine  eyrie  down  f 
And  nestle  thee  near  my  heart, 
For  the  moments  fly, 
And  the  hour  is  nigh, 
When  thou  and  I  must  part, 
My  love ! 
When  thou  and  I  must  part. 


In  yonder  covert  lurks  a  Fawn, 
The  pride  of  the  sylvan  scene ; 

In  3'onder  covert  lurks  a  Fawn, 
And  I  am  his  only  queen; 


403 


Oh !  bound  froni  thy  secret  lair, 
For  the  sun  is  below  the  west ; 
No  mortal  eye 
May  our  meeting  spy, 
For  all  are  closed  in  rest, 
My  love ! 
Each  eye  is  closed  in  rest. 

III. 

Oh,  sweet  is  the  breath  of  morn ! 

When  the  sun's  first  beams  appear; 
Oh  !  sweet  is  the  shepherd's  strain, 
When  it  dies  on  the  listening  ear ; 
And  sweet  the  soft  voice  which  speaks 
The  Wanderer's  welcome  home ; 
But  sweeter  far 
By  yon  pale,  mild  star, 
With  our  true  Love  thus  to  roam, 

My  dear ! 
With  our  own  true  Love  to  roam ! 


EPIGRAM. 


Brave  L ,  so  says  a  knight  of  the  pen, 

"Has  exposed  himself  much  at  the  head  of  his  men," 
As  his  men  ran  away  without  waiting  to  fight, 
To  expose  himself  there 's  to  be  first  in  the  flight. 
Had  it  not  been  as  well,  when  he  saw  his  men  quail. 
To  have  stay'd  and  exposed  himself  more  at  thoir  tail  ? 
Or  say,  is  it  fair,  in  this  noblest  of  quarrels, 
To  suffer  the  chief  to  engross  all  the  laurels  ? 
No !  his  men,  so  the  muse  to  all  Europe  shall  sing, 
Have  exposed  themselves  fully  as  much  as  their  king. 


EPIGRAM. 

EHEU  FUG  ACES. 

What  Horace  says  is, 
Eheu  fug  aces 

Annilabuntur,  Postume,  Postume! 

Years  glide  away,  and  are  lost  to  me,  lost  to  me  I 
Now,  when  the  folks  in  the  dance  sport  their  merrytoes, 
Taglionis  and  Ellslers,  Duvernays  and  Ceritos, 
Sighing,  I  murmur,  "  0  mihi  prceteritos  !  " 


SONG. 


'Tis  sweet  to  think  the  pure  ethereal  being, 
"Whose  mortal  form  reposes  with  the  dead. 

Still  hovers  round  unseen,  yet  not  unseeing, 
Benignly  smiling  o'er  the  mourner's  bed ! 

She  comes  in  dreams,  a  thing  of  light  and  lightness 
I  hear  her  voice,  in  still,  small  accents,  tell 

Of  realms  of  bliss,  and  never-fading  brightness ; 
Where  those  who  lov'd  on  earth,  together  dwell. 

Ah !  yet  a  while,  blest  shade,  thy  flight  delaying, 
The  kindred  soul,  with  mystic  converse  cheer ; 

To  her  rapt  gaze,  in  visions  bland  displaying. 
The  unearthly  glories  of  thy  happier  sphere ! 

Yet,  yet  remain !  till  freed  like  thee,  delighted. 
She  spurns  the  thraldom  of  encumb'ring  clay ; 

Then  as  on  earth,  in  tenderest  love  united. 
Together  seek  the  realms  of  endless  day ! 


404 


AS  I  LAY  A-TIIYNKYN3E. 

THE    LAST    LINJ^.S    OF    THOMAvS    INGOLDHBY 

As  I  laye  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkynge, 
Merrie  sang  the  Birde  as  she  sat  upon  the  spraye ; 

There  came  a  noble  Knyghte, 

With  his  hauberke  shynynge  brighte, 

And  his  gallant  heart  was  lyghte, 
Free  and  gaye ; 
As  I  lay  a-thynkyuge,  he  rode  upon  his  waye. 
As  I  lay  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkynge. 
Sadly  sang  the  Birde  as  she  sat  upon  the  tree ! 

There  seem'd  a  crimson  plain, 

Where  a  gallant  Knyghte  lay  slayne, 

And  a  steed  with  broken  rein 
Ran  free, 
As  I  laye  a-thynkynge,  most  pitiful  to  see ! 
As  I  laye  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkj'nge. 
Merrie  sang  the  Birde  as  she  sat  upon  the  boughe : 

A  lovely  mayde  came  bye, 

And  a  gentil  youth  was  nyghe,    . 

And  he  breathed  many  a  syghe, 
And  a  vowe ; 
As  I  laye  a-thynkynge,  her  hearte  was  gladsome  now 
As  I  laye  a-thyiikynge,  a-tnynKynge,  a-thynkynge, 
Sadly  sang  the  Birde  as  she  sat  upon  the  thorne; 

No  more  a  youth  was  there, 

But  a  Maiden  rent  her  haire, 

And  cried  in  sad  despaire, 

**That  I  was  borne'*' 
As  1  laye  a-thynkynge,  she  perished  forlorike. 


406  AS    I    LAYE    A-THYNKy.NUK. 

As  I  laye  a-thynkynge.  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkynge, 
Jweetly  sang  the  Birde  as  she  sat  upon  the  briar ; 

There  came  a  lovely  childe, 

And  his  face  was  meek  and  mild, 

Yet  joyously  he  smiled 
On  his  sire ; 
A.S  I  laye  a-thynkynge,  a  Cherub  mote  admire. 
But  I  laye  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkynge,  a-thynkynge, 
And  sadly  sang  the  Birde  as  it  perched  upon  a  bier; 

That  joyous  smile  was  gone, 

And  the  face  was  white  and  wan, 

As  the  downe  upon  the  Swan 
Doth  appear. 
As  I  laye  a-thynkynge  —  oh !  bitter  flow'd  the  tear  I 
As  I  laye  a-thynkynge,  the  golden  sun  was  sinking, 
0  merrie  sang  that  Birde,  as  it  glitter'd  on  her  breast 

With  a  thousand  gorgeous  dyes, 

While  soaring  to  the  skies, 

'Mid  the  stars  she  seem'd  to  rise, 
As  to  her  nest ; 
As  I  laye  a-thynkynge,  her  meaning  was  exprest: — 

"Follow,  follow  me  awa\% 

It  boots  not  to  delay,"— 

"i  was  so  she  seem'd  to  saye, 
"  Here  is  rest  ! " 


THE    B.VD. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

RENEWALS  ONLY— TEL.  NO.  642^405 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  betow,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


\96^W* 


RECEIVED 


DtuZ   '68 -8  PM 


LOAN  DEPT. 


APR  23  1978- 


8£CCIfc 


mzy^^ 


MAY  2 11983 


M^^ 


■REC  CIR  JiiiJ^^'-^ 


LD  21A-38m-5.'68 
M401s]0)476B 


General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


■M';-^:JCm 


